#i feel like people who are calling this fearmongering forget that it starts with letting little shit slide before it snowballs

[dwindlingashesburnt]

I had this recurring dream just now

I only just woke up, and it's midday, and I'm still exhausted. So that's probably not good.

But...anyway. About the dream. Like pretty much all of my recurring dreams, I always seem to forget about it until I wakr up having just had the dream, and I realise I can remember 12 plus variants of the same dream aand I can vaguely remember my previous reactions to said dream.

It's...a weird dream. I feel like it should technically count as a nightmare? Because like. Bad stuff happens in it. But with this dream I always feel so disconnected throughout, and I barely turn up in the dream if at all - it's mostly watching other people in the dream as though it's on video - that even though thinking about it objectively I realise normally it would scare me (there's a heavy focus on someone having like complete control of everything that is going on, the people, the events, able to restart it and nobody will remember if they want to, there's a whole lot of heavily implied death, betrayal, etc, as well as just some things that should be scary) but as mentioned previously I'm just so disconnected from the dream I don't end up scared.

Thing is...it carries over when I wake up.

I wake up still feeling incredibly disconnected, to the point of possibly being dissassociating? I don't know. It's hard to react or feel and my body doesn't feel like it's mine. It feels like I'm not really here, not really, like I'm not a real person.

This time I woke up because my phone rang in real life. I woke up at the point of the plane - there's an aeroplane, and the surroundings and the person talking over the speaker are all intended to create fear and cause them to take a specific action, and it works. This part of the dream is also weird because normally when I have a dream that I'm not in, there's a 'main character' who the 'camera' mainly focuses on and I feel like their emotions and reactions and stuff kinda, but in this part of the dream that doesn't happen - I'm simultaneously slightly aware of what all the people on the plane are thinking/feeling and what's going on, but at the same time completely outside all of them and disconnected.

I'm just going to call the person who seems to be controlling everything in the dream the Controller for now, it's faster to type and. Seems more accurate.

Anyway. There's people running outside and other planes that are completely still when they shouldn't be - implied something bad happened to them- and there's someone talking over the speakers in the plane, and it's the Controller, and he's not on the plane so I guess it must be via radio or something? Anyway. It works, they turn the plane the way the controller wants.

But what's also happening at the same time is the passengers are having to interact. The reason is vague but I think they're passing a bowl of something along and everyone's choosong whether to take one of the things from the bowl or not, something like that.

But some of the passengers can't speak. It's clear that that is due to the Controller but not how - whether he did something traumatising to make them not want or feel able to speak, ordered or threatened them, or somehow made them literally incapable of speech...But they cannot speak amd it's his fault. None of the silent people know who else is silent or capable of speech, and the ones capable of speech are wary of silent people due to past fearmongering type stuff but don't realise there's any silent people on the plane - and the ones who cannot speak are trying not to give it away that they can't, because something really bad will happen (to them? to all passengers? in general? I don't know) if they let on, but it's kinda hard when the Controller suddenly starts hinting heavily at it over the speakers before finally outright saying there's silent people on the plane, and that was after they'd already been struggling to interact in offering the things in the bowl to the next passenger iwthout making it obvious they can't speak

Thing is. I woke up at that point.

And I still feel really disconnected, unreal, outside...pretty sure I'm dissassociating.

But I also woke up feeling like I can't talk. And I know that's not rational, of course I can talk, there's no Controller in real life to somehow mak me incapable of speech. But it's taking immense effort to say anything, and when I do I can't really seem to control what I'm saying, and it makes me feel even more disconnected because I don't recignise my voice as my own voice and between that and the apparent lack of control...It feels like it's someone else speaking. It also is just...hard, and feels immensely wrong to speak. I guess I might just go a bit nonverbal today.

And god it's so hard to put my thoughts together. It's so hard to think. It's like, like my brain just wants to go blank and not have to deal with stuff, or like the Controller somehow still has control of me in real life like he had control of everything in the dream.

And it's half past noon now and I'm still so exhausted.

I need a jacket. It feels wrong, unsafe, to have my arms bare. I've got to fix it.

I wish I could sleep more. Or just...sleep forever

I don't like being like this

I don't like that dream either

Why do I keep dreaming it? Why does it go on to actually affect me when I wake up? Does it mean something?

I don't know.

I'm so so so tired..

[iamshadow21]

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