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#i figured wrecking the journal would be the closest i can get to sh without actually doing it
voulezloux
·
4 months
Text
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#proceed at your own risk i’m back again w/ more shit
#had to text my therapist today bc i had like
#come to the realization that i was craving the pain that i got when i used to sh
#i’m not an active harm to myself i wouldn’t do it again and im not suicidal
#but i just had this intense need to have the same pain i got when i sh’d
#& scared my mom <3 & she told me to text my therapist <3
#she told me to journal and idk how to fucking do that
#so i have trauma workbooks coming in tomorrow as well as a copy of wreck this journal
#i figured wrecking the journal would be the closest i can get to sh without actually doing it
#idk my life fucking sucks rn and i want things to be fucking done i want to be future me not going through this
#i feel like i’m being too dependent on bean for comfort and like that’s fucking dumb
#i feel bad for just not being okay even tho i know it’s okay to not be okay especially rb
#i also just knwo
#that my dad is waiting for me to come back to him
#hat in hand and tail between my legs to apologize for being mean to him :-(
#bc obviously i’m the one who did everything wrong!
#i hate being the 7 year old hiding in the pantry
#i’ve been hiding in the pantry my whole life to make my dad comfortable
#it also hurts to read back on the screenshots and see that my dad just doesn’t give a fuck about me
#like i’m not purposely doing it but i have to remember detials when i talk about it to my mom
#and it’s just a big ol reminder that my dad didn’t refute any part of my texts
#that said i never felt like i was important to him or that i was an afterthought or i wasn’t a priority to him
#like he cherry picked things he responded to
#he focused on me calling my sister the favorite child and the park i chose instead of like
#literally anything else
#he apologized for making me feel like an afterthought but never told me that i wasn’t one to him which ig is nitpicky
#but he never once in any of the messages tries to comfort me or reassure me that what i was saying wasn’t true
#plus he threw in my face that HES been through trauma and he was just SHARING his childhood with his KIDS
#like thanks dad! say it with your whole chest you don’t give a fuck about what you did to me! or the affect it’s had on me
#he ‘didn’t want to trigger me’ but dude you fucking made things right with your EX WIFE and not your fucking SON
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