#idk my life fucking sucks rn and i want things to be fucking done i want to be future me not going through this

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

the gall of some people- wait what’s a better word for gall I don’t like that one

[waywardsalt]

very freeing to actually own up (to myself) abt post-ph being an au. now i can make a little list of the little ways it deviates from leading to st

[voulezloux]

.

[bitchfitch]

idk my stained glass post is going around again and a lot of people are saying it's inspiring them but they're still hesitant to start whatever craft has their fancy rn, so here's a dipshit's guide to getting from horsey to whale when you're starting out a craft

Step 1: skim a tutorial.

don't take notes, don't pay all that much attention to it, give it like. at max 10 minutes of your time. Just get the general shape of the process into your head along with any relevant safety precautions.

the point of doing this is to stop yourself from forming expectations. Expectations are the motivation killer. Strangle them to death.

Step 2: Tool time

You may want to start right in on a project, you might even have one in your head already.

Don't. Stop that, see the point above about expectations. Your first project is going to suck major nuts, it doesn't matter what you do, so you simply must plan to make your first project as nut-sucktastic as physically possible. Burry your expectations so deep in the ground that you will leap over them by simply faceplanting.

So here's what you do instead, gather the necessary tools and materials then set aside an amount of material that you are ok with just pissing away. just absolutely wasting. If you went right in and got discouraged enough to drop a project while doing it, youd be wasting the materials anyway. Might as well get the wasting over and done with Before it eats hours of your mortal life.

Ok, now pick the first tool and associated skill involved in your new craft and just practice That. Don't try to make anything, just learn the motions and teach yourself how things move or break or bend or etc etc etc. all the real basic boring parts that don't produce anything.

Then move onto the next steps associated skills and tools. Connect them back to the product you got from practicing the first step if you can, then the third and so on, so that at the end of this ordeal you too can have a horrible abomination you can pretend looks like a horse.

Step 3: nap

With that done, fuck off and do something else for a bit. like for at Least a few hours if not a full day. Take a nap. do some drugs, play a hentai gatcha game, fuck if I care man. Just don't do the craft. This is the best way to kill expectations: fuckin forgetting what you're capable of.

step 4: learn it right this time

Actually watch/read that tutorial now. like. for real. give it your full atten and take notes on where you fucked up and how you struggled back in step two. like actual written/typed notes. You're going to be focusing on those areas and having a neat list to keep thing orderly in your head can help.

at this point it's also a good idea to try to find other tutorials that explain the Thing, but have a different person explaining it. or tutorials that are more granular. like ones that talk about the skills involved in a single step instead of the whole process. having that little bit more detail can be a game changer.

step 5: visualization

Come up with the easiest and most basic project you can think of while referring to that list of areas you struggled. You want this project to primarily focus on those weak spots and give you room to practice and improve them. ok. and now scrape the top 10% off the project. Make it easier make it smaller, make it less detailed, find a pattern instead of making your own, whatever just simplify it that little bit more.

Step 6: just do it

actually do that project while referring to your tutorials and notes.

Let yourself fuck up. Let yourself waste shit. And then move on. Don't get tangled in expectations, or let your perfectionism strangle you. Look it in the eye and strangle it back, make your shit uglier just to spite it.

Skills take time to develop. Give yourself that time and don't let your brain issues take the joy of creation from you. It's fuckin hard, but you've Got to do it if you want a modicum of happiness in this hell world. the vibe is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but done with pure violence and vitriolic hatred of what your own neurosis are trying to take from you.

step 7: aw shit it's a never ending cycle

repeat step 5, but go for something a bit harder, then step six until you find a new muse to start over at step 1 with.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

I liked Kieran, maybe only because he reminded me of myself as a kid. Constantly feeling left out and being both harassed for everything you do do and never being trusted with anything to even proof yourself capable, like the knowledge about the truth about ogerpon. I still am, working on that, but was way more jealous of other people hanging out with my friends simply because I had so precious few. Idk how much it would have fucked with me if my verbally abusive older sister (I do also have one of those) simply decided that one of my friends was now one of hers instead and kicking me out while my friend isn't saying or doing anything to be like "no, actually I want to spend time with [anon] too".

Obviously his obsession with ogerpon and the following Drive to get stronger is pretty hyperbolic but I did also have a bit of that. Just rejecting everything, throwing everything back at everyone since it was, or at least felt, like its always my family and the people around me just throwing shit at me too. Did I overreact a bunch of times? Oh yeah for sure. Teenage tantrums will get ya, but I really did need that. Without it I don't think I would have ever learned to call out my family's abuse and other people treating me poorly. Since as a kid that just radiates low self esteem you seem to get treated like shit from just about everyone.

Anyway all that is to say, throwing around things like "I think this kid would shoot up a school if only he had access to guns" isn't, imho, great. And I don't even really particularly care about your instance rn, like it's a fictional character in a Pokémon game who cares. So sorry for being the one who got my rant lol. It's just something I've been seeing more of lately, people throwing "they'd shoot up a school" not only at fictional characters but actual human beings. Which I think is fucked. Thankfully no one ever said that to me, but I cannot imagine how hurtful that must be, like if we ignore all the other negative effects it has for a second, when your actual school life was hell enough to make you consider ending your own life, like it was for me, to just get thrown another brick at your head that people think you would be monster enough to murder people.

...well there's a lot to unpack here.

So first up, you have my genuine condolences for your extraordinarily shitty school life. You clearly had the very rough end of the stick, and it's clearly still hurting, and that sucks.

However. I am not thrilled that you just trauma dumped in my inbox because you over-projected onto a fictional character, and I'll ask you not to do that again. Particularly when your "rant" is explicitly aimed at trying to make me feel bad for criticising a fictional character that you, once again, have over-projected onto.

Like listen, I too had an extraordinarily shitty school life, and I also had very few friends (and at three separate extended points, a combination of Literally No Friends At All, AND Being Actively Targeted For Bullying; the first time around, the bullying was led by the class teacher, even.) I have very much been there, done that and got an entire t-shirt shop. But I still didn't come away from that feeling that I was entitled to other people liking me or wanting to be friends with me, because no one is obliged to like or be friends with anyone else. I may have occasionally felt jealous, but I didn't throw tantrums and demand perfect loyalty from the few friends I did make, because that would have been abusive as all hell and would have justly made them want nothing to do with me. And, crucially and relevantly to the fictional character in the fictional world that we are discussing, I did not fixate on someone I wanted to be my friend, see that they were afraid of me and wanted to be friends with someone else, and then throw such a tantrum about it that I physically fought that someone else for the 'rights' to that friend regardless of their consent in that matter, apparently with the intention of abducting them if I won. And on losing that fight, I did not storm off and start amassing a collection of stronger and stronger weapons so I could take over my school and prove my dominance over them, emotionally abusing anyone who couldn't keep up with me because of family problems along the way. I presume you did not either!

And if I had, then the trauma and loneliness I received would be irrelevant - actions borne of trauma are still actions, with real world consequences, and you are still responsible for them regardless of how bad you felt.

(I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but school shooters are people who are also lonely and often bullied. It's very interesting therefore that you dismiss them as "monsters" while demanding that all behaviour from such people up to the shooting be excused. But the issue with such people is the entitlement they feel and the abuse they therefore dish out. Shootings are just the most extreme symptom of that - they're far from the only symptom.)

I cannot stress this enough - you are not the fictional character of Kieran in the game Pokémon Scarlet and Violet. You did not make his choices, or perform his actions (I assume). Criticism of him is not criticism of you. No one is accusing you of being about to shoot up a school. You state that you don't care that he's a fictional character, but I'm afraid you very much should, because that is the crucial difference. I am sorry that you're seeing a lot of people accusing real life people of being school shooters, but that is not what has happened here, is it?

You're welcome to write back. But I'll warn you very clearly - I am absolutely not at home to you trauma dumping further, or trying to make me feel guilty for talking about a fictional character because you have over-projected and therefore are taking it personally. That is a You Problem, and I will block you without reading if you do.

However, I am going to finish by reiterating my very genuine sympathies for your school experience. It truly was an appalling time for me, and it seems like it was for you, too. I hope you can process that trauma now, and find peace.

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word

[hood-ex]

Finished JJK S2. Many thoughts below.

I'm kinda "hmm" over the parallels in personalities between the Yuji/Megumi/Nobara team and the Satoru/Suguru/Shoko team. Yuji and Gojo as the powerhouses with loud mouths. Megumi and Suguru as the quieter members. Nobara and Shoko as the boisterous don't take shit ones. Like idk I guess I'm just worried about Megumi in this equation and hoping he doesn't pull a Sasuke (or duh Suguru lmao) at some point.

Speaking of Megumi, he was only really involved in about 3 fights total. I missed him in the bigger showdowns with the others. On the other hand, I'm really glad Nobara got to step in and deal some actual damage to Mahito. Like I said before, fuck Mahito, all my homies hate Mahito. I mean, seriously, it felt like Yuji was getting nowhere with Mahito, so when Nobara got that hit in, I was cheering, I was hooting. I was painting "Nobara" on the back of my shirt. What an awesome moment for her.

Sorry I watched basically the entire series today so my brain is burning, my memories feel like soup rn, I'm going out of order when talking about events. Uhhh... oh I'm glad Jogo and Hanami died. I was sick of them. The difference in the fight between Jogo and Sukuna vs. Sukuna and Megumi's thingy. His... what was it called again? Eh whatever you know what I'm talking about. The pact (?) monster Megumi called forth before he went unconscious. The difference in those fights was super interesting. With Jogo, Sukuna was just having fun and not worried at all. With Megumi's thingy, Sukuna actually had to strategize a bit and such. No wonder he has a fascination with Megumi.

Too bad Sukuna killed those sisters but honestly not surprised. I did like how those sisters revived Yuji/Sukuna.

Oh?? And Choso dude?? The sibling reveal?? You have nooo idea how much I didn't want Choso to get killed off at the very end. I was hoping, I was praying, I was like absolutely not, now that I know he's Yuji's older brother, he cannot die. Ever. Everrr. Bc you know me and my thing about siblings. Love em. I was laughing when Choso was telling Yuji to call him older brother, and Yuji was like dude whaaat lmao. Like shhh, Yuji, shhh. Just accept it. You have two brothers now. Aoi and Choso. Lolol.

Speaking of Aoi, I had a moment where I was like, okay, I can get over Nanami's death because he had accepted his death, he was tired, he was ready to go, but I CANNOT accept Aoi's death. Even the thought of him dying made me start to tear up. He's definitely one of my favorite characters now, which is funny, bc I thought he was just annoying in his first appearance. But the fact that he has Yuji and Takada in his locket?? LMAOOO THIS MAN IS SO UNSERIOUS PLS. Sucks he lost a hand, but I'd rather him lose a limb than lose a life. (Fuck me, he's gonna die at some point isn't he? I will literally sob. I'm not kidding, I will sob when/if that happens.)

Oh yeah and Nanami fucks forever and always. He was so hot for wrapping his tie around his hand like that. Ugh. Love him. Gonna miss him. Hope someone reclaims his weapon. I actually didn't cry over him bc, like I said, he was just... ready to go. He was too tired to go on. I could accept that.

Bro did Maki die?? I mean surely if Nanami survived then maybe she did as well...? I hope she didn't die. I liked her.

Owww my brain hurts, I need to get my thoughts out faster. Uhh... ohhh. Oh. When Yuji witnessed Nanami's death on top of Nobara's death (not convinced she's 100% dead though bc of the medic boy being like idk she was dead but maybe she won't be bc of my healing) and on top of seeing what Sukuna had done to Shibuya... holy fuck... talk about a lot of trauma in a short time. Dude when he just gave up after Nobara's death... and he curled up and cried when Aoi appeared... that hurt me. That made me feel like I was in the stadium of the first Pokemon movie watching all the Pokemon cry over Ash's stone body. It felt like that moment. That sadness and grief just overwhelming. Damn. What a good moment though.

I haven't even talked about Satoru yet. Woooow... the way he demolished all those curses at the train station in such a short time... crazy. Sucks he's trapped in a box. Like idk what else to say lmao. Free my man Satoru.

Omg omg omg can I talk about how two of my favorite moments of the whole series ended up in this season?? So the scene where Nobara talked to that girl from Yuji's high school who had a crush on him, and she called Megumi to come meet them, and then Yuji appeared later. Ahhh!! Squee!!! Megumi was sooo cute! And he was super cute in my other fav flashback scene where Nobara spilled coffee or whatever on Satoru's shirt, and Megumi stuffed the shirt under his own shirt to hide it from Satoru. Like lmao he gave himself boobies. PLS HE'S SO CUTE. MY LIL BEANIE BABY. See, this is why I can't have this man go all Sasuke. I need him to stay on the team for cute moments like that.

And speaking of cute Megumi things, I thought it was so cute when he was planning to die, and he replayed the last words he and Yuji said to each other. Something about them like staying safe/meeting up later or whatever. And he was like sorry I broke my word, Yuji. Something akin to that. :3

Holy moly some of the dialogue goes on for way too long during fight scenes and such. Like I know they have to explain all the techniques and details of curses and such, but it makes the fight scenes seem so much longer, and I'm like goddd please just shut up and fight (I'm literally not retaining any of the info they're saying anyway asldkja)!! Also, some of the fight scenes, even without a ton of dialogue, were just ridiculously long. Like did we really need 3-4 episodes of one fight between Yuji and Mahito?? I was like somebody new please come in and kill Mahito ASAP.

LOL the way that I was like "FINALLY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME?" when Yuta finally arrived at the end, only to be like boooooo when he said he was gonna kill Yuji. Like nooo you two are supposed to be friends, okay. Be friends. Amigos. Pals. Fight side-by-side. Nah but surely Yuta will come around and fight alongside Yuji, right... right...

Wow yeah lots and lots of deaths this season. And now Megumi's sister is awake so okaaay...

Also, that Megumi dad dude was awesome as hell. He was freaking insaaane. I didn't care that he was kicking everyone's ass, I was just like let's goooo!

So anyway if any of y'all are reading the manga, please lemme know if Yuji and Choso retain a stronger bond of sorts or if that doesn't happen at all. Or if Choso straight up dies and they never get the chance for any kind of "hey that scar brain dude helped birth us so we're brothers" talk.

!!! I almost forgot!!! Why was Megumi holding Yuji's hood like this lmao. It was cute. And just. the big pile of bunnies.

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[mellotronmkll]

I feel so bad rn cos i feel so bad for my dad because he's going through some pretty hard stuff rn which I will not get into but it just sucks its very sad and i know its bringing up a lot of past trauma for him and i just feel his sadness so keenly because it's crazy too because we are both so so similar like I'm So much like him but I kind of never realized it growing up and we never talked about it until recently but like. Just the way our brains work and our social difficulties struggling with friendships and insecurities and stuff and idk but we have been talking about it a lot more since he started going to therapy and I started to get more open with my parents about a lot of stuff i was keeping quiet but anyways its like. We share a lot of sadness and shame lol i dont know and the main thing is we both are so withdrawn and always withdraw further into ourselves when things get bad but we both are trying to stop doing that and so I'm trying so hard to reach out to him and connect with him more like 1 on 1 and he is too and it's so frustrating to me that we don't live in the same house anymore. Because like I just talked to him on the phone for over an hour and it was so nice and I can tell he really needed it and like we have our family dnd session on Monday and he kind of shyly asked if we could just both get on the call before the rest of the family shows up to just talk about music and stuff for an hour or something beforehand and I was just like YES of course but likeyeah I don't know it's so frustrating because I just want to go and give him a hug and spend time with him because we both desperately need it but he lives 8 hours away and the most frustrating thing is thinking about how when I Did live with him and also during my 20s after I move out we didn't really connect like this because dumb things got in the way like me being a teenager and him being repressed and weird about talking about his emotions and being vulnerable and now that we actually both can be completely honest with eachother it's INSANE how much our feelings mirror eachothers and how much we can relate to eachother and its just like. If only we had done this sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there's no time like the present but now I live so far away. And honestly I just feel like I took him for granted earlier in my life but also he needed to work on himself too and so did I so I dont know. But also he was as far as dads go a really extremely good father and I tell him that but when I was a teenager I was definitely making him feel I hated him and I wish I could Truly express just how much I actually am grateful and proud of him and forgive him for everything that I ever was angry about and anything he ever fucked up lol. But it's crazy to think how like earlier in my life I was horribly selfish and I was busy and stuff and I still thought of my parents as My Parents instead of you know real people on some level subconsciously..and back then I probably wouldn't have registered or noticed as much when he was struggling with things like he is now but now it hurts me So much to just only be able to call him and try to let him know he's not alone but I know from experience that even though that helps. Like I Know how bad it can get because I feel it too and we are the same. And just. Oh my god man getting older is so crazy and sad! Honestly! And its just gonna keep happening and thats the scariest thing. but anyways

[halalgirlmeg]

Battle of the Hijabs (Under read more because this got longer than I thought and I started ranting about why representation in media fucking sucks atp and why the TV show Quantico is the worst):

Coming in at number 1, getting the gold: LITERALLY ALL THE HIJABIS IN WE ARE LADY PARTS like the variation in hijabs alone is so beautiful I love it, iykyk, Stream Bashir with the Good Beard. Like very real to life with different styles and personalities, don't you just love when shows actually treat hijabis as real human beings

All the hijabis from every version of Skam (except Italy fuck you)

Goldie is like next bc the actress isn't a hijabi but like I feel like they depicted being a hijabi really well for the most part like with her thinking she wanted to take it off and realizing everything about herself was nice it was very complex and well done imo

Qadri's next cause tbh I liked her style and the fact that she wore al Amira hijabs. I know everyone's like oh those are for little girls or they're ugly but tbh it makes sense bc I feel like being that she's training to be a surgeon and it is very convenient cause who's trying to be calling a code and fight with some chiffon or jersey material?? Not me! (They lose points for that one scene cause you mean to tell me she's only going to use her hijab to stop the bleeding and nothing else?? Come again?? She's in a hospital!!)

Next is Adina from The Bold Type, tbh idk how to feel cause she's a lesbian and played by Nikhol Boosheri and I was excited at the time but tbh some of her choices def had me scratching my head and I feel like they could've did a bit more to showcase her identity ykwim

Marjan from 911 Lone Star cause bro what the hell was the praying scene, did y'all talk to one Muslim? Download the Learning to Pray app on your phone I'll send you a link like be SO FR, then them saying her masjid kicked her out bc her hijab accidentally came off (which happens so much in television) like...again did you talk to anyone, I could see backlash yes but I just *sigh* again which Muslims did you talk to like idk about y'all but a stiff tug or strong wind has tested my hijab before like it happens, we cover back up and move on

Bottom 2 but not thee bottom, Nadia from Elite (hear me out cause the bottom of the list will make sense) obviously its so low because she wore hijab and they had some decent commentary at first, and then removed her hijab, and for Guzman ol racist crusty lip ass like, this who you risking it all for??? GIRL??? Like if Vic Mensa asked to see my hair I'd let him see that and much else (I'M KIDDING, I'd marry him first ok, astaghfirullah) no fr like but it's even that like they made it that she's more confident without her hijab people like her more, like it's obviously same old song like hijab is removed and suddenly liberation like they could've showed it in a more tasteful way if they wanted to but what did I expect from Europeans esp Spaniards like

And coming in Dead Last Raina Amin, tbh girl its not even about you...WHO WROTE THIS. Cause I watched it back in the day cause you know representation but like *pauses before I sip my coffee* hold tf on. Like where to even begin, the cop propaganda? What do you have to prove, cause they tried to get me i would've been like get tf off my porch. Like and the FBI? How did they even recruit the twins? The government watchlist? Blair Imani slid up in the masjid to snitch? I mean, what the hell? And this show had so much talent to be so extremely questionable (and that is putting it mildly). But we're discussing the twins rn. Raina specifically. So it doesn't even stop there. Like so much was wrong, so you mean to tell me she's in love with a man who used to be an IOF soldier, who helped them actively target Palestinian women for God knows what (the show implied certain things), like WTF is this, like everyone wants to talk about her removing her hijab and kissing him but like we have bigger fish to fry, that is like at the bottom of the problem list. Like did we see the man they put her with and she still loved him later EYE. And then two more things and then I'll shut up. Okay so they were working for the Government to infiltrate terrorist cells whatever bc they were going to attack American soil. No mention of how terrorist groups like the ones they're depicting mostly target minority sect Muslims and lead to their deaths that usually go unnoticed by anyone who is not them, Iran and Nigeria, if I remember correctly are where a lot of the casualties are from. I hate propaganda cause its the same old shit like we really pushing the agenda huh? And hijab removal scene again worst part cause you know what I hated after this other stuff cause red flags with major red lights and a bullhorn. But there was something where they had to change their look because their twins but like as one person but one is a hijabi, the other is not. So they were like we have to find a middle ground, someone who's easily targeted because they're muslim but also loose (I'm paraphrasing but you see what I'm saying?) Like fuck y'all. Fuck whoever wrote this. Like from head to toe Quantico is like an absolute clusterfuck of everything terrible people do with hijab characters (not to mention the rest of the cast but that would be even longer) but dead last because like maybe some of the others on this list at least tried if they're not terribly misguided but this depiction is like dangerous, it's a reminder why we don't just get all our info from TV and other fictional narratives, we talk to real people and we learn real things because this is absolute bullshit to say the least

[colourstreakgryffin]

Istg, y'all are the most hurtful people I've encountered here in Tumblr. I'm sorry, but I was just hurt yk, every other blogger that followed you and including you sort of teamed up and discriminated against me. I'm sorry, but I was just hurt, and it has been done, it cannot be changed, I'm having a hard time. I try to fucking move on from it but everyone else just fuck it up. It's just hard yk? It hurts so fucking bad 🙍🏾, It's been hard for me too fyi 💔. Being hurt is just not that easy, how would you or any of you feel if this has been done to you too and then you're also in a bad situation in rl? 🙍🏾 If you or anyone else would be in my place I'm sure it would be understandable, and I hope it will be. And look, they will comment and say some things again and it's all my fault. Srsly, fuck me then 🙍🏾💔

If anyone still thinks that I'm just doing this to make someone feel bad, then idk what else to do or say. I srsly really just wish that I would die rn, life is so fucking bad to me and idk why I'm still living. I'm so fucking tired, plus life and people treat you like shit, fuck this I'm done

No… darling, I wasn’t trying to throw shade at you or throw everybody at you. I said sorry and I thought everybody would leave you alone since I was clearly in the wrong and the way you spoke was a pure accident. I am sorry that this all happened and I wasn’t TRYING to make you feel like you’re being bullied or discriminated against. I am sorry if anybody was harassing you behind my back, I will be very pissed if they did because I had apologised and taken responsibility and I thought it was over. Please don’t just give up, some people are just awful pricks and I am sorry for being one of those awful pricks, okay? All I want is for you to be okay. I felt offended from the first comment but that doesn’t justify the way I spoke so I am very sorry, please don’t just give up on your life. Okay? Your life is beautiful and you deserve lots and lots of love. I hear everything you say and I agree, I’d be upset too if everybody was against me, even after everything was cleared up and I understand fully. I don’t deserve forgiveness but I’ll still say sorry anyway for the way I reacted and I hope you’re okay, darling. That’s all. What I am saying is NOT me trying to suck up to you or save face on this website. Right now, I care about you and your health and everything I say is meaningful. Please don’t just throw your life away, you and it is very beautiful

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[taylortruther]

sorry to vent but i honestly am just so damn tired atp of having to desperately cover everything in disclaimers and constantly perform outrage just to be allowed to exist in fandom spaces now as a black fan. like my original mindset was just that it’s disappointing but i don’t and can’t expect celebrities to perfectly mirror my values, and with all the actual problems in my life and the world - including racism that actually affects my real life AND things i have the ability to potentially do something about - i wasn’t going to spend my time and energy being furious that a pop star i’ll never meet is fucking an edgelord i’ll never meet either. like i’m sorry but i already compartmentalized all this YEARS ago and have zero expectations of celebrities so it’s just whatever to me. if taylor herself was spewing racist comments or if matty was actually some white supremacist nazi and not just an intentionally provocative edgy douchebag it would be different, but TO ME PERSONALLY the actual situation as it is is just not that serious and not worth my outrage.

but am i, one of those ‘poc fans’ everyone is constantly falling all over themselves to declare themselves supportive of and ‘safe’ for, allowed to feel that way as one of the people actually targeted by that idiot’s dumbass comments? NOPE! you best believe people were FURIOUS that i thought i could get away with not performing Angry Black Woman Rage for them every single time i want to simply engage in my hobby and discuss fun things, or analyze surprise songs, or express empathy for taylor in any circumstance, or just do anything that isn’t ranting 24/7 that she’s terrible and racist and irredeemable. so now every time i want to do any of those things i have to write 6000 disclaimers that yes taylor is awful and no i don’t like matty just so overwhelmingly white fans won’t yell at me that i’m not really black (an accusation i’ve now gotten three separate times), or that i’m hurting other poc by “condoning racism” (which i have not done), or that i’m so far up taylor’s ass i would still stan her even if she personally called me the n-word (the final straw that made me turn anon off probably for good) and idk it’s just…not fun being here anymore now that everyone is just going to treat me like a doll who’s only here for them to virtue signal with (and ‘virtue signaling’ is a terrible term but like that is truly, genuinely what a huge chunk of this fandom is doing rn), claiming to obsessively care about my feelings and fandom experience so they’ll look good but then berating and scolding me every single time i step a toe out of line and try to express my own opinion or commit the grave sin of Enjoying Taylor Swift On My Taylor Swift Blog. like sure taylor disappointed me but it’s other (again, overwhelmingly white) fans who have completely ruined being here and made it a miserable chore to be a black fan, not her. atp I just want her to drop him and everyone to forget not bc he sucks but bc i just want to be allowed to exist peacefully on my own blog again, without having to constantly walk on eggshells so the people who ~care about marginalized fans~ won’t come call me a stupid brainless bitch who lets taylor manipulate me because i’m a self-hating racist. i’m just so tired.

i am tired too and i am really grateful to you for writing all this out (i hope it felt a little cathartic) because i 100% AGREEEEEEEEEE. the way this fandom acts anytime they start talking about uplifting poc will never not be weird to me and i think you explained why perfectly.

[rianafying]

i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control

this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.

[grntaire]

oversharing on the internet again lol

i kinda think i should break up w my partner and im super sad and confused abt it bc like. i love him very much and he is an incredibly kind person and is rly funny and attractive and all of these things and yet. i still feel like something is missing. like i never felt a magnetism to him or butterflies or anything like that? i would get excited when he'd text me and i would look forward to seeing him but i think i just need someone who matches my energy more? i'm definitely more outgoing than he is which is ironic bc i'm really not extroverted in the traditional sense. like i can talk to ppl plenty once i'm comfortable but it takes me a bit to get there. and truthfully being the more outgoing one in a relationship is not really a pressure i can handle. i'm also like, the only one who ever suggests we go out and do stuff. i genuinely can't remember the last time or if he's ever suggested we go out on a date, ever, and ik he doesn't mostly because of money which i get, and also bc he's very much the type of person who any quality time is good quality time and doesn't need to go out on dates to know that but it's really important to me and i've told him that and he's never done anything abt it. also when we do go out i usually end up paying for the both of us bc he's a full time student rn and i was working full time for a while and could kind of afford it but also like, no i couldn't lol. that's not to say he doesn't do anything for me ever, quite the opposite, really. like i don't drive bc Trauma so he has to drive an hour just to see me and he does it gladly, he's also given me so many rides to work before too. not to say we've been too transactional bc for the most part we've been okay about it but at the end of the day i think i just feel love on like, a bigger scale than he does, or i want a love that feels bigger than this. i am definitely more of a romantic than i let myself admit and idk i am so scared that i would be settling if i stayed with him.

but also generally i'm in an odd place w my life. i'm living at home again and i'm putting off my student teaching again so i can save up money and get my breast reduction and all that and i went through a whole career crisis bc graduating college in 2020 and starting grad school immediately that fall fucking sucked and i had wicked bad burn out that i'm still recovering from and i really struggled with whether or not with my love for music and if i still wanted to teach it. im finally in a place where i know its what i love and it's what i want to do, though, which is nice. i also need to restart therapy (doing so at the end of the month) and work thru my trauma so i can get my license bc oh man is it catching up to me and dealing w the guilt of ppl having to drive me places is slowly driving me nuts. so part of me is like idk maybe its not him maybe its everything else. or maybe its all of it. but it just feel like my life right now is so crowded and i just cant handle it all and my gut is saying i need space from him. but i'll miss him so much, too. fuck this fucking sucks lmao