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kingsandsaints · 4 years

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I feel like not a lot of people consider that whenever we see billy displaying genuine emotion in the show is whenever he's crying. I like the idea of billy letting his guard down in front of steve not being afraid to cry, even over the small things.

Oh BIG TIME! Canon!Billy is one big mask. I’m still rewatching s3 with my sis and it’s honestly so weird to be reminded of what a douche Billy is in the series :p But yes, the only time the mask slips is when he really can’t keep it on and he starts crying. I imagine it would take A Lot before he can cry in front of Steve.

[*record scratch* then I started writing something that became a scene and then there were other scenes and then it basically turned into one of those ‘x times B y’s + 1 time B z’s’ thingies. anyhow, I hope you enjoy]

~ Billy learns to cry in front of people ~

First time it happens, Billy has had a shit day. It probably had something to do with his dad said to him in a fit of anger, something that seemed insignificant at the time, but proved harder to shrug off than he initially thought. He’s irritable. All of him feels as if he’s covered in a thick slime that’s itching and oozing but impossible to scratch off.

Steve doesn’t notice that Billy is crawling out of his skin and wants to be left alone. After a while of him playfully trying to get Billy’s attention, the guy snaps. Steve’s wide eyes are enough to make Billy’s heart jump in his throat because fuck he’s doing it. He’s lashing out and it’s scared Steve and somewhere from the pit of his stomach comes a mean whisper that tells him that he’s just as bad as his dad.

He mumbles an excuse and disappears into the bathroom, locks himself up and sits down at the edge of Steve’s bathtub because of course the Harringtons have a big ass tub. As he’s trying to figure out what happened, why he’s feeling this way, he starts to cry. He didn’t know he had to, but now that he does he doesn’t want to stop. After a minute or so he swings his legs across the edge of the tub, shoes and clothes still on, chest shaking and curls up inside it. It feels better, letting the soft whines echo across the tiled walls of the otherwise deadly silent bathroom. He doesn’t know that his crying is loud enough for Steve hear their muffled sounds from across the hall.

“Billy?“ he says softly as he raps his knuckles on the door. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” Clearly he isn’t.

When Billy hears Steve’s voice he lets out a wounded wimper and shrinks even deeper into himself. No. No. Steve can’t see him like this.

Somehow he hoped that if he ignored Steve long enough that he would eventually forget that Billy was even in there and get back to whatever he was doing. But Steve doesn’t give up and it’s not doing anything for Billy’s blood pressure.

“Babe? Can you let me in?”

‘Let him in.’ Steve was asking so much more than simply taking the lock from a bathroom door.

“Go away,” Billy blubbered into his knees. A pause.

“I can’t hear you.”

Billy lifts his head, clear his throat and in the most steady voice he can manage he says:

“I wanna be alone for a bit. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“I can hear you’re upset. I don’t want you to be alone in there.“

“Steve-” Billy takes a deep breath of air that seems both too hot and too cold at the same time. “Just give me a second, yeah? I just wanna be alone.” The silence on the other side of the door draws on.

“Okay.”

After that the quiet returns. When it does, Billy finds that he doesn’t feel the need to cry anymore. Having to negotiate with Steve sort of pulled him back to earth it seemed. He still takes another 10 minutes of quiet contemplation before he gets out of the tub. Then another 5 of looking at himself in the mirror, trying to fix his hair and face to make them say anything other than ‘I just cried in your bathroom like a fucking pussy’. Because that’s what it is, he’s just too sensitive. He needs to man the fuck up.

Billy stares at his own red-rimmed eyes and thinks ‘what does he even see in you?’

It takes one last deep breath before he can finally take the lock from the door. He startles when, upon opening Steve tumbles into the bathroom and hits his head on the tiles.

“OW! FUCK!”

“Dude, what the fuck! Are you okay? Have you been here the whole time?” Steve squirms as he rubs the back of his head. His dark hair that is spawled around his head stands out starkly against the tiles.

“I kinda forgot this door opened to the inside, sorry.” His voice is quivering. Billy’s heart drops when he sees tears well up in Steve’s eyes.

“Fuck, are you okay? Are you bleeding?” Steve pulls his hand back to find that there is no blood.

“I don’t think so,“ he whimpers.

“Here, let me look.” Billy helps Steve sit up and digs his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, reliefed to find no wound. He’ll probably get a lump but for now there’s nothing there.

“Seems you’re okay,“ Billy breathes as he pulls back and searches Steve’s face for a sign of hurt. “Are you?“ Steve takes a deep breath and wiped the wetness from his eyes.

“Yeah, should be fine.” He whispers as he rubs his hands dry on his jeans. “What about you though? Are you okay? What was that about just then?”

Billy doesn’t answer right away. He’s still registering that Steve just passed a few tears and moved on like that was nothing. He didn’t even hide it. It didn’t even seem to occur to him.

The second time is when they are watching a movie. When Steve wanted to get high and watch a Disney Movie, Billy didn’t expect it to be so sad like fuck did they really have to kill the mama deer? Couldn’t they just let them eat some fucking grass? At some point, Steve turns to Billy and asks:

“Are you crying?” Billy blinks furiously and clears his throat.

“No,” It still comes out croaky. He’s just tired and a bit woozy and emotional. Steve laugh is warm and kind. Billy finds that he doesn’t mind Steve’s snickering, especially not after the little squeeze he give to Billy’s thigh.

“It’s gonna be better from here on, I promise.” He says sweetly. And like that the moment disappears.

It still feels wrong at times. Crying is a punishment in and of itself, but in front of people is straight up torture. It’s simply not an option. To cry is to show weakness and to show weakness- well, then you die. Billy is pretty sure that’s how these things work. So whenever he is frustrated, it comes out in either rampant anger or silence. He shuts down and finds himself inable to respond to anything. It’s almost as if his body doesn’t even exist. At some point Steve learns to leave Billy alone when he gets like this. He often needs to collect his thoughts before he can even begin to think about talking through his feelings.

After a particularly rough night, Billy stands on Steve’s porch, water pouring from the sky and out of his eyes. As soon as he opens the door, Billy launces himself into Steve’s arms. And Steve catches him. He actually catches him and keeps him up on his feet. His arms fly to Billy’s drenched back and he holds him tight while Billy sobs into his shoulder.

It’s terrifying. Billy expected Steve to dissolve, to drop him, but Steve is solid and warm and he smells like home. He’s not going away. He’s here. He’s staying and he’s safe.

“Hey, tiger,” Steve whispers gently as he rubs Billy’s heaving back. “Lets get you out of the rain, yeah? Lets go inside.”

Steve gives him dry clothes and a blanket and hot chocolate that is more lukewarm than hot because he didn’t put it in the microwave for long enough but Billy still drinks it. Because Steve held him up and Steve is towell drying his hair and Steve isn’t scared of him or put off by his weakness. Steve talks to him like he would otherwise. When he senses that Billy is not in the right headspace to talk about what happened, he does the talking for him, a little monologue to give Billy’s mind something to do. Steve talks about the video store, about the girl Robin has been trying to hit on, about the kids and their shenanigans. He plays with Billy’s hair, scratching at the nape of his neck as Billy sips his drink and when he’s done, Steve takes him upstairs to a bed where he never lets Billy slip out of his hold.

Years later, at Joyce and Hopper’s wedding, Billy is asked to speech. Or rather, he insisted on giving a speech. After his own dad found out about Steve and kicked him out, the couple took him before Neil could even get Billy’s suitcase out the door. They’ve been better parents to him that his own family ever was. They saw the good in him, gave him a roof, clothes and put him through college. And above anything else, they never made him feel like he was too much to handle, moodswings and all.

Billy starts out playfully and manages to pull a few laughs from the crowd but as he gets serious, his throat closes up, a hand come to his mouth and he has to struggle not to let the dams flow over. Then suddenly there’s a hand on his lower back, the scent of a familiar cologne and a gentle whisper in his ear.

Hand still on Billy’s back, Steve takes over, speaks the words that Billy can’t get over his lips. It’s a litlle bit embarrasing, to have his boyfriend read out his deepest gratitutes to a room full of people, but Billy can feel nothing but love from the room. He can barely glance in the direction of his adoptive parents because he knows for sure that Joyce is crying and once he sees her tears he’s sure he won’t be able to keep dry.

As Steve gets to Billy’s favorite part, he takes it back over and forces the words through his narrow throat. He even manages to look the couple in the eye a few times and find that even Jim has a bit of wetness in his eye.

When he’s done, the crowd errupts into a long withheld applause as Jim and Joyce get out of their seat to embrace their son. Steve pulls Billy into his side and kisses the tears from his cheeks.

“You did good, baby.” He whispers. And Billy almost believes him.

This just became a little ficlet ?? idk how that happened. I don’t know if this was something you wanted but thanks for the ask! I’m usually not the person people come to for headcanons but this was fun! keep em coming!

#harringrove #harringrove headcanon #billy hargrove #steve harrington

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