#i fucked myself over SO hard. bc i bought All In which deletes ALL your points unless you get a successful lottery roll

[dahliasanddimples]

Are we day 12? I’m so over over writing about it… for now. It’s like I care but I’ve said all I need to. But today thinking about you being with someone else did make me jealous. And a part of me day dreams that we’ll run into each other and give each other the biggest hugs and you’ll say you love me and want me back. I feel like I’m dreaming like Wale’s music video the break up song. Dreams vs Reality. LITERALLY. I’m over here day dreaming about cute shit 😩 that we’re gonna run into each other like a romantic movie we’re gonna talk about our feelings, like really talk about them, you’re gonna confess your love to me, tell me you can’t live without me, fight for me, make a scene for me and then we try to work it out. I swear to you that’s all I’ve dreamt of today. But in reality we’ll probably run into each other. Avoid each other. say hi? Awkwardly. Not say much. Play coy. Play “too cool”. But in all reality reality we might not even run into each other. We might even pass each other bc what would those chances be? And I don’t even wanna keep day dreaming like that bc if it doesn’t happen then what? I’m waiting there, dreaming hoping and it doesn’t happen then I’m sad and disappointed. Which is usually what happened during our entire relationship. I dreamt up this fairytale relationship and these cutesy things you would do for me.

And we probably could have been a cute social media couple. But a part of me thinks that you would’ve just done it for views. Now that I know you you don’t actually do cute things. And EVERY guy is capable. I know you’re capable of planning bc you bought sunnies for an event MONTHS in advance so I know you’re capable. A part of me knew that if we did decide to be cute social media couples, that you’d do it for the views and not for us. For them and not for us. I want someone genuine. Who does it for us.

Sigghhhhh WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER. okay it’s actually a lot better but when do I stop missing you so much? Like I went wine tasting and on the drive back I woke up and just immediately wanted to cuddle. Like all I could imagine was hitting you up, just to cuddle. Just to sleep over. And then leaving. It’s so hard to close that door. I know I’m not blocked and I’m wondering if you think I’m gonna reach out to you. I was sad I deleted our message thread but I just knew it was the best. I would have went back to the very first ever message. I would’ve stayed up every night all night just reading through those. And the pictures we sent each other. The jokes we had. I had to. I had to delete those. And I asked you to block me. Basically begged you to block me bc I just know I would reach out. I’m wondering if you did. I’m sure you didn’t and probably waiting for me to reach out. But why would I if I ended it. If we both agreed. I just wish you would’ve texted back at least like yeah you know what I agree. Like yes I love you too let’s work on ourselves but no. No text back. No reply. Which is fine bc I told myself this is how I feel I don’t need to hear back.

Please give me the strength (and the sense) to not text you when I get overly drunk. It happened once but that’s it. You weren’t even my biggest cheerleader. Sent you a booty pic didn’t get noOoOooOo mf’n heart eyes. Sent you a pic of me didn’t get noOoOooooo damn you fine reply! You know what. You were lowkey a hater. You were lowkey a jealous type. Like I think you felt safe bc I wasn’t on social media but let me tell you… LOL you were actually a hater now that I think about. Low fucking key. Not even my biggest supporter. Whatever.

Please please please I hate you I hate you I hate you. You’re a loser a loser a loser. Let me get over you over you over you

[nexus-nebulae]

i hate getting interested in something that's very not well known bc like i wanna talk to ppl about my silly little dice game that im supremely bad at but nobody will know what half of what I'm saying means

[alien-bodies]

Oversharing Time!!!

(i just made that title up that’s not the official title I’m just Like That)

Ok so @frogyell​ tagged my main account (I am BLEST) but that’s for Refined Star Trek Content and this one’s for excellent moodboard content and garbage so here’s the garbage!!! I’m putting it under a cut bc it manipulates your brain to want to read through 85 fuckin facts about me more wow I love science

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

1. last drink: Water! off to a great start

2. last phone call: my local Hot Topic. I feel like I should also mention I work there. But if you don’t know that and steal my phone you’ll see I have a contact named Hot Topic

3. last text message: Google sent me a verification code, but the last one I sent was to my brother it says “k”

4. last song you listened to: It’s called The Horror Of Your Love by Ludo, if I had to delete all but one song on my 121-song Best Enemies playlist I’d keep this one it’s Peak and kinda has vore but it’s metaphorical. metavoreical, if you will

5. time you cried: during my latest EMDR sesh! I was in Wales and everything it was a Lot I got ice cream after

6. dated someone twice? Big No

7. kissed someone and regretted it? Not really?

8. been cheated on? my ex had 16 anime dating sims downloaded at one point while we were dating does that count

9. lost someone special? yea

10. been depressed? hella

11. gotten drunk and thrown up? I’ve been drunk 1 time and it was when I was playing English handbells at my dad’s church’s wassail night but I did not throw up no

fave colors

12. Black

13. Lavendar

14. Light blue

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends? Hell Yell!!

16. fallen out of love? k i n d a ? ?

17. laughed until you cried? oh absolutely

18. found out someone was talking about you? OH BOY YUP YUP

19. met someone who changed you? yes! she managed to physically alter my hippocampus without touching it how fuckign whack is that

20. found out who your friends are? It’s always the same miraculous group chat

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list? sure have

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? I keep it nice and refined so all of them. My old account is another story

23. do you have any pets? one beautiful and talented cat named Moriarty. A good description is she’s got puppy software on cat hardware.

24. do you want to change your name? listen I’ve been through 4.5 of these fuckers, I like Nate, I’m Quite Finished

25. what did you do for your last birthday? invited 2 pals over, I remember one of them suddenly whipped out I Am The Doctor and the Dr Who theme on the piano out of fuckin nowhere and I was like “Daniel what the hell you’re so talented” and then I hardcore dissociated the rest of the day

26. what time did you wake up today? 10:00

27. what were you doing at midnight last night? chatting w @houseofoakdown​ and also editing my monstrosity of a fanfiction

28. what is something you cant wait for? Going back to school! then I can graduate in my pajamas and eat creamed corn in celebration

30. what are you listening to right now? the same goddamn playlist, this one’s called Battle Cry by The Family Crest, i cri erytiem

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom? probably???

32. something thats getting on your nerves? my brother vaping in the bathroom with the fan on at 12:30am

33. most visited website: tungle dot hell

34. hair color: I started out blonde af now I’m less blonde but still blonde.

35. long or short hair: short

36. do you have a crush on someone: :[] yes

37. what do you like about yourself: i’m hella smart, my moodboards are bangin, my writing is cool af, I’m well-hydrated at all times

38. want any piercings? Big No

39. blood type: A+!!!!! thats me!!!!!

40. nicknames: my brother calls me a goon sometimes

41. relationship status: im married to my laptop

42. zodiac: I was born on the last day of Taurus so I’m a definite Taurus/Gemini power combo

43. pronouns: they/them, tho in some places I use he/him bc The Dysphoria got hog wild enough I decided to pretend to be a trans guy so ppl would take me seriously, but I’m moving more towards they/them everywhere now. 

44. fave tv shows: Dr Fuck, Sherlock (I’m armed with a pitchfork and an arsenal of beefed up tv & film knowledge come on fight me), DOWNTON ABBEY

45. tattoos: in August I will get a bee on my right arm and probably a Secret Word in Gallifreyan on my left it’ll say fuck

46. right or left handed: one time I was bored in grade 10 and tried to make myself ambidextrous but that was a hassle so I’m firmly right handed. Except in archery.

47. ever had surgery: got all 4 wisom teeth out not long ago! I still need to squirt water in my gum holes so I get all the mushy food out :{

48. piercings: I used to have my ears pierced but they’re grown tf over now!

49. sport: first of all what the hell is this question looking for second of all I have a red belt (which is 2 below black belt) in Taekwondo. I really need to do that again hhhhhh

50. vacation: i went to England and France in the summer with my family as a “””grad trip”””, it was lots of fun but my collection of sensory issues extended to chomping and I dissociated so intensely in The Louvre my mom told me to go back outside so I wrote fanfiction while listening to 21 Pilots and chatting w my imaginary friends and it took me like 18 hours to process I’d seen The Mona Lisa with mine own 2 eyes. Also the plane was delayed twice bc we used Air Canada for some godforsaken reason and I had 0 hours of sleep when I went to the Sherlock Holmes museum and I started talkin to this bust of Sherlock Holmes and then I hadn’t eaten enough and we were walking to this bookstore and I said “I need food!” and my dad said “We’ll get it AFTER” then I shouted “I’M GONNA DIE” so I got a BLT from Tesco. 

51. trainers: h

more general

52. eating: the last thing I ate was chocolate chips straight out of the bag

53. drinking: I got another cup of water

54. im about to watch: my entire fanfiction to take 3000 notes on consistency. and by watch I mean read

55. waiting for: my brother (not vaping) to get out of the bathroom so I can PEE

56. want: Orphan Black to be on Netflix so I can actually binge watch it then call my grandma about it

57. get married: idk I didn’t think I was a get married person but since realizing I’m a lesbian it seems like a good idea!

58. career: nurse and a writer. I might just move to London and work double time to write enough scripts I have some street cred then pitch a TV adaptation of Faction Paradox to the BBC and win

which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs bc it means my friends are in my vicinity not Toronto

60. lips or eyes: uh. eyes???????????

61. shorter or taller: i’m 5′3″ and I would love a tol partner

62. older or younger: i don’t think I care

63. nice arms or stomach: what fresh hell does this mean. I’d like a nice stomach free of gastrointestinal issues and acid reflux. not that I have either of those but just in case

64. hookup or relationship: I have 300 many self-esteem issues so imma say relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: AU where I don’t have anxiety and I’m a trouble maker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: noop

67. drank hard liquor: I PUT RUM IN THE WASSAIL HELL YEAH also once someone bought me a shot at a queer dance thing bc it was payday and my friend told me to gulp the WHOLE SHOT and then the lemonade so I don’t barf and I was like “brah this is too high-stakes” so I poured the vodka in the lemonade and took sips and everyone stared at me

68. lost glasses: in grade 6 and then my mom threatened to make me wear one of those granny glasses chains so I never lost them again

69. turned someone down: ya this kid Cyrus used to chase me around in grade 5 and I’d run away always he was weird af one time he made out with a folder right in front of me in the middle of class

70. sex on first date: probs not at this point but I’m not opposed to the general idea when I’m less w h a c k e d  u p

71. broken someones heart: Not that I know of?

72. had your heart broken: c o n s i s t e n t l y in the most fricked up ways god

73. been arrested: no but once I booed at the police bc the local nazis (yeah) were gonna have a rally so we had a counter-rally and I dropped in but there were no nazis except one old dude in a MAGA hat showed up 2 hours late lmao

74. cried when someone died: oui

75. fallen for a friend: Big Lesbian Mood

do you believe in

76. yourself: YA BB

77. miracles: not as such

78. love at first sight: nah

79. santa claus: I wasn’t allowed to believe in Santa as a child bc he was “too much like God” sad

80. kiss on a first date: ye!

81. angels: big no

other

82. best friend’s name: I don’t exactly have a proper best friend but I’m goin with Liam

83. eye colour: blue/grey

84. fave movie: either The Force Awakens (bc I love bb8 and I’m gay 4 Rey) or Interstellar shut up

85. fave actor: uh idk let’s go with my brother

WOW THAT WAS LONG JEE🅱️US. I’m tagging @houseofoakdown @spoonietimelordy @gemvictorfromtheponyverse @spockswhales @raesand and that exhausts the ppl I know but you’re all worth quadruple in my heart 💖

[angel-nero]

11 questions...

I was tagged by @pureren @zaevran @glaspaladin @z-ayauitl and @kcgane ty so much !!! ♥

RULES: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

my questions…

1. what’s the worst piece of clothing you own?

2. what’s the coolest piece of uh fashion that is so cool you can’t even wear to go out? lol

3.- what book have you read that you feel it has been the worst?

4.- What’s the healthiest meal you actually like?

5.- do you love keith kogane? (or vld keith lmfao what u prefer to use)

6.- something paranormal ever happened to you? if yea, what?

7.- do you get jealous easily? with who? (friends, popular ppl, talented ppl, the s/m)

8.- what’s the cutest thing you own?

9.- what are your favorite crisps?

10.- do you have a favourite drink?

11.- can you tell im hungry? what hobby you wish you liked or wish you did?

i tag: @kukinta​ @kittyr0se​ @heirith​ @liesfromsatansbuttcheeks​ @sheith-love-always​ @acequeenm​ @blessedkeith​ @lukaspatel​ @ke1th​ @ace-pidge​ @keith8​ but only if you want to!

TESSA’SS AND!! TAMI’S QUESTIONS1!!!

1.  Do you connect with people easily?

mmm, I don’t becos im a very quiet person and can be w u w/o talking at all and I get overwhelmed by convos I don’t care about also it’s kinda hard to win my trust and also interest lol. I’m nice tho, i mite not be enjoying myself but i’ll forev b nice w u.  

2. Did something good happen to you this week?

uH yeah, i’m doing things to improve my health, i did my uni exam, im frEE, i finally don’t have to go to rEliGIoUs classes aNYMORE and UH,,, i got a diet to win weight and its cool i get to eat ESQUITE LMFAO. i will see my bffs in friday and i have browney mix there i should bake but im lazy

3. What’s the personality trait that annoys you most in other people?

When people pretend to like something just 2 b friends w someone or ME, do you know we can be total dif and maybe still b friends if u cOOL. Ass kissers, hypocrisy, LIES LOL. I don’t like fake ppl at all.

4. If you could participate in any existing tv reality show, which one would you choose?

The ones where they change ur style and buy clothes for u 2 love urself and do ur hair and make up and buy u xpensive undies. I loved that crap when i was in secondary school lmao

5. What’s something you’re insecure about?

That I can’t be in one place without wanting tofuckin run, the fact that i can’t eat w ppl at all, that i have to go to the fucken gYM

6. What’s your favourite way to hang out with friends?

:’)) well,,, i go to my bff’s house or they come. If im fine then walk around my neighborhood cus it’s nice ahaha anxiety am i rite. oKAY, even if i get anxiety i like ice skating, or roller skating, i have a lot of fun. My friend want us to go to this pixies concert and im like :(( boo i love u

7. What’s your favourite fic trope?

lol idk,,,,, pining? mutual pining? no pining and they getting to know therngs im melttin sTOP idk…… it depends on whAT shIP. I just know i’ll read any fake dating of my otp. idk idk duuuude i legit don kno. It’s not a trope but i love crunchy feelings, showefjsid fksjnj its hard to talk about this im sOrry

8. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve liked in the past?

hahahahahaha my crush

9. What do you consider to be the best period of your life?

When I was 14. I went to parties more than i go to them now lol, i drank and smokkd w who where my best friends back theN i know it’s whack. we used to go to roller skate? all the damn time and did sleepovers and everything was funny, we practically lived together and my friend that was 16 drove us to places lmao,, everything was so good. but like, dont imagine me too wild i only smokd like 5 cigs in my life and hookah and we even broke one.

10. What do you consider to be the worst period of your life?

mpghgg, when i turned 15,,, in the middle of it everythin went to shit to the actual date. But im trying to change that

11. How did you meet your best friend?

I met her,,,, 11 years ago. Look, I usually have best friends in pack. I have 3 bffs at the moment, one of them sat next to me in 2nd year of primary school. IDK how i got to actually know my absolute bff tho but we did a lot of weird shit. we also met in the same classroom and she was my bff back then. The third one was also a frind but not so much during those years. Later i changed of classrooms and shit and bonded more when I was 14 w 6 friends and those r i did crazy shit w but we got separated and stopped talkin and they invited me to the club a week before my uni exam but i was high on meds and sick af. and never replied also going to meet em again at the club makes me nervous af tbH…. I have had a lot of super close friends in my life wTf. In my new school i have also 7 friends that r super close.And we’re also a pack of bffs. I actually had a hard time to use the word bestfriend lol, not bc of me havin a lot or anythin, i was just emo i guess

BEX’S QUESTIONS YOo

1. What’s the strangest nickname you’ve ever been given?

:))))))))))))))))))))))))) gabhole, gabaloney, TETI THAT SOUNDS LIKE TITTY. now ft Aztec secret 

2. Do you like to gossip?

UMMMMMM,, i dont like to listen to another ppl judging someone, I hate it and i normally tell them to stop. it depends i guess

3. Are you afraid of the dark? um,,, no but i dont like it lol

4.Have you ever been stung by a bee?

no, but i steppeddd on one. I also was pickin a tree and till this day i dont knoW wTF it was but i had something big in my middle finger and it fucken hurt like a bitch and i had A BALL on it UGHHHHH I HATE BUGS

Bigfoot or mothman? fucking none

Do you trust anyone with your life? i mean, idk

Do you have any habits you wish you could break? yEAH, to stop tweeting my mental breakdowns is one lmao. 

Would you go ghost/alien hunting? 

both tbh, who wants to break into abandoned houses w me, i live in front of one,,, i mean not so infront but in the row of houses infront of me lmao english whO? dude rosetta stoned by tool is my aesthetic, alien stuff. bex listen to it pls

Best pickup line? (you’ve heard or used on you/you’ve used)

u r the best chair *proceeds to sit on em* keith to shiro probably

Mint or fruit gum?

I dont like gum much cos it makes me hungry or thirsty. I also drink too much soda to fuck w mint stuff :(( say that to the mints i bought lol :( i only eat halls or gum bc im nerves w ppl so they stopped bein a thing i enjoy for me lol. i do that since im like,,, uh,,, idK 15. it fuckd my stomach

What do you want to be remembered for?

I mean if I have to pick and b unrealistic, for art maybe,,, or for the thing i end up working with, like architecture or somethin. Art, def art cus i like art so much

ZURI’S QUESTIONS!!!

1.-if you had to chose one thing to eat for the rest of your life what would it be? 

I MEAN THIS QUESTION IS THE DEVIL I GET TIRED OF EVERYTHING TO THE POINT I DONT WNAN EAT ANYTHING I WILL JUST IGNORE IT SSAYS ONE AND SAY MEXICAN FOOD

2.- what are you most afraid of? Mental illnes and being ill and living 

3.- do you have a favorite place to visit?

I mean,,,, i love walking in the center? centre? of my city bc is like going to another place. Is also fucking Cuba in there. Everyone says that, my dad asked a cuban marine he met if it was true and he said it was ‘’ the fackin same’’ So its like,,, travelling in time and places. also the beach and the port.

4.- what type of weather you enjoy the most?

I need the sun, otherwise i get sad… i like cloudy w sun. I just like to go out in the afternoon tho lol so like,,, sun pls so the sky can turn pinkish

5.- do you have a rare ability like dislocating your thumb or moving your eyes really fast?

i move my tongue real real fast and also can do the cherry knot thing and uh i can like, be aberrantly stupid too. hey but dont fuk w me and bother me 4 bein stupid, i will fist fite u and i mite b stupid but i will also mite think u r stupid if i don like u so fuk off. Dam,,, i get like, bothered so easy LOL like, think u r better than me and i’ll fist fite u LMFAO WHY THO I SUK, but like, if not bothered, i think of everyone as my equal… wow this was not the question

6.- do you think it would be easier to create one universal lenguage or an accurate translator? nO… dont delete culture like that,,, an accurate translator mite come in handy u kno but like, some languages have words that don’t exist in others so like :-/

7.- is there something that soothes you no matter what? um no i wish

8.- favorite piece of clothing? boots and thights

9.- is there a song stuck in your head right now? YEAH dig down by muse i love it, every1 says it sUCLks but i can’t stop listenin to it

10.- why is your favorite animal your favorite animal? i don play favs but i love the honey badger bc of this pleas fuckin watch it and THIS

11.- morning person or late riser? Oh,, i cant wake up to save my life so late riser

SUNNY’S QUESTIONS!!!

1. do you have any plushies? a LOT but im like,,, they r in my wardrobe and i luv em but like,,, they’re all gifts,,, did u kno one of my past bffs bought me a dino for christmas?

2. have you ever walked out the cinema before? 

Yeah, i love drive’s aesthetic and Ryan gosling a lot but is SO boring so idk if my friends and I got kicked out or we prefered to get out to talk haha. 

3. if you could have a mascot what would it be and why?

A CHINCHILLA, they’re a irl pokemon and they r so cUTE

4. what would your theme song be? kool thing, sonic youth maybe or is she weird by pixies. All Over the world by pixies too lol

5. do you have any phrases or sayings you find yourself coming back to often? not really, im so bad at remembering sayings and quotes

6what’s the nearest object to your right? a book called azul by ruben dario

7. would you rather live in the big city or out in the middle of nature? 

Big city forever. I love high? buildings a lot. I dont do that well in the rural life lmao 

8. are you working on any creative projects right now (fic/art/music/photography/ect) Nope at all and das sad cus i should b doing art lmao

9. what’s your favourite movie score? idk what is score… but the soundtrack of trainspotting is one of my favs… oh but score… aghgsdhaj any tarantino movie tbh or wes anderson movie… or before I disappear or demolition oR southpaw or the girl w the dragon tattoo

10. i say vol you say….? uuhhhhh,,,,,  vol….tron??? (ICONIC, I MELT, I LVOE HIM)

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)

[xxxchristinangocnguyenxxx]

My attempt of moving on ... I can’t really remember the exact dates.. but I wanna say it was about 2 years ago when I matched with this really handsome guy on tinder. He had a charming smile and seemed like fun (just kind of based on the pictures he posted). Tinder was just suppose to be a funny thing at first. I mean, I had met a couple of guys and had talked to some of them already so when we began talking it was nothing that I was really uncomfortable with. He was charming and said all the right things. He made me feel kinda special in like a weird way bc when I tried to stop talking to him, he called and continued calling and texting me and made it seem like he was dying to meet me. I know most people would say that’s really creepy and psychotic, but since I found this guy so handsome I really just couldn’t help myself. Fast forward a couple days later and I had finally built up the nerve to take him up on his offer to take me out. I called him and told him there was this new horror movie that I was trying to see and he gladly bought the tickets and picked me up that night. He was cute and kind of awkward in person but I just assumed it was because this was our first time meeting. I tried to break the ice by just making some jokes and just being super friendly. Once we were in the movie and it was about to start, he quickly changed his whole attitude about everything. He wrapped his arm around me as soon as the movie started and kept telling me to “lean on him” and was holding my hand and brushing my hair with his fingers..I felt kind of uncomfortable considering I barely knew him and we barely spoke for like 10 minutes but in a way, it was kind of nice getting that kind of affection from this guy who seemed to be so into me. I remember when he kissed me in the theater that night. It was right after I started laughing and shitting on the movie because the plot had went to shit. He kissed me pretty hard and pretty fast which he apologized for right after. I’m pretty sure I said it was okay, since we continued kissing a couple of times after. Once the movie ended I remember me feeling super flushed and red because I didn’t know what was gonna happen next.. we got into his car and he began to kiss me harder. Things were moving kind of quick and one thing led to another and I guess we ended up hooking up behind some building 5 mins from the movie theater. I lost my virginity and had only had sex probably twice or maybe three times before him and none of them were enjoyable. But with him, it was kind of different. It was hot and I was completely into it. It felt like something out of a movie tbh. I snuck him over to my house that night where we had sex once or twice more and it felt so amazing. He made me actually enjoy sex more than anyone and even made me feel so beautiful. I had never felt so wanted by anyone, or had anyone made me feel the way he did. But maybe that was the plan for him.. maybe he knew how easily I fell for him which is why he was able to make my life hell after just one wonderful night. I can’t even describe what the months after that felt like. I can’t remember the details. I remember the first time he walked out and blocked my number. It was right after he spent the night at my house. Everything seemed great. I remember the feeling of anger and frustration. How could he just leave my house and delete me off of every social media site and block my number? I felt disgusting. I felt heart broken. And I guess I should’ve saw the signs here, but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt. As weeks went on without any word from him I decided to just move on and try to forget about it. It was obvious that he was over it. Weeks later, he decided to text me saying that he was sorry and that he liked me so much it scared him and made him leave. He told me that he had gotten his heart broken by the previous girl and that he was scared to like another girl. He told me that he got kicked out of his house and had no where to go and that I was the first person he called cause he didn’t know what to do. After the speech of which felt like him opening up to me, I decided to give him another chance. I drove to where he was (about an hour from me) filled up his gas tank, drove him back to my house where I made him dinner and let him sleep on my bed. It felt amazing to have him back in my arms. I was excited and felt like maybe this time it would be different. I don’t really remember exactly how long he stuck around this time but I remember him leaving my house one morning and again blocking me on everything. I was humiliated. I was falling in love with the biggest fucking tool I had ever met in my whole life. I was heart broken and angry enough to change everything about myself to make me forget about him. I dyed my hair blonde, I pierced my nose, and I tattooed my body. I became mean, self centered, bitter. I slept with guy after guy and drank and smoked and told myself that he meant nothing to me and I was using him for sex. That was my excuse to try and shield the pain that he left in me. He would come back into my life after that once or twice a month for almost 8 months. I took him back every time And I would try and act like it was nothing and everything was fine. I acted like I just didn’t care. We would meet up, have meaningless sex and he would leave and I would say nothing. I would tell him that I couldn’t see him because I was too busy fucking other guys just to piss him off. I wasnt too good at keeping this up considering I would have melt downs every now and then, confessing my feelings for him and telling him he’s the only one I wanted. I wanted him so bad and it made me crazy. It made me feel like as long as he would show up and fuck me one or twice a month that it was okay bc at least I could see him. I was completely vulnerable and wrapped around his finger. This wasnt the whole story. I didn’t put in any details about the arguments and the times he stole my money and accusations he made about me or even just the times he lied about his life to make me feel guilty and take him back. I wanna tell whoever reads this, that it took a year of my life to finally say I was done. It took me meeting a new man who treats me how I deserve to be treated to finally let go. I was used until there was nothing about myself that I loved left. To this day, I still can’t listen to certain songs, see certain cars, go to that movie theater, or even hear his name without feeling that pain in my chest. I wanted to forget about it. I wanted to just pretend like the part of my life didn’t happen. For the year that I have been with my boyfriend, he has tried to contact me several times and I denied them all. I recently got a new phone and assumed this number was just a future client asking to book a hair appointment. The anger that I hid away for a year spilled out of me yesterday morning ray. I don’t think I can ever forgive u for what u put me through. And maybe one day I can finally learn to accept and let go. The hell that u put me through, All the manipulations, and the accusations, the constant mental abuse you caused me left me feeling nothing but a lot of grief that I’m still trying to fix and repair. I hope that u never treat anybody else the way you treated me. I hope u think about me and realized how amazing I was and what u lost. Thanks to you, I know that nobody should be treated the way you treated me, not even me. So I hope u think about this for a long time. And go fuck your self.

[adiafunke]

to look back on in a year

also I did like 50 of these and it deleted wth ;_;

1. Is there a boy/girl in your life?

I am attempting to be single all of 2017 simply for growth and whatnot but I am dating bc hello I'm 19 and I have a favorite boy out of the few lol 

2. think of the last person who hurt you, do you forgive them?

I don’t hold a grudge or think about what they did but if they tried to be in my life again I would say no so idk probably 

4. what is something you really want right now?

motivation // positive reinforcement 

5. Are you afraid of falling in love? 

I think the only scary part is that you can fall in love with people who are bad for who or mistreat you but aside from that I think the privilege of falling in love is nice

6. Do you like the beach?

In theory yes because you get tan and its peaceful as well as beautiful but then you get there and it is too windy to read a book without hassle and SAND IS IN YOUR SHOES FOR 3 YEARS AFTER 

8. What is the background on your cellphone? 

Bo Burnham wearing an in&out shirt at one of his shows it is s’cute 

9. Name the last 4 beds you were sat on

mine, Nick Bocks, Wiliams’ in Iowa City, oddly probably Sams’ in mid January 

10. do you like your phone?

I’m apples’ bitch at this point 

11. Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

no but I’ve never been a planner and have always been one to change my mind so who knows what my “plan” was

12. Who is the most recent contact to be added to your phone?

I got Logan Hamilton’s digits ayy

14. Which hurts the most: physical or emotional pain?

I’ve never had a big physical injury but emotional pain lasts so much longer and can grow over time 

15. Would you rather visit an art museum or zoo? 

Art Museum. As I’ve gotten older Zoos make me quite sad tbh 

17. How long have you known your first alphabetical phone contact? 

Aaron, I think 2014? He is in prison now, yikes

18. Would you ever consider getting back with any of your exes?

There is a part of me that always wants Nate if he counts. He is the only one I would even slightly consider anything with, everyone else is best in the past.

20. When did you last talk to the person you shared your last kiss with? 

He snapped me 30 minutes ago and I haven't opened it 

21. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

No. I don’t want the responsibility of a “wife” title. They love me and they can wait lol 

22. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? 

I plan on it tonight 

24. Is there a certain quote you live your life by? 

If I had to pick “you can never be overdressed or overeducated” Oscar Wilde 

25. What’s on your mind? 

The dishes I need to do 

26. Do you have any tattoos? 

No and I cannot believe at 19 I don’t have any. At 16 I thought I would have 5 by now

27. What is your favorite color?

YELLOW 

28. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

2 hours 

29. Who are you texting 

“Elizabeth” 

30. Have you ever kissed the last person you kissed on a couch?

no and why tf are there so many kissing questions? 

31. Have you ever had a bad feeling something was going to happen and then it did? 

This is my least favorite thing because yes I have and now I manifest these bad feelings that something will happen all the time and it’s so annoying 

32. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can talk to? 

Everyone I ever talk to is of the opposite sex these days 

33. Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I hope the boy I'm flying across the damn country for in a few weeks does 

34. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

They are my best feature let’s be real 

35. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone in front of you?

It’s their life they can do what they want

36. Were you single on Valentine’s Day?

Last year I turned down 2 dates because I thought Nate and I were talking haha sick 

39. Has anyone upset you in the last week? 

Maybe once but I’m used to it from that person so I don't pay it much mind anymore 

40. Have you ever cried over a text?

BOY LEMME TELL YOU 

43. Last time you wanted to be away from someone really badly? 

The last time I went to will’s apartment 

44. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? 

Logan talked to me while I bought batteries lollll- earlier today 

47. Would you ever go bald if it was in style?

No I’m 90% sure I have a lop-sided head 

50. Top 3 webpages?

youtube, tumblr, spotify 

53. Are goodbye’s hard for you? 

Depends. I’m usually either all in with emotions or not at all so I surprise myself. I’ve said goodbye to people and felt unbothered and yet I also continue to cling to people for way too long over trivial characteristics or circumstance 

54. What was the last beverage you spilled?

I had beer on me last night go Adia 

55. How is your hair?

thirsty as fuck, don't bleach your hair 

57. Do you think 2 people can last forever?

I'm hopeful but why do you need just one person forever? There are many great people out there. You have to never stop trying to impress and win the person over. I think open-relationships are good lol 

61. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? 

It’d be nice to be in Oregon

65. This time last year can you remember who you liked?

yeppppp good shit 

66. Is there one person in your life who can always make you smile?

I am fortunate enough to have a few 

68. What were your last thought before falling asleep last night? 

man I hope I don't sleep through my alarm to take emma to school 

70: how many windows are open on your computer? 7 internet tabs and spotify  72: what is your ringtone?  a marimba remixe of hotline bling what is wrong w me  73: how old will you be in 5 months? 19  74: where is your mum right now? in California with my step-dad for some vaca  75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? He wasn't a boyfriend towards me. Our relationship felt like I had a friend I put a lot of work into and I got tired eventually  76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no  77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? yes, i have a few I still talk to nearly everyday  78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? omg this boy named Kane from my middle school. I was told he liked me in 6th grade so go me  79: is there anyone you know with the name mike? My old best friend’s dad is named Mike. He’s a funny guy.  80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? aww thats cute yes I have  81: how many people have you liked in the past three months? wow ok like 6 but most are older flings I just reconnected with and liked for a few days again. Also “like” is so subjective. It’s all casual in my eyes  83: will you talk to the person you like tonight? yeeeesssss  85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? depends on the “drug” but overall no I don't care as long as you aren't shooting up heroine or ruining opportunities for yourself.  86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? I sucked the guys dick because the theater was empty lol why am I like this  89: what is something you wish you had more of? patience. perspective. 90: have you ever trusted someone too much? yes. yes yes yes. 92: do you get along with girls? girls make me very nervous so it isn't that I can't get along with them it is just that I don’t approach them and I’m really short with conversation. That is probably my least favorite thing about me.  94: does sex mean love? No. Sex means whatever you need it to mean but the other person also is letting it mean what they need and you have to remember that

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?No we would just talk shit to each other until we got out 

99: do you believe in love at first sight? no but I believe in a feeling or lust at first glance. i think we have intuitions due to biology and all that which makes us able to look at someone e