#i genuinely wonder how much this contributes to body dysmorphia on both ends of the spectrum | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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I still feel really sick...and my head is painful now too. And I'm sad. I'm always at least almost sad I guess. This time it's because I went back to watching It's Okay to Not Be Okay and 1) Seo Ye Ji is so beautiful and graceful and I've just watched the episode where she's wearing The Outfit that the internet went crazy for because her waist is about as big as my thigh and oh my god, 2) reminds me how little the world thinks of autistic people, and 3) support. And community. I want those.

Hb is here but not really. It's a lot like the little conversations you have with acquaintances - 'hi how are you' 'yeah not bad thanks and you' 'yeah good I've been digging up the garden blah blah bullshit.' It's more than that because we talk honestly about whether we've been ill, if we're unhappy, the bad stuff. But only slightly, because it's still surface level talking with no real feeling or connection. Every day he asks me 'how bad is it today' and I'll say something like 'I slept horribly. I have really bad anxiety. I feel sick, probably gonna stay in bed. Also my brother got in a fight with another patient in hospital and got moved to the intensive ward' And he'll say 'lol life. I'm tired bc med withdrawal, feel like I'm drowning. Quiet day. My dad is out of surgery. I fed the cats earlier.'

I don't know if he feels like I do about it. It's something I've only really been able to put into words just now as I write it. That although we're very open and honest with each other, there's no depth of feeling.

It's the complete opposite with bf. We're both quiet people, so we won't always talk much. But I feel like if I say some of the bad things above, I get a hug. A proper one. I get the comfort feeling of having someone next to me. I wonder if it's how we both want things to be or if it's just how we both are for other reasons. Is there some reason hb offers all the tangible support but none of the feeling? Does it just not translate to me?

I want to talk more to bf, but I need to feel more with hb. I find that I don't often have much to say to bf other than the odd comment here and there, or that I miss him. But then I don't have much to say to hb either, just that we live together and have to sort things out together. And he's a very talkative person as it is so he'll often talk to me unprompted even if I barely respond.

I still just need a hug. Some physical company. Even when I ask hb for some company, even when he actually obliges, he'll talk at me a bit, sit somewhere in the room with me and do his own thing, eventually give me a brief hug and leave. It's more than I was getting for a lot of last year, when I barely saw him at all for months. But I want to actually be next to someone.

I haven't even told bf exactly how little I've seen or spoken to hb this past year. I don't know how to put it. He's more experienced with polyamory than I am and I don't know how it'll look to him. On one hand, it's only the truth. I have a relationship that's so distant it's barely a relationship anymore, even though we live together. On the other hand, I don't want it to come off like I'm using him as my therapy and to fill the gaps in my "official/real" relationship.

I did tell him once when I was thinking about moving out not long ago. But I didn't say much on why. I guess to him it'll look like we had a really big fight due to lockdown stress but everything is otherwise fine. I guess it looks like I'm getting laid because after all I live with one of my partners. And that I have company and can talk and hang out. But I think he sees and hears more from his housemate than I do from my husband.

I keep thinking 'I just need to lose weight.' Then what? Stupid ED brain. Weight loss can't fix this. It can give me the confidence to take more photos and flirt more, and to go back to work. How do I know I'll even have any work or earn enough. If I did, I could really think more about leaving if I have to. But it's not going to fix it. Losing weight won't teach me how to hold or start a conversation better or make hb start acting with some genuine feeling.

So I want to drink. I don't know what that'll fix either. Just temporarily quell the panicking feeling that bf is sick of me and I'm disgusting. Then I'd just go back to feeling like this. It's only the end of day 2 alcohol free. I feel really sick and alcohol will just irritate my stomach. My head hurts. This episode of IOTNBO has someone not being able to sleep because of nightmares, and someone else just holding them to make them feel safe. I need that. I think it's contributing to my body dysmorphia. I feel like I'm expanding and I need someone to hold me together. I don't know if it's that I need a hug or I need to be smaller. Probably both and they just feed off each other.

It's nearly 6am. I'll see hb even less this next week because I've gone nocturnal. He has this same sleep disorder and will go nocturnal himself later, but probably once I'm back on normal time.

I just have my stupid cat lying next to me because he's afraid of the rain outside. And the hope for weight loss and maybe a message from bf tomorrow, maybe he can start a conversation where I can't. Again. A couple of hours ago I was 156.6. I haven't had anything since then. I guess I might be 154.6 tomorrow. That's only just about okay. I'd really rather be considerably less. I'm probably going to weigh myself again now, but I don't think I can take 2lbs off my weight now. I don't know.

I just want to feel okay. It's all well and good people saying it's okay to not be okay. I don't want to not be okay. I want to be safe and protected and wanted and loved. I don't want to be sick and in pain and tired and alone anymore

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