#i get sunday to play. and then i have a dentist appointment monday D:

[risingsunresistance]

yknow i meant to say "fursona" in that last post and not "furries" but im keeping it. some guys do just have furries. that might not be their sona it's just some fucked up creature they made. you can never be too sure

[a-day-in-the-life-of-a-brotha]

5-1-21 Bills and retro thoughts.

4:00 a.m.- I hit the snooze button up until 4:45...then I straight up turned it off and went back to sleep.

5:18 a.m.- “Shit, I’m late”...well at this point I might as well take my time. On this morning I don’t have to stop to get cigarettes, nor do I HAVE to stop to get two egg and cheese biscuits...but I will. My Dani love sent me a message to get up at 4:10, but it’s her day off and I expect her to be sleep...to no avail.

5:30 a.m.-out of the shower taking my sweet ass time. Dani calls “Hey babe” she says “Yo” is what I say. She can sense a sense of urgency with me so she asked “Are you still in the house?” “Yep I reply.” Short quick answers and a YO is not how I normally engage her. She was going to give me space to get ready, but I denied that.

5:45 a.m.- At McDonald’s, on the phone with Dani, and a car in front me in line (it’s never usually a car there because I’m usually in line before 5:30 a.m.. “Two biscuits, with round eggs and cheese...a larger sleight iced sweet tea, and a Big Breakfast.” Now that Big Breakfast is for Mr.D, my 87 year old shop supervisor. He’s a good man, and he literally built the place that drains the lifeblood out of us, makes millions via government contracts, and probably doesn’t pay Mr.D the wealth that he is due. I called Mr.D, with my Dani still in my ear, to let him know that I was going to be late. I pushed like shit to work...I have the strong ethic, moral, work code and I don’t like to be late. Although it’s a straight plantation I’m rushing to, and it’s a slave mind that drives me not to be late that I’m coherent to...I still don’t like to be late.

6:05 a.m. I’m 5 mins late. “Aww right now” says Mr. D (His signature greeting in the Morning, Afternoon, Night, when ya walk by him, when ya need something, when ya don’t need nothing etc). I hand him his food, complain about the night crew not doing anything, then I scurry off to smoke a jack and eat. That get me to thinking about a narcissistic experience I had last Thursday...

Frustration #1 -Level 1000. This is just one example of how my co-parenting has been with my children’s mother for almost 15 years. Bbbbrrriinnngg (phone ringing) “Hello” I said “Hello what’s up” she said. “Look, when are you being the children back, they have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 5” she spews. “Uhh tomorrow, I can bring them back tomorrow” says I. “Well, that will be pushing it”, she’s referring to how long it will take me to get to her home and the dentist office because I work Friday-Tuesday and I get off at 2:30p.m.. Now, it takes about 45-1 hr to get to her place...I could act make it up there and get them to the dentist on time, shit, before 5...bringing them back on Friday is viable for me. “Well bring them back Monday, I can schedule the appointment for 3p.m.” “I’m not going to make by 3pm”...Now if SHE truly thinks that making it up to her by 5pm is “pushing it” why in the fuck would think i could make it by 3?? Ahhh...here it comes, the narcissism...I see it plain as day now. Just to fuck with me she’s starting something. I also know now that this behavior is rooted in a perverted insecurity to control EVERYTHING!! “Why can’t you make it on Monday? You know I don’t have a car!! Uggh...I’ll just do it myself like I always do, bring them back Sunday!” “Umm ok”. Her not having a car is not my responsibility, why blame me for that? She doesn’t always do things on her own, hell I’ve been there since before day one helping raise our children!! I’m not a deadbeat, she’s not a single mother with no help, she’s a mother whose single!! I have ALWAYS went all out for my children, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually...you know...the things o deserve no accolade for...just regular Dad duties. This used to get me upset. Now I know where this behavior comes from. She’s a narcissist with me in particular. Men come and go, and I assume she wonders why. She needs healing, so do/did I. The latter part of this conversation was unnecessary...

10:44 a.m.- I’m at work...it’s the moment of now...tbc...

2:30 p.m.-I leave the plantation, full of energy and angst to get to this bbq spot that my online Call of Duty playing, homies own. I’ve known them for about 14 years now. We’ve hung out several times, we know each other’s families, they respect me...even though...well...even though. I’m just not from their hood is all.

2:50 p.m.- I’m on the phone with my Dani, per normal...I miss her being physically next to me, but for now our myriad of conversations will do. She’s different, I felt it when I virtually met her...she’ll be here for the rest of my life and I to hers...I know it. Nonetheless I’m about to purchase a plate of food I don’t eat, I’m a vegetarian. “Babe, why are you about to buy something you don’t eat?” “Because I want do some a review on them” I say. “ I know, but you should go somewhere, where you can eat” she says. It does make perfect sense to me...but I’m stubborn and my big headedness is dead set on patronizing this black owned business, plus, I’m an official food reviewer. I go in and order, o already scoped out the menu and I knew what I wanted...to pretty much give away. A crab cake, seafood Mac, lamb chops, and collards is what I order...$55 bucks. “Damn” I say in my head...shit I might have said it aloud. Dani is ever so quite in the background, still attached to my ear (I got a dated Bluetooth in my ear, but it serves its purpose...those Bluetooth’s that only niggas that wear pink or lime colored gators have...Them Uncle Father ass niggas). As I’m ordering...I see the youngin that was a baby at one point in life, whose the child of a brother I use to game with. “Young Kage!!” I exclaimed. “Is that Stryker?” “Yep, it’s me, what’s good...is anybody else back there?” Now when I said anybody else, I meant the brothers that I gamed with for 14 years...but he said “Nah, ain’t nobody here, and B just left.” It still was good to see the establishment and how these cats made some from nothing. I get my expensive ass meal that I’m not going to eat and head home...I made a stop a Chipotle for me and then excitedly proceeded to my sisters spot, who lives in the same complex as I. Dani, my love, went to dinner herself with Ari her daughter...she already was hip to send me a review on whatever they got...she pays me attention...one aspect of why I love her so. Tam, Somaia, and Jahi...LOVE the meal. I look at them eating it and I truly wanted to indulge. But nah...let me stay disciplined with my vegetarian regiment.

8:00 p.m.-I’m home...chillin...waiting for Dani to call. I fall asleep with her on the phone. This day was less frustrating via my interaction with less people. I still am always aware of my surroundings, who I am, and how I’m looked at. The worlds course outlook on is, never fades or goes away.

[theretirementstory]

Sun setting over the Colline A surprise when the police helicopter was hovering so close to my home What a busy week it has been! I am trying to get all of my “normal” commitments out of the way Monday to Thursday so that I can have three days together to do whatever I would like to do…….perhaps some baking, sewing or in the case of this week, gardening. That’s the plan and for the last two weeks I have achieved the three days to myself. On Monday morning I was busy preparing the salad to take to the volunteers lunch, I had cooked the crumble on Sunday evening so it was not too much to be prepared. Monique arrived and off we went. The gratin she had prepared was delicious and as it was warm we had that before the salad. My lovely eye-catching salad, made with laitue chene, tiny plum tomatoes, satsumas and this time a sprinkling of blue cheese was really only enjoyed by Marie-Therese and I as the other two cited stomach problems for not eating it. Mind you the gratin, which was pasta, lardons, crème fraiche and such a huge amount of conte cheese was not a problem to them. Again the crumble seemed to get the better of them, one cannot eat fruit and the other sat and removed the skin from the mirabelles and probably the nectarines too before she ate it. Mind you Marie-Therese had brought the tiniest little grapes and the same person sat and took the skins off those as well. Anyway, after having the food, the meeting started at 2 o’clock. We didn’t leave until almost 5 o’clock as one person was repeating the same objections over and over again. I had great difficulty following all of the conversation I must admit, but did add that it was difficult to teach people at such differing levels of comprehension. By the time I got home, I was just ready to eat and then flop into a chair as I was tired out. I seem to have been a (wo)man on a mission this week. Every morning I have been up and had some job on the “To Do” list that had to be done. I needed some new bags for the plastic and tin recycling and they can only be collected from the Town Hall on a Tuesday morning or Friday afternoon. So off I went to collect the new bags but not before I had paid a call at Mr. Brown the dentist to try and get an appointment for my poor tooth. Unfortunately, Mr Brown was on holiday and would not be back until Monday 28th, so I will have to wait until then to make the appointment. I hope the tooth lasts that long! Then in the afternoon I was having another session of physio. Apparently, by Thursday I will have had 15 sessions, the muscle in my leg is so much stronger that my foot is much improved. I must admit that the pain in my shoulder is not as acute as it had been but it is still there, so I need to have some more sessions. After the physio I headed to the bar for a coffee and to read the paper. It was lovely, just to go in, speak to my friends, then read the paper. When I returned home, I decided to get my music keyboard set up. I play by ear and really did enjoy myself playing some wonderful hymns (as you do), Happy Birthday, then recording Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for my granddaughter. After that I was giving it my best shot at playing My Brother Jake by Free, this needs more work on it but I was pretty pleased with myself. I had taken a skirt and dress into town to be altered, and on Wednesday morning (early) I was there to collect them. I had had a message to say that the knitting group would not be meeting this afternoon and so I went to the French class instead. As I said, my group has one person who was just learning the ABC, two school children, one of whom has made such a vast improvement since going to school that he really got to grips with the exercise and was on a roll, then there is the young girl whose Mother is also in the group, this young girl spends half her time erasing her writing as it is just not perfect and this week when she saw how quickly the other child understood the exercise she started crying and saying “I am doing it wrong”. I really must try and split her and her mother up. Her mother in the meantime is busy, listening to what the other group are doing, speaking in her own language to her husband and generally not getting involved with the exercises she is supposed to be doing. I am sure you can see my frustration. Anyway, the class finished and I was able to go back to the peace and quietness of my home. Another day and I was up with the larks, as Marie-Therese was coming for lunch. We started with a small salad (my signature piece I think) followed it with salmon, macaroni cheese and cauliflower gratin, then I had made a small apple crumble. Marie-Therese really enjoyed her meal and I was pleased as I did too and it was such a pleasure to make it. After she left to go to her French class, I had to go for physio. I knew I was feeling tired, but to my horror I fell asleep while on the TENS machine. After waking up, I decided against going to the bar and just went home, where I fell asleep for about an hour before I made something to eat. Then it was Friday, my first day this week to do as I wished. It was due to be warm and dry, so after going into town to pay bills, post letters and call into the bank I went to buy the plants I wanted for my woodland garden. It was lovely and warm and so I started putting in the plants. I think it looks lovely, although I have also been clearing out the tomato plants, and putting into the little garden iris, narcissus and crocus bulbs. I was so pleased with my achievement that I decided to reward myself with a visit to the bar for a coffee and to read the paper. When I arrived, I saw one of my author friends, who actually complemented me on my French. The bar was rather full, but my table and chair were waiting for me. On returning home, I was totally convinced that I would be unable to move on Saturday morning and so I had quite an early night. Well I did have “aching buttocks” but I decided to get ready and go into town to the market. Before I left I was feeling that I really do neglect Anie, and seem to always wait for her to ring me. Well, just as I was leaving the market hall, I heard someone shout my name and sure enough it was Anie. She said that she had been going to telephone me and was rather surprised when I said that I had intended doing the same and I asked her to come to my home on Sunday for tea and cake. She then said that we could then go off to the lake to see the “grues” (cranes). Now she is very keen on birdwatching, and all things nature and although it is not in my Top Ten, I know that it will be a walk and a way to blow the cobwebs off me, so that is what we will be doing. Although the weather forecast has said rain from 3 o’clock but it’s best not to be so easily put off. So I returned home, to finish off the gardening, do washing, prepare my meal for tomorrow lunchtime, made a batch of cheese scones, an orange cake and prepared a malt loaf to be cooked tomorrow. Oh dear, the remaining filling fell out of my poor tooth, so I will need to be up early on Monday to go and see about an appointment with the dentist. Then it was the clocks altering so I stayed up an hour later and I feel just wonderful this fine morning. Have a wonderful day, I hope that the weather is kind to you. It actually looks like rain here now. Au revoir.

[opepin]

june: week five

26: kevin woke up earlier than i did today o__o i rolled around bed and i was just so tired. i did wake up at like 6 am to pee and drink water because my mouth was so dry. kevin left to go to work and then realized he left his laptop and id at home LOLOLOL. so he had to train back and get them. i ate cereal for breakfast and then went to work and caught up on all the stuff that happened over the weekend. i also caught up with my financials and i’m so thankful that july is here so i can properly sort out my moneys lol. then i went back to work and started recording videos. i recorded and edited for the rest of the day. then i did ab exercises and snuck in a low-impact cardio workout...which i don’t think i should have done. ugh. :/ then i put chicken in the oven and made rice. i showered and got out just as the chicken finished baking. kevin got back from climbing and then showered while i chopped garlic and cilantro.

i ate dinner while he cooked. i got hungry so i finished leftovers and a chicken thigh by the time he was done. i asked kevin to take a quiz for me and he got real judgey about it -__-” like c’mon, it’s just a quiz. so then i just left him be and watched ‘crossroads’ in the bedroom. lol it was a good way to spend my evening <3 kevin apologized and then actually tried to take the quiz and them steamed soup dumplings for us. my mom called me and asked me about my foot and yelled at me out of love and asked me to move home LOL (that’s not happening). then i finished watching the movie, jammed out to britney’s old school music, and then brushed and went to sleep.

27: merp. i don’t feel like myself. i feel like something is wrong but i’m not sure? i woke up and went straight to work while eating breakfast. we had all-hands today so i took that time to do some internet errands. phil also said i didn’t need to work on monday so woot. i might work though. i was very productive and made one pagers for all the videos as well as exercises if necessary and i also pinpointed the next videos i could record and practiced using the new tools and ui. then i went straight into my arms and back workout. i talked to my mom for a bit and then baked chicken and showered. kevin got back and then showered and i ended up eating a chicken thigh and then we just went straight into making spring rolls and eating dinner. i told kevin how i’ve been feeling like we haven’t been spending quality time together as in time without reading fanfic or doing something else when we’re with each other. so we planned on doing more of that in the upcoming days. i watched some youtube videos and snuck in a 15 minute low impact workout to get my heart pumping a bit. i felt pretty bloated and sluggish today. i did my pt stretches and iced my feet as well. then i got into bed at 11:30 pm and started re-taking personality quizzes because why not? i got INFJ again for two quizzes and then a very confused one on the last one. apparently, i was on the cusp of extra/intro and intuitive/perceiving. i took it again and it said i was an ISFJ. hmmm. i got on the phone with hillary for a bit and then ended up sleeping right after. zzzz.

28: lol at this day... kevin and i slept in a bit and then i recorded a video before heading out to my doctor’s appointment. my appointment was super short because she saw my foot and ordered an x-ray for both my feet (just in case). then kevin picked me up and when we got back, i spent a good amount of time just finding imaging and radiology places to get my x-ray. the list using mycigna was crap because more than 3/4 of them were closed or did not do x-rays -__- why the eff were they on the results page when i looked up “foot x-ray - 3 sides”?! omg. i ended up just googling and finding a place close by and calling cigna to double check if they are in my network, which they were! i got on stand up and then made us spring rolls with the tonkatsu kevin cooked during my hunt and stand up. kevin went to get his hair cut when i was on my stand up and brought back bubble tea :3 then we ate together, i recorded another video, and then called cigna to make sure this location was in-network as well (i found two close by and i chose the closer one that i didn’t call about previously) and then i called the facility to make an appointment. 

the receptionist told me i had to have a pcp at the location so she sent me to the registry and i got my information put into the database and called again to make an appointment. note that i was put on hold every time i called to make an appointment. the lady (didn’t know it was the same one) asked me if i was registered and i said yes and then proceeded to ask me who my pcp was... i told her i don’t have one with them and that i have an x-ray order >_O” she told me i needed to choose a pcp in order to make an appointment and sent me back to registry...wtf. i told registry what was going on and the lady was so nice and tried figuring it out. the thing is, that it was almost 5 pm so they were all about to leave but she took my call anyway. she tried getting in touch with the receptionist but rq’d and told me that they’ve been hard to get in contact with anyway and asked if i wanted to talk to the other location and patched me through. omggggg, that receptionist though. anyway, the radiologist actually picked up and told me that i didn’t need an appointment and i just needed to come in and it’d only take like 10 minutes LOL. omg gg me. she was really nice so i didn’t mind but it took me 30 minutes just to not make an appointment...

i went straight to work after and managed to edit my videos and spot another one i could record tomorrow. i feel partially productive but still... ugh. kevin also wasn’t that productive either. hmm i’ve also been noticing a rise in my resting heart rate again so there’s that. -__-” ugh, i’m feeling really negative because i can’t do my regular exercise routine. i’m gonna find a way around it though! kevin chilled on the couch while i did some low-impact cardio with my sneakers inside the apartment. i think they helped but it feels so weird not being barefoot :( then i did oblique videos and i got super tired. after my workout, i did my pt stretches. kevin and i made spring rolls with the leftovers and then we relaxed for the rest of the night. i watched the latest episode of world of dance while kevin cleaned up. then i showered and put ice on my feet while watching youtube videos and etc before falling asleep.

29: i’ve been having weird action-packed dreams ahha. well, i got up and then kevin and i ate breakfast. kevin drove me over to the medical center to get my foot x-ray after. it’s located inside this nice shopping center / mall thingy in the middle of quincy! :O there is also a five guys, jimmy john’s, and barnes and noble in there. we found out that quincy college is right there as well. anyway, it was a breeze checking in and kevin joined me after he found parking. the x-ray was much like getting them at the dentist. the lady helping me was super nice and told me i should get my results by tomorrow. kevin drove me back, i went straight into the tech time call (wasn’t necessary). i did drop out at some point because of the audio. i worked after i dropped and kevin went to work at fitbit after that as well. i managed to record two videos and edit them before the day was over. then i chopped up some kale and garlic while watching the newest episode of masterchef and then i did a low-impact and leg workout. my feet are feeling better! they feel safer in gym shoes now when i work out. then i showered and kevin made fried rice and saucy pork belly with lotus root. we ate dinner while watching gordon ramsay videos.

then i went into the room and did some online shopping at american eagle. after debating on which tops to get, i checked out and found out that 3 of the tops i wanted were sold out T_T so i rq’d and blech. i spent my whole night doing that... then i did my pt stretches, iced my feet, and then stayed up reading stuff on snapchat news...ahaha. kevin got into bed while reading fanfic and i wanted him to just go to sleep so i tried distracting him and bothering him until he was tired but it didn’t work and i just ended up sleeping ahah...

30: ...we woke up to the sound of the fire alarms blaringgggggg everywhereeee -__-” so we went outside and i was half blind lol. today was the fire alarm drills in deco and we thought it would only affect a few floors, but nope! so we went back, tried to go back to sleep but then the alarms went off again so we went back down and then we went back again and i brushed up and everything so i didn’t go outside blind again. the alarm went off so we decided to get into the car and get breakfast or something except that kevin didn’t brush his teeth yet so he went back up after the alarms stopped and then we drove to the townshend where we found out that brunch is only on sundays... so we told the waiter we thought we could get breakfast here and he was super nice and understood. we left to go to craig’s cafe down the street. i got tea and the last order of eggs benedict ;D kevin got two breakfast sandwiches. mmm the food there was good and so cheap! our meal was only around $20 haha.

we drove back and all the drills were done so i went straight to work. i had a food coma so i did some internet errands before returning to do work. kevin went climbing and i got the work i wanted to get done, done. then i prepped food for dinner and exercised until kevin got back. i continued exercising while kevin realized that we didn’t have coconut milk to make the kale coconut fried rice so then we just ate leftovers from yesterday. i showered and then i plopped myself down on the sofa and played some bravely default... i’m trying to get all of the genomes i can for the vampire class before heading into the ending, which is superrrr long apparently -_-” haha. it was like 1 am when kevin joined me and he tried playing ff-x but switched over to hollow knight. omg, kevin started playing ff-x on steam and it is beautisss! i have so many memories <3 then we both got really tired and went to sleep at like 2:30 am.

july01: we woke up at like 11 am and stayed in bed until 12 pm. we ate breakfast and then drove to get tickets to see wonder woman and then we went shopping at the mall! we were planning on going to faneuil hall and shopping at uniqlo but kevin was lazy and just wanted to drive over to the mall. we went to j crew first and got nothing there. then we stopped by auntie anne’s to get pretzels <3 i was very disappointed in the garlic parmesan one because it was literally just all powder :( we got cinnamon sugar nuggets so that kind of made up for it. we stopped by gap where kevin got two pairs of pants and then we stopped by the food court to eat the pretzels. then we went to american eagle and aerie. i got kevin to try on these joggers he was looking at and he fell in love with them LOL. i tried finding the shirts that were sold out online but i couldn’t find them so i rq’d. i walked into aerie and told kevin he could wait outside if he was bored and didn’t want to follow me. i managed to find the sports bra i wanted and got it :) i got one sports bra without needing to pay for shipping / buy more stuff for free shipping -- yay! then we stopped by express on the way back and i did my best looking for things to buy but everything had the cross over lacing trend and/or drop shoulders and i’m not about that life right now. i tried on a pair of scalloped shorts and i fit a xs at express o_o’ i didn’t get them because the scallops were too big. kevin managed to find 3 tees and a collared shirt that he liked :O he had a good shopping trip.

we went to target after and got some cherries, noosa, and i got some insoles. then we drove back, kevin changed into his new clothes, cleaned out his t-shirt drawer, and i tried on my sports bra and chilled until we needed to leave for the movie. oh, we snacked on some mantou and chicken strips and stuff before heading to the movie. wonder woman was awesome -- it was so action-packed and i was never bored. kevin kept laughing at the awkward scenes LOL. whenever i watch a movie with kevin in theaters and he laughs, i realize that i am with one of those people who obnoxiously laugh at the movies. i’ve gotten used to it now and it’s actually endearing to hear someone laugh that hard in the movies. anyway, after that, we drove home, i snacked some more and then got in a 45 minute dance cardio workout. my feet are healinggg but i’m still avoiding hard jumps and stuff like that. i’m so happy <3333 i showered after and then remembered i had to do pt stretches and then ice my feet so i did that and then quickly got ready for bed and ko’d at like 1 or 2 am...zzz. oh, kevin got hungry before we went to bed so he made himself a breakfast sandwich and i asked if he could toast english muffins for me so i could put jam on it. he did that and put jam on it for me. lololol, he put a lot of jam on it so it became so sweet and i couldn’t take another bite after taking my first. lolololol. so that’s how kevin gets through jam so quickly...

july02: we got up at 11 am or 12 pm again. then we ate breakfast. kevin was still doing his morning thangs so i went into the bedroom and called to make a reservation at the envoy hotel for his birthday (: i got us a room and then i put our bedsheets into the washer and took some surveys until it was time to leave for our monthly massage. actually, i made us leave later than we were supposed to because the washer wasn’t done and i didn’t want to leave our sheets in there, but i looked it up and stuff doesn’t grow mildew until 24 hours later so we were good to go. we actually got there at 1:31 pm, which was on time :OO it felt soooo good. my masseuse, who is also the boss lady, worked on my back and shoulders today and it felt great. she cracked my back twice and my right foot (injured foot) and was worried she was breaking me but all was well! kevin and i were so relaxed and tired after that. we drove home and then kevin gamed until i asked him when we were going to go grocery shopping. i was super tired and had low energy. i just wanted to sleep. it was a struggle getting out of the apartment again.

we went to kam man and i tried looking for tiger balm but they didn’t have any. kevin got most of the groceries and we picked up ingredients to make che thai because kevin was craving it. then we went to bj’s and looked through two coupon books while picking up paper towels and juice. we drove back home and then i made che thai while he put away groceries. we put chia seeds in there and made it with coconut milk and then set them in the fridge. kevin and i cleaned the apartment right after that. i did a deep cleaning of the kitchen and the bathroom. oh, i also started washing our laundry. just as i finished cleaning, kevin started cooking. i managed to find the zodiac dog crystal for my mom’s birthday. i hope it gets here in time before we fly out to chicago on the weekend. nancy invited me, mindy, and hillary to help celebrate ryan’s birthday so i’m excited (: i hope hillary comes~ it’ll be fun. i started stressing about what to wear though. i’m pretty sure i’m going to stick to wearing my adidas because i don’t want to wear shoes that my feet aren’t comfy in. it was a pretty productive sunday. i still felt tired and grody though.

we ate dinner and then i folded the laundry and helped kevin wash some of the dishes. then we cleaned up and showered and i spent my night watching cutscenes from ff-x while doing my pt stretches and icing my feet. kevin came to the sofa to play hollow knight and i ktfo on his shoulder. i woke up and then brushed my teeth and made part of the bed while kevin brushed his teeth. then he put he covers on the blanket and we went to sleep at like 2 am. @_@; lolol my sleep schedule.