#i guess i found time for a full-blown defense of august

[chalkrevelations]

Y'all. So many people in the tag exercised over August saying right in front of Day's salad that he couldn't think of Day as more than a friend and only kissed him out of pity ... but nobody seems to care about the fact that he was only answering the question MORK JUST ASKED.

What tf is August supposed to say when Mork has pushed the issue right in front of Day? Lie, like that's not going to be obvious? Like Day doesn't deserve the truth?

I don't have time right now for a full-blown defense of August, but I will say that I find it very very interesting that after we've seen and heard Day's version of their story, of what they used to be in the past, of August's demands and Day's accommodations, we get this episode that tells us 1) Day is not surprised when August apparently forgets his birthday because he thinks "that's August," at the very same time that 2) August has not only remembered Day's birthday but enlisted Mork's help in planning a party for him. Almost like the August that Day remembers - the August that we've seen onscreen, through Day's perspective, coloring our perspective - is not precisely the August that we're dealing with in present day. (Almost like Day isn't a perfect narrator, for whatever reasons.)

Frankly, if I was August, I probably would still have not forgiven the guy who was my doubles partner in high-level sports competition for dropping off the face of the earth with zero notice - literally in the middle of a match - in order to apparently fuck off to the US and swan around for an indeterminate period of time - per what's coming from his family - thereby fucking up my career out of nowhere and not to mention without even the courtesy of any explanation of what's going on. You think you were let down by waiting five hours for me to show up for dinner? Try waiting a year to unexpectedly stumble across you on campus one day because you can't even be fucked to text me to let me know what's going on. Day wasn't the only one who got pushed into an "arranged marriage" on their doubles partnership - that goes both ways, and August was the spouse who was left abandoned in that framework, and he's had an entire year of that, so imo he deserves some credit for being able to turn on a dime and try to build/rebuild a relationship with Day so quickly. I submit he would have had every right to still be angry, and that forgiving Day so quickly could be seen as an outgrowth of pity, as if Day can't really be held responsible for his own choices and actions.

I also think August deserves credit for the fact that his attempt at forming a romantic/sexual relationship with Day doesn't seem to come from any kind of malice, but from wanting to make Day happy. August wants to make Day happy. Is this not a primary characteristic people look for in relationships, wanting their partners to be happy? If August had discovered that, yes, he did like kissing Day, then his gamble - just like any first kiss is a kind of gamble - might have paid off for both of them. (Not for Mork, of course, so it was never actually going to go that way, because we all know who's endgame.) August is navigating unfamiliar territory, just like Day's family has been navigating unfamiliar territory, and yeah, it's awful that Day then has to sit there and hear how August is pitying him, but that doesn't make August villainous, just misguided, because this is an Aof joint, and characters are both complex and imperfect, and that means they can fuck up with the best of intentions, just like real people do. I've seen some comparison of August to Gee, and how well she's adapted to Day's new reality, but first of all the relationships are different - Day doesn't have a crush on Gee, for a start - and second of all people are different. I feel like I'm seeing a lot of the same kind of anger and shaming language directed at August that's been directed at Day's family, compounded by the fact that he was supposedly Mork's romantic rival, and we all love Mork, so fuck that guy. Only he's not, y'all. He has now made clear that he's not going to be a romantic rival.

Anyway, I'm glad that they've taken time to make even August complex and interesting and imperfect and human, I kind of love him a little bit, along with his desperate, misguided, doomed attempt to make things perfect for Day, and I really hope we haven't seen the last of him. I would really love to see August and Day be able to sit down and say "hey, i wanted to make everything nice for you to show I care" and "hey, i'm sorry i dropped off the face of the earth, but now that I'm back I don't need a pity fuck, I'm a big boy and can get over my crush," and then maybe be friends.

[1000-directions]

Hello! You both give good advice and write Winterhawk, so I was wondering if you'd mind giving a few tips since I might want to start writing Winterhawk? Like, is one of them a raging disaster and the other mostly has themselves together? How do you see them? Which of them would break a (dumb) law and who would keep their dumb friend from getting arrested? I haven't read fics either so if you know of any that really nail their characters, I would also love that. Thank you!!

oh boy do i have a lot to say on this subject!!!

the thing about winterhawk is that they are both dumb beautiful oblivious idiots, but they are also both highly skilled and competent strategists and agents. there are certainly differences between the two characters, but i think what makes them so compelling is their similarities. they’ve both been brainwashed and forced to do horrible things that they would never do otherwise. clint was kept under loki’s thrall for three or so days and was indirectly responsible for hundreds of deaths (and directly responsible for maybe a few dozen). bucky was kept captive by hydra for seventy years and was involved in dozens of extremely sophisticated assassinations, including jfk. they’re both going to spend the rest of their lives trying to make up for things they did that they could not control that they still take responsibility for. they both have ptsd and nightmares. they are both still good, soft, loving people in spite of the terrible things that have been done to them. although they’re probably both down for a revenge spree to make sure the bad guys never get to hurt anyone else.

(they’re also both snipers. clint uses a bow and arrow, and bucky uses a gun. who is the better shot? it’s impossible to guess, they should definitely have a shooting contest to find out!! they should definitely bet on the results!! the loser should definitely have to take the winner out on a date!!)

they are also both canonically disabled. bucky lost his left arm and uses a prosthetic. clint is hard of hearing and wears cool purple behind-the-ear hearing aids (i realize that using the term ‘disabled’ for hearing loss can be fraught, but to my knowledge clint does not identify with the capital-D Deaf community, and his hearing loss is acquired after trauma and not congenital).

they also have their unique traits. clint has depression, and his life outside of work is always kind of falling apart because of it. clint is our good disaster boy who is trying his best, and his heart is always in the right place, and he is loyal and good and protective, but his life is a dumpster fire.

clint is 6′3 (tall!!!) and bucky is 5′9 (small!!!!!) and this is Very Important. clint has broad shoulders and really muscular arms and back because of archery, and bucky has real good thicc thighs Because We Say So.

clint has a one-eyed dog named lucky who he rescued after some assholes pushed him into oncoming traffic. bucky (sometimes) has a white cat named alpine, although he only started appearing in comics like eight months ago so not everyone is on board with this headcanon yet. 

uhhh also bucky is like over a hundred years old, and clint is like, i don’t know? in his thirties? i usually imagine him being in his thirties. but definitely not a hundred.

(in his defense, bucky looks extremely good for his age, but being cryogenically frozen by terrorists for long stretches of time will do that to you.)

“wait,” you may be saying. “i watched some avengers movies, and this does not sound like clint at all?” and, you know, fair point. the problem is that the first avengers movie came out in april of 2012. then, in august of 2012 matt fraction started writing the hawkeye comic book series which is extremely beloved and really deft and emotional and powerful and really changed how a lot of people saw the character, but it was really Too Late for any of that to carry over into the MCU. when people ship winterhawk, they sometimes mean movie bucky and sometimes mean comics bucky, but they almost always mean comics clint.

i realize this is confusing.

this is why you have to Read The Fic and Learn From The Masters.

here at Winterhawk 101, our reading list is pretty simple, and it is: the complete and unabridged works of @captn-sara-holmes, which can be found here. it is impossible to overstate how much sara is directly or indirectly responsible for pretty much every single one of us being here. like, we all go here, but she built here. i would posit that every single winterhawk writer joined fandom either because they read one of sara’s stories and fell in love, or because a friend of theirs read one of sara’s stories and they got yanked along for the ride (see below: winterhawk is a pyramid scheme).

i always suggest starting with clint barton’s super secret snipers’ club, which i think is a very accessible way into this fandom and basically a masterclass in what makes this pairing fascinating and compelling and tender and perfect. where you go after that is up to you. there’s time travel, kidapping, kidfic, this one amazing fic based on the martian that’s so good i don’t even know how to describe it, and plenty more.

study sara’s work. learn her ways. realistically, i think like 80% of us are just writing our stories based on her stories anyway.

but also! there are so many other people in this fandom creating amazing fics and fanarts, and it’s a fun and thriving and creative community full of people who are excited about making stuff and excited about people joining the community. there are always fandom events going on.

here is a link to the mcu bad decision buddies discord (18+ only, please), which is not officially a winterhawk server but…it is a winterhawk server. it moves fast sometimes, and some people can be a little feral, but it’s a great place to do writing sprints and to promo your work and to meet new people and ask questions.

the winterhawk reverse big bang wrapped up pretty recently, and there are lots of new stories and artworks available for you to put into your eyes!

@winterhawkbingo is going strong!

@mandatoryfunday is an amazing account that posts a new prompt every monday, and people spend the week creating arts and fics based on the prompt, to be posted on friday (or like…on saturday or sunday if you are me lol)

the winterhawk tumblr tag is always popping, and lots of fans track it or check it regularly. if you post a story there or if you ask a question about fandom, someone will find it, even if you have no winterhawk followers.

in conclusion

winterhawk is a pyramid scheme

it is, though. because the people who love this pairing love it so, so much, and it’s something you want to share with your friends. you get sucked into it, even if maybe you didn’t want to and you’d been actively resisting it because you were so sure you weren’t going to like it (am i talking about me? who can say?). and once you’re into it and your mind is blown, you start thinking of people you know who would also enjoy the unique kind of hurt/comfort, angst, recovery, catharsis, etc. that this pairing excels at providing. you’re gonna bring a friend along. you’re probably gonna bring a few friends along. and you’re all going to create cool stuff, and the fandom will keep growing and changing, and so there is new fan content being created constantly. it’s a very rewarding fandom experience. it really, really is.

anyway, both those idiots would break the law if it was dumb enough. clint’s the one who ends up in jail, but by the time bucky shows up to bail him out, clint’s already slipped his cuffs and charmed the secretary and escaped out the window in the bathroom. but he probably took three steps of freedom before tripping over his shoelaces and faceplanting on the pavement, and that’s where bucky finds him, passed out in the alley.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 1x04 Murphy’s Law

I’m a new fan of The 100, who first binged it last year, August to November. This is my first full rewatch of the show. I was planning to start it anyway and finish it before the season 6 premiere on April 30, and when I saw that Fox Serbia was airing a rerun (Monday to Friday, 40 min. after midnight, with repeats the next day), starting on 1st February, it was a great opportunity to start my rewatch in HDTV on my beautiful new TV. I decided to do write-ups and tag other fans on SpoilerTV website, as I did when I was first watching the show. But my posts turned into full blown essays. So, finally, after over a week, I’ve realized: Why don’t I post them on my Tumblr blog, too? I’ll copy my write-ups of the first 7 episodes, and then I’ll post my rewatch posts after I watch each episode. (The next one, 1x08, is on Monday’Tuesday.)

Spoilers below for all 5 seasons of the show. I go of on a tangents and make a lot of references to future events.

Rating: 7/10

The first 3 episodes took place over something like a day or two, This one happens a week later. Which is a way to avoid having to show Clarke's immediate reaction to Wells' death, and to have to spend a lot of screentime on her mourning, because most of it took place off-screen (we just see her at his grave, and later talking to Finn about him and how good he was to her while they were growing up). At least Finn got an entire episode, even though it lasted just about a day in-universe. This is something that TV shows like to do - have the characters mourn for an episode or a few scenes for a dead character and then never have them mention that person again. Well, at least they did have Wells' father see apparitions of his son multiple times and mention him several times, including when he was dying.

This episode instead isn't at all about Wells, but starts with the Delinquents learning that he wasn't killed by the Grounders and that it was instead one of them, using Murphy's knife. The title of this episode, Murphy's Law, aside from being a pun, also describes the chain of events not just in this episode, but the show in general: everything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong. This a really good episode right until the last 5 minutes or so. The interactions between Clarke, Bellamy and Murphy are really interesting. Murphy is at this point at his peak obnoxiousness. He's basically acting in the textbook "How to make enemies and alienate people" way. In the first couple of episodes, he was only antagonistic towards Wells, but now he's using his position as Bellamy's sidekick to bully other Delinquents for no reason at all, to try to make himself feel bigger, out of his own envy and hate and resentment, and his inferiority complex. To use a Buffy reference, if Murphy was a high school Mean Girl, he wouldn't be "Queen C" Cordelia Chase, he would be one of the Cordettes - people who latch onto someone more powerful and popular (in this case, Bellamy) and then bully others through that newfound 'power'. The infamous scene where he urinates on another Delinquent happens when he's overseeing the work (the Delinquents are building a wall to have a defense against a possible Grounder attack, since they still have almost no weapons) after he's first mocked that guy for not working hard enough (implying 12 year old Charlotte would work harder), and then mocked him when he said he needed water, but then Bellamy told Murphy to go and get him water. And that's probably why Murphy then urinated on the guy, he couldn't take it when Bellamy took the guy's side, so to speak, and cut down his position of power (or what Murphy sees as such) by sending him to fetch water. Hey, look, here's Manny Jacinto as one of the boys bullied by Murphy. Of course I didn't notice him before, he appears for like a second. Even with knowing Murphy's later development, there's no two ways about it, he was a total dick at this point. Which makes the situation more ambiguous when he's blamed and almost lynched for something he didn't actually do - Wells' murder - though he had threatened to do it, and together with Clarke jumping to conclusions and accusing him of it, because Wells was murdered by Murphy's knife, and the fact that most Delinquents obviously really dislike Murphy at this point (no surprise) leads to that result. What happens to him is wrong, and someone should have apologized for it. But that doesn't excuse him at all for what he does next, trying to make people kill Charlotte instead, after she has confessed, and then, after realizing no one is supporting him, doing his best to kill her, including threatening Clarke's life at one point. I wouldn't think this needed to be pointed out, but I've seen some people in comments to YouTube reaction videos to this episode actually, in all seriousness, argue that he was right and that Charlotte should have been killed. WTF? What's wrong with people that they don't get the whole being 12 year old thing? I know that USA has the weird habit of putting minors on trial as adults, but even then, I'm pretty sure even US legal system doesn't go that far to execute 12 year olds. At which point did the writers and viewers decide that Clarke was "the Head" and Bellamy "the Heart" (which the show made explicit in the season 4 finale, and then overturned in season 5)? I've always felt that was a huge oversimplification and I'm generally not too fond of it. Season 1 Clarke was pretty impulsive in some situations, especially in this episode (it was her best friend who was murdered, after all), immediately deciding that Murphy is the killer and should be punished, while Bellamy argued that this would be a bad idea, because it would create unrest and make the Delinquents turn on each other, and that it was better for them to keep thinking it was the Grounders who did it. Which was maybe cynical, but pragmatic and rational. (BTW, I don't think Bellamy made a connection that Charlotte was the killer - he probably forgot about giving her Murphy's knife or thought someone else took it, but in any case, I don't think it would have occurred to him that she would do it.) Then Clarke actually confronts Murphy angrily in front of everyone, which causes the avalanche of disastrous events, as the boy that Murphy bullied earlier and a bunch of others immediately decide to hang Murphy and ask Bellamy to do it. 

Clarke had a lot of moral certainly at this point (which will be eroded slowly over the course of the show) but sometimes it was a bit too straightforward (she didn't stop to think how people will react - you could say, she didn't know her audience that well as Bellamy did), and here she realized that things weren't that simple - she wanted to get some kind of justice, but didn't want Murphy killed, and seeing what she had caused, she admits to Bellamy "I was wrong earlier, you were right". 

But where Bellamy goes really wrong in 1x04 is decide to "give people what they want" - in this case, a culprit they want and his death. It's one of his biggest mistakes in S1 and one that will come to bite him in the a.$s, especially at the end of the season when Murphy starts his revenge spree, which will be directed at the guys who first wanted to hang him, but most of all at Bellamy himself. And Bellamy will learn his lesson, an opposite one from Clarke, that you need to do the right thing and not just give the crowd what they want (in 1x12 he tells Clarke "Crowds make bad decisions, just ask Murphy").

The moment when Bellamy goes ballistic and starts acting on pure emotion - and tries to kill Murphy immediately - is later after Charlotte commits suicide, due largely to Murphy's pressure - because of course he would react like that to her death. Guess what, Finn acting decently (actually decently, not just on the surface) didn't last. We find out he was exploring woods by his own and found an old shelter, but he didn't tell anyone. Instead, he gives Clarke a pencil to impress her (right after she's told him about how Wells used to give her stuff when they were growing up, and that she didn't realize at the time that he was denying himself things to give them to her... hmmm). Later he reveals the shelter to Clarke when they need to hide Charlotte from Murphy and his gang. Clarke asks why he hasn't told anyone, and immediately thinks about how they could use things, but Finn tries to justify himself, saying that the food has all expired and there are no weapons, and besides, if he had told everyone, then they couldn't use the shelter now that they need it. So how does that work - he foresaw they would need to hide someone from the rest of the Delinquents?? Or he was just waiting for a chance to use that shelter to show it to Clarke and just Clarke, impress her and show her how good he is to her and how much she needs him? Am I being too harsh on Finn? He does some good things in this episode, like do his best to stop the crowd from hanging Murphy. But still... I never liked him much, my perspective on him is different now, after I have seen season 2 Finn with his "I killed all those people for you, Clarke!" thing, At the time I first watched this, I assumed that Finn was meant to be likable, but that the combination of bad writing and bad acting made him unlikable. I didn't know what it was about Finn that rubbed me the wrong way or that didn't resonate with me. But now I see more and more reasons to dislike him, and I think that his character is more consistent than I initially thought, but that he was never meant to be a really great guy, and that his romance with Clarke was just supposed to create drama and angst rather than be a great ship people would root for. (The whole thing with Raven really shows that.) Maybe I was too harsh on Thomas McDonell, though. He wasn't as good as some other cast members, but he's not that bad, now I have Tasya Teles' acting to compare it with. (I'm sure Tasya is a nice person, but she just can't act.) It's kind of funny that the climax of this episode is focused on Clarke and Bellamy being shocked at Charlotte's death in such a way that it seems like their child just died, and then arguing about leadership (it's already pretty clear that the two of them are those who decide on most things), as Finn just looks on. This may be the crucial moment where their co-leadership begins. Clarke argues "We don't decide who lives and who dies". It's so ironic that she will later during the show be expected and asked to decide just that, more than once. Meanwhile, on the Ark, we get to meet a couple of new characters - Kane's mother, a preacher, who'll be around for a couple of episodes, and Nigel, a woman at the Mecha station who runs a black market, and who, I think, won't ever appear again. But she gets Abby arrested by Kane, and also, through her, we get to learn more about Raven's backstory - that her mother was an alcoholic and that she used to prostitute herself to get stuff. Life on the Ark, especially those of lower classes, seems so freaking wonderful... The last few minutes of this episode initially annoyed me a lot, because it seemed like a return to the cheesy teen soapy bullcrap of the first couple of episodes. The love triangle was set up - Raven takes the pod by herself, since Abby can't go, and is arriving to Earth, while we get a confirmation that Finn is the boyfriend she wants to save - just as Finn and Clarke end up kissing and having sex for the first time. Now that I know and love how this triangle is eventually resolved, I don't hate this so much, but this scene is still really cheesy and feels like the classic TV insta-romance. And it's not just that, I also hated the scene where Octavia kisses Jasper, after praising his courage (for "standing up to a bully" -? I still have no idea what she was referring to, it's always confused me) and telling him that heroism gets rewarded. Ugh. And then Monty gives him a high-five. One of the things I hate the most in fictional romance is when romance/sex is portrayed as a reward that someone - usually a female - gives another person - usually a male, for performing heroic deeds. Gross. I'm so relieved, because of that, that the Jasper/Octavia ship went nowhere, even though I wasn't a big fan of how her romance with Lincoln was portrayed in S1, either.

[brishu]

Everybody’s Heart’s in the Same Fucking Place

My shift at the Park Slope Food Coop is usually the first Saturday of the month (A Week). I am the squad leader for the 8:30 PM Food Processing shift and, for the past 9 years, I have amassed a spotless record of showing up drunk. Sometimes I wonder if a non-shift encounter with any of my squadmates would make them think, “There’s something different about you right now.” Under my drunken helm, nobody’s cut themselves on a cheese slicer or box cutter or tape roll blade. And for the most part nobody’s emerged from the coop’s basement after two and a half hours getting bossed around by a booze-soaked contrarian nursing any grievous emotional injuries. Actually, more often than not, somebody doing a make-up or holding up their end of a shift swap enjoys their time so much that they try to join our squad. 

But this is the Park Slope Food Coop and the self-righteousness is as abundant as the kale. I am not the first grump to notice that some people base their most cherished beliefs on whose approval they gain. Why would you want to brutalize the planet to access natural gas when you can oppose it and feel like you’re marching right alongside Mark Ruffalo? Would you rather your foreign policy views align with the sneering, bomb-happy conservatism of Norman Podhoretz or the serene brilliance of Noam Chomsky? These are obtuse dichotomies, to be sure. So here’s a specific one: I am skeptical of the gun control movement. Less than 10 minutes of research can tell anybody who wants to know that more than 1 million AR-15s get sold each year. For those who might stagger in horror at a number that high, I’d ask you to take a moment and consider some other information that sales figure connotes. Personally, I’m extremely reluctant to demonize that many people I don’t know. Setting aside the implicit interpersonal dynamics lecture and moving from cursory research to wonkier statistics, we can learn that mass shootings account for less than 1% of gun deaths in a given year. In 2017, 39,773 people were killed by guns in America. 23,854 or 60% were suicides, and of the 14,542 or 37% that were homicides, 117 fatalities fit the legal definition of “mass shooting.” If this sounds like I’m trying to minimize the horror inspired by mass shootings in America, it’s because I am. Does this mean I side with gun owners over victims of these atrocities? No, it does not. It means I reject the notion that those are the two sides pitted against each other. And I will assert that fear of losing a loved one in a mass shooting is about as mathematically sound as treating a lottery ticket like a reliable path to wealth. But there’s actual likelihood, and then there’s media-spurred terror. So I’m not exactly raring to see a penstroke turn several million law-abiding citizens into criminals just because an incident I heard about in the news upset me.

Anyway, I only mention this because one time a young guy doing a make-up on my Food Processing shift started lecturing me about the correlation between Scandinavian rights to bear arms (according to him, they have none) and the number of gun-related deaths they suffer there. And yes alcohol was a factor but I got really pissed off at this guy. In retrospect, I should have been patient and respectful as he regurgitated his boilerplate arguments. But I guess I was too busy getting rankled by his presumption that only cretins unworthy of respect could harbor views as indifferent to human suffering as mine, instead of thinking, “Hmm, this guy seems pretty smart and he’s rocking a terrific playlist and everyone on his squad seems to like him a lot so maybe there’s more to his viewpoint than my kneejerk assumptions have led me to believe.” So I unleashed a bunch of other data and upbraided him for being so obtuse that he presumed my suspicions about anti-gun rhetoric amounted to my being a MAGA-head. The basement got tense and I apologized for making things awkward for everyone and changed subjects to talk about movies (whereupon our anti-gun crusading dried mango bagger announced that he was boycotting Miramax’s ouevre. Good for him.). 

For years, our shift occurred the night before the Superbowl and the night before the Oscars and we worked hard to stock the shelves upstairs with enough cheeses, olives, nuts, dried fruits, teas and spices to sate the frenzied consumption that is de rigueur on these particular Sundays. Eventually, A-Week Saturday rotated away and it was up to some other squad to work like Santa’s unpaid elves to meet the demands on Pepper Jack and Brie. But somehow our shift remains on the one Saturday night when I refuse to exert myself (or get shitfaced): Marathon Eve. 

So last year I swapped shifts with someone who liked our squad so much that she joined. My policy is that as long as you show up with some regularity, you’re welcomed warmly on our shift. We care about each other’s families and careers, opinions on matters political and artistic, and general well-being. This is less some sort of management strategy enacted to optimize productivity than a simple extension of the good will I feel toward nearly all people and certainly all Food Processors (even the Pulp Fiction boycotter who pronounces Weinstein incorrectly). Now. At our shift in August, the subject of the coop’s long, tortured debate on carrying Israeli products came up. I love this subject, even though I disagree with almost every other view anybody has on it. I don’t agree with ardent supporters of Boycott, Divestments and Sanctions, and I certainly don’t agree with the ultra-orthodox Jews who consider all criticism of Israel tantamount to Naziism.

My first exposure to this debate was at a General Meeting in the summer of 2012. The meeting was held in the ballroom of Congregation Beth Elohim, of which we are members. People I expected to shoot down anything anti-Israel (because they looked like elderly Jews) stood up passionately decrying coop complicity in Israeli policies they already unwillingly supported by paying taxes. And then some younger people with tattoos and gender fluidity vibes stood up in defense of selling Israeli products. The debate was passionate but civil. I found all arguments convincing and simply loved being in a room among people who cared so deeply about doing the right thing. Ultimately the boycotters advanced their initiative one more rung along the coop’s bureaucracy, and the next General Meeting would include a vote on whether to have a coop-wide referendum to BDS or not to BDS. 

This meeting got so much publicity that the coop needed to rent a larger space, so 1,600 or 10% of all Park Slope Food Coop members filed into the auditorium at Brooklyn Tech. BDS advocates who were not coop members stood outside leafleting attendees, while school buses ferried several minyanim of ultra-orthodox Jews. Unlike this meeting’s predecessor, the tone was not civil and the arguments were not convincing. They were hystrionic pleas that transparently appealed to each speaker’s own moral vanity. Lost in the debate was any consideration for practical details like how much it would cost to stage a coop-wide referendum, or have the BDSers found alternative, morally acceptable sources for vegan marshmallows? And meanwhile, it became very clear, very quickly that the measure to hold a referendum was going to get voted down. So the series of speakers dabbling in petty-demagoguery was a depressing waste of time. 

Two months later, at a meeting I did not attend, the issue came up again, and aroused such anger that a physical altercation occurred. After that, the subject was banned from future General Meetings. While appreciating the moral passion on all sides, my personal view was that people who wanted to boycott should, but they had to acknowledge that other coop members wanted to buy these supposedly blood-soaked products and depriving them of that right felt like some kind of tyranny too. 

Anyway, the tortured history of the debate comes up every now and then and I always love hearing what other people think, and also amplifying my own view that the passions that made the debate inflammatory are part of what makes the coop so special to me. So during our August shift, the woman who had swapped with me on the first Saturday of November, 2018, said with no compunction whatsoever that Israel was guilty of genocide. And despite my inebriation (that night I had done most of my drinking at a dear friend’s surprise 60th birthday party), I was able to express disagreement with this term, and assurance that, whereas many people would hear that and go through a series of internal reactions that would result in antipathy toward the issuer of such a serious charge, I understood that her beliefs were motivated by a desire to do the right thing, whatever that may be. Now she may have thought that I was just another Jew defending the indefensible. And I may have thought she was just another self-righteous ignoramus who prizes wokeness over common sense. But speaking for myself, nobody’s just another anything. In my consumption of online commentary, I see a lot of “[that] tells you all you need to know about her.” And it amazes me that this is an acceptable way to rest your personal case against a person who is always more complex, and usually well-meaning, than you presume when you decide that one view, or one errant phrase is a full representation of another person’s soul. That the practice of basing a holistic view of another person on one political position is so blithely unexamined suggests to me that anxieties underlying our need to close our minds are the real problem. 

I got annoyed with my fellow squad member. In truth I’m still kind of annoyed, both with her, and with the consortium of opinion that sent her forth believing that accusing Israel of genocide is the right thing to do. And it would be more comfortable for me to let my annoyance snowball into full-blown contempt (spurred at some level by the same anxieties which lead to over-eager mind-closing), to tie her incorrect view of my people’s national homeland to the neuroses her parenting has visited on her daughter, even to her insufficient appreciation of my marathon running, all of which are trumped up charges to be sure. Plenty of people would do exactly this, with no real consequence. They’d condemn this person because her version of doing the right thing is in opposition to theirs. Where is the conscience that holds condemnation at bay? 

Either way, while I feel alright about being able to see the light in this person despite my ethyl-clouded mindframe augmenting the shadows cast by her risible political views, I still struggle to find the balance between advancing views I know to be correct with being more of a conduit than a catalyst. And it also feels unfair that I agonize over this stuff only to see significantly less introspective people exert greater influence. But none of that will stop me from getting rip-roaring drunk before my next coop shift.

[just-pig]

Super Seventeen || Chapter Four

word count: [1942]

featuring: [some meanie]

published: [august 25, 2017]

i’ve been so ignorant of this fic recently :”) you guys are more than welcome to yell at me to update lmao

That evening, Wonwoo could hardly sleep.

Not because there was a lot on his mind (although he definitely was thinking at about a million thoughts per minute), but because he had been researching the glyphs decorating the NCT arrow that Jisoo had trusted him with for the night.

He had this feeling that he should know about them. At the same time, he had no idea why he should even have a clue about what they are.

He started his frenzy with random google searches: wooden symbols, arrow decorations, symbolic arrows, etc., hoping to find something useful. (He didn’t, but along the way he obtained the fact that people used arrows way too often for tattoos).

It wasn’t until his phone lit up with a notification that Wonwoo realized he’d been sitting in front of his computer, left hand death-gripping the wooden shaft of the arrow, right hand fiddling with the trackpad for at least an hour and a half. Exhausted, his eyes did an automatic scan of who the sender was.

gyu > wonwoo hyung!!!!! > jisoo hyung wanted me to transfr some info for u

me > you’re w/ jisoo hyung right now?

gyu > we went to the coffee shopp togther after we left hq > and then i wennt to his house bc i accidentally spilt coffee on him > oops

me > … > what does jisoo hyung want

gyu > idk > he said something about herogliphs??? > and the arrow that u guys showed me > ??? im hoping u understnd him

Wonwoo’s eyes immediately flitted towards the arrow. Hieroglyphs…. Of course!

me > they’re called hieroglyphs

gyu > so you do understand!!! > okok my job is odne > gn hyung!!!!! sleep well :D

me > gn

Wonwoo now understood why the symbols had seemed so familiar. Hieroglyphs. He hadn’t delved very deep into the subject before - as he was more into science and math as opposed to ancient culture and mythology - but he had definitely stumbled upon the term more than once. He didn’t know much, but what he was aware of that it seemed to be an Ancient Egyptian form of communication. Similar to Korean, it used symbols and characters for certain sounds.

He frowned. But why would NCT deal with Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs? And did they actually take the time to learn the meaning behind the symbols, or were they completely bluffing? (Knowing NCT, they were definitely the kind of people who could pull that off).

Wonwoo sighed. Glancing over at his clock, he was greeted by the numbers 12:32 in big, red block lettering. Reflecting on the fact that he had school the next day, he decided to call it a night.

~~~

As a temporary replacement for their blown-up building, the entire school had transferred to a different school’s building. It was a newer school that had just opened a few weeks ago so no one was really there yet, letting Wonwoo’s school have plenty of space to conduct their classes.

“Has anyone heard of the Ancient Egyptian communication technique referred to as hieroglyphs?”

Up until this point in his history class, Wonwoo hadn’t really paid attention to what his teacher had been saying. But that sentence definitely caught his attention. Immediately sitting up straight, he raised his hand, and was surprised to find that only a handful of the students in the classroom were doing the same. This is an Advanced Placement class, for goodness sake. How can you have not heard about hieroglyphs?

“Interesting. Well, hieroglyphs are essentially the Ancient Egyptian language, expressed in symbols.” The teacher stuck a picture of an bird on the board. “Much like our Korean culture, each symbol represents a sound. This hieroglyph, for example, produces the sound of ‘a’.” She continued sticking up pictures. “Keep adding more hieroglyphs, and you get a word. The word I’ve spelled out is arbitrary, an English word for random.”

There were some sniggers upon hearing the definition of the chosen word. Wonwoo, on the other hand, found this all somewhat intriguing - he would have to look into the topic later on.

“There are a few hieroglyphs that are just words. You don’t need to combine smaller fragments.” Posting another picture, she said, “This is the word ankh -” She wrote this on the board in English letters for better understanding “- and it’s commonly perceived as the Ancient Egyptian symbol for life.”

Wonwoo’s eyes hyperfocused. That symbol...  wasn’t it one of the hieroglyphs decorating the arrow?

He had brought the arrow with him to school today (he wasn’t sure if that was the best idea, considering it was a pretty lethal weapon), and his hand itched to reach into his bag and pull it out. But pulling out an arrow in the middle of class was not the best choice.

The symbol for life. Wonwoo never thought that NCT could be this deep. He’d have to tell Jisoo later.

~~~ (why are the page breaks happening so often this is such a pet peeve of mine loiwendlks)

Lunch. One of Jeonghan’s favourite times of the day. Apart from sleeping, of course. Sleeping is always a priority.

Sitting at their usual table, chatting with his friend Taehyung, Jeonghan was surprised to see Wonwoo beelining for their table out of the corner of his eye. As he got closer, he realized that Wonwoo seemed to be headed for Jisoo. Not his problem then. He continued talking with Taehyung.

He didn’t think it would be anything too concerning. He certainly hoped it wasn’t. If there was something that Jeonghan hated the most, it would be having to deal with his superhero persona during school hours. He wasn’t quite sure why - it just bothered him, having to mix his secret identity with his social life while maintaining equal balance on both sides.

So it definitely irked him when he noticed Jisoo walk hurriedly out of the lunchroom with Wonwoo. What happened this time?

He glanced over at Seungcheol, who hadn’t seemed to notice. Slightly panicking now, Jeonghan nearly dropped his sandwich (Taehyung snickered at this, earning a glare from Jeonghan).  

“Can you…” Jeonghan hesitated, unsure of how to propose a proper statement for a quick departure. “Um… hold on. I need to go to the washroom.”

“Now? You just -”

“I drank a lot of water, okay? Fluids.” With a final cheesy thumbs-up, Jeonghan quickly slipped out of the cafeteria, at the same time muttering to himself, ‘Fluids? What the hell was I thinking?’

He also hadn’t planned this out very well in his head because when he finally was aware of where he was he glanced around to find no sign of Jisoo or Wonwoo. The hallway also went both ways horizontally, taking a turn in different directions at the end of the corridor, leaving Jeonghan incredibly stressed - should he turn the wrong way, he would be heading in exactly the opposite direction that his friends had gone.

He supposed he could’ve just gone to the washroom and went back into the cafeteria, but he didn’t bluff his way through Taehyung’s suspicions for nothing. Jeonghan was going to find his friends. He just had to hope that they didn’t leave for the stupidest purpose.

Or maybe…

Jeonghan shuddered. This would be one of the stupidest ideas he ever made.

As superheroes, identity was a crucial thing. To this day, Jeonghan remembered the chills that ran down his spine when Pledis was laying down the regulations: Number one - Keep your identity a secret, no matter what. (Being the rebel he was, Jeonghan had then chosen his given name as his alias - in the process, dragging Wonwoo, Mingyu and Seungkwan with him. Pledis would’ve forced them to change but by then they’d already signed the contract, so they couldn’t exactly do anything).

So at one point, they had wondered what would happen if they used their powers in everyday life - subtly, of course.

After experimentation, they discovered that their powers were only at full boost if they had their suits on. Appearing as a normal civilian, Wonwoo had estimated that their powers were only an eighth of their full capability - roughly enough to not look completely insane.

Smiling slightly to himself, Jeonghan inspected his hands before dodging into a secluded corner by the lockers in the hallway, followed by a brilliant ribbon of light hovering around his hands as he was rewarded with a device falling in his hands - an LG G5 [a/n: there are so many kpop idols promoting this I had to].

He frowned at this. His mind had imagined a rose-gold iPhone 6 and he was surprised of the result, although he assumed this was what he got for using his powers when he wasn’t supposed to. Whatever, it would do.

All he really needed to do was track the location of his friends. He could’ve done it with his own phone, but that wouldn’t be fun, would it?

In other words, Jeonghan was already planning an elaborate hidden camera in his head.

He apparently was not aware of how bad of an idea that would be.

~~~

“Well you fucked up.”

“I didn’t mean to knock him unconscious! What did you expect me to do? First he sends us creepy messages from an unknown number and then tells us to turn around! Wonwoo and I just did what we thought was the best plan for self-defense!”

Blinking to adjust his eyes to the blinding light, Jeonghan realized that he was in the school nursery, and surrounded by half of the team.

“HE’S AWAKE! Oh thank God,” Jisoo said. Turning to Jeonghan, voice slightly guilty, he added, “I’m sorry about… um… punching you, although truthfully you pretty much asked for it considering what you did.”

Jeonghan hesitated as he tried to remember what had happened up until that point. The hidden camera… and then making Wonwoo and Jisoo turn around, only to be greeted by Jisoo’s fist. He guessed that explained the subtle ache in his nose. “Oh. Sorry about that,” he chuckled.

Wonwoo awkwardly stepped in. “Oh, and one more thing before I head to class - can you… not mention this to Seungcheol hyung? He’d kill us otherwise.”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow. “I guess. Although if he asks about any bruises, you guys are the ones coming up with a solution.”

Jisoo scoffed. “We already had to when we brought you here.”

“Okay, bye hyung!” Wonwoo then departed with Jihoon, Soonyoung and Jun, leaving Jisoo and Jeonghan alone (Jisoo had study period currently, so he wasn’t particularly worried about going anywhere).

“Why’d you follow us anyway?” Jisoo asked. “Wonwoo and I purposely went all the way to the far boot room just in case someone would find us.”

Jeonghan shrugged. “When Wonwoo came to get you, he seemed so nervous, so I just assumed something was up. Seungcheol didn’t notice so I went - keep in mind, after rudely  dismissing Taehyung.”

Jisoo grinned. “Sorry about that, then. Wonwoo was only nervous about being discovered by anyone else but overall there’s good news - he deciphered one of the hieroglyphs on the arrow.”

Jeonghan frowned. “Hieroglyphs? Were those the symbols on the arrow?”

Jisoo nodded. “And one of them is the symbol for life. Considering how out of place it is from the other ones, Wonwoo’s guess is that it’s some kind of watermark, whereas the other hieroglyphs are some kind of message. We’re going to have to have a session just to figure out what the message is though.”

Knitting his eyebrows, Jeonghan said, “You guys have to be careful, okay? I don’t know much about Ancient Egyptian mythology, but I do know that hieroglyphs are commonly used for spells and whatnot, so just… be wary.”

Jisoo smiled. “Of course.”

[earth-born]

How my ED came to be

This title is funny because it is almost as if I am talking about a human coming to life. I know some therapists will humanize eating disorders as a part of disassociating oneself from the disordered behaviours, but I don’t do that with myself (at least not intentionally). 

I think someone may say that I feel the eating disorder is just another part of me because I have not learnt to see it for what it is - and you might be right. 

In my defense I can say that I strongly believe my eating disorder is just another self-destructive behaviour in a long list of self-destructive behaviours I had during my life (and maybe the one that will end up doing the most damage long-term).

So, I do think it’s just part of me. Just another manifestation of whatever stupid subconscious suffering keeps invading my conscious life every now and then.

                                               ---------

Now, onto the “story”. 

In May 2015 I went to visit my family in Europe (I moved to Canada on my own when I was 18). I have never been skinny, but when I came back in early June I felt I had gain some extra weight on top of being already full figured. 

I made up my mind that I wanted to be healthy and fit and stop eating too much bad quality food as well as too much in general. My boyfriend at the time who knew a lot more about nutrition than me suggested a variety of books on healthier ways of eating; I read those and a few I found on my own.

So I changed my diet, and it was then somewhat similar to paleo/primal. After only a month, I started distorting everything - I cut out more and more carbs from my diet, avoided sweets and started logging everything I ate.

It got obsessive very quickly. By September, I was counting every calorie and measuring everything, weighing all my meals with a kitchen scale, and restricting to a certain calorie limit. I would weigh myself almost every day. I would think about food all the time and I started being terrified of social situations involving food. 

I lost my period in August. By November I had lost 20lbs. I hit my lowest weight of 143lbs in late March of 2016 (30lbs lower than my regular weight I weighed as long as I can remember).

The loss was steady at first, but became erratic soon enough because I started binging regularly. At first it was once a month, then twice, then once a week. When it became impossible for me to control my binges whatsoever I went to therapy - I felt helpless and I felt miserable and I was gaining weight from the binges only to fall back into restricting, but not enough to get back into losing weight. 

I will write about therapy separately because I think it deserves its own discussion. I guess I was eventually considered recovered because I gained all my weight back and I got my period back during the summer of 2016. I stopped going to therapy in September. My binges never stopped throughout this period and I reached my highest weight ever at 185lbs at some point during the summer.

In October (2016) I started controlling myself more. I only started slightly restricting again in late November 2016, but I went to visit my family again in December, and again I relived the same experience of gaining extra weight during the trip.

When I came back in January 2017 I weighed around 175lbs - my usual life-old weight. I relapsed into heavy restriction almost instantly when I was back, with occasional binges. This time, there was an extra motivation that sucked me back into full-blown ED - another topic I will write about separately.

We are now in March 2017 and I am experiencing the longest period of restriction so far. For almost 3 weeks, I have not binged or eaten a normal meal once. As of today I weight about 150lbs. 

There are so many things that go through my mind when I write the “end of the story” up to today, but I don’t want to touch on too many things in one post.

I just wanted to give an overview of what my ED has looked like from beginning to now, which is really not the end, but rather “during”.

This post was a little more uncomfortable to write than the first one, but I think I need to continue writing about this and maybe it will take me somewhere. 

So yeah, this is post #2. I will write again soon! Hugs to any readers.