#i had like 10% of this written down aksjdflkajsdkfaj and just finished it now

[yoakkemae]

tenfoldrage:

The Doctor frowns at their old companion, the fresh pain of loss searing their hearts. They know that they have to drop her off, now, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. In the past 12 hours or so, the Doctor was forced to give a tissue sample which then became their kid who they grew attached to, only for her be shot dead while trying to protect them. This was why they'd tried to hold her at arm's length, why they didn't want to accept her as their child— just like their late children and grandchildren, Jenny has left a hole in their hearts that nothing can ever fill. "Yeah," they speak quietly as they lean back against one of the coral-like pillars and stare off into space, in a daze. Beneath the surface, rage bubbles and froths through them like an angry river bursting the banks, threatening to flood anything and everything in its path... the only thing holding it back is the even heavier feeling of sorrow, of loss and of grief. Despite turbulent emotions, they feel flat, without substance. Numb. After a moment, the Doctor's gaze finally meets with Martha's and their eyes tell the story of what they feel inside, even though they try to mask it. Still, the offer she's given them is appreciated, even if they're temporarily incapable of showing that appreciation. "...I'll be sure to take you up on that, Martha Jones. One of these days."

in the excitement of going to a new planet and to a new time , martha had almost forgot the bad that always came with the good from travelling with the doctor. almost being the key word ( there's no part of her , no centimetre of her that could forget about the year , but even martha has to recognise that had been a ... drastic sort of bad ). but even this had been ... worse than usual , less of a balance. maybe , just maybe , the society between the human and the haath will be able to peacefully coexist now , but ...

the doctor has always been alone from the very moment she met them. she still remembers their face when they spoke of gallifrey , of the world , the culture , and the people they've lost. martha remembers the tears , sobs , pleas leaving their lips as they cradled the master's body , so similar to the way they cradled jenny's body just recently. always losing people , the doctor.

there's a part of her that grimaces when she sees that loss in their eyes , just as there is a part of her that softens. she knows , more than most , just how to read them , to really see them. and she can see the rage and the grief pressing them down until there's nothing left. there's an uptick of her lips at their response , too sad to be called a smile but she makes a good try of it anyway. ' try your best to have that be soon , ' she says matter-of-fact because she knows they wouldn't be able to deal with anything they might perceive to be pity. she holds open her arms in just an offer , no expectation on her face on way or the other. if they want the illusion that this is a hug goodbye , she won't take that away.