#i hardly think steph is good at it but!! this is more about the therapy portion | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mvillamemoirs · 2 years

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sept 2020 unloading continued.

Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

-Danny brought me food and coffee this morning. My head is pounding like crazy- very hungover darnit. Went to work, i believe I was still somewhat drunk. It’s Dr Hoffman’s birthday, saw myself crash with energy towards the end. Headache grew more intense, Dr McMurray doesn’t want me to go home. So envious of steph that she has that luxury to call out, i should’ve too as I was completely irresponsible.

-Tried to do deliveries with steph, just tired overall. As we got to downtown san jose, i’m so tired of seeing druggies and homeless folks. I pity them, but I just feel stuck being left alone, and looked at like a target.

-So ready to go home and sleep. I think I may reschedule my therapy appointment tomorrow since i feel symptoms of being burned out.

Tuesday, September 29th, 2020

-Test is today, I have 2 hours. I should unwind and review my study sheet for it. I don’t feel as confident, but trying to minimize my anxiety. Sucks that it’s been so long with school that I don’t have an effective method of studying down. Ugh, update- that test started to irritate me once it got to the lab part. I don’t think 3.5 hours of testing back to back is effective. I just feel stressed that we’re getting tested with realistic images versus how lecture and lab meetings normally went through the book. I just have to let it go.

-Work was good for the duration of the shift. It always goes by fast, but I was still dwelling over my test. My irritation seems pretty high today.

-Went home, relieved I didn’t have any homework due this week for anatomy, went to go hang out with steph as she did deliveries. We ended up drinking a 4loko for old sakes, talked about jerome, danny, and everything overall. I’m so happy that it’s working out with her and Jerome despite mine and his history. It seems like a perfect fit and I’m happy for her!

-She came back to my house, we finished the wine bottle that’s been chillin in my fridge since July. Felt like everything was spinning by bedtime. Danny is at work, and it made me just miss him. The most cigarettes i’ve smoked in a while!!

Monday, September 28th, 2020

-Very productive at work. Towards the end, I kept thinking I should've called out since I have a test tomorrow. I feel very super anxious about it. Oh, Anatomy.

-Energy pretty darn on point and feeling very motivated that I’m understanding material.

-Wondering if i’ll be enough for Danny with our existing conflicting work schedules, schoolwork, and now even more school with NHI starting soon. I just have to remind myself to go with the flow, focus on my priorities.

Sunday, September 27th, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys house. I feel uneasy. Had 2 mimosas before coming into Lokahi. Mom was giving me crap for not vacuuming after my dog. Responsibilities that I suppose I’ve been neglecting.

-Remembered it was Awet’s birthday, i miss hanging out!!

Saturday, September 26th, 2020

-I can totally see me and Danny living with each other. Things went smooth today. Had him over in the morning, made breakfast at my house, and changed his oil. Nala really loves him.

-Study bug bit me deep. Eustress. Studied a lot today, and am really enjoying having today off to get time to myself.

-I find myself falling for Danny more. I’m seeing a pattern where I'm relying on him a lot again, and I hate that feeling. I also find myself questioning, do I really have feelings for him or if I’m just settling. He hardly tells me how he feels, I don’t know what to expect, and don’t like to feel vulnerable and have my guard down for anyone. I don’t know how serious he is about me, I want to know, but am okay with not knowing.

-More cars on the road, traffic blows.

-Thinking about how much i have on my plate- school, work, court thing.

Friday, September 25th, 2020

-Super excited at work, energy is high and so is productivity. Making efforts to plan out studying over this weekend as I do have an anatomy course. Also thinking about if I’m enough for Danny if whatever this is will proceed moving forward.

-Had anxiety about making dinner, went with him to help a friend fix her tire. It’s interesting that he has many friends that are females, but again, I have to remind myself not to push things and just let it go. Ate pizza with him, slept at his house.

-Random thoughts of the day is that I’m seeing less of steph, I should be branching out my social circle, too, but i feel like school is taking over.

Thursday, September 24th, 2020

-Woke up from Danny’s house. He’s so handsome. I like cuddling with him. Not sure if it’s my period, but I feel strong feelings towards him and feel like I don’t get the same in return as much. I start to feel insecure like he’s doing something else suspicious, but know it’s just me. He’s busy and I respect his grind, it just motivates me to do the same with the time I have, and go from there.

-Went home and tried to knock a lot of chores before class started. I vacuumed, did a load of laundry, changed the bed sheets, made breakfast and swept the floors. Also brushed Nala to bond with her and deshed her since her fall coat is coming in.

-Looking over the past few days, not smoking an entire cigarette in one sitting is helping me to wean off of them. I fell off and started to smoke in my car again, as well as in my backyard. My midback has been feeling sore a lot. The adjustment helped yesterday, but I really think it’s my poor desk set up with online school work and at work.

-Went to work, did a lot of cleaning up, not so much production with getting notes for a patient out. Luckily patient time ended early today.

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

-Work has been bothering me all day today. I think it’s my boss’ misdirection or frazzled mentality this morning and Milenna’s attitude. I do see a difference when my boss doesn’t make time to complete his reports, and messes with the schedule and patient flow.

-Came home for lunch by habit and caught up with Meilani. It was nice to see what’s going on with her. Shared the idea of moving in with Danny, she’s looking at bigger apartments with Dru, and she pops the question of me filling mom in on the idea. Told her not yet, because this is just step one- just browsing, but did make me realize how I should go on about it when it comes to telling my Mom about it.

-Came home, read for my psych class, getting caught up but need more time to myself to read and study for both psych, and mainly Anatomy.

-Hung out with Danny and his cousin at night time, felt like I shouldn’t because of my schoolwork, but I did miss spending time with him so why not. Hanging out with Danny just made me realize I’m getting dependent on him to be around. I don’t like having that type of mentality, even though it feels good to feel wanted. Like what are we? I’d like to know where this is going, but again I’m just going with the flow and don’t want to put myself through any more things that I’m already invested in. ALSO, if I’m struggling with things now, it’s only going to get crazier when massage classes start.

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020

-I feel like the busiest of all bees. I was very productive this morning. Walked Nala, took her to her post spay check up, had class, and went to work. Luckily my energy was up there, and I kept the ball rolling with catching up on reading and class work. Coming home from work just made me realize that this Anatomy class is a ton of work with 5-6 assignments due twice a week.. . .and this is just one class!

-Started to look at apartments, yesterday morning just made me realize how things are getting close to pre-covid times- ie traffic. I don’t like traffic at all, like where all these cars and crazy drivers come from as Santa Clara County isn’t full on open yet. It was nice having a ghost town while it lasted.

-Zarinah hit me up saying to visit her out in Philly for Halloween. I’m tempted, but don’t want to fall off from my schoolwork, travel with COVID still occurring, and spend money when I have other priorities to pay off.

Monday, September 21st, 2020

-I don’t like how coworkers bring their outside funk into the office- or just in general. It’s not preferable for me to dumb down my energy or be around weighed-down vibes when I’m not vibrating ar that level. I feel like that’s something that should be checked out at the door and be placed privately. Misery really loves company I guess.

-Work went really well, vibes were high in the back office, I really have no complaints at this rate.

Sunday, September 20th, 2020

-Super excited for Danny to get back to town, bummed I still have to work until 3pm, and he works graveyard. I like this slow pace that we’re in. It’s like we’re re-kindling the flame at a slower, cautious pace. I just hope if we were to move forward again, that we’re enough for each other despite our conflict of work schedule.

Saturday, September 19th, 2020

-I felt like today went really fast-paced. I felt like I was constantly on the go, with something to do right after the other. I had work at Lokahi, came home to get dressed and come back to my weekday job to get things done and Staples to pick up things. Energy was pretty high up there and didn’t mind making up hours missed during the weekday due to school work.

-Afterwards, I completely forgot about Kristine’s party at Raymond’s house to celebrate her getting her Masters. Super excited for her journey, as well as second-guessing my educational route. Had drinks with everyone, including steph and my sister. Overall fun playing beer pong, corn hole, and wished Danny was still there.

-I like how open me and Steph were becoming talking about Jerome and Danny.

-I feel like I am in dire need of sleep and rest and strictly me time.

Friday, September 18th, 2020

-I feel very motivated to get things done today. I liked how I was able to go at my pace with school work and work duties. Very free-flowing and getting creative with how to train these 2 people at work.

-After work I got home and just chilled. It made me realize how used to Danny’s presence I’m getting accustomed to. I feel at ease with him.

Thursday, September 17th, 2020

-Dropped Danny off to the airport to go to Oregon, wish I was going. I wish he planned it ahead of time so I can go with him.

Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

-Very productive at work. Got a lot of work done.

-Dropped food over at danny's work. I feel conflicted with everything, but don’t want to look too deep into what me and him are, nor even think I’m ready to add that to my plate.

-Talked with my Attorney about the whole getting arrested thing. It eased my mind the options he gave me. I see my anxiety levels greatly minimizing. Keeping positive thoughts overall.

-I’m making progress with limiting cravings of smoking cigarettes.

Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

-Woke up at dannys, came home, did online class, then went to go have brunch with Danny. Had a swirl and somalian food. It was such a bust that I didn’t get Bill's cafe or Hash house because they closed less than an hour from when my class ended- but it was a good celebration overall. Napped before he went to work, only to come home and nap some more until people came over.

-It was nice having a small get together with family and a couple friends. It was cute how my mom wanted to cook, simply because I didn’t know where/what to eat. It was a good celebration overall, wish Danny was there, wished my other friends came through, but again, mom is worried about covid, etc, etc.

-it sometimes tired me living in this house. I want my freedom, it’s a tease how Danny wants to move in together, I feel scattered.

-It feels weird being in the spotlight. I don’t like it. I remember even feeling uneasy over the weekend about what to do. I don’t think I’m a planner type, it feels pressuring. I felt okay being by myself but happy how this turned out.

-I liked how I finally got to talk with michelle while I was doing anatomy homework and quizzes-histology is so hard!! I feel flustered. I miss seeing friends and family in hawaii. I feel drained with the same routine here in california, I miss traveling.

Monday, September 14th, 2020

-I didn’t feel as down in the dumps today as I did the previous night. I had the go with the flow attitude, and it’s probably the caffeine from the cup of coffee I made this morning, but I think reminding myself that I can’t control everything helps me live in the moment, with who and what is in front of me. At work I felt very productive because I had things to get taken care of.

-I was very surprised Danny finally came in for treatment, and how nice my coworkers and boss interacted with him. I was also taken back by how cute my coworkers were with getting me a cake and a sweet card with heart felt messages. I liked how it was easy to train the successor with notes, and direct her with learning our systems. I feel super loved today.

-went to get chicken wings at wicked chicken with danny. Craving satisfied! Finished watching Zohan and knocked out.

Sunday, September 13th, 2020

-Woke up, had brunch with Danny at Bills cafe. It was nice hanging out with him before he had to go work. Sometimes I wish that he didn’t have to work the graveyard shift, but I also look at it as a good thing because space can sometimes be good. I have the rest of the night to cater the rest of my evening to my school work and try to get ahead.

-I couldn't help but have feelings of sadness and isolation. I kept getting asked what I’m going to be doing for my birthday, but I’ve grown so accustomed to living in the moment and not planning ahead. I think because of this habit, I tend to feel like I’m constantly on the go, everything is moving, sometimes faster than I’d like, and maybe these down in the dumps feelings are signs that I need to slow down(?). I kept thinking that I want to spend my birthday alone, or that it’s not significant, but I’m trying to stray away from those dark thoughts and appreciate that a lot of family members and close friends that are asking me, want to spend time with me.

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys place feeling anxious about my birthday coming up, my relationship with Danny, finances, schoolwork, and the thought of serving jail time. I also feel physically drained and in dire need of a massage. Reminded myself that it’s okay with not knowing all of the answers to those things, and to focus on the NOW.

-Walked Nala for a bit once I got home. Made breakfast, and started some schoolwork.

-the thought about being unwanted in my relationship with Danny heightened the disturbed feeling of not being wanted by my Dad. I feel like I resent my dad less, and again accepting the divorce and not taking responsibility for it because I wasn’t involved. My dad’s abandonment is a reflection of his character, not mine.

-Got to spend time with danny again, kept it mellow and just stayed in because COVID. We went on a drive to woodside on the windy road, had pizza, talked about the downfall of our relationship-it is what it is. We both admitted that we were wrong, just thinking about taking it easy moving forward. I dont want to feel pressured about anything with him, I can’t even think of being in a relationship right now, I just want to chill overall with everything going.

Friday, September 11th, 2020

-Work went really good today. Knocked out 3 major medical records I needed to send out. I just didn’t do it electronically. They’ll contact me if they need it or so. Energy was really high up there today. I Talked with the patients on a deeper level, I love making connections like that, on top of my duties to serve them. It makes my work environment steady going and lively, and adds consistent meaning and purpose when I’m on the clock.

-Got home and checked on my dog. She’s doing better. I’m thankful for my sister to aid in keeping tabs on my dog. I see that Nala is slowly getting her energy back up there. She looked so exhausted when I got home. I just fed her and gave her her medication.

-Hung out with Danny and got Somalia food. It was so good! I like how he wants to try something new, and it didn’t disappoint. Sambusas were really good and the wrap was very savory. It was filled with vegetables that I wasn’t used to eating and I am so down to go back. I was telling him I was itching to go out and get into the social scene because COVID and these fires were driving me crazy. Chances of us going out were based on the NBA game where Toronto lost to Boston so we ended up not going out, but rather watched netflix at his place. I ended up sleeping over his place-it was nice cuddling with him, and getting a break from staying home. I ended up not drinking and was okay with it.

Thursday, September 10th, 2020

-Class went really well today. I��m lucky to have an understanding boss that lets me get my schoolwork done.

-Went into work for a few hours to get caught up with medical records, other billing issues, and organizing work space and clearing out tasks. Have to remind myself to work on my how-to duties, TIRP, ordering.

-Hung out with Danny after work. Had jalapeno tamales-they’re interesting. Ended up getting a quesadilla at the taco truck down the street from his house- which was good! He came over for a bit, too, and I feel weird not being able to relax in my home when my company is there. Again, I don’t feel like it’s my home. Nala missed him, I ended up not sleeping over his house but coming back home because I felt like Nala’s surgery was still getting to her. I’m uncomfortable when my dog’s uncomfortable and I’m away from her.

-Practiced the thought process when having the urge to smoke cigarettes. I have 5 days until my birthday and I need to make a better effort of minimizing intake versus going cold turkey. I saw that practicing the thought process when that urge comes up helped on the ride home today.

Wednesday September 9th, 2020

-I feel worrisome for my dog. Luckily my sister is checking in on her while I’m at work. I don’t like seeing my dog in pain-or anyone for that matter.

-Work went really well, I’m noticing I’m keeping the ball rolling with my energy being up there, as well as productivity with notes, avoiding clashes with other staff members, separating my personal life, but glad everyone finally knows I’m doing therapy. Caught up with Blanca seeing if she’s able to cover for me on Thursday mornings, but she accepted another job elsewhere. I’m happy for her that she keeps pushing through. I’m glad her house is still standing with the whole fires happening. I’m glad her family is safe and healthy. Her Son, Valen, is growing up too quickly and he’s so handsome! I do have baby fever, but I have other things I want to do.

-I feel like I’m finally getting the grasp of my classes and managing all tools to complete assignments on different platforms. I feel focused and in control.

-It’s discouraging having a drive with my education and career goals with the court stuff simmering on a back burner.

-Chatted with Meilani for a bit and my mom chimes in about my dog bite. I’ve grown to realize that my mom is the kind of person who talks to put her 2 cents in, but doesn’t grasp what other people are saying. Like she’s not an active listener with communication, and I think that’s where it gets to me. I have to practice taking my time with how I respond because I ended up lashing out on her that I am getting things done and taken care of. She frustrates me sometimes, and I hate having to hold in my tongue.

Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

-Today is the big day getting my dog spayed. I cried a bit after dropping her off to the clinic. I just want her to be comfortable, but she looked so scared and sad when I had to walk away.

-I went to my ortho appointment afterwards and was just thinking about this court thing and how it’s going to play out. I finally wrote down questions to ask my attorney when I talk to him next week.

**SHARED THIS IN THERAPY TODAY**

Dear Dad,

Hope you are well.

I’m pissed with how you treat my mom. Bully her with the divorce, claiming half of her belongings. She earned her wealth herself over the years and you’ve really shown how greedy of a person you are. You cheated on her when she was on her worst when grandpa passed away, and its rumored that you have another child with your old high school sweetheart. I’m set to believe that you failed at being a husband and wedded partner.

I’m upset that despite whatever happened with you and mom, you placed us in a hidden category where you just cut us off when your kids had nothing to do with your marriage’s downfall and the divorce. Both of my sisters disclaim you based on the issue with Mom, but I didn’t because that wasn’t your role to me. You’re supposed to be a father. It takes more to become a father, and providing sperm doesn’t automatically grant you the respect that a father role comes with. You were doing so good until 2014, and that’s when everything started to spiral down.

I feel like you use people to your advantage, at times when it’s only beneficial to you. That’s not right. It wasn’t until when your dad passed away, where you felt the same remorse of losing a father just like mom did with hers in 2012. I think you started to lose it then, didn’t communicate with us or attempted to in any means, and excluded yourself from the family in general. This is where you’d be physically present at outings, but mentally elsewhere. I also think this is where your selfishness grew. I remember you started to drink every night, have something to eat then sleep and repeat days after. You kept disappearing at nighttime, come and go into the house as you please, started getting comfortable talking to whatever girl it was on the phone in the house, and didn’t have courtesy towards whoever was in the same room with you.

I’m torn you didnt come to my graduation when I invited you. It hurt a lot, and I grew very enviously seeing raymond’s dad there. It was until the ride home from the graduation party where my friend asked me how I felt about it, and I broke down to fucking tears.

**********

Monday, September 7th, 2020

-Slept a lot all day due to the heat. Began getting flustered with how much noise my mom was making while I was trying to study. I gave up and knocked out for a few hours, and woke up to review homework for anatomy and psychology.

-Gave nala a bath, gave her TLC with brushing and deshedding her. Ended up walking her while carrying a bath due to being traumatized by the loose husky yesterday morning. I spoiled her today with treats after her dinner, knowing she was going to get spayed tomorrow morning.

-It felt really good to have a day off after working 3-4 weeks straight, and going at my own pace.

-Put in some work into the Dad letter. Wanted to challenge myself with a letter versus bullet points- it all has to get out at some point, right?

Sunday, September 6, 2020

-I’m super fired up this morning due to walking my dog, and having my neighbor’s dog fucking attack my dog and bite me on the wrist. Thankful my neighbor was there to get the other dog away and off of my dog, and I safely got back to my backyard. I walked over to that neighbors house to tell him what the hell is his problem. Good thing it was only me and my dog versus a kid and a smaller dog. He didn’t even apologize just stating that his dog escaped, has it’s shots- fucking rude. Hope animal control does something about it. It pisses me off how some people don’t know how to properly train or care for their dogs. I told my mom about the incident too in case someone shows up to our house after filing a report, and that ticked me off even more as she was prioritizing the safety of my car versus my dogs health and what’s right. Hold people accountable, make them take responsibility of shit. Do what’s right which in my case I feel like I did.

-Lokahi went well. Always calming and easy working there. Getting more insight of the healthcare field and getting to know the acupuncturists on a deeper level. One of them brought her son in and he’s so adorable, 7years old.

-Napped when I got home. Steph ended up coming over. Felt very productive overall.

-Told Theo I didn’t want to have meaningless sex anymore. Told Danny that putting in effort goes both ways-ie communication, wanting to hang out, etc. I just want to focus on myself and get my head right.

Saturday, September 5, 2020

-Daphne came over for a bit after I got off from working at Lokahi. She’s back with Josh after confiding in me about their relationship, but as long as she’s happy I’m all for it. I just don’t want to see my friends down and out- I want everyone to win. She was telling me how Theo was posting this and that on social media with a subliminal message thinking it was directed towards me, but I just eye-rolled at it. First he invites me to his BBQ and to bone last night, then this morning does the same thing but with 2 stripper parties to take me to afterwards. It’s whatever, it’s not my scene.

-Took a nap after working at Lokahi, woke up with very little energy and no motivation to do anything. I feel physically and emotionally drained. It’s my cousin’s birthday BBQ at his house, and I find myself moving very slow to get ready. It ended up being a fun time catching up with my sister and other friends I haven’t seen in a while. I was dreading the idea of having a drink and trying not to, but I had 2 celebratory shots in the evening and felt guilty afterwards. I think that’s a kickstart to me not wanting to drink ever. I normally don’t drink as often anymore since the night of getting arrested, I like not being impaired/ under the influence anyway.

-Felt guilty leaving my dog at home on a warm evening knowing her surgery is coming up on Tuesday. Getting that reassurance from Daphne and Josh saying how spaying Nala at 10 years old was a good idea, made me feel okay about myself doing it for her.

Friday, September 4th, 2020

-Left Danny’s house in the morning to get ready for work. Had my coffee, had a slow start to work as time felt like it was dragging. I’m awaiting Monday to come as this weekend will be the last of working straight for the past 3-4 weeks. Yay for rest, as well as playing catch up for school.

-Work went really good today, made me realize how much catching up I have to do. Threw the idea of having an old employee fill in Thursdays, surprised how my boss was open to the idea and I should reach out to her. I like it when everyone is running on good vibes- coworkers and patients. This is why I always love Fridays at work-filled with good energy for the weekend and rest, as well as finishing another great week.

-Danny texted me while in a work wrap up meeting saying his car wouldn’t start because his BAC was too high. Had mixed feelings of wanting to go there, but ended up helping with the motive to do so. As soon as I got there he tried to start his car again and it did. We’re just friends, some occasions I feel like maybe we can patch things up, I don’t know. Guard is definitely still up.

-Tempted to go to Theo’s clubhouse for a BBQ, ended up not going because my school work comes first and I felt like my social battery was running low. Theo is like temptation but I deserve the kind of love I desire and not to be anyones quick fuck. Yeah I respect him as a person because he tells it like it is, but I’m tired of putting myself through something where it’s not going to go beyond that. I feel like I’m getting back to loving myself, and okay with being single.

-I basically bombed my school work for this week. Got everything situated to add the course successfully, but realized how much homework and studying it is. I’m trying to not look at this night's homework as failure, but an opportunity to get things back on track for the remaining of the semester. Go, Education!

Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

-I woke up this morning with very little energy-unsure if it’s related to the cold weather. On the way to work my anxiety started to build up trying to plan how I’d balance out school and work for that day. It wasn’t the first good session with all of the distractions going on around me, I also found it brutal to stare at my computer screen for 2+ hours . What a time to be alive. Returning from lunch made my stomach drop, due to receiving the police report from the night or getting arrested, Attorney Ryan Mannix sent me. It sucks that I still don’t know for my damn self what the hell was going on that night, I was just scared shitless with what I thought was happening. Maybe it’s that ‘daddy issues’ thing I got going that made me think I was being in a group sex session against my will, who knows? I know for damn sure that that night was my lowest point, and not to do anything mind altering like that again. . I need to let old habits die and probably even cut ties with Theo, too, as he was like the ringleader of that night.

-I invited Danny over to my house after he got off from work, as a friendly gesture. . I told him about what was going on and caught him up to speed with the whole court thing. He advised me to write a letter to the judge. For some reason, I still look at Danny in that protector light. I ended up sleeping over at his house to calm my nerves down. He has that calming effect on me, like everything would be okay.

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

-I feel pumped up today. I feel motivated, I feel like I’m getting organized with my school and work duties. I feel like I am slowly gaining a sense of focus, as well as regaining my drive to fulfill my purpose in healthcare again.

-Work went really well today. Stayed on top of office flow- glad my boss noticed at our wrap up meeting- got chart notes documented for each patient and helped a bit with the admin side of it. I felt my energy up there (thank you, coffee) so I went home and washed my car, and managed to walk my dog for a bit. I went to bed feeling relaxed. I pushed myself to be more mindful and didn’t really have a cluster of sad thoughts and negative self talk as much throughout the day.

-By night time I was just thinking about what was going through my head in Dunsmuir. I don’t know why Theo would be the center of the illusion of me getting sexually abused in a group. I just want a clean slate from this arrest, a cleaner slate of my relationships, I’m itching to read the police report, but I have to just go with the flow and not get myself amped up for things I can’t control.

-Working on my communication skills and learning to express and say what’s on my mind. Finally built up the courage to tell my boss that I got into an anatomy course which I've been waitlisted to. I’m very eager to start, this is reassurance that I am on the right path to my educational goals and career!

Tuesday September 1st, 2020

-woke up this morning to keep reminding myself that it’s a fresh new month and to keep positive thoughts in mind as I go about. Excited that my birthday is in 2 weeks, as I'm not feeling so excited. It’s a covid celebration, but I think the most I’m going to do to treat myself is to take that day off, as well as Monday since it falls on a Tuesday- so it’ll be like a 4 day weekend to unwind, and relax.

-Danny texted me, I’m annoyed with his ass too.

-I feel excited that I’m second on the waitlist to get into retaking an anatomy course this semester. I think the likelihood of me getting in are pretty high, so now comes the tricky part of conversing with my boss about taking 2 hours out midday on Thursdays for the semester if I get in.

-Just got home from work, cried on the way to work because I feel sad and distressed about everything. I got fired up at work due to a patient experiencing elder abuse with her auto accident case and insurance- business ethic on her auto policy- as well as how fucked up the attitude of western medicine and health insurance is. I feel anxious at the moment with what’s going on-ie. relationship status, family affairs, school, work, and the possible outcomes of this next court date. I feel like a hot mess.

-Therapy went really well today. I like getting to the root of things, but I have to remind myself to pace this process so I don’t get emotionally overwhelmed. Taking my time to write this letter/list regarding my dad, but it’s something I need to do to grow and move on.

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im-trying-1 · 4 years

Text

Who TF Knows

Chapter 1 You know that coming of age, teenage novel where a group of friends hangout, go to highschool, fuck each other, and ultimately figure out who they are in the end?

Yea, well, that’s not what this is.

This is a story about me and my friends, who also have no idea who we are in the world, but we’re more diverse. So, if you want a story with a bunch of white, straight people running around acting batshit crazy, this is not the story for you. If not, then hi. I’m Scarlett. And this is a story about how fucked up life can be.

“Yo, Scarlett!” Tate called as I entered the bookstore we meet up at after school everyday. It was pretty empty today, because no one really goes to bookstores on a Friday afternoon. I walked over to our usual table and saw that all my other friends were there too.

I have five friends: Stephanie, Uriah, Tate, Henry, and Natalia. We aren’t your typical group of kids. We all have our issues. But who doesn’t, you know? We’ve all been through shit that we wished we hadn’t, shit that messes us all up in some way. The shit that we want to forget so badly, but it comes back to us whenever. We help each other through it though. We have to. No one else is going to help us.

“Come on now, make room for Scarlett,” Stephanie said, scooting her chair over so I could pull up a chair next to her. Even though it was seventy-five degrees in our small, southern California town, Steph had on a white cardigan over her pink striped blouse. I didn’t even have to guess at what she was trying to hide.

Stephanie has been my friend since we were nine. We had to do this project for science class and she was my partner. I always admired the way she looked. She had hair so blonde it was almost white, crystal blue eyes, and a nose so small it could fit on a doll. My african features could never let me have that. She had a soft way about her. Her ora was always warm and she never seemed unhappy. Even down to the way she dressed, was always light and full of life. She had what seemed like the perfect life. I was very wrong.

Steph had an extremely rough homelife. Her dad owns the paper mill just outside of town, so her parents are loaded. Having a lot of money doesn’t make up for the fact that her parents are dicks. When she was younger, her older brother would sneak into her room at night. She was six; he was eighteen. Her parents never believed her when she told them though, because her brother was the perfect child. He was the captain of the hockey team, he had a 4.0; he was their most prized accomplishment. They didn’t want to believe their star boy was a rapist. So they ignored it, like they did every bad thing.

Soon, her brother went to college, so she didn’t have to worry about him except when he came home from college. After we became friends, she would spend the night at my house, sometimes, when her brother came home. When she told me what he did, we cried together. She would say that I was the only reason she hadn’t ran away, that I was the only reason she was sometimes happy. I had a crush on her for the entire year of fifth grade ( along with every other boy in our grade ), but it didn’t matter. Steph just wasn’t attracted to people. She’s never had a crush that I can think of, not one she told us about anyways. And she tells us everything. Or so we thought.

“Oh my god, did you study for Mrs. Rosweld’s Chemistry test today?! I studied for it for, like, four hours, but I honestly feel like I failed,” Uriah asked as soon as I sat down. It was like him to worry about that kind of stuff, even though we all know he passed.

I became friends with Uriah in art class in eighth grade. We were supposed to make something out of clay, and he made a rose. I made a stupid looking heart. After class, he walked up to me and whispered to me, “Um, ex-ex-excuse me? Um, I- I- made this f-for Micheal Walker. Do you mind p-putting it in his locker for m-m-me?” I asked him why he couldn’t do it himself and he told me “I- I would but, uh, I don’t wa-want anyone to s-s-see me.” I stood there for a second, and told him to meet me at lunch by Micheals locker. When he met me, I stood watch as he put the clay rose in his locker. He told me, in his stuttering voice, how thankful he was for my help. I asked him if he wanted to eat lunch with me and Steph. And we were happy to have someone new in our small family.

Uriah came out in sophmore year, right after his dad left. He was never scared to come out to us, but his parents were a different story. They never talked about stuff like that in his house, so he didn’t really know what to expect. His mom was supportive, but his dad didn’t really say anything. They never talk about it. They barely talk at all. You can tell it kinda hurts him. But he distracts himself with his Yale application. Uriah’s the smartest one in our friend group; you can tell just by the way he looks. He has that classic ‘smart person’ look to him. His favorite thing to wear is a sweater with a plaid shirt underneath. Nothing about him was dark, though. Other than him being black and gay, he is your classic ‘nerd’ cliche. Neither of his parents went to college, so him going to Yale would be huge. And that puts a lot of pressure on him.

This one night, Uriah was walking home alone, and some homophobes rolled up on him. He was found the next morning, unconscious. He woke up that afternoon in the hospital, but they kept him another three days to run some tests. He only talked about what happened to the police; we never found out what happened to him that night. His injuries somewhat told the story, though. He had two black eyes, a broken nose, two broken ribs, bruises on all his limbs, his stomach, and neck, and cut on the top of his head. The only thing Uriah would ever tell us about that night was that it was the worst night of his life. They never caught who did it. He never stuttered after that. We could never figure out why. He had been going to speech therapy for years, and what finally worked was getting the shit beat out of him, I guess.

“I’m sure you did great, Uriah. Don’t worry so much about it,” Natalia said to him, while patting his back. He seemed to calm down a little, but he still had this worried look on his face.

Natalia was Uriah’s protector. Uriah went to a support group after what happened and he met her there. I guess it was some sort of “Got the shit kicked out of you? Hey, me too. Let's talk about it.” kind of support group. Natalia hardly ever went to the support group though; it was her first day there and she only went back to go with Uriah. Natalia was the strong type. She was the type to get in a fight and not back down until she won, was unconscious, or dead. She was tough. She had to be. She was in the foster system for a while, and that can be pretty rough. Her birth mom was an addict who couldn’t pay her bills so they took Natalia away when she was three. She told the fam she had been in eight different foster homes by the time she was twelve, and that some were good ( like, give you your own room type of good ), most were ok ( like, feed you, clothe you, keep the bills paid, give you a bed type of ok ), and some were goddamn awful. And I mean, sometimes feed you, lock you in your room, barely pay their bills, or worse, type of awful. Natalia barely got to see her birth mom. And when she did, her mom made all these promises about getting sober and getting straight so she can get Natalia back. And she believed her, up until they finally went to family court, and her mom didn’t show. And let me tell you, when your parent doesn’t show up for you, it is the worst feeling in the world.

We never saw Natalia before she met Uriah. I mean, we had been going to the same school for three years, and somehow never crossed paths. She didn’t have any friends, but she got by I guess. We had classes together, but before she never went to them. It wasn’t until Natalia met Uriah that she started to care. Care about school, her grades, the way she presented herself, her reputation. She was the loner and she looked the part, too. She always had the ‘ready to fight but still kinda stylish’ look to her. Her style and Uriah’s really clashed. They were best friends. They weren’t interested in each other like that, though. They helped each other like that. They were good for each other.

Natalia has this vibe she gives off. Before you get to know her, she’s very off putting. Her grimace that she wears around people is one of the main reasons. Another might be her piercing blue eyes that seem to know everything before you even say anything. Like her personality, her hair is fiery and stands out in a crowd. She seems intimidating and hard, then she finally opens up to you and you realize she’s an amazing person. She loves painting, and she is amazing at it. She once made me this mural for my birthday, and it is the greatest gift I have ever received. She’s just one of those kinds of people I guess. The ones you have to get to know to really love.

“Yea, man. I wouldn’t sweat it. We all know you’re Rosweld’s favorite. Plus, you’re, like, the smartest person at our school. You did fine,” Tate said, looking over at Uriah from his seat beside Natalia. This made Uriah smile a little. Tate sat back in his seat, content with himself for his accomplishment.

Plus, there’s Tate. Tate’s the party animal of the group. He’s the one you call if you need help sneaking out or hiding something from your parents. He’s learned all the tricks to getting past parents.He’s always the life of the party, though, even when he’s sober. He always wears these outfits that are very over the top and crazy, because that’s just who he is. He can make anyone laugh, doing anything. Except for his parents.

His dad is a very strict catholic and his mom left when he was eleven, so he also has his issues. His dad is away on business a lot, which we all know is bullshit and just an excuse to not be with Tate all the time. Tate thinks it’s because he looks so much like his mom, and that everytime his dad looks at him, he feels the pain of her leaving all over again. I, for one, think that’s a bullshit reason not to spend time with your family. But it’s not my place to do anything about it, so I just stay out of it.

We met Tate one night when we were walking home and he was passed out on the side of the road. Steph was scared he may be dead, but Natalia checked his pulse and informed us that he was alive, just unconscious. We took him back to my house, and my mom let him sleep on the couch in the basement. We sat down there with him so when he did wake up, we could explain to him that we hadn’t kidnapped him. He woke up, puked in the trash can we had sat next to the couch where he was laying, and almost screamed before we handed him some gatorade and explained the situation. He then thanked us repeatedly and texted his dad to tell him where he was. We then asked him why he got so fucked up and he said “because my life is shit.” That’s when we knew we had a new friend.

One of the main reason’s Tate is the way he is is because he needs attention. Even before his mom left, she was barely around, much like his dad is now. He craved her love and attention, but she could never give it to him for some reason. He always blames himself, saying he should have tried harder, that maybe if he had tried harder she would have stayed. Not having a mother has been one of the worst things for Tate. Natalia was able to tough it out; she barely remembers a time she was with her mother. But Tate remembers the heartbreak of her not wanting him. So he parties. To forget, to try and get her attention, so she might care at least a little, at some point. He drinks and does drugs to try and numb the pain. Because that’s all we all want, is to numb the pain.

We’ve only met Tate’s mom once: at his sixteenth birthday party. She showed up two hours late and only stayed for an hour, but it meant a lot to Tate that she was there at all. When people say Tate looks like his mother, that’s an understatement. He is the exact replica of her. The dark curly hair, the freckles, even the way they walk is the same. The only thing different about them is their eyes. Tate has dark brown eyes that are always laughing, always full of laughter and joy. But his mom’s are full of sadness and anger. That’s the one thing Tate didn’t get from his mom. His personality.

“Look, Uriah, I did NOT stay on FaceTime with you to help you study for FOUR HOURS for you to doubt yourself. You did not fail that test, and on the off chance you got less than a 90, I will personally go up to Mrs. Rosweld and cuss her ass out because we earned that motherfucking A,” Henry said firmly, before bursting out laughing. Uriah looked surprised for a second, then started laughing with him, which caused us all to laugh.

Then there’s Henry. Henry was the mom of the group. He was the one who took care of us, no matter what. We met Henry the same night we met Tate. He and Tate had been best friends since kindergarten, so he was the person Tate usually called when he needed a ride. He was always there for every one of us, in any situation. If Natatlia got into a fight, the first person she would call to come pick her up and get her all cleaned and bandaged up was Henry. If Steph ever needed to get out of her house because her brother was home for the weekend, Henry would figure something out for her to do that weekend. He was the one who was always quiet when we were venting about our problems, who would always listen to the tea Tate would spill about the party he had just been to. He was just there for us, with whatever we needed.

Henry always had this sense of calm to him. It was as if, just by being around him, you instantly just felt better. You could never be upset around Henry because he just made you feel better with his energy. He always understood everyone’s problems, and he always tried to figure them out with us as if they were his own. He gave the best advice and was the wisest of the group. No one could understand it, though, because he had an amazing home life. His parents were lawyers and some of the nicest people I had ever met. He grew up an only child, so he always had the spotlight. His dad couched all his little league teams and his mom always made brownies whenever we came over. They were the white picket fence, poster family. There was no way anyone could tell that something awful was happening in that family.

“Anyways, does anyone wanna go to this party later with me? It’s at J.T. Wiliam’s place ‘cause his parents are out of town for the weekend. Anyone?”

“Sorry, Tate, I would but I have to finish my portfolio,” Natalia answered.

“Oh, yea, how’s that going? You’re still going to show it to us when you're finished, right?” Steph asked.

“Yea, whenever I finish. Mrs. Willis is making me do all these chores so I barely have time to paint anymore,” she responded.

Natalia was applying for art school in the fall and she wanted to get her portfolio finished before summer starts so she can focus on this art contest she entered into. She still has no idea what she’s going to make, but it’s not due until August, and she’s procrastinating.

“Yea, I can’t go either, Tate. I have to study for the SATs,” Uriah said.

“It’s alright. Steph, how about you?” Tate asked Steph from across the table.

“I wish I could, Tate, but my grandparents are visiting from Italy and my mom’s making me at least stay for dinner. I might be able to meet up with you after, though, if I can sneak away.”

“Wait, Steph, is your brother gonna be there?” I asked, consurned.

“No, he couldn’t make it, thank god,” she responded.

“Wait, do you want me to come over for dinner, Steph? I don’t have anything to do tonight so I can go,” Henry offered.

“Oh my god, yes, Henry that’d be amazing. Thank you so much!” Stephanie exclaimed.

“Well, I’ll go with you, Tate,” I said, knowing Tate was getting disappointed.

“OH MY GOD! YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH, SCARLETT! YOU WON’T REGRET THIS, I PROMISE,” Tate practically shouted.

“Yea, I’d better not,” I mumbled.

We stayed at the bookstore for another hour or so until Stephanie said she needed to get home. She asked Henry for a ride to her house and they left. Then Natalia and Uriah left ( Natalia doesn’t have a license so Uriah drives her everywhere ) and it was only Tate and I left. Tate proceeded to tell me that I needed to change before the party, so we headed to my house. If I had known that that was the last time we would all be together, I don’t know what I would have done differently.

***

Tate drove me over to my house and helped me find something to wear to the party. We settled on an AC\DC vintage tee-shirt, my Doc Martens, and a pair of ripped jeans. It was the perfect punk look, which is what Tate said the theme of the night was. Tate does this thing sometimes where when we go out, he gives us themes to dress like. One night, the theme was “hawiian chique” and we all had to dress like either hula girls or corney hawaiian tourists. So we were just walking around, all night, looking like fucking steryotypical hawaiians in the middle of October. It was very embarrassing. But we do it to make Tate happy.

“Hey, we should probably get going if we want to get food before we get to the party,” Tate said, looking at his watch.

“Yea, ok,” I said and grabbed my bag. We left my room, raced down the stairs, and walked into the kitchen where my mom was.

“Hey, Mom, we're gonna go now, ok?”

“Yea, that’s fine. Make sure to call me if you need me to pick you up.”

“Alright,” I said, walking around her to the back door, “I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie. You be safe, you two. Bye, Tate. Love you.”

“Love you too, Mrs. Eyther. I’ll see you later.”

It wasn’t uncommon for Tate and the group’s moms to say ‘I love you’ to each other. We were all a family, so Tate just adopted our mothers and they adopted him. I think that’s what kept him from not totally going insane: a mother telling him she loved him.

We listened to punk rock the entire way to Carla’s Diner ( just to stay on theme ) and we both ordered burgers with a double order of fries. We talked about who would be at the party, how long we were planning on staying, and other party related things before we both went quiet for a second.

“How are you doing, Scarlett? Really?” Tate asked, in a concerned voice to break the silence.

“What do you mean?”

I knew what he meant.

“Well, I mean, Monday is May 1st. How are you feeling about that?”

I sat there for a second. How did I feel? I mean, I felt sad. But not as sad as I usually did when May 1st rolled around.

“I don’t know. I’m hanging in there, you know? I just…..I don’t know,” I responded.

“Well, you know I’m always here for you if you want to talk right? Anytime.” Tate put his hand on mine.

“Yea, I know. Thanks, Tate.”

“Of course, babes. Now, hurry up and eat your burger, woman, so I can get to this par-tay!!”

***

We got to the party and upon arriving, I could already tell this was gonna be a night that I either remember forever or don’t remember at all. We walked in and were immediately greeted by two very drunk teenage girls in very short skirts. The lesbian in me wanted to stay and talk to them, but as the good friend I am, I walked into the basement with Tate so he didn’t accidentaly kill himself on xannys. J.T. was down there and greeted us. He handed Tate a joint and then offered it to me.

“Uh, no thanks, I don’t really handle weed well.”

It was true. One time I smoked with Tate, and I got really trippy. It was probably the worst experience with illegal substances that I've ever had. Then, I saw a bottle of tequila.

“Now, this is more my type,” I said, looking at the label.

“I thought your type was busty blondes,” Tate said with a smirk on his face.

“Haha,” I mocked.

Tate and I have this inside joke from sophomore year. Basically what happened was we were at a party and Tate caught me staring at this one girl. He then walked over to her and told her that I liked her hair. I don’t remember much of what happened that night, but I do remember making out with her for at least an hour.

“Yo, Scarlett.”

I turned around and saw Tate was already tipsy. He was sitting on the couch in between two girls with a vodka bottle in his hand. I walk over to him and he stands up abruptly.

“WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS?!” He screams.

The rest of the night is a hazy memory of shots, stripping, and cherry chapstick that I don’t remember too well. At some point, I remember getting a phone call from Steph, but when I called her back later, she said it was nothing. So I didn’t worry about it. I should have.

I drove Tate home, because there was no way he could get home by himself. I then walked the block to my house. I don’t mind walking home, especially after a party like that. It gives me a chance to think. And with May 1st about to roll around, I needed that time.

I got home around 2 in the morning and my mom was watching TV in the living room.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, baby. How was the party?”

“It was great, thanks. How was your night?”

“Oh, I had some fun. Watched the TV. Did Tate get home alright?”

“Yea, I just dropped him off. Mom, I’m feeling pretty tired. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Ok, sweetie, well I love you. Sweet dreams.”

“ ‘Night, Mom. Love you too.”

I walked up the stairs and was walking down the hallway to my room when I saw the door at the end of the hall that we usually keep closed was open. I walked in and was instantly hit by the scent of dust. I looked around and took in what was my sister’s room. Her One Direction posters were still on the wall, her bed was still unmade, her room looked just the same it did on that May 1st, almost two years ago. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. It still smelled like the shampoo she used. I layed on her bed, just trying to remember her voice, not knowing that in about two hours, my entire world was about to come crashing down, just like that day.

#chapter1 #writing #firstchapter #who tf knows #triggerwarning

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