#i hate billy taupe so much it’s unreal

[solar-halos]

i think we need to talk about lucy gray

before we get into the bulk of the rant, i want to clarify i’m not denying that lucy gray is very clever and very good at emotionally manipulating people. you have to be, as someone who makes a living out of performing for other people. and, seeing as she already relied on that skill to survive without the capitol being in the picture, she’s obviously very good at making people like + root for her

the point of this post isn’t me being like “lucy gray has done nothing wrong in her entire life” bc i honestly don’t think that’s true. like, with the war ruining her childhood and the games ruining her teenage dirtbag era and snow ruining what’s left of her adulthood, it would surprise me if she’s not at least a little bit fucked up. she’s not a poor lil lamb or a ruthless killer, but a secret third thing. emotional manipulation is one of her strengths, but i also think it’s her biggest weakness as well

so, without further ado, let’s get into the actual rant!

we obviously know billy taupe sucks. i’m gonna try to not let my own headcanons get in the way of what i’m saying too much, but based on the fact this man literally had to get shot to finally shut the fuck up about running away with lucy gray, i think it’s safe to say that he was obviously very controlling and possessive. but he was always outward with it, unlike snow

so here lucy gray is, in the capitol, because billy taupe got his feet muddy and that’s somehow HER problem, and there’s this guy there! and he’s not (outwardly) repulsed by the fact she lives in the districts! we already know that people view snow as a very genuine person, so what’s lucy gray supposed to think? everyone in the capitol is so intent on treating her and the other tributes like animals, so snow doing less than the bare minimum and sneaking her a couple crackers every now and then probably comes across as a very touching display of humanity for her

and then she gets back home, and there are moments where she’s like “damn my capitol boyfriend is acting odd as fuck” but what’s she got to compare him to? billy taupe, the living embodiment of a sweat stain. someone who has an explosive temper, someone who isn’t intimidated by the idea of immediately getting aggressive and confrontational when something doesn’t go his way, someone who is very transparent with his ickiness. lucy gray was probably over the moon that she ditched billy taupe and his tobacco ridden lungs for someone like snow. she probably thought she was lucky that she seemingly got this whole romance thing down on the second try

and you know what? i absolutely do think lucy gray not only blamed herself for these two failed relationships, but for winding up in the games in general. *in my experience* there is a lot of guilt mixed in with removing yourself from a toxic relationship. instead of being like “slay i don’t have to deal with all this weird bullshit anymore B)” you start blaming yourself for not leaving sooner, or for not acknowledging the signs, and self-blame is especially common for people that have been cheated on. it seems like lucy gray left immediately after billy taupe cheated on her (yay!), but it also seems like we caught her in the second stage of the breakup (anger). the bargaining will come later

and, after snow reveals himself as someone who is, in fact, an aggressive person with an explosive temper, i think lucy gray would definitely start to blame herself for how common this pattern of behavior is from the guys she’s dating. you know, as if it’s her fault that the people in her life treat her like shit

i guess this sounds like a very pointless rant, but cmon! breakups are already so heavy and world altering when you’re 16, but being cheated on? then getting sent to your death by the girl your ex cheated on you with, as if it’s your fault? then your new boyfriend who you thought was sooo much sweeter and more thoughtful than your old boyfriend pulling a gun out on you, as if him murdering his “best friend” is also your fault? goddam! she’s not just processing the games anymore—she’s processing a clusterfuck of betrayal and attempted murders that take place outside of the arena. her being reaped is nobody’s fault but mayfair’s for getting so territorial over a boy that probably smells like a soggy, dirty sock, but lucy gray would absolutely internalize this until she starts blaming herself for not “seeing the signs sooner” or not being able to “keep him happy” before billy taupe wandered off and got her shipped to the capitol

i also want to acknowledge how different she is around billy taupe in comparison to snow, bc her behavior with billy taupe was one of the reasons why snow was so distrustful of her at the end of the book. but tbh if i wasn’t worried about saying something that would start a screaming match between someone who cheated on me and looked the other way as i was being sent to my DEATH, i’d start biting too! no jk but i think the the thing with that is lucy gray didn’t have to be as careful with how she approached billy taupe bc she could literally just kick him off her property if he started acting up and the covey would be chill with it. before the breakup, they’d both have to deal with the fallout of losing their tempers, so lucy gray finally having the opportunity to tell him to fuck off (as well as her trauma from the games) probably influenced how much more boldly she interacted with him after she got home

idk i just think viewing her as some sort of master manipulator who solely viewed snow as an exit ticket reads a bit too much like snow going sicko mode in the woods after he somehow convinced himself that lucy gray is out to get him bc the capitol forced her to play a game and she won. i genuinely do think she liked snow at the beginning. she was very vulnerable by the time they met, and while i do believe she knew snow was her best shot at leaving the arena alive, she had more important things on her mind than thinking about if her literal mentor giving her food so she doesn’t starve to death is part of some sort of longcon mind game extravaganza. also her already being distrustful of him but still staying with him after she won also seems like a longcon mind game extravaganza, but i don’t see what her motive would be for doing that

(don’t get it twisted tho i looove fanfics where lucy gray is like “this boy is not my fuckinf type but i’ll be damned if i won’t eat his food.” there was a fanfic on ao3 where the main pairing was lucy gray and sejanus and <3 oh i love that so much she deserved someone genuinely sweet in her life)

this concept sounded so much better in my head but basically the gist of what i’m trying to say is that there’s probably a lot of self hatred on lucy gray’s part for how awful her life turned out. (also i’m not trying to boil down her character to the guys she’s had romantic relationships with, but i think there is something to be said about how snow views things like love and obsession and control as things that are very much.. interchangeable)

actually here’s the gist of the gist:

“fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice, also shame on me” -lucy gray after two different boyfriends both try to murder her for having the audacity to think for herself

another disclaimer before i end off this post: i don’t mean for this to come across as me bashing anyone who has theories about lucy gray wanting snow on her good side bc she wanted a higher chance of surviving. maybe she was just stringing him along, or maybe her already fucked up perception of love paired with a wholly fucked up situation made her think he was much sweeter than he was

or maybe it’s a secret third thing