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#fucked up every day about my grandmother dying ten years ago and how that completely changed myself#and how we were cheated out of any life insurance for reasons never explained to me#but i once heard a figure of around 100k#and i just#yeah my mother probably would have squandered that on her drug addiction but at least for a while wed have been okay#im tired of being poor and tired and disabled#im tired#im tired of waiting to die#i dont have the energy or means to live#i wish my friends had better reactions when intold them my feelings#instead of sympathetic Im Sorrys and a change on conversation or following radio silence#they have problems too but i wish we could communicate with eachother and help each other through it#wish my family gave a shit about me#the only ones who seem to care live hundreds of miles away and i haven't seen since i was 7#well except my dad but the last time i saw him was junior year of college#and he cares but we talk less then once a month#and he never wanted me#one time he told me he and his wife (not my mom) had cats because they were never going to have kids#as if i wasnt his kid; as if im not his clone; as if we dont have the same eyes and hair and love of weird alien bullshit and music#i hate that im so fucking isolated from family because my mother burns every bridge and life line put infront of her and#my father couldnt be bother#dot
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