#i have 60 unread and i just cant

[yanderederee]

MeetYourTutor,

nav: start! › after!

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2004 - Eight Grade-year

Baji Keisuke really did try to be as straight laced as he could, but his grades showed none of the same effort.

Ever since he came home to his mother crying, scared for her baby boy’s future, Keisuke started to realize that his actions and mistakes could be big— real, and hurt the people he wanted to protect.

‘I cant be worrying her like that’, he reasoned to himself. She was a young mom. 28 years of age, with a 13 year old brat… Keisuke knows he’s made life hell for her, but she never gave up on. He tried making up for everything he ruined for her, becoming more respectful in towards her the most recent years, doing as he’s told (for the most part) and helping around the apartment… to make her proud.

He was really trying.

February22nd, 2004

Baji Keisuke is held back from entering into the third year of middle school, and will have to repeat year two.

—-As stated by an official government stamped letter; to the Baji residence mailbox.

Ryoko Baji cried when she thought her son was asleep. Keisuke’s guilt sank in deeper and deeper as the hours passed.

He asks Mikey for advice, and sure as boxes are square, glasses make you smart.

Two days pass, and a single failed shopping trip turned 40 v 1 man brawl later, he obtained the smartest person glasses he could find.

So why the hell were the pre-qualifying class assignment packets practically illegible? The glasses help (he swears) but he really had to put in the work this time.

February26th, 2004

Imagine how confused Baji felt, watching his mom hustle into the apartment, giddy despite having returned home after her third shift of the day. It was rare to see her home these last few months. She’d put on a brave face and did her best to help Keisuke through what had just happened 7 months ago— but a man was dead and her son had been the face of local news. Finding work was hard, but she preserved.

He wouldn’t let those efforts go to waste.

Ryoko held up a cutely decorated 8x11 colored printing paper, advertising 30-60 minute tutoring sessions for 1,000¥ per week, and encouraged her son to take the opportunity. Baji was quick to agree with her.

That’s how you met Ryoko and Keisuke Baji.

Ryoko had contacted you the same day, asking for further set details.

You were to attend the same school, which made things more convenient for when school would start up next month.

So, after you’d looking over Keisuke’s pre-qualification-class assignment packet, you got a feel for where you should focus your efforts.

But Baji Keisuke was Fucking unreadable. He was grinning like a boy and thanking you for your help one second, the next you’re like a stranger to him. He couldn’t remember your name at first either, qualifying to calling you whatever name came to mind first.

You would once in a while poke irritably at the nerdy four eyes, and how you were technically older than him, by eight months, in fact.

So to poke back, he addressed you like the upperclassman you claimed to be, sempai-chan.

From your first meeting, up til March 5th, you and Baji had studied hard for the pre-qualifying test that would take place on the 15th.

School would start early April, and a strong start is going to be your greatest milestone, as you claimed.

… Yeah, up until March 5th, when you and Baji found and cared for a broken kitten on the side of the road. *› nav:part.1… ›

It wasn’t normal to see injured animals laying so out in the open. It was even more nerve wracking to notice the broken bones were human inflicted. What kind of bastard hurts a fucking kitten?

The thought made Baji Keisuke’s blood boil.

Starting from that day, he started paying closer attention to those in the area. This was the first time something like that had happened.

But nothing happened since.

Activity was taking place away from his side of town. Keisuke didn’t have to worry about you, since he was a half hour walk away. You never went out after dark, and your weekends were mostly spent in safe areas.

He didn’t have to worry about you.

You shyly admitted to Baji once that you named Sango after the day you two had found her. (san-3, go-5, san.go-3.5> march 5th)

March 11th, 2004

The only time he felt calm was when he watched you ideally scribble gibberish into a notebook. He watched your hands. The way your fingers flex in delicate and quick strokes, the lead rattling in the mechanical pencil filling the comfortable silence between you two.

The glasses Keisuke had purchased were practically made of two way glass. He saw out of them just fine. They weren’t prescribed glasses or anything, just a tool that made him smarter.

But from those looking his direction, thanks to the thick rims and aggressive reflect; his sharp resting bitch face eyes went completely unnoticed.

He was grateful for that the most, Baji decided when he caught you take a glance up at him, completely unaware how he was just staring at your hands.

You thought you were slick with that glance. It was cute.

You weren’t nervous of Baji I’m the slightest. By nature, Baji sort of registered you as a small animal worthy of his protection and at least some respect.

He gave you credit where it was due; you were smart and patient with his dumb ass, circling with a pink gel pen where he went wrong, and your neat handwriting next to it with helpful reminders.

He dazed off while he was watching you study. You were just mesmerizing, somehow.

“Why do I have to remember these stupid old guys who’ve been dead for like, a thousand years?” Baji was growing more and more restless as the lesson continued.

You gave a pitiful look, and sighed. “Yeah, it is pretty pointless when you think about it, but,” you grinned, and started a bit of a story time to make the history lesson more enjoyable to sit through. Stringing along stories of these old dead guys of the Edo period as characters (who’s names you repeated often).

Baji seemed to get it, actually. He could follow a good story line.

“So this Nobunagi guy—“ “Nobunaga.” You corrected. “Yeah, whatever, he just decided one day he was gonna just unite japan?”

He was engaging.

Ecstatic, you gave a wide smile and nodded. He was finally retaining something.

After some praise, Baji was content with the work he’d done today. So, when you’d decided to shift your attention back to your own paper so he could do the same, he realized just how tired he was.

The soft strokes of your pencil lead against the smooth paper was like a lullaby lulling him to sleep, as his eyes grew heavier and heavier. Cross armed and head jostled against his left shoulder, Baji Keisuke well asleep in his chair.

You didn’t notice for a while, actually. Not until you heard a soft snore break through the silence of the library. Looking up, you noticed Baji slumped in slumber.

Of corse he was sleepy. You of all people knew this. You were the one keeping him up at night, both with school prep and sentimental thoughts he couldn’t simply swat away.

You let out a soft chuckle before resting your hand on your hand, gazing upon him for a little while.

Longer, you stared. His hair was slicked back, but it was long. You wondered how long, which lead to wondering how he would look if he ditched the nerd cut. He was handsome, from what you could tell. It was a shame he had to hide behind glasses.

You brought up the idea of contacts to him, but he shooed the idea quickly. The curiosity of the subject never peaked your interest like how it was now. Maybe it’s because he looked so vulnerable. While giving a fluttering glance to his lips, you had noticed a very sharp canine. Sure, he smirked and showed off his toothy grin a lot, but you couldn’t help wanting to touch them.

Weirdo.

As minutes passed, you finally couldn’t take the curiosity swimming in your head anymore. Gently—very, gently, you shifted closer to Baji, and slowly grazed your fingers against the plastic rim of his glasses. You pulled the ear pieces back very slightly, so as to not disturb the peaceful sleeper.

This was the first time you had seen Baji Keisuke so vulnerable. Even in class, his eyebrows seemed to always pinch together in annoyance, frustration, boredom, almost all the time. His features were soft… decently long eyelashes, smooth skin pulling over his higher cheekbones.

He was more than handsome, Baji was a pretty boy. You blushed softly at this revelation. On second thought, maybe he did need the glasses. Both of your sanity and his lowkey persona.

You leaned in just a little closer. When you looked closely enough, you could see some slight discoloration. Little scapes that healed over many times. Now that you were paying attention, his knuckles were also a little raw. Dry, and darker than the skin on his hand.

You admired how peaceful he looked, subconsciously leaning closer and closer to get a better look at all his features before he could wake. You didn’t even notice how close you were until you felt Baji’s breath softly exhale against your lips.

You almost wanted to kiss him—

But you didn’t have time to let your brain work the information before Baji started to stir. Panic soon rested in, and you dropped the glasses on the table on top of his study paper before pushing your head down to look very interested in the stupid study packet.

Baji let out a deep baritone groan as he began to stretch his limbs, yawning instinctually. Imagine his surprise when he blinks his eyes awake to notice everything crystal clear, no obstruction on his peripheral vision like he was now used to. He too started to panic, noticing the way his glasses were tossed on his paper. They must have fell off, he reasoned, before quickly scooping them up with lightning speed.

Glancing your way, he feels relief that you seemed too focused on your studies to notice his little blunder. Oh right. Studying. That’s why you two were here in the first place.

Baji groaned once he got a look at his paper. Barely even through the first half of the page. He really did not feel like studying. He needed to get out and warm up the stiffness in his muscles. Maybe Toman had some business to take care of he could take on. The thought excited him.

You glanced his direction once again. The displeased look on Baji’s face was very clear. Even if you were to force him to sit and memorize the useless knowledge, you knew he wouldn’t retain it with the headspace he was swirling in. So in an attempt to act casual, you asked,

“I-it’s seven, so we can head out if you want,” you offered, packing your things premature of the answer. “I’ll treat you to a juice or something from the vending machine in the commons.”

Baji wasn’t one to turn down the chance to ditch the school work Or getting a free juice box.

Not having to ask twice, he dumped all his stuff in his bag with no filing system whatsoever.

“Say, where do you go in such a hurry after school?”

Well, he wasn’t expecting that question from you. Wide eyed and panicked, Baji tried thinking up a quick lie. “I visit. The… pet clinic.” He nodded. Somehow you believed it, or acted like you did at least. A wide close mouthed smile made its way on your face at the confession.

“That’s cute. You really care about animals. Volunteer work?”

Baji grumbled under his breath while looking away with a bashful spread. “Whatever. Guess you could call it that.”

If you considered tracking down clues to find the bastards who were responsible for multiple similar cases like Sango, broken legs or pelvic bones, cigarette burns and such; than sure, he was happy to volunteer.

“Oh yeah,” he suddenly remembered. “Sango. Vet said she only had a week left for recovery. Should be dispatched to a shelter nearby sometime after.”

“A shelter?” You asked in a whisper yell voice, eyes akin to saucers. “But-“ you tried to say something, but it died in your throat before anything else could come out. Your face dropped a little, dejected.

“If you wanna keep her, the vet said it wouldn’t be a problem.” He offered you the peace of advice.

Yet, your downcast eyes seemed to lose their usual playful energy.

What the hell?

“I’m not allowed to own a pet.” You said, almost like the sentence was scripted. “Why not?” Baji asked casually. Though he appeared neutral, he could tell something was off. This might be his chance to infiltrate your exterior.

You glanced his way for only a moment, and he could see the gears turning in your head, filtering what you want to say, to what you will say. “My… parents are allergic.”

You were a good person. He knew this the moment he’d met you. And good people can’t lie for shit, through his experience. “Bullshit—-“ Baji caught himself just after the word slipped, snapping his hand over his mouth once he realized.

You looked up at him with confusion written on your face. “I-I mean, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come off that way.” He shook his head in defeat. “You ain’t a good liar though, y/n.”

Shifting your eyes downcast again, this time you masked your true face behind a giggle. “Can’t say I didn’t try. It’s not important.” You shook your head, and before Baji could interject, you had already recollected yourself and shifted the attention elsewhere.

“Im on dinner duty tonight, so I’ll go ahead first today.” You smiled brightly as you said this. You’d already handed him his promised juice box. But your smile was fake. You were definitely a bad liar.

“If ya say so. Wait up a sec, ‘ll walk you home,” While Baji worded it as a statement, an order almost, you didn’t take it that way.

“No worries! I can manage.”

Again, before he could intervene, you took off at a brisk pace. Damnit.

Keisuke was trying to be patient with you. But it wasn’t in his nature. “The hell’s her problem?” He whispered with a click of his tongue, before throwing all his shit in his bag and jogging to catch up with you.

But even as he scanned the hallways and school grounds like a hawk, you weren’t to be found. Were you really that quick? No way. Regardless, he did have a Toman meeting. So, after some hesitation, he let the unsettling feeling behind at the school.

He couldn’t know that you’d ducked into an empty classroom and were huddled with your knees to your chest as you stared off into nothing.



[doctormage]

i rly like that post i just reblogged (abt getting ‘unstuck’ by going back to the decision you were trying to make) and i think its a very good tactic but the real bitch is most of my executive dysfunction catastrophes do not start that way

usually im overwhelmed by the fact that whatever it is i need to do isnt one (1) thing but many things. its not just a shower, which in and of itself could take like 5min if i tried real hard. i gotta wait for the water to get hot, i gotta decide if i wanna shave & add like 15 more min to my shower, i gotta detangle my hair when the conditioner is in it, i gotta moisturize once i get out, i gotta put more shit in my hair and wait for it to dry, i gotta find what clothes i wanna wear once my body has sucked up all its lotion, and then i gotta brush my hair once its mostly dry and figure out if i want it to be straight or wavy until the next time i wash it. that is SO MANY THINGS and if i gotta get ready/pick out regular clothes/put my face on? fuckin forget about it man. it was already a 35min ordeal at best but having to Actually Get Ready? nah

same w cooking. i have to compile a list of all the ingredients, figure out WHICH kroger im gonna go to, drive there & get my groceries as fast as i can bc i fucking hate grocery shopping, figure out what order to do the recipe in, heat shit up, SO MUCH WASHING AND CUTTING AND CHOPPING, mixing & heating w the constant fear im gonna fuck it up irreparably, and then the fucking DISHES?????? fuck no!!!!!!!!

with laundry its the sorting and the folding and the figuring out where shit goes, with schoolwork it’s a vast and convoluted hellscape of not knowing what the fuck to do but knowing i have a SHIT ton to do, with grading it’s the fact that i have 60+ of these godforsaken papers which take 5min each if not more to read and evaluate, with cleaning its the sweeping AND the vacuuming AND the mopping AND the putting shit away AND the trash AND the recycling AND the sorting AND and ANd And AND and ANdDDDdddd

not to mention that my anxiety follows me in all things so when deciding what kroger to go to, i have to go to the one that i went to less recently or else they’ll think i’m a freak that grocery shops 3x weekly. if im trying to order food same thing, i dont want them to know i JUST got something from them like a lazy fuck. anxiety over doing my assignment wrong/not getting it done in time, over unread emails, over being late to something, over the food i cook coming out shitty, over someone being mad at me. these all make my decisions way more fuckin complicated than they need to be

and then on TOP OF THAT if im going thru a depressive episode then its just not getting done. even if i cut my shower routine down to like 15 minutes tops, i just cant move. even just fucking like. microwaving leftovers is “Too Much” like bitch what??? stupid. even when im not having an an episode my energy levels fluctuate SO drastically for NO fucking reason that i may have a weird manic hour-long cleaning binge and then completely run out of steam before i get to the kitchen or the bathroom and cant do anymore. or i’ll go down a weird research rabbit hole when doing schoolwork and im so burnt out by the time i emerge that i cant even get any actual required work done 

anyway my brain is literally hell

[kissmejuyeon]

📚 i need book recommendations 📚

[birdymuses]

[ Recycling a bunch of stuff I said in conversations about Hanako earlier today because if I’m gonna type that much explaining my portrayal I may as well put it here. Sorry if it’s unreadable. I know it’s disjointed and jumps around since it’s only my remarks but I don’t want to edit too much and end up adding stuff in. ]

Birdy — Today at 1:49 PM

This is the common google search history for a person whose muse died in 1969

Congration, according to the internet Hanako knows what “twink” means

But he doesn’t quite understand what Twitter is

Birdy — Today at 1:47 PM

Hanako skills: knows words like twink and occasionally even (mis)uses more recent slang 

Hanako weaknesses: Internet, taxes

oh you know what I bet this man can't figure out how to use a smartphone

like there might be a way for an apparition to manipulate a touch screen but it's definitely more complicated than just PUTTING BUTTONS ON THINGS

smh humans these days dont put buttons on anything

he taps the screen but it doesnt do anything bc dead people cant complete an electrical circuit

Birdy — Today at 1:58 PM

does hanako actually eat or does he just absorb energy from offerings?

I guess the second one. I wonder what that’s like....

Birdy — Today at 2:02 PM

I mean I guess it must feel good or rejuvenating or something if spirits actually bother with it

I'm just sitting here like one day this child is gonna get donuts and I'll have to describe what he does with them and it wont be quite like eating

I do think the pilot is sweet in that he does whatever spirits do to food and then gives it back for Nene to actually eat the traditional way

Birdy — Today at 4:11 PM

Crying is healthy

dont be hanako

dont pack all those heavy feelings into a dense ball that will one day detonate

Amane "Give Up On Me Please Dear God" Yugi

Birdy — Today at 4:15 PM

I tend to imagine that Hanako considers his fate worse than death and worse than being gone forever, and at least in my writing, part of why he refuses to acknowledge his feelings for Nene is because he's afraid her liking him will tether her to the near shore when she dies and she'll be like him, unable to move on, existing miserable here forever

and he doesnt want that for her

that's why it's so so so important to Hanako that she doesn't die and she grows up and has loads of experiences and loves people who arent him and never ever thinks about him once she leaves the school

My man is lonely and it's terminal

Birdy — Today at 4:32 PM

and he wants to go so badly because he thinks he's bad for Nene and Kou

but he also wants nothing more than to stay with them and play every day forever

and theyre gonna grow up without him

Birdy — Today at 4:39 PM

so whether he sticks around or rids them of himself, he feels like there's no winning

alone forever is the name of the game

Birdy — Today at 5:01 PM

I tend to characterize Hanako's life as deeply codependent. Tsukasa made it difficult for Hanako to form other relationships and that lack of outside relationships made Hanako even more dependent on his relationship with Tsukasa despite how unhinged Tsukasa's behavior came to be.   On the one hand killing Tsukasa completely freed him from the one force in his life that isolated him from everything. On the other hand killing Tsukasa took away the person who Hanako believed was the only person who could possibly love him. The only person he felt ever did love him.

AND YOU KNOW 60 years on his own has really helped with that but some old habits die hard. He’s not out here embracing the kinship that’s available to him.

Birdy — Today at 5:01 PM

I don't know that Hanako has a clear sense of a what a healthy relationship feels like

which maybe explains his lack of boundaries and the lack of care he has for others' feelings, particularly early in the story

These things weren’t focal points in the singular primary relationship he built his life around

So he's out here dead af and nothing matters and yet he's still trying to live. He's still trying to learn these things and figure out how to be a good friend even though he has no reason to since his life is well past over.  All the brooding and being difficult and being unwilling to connect is kind of an expression of these growing pains, I think. At least sometimes.  

He wants connection more than anything, but he sees himself as undeserving of it. Worse, he sees himself as something that can taint the living, so it’s hard to chase those friendships even though he’s absolutely desperate for them.