#i have a dear friend in kentucky her birthday was yesterday

[storm-of-feathers]

no I'm serious I hope mitch mcconnell dies

[mirroring-mirrors]

Heathers (1989) Sentence Starters!

Dear Diary...

Real life sucks losers dry.

If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.

You're beautiful!

What is your damage?

Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?

Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

Think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.

I was looking around the other day and I dug up.. these old photographs.

I was talking to somebody.

Check this out. You win five million dollars from the Publisher's Sweepstakes, and the same day that what’s-his-face gives you the check, aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. What do you do?

Why can't we talk to different kinds of people?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

Do I look like Mother Theresa?

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?

What are you gonna do with the money?

I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face and have her ride like the Kentucky derby..

That's gotta be the most spooky-assed question I ever heard.

You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

You used to have a sense of humour.

You know, maybe you should see a doctor.

God, _____, drool much?

Greetings and salutations. 

There are no stupid questions.

That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Let's kick his ass!

We're too old for that kinda crap.

You gonna eat this?

What'd you say, dickhead?

Can you bleach out urine stains?

I thought you had given up on high school guys.

Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast? 

So, tonight's the night. Are you excited?

You blow it tonight, and it's "keggers with kids" all next year.

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?

Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.

Are you gonna pull a super-chug with that?

If you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie.

I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

Yeah well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

Did you say a cherry or coke slushie?

Is your life perfect?

I don't really like my friends.

Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

I want to kill, and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons

So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

How's my little cheerleader, huh? 

Come on, now look, I don't feel so good, okay?

Hey, let's do it on the coats, it'll be excellent, huh?

You know, I have a little prepared speech for my suitor when he wants more than I'm prepared to give him.

Save the speeches for Malcolm X. 

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

I sound like a fucking psycho!

You stupid fuck!

You goddamn bitch!

You were nothing before you met me.

Lick it up, baby. Lick.. it.. up..!

Monday morning, you're history.

I'll tell everyone about tonight. 

Dreadful etiquette, I apologise.

I saw the croquet set-up in the back. You up for a match?

Thank you, that was my first game of strip croquet.  

I use my grand IQ to decide what colour gloss to wear, and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

I say we just grow up, be adults and die. 

I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.

Don't be a dick. 

I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

How the hell didcha get in here?

What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it or something?

I'm not gonna drink that piss.

Grow up!

You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken? 

Just give me the cup, jerk. 

I just killed my best friend.

What're we gonna tell the cops?

I can't believe this is my life.

I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

At least you got whatcha wanted, y'know?

It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

We did a murder, and that's a crime

You might think what I've done is shocking -

People think that just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and  fun.

I die knowing no-one knew the real me.

Have you done this before?

Keep things business as usual.

We must revel in this revealing moment. 

You call me when the shuttle lands.

Where's your urge to purge?

Sorry to hear about your friend. 

Let's talk emotions.

Are we going to be tested on this?

How many networks did you run to?

What're you talking about? You hated her, she hated you.

Gosh, pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

Goddamn will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?

I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.

Jesus, God in Heaven, why didcha kill such hot snatch? 

Jeez, people are so serious.

Hi, I'm sorry. 

I just want my high school to be a nice place. 

Did that sound bitchy?

So, we on tonight, man, or what?

That pudwacker just stepped on my foot.

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

Sorry, I'm feeling a little superior tonight.  

Seven schools in seven states, and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Our love is God.

Let's go get a slushie.

The funeral yesterday must really have been rough, eh?

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

I left them drunk and flailing in cow shit.

No, don't shut up, I'd like to know exactly what I did.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either, I just guess my emotions took over...

I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen?

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once. 

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Do you take German?

Tell me the similarity is not incredible.

The joy we shared in each others arms was greater than any touch down, yet we were forced to live the lives of sexist, beer guzzling jock assholes.

I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

So, should I just whip it out, or...?

I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport?

Did you miss him completely?

Hey, I heard something out there, I'm checking it out.

Does this answer your question?

You believed it, because you wanted to believe it.  

Your true feelings were to gross and icky for you to face.

I did not want them dead!

My teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Are we going to prom or to hell?

I've seen a lot of bullshit. 

Is this as good for you as it is for me?

I need a copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

It was chaos, fucking chaos.

Chaos is great!  

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

We scare people into not being assholes!

God, you can be so immature!

Hey, they're playing our song!

That's it! We're breaking up!

You can't bring them back, you must know that.

I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool!

Blow up a couple of toasters or something.

Kind of scary though that everybody has got a little story to tell. 

What is this? Blackmail?

I'll ask you to do me a favour, it'll be one you'll enjoy.

Don't you start getting cocky on me now.

Do you know I'm still a virgin?

Nice guys finish last. I should know.

Are you telling me this is not a time for troubled youth?

I don't patronise bunny rabbits!

I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

You were out of control!

Hey babe, I need a name.

God has cursed me, I think.

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

That's about the least private thing I can think of.

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

If you're happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

What do you say we knock off early and buy some shoes or something lame like that?

People love me!

People love you, but I know you. 

Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.

Don't talk to me like that, OK?

Jealous much?

Why are you such a mega bitch?

Want to go out tonight? Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf?

I knew you'd be back... I knew it.

You were wrong, and I was right!                

You've been depressed lately. 

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho! 

Do you think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel?

You're not a rebel, you're a fucking psychotic!

What do you think I'm gonna do with it? Take out their tonsils?

I've got a meaningful marked-up Moby Dick, what else does a suicide need? 

Is this turning out weak, or what?

My afterlife is so boring.

If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

I loved you! Sure, I was coming up here to kill you...

Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. 

Talk about your suicide pacts, eh?

What do they want, a written invitation?

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Put your hands on your head.

Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it?

I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God!

How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?

You want a clean slate as much as I do. 

The only place where different social types genuinely can get along with each other is in heaven.

Do you know what I'd love, babe? Cool guys like you out of my life.

You've got power... Power I didn't think you had.

Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

You look like hell!

My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me...

I was wondering, if you aren't doing anything, maybe we could rent some new releases? Pop some popcorn?

[banalpal]

2018 Review

This is going to be pretty long, but I wanted to just go through my year month by month in a really candid way. 

January

I started out my year trying to re-invent myself. I had a quaint little apartment, and I wanted to start blogging (here) and vlogging (youtube). I wanted to be organized and on-trend. Early in the month, my band worked really hard on producing our single in preparation for its release on Valentine’s Day. 

I ended a toxic relationship with a guy I really loved, and that was hard to do right off the bat in 2018, but I was determined to get better. I started spending a lot of time with my roommates and other friends. I wrote this reflection in my journal in January: 

“I’m so glad I spent time with Kendyl, Daria, Jacob and Kaleb. I’m very pleased with the amount of homework I’ve accomplished and that I have gone to my classes AND begun to exercise!”

This is one of my favorite photos taken in January. I was really down about losing a close friend, and I went to an ice cream/live band karaoke event at my college. A few friends and I started spontaneously dancing to Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA,” and I had a ton of fun. 

Lucky me! In the span of a week, one of my close friends, Jacob, asked me to be his girlfriend, AND my best friend came to surprise visit from Kentucky. 

This is my best friend, Connor! 

February

February was truly a bit of a mad-dash of always trying to rehearse for my upcoming senior recital, while balancing my schoolwork, 5 jobs (really!), my friendships, and navigating my new relationship. 

Somehow, I managed to pull through and make it to Daria (my roomate)’s birthday party, audition for commencement concert, introduce Jacob to my family, and I even took a trip down to St. Louis to visit my dear friends Luke and Alyssa, while also getting to see Jacob’s WGI competition. I was even on an intramural volleyball team!

March

March taught me much about failure. I had been practicing night and day for my recital. It was supposed to be shared with my friend Nathan, on March 26th. I failed my recital hearing a week prior, and had to reschedule for April. You may be thinking, “big deal,” but I had never honestly put in the work for something and just failed. There were times in my life where I hadn’t put forward my best effort and then not accomplished my goal, but this was the first time I had really worked for something and then failed anyway. It was extremely disappointing, but even in the midst of my hard work and failure, there was time for smiles. I spent quite a bit of time in Michigan meeting Jacob’s family for the first time, I learned how to shoot a gun, and I performed in 4 concerts despite my recital being postponed. 

April

If you thought March was wild, well hold onto your hats! In April, I was out of town the 1st-2nd, 6th-9th, 16th-17th, 20th-23rd, and 29th-30th. In that time, I also had to perform my senior recital, direct my drama class showcase, and take all of my finals. Here’s an excerpt from my planner that month:

“This was hands-down the most stressful month of my life. I was traveling nonstop. I truly don’t think I could’ve done it any differently, but I certainly don’t wish to repeat it.” 

My sister Phoebe turned 3!

The awesome group of students I got to travel with all those times!

Some friends and I at our volunteer showcase!

I got to go with my best friends to Senior Banquet.

I surprised Jacob in Ohio for his birthday; he had no idea and it was a great day. Totally worth it to be there for him.

I got to sing in chapel for the first time during our last week of school. It was such an amazing experience to do it with some of my best friends!

My wonderful friends from praise team and I after my senior recital! It was so fun to get all dressed up and show everyone what I’ve been studying for 3 years! I wore the same dress to sing in commencement concert.

May

Ahh. May. Such an incredible release from the tension that had built up over the late winter/early spring. I opted out of my choir trip which was sad, but I needed to spend the money on some summer courses. I only traveled a little with the praise team. I was honored with the privilege of singing a solo at our Baccalaureate service. I got to spend so much time with family, too!

My birthday!

Some awesome friends at our senior class event! We released paper lanterns.

Just before the Baccalaureate service. I had allergic conjunctivitis but my friends and family were so helpful with the eyedrops!

My close friends from home celebrating my birthday!

June

June was bittersweet. A wonderful month with wonderful weather, but my dear Great Aunt Ann passed away. It was hard on my family, especially my grandmother. Ann was so positive until her last breath, and an inspiration for me to live my life to the fullest.

I ran my first race ever, a 5k, in honor of my friend Cheyenne who passed away from osteosarcoma. 

I went to Cedar Point for the first time! It was rainy, but we had so much fun!

We had a great Father’s Day weekend.

Jacob surprised me with tickets to my first ever baseball game! We had seats right above the dugout for the opposing team. There were peanuts everywhere, but I lived!

Gus and I had a great time at Prairiefest!

Not pictured: applied for and accepted a position as music teacher at Parkview Christian (more on that later)!

July

More summer shenanagins!

I took my final trip with Praise! 

Independence Day was spent with close friends!

My great uncle retired and we got to sing “Yesterday” by the Beatles together.

We had some family visit from Florida and we got to go to the Field Museum in Chicago. It was my first time (that I can remember).

The lovely Jen Heim did our family portraits and they turned out absolutely beautiful!

Here’s me doing... yep, you guessed it! goat yoga.

August

August is where the rubber really met the road for me. I had to grow up so quickly. It was like life just smacked me in the face, and I had to decide what kind of person I was going to be moving forward. So, I decided to be the best version of me I could possibly be. I didn’t get there, and I’m still not there, but I’m sure as heck trying.

I started my first full-time job as a music teacher. I way underestimated how difficult it would be. I’m so thankful for the job and for the opportunity, but I won’t lie, it’s been a scary and difficult transition. I feel I was very underprepared for the job and very overwhelmed by it, but I made it through the month alive, with a lot of things learned. 

I got to see my first DCI competition with some friends from Olivet!

Through the hardship, I was so thankful to be leading worship 5 times a week at that point. I needed the constant lyrical reminders of God’s faithfulness in all situations.

I got a haircut to make myself feel good. It worked.

I got to sing at my lovely friend Alyssa’s wedding!

My car was totaled in an accident that wasn’t my fault. Just another thing in the dumpster fire that was my life!

I got one relaxing trip to SBR with my highschool students. It was so needed!

September

When life gives you lemons, sometimes making lemonade takes too long and you need to just eat them plain.

I lost a lot in September. My identity was no longer as a worship leader, a college student, a singer/performer, a girlfriend, and probably half a dozen other things I’ve forgotten about. I had to start finding another identity: one marked by my traits alone, and not my circumstances.

I lost a lot of weight. It was time to take control of my situation and my health! I didn’t want to wait for the new year to have a new me.

I paid cash for a new (to me) car! It sucked that I had this expense out of nowhere, but it felt great to be able to afford it.

My favorite thing about myself in hardships is how inspiring it is. Whenever life gets me down, God gives me a song to sing. It reminds me of one of my favorite Psalms:

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; He set my feet upon a rock, and made my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”

I’m so glad for all the creativity He gave me that month.

My best friend had a murder themed birthday party, of course! I was Courtney Love because... duh. She totally killed Kurt Cobain.

My brother, the soccer star.

Spending time with old friends at the Sandwich Fair!

Unfortunately, it was time for me to give up my position at First Baptist of Kankakee. I loved my church so much, and I still adore the people there, but I knew it was time for me to move on and meet other Christians in my area. I still hold them so dearly in my heart!

It felt so good to start gigging again, too! I played with my band, Vinyl Fox, twice, and with another combo with some friends from college. 

October

I got to go back down to Olivet for Homecoming weekend! 

My friend Ricky and I went to a banquet (for my friend from THE CHURCH I JOINED)!

My family at Halloween!

Pumpkin patch with the kiddos!

Luckily, my job became easier with time. I also started grad school! 

Gus, being a star.

November

A total blast. I spent so much time improving myself and becoming the person I want to be! It feels GREAT!

I got to spend so much time climbing at First Ascent. My climbing partner and I started actually leading routes this month and we progressed so much! I conquered a lot of fear in that area. I also met my friend Celeste! (The girl in the picture with me).

Alex Molica did a makeup demonstration on me, and I was thriving.

My family had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving in DISNEY WORLD!! So cool!! 

I spent so much time in the city! I kind of fell in love with the train rides home at night. I visited friends (and Sophie, my sister), participated in my first beginner comp (The Humblodt Rumble), did the Sendsgiving challenge (and WON a prize!), and even got to bring my cousin climbing with me!

December

DECEMBER. How could the year have come to a close so quickly? Well, I’m certainly not where I thought I’d end up. My vision for my life and for my future has gone through incredibly major shifts over and over again this year. But then I finally realized, I don’t know what the future holds, and I can’t know. So I need to just stop trying to know. It’s time to let go. I had been holding onto some things so tightly in my life this year - things that were really precious to me - and by doing so, I choked them out. This month I feel I’ve finally settled more into my adult life. It’s truly surreal to have just released songs (that will get its own blog post later), for real this time. I got to see one of my favorite bands, WALKTHEMOON. I celebrated a close friend’s wedding! I even directed all of the Christmas programs at school (while incredibly sick) and they went well! 

WALKTHEMOON!

Gus’ first Ninja Warrior competition!

Yes, I changed my hair again. What can I say? I get a rush from surprising people.

MY NEW MUSIC!!! (Thanks to Elijah Svoboda and Scott Miller! The best producers and musicians in the WORLD!)

Oh yeah, and I’m dog sitting for the holiday.

To wrap it all up and stick it under a tree, 

New year: better me. 

I can’t wait to keep learning and growing and changing in 2019. I’m so ready for whatever God brings my way!