#i have italian friends here but idk i still have these persistent feelings that i don't belong anywhere and it's the worst

[yukinyaminyato]

day no. ? of immense anxiety: start

[itsluhhhhh]

My success story

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Backstory/about me: So I’ve never posted on here before but i wanted to share my success story cause I’m insanely proud of myself and I wanna be able to motivate people to get their desires, just an introduction my names Alesha, im 15, im Italian and Brazilian and live in Australia, I got into manifestation in 2020 when law of attraction was popular I tried that but tbh I gave up but in 2021 I started learning about the law of assumption and that’s when I really got into it, tbh in 2022 I was a lazy bitch I didn’t affirm nothing and I was really depressed but I promised myself in 2023 everything would be different. All I did was affirm and persist I literally just persisted and persisted even when i didn’t have enough energy to do anything.

Appearance

I literally manifested a huge glow up and looking like my desired self WITHIN A WEEK mind you I never wanted to look like anyone else my desired self was just me but 10x better and with a few different features and y’all I literally had a huge glow up idk how I had this big of a glow up I was not expecting it and I look exactly how I’ve always wanted to look, I manifested black 3a/3b curly hair that’s super bouncy and perfect little ringlets and so shiny 😍, I manifested like insanely clear skin like my skin looks fake an I have tanned skin naturally and my skin tone is completely even now, my lips are a lot more juicy now and smooth, my waist is tiny and my ribcage even smaller, my butt is a-lot bigger now and I’m naturally skinny so it was always harder for me to gain weight but my butt is so big 🤭 and I got those sexy ass Kendall Jenner type legs now, I manifested like perfect eyebrows, my eyebrows literally look like they were just freshly waxed and my eyebrows are so full and arched now I love them, I manifested the curliest thickest LONGEST EYELASHES omfg my eyelashes look FAKE cus of how long and thick they are I deadass had my friend ask where I got my eyelashes done, I manifested getting my braces off and having the most perfect, straight, white, healthy teeth and the prettiest smile and I manifested being insanely gorgeous and pretty

Dream Life

I literally manifested my dream life, Im popular asf now and we haven’t even started back at school yet (in Australia we start school again January 30th) so I still have a week left of my school holidays and I’m so popular now I’ve got people asking to hangout everyday even tho I decline cus i hate going out 😭 and I’m literally everyone’s favourite now, I’m the family favourite and my friends favourite and idk how to describe it my life just keeps getting better and better like my life genuinely improves in every aspect every single day, my home life is perfect like we all get along and we have the best time ever, they are so lenient and chill I’m deadass allowed to do whatever I want and I’m talking to my desired person again but I’m gonna manifest having a secret relationship with him cus i don’t want anyone knowing 🤭 I’ve got my first job and bitch I’m making BANK im making a lot of money 😫 and my life has just genuinely gotten so much fucking better

Mindset

Pretty simple, I manifested a perfect mindset, a perfect self concept, I rarely get negative thoughts anymore I’ve got a very clear mind like I can think really clearly now and I know my power cus well I literally manifested all my desires like it was nothing, I manifest anything I want instantly, I’m a master manifester etc

If I can do it u can do it too trust me Ik what it feels like to not be motivated or have enough energy to get out of bed and ik what it feels like to be anxious and depressed but it is so so worth it when u finally start living the life u deserve and it can be hard at times but as long as u persist you’ll get there it’s literally law, there’s no point moping around being a victim because no one else is gonna fix ur life and manifest ur desires for u, it’s all up-to you. Anyways I hope this post motivated you to persist for ur desires, have great 😽 love y’all 🫶🏼

[hagiographically]

good things about study abroad

because im tired of being so negative all the time

anyone who knows this blog knows me as someone who complains often. but to tell you the truth its kind of draining. i hate being happy because it feels risky, it feels like i have something to lose. if im always complaining its easy to be flippant and act like nothing bothers me because, well, i didnt expect it to be good in the first place. i got to the point where i would resent happiness in others as if its a limited resource. it still feels like one to me, even though i guess i know it isnt. but these thoughts wont go away by themselves, they only go away through actions. if i make myself happier (or as happy as i can be without miss serotonin perpetually ghosting me) maybe i would be less resentful of others and more appreciative of positiveness (apparently positivity isnt a word. hm. who knew) in all its forms. 

i complained a lot about study abroad till i was there, even up till i left. when i told my mom i missed florence she said, “youre always like this, you dont like things until you dont have them anymore and then you miss them” because i’m like that with stanford when i’m home and i’m like that with home when i’m at stanford. being happy where i am is the same risk i talked about before. and i’m a writer, anyway, i like when things end because i can think them over in full. being in the middle of something is too much flux, too many opportunities for jinxing. best to wait until it ends and reconvene those thoughts.

anyway, everyone knows about my complaining, because the issues ive always had continued to persist, just in a different language. but looking back, i am grateful i went to florence. it wasnt the perfect idyllic experience i was promised by my friends who went (i knew it wouldnt be, because im me, and perfection and outright happiness doesnt happen for me. i get in my own way) but that doesnt mean i didnt have a handful of good things that i picked up along the way. and i dont talk enough about that handful. so i wanted to record it here. study abroad wasnt perfect but it was mine, and even though i left physically and emotionally exhausted, and i cant and wouldnt do it again for a long time, im glad it happened.

i got really good at italian. and more than that, going into a country where you dont speak the language, and watching yourself grow into a speaker, is transcendent. it was so amazing seeing myself evolve. i would go out to restaurants just so i could talk to the waiters in italian and it was wonderful i got so many “brava”s when i told them i had only been a student for a couple of months and i just ? missed being quantifiably (also not a word, damn) good at something where outside people see me as good ! amazing

i had several late night talks with my housemate who was also a woc and we complained about white men and we talked about racism and she is just really cool and smart. she would really like when i’d do impressions of the people in the program

some of the people in the program were incredibly sweet and somehow didnt see me as flaming garbage (???) and i wouldnt have met them otherwise. i do hope we at least attempt to stay in touch next year.

i traveled A Fuckton. yeah sometimes i wish i stayed in florence more but i got to explore venice, rome, milan, bologna, every town in cinque terre, naples, capri, sorrento, verona, lake garda, caserta, paris, geneva, pisa, lucca, siena, and the vatican……not bad. and i did get to see most of the main haunts in florence (duomo, palazzo pitti, piazzale michelangelo, uffizi, other museums etc)

having a disorder sux but it definitely quelled my urges for italian food for a long time (silver lining?)

i bought some really cute clothes that flatter me a lot and that arent restricted to my current body type !~! and that i can wear this summer at the ford

my host parents were absolutely angelic. i love them so much even now. they treated us like daughters. actually, the living situation was good - i lived with two housemates in an apartment close to my host parents, whereas most people live With their host parents in the same apartment. for a socially awkward depressed disordered bastard like yours truly, thats not ideal. but i got on with my housemates well, they were both down to earth and pretty quiet so we all coexisted pretty normally. but i miss my host parents!! i was the most talkative of all of us and i would always talk to them and hear their opinions on art and travel and stuff

being a woman in italy surprisingly did not hinder me the way i thought it would. i felt safe nearly all the time and no one bothered me. weird male privilege?? idk but it was neato to come home at 1:30am in rome and be completely safe. i got independent as fuck and i do think i got more confident in myself (depression had eroded me to the point where i was already pretty confident because i lost all ability to give a fuck and my malnourished brain couldnt comprehend caring about things, but another silver lining i suppose)

florence is the most beautiful city and it got touristy at the end but i loved it!! seeing hordes of people at the church by my house (santa croce) because they love italy and traveling and art as much as i do. bellissima