#i have no idea why the readmore isnt showing up in mobile

[twifeordeath]

Twife or Death: Lesbian Twilight Chapter 15

Updated as of 6-4-17 (previous) (all chapters)

 All rights belong to Stephenie Meyer, and this project is non-profit and fan entertainment.Thank you to Laura G, Devyn L, Birdy E, Naoya, Liz B, Caitlin L, Jordyn, Breanna P, Amanda L, Gabrielle P, Nobbie A, Tori K, goddessayem, smallnark, Julia F, Mol M, Dyma S, Rose I, Tess KC, Maria K, Rachel E, Kathleen K, Katie G, Brittany E, Elizabeth E, Imp, Amy L, Robin SG, and the project admin Alina G.

 Chapter 15. THE CULLENS

The muted light of yet another cloudy day woke me. I lay with my arm across my eyes, groggy and dazed. A pleasant, foggy memory stirred in my consciousness, like a dream trying to be remembered. I groaned and rolled onto my side, hoping more sleep would come. Then the previous day flooded my memories.

 "Oh!" I sat up so fast it made my head spin.

 "Good morning sleeping beauty." Her soft voice came from the rocking chair in the corner.

"Edythe! You stayed!" I cried, and threw myself across the room and into her lap, startling her. In the instant that my thoughts caught up with my actions, I froze, shocked by my own uncontrolled enthusiasm. She just laughed.

 "Of course," she answered, seeming pleased by my reaction. Her hands rubbed my back. I laid my head against her shoulder, breathing in the smell of her.

 "I was sure it was a dream."

 "I’m not that rude to ditch you in the middle of the night," she scoffed.

 I tilted my head up, wanting to kiss her. Then I remembered the unfortunate problem called morning breath.

 “I need a minute to get ready,” I said, pulling myself out of her arms.

 She shrugged. “I’ll wait.”

 I practically skipped to the bathroom, giddy, and I found myself facing a stranger in the mirror. My eyes were too bright, and there were shades of blush on my cheeks that were apparent even with my dark skin. I worked to make sense of the chaos that was my hair. I brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water. I tried to breathe normally, tried to calm the bubbling happiness inside of me with no noticeable success. I half-ran back to my room.

 She was there, waiting patiently in the rocking chair. She reached out to me, and my heart thumped unsteadily.

 "Welcome back," she murmured, taking me into her arms. I eased my head onto her chest as calmly as I could, trying hard to ignore the butterflies inside.

 We sat in each other’s arms, enjoying the other’s company without a need for words. I noticed that her clothes were changed and her hair combed smooth.

 "You left?" I asked, touching the collar of her fresh shirt.

 Her fingers found mine as she grinned. "I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbors think?"

 I laughed. “Always thinking ahead—” I looked away, face already flaming from my next words, “—that’s what I love about you.”

 She blinked, then giggled. I glanced at her. Her golden eyes were very soft, “I love you too, Bella.”

 “So, breakfast?” I ventured. She nodded, and we headed down the stairs, hand in hand.

 Charlie had already left for work, so it was just me and her. The kitchen was bright and happy, reflecting my mood.

 "What's for breakfast?" I asked pleasantly.

 That threw her for a minute.

 "Er, I'm not sure. What would you like?" Her brow crinkled.

 I grinned. "That's all right, I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt." I hopped up from my seat as she rolled her eyes.

 I found a bowl and a box of cereal. I could feel her eyes on me as I poured the milk and grabbed a spoon. It made me wonder if I was being rude, not offering my guest anything. I sat my food on the table, and then paused.

 "Can I get you anything?" I asked, just for the sake of politeness.

 "No, it’s okay, Bella. Eat.”

 I sat at the table, watching her as I took a bite. She was gazing at me with a smile. I cleared my throat to distract her.

 "What's on the agenda for today?" I asked.

 "Hmmm…" I watched her frame her answer carefully. "Would you like to meet my family?"

 I gulped.

 “Are we already at that stage of the relationship?" This made her giggle. “I- I don’t know how I feel about the idea.”

 "Are you afraid of them?" She sounded worried. “They won’t hurt you, and you don’t have to go if you don’t feel comfortable.”

 "I'm not afraid of them," I explained. "I'm afraid they won't… like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone… a human… home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

 "Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know," she smiled, "on whether you’d come over, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, since we’ve known and trusted each other for hundreds of years."

 "Did Alice see me coming?"

 Her reaction was strange. "Something like that," she said uncomfortably, turning away so I couldn't see her eyes. I stared at her curiously.

 "I’d like to meet your mother too..."

 "You already met," I reminded her.

 "As your girlfriend, I mean."

 I stared at her with surprise. "Would you like to? I mean, are you okay with..."

 "Isn't that customary?" she asked shyly.

 "I don't know. I think Charlie would be happy," I admitted. My dating history gave me few reference points to work with.

 "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to… I mean, you don't have to…”" I searched for the word. “You don’t have to expose yourself for me. Your family took pains to blend in, and officially becoming my girlfriend might make that difficult.”

 Her smile was patient. "I’ll be alright, don’t worry."

 I pushed the remains of my cereal around the edges of the bowl, biting my lip.

 "You don’t have to tell Charlie if it makes you nervous." She said gently. “But I would love to be your girlfriend to your mother, not just a classmate.”

 "Does that make us official?" I suppressed the sudden thrill in my chest, heart beating fast again.

 She frowned. "Wait. I thought we were already dating."

 “Were we?” I looked at her with innocent eyes. “Neither of us never actually asked.”

 The dawning horror on her face made me giggle. “I’m not used to this,” she said, exasperated. “I got excited and assumed… oh my god…”

 "I was under the impression that you were something more, actually," I confessed, looking at the table to save her the embarrassment.

 "Well..." Edythe paused, then faced me awkwardly. I cupped my chin in my hands and waited. "Bella Swan,” she said slowly, “would you be my girlfriend?"

 "Maybe." I said, mischievously. "Will you be my girlfriend??"

 "As long as you want me," she answered, grinning in turn.

 "I'll have to think about it," I said, pretending to be hard to get.

 She walked slowly around the table to where I was sitting, and, pausing next to me, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I tried to stay still, not to show any signs that my heart rate jumped with her touch.

 “Does that help to convince you?” Her murmur was soft in my ears.

 I turned my head so I could fully see her face, and pecked her on the lips. “Yup.”

 I could see in her expression that she had expected it, but was not prepared for it. She stared into my face for a while, her expression a mix of adoration and bashfulness. Then she realized I could see it, and quickly turned away with an embarrassed clearing of her throat.

 “Are you finished?” She finally asked.

 I jumped up. “Yes.”

 “You should go get dressed. I’ll, uh, wait here.” She still refused to look at me. If only she wasn’t undead, I thought to myself. I would have loved to see her flustered blush.

 It was hard to decide what to wear. I doubted there were any etiquette books detailing how to dress when your vampire girlfriend takes you home to meet her vampire family. I wondered if I wasn’t the only one who have faced this predicament. The thought of another girl with a vampire girlfriend, struggling to dress to impress the future in-laws, made me laugh and cheered me enormously.

 I ended up black jeans, the ones that had the least tears in them, and a dark blue plaid button-up she’d once complimented. A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail.

 "Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."

 She was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I'd thought, and I bounded right into her. She steadied me, holding me steady for a few moments to see if I was dizzy, and then with a  smile pulled me closer.

 "Wrong again," she murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

 It seems I could feel my blush spread all the way to my ears as I ducked my head. Ignoring myself, I huffed, “You just asked me out a few minutes ago, and now you’re trying to seduce me? You’re more of a U-Haul girl than I expected.”

 She snorted, then pressed her lips delicately to my forehead.

 "Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" she said, winking. It was clearly a rhetorical question. Her fingers traced slowly down my spine, her breath coming tenderly against my skin. I wrapped my arms around her neck and looked in her golden eyes. She tilted her head slowly and touched her lips to mine, very carefully, parting them slightly.

 I pretended to swoon, hand to forehead and everything.

 "Bella?" Her voice was half-laughing  as she caught me and held me up.

 "You… made… me… faint," I accused her.

 "What am I going to do with you?" she groaned in joking exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you’re passing out on me!"

 I laughed, letting her arms support me as I leaned against her.

 "So much for being good at everything," she sighed.

 "That's the problem." I touched her lips with my finger. "You're too good. Far, far too good."

 "Should I not kiss you again then?" she asked; she already knew what my answer was.

 I pouted. "I just forgot to breathe that time. That doesn’t mean you should stop.”

 "I can't take you anywhere like this."

 "I'll be fine," I said. “I’ll remember to breathe next time.”

 Edythe smiled at me, immeasurable fondness in her eyes.. "You’re very cute when you’re cheeky," she said unexpectedly. I felt my face flush, and looked away.

 "Look.” I took a deep breath, then let it out. “If you want to go meet your family, we should go. At this rate I’m afraid I might stay here with you all day. Unless you’d like to—?” I raised an eyebrow.

 She studied my face. "I can see your bravado, you know.”

 “You could tell?”

 ”You're still worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

 "That's right," I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at her casual use of the word.

 Edythe shook her head with a smile. "You're incredible." She touched my cheek gently. “They’ll love you, don’t worry.”

 I bit my lips and nodded. She offered me her hand and I gratefully accepted it, then we walked out to the car.

 I realized, as she drove us out of the main part of town, that I had no idea where she lived. We passed over the bridge at the Calawah River, the road winding northward, the houses flashing past us growing farther apart, getting bigger. And then we were past the other houses altogether, driving through a misty forest. I was trying to decide whether to ask or be patient when she turned abruptly onto an unpaved road. It was unmarked, barely visible among the ferns. The forest encroached on both sides, leaving the road ahead only discernible for a few meters as it twisted, serpentlike, around the ancient trees.

 And then, after a few miles, there was some thinning of the woods, and we were suddenly in a small meadow, or was it actually a lawn? The gloom of the forest didn't relent, though, for there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweep of branches. The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.

 I had expected a castle like those in Dracula movies, completed with thunder and ominous music, or maybe a log cabin for something this far into the woods, but it definitely wasn't that. The house was peaceful, lovely, and three stories tall. The color was a soft shade of white that complemented the surrounding palette of brown wood and leafy greens. The wide windows and door designs were tastefully chosen to match the atmosphere of the surrounding woods, of a newer construction style. My truck was the only car in sight, but I saw garage doors on the bottom story. I could hear the river close by, hidden in the obscurity of the forest.

 "Wow."

 "Do you like it?" Edythe asked nervously.

 "It’s very charming."

 She breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently I wasn’t the only one worried about me coming here.

 Edythe got out first, then walked over to my side of the car. "Ready?" she asked, opening my door for me.

 "Not even a little bit — let's go." I took a deep breath, but it seemed to get stuck in my throat. I touched my hair nervously.

 "You look lovely." She took my hand easily, without thinking about it.

 We walked through the deep shade up to the porch. I knew she could feel my tension; her thumb rubbed soothing circles into the back of my hand.

 She opened the door for me.

 The inside was a continuation of the feel of the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large. This must have originally been several rooms, but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. The back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. A massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. The walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of being and brown. Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edythe's parents. From the way they stood, I realized they must have made an effort to plan out their exact position and pose. Their expressions, when Edythe first opened the door, were the perfect masks of patience. Then they saw me, and the excitement leapt into their faces. I realized then that I had nothing to fear from Edythe’s parents. My nervousness evaporated, and I stepped forward to greet them.

 I'd seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn't help but be struck again by her youth, the lack of lines and wrinkles expected of a woman of her supposed age. At her side was Esme, I assumed, the only one of the family I'd never seen before. Esme was an Indian woman, with the same golden eyes and dark circles surrounding them as the rest of Cullens. Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, dark hair, reminded me of the quiet elegance of the silent-movie era. She was small and slender next to her tall, broad wife. They smiled warmly at me, but made no move to approach us. Trying not to frighten me, I guessed.

 "Carine, Esme," Edythe's voice broke the short silence, "this is Bella."

 "You're very welcome, Bella." Carine's step was measured, careful as she approached me. She raised her hand tentatively, and I stepped forward to shake hands with her.

 "It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."

 "Please, call me Carine."

 "Carine." I repeated, smiling at her. I could feel Edythe's relief at my side.

 Esme smiled and stepped forward as well, reaching for my hand. Her kindly grasp was just as I expected.

 "It's very nice to meet you," she said sincerely. “I was wondering when Edythe would bring you over.”

 "Thank you. I'm glad to meet you, too." And I was. I couldn’t remember, why had I been afraid of the disapproval of Edythe’s parents? They were just reacting like Renee and Charlie might if it was me bringing Edythe home. I saw only warmth and love in their eyes.

 "Where are Alice and Jasper?" Edythe asked, but no one answered, as they had just appeared at the top of the wide staircase.

 "Hey, Edythe!" Alice called enthusiastically. She ran down the stairs, a streak of black hair and brown skin, coming to a sudden and graceful stop in front of me. Carine and Esme shot warning glances at her, but I liked it. It felt natural — for her, anyway.

 "Hi, Bella!" Alice said, and she bounced forward to kiss my cheek. If Carine and Esme had looked cautious before, they now looked shocked.

 Alice was so cheerful I couldn’t help but smile. Carine and Esme, noticing my pleased expression, relaxed considerably.

 "You look great," she commented, to my extreme embarrassment.

 Jasper stood a few feet back behind Alice — tall and leonine. A feeling of ease spread through me, and I was more comfortable. Edythe stared at Jasper, raising one eyebrow, and I remembered what Jasper could do.

 "Hello, Bella," Jasper said. She kept her distance, not offering to shake my hand. But it was impossible to feel awkward near her.

 "Hello, Jasper." I smiled at her shyly, and then at the others. "It's nice to meet you all — you have a very beautiful home," I added conventionally.

 "Thank you," Esme said. "We're so glad that you came." She spoke with affection, and I realized I was already included in the family.

 Rosalie and Eleanor were nowhere to be seen, and I wondered about Edythe's too-innocent denial when I'd asked her if the others didn't like me.

 Carine's expression distracted me from this train of thought; she was gazing meaningfully at Edythe with an intense expression. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edythe nod once.

 I looked away, trying to be polite and leave them to their mental conversation. My eyes wandered again to the beautiful instrument on the platform by the door. I remembered my childhood fantasy that, should I ever win a lottery, I would buy a grand piano for Renée. She wasn't a professional — she only played for herself on our secondhand upright — but I loved to watch her play. She was happy when she was by the piano, absorbed in the music — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the "mom" persona I took for granted. She'd put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.

 Esme noticed my interest.

 "Do you play?" she asked, inclining her head toward the piano.

 I shook my head. "Not at all. My mom, Renee, does though. It's so beautiful. Is it yours?"

 "Used to be," she laughed. "My interest have always been more in much, much older musical instruments, preferably from old civilizations. Carine and Jasper dabble, but it’s mostly Edythe’s now. Did Edythe tell you she was musical?"

 "No." I glanced at her. "I thought she would have accidentally broken it."

 Esme raised her eyebrows in confusion.

 "Edythe can stop a van, right?" I explained.

 Jasper snickered and Esme gave Edythe a reproving look.

 "I hope you haven't been showing off— it's rude," Esme scolded.

 "Just a bit," Edythe laughed freely. Her face softened at the sound, and they shared a brief look of affection.

 "She's been too modest, actually," I said. “I wish I could have heard her play.”

 "Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.

 "You just said showing off was rude," Edythe objected.

 "There are exceptions to every rule," Esme replied promptly.

 "I'd like to hear you play," I innocently volunteered, trying not to giggle.

 "It's settled then." Esme nudged Edythe toward the piano, who rolled her eyes then took a seat. I hesitated, standing next to the piano. Then Edythe motioned me towards the spot on the bench next to her, and I shyly sat down.

 She gave me a dramatic exasperated yet teasing look before she turned to the keys. And then her fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory and the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played. I felt myself lean closer to her, my eyes transfixed upon her hands on the keys.

 Edythe looked at me casually, the music still surging around us without a break, and winked. "Do you like it?"

 "You wrote this?" I gasped, understanding.

 She nodded. "It's Esme's favorite."

 I closed my eyes, drinking in the sound with every part of my being.

 The music slowed, transforming into something softer, and to my surprise I detected the melody of her lullaby weaving through the profusion of notes.

 "You inspired this one," she said softly. The music grew unbearably sweet.

 I couldn't speak, but I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

 "They like you, you know," she said conversationally. "Esme especially."

 I glanced behind me, but the huge room was empty now.

 "Where did they go?"

 "Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose." That made me snort.

 Thinking of the Cullens reminded me of the two that weren’t here, and my doubts flooded back. I sighed. "They like me. But Rosalie and Eleanor…" I trailed off, not sure how to express my doubts.

 Her eyes widened. "I forgot to tell you," she said, stopping and hitting her forehead with her palm. "They’re not here not because of you."

 I pursed my lips skeptically. "Really?"

 "They’re with the Black pack," Edythe continued. “Julie and Sethe were helping Rosalie with fixing her car earlier. They’re testing it out right now; they’ll probably be back soon.”

 The Black pack? “Wait,” I furrowed my brows, “is there something I’m missing here?”

 “I think that’s something Julie should tell you herself,” Edythe replied.

 I had an inkling of what Edythe was hinting at, but let the subject drop. It would be better to hear it from Julie.

 “Are Rosalie and Eleanor truly alright with me, though?” I had to make sure.

 Edythe frowned. “Well, Eleanor thinks I’m nuts, rushing everything, but she doesn’t have a problem with you.  And Rosalie…” She struggled for a while. “Don’t worry about Rosalie.”

 "What is it that upsets her?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.

 She sighed deeply. "Rosalie struggles the most with… with what we are. She’s the most cautious out of all of us about not getting discovered, so she doesn’t trust you yet. And she’s a little jealous."

 "Rosalie is jealous of me?" I asked, surprised. I couldn’t think of a single reason why.

 "You're human. She wishes that she was human, too. Or still was." Edythe looked into my eyes. “Being a vampire isn’t exactly a blessing.”

 "What about Esme and Carine… ?" I asked, still slightly upset.

 Edythe took my hand in hers, reassuring me. "They’re happy to see me happy. Carine met you before, and has liked you since. They think you’re a trustworthy girl, and Esme is happy that I found someone who I love.” She smiled. “I wish you could have read their thoughts and saw how anxious and elated they were when we arrived. Guess parents don’t change whether they’re human or vampires."

 "And Alice seems very… enthusiastic."

 "Alice has her own way of looking at things," she said sheepishly.

 I laughed. “I like her.” I smiled at the memory of Carine and Esme’s shock at her greeting. "May I ask what Carine told you before?"

  "You noticed that, did you?"

 "You don’t have to tell me if it’s something private. I was only curious."

 She looked at me thoughtfully for a few seconds before answering. "She wanted to tell me some news — she didn't know if it was something we should share with you."

 "What is it? What’s wrong?"

 "Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here and who we are, and they're curious."

 "Vampires?"

 "Yes… well, they aren't like us, — in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but..."

 I shivered.

 “I won’t let anything happen to you,” she said firmly, arms coming to wrap around me. “My family will be on watch, as well as the Black pack.”

 I leaned into her shoulder, allowing myself to feel safe in her embrace. Finally, I said, “Your house isn’t what I expected at all.”

 "No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you," she continued slyly.

 I grinned, elbowing her ribs slightly. "The atmosphere so light… so open."

 She was more serious when she answered. "It's the one place we never have to hide."

 Edythe let go of me, though I continue to lean against her, to continue playing where she left off. The song she was still playing, my song, drifted to an end, the final chords shifting to a more melancholy key. The last note hovered poignantly in the silence.

 "Thank you," I murmured. I realized there were tears in my eyes. I dabbed at them, embarrassed.

 She touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. She lifted her finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly.

 I looked at her questioningly

 “Vampires can’t cry,” she answered. She looked back at me and smiled. "Do you want to see the rest of the house? The others are probably going to be back soon, you might not get a chance to see it then."

 "No coffins?" I asked.

 She laughed, taking my hand, leading me away from the piano. "No coffins," she promised.

 We walked up the massive staircase, my hand trailing along the satin-smooth rail. The long hall at the top of the stairs was paneled with a honey-colored wood, the same as the floorboards.

 "Rosalie and Eleanor's room… Carine's office… Alice's room…" She gestured as she led me past the doors.

 She would have continued, but I stopped dead at the end of the hall, staring incredulously at the ornament hanging on the wall above my head.

 Edythe chuckled at my bewildered expression.

 "You can laugh," she said. "It is sort of ironic."

 I didn't laugh. My hand raised automatically, one finger extended as if to touch the large wooden cross, its dark patina contrasting with the lighter tone of the wall. I didn't touch it, though I was curious if the aged wood would feel as silky as it looked.

 "It must be very old," I guessed.

 She shrugged. "Early sixteen-thirties, more or less."

 I looked away from the cross to stare at her. "Why do you keep this here?" I wondered.

 "Nostalgia. It belonged to Carine's mother."

 "She collected antiques?" I suggested doubtfully.

 "No. She carved this herself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where she preached."

 I wasn't sure if my face betrayed my shock, but I returned to gazing at the simple, ancient cross, just in case. I quickly did the mental math; the cross was over three hundred and seventy years old. The silence stretched on as I struggled to wrap my mind around the concept of so many years.

 "Are you alright?" She sounded worried.

 "How old is Carine?" I asked quietly, ignoring her question, still staring up.

 "She just celebrated her three hundred and sixty-second birthday," Edythe said. I looked back at her, a million questions in my eyes.

 She watched me carefully as she spoke. "Carine was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, she believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately back then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though."

 I kept my face composed, aware of her scrutiny as I listened. It was easier if I thought it was just a story for now.

 "She was the only daughter of an Anglican pastor. Her mom died giving birth to her, and her mother, the pastor, was an intolerant woman. As the Protestants came into power, she was enthusiastic in her persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. She also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. She led hunts for witches, werewolves… and vampires." I grew very still at the word. I'm sure she noticed, but she went on without pausing. "They burned a lot of innocent people — of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch.”

 "When the pastor grew old, she placed her obedient daughter in charge of the raids. At first Carine was a disappointment; she was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But she was persistent, and more clever than her mother. She actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived.”

 "The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course" — her brief laugh was darker now — "and waited where Carine had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

 Her voice was very quiet; I strained to catch the words.

 "She must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carine heard her call out in Latin to the others when she caught the scent of the mob. She ran through the streets, and Carine — she was twenty-three and very fast — was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carine thinks she was too hungry, so she turned and attacked. She fell on Carine first, but the others were close behind, and she turned to defend herself. She killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carine bleeding in the street."

 She paused. I could sense she was editing, probably omitting parts that she thought would scare me.

 "Carine knew what her mother would do. The bodies would be burned — anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carine acted instinctively to save her own life. She crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and her victim. She hid in a cellar, buried herself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle she was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered.”

 "It was over then, and she realized what she had become."

 I'm not sure what my face was revealing, but she suddenly broke off.

 "How are you feeling?" she asked.

 "I'm fine," I assured her. And, though I bit my lip in hesitation, she must have seen the curiosity burning in my eyes.

 She smiled. "I expect you have a few more questions for me."

 "A few."

 Her smile widened, brilliant. She started back down the hall, gesturing for me to come. I followed, curiosity burning now. "We have time. Come on, then," she encouraged. "It’s better that you ask the woman yourself."

[daisy--sorbet]

heyyy, hope you’re having a good night!! if you have the energy and feel okay answering, what’s up w taz graduation? i haven’t checked it out yet but i was thinking ab it. just asking bc you’re the first person i saw talk ab the show having serious issues, but also feel free to not answer this!! hope you have a good week!

i took a nice hot bath, had a strawberry kiwi capri-sun, and did a nice face mask and i’m feeling pretty good - so, y’know what anon? let’s talk about it. 

for anyone who likes taz grad who sees this post: it’ll be tagged with “taz grad hate” (although i feel hate is definitely a very strong word - it’s for the simplicity of tagging it) - so please block the tag if you don’t want to see this post (especially because i put a readmore on a post before and it didn’t show up on mobile and instead gave the full post). mobile tumblr has a tag blocking system, so please feel free to use it! i don’t mind haha

anyway, so this is... probably going to be a lost post, and i wanna go ahead and preface it: this absolutely isn’t any hate on the mcelroys themselves. i love the brothers and their dad a lot, and while i doubt any of them would ever see this (or have it sent to them, or shown to them, because im pretty sure they try to distance themselves from this sort of thing), i just want to make it clear that criticizing a product is different than bashing a person. which brings me to the point of if i do end up sounding as if im bashing someone - please call me out on it! it’s not my intention to target anyone.

with that said, let’s talk about this campaign.

so my problems are as thus: the railroading, the shipping (a fandom problem, but it’s present in the podcast), the NPCs, and some misc problems others have addressed better than i have.

which. i know. that’s basically the entire podcast. (i promise i’ll bring up some positive points to balance it all out). keep in mind i’ve only personally listened to... what, six episodes? and it was enough for me to drop it. some people dropped it first ep, some dropped it ep four, and others are still forcing themselves to listen.

the railroading

there was a time i could handle travis and his railroading [making sure the story goes exactly the way he has planned], because it was the very beginning of the podcast and that’s what you can kind of expect from a plot-heavy podcast. hell, i wouldn’t mind it if the interactions and goofs weren’t a huge part of why i listen to TAZ in particular (which, by the way, is why amnesty still stuck out to me - even if there was a direction griffin wanted to push them towards, the interactions between the players (or players and npcs) made up for any railroading). it’s kind of hard to not railroad a little when it’s story-heavy and you’re trying to built up a world that you’ve put a lot of thought into. however, a huge part of d&d is the spontaneity. 

it’s kind of why i think balance was so popular. while there was railroading towards the end, there was the presence of improv that made it all good. most mcelroy content is enjoyed because of the goofs. the magic brian moment is memorable. the jenkin’s fight still stands out because it was funny (albeit a result of some bad rolls). the boys teasing angus sticks out because the four would play well off of each other. even without that - griffin had talked about how he had to roll with things (the fact he had planned for a fight atop the train, but ditched the idea for what his family members came up with instead). even in amnesty, a couple moments that stick out to me still are ned with the jetpack taking out a pizza hut sign, and the scene with the water where jake was trapped inside. they aren’t as fun, but they still stand out as “things i didnt expect to really end the way they did.”

with grad, it’s just. one after another. the thundermen want to subpoena a xorn? cool, let’s run with that until actually the xorn gets fed rocks and goes home and who cares about the subpoena now. fitzroy wants to keep his cloak? lets talk about it for a while and you also get no rolls to even try to keep it. fitzroy goes to meet higglemas in his office? oh, why are you here fitzroy? im going to keep asking you until you answer fitzroy? you arent getting out of this scene until you answer me, fitzroy, so just tell me why you’re here already, alright, fitzroy? 

and even later in a episode i read a transcript of: hey argo, remember how you have this whole secret motivation? fuck you, im gonna talk about it here in your dream and reveal it to listeners and remove any tension you had building up, and you dont get a choice to talk about it because this all-knowing villain knows all about it :)

and even NOW in the latest episode, there’s a comment that “we should cap argo’s skills here” instead of just... making the checks higher. rogues are good at certain things and usually arent the best in battles. better hope argo never makes it to level 11, because who knows how people are gonna handle the fact that he gets a skill that’ll make it so certain skills can’t have a roll below 10 (reliable talent). 

(griffin, thankfully, calls travis out for that, but still - travis, why would you even imply that, considering you should be aware of how rogues work considering magnus multiclassed into rogue and you played one on tiny heist?)

and in the newest episode, their Big Bad chaos (which, god, i personally hate that name) straight-out says “dont do this” to the thundermen. travis tries to say, on twitter, “a character saying “dont do this” is different than me saying it” but i need to point out that it’s one thing if you’ve said “no” in character but worked with the PCs doing otherwise, but the railroading says differently.

the shipping

ill try to make this quick, because it’s nothing to do with the fandom (ship however you want, man) - but i really feel the need to draw attention to this.

fitzroy, as confirmed by griffin in a ttazz episode, is asexual. not aroace, but ace nonetheless. and i find it... troublesome that the idea of rainer and fitzroy having a relationship is still pushed nonetheless, despite the fact that fitzroy (to my knowledge) was never once shown to reciprocate any feelings. not to be that person, but i really hope that grad doesnt have any sort of romantic relationships in it (at least - not between NPCs and PCs unless they’re actually like... warranted?). 

i dont know, man. one of my closest friends is ace, and i know she wants a relationship, but i think it would reassure her a lot to see an ace character who isn’t pushed into one in case she ever changes her mind. someone once mentioned that they hope fi/tz/ra/in doesnt happen because theres relationships that have that “oh, you can just date” and it goes upwards there to “oh, you can have sex just to please them <3″  (which, to be honest, is kind of a gross mindset - if someone isnt interested, they arent interested).

also, uh, the TTAZZ where griffin states this, there’s kind of the mention tht the whole sexuality question was posed in relation to the episode “creative thinking” (the dream one i mentioned earlier) - which. uh. i don’t know if anyone caught this, but... rainer straight-up wrote fitzroy a letter in the dream like “are you going to accept my proposal? a girl doesn’t like to be left waiting” which. leaves me with some gross feelings because uh.

if... if the whole thing about fitzroys sexual orientation was addressed here, then why would you push your ship anyway? feels kinda iffy, man.

to which i want to say: fitzroy can date. he’s allowed to date. griffins allowed to do whatever he wants with his character. but when a lot of the flirting is met with nothing, i’m not gonna see the chemistry there. just because travis ships it doesn’t mean it’s canon.

the npcs

ah yes. lets talk about the npcs.

there’s... a lot. a lot a lot. i think travis trimmed down how many were present in a scene, but uh. there’s still a lot. and... uh... i kinda wish there wasn’t?

look, i know im going back to balance/amnesty, but just. hang in there for a moment. chill with me. vibe. 

balance didnt have too many NPCs present at all times in each mini-arc. gerblins had some big names like barry, klarg, gundren, killian, yeemick, and magic brian. rockport limited had angus, jess, graham the juicy wizard jenkins, and all of the tom bodetts mentioned. 

amnestys first arc had mama, barclay, jake, dani, pigeon, kirby, minerva, and that was about it for like. big names? and not all of them were present in each scene. 

in the first episode of grad alone: gary, hernandez, jimson, rolandus, zana, rhodes, buckminster eden, rainer, leon, tomas, hieronymous, higglemas, stuart, jackle, bartholomeus, mulligan, groundsy, germaine/victoria/rattles (the skeleton crew). and those are the ones i wrote down (minus groundsy, who i just. ignores. idk him).

like holy shit, my english prof got onto me for having too many characters in my first chapter and i didnt even have half the amount listed there! 

it’s just a huge cast. does this take place in a school? yes! theres bound to be a lot of students present - but you don’t have to name every single one of them, at least not in the first episode!

the miscellaneous

i don’t know if travis ever actually addressed it, but wheelchair users have actually like... said that rainer’s introduction bothered them, because she was like “please ask me abt my wheelchair :)” when travis saying she was in an ornate chair would have sufficed. 

uh. the colonization vibes people have discussed within the centaur arc. mentioned here, the replies here, and this post (and its replies) here as well.

the overall lack of d&d when the campaign was kind of advertised as a return to d&d if i remember correctly

also no one seems to be taking literally any criticism at all which like. ignoring the petty shit, sure, but people have stopped donating to taz and their listener-ship must have dropped some during this entire time - you’d think that maybe someone could say “we need to find out why people dont like the thing and fix the thing” consider this is. yknow. their livelihood.

anyway uhhh 

tl;dr: travis railroads way too much (even now), the shipping in-game has become pushy and gross (especially bc its shoving a relationship onto an asexual character), theres too many npcs that dont stand out well enough, and no ones taking any criticism about the major issues with grad. 

[sirvalrigard]

lots of ppl r wondering how special delivery fits into the fnaf canon and this is just our take on the clues nd how they fit into our canon nd maybe itll help explain some things at least? idk lemme infodump

wwe tried to do a readmore but we r on mobile n its not working sorry scroll fast if u dont care

olk so we see SD happening after HW—it would make sense that after making a game to try to clear their name and draw in new customers they would start some dumbass kind of service like fazbear funtime to get as much money as possible

also, since SDs canon includes the use of a smartphone theres no way this could be a past experiment. like HW, the fnaf game canon is happening in real time now

i hope we find out more abt fazbear ent inc and who runs it cause other than william theyre the biggest antagonist of the whole series fjakajdjfk BUT until we do, well say that for [insert some probably capitalistic reason here] fazinc deploys this funtime service

now—we already know from HW that fazinc is mass producing animatronics (and has been doing so for however many years now), and thats where the endless supply of animatronics come from

but how/why are rhe animatronics haunted if their AI and souls (remnant) are also in HWs game code? well, heres our personal take,

fazinc sent steel wool(?) the parts of animatronics with remnant in them to program the game which made the game haunted nd all, but remember they also took that stuff back!!!. and it seems like what theyre using it for is copy pasting animatronics for their mass moneygrab scheme

and using the original, remnant possessed AI codes as the base copy, that would therefore pass on remnant of whoever that animatronic was—past just CPUs, but some tortured soul juice as well

imagine having bits of ur soul scattered into multiples of you while the rest of it is stuck in a nightmare video game? yeah no wonder everyones so cranky!!!

but if theres remnant in the animatronics, why is it also in the air?? well it might be time to rethink what we think remnant is. we usdd to think it was metal that was possessed but it seems to go beyond this, instead remnant appears to just be life energy. it can be fused into metal and burned, but it can also visually manefest as we see happen with every spirit/phantom shown (the children appearing before william, and the phantom animatronics before michael, etc). it would make sense for residual energy following the remnant stuffed animatronics (the endos likely have such little that your phone isnt able to read it in SD)

and rwq / shadow bon???? ? handy describes the shadowy remnant to be “guarding” the light ones. this is purely going off that line and our purrsonal hcs that we feel rwq is protecting the torn up souls of the many victims of fazinc, attacking the player when they try to capture ans use the children for energy just like william and fazinc did! rwq says fuck the manipulation of life esp the ones of kids

freddy & friends make sense to be roaming around, after all being the four main characters ans most popular. balloon boy and baby also make sense considering fazinc seemed to have adopted williams failed pizzeria and his animatronics after whatever happens to it after SL. and of course elizabeth and the other kids are still desperate for closure and tired and angry. also the soul thing we mentioned before

now spreingtroip is an enigma like he always is. but theres actually evidence behind the idea of a bunch of springtrap models being mass produced—HWs “build a mangle” level showed how the company slapped together animatronics when they were reopening in leu of HW (and likely use the same method for making the SD animatronics) BECAUSE if yall remember, some parts of springtrap couls be found on the conveyor belts and on the order screens, SO

having mass produced their popular animatronics, why wouldnt springtrap also be popular in game canon? after all after the events of fnaf3 im sure fazinc would want to monetize him even more after HW. some dumbasses like those who put together fazbears fright would definitely order a springtrap. why not remake the monster using the parts they found for thrill seekers whod give them money?

purrsonallyn we like to think that the springtrap models are made with either fake guts or completely empty and each springtrap starts to rot from inside out fromm williams influence

why are WE collecting remnant?? well for starters i dont think we were supposed to. its clear from the start that once handy takes over your app its mostly not the company talking to you, but someone or something else (our guesss/hc is handy (hand / tutorial unit ). its either him or one of the other spirits telling us to collect remnant—its doubtful that fazinc would reveal that kind of info to the public when theyre secretive and would fire someone for reading the wrong email by accident

what does it all mean yet... thhats the fun 🐰

TL;DR fazbear entertainment values money over life and is willing to torture dead children and risk the lives of innocent for the dollars: thus, special delivery

theres word that we heard of updates coming to SD and we r super duper excited we hope we r able to uncover more of fazbear entertainments dirty truths and whos behind it keeping this tragedy dragging on and on

and we hope that by the time their new pizzeria opens next year, we’ll be able to finally stop them

[mogamifucker666]

EDIT/UPDATE: i added stuff from the reblog i and put this huge thing under a readmore

i’m stuck on mobile 4 now so some Quick Thoughts on the shishou swap au (watch me get sucked into writing this aaaaaa)(update: i got rlly sucked into writing this)

- Shigeo comes to the office during Mogami’s mom’s final weeks/months - having Shigeo around after her death keeps Mogami from going into his comPlete Downward Spiral (…… somehow.. idk how but Somehow Probably??????) - so he’s.. very attached to Shigeo (i’m into this timeline where Mogam’s mom dies before the narrative starts bc Mogami would have gone through that state of all-consuming hatred and resentment for humanity and moved onto something.. not quite as extreme. he’s still bitter and angry and wants revenge but he’s not Completely Out Of Control and also has Shieo to think about. Additionally because i like idea that Mogam drops his TV thing, no point anymore, supporting himself isn’t an issue compared to hospital bills, but he still works consulting ppl. could also b interesting how he reacts to ppl bringing it up afterwards. not to mention working with the underground would b less of an issue once he’s out of the spotlight

!!!!fast forward to when Shigeo is 14 like in canon - Mogami is more particular with who he’s killing. generally it’s still for hire but i think he does punish the kind of ppl he does in canon (this pisses off ppl in the underground sometimes) - uses a very strong rhetoric with Shigeo abt how u can’t allow ppl to take advantage of you - asks Shigeo what he wants, encourages him to speak up?? that’s not a consistent thing tho, Mogam would force Shigeo into some things (either by talking him into it, by surprising him, or some other means) - Mogam has a hand on Mob’s shoulder a lot, often for his own reassurance but it’s also just a habit at this point (Reigen has no friends and Mogami is emotionally dependent on a 14-year-old pass it on) - Shigeo is a lot more cold/direct. more distant from his family. more unstable. - the first person Shigeo Really physically harms (possibly kills??) is an esper sent after Mogami (this person wouldn’t be a conjurator, they’d have some kind of power over physical things and Mogami can’t rlly combat that?? like he doesn’t have those kinds of abilities)(maybe it’s that smoke guy from the world domination arc 🤔🤔🤔) - Mogami is injured during that whole episode - after tho he’s like “you saved my life, thank you, you did the right thing” etc etc - Mob is So Shaken but like. his master is still there and it’s okay because they’re both alive and have each other he was able to keep Mogami safe. Mob is literally shaking and like. damn. Mogami is probably holding him. doesn’t let Mob see the body on the way out. Mogami knows how to clean up this kind of mess so.. he does. - Mogami is Bad and one way or another this leads him to train Mob as an assassin

----

omg i completely forgot to talk abt Mogami getting hired to exorcise Reigen LMAO… (the subject of that 300 note drawing) currently i’m thinking it’s kind of like this: - Minori pretends to be her father and hires Mogami to get rid “the pesky ghost haunting my daughter” etc - her actual dad doesn’t have anything to do with it because, while Reigen is annoying and having a ghost around is Weird, Reigen is actually keeping Minori from getting hurt/doing bad things and Dad-Asagiri supports that - Minori hires Mogami bc he is/was on TV and she doesn’t care to do actual research and money isn’t a problem LMAO - Mogami shows up with Mob and, while talking to Minori, it becomes clear her father didn’t actually hire him and she was trying to play him (plus she’s been teasing/making fun of Mob and just generally being rude af) - he’s definitely not going to exorcise Reigen now, out of spite and also, as someone who has/had money problems, there’s no need to piss off a bazillionaire (pissing off the bratty heiress of a bazillionaire isnt ideal either? but??) - (idk what Reigen has been doing this whole time i have like 0 sense of his voice/personality in action lmfao) - anyway Mogami would be.. pretty mad.. i don’t know if he’d direct that at Minori at all. probably not. he’d tell her father, let him know of any channels she used to contact him (probably email?? maybe she had an attendant make a call to his office or something too) - Minori really is the kind of person Mogami hates. Mob knows this, and why Mogami hates these people (bc they’ve used him in the past, etc) so Mob does something to At Least intimidate/scare her. Mogami wouldn’t let Mob hurt her bc No Need To Piss Off A Bazillionaire (Even If His Daughter Is A Fucking Rude Asshole). - Reigen is like YIKES™ that small boy needs help

from there idk where it’d go… maybe Reigen persuades Minori to pursue friendship with Mob in some capacity. he’d know that would put her in danger though (Mogami is BAD NEWS and Mob is unstable too) so??? probably not that.

maybe he’s like “ok Minori ur still a very wild gal but uuuuh that kid needs help i’m gonna.. go.. put my post-mortem life on the line! please be good?? u can do that, right?? okay okay bye, see you–” and she’s like “UUUUHM???? EXCUSE M E?????” and insists on tagging along. That or she’s like “ya bye bizch those guys r freaky af Good Fuckin Luck Pal BYE FOREVER I GUESS” small tears bc she and Reigen do care about each other. cue drama and danger and maybe eventually Minori and Mob become good kids together or maybe not.

[bi-mirandalawson]

so heres. 7k. about my warden anise brosca and zevran. i haven’t edited it. the tense changes probably a lot. 

this was me trying to figure out the full development of their relationship. how emotionally stunted anise opened up zevran. 

its under a readmore but if ur on mobile and it doesnt work, i am sincerely sorry 

anise and zevran are so. emotionally stunted. anise never really let herself experience any emotion that would leave her vulnerable. she limits herself to showing anger, or concern for rica. she will, occasionally, unpack some sadness or loneliness, or frustration, or hopelessness. she locks herself in her room when rica is gone and her mother is passed out at the table, and she lets herself feel things and she cries and beats the walls, and when she is tired, she packs it back up and goes to sleep. 

when she joins the wardens, she doesnt get enough time to herself to unpack her feelings, so she pushes them down farther. after ostagar, she feels overwhelmed and scared, but pushes it down around alistair. morrigan wouldnt get emotional even if she saw anise upset, and anise appreciates it. but alistair. he is going through some stuff himself, and she wants to give him space to work through it alone, because thats what she would want. 

zevran is. a welcome distraction. he is fun, and light. he is a cool breeze. at first, she takes him because she figures it would be easier to keep an eye on a would-be assassin from her side. but with every joke, every stray compliment about her appearance (or one of their companions), every bit of reminiscing on his home, she starts to see him as more of a friend. it is his companionship she seeks out more than anyone else's. and he gravitates to her, practically orbits her, but she says nothing as she assumes it is because he swore loyalty to /her, or because he wants to prove that he wants to be here. 

so she is not surprised when she addresses his lurid staring and he owns up immediately. he has been nothing but upfront with his various.. proclivities, and this was no different. she is a little surprised when he asks if she would like him to stop. she tells herself that the surprise of him directly involving her in his attraction by asking her permission is what makes her not just allow it, but encourage it. 

she thought he would try to play it off as nothing, or act like he did that to everyone, but to learn that he was specifically interested in her was enough to send her reeling. she supposes this is why he asks if its ok that he does it. she has never seen herself as someone to be lusted after. men in dust town ignored her because of her involvement with behrat, or saw her as just a means to an end, a tool to be used and forgotten until the next time it was used. she kept them at a distance with steely eyes and a sharp blade. she considered doing the same to zevran, later, after the shock had worn off. she didnt really know if he was any different from the men she was used to. she had no idea if he actually saw her as a person, or just something nice to look at or hold. 

but she thought of the stories they had traded, of antiva and dust town, of the carta and the crows, of what they would do later, once they had complete control of their own lives, for the first time in their lives. she thought of him seeking her out, of his genuine laughter in her company. she thinks it is possible that he sees her as a person, first and foremost, before he thinks of her as sexually attractive. she thinks it might be fun to flirt back. shes never really had that chance before. so she starts flirting. it is simple and lighthearted, nothing too lascivious or personal. and he never pushes it. he has laid his attraction out, he expresses it every day. he makes sure she knows all she has to do is ask. when she actually does ask, however, he is surprised. he covers it up well, and agrees immediately (who wouldnt? he thinks)

he joins her in her tent, and she tries her hardest to make sure she doesnt seem nervous. he thinks its cute, and wonders if she has ever done this before. (later he finds out that she hadnt, and says he feels honored to be her first. and tells her she is lucky it was with someone experienced.) she is tense at first, but relaxes with every touch. he is slow, and gentle, and when they are done, they lie next to each other, sweaty and breathing heavily, just looking at each other. when his breathing has evened out, zevran gathers his clothes, tells anise not to be shy if she ever needs his services, and darts to his tent while alistair is looking the other direction. 

their words grow more and more fond as they share more pieces of themselves. she tells him of rica, and her mother. he tells her of taleisin and rinna. wynne points out that this "familiarity" might not be good in the long run, for either of them. she asks anise if she thinks zevran is truly emotionally invested. anise isnt sure if he is, at least in the way wynne is talking about, but she knows they are closer than anyone else. she knows that he values her as a person. 

she finds antivan leather boots, and quickly stashes them in her bag while he isnt looking. she thinks of what a wonderful surprise they will be later, when they aren't in the freezing mountains looking for a dragon cult. she thinks of what his face will look like when he realizes what she gave him. she feels her heart thump in her chest and she knows she is blushing, but thankfully the stinging cold has made her cheeks red already. 

She watches closely when she hands him the boots. He turns them over in his hands for a moment. "Oh what a fine pair of-" he cuts himself off and snaps his eyes from the boots to her face. "that smell. whereever did you find antivan leather boots?" she urges him to try them on, and he says he just wants to smell them for a while. his smile reaches his eyes, and her heart thumps again, up in to her throat. 

she talks to him about leske, after they leave orzammar. she doesnt really want to talk to anyone else. wynne maybe, but thats later, after she's had some time to think about it herself. she sits on the ground next to zevran and leans her head on his shoulder. zevran tenses for a split second, but does not move away. this might be the first time she has physically leaned on him in such a way. he looks down at her, her skin bathed in the warm orange glow of the fire. her eyes are half closed, losing focus as she stars at the flames, and he can see every one of her eyelashes with how close she is. 

"are you.. alright?" his words are halting. he is not sure what she wants from him at this moment. her shoulders look heavy though. she does not look at him as she talks. she tells him of leske, how she wanted to take him with her, at least to bring him to the surface if he could not become a warden. she told him of the guilt she felt at leaving him behind. the hurt of being betrayed, of being played by the one person besides her sister that she thought she could trust. she tells him how much it hurt to fight leske, how much it hurt to see him fighting their companions, how much it hurt to see him laying bleeding on the floor, knowing that if it wasnt him, it would have been her. 

he does not know what to say. for a few minutes they sit there in silence, the only sound the crackle of the fire and the crickets in the woods. "I am sorry," he starts, softly, "that you had to do that. that things ended up that way." her eyes close and he is terrified that he has said the wrong thing. "though you feel betrayed, you understand that he did what he did because he had to. just as he understood that you did what you had to do to survive." her jaw is clenched and she is breathing heavily through her nose. "do not feel guilt for your life, anise." 

she exhales in a loud, blubbery sigh, and leans off of his shoulder. she is crying, big fat tears, and her shoulders are shaking with broken sobs, and she is turning from him, trying to wipe them away, trying not to let him see. to him, she looks as if she has never cried before in her life. 

this is more intimate than anyone else has ever been with her. she has never let anyone see her cry, but this is the first time she's cried since before she left with duncan, and she can't stop. he does not know what comfort she wants, if any, but he feels dirty for witnessing this display of emotions. this feels so much more naked than stripping off their clothes. he shifts closer, reaches out and gently wraps an arm around her wrist. she yanks her arm away from him, hurrying to her feet and in to her tent. 

she is embarrassed for acting that way, for running away, but not as embarrassed as she is for being seen in such a manner in the first place. she buries her face in her pillow and cries until she falls asleep. 

zevran has trouble meeting her gaze the next morning. she sees him looking, and he looks away in an instant, and for an assassin, a master of stealth, he is not very good at hiding his awkwardness. she apologizes, her voice quiet but firm. he knows she is feeling just as awkward as he is. 

"you do not need to apologize for your feelings. but consider it forgotten." 

in denerim, they are found by taliesin. he is confidant that zevran will return, so confidant anise almost wavers in her belief that he will not. almost. there is no hesitation in his voice when he says he will not be leaving. when taliesin attacked, her stomach dropped. she didnt want zevran to suffer the same way she did. the battle was over in a blur, and wynne was healing them, and zevran was standing above taliesin's body as blood runs down the steps. anise says nothing, just reaches out and takes his hand. he does not pull away. 

at eamon's estate that night, she is watching him. she knows that he knows that she is watching him. he is sitting in her room, staring at the fireplace. she sits next to him and leans her head on his shoulder. a second later she feels him lean his head on hers. they are silent for a few minutes, and she is aware of how warm his skin is where their arms are touching. she puts a hesitant hand on his leg, unsure if this is ok or if it is too affectionate. 

"you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to," she says softly, "but you know that i know what you're feeling better than anyone else. and i will always listen, if you want me to." he sighs and settles against her. 

"i did not want it to come to that. i knew it would, but i had hoped it wouldnt be taliesin." his voice is small and thin, and she thinks he might be holding back tears. "but it is over, and the crows will not come looking for me any longer, and i am glad for that. even through the sadness, i am glad." 

"I am free," he says slowly, as if each word were a smooth stone he had to turn over in his mouth to get the feel of before he said it. "I am free of the crows, and i could do anything with my life. i could do whatever i wanted, whatever that is. i could leave, i could go so far away they would never find me." his speech speeds up, his words get frantic. he pauses, and his words are slow stones again. "or.. i could stay. i made you an oath, and defeating the blight is a worthy task to see to the end." another pause. anise gets the feeling he is waiting for a response. 

"i would rather you stay." the thought of zevran leaving, of not being there when she leaves her tent in the morning, of not hovering just behind her when they're on the field, makes her insides freeze. "I have," she picks her words carefully, "grown very used to having you around. i enjoy your company, and i trust you on the battle field, and i would rather you stay." she thinks she can feel him smile against her head. 

"then it is decided. i will stay." 

they sit on the couch watching the fire for a while, until anise decides she should sleep. zevran is already asleep, and he stirs slightly when she tries to remove herself from him. she picks a pillow off the bed, and the spare blanket from the foot of the bed, and brings them both to zevran. he falls back asleep in moments, and anise goes to bed herself. he is gone when she wakes up, the blanket folded neatly on the couch, the pillow set on top of it. 

a few days later, as they are walking the market district, he asks if he can speak to her for a moment. his tone is serious, and she is worried. they step away from the vendors. 

"i realized that i.. never properly thanked you for.. taliesin. the other day. i am free from the crows, and i owe it to you, and i havent even thanked you." he holds his hand out, and when he opens it, there is a jeweled gold earring sitting in his palm. anise reaches out to take it. he explains that it was from his first job as a crow, that he kept it with him after, and he would like her to have it. 

"is this a token of affection?" she asks, turning the earring over in her fingers. she hopes her voice is lighthearted and joking, and doesnt betray the butterflies in her stomach. her cheeks are red and she cannot stop staring at how the sunlight reflects off the gold and the tiny gems. 

"perhaps a token of gratitude. feel free to sell it, or wear it, do whatever you like with it." he is trying as hard as she is to be as nonchalant, and she thinks he is faring much better than she is.  

"thank you, zevran. though, you do know i dont expect gifts to show gratitude?" "I know. but it meant a lot to me and so have," he pauses, as if he wants to back up, "so has what you have done." 

she puts it in her right ear, and tucks her hair behind her ear, so everyone can see the way it sparkles in the sun. 

she sees wynne when she heads back to the estate, and wynne compliments her on the new jewelry. anise thanks her, and says zevran gave it to her. she removes it and passes it over, so wynne can have a good look. wynne notices the small smile tugging at the corners of anise's mouth when she looks at the earring in her hands. 

"zevran? is this a token of affection?" wynne passes the earring back and anise puts it back in her ear. 

"thats what i asked. he said its a token of gratitude." 

"I see." wynne has the disapproving look on her face that only seems to come up with things regarding zevran. "how do you feel about it?" 

"I.. dont know." anise's brow furrows in thought. wynne gives her A Look. "what?"

"my dear," wynne starts in that gentle way that anise usually loves but right now kind of hates. "i have already said my piece on your relationship with him. i advised you in the beginning, and i stand by it." 

"thanks so much," anise says, her voice bitter. she heads to her room, knowing she wont get any more insight out of wynne. she sheds her armor and tosses herself on her bed. staring at the ceiling, she thinks. 

How did she feel about zevran? how did she feel about receiving a not-token-of-affection? 

she likes having him around, she thinks, and she seeks his company more than anyone elses. she feels closer to him than she ever has to anyone, save rica and leske. she wonders if he wanted to stay, or if he just wanted to be wanted. or if he felt obliged to stay because of the oath, and was secretly hoping she would turn him free. her stomach churns at the thought of him leaving. she supposed she could get over it. she lived this long without him. she supposed she would be able to go on without him. she wants him to stay, she thinks. she rolls over and stares at the wall. 

she thinks she would like it less if it was actually a token of affection. she doesnt know how to deal with affection. she's only ever gotten it from her sister, when they were young. she feels clumsy with her own emotions, and wouldnt want to be trusted with someone elses'. no, she's much happier to not know quite where zevran stands, to not have to respond to his feelings for her. 

he cannot stop thinking of her, of the look on her face as she turned that earring over and over in her hands. how delicate it looked in her ear, framed by her dark hair. she thought it was a token of affection. it was a token of.. something. he hadn't thought much about what it meant before he gave it to her. he just felt compelled to give her something. he owed her, owed her something significant for her support and companionship, and it was the only thing he had of any real significance. 

as soon as he had the idea to give it to her, he couldn't shake it. it followed him for days, and every time he saw her, he reached up to touch the earring. his stomach jumped and his heart thumped at the thought of her reaction. for a week he considered what he would say. he didn't want to overstate his feelings, and have her misunderstand. he didn't want to understate his feelings, and leave her thinking he felt obligated and not truly grateful. he makes himself stop thinking about it, because it was becoming much bigger in his head than it really was. 

the next time they have a moment alone, he asks to speak with her. he speaks slowly, choosing his words carefully to make his meaning clear. his heart is pounding in his chest, halfway up his throat, and he feels a little lightheaded, but he pushes through it. 

he doesn't think about it until later, doesn't let himself think about it until later. he lies awake in his room in eamon's estate, his hands tucked under his head, staring at the ceiling. alone, with just the glow of a candle on the bed side table, he picks his feelings apart. he replays the events of the the market in his head. his heart hammering, his tongue thick and clumsy, his palms sweating. he remembers it all, feels those feelings stir again, and he finds himself frightened. he has never before had anything like this, never before had to fight the urge to tuck someone's hair behind their ear, or lace their fingers together. 

the sheer volume of his feelings overwhelms him. for so long, he had remained detached, aloof, interested in sex and good times and nothing deeper than that. he had never known someone as intimately as he knows anise, and it scares him, to share so much of himself, and to have someone trust him with so much of them. he feels sick to his stomach with nerves, with the fear of being torn open, with the fear of accidentally tearing open, with the fear of loss of her company. 

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want her to die, he doesn't want her to push him away, he doesn't want her to tire of him. he thinks of how vulnerable he feels, how weak his feelings make him, and he thinks that she doesn't deserve that. he doesn't want someone so strong to be weakened by her feelings. he doesn't want to be responsible for a chink in her armor, doesn't want to be a soft spot that could be manipulated. and there is still so much to do. she should not have any distractions, in her decisions or in the battle field. if he can remain close to her, then he will try, and that is all he really wants, but if it would serve her better to be kept at a distance, than he will.

the next time she invites him in to her bed, he says no. anise's blood runs cold. she is stunned, and her tongue feels heavy in her mouth and it takes all of her will to make it move, to make her words clear.

"are you alright?" 

"I do not wish to talk about it." 

"are you sure? you kind of look like you need to talk about /something." 

"Enough!" he snaps, cutting off the end of her sentence. anise jumps and feels as if her insides have gone hollow. "i said.. i am not interested. can you not understand that?" there is a sort of desperation on his face. "there are other things to focus on besides me, i am certain. Do.. do those." he walks away and anise is frozen in place. she thinks she might cry, and that is what makes her move her legs, wishing to be alone if or when the tears come. 

he regrets snapping at her almost the second he does it, and he walks away so he does not have to see the look on her face. he figures it is for the best. maybe she will be heartbroken, but she is strong and she will get over it. he is inconsequential and she has much greater things to motivate her past this. and she wont have to deal with his bumbling emotions. and she won't be hurt when he inevitably cannot handle her feelings or affections. 

he retreats to his room. he thinks he needs to be alone, but he does not want to be left with only his thoughts. he feels empty, feels sickly hollow, and he thinks again about how afraid he was to be torn open, his guts pulled out. 

anise stands, frozen in place. she feels as if she has just been doused in ice water. did she do something wrong ? had she expected to much ? had he grown bored of her ? did he think she was getting attached and now he had to distance himself ? she fought the urge to follow him and demand answers. she was scared that he was rejecting her, and she was scared of the pain blooming in her chest. 

she considers walking back to her room, walking out to the gardens, walking out to the market, anywhere to put some distance between her and zevran. she is afraid of what would happen if she confronted him now, afraid of what she would say or admit to. she goes back to her room, and drinks enough to put her to sleep. 

the next day, she only sees glimpses of zevran. a peek as he crosses the hall. a silent encounter in the kitchen during lunch. she doesn't know if he is avoiding her on purpose, but it puts a slimy squirming in her guts to think of. through the day, she is more and more anxious and agitated, and the squirming does not leave her stomach. she has to talk to zevran, has to know what she did, or what his problem is. her palms are clammy as she walks to his room. she knocks firmly on his door, and after a few seconds of silence, thinks maybe he isnt there.

as she turns to leave, the door creaks open. she spins quickly, and zevran is in the doorway. he looks at her for a second, then looks away. he cannot meet her gaze. he can see the hurt plainly on her face, and the guilt makes him sick. "something is.. different about you, zev," she says softly.

"i thought this might be it." he is conflicted, and it shows on his face. anise is not sure if he wants to show it or not, but she is a little glad to see it. he has not completely walled himself off to her. not yet anyway. "Are you certain you wish to talk of this? i do not really.. know what to say." 

"If you dont want to talk about it, you don't have to, but i want to know what changed." she fidgets, clenching and unclenching her hands at her side so she doesnt wring them together.

"let me attempt to explain." he locks eyes with her. "an assassin must learn to forget about sentiment. it is dangerous. you take your pleasures where you can, when life is good. to expect anything more would be reckless." he pauses, gathering his words. "i thought it was the same between us, something to enjoy, a pleasant diversion, and little more. and yet.." he trails off and looks away. he is holding his hands stiffly at his side, and anise thinks he might be doing the same thing she is. 

"are you.. saying you're in love with me?" anise asks, her mouth so dry she can barely form words.

"I don't know. how would you know such a thing?" it sounds to anise like he has been pondering that question for a while. "I grew up amongst those who sold the illusion of love. and then i was trained to make my heart cold in favor of the kill. everything i have been taught says what i feel is wrong. and yet i cannot help it." his words speed up, and she can hear the desperation in his voice. "since everything with taleisin, since i gave you the earring, since you asked me.. to stay, i have been nothing but confused. do you understand me at all?" 

his eyes are pleading with her, hungry for understanding and sympathy. anise feels like laughing. what does she know of love? "zevran i.. dont know any more about it than you do. in dust town.. feelings were a liability. a potential weakness to be exploited. and i certainly never had any experience with love, or romance or anything."

"all i need to know is.." his words are careful, hesitant, "if there might be some future for us, some possibility of.. i do not know what" 

"yes, of course. i mean, i hope so ? blight willing, i mean." he smiles, real relief on his face. anise thinks he has never looked so beautiful. 

"then that is enough for me." he grins, and she grins back at him. "I am sorry for acting so strangely. but i think i will be better now. much better." 

"i hope so," anise says. "and i think i will be better now, too."

"would you.. like to join me?" he asks, stepping to the side of the doorway. anise steps towards him and takes his hand in hers, gently running her thumb over his fingers, hesitant as if she is unsure if it's allowed. 

"i would love to." 

he twists her hand so he can plant a kiss on the top of her hand. there is a soft and charming smile on his face. she steps in and he closes the door behind her and she puts her arms around his waist and he bends down to kiss her and it is gentle and she smiles against his lips. 

they settle in to each other, over the days and weeks. they walk through the market a few days after, and he slips his fingers through hers. they stay in each other's bed after sex, through the night. they both get caught in the morning, coming out of the same room together. they start sharing a bed without having sex, and anise can't believe she sleeps so well with someone in her personal space. 

"i believe i owe you an apology," wynne said about a week later. "i said some things about you and zevran, and perhaps i was wrong." anise's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "something has.. changed about him. about you both. there is a tenderness when he looks at you. a soft joy between you both." 

"thank you," anise said, not sure of what else to say. 

"i believe you have found something wonderful, some small bright spot in this darkness. and it was wrong of me to try to deprive or discourage that." 

"i accept your apology," anise says with a smile. to think zevran's feelings are strong enough to be noticed. wynne is observant, but zevran is good at hiding his emotions, so to hear that he looks at her with noticeable tenderness makes her stomach flip. 

with the landsmeet approaching, she finds herself seeking his attention more than ever. he provides a pleasant distraction when her nerves get the best of her. she learns that he can cook, really cook not just make food for sustenance, when he takes her to the kitchen at night and makes a dish for her. he says its because there are more spices and fancy ingredients available in the arl's kitchen than on the road. he reads to her, and more often than not she loses the plot because she can't focus past the silky smoothness of his voice. they walk the city, browsing the market during the day, feeling all the fancy silks. they try to find constellations in the stars at night. he holds her hand, and when she gazes up, she feels like he's the only thing keeping her from falling in to the twinkling dark expanse of sky. 

they have sex a lot, but its different. its better knowing that it isnt the only thing he wants her company for. zevran would have laughed at anyone who said sex is better when there are emotions involved. but he knows better now. he knows how his breath catches when she traces his tattoos with her fingers or lips, treating him almost reverently. he knows that the warmth in his chest when she smiles at him after sex has nothing to do with how good his orgasm was. he knows that he feels safe in her arms. he knows that when he catches a glimpse of his earring in her ear, he is so full of emotions he feels like he's choking. 

after the landsmeet, she just wants to sleep. the political bullshit tires her more than any battle. she takes a bath first, and tries not to think about anora's face as her father fell. when she returns to her room, zevran is waiting in her bed with two glasses of wine. she smiles and slides in next to him, kissing him on the cheek. she sips her wine and leans her head on his shoulder and he doesnt even complain about her wet hair dripping down his back. he takes her empty hand and she feels the weight of words he is trying to force out. 

"I am afraid," he says slowly, looking down at their hands. "for you. seeing you duel loghain, knowing that i couldnt step in to protect you. for a moment i saw a future without you and i am still shaken." 

"I'm.. sorry ? i wish i knew what to say." she presses a kiss to his shoulder. "i wish i could tell you it will be fine, and we'll both be fine after the archdemon battle, but we both know im not very good at lying." he smiles a little at that. 

"yes my dear, you think spending so much time with me would have taught you a thing or two." 

"if i have a future, its yours. "

"and mine, yours, amor."

when riordan tells her and alistair why a grey warden has to slay the archdemon, her blood runs cold. she feels her mortality more than she ever has. she walks back her room, numb, and instead of zevran, finds morrigan in her room. morrigan has a proposal for her, and for alistair. anise goes to talk to him, and feels dirty the whole time. she knows he's 'inexperienced' and she knows he wouldn't want this. she tries to make him see the necessity of it, but can't convince him. part of her is glad, as the whole idea of it makes her stomach turn. 

she returns to morrigan, and isnt hurt when she just leaves. she never really trusted morrigan anyway. she goes to find zevran, and feels like she might be able to sleep a few hours if he is next to her. 

through denarim, zevran hardly leaves her side. they've gotten very good at teamwork, at being aware of not just yourself but your partner. but she knows it is more than that. she knows that he is worried for her, and she knows that he knows that she is worried for him. if he is close, she doesn't have to look for him. it feels like days of unending waves of darkspawn. by the time they reach the top of fort drakon, she is bone tired and running on little more than determination and adrenaline. she and alistair both know that riordan is dead - she thinks its part of the grey warden thing. she wonders who will kill it. she wonders if it will be just the luck of the draw, whichever one manages to land the killing blow in a frenzied fight, or if they will have a chance to decide themselves. she isn't sure which is better. but she pushes it away because the archdemon has to be fought first. 

the fight is a blur. she has never seen anything so big, so vicious, and she fights on pure instinct, not letting the heavy dread of her potential demise slip in to her mind. the dragon falters, stumbles and struggles to get up, and alistair turns to her. 

"let me," he says. "there's no need for you to die. this is my duty." 

"it's my duty as much as it is yours," anise says. it's not fair that alistair so quickly assumes that all he can do for the world, or for her, is to die. 

"i've been a warden longer than you, so i'm the senior warden. and you'll be a better leader to the future wardens than i would. i have to do it." she sees him look past her, to zevran and wynne in the distance. "besides, you have someone who will miss you." she looks back at zevran, nursing a limp. there is blood on his face and in his hair, but wynne is tending to him. his eyes are pleading.

"are you sure?" she asks, her voice barely heard over the rumbling of the dragon. 

"yes." 

"alright." she steps forward and gives him a hug. her arms are weak from the battle but she squeezes him with all she's worth. she's crying when she lets go, and it cuts tracks through the blood and dirt and sweat on her face. "thank you." 

he gives her a sad smile, then turns and lunges. his sword strikes true, and the archdemon is slain. there is a burst of light so bright anise raises her shield to protect her eyes. alistair is laying next to the archdemon, and anise runs to him. she grabs him under the arm pits and starts dragging him away. she doesn't know if the darkspawn blood seeping out of the archdemon will do anything to his body but she doesn't want to risk it. she wants to take his body back to redcliffe. she is sobbing, screaming, and now that the danger has passed, every part of her aches. in a moment, zevran and wynne are at her side, and she's trying to explain to them that alistair has to go to redcliffe, that she cannot leave him here. she's trying, but it isn't working. words are stuck on the lump in her throat and she is sobbing too hard to catch her breath. 

zevran takes alistair's legs and they get a sufficient distance from the archdemon. she collapses, and zevran is at her side immediately. he puts a hand around her shoulder and pulls her close. she folds herself in to his arms and the relief she feels at him still being here, and at still being here for him, makes her stomach squirm. 

when soldiers arrive a few minutes later, anise manages to reel her tears in. she stands tall and somber, and does not let anyone talk to her. she has no patience for their congratulations or celebrations or condolences. they carry alistair out, and she walks beside him the whole way. 

they go to eamon's estate. it is largely untouched. she takes a scalding hot bath, and zevran joins her. she scrubs the blood from his hair, and he does the same for her. her eyes are red and puffy and her throat hurts from crying. zevran holds her tightly against him, as if he is afraid to let go of her again. 

she falls asleep easily. she's never been so exhausted in her whole life, and, stone willing, she will never have to be so exhausted again. 

she doesn't sleep well, however. the darkspawn dreams are still there, although they run in to edges of her consciousness and blur with scenes of alistair's death, of her own death, of zevran's death. she is brought out of sleep by gentle but insistent hands, and a soothing voice. her eyes snap open and she can see zevran hanging over her in the light of the candle on the table. this was a courtesy they did each other - waking up in the dark, unable to see their surroundings, did little to calm them. whenever one was woken by the other's nightmares, they lit a candle before waking them. 

"anise," he said, placing his hand over her heart. he could feel her heart pounding. 

"i'm sorry," she says. "i'm sure you need the sleep." he gives her a small smile.  

"i actually have not been able to fall asleep. perhaps i am afraid of nightmares." he slides his hand from her chest up to caress her face. "are you alright?" 

"no." a pause. he waits for her. "alistair sacrificed himself for me. he said i had someone to live for." she feels like crying again but her eyes are dry. 

"i will not say that he was wrong." zevran's tone is heavy and serious. "i mourn the loss of our friend but.. it would be a lie to say that i am not glad you are still here." she presses a slow kiss to his palm. "i was afraid for you," he says slowly. they do not talk of their feelings often, and saying things like this still takes a lot of effort. "i saw you two stop to.. to talk.. and i was afraid he was telling you to kill it. foolish of me, i see that now, but then, i was just.. afraid." 

"i dont think he would have given me a choice, to be honest." 

"quite stubborn, our warden friend." 

"he had an out. morrigan offered him a.. ritual. if he had gone through with it, he would still be here. if i had been able to convince him.." 

"but was it his choice ? no matter how hard you try, you cannot make a choice for him." that quelled the guilt inside, at least for a little while. 

"i'm glad you're here, zevran." he kissed the top of her head and they curled around each other. neither of them slept that night. by the time the candle burned down, the first rays of the sunrise were coming up.

he stays with her. it is almost annoying how he hovers, but she could not blame him. she likes not having to look for him, not having a moment of panic as she seeks him across a crowd. he stays with her after the celebrations. when everyone else goes back to their lives, zevran and anise figure out how to start a life. she is named warden-commander, and she works at rebuilding the wardens. he stays with her, and helps her, though he is no warden. 

she cuts her hair off. says its too much of a hassle to braid every morning. he thinks she wants to look different, wants to separate herself from who she used to be. he doesn't say anything but how light and curly it is, and how pleasing it is to run his fingers through it. 

they travel for a few years. he manages to take her to antiva. they cannot stay long, before the crows find them, but the crows are no match for them. they do not leave before he gets a new pair of leather boots for himself and for his love. 

she buys him an earring to replace the one he gave her. it is silver, and doesn't have any jewels, but he is glad to wear it. she gets more piercings in her ears, and one in her nose. she decides, after a life of poverty, that she likes spending money on things that don't serve any purpose other than to look pretty. she decides that she likes decorating herself. 

they buy a house in denarim. she has no patience for orlesians, and he likes the bustle of a city. it is close enough to amaranthine and vigil's keep, but not so close they are constantly bothered by warden duty all the time. 

she wakes up before the sunrise almost every day. she makes tea and watches the sky change colors. zevran joins her before too long, a cup in his own hands. he watches the market come to life. 

he grows his hair out. for as much as she complained about braiding her hair, she braids his any time he asks, and sometimes when he doesn't. 

after a few years of peace and comfort she didn't think she could ever have, she tells him of the calling. he is quiet for a while, and he finally says that he will have whatever time she has left, and he will not complain because she has already been more than he ever thought possible. she laughs so hard she cries. when did he become so sentimental? 

she tells him that she wants to end it. she wants to cure it. not just for her. she doesn't know where to start, but she has to start soon. should have started sooner. he asks when she wants to leave. as soon as possible. he says they should start packing. she laughs again. because of course he's coming with her. she hadn't considered the idea that he would follow her to the literal ends of the earth, but she isn't surprised at all.