#i have some complaints about the writing but overall the movie is pretty damn endearing. and more importantly jaime reyes is sick as fuck

[badboyfriends]

i was so fucking ready for when Blue Beetle came out, thinking there'd be an inflex of fics. a reasonable amount, y'know, since DC doesn't fucking advertise their movies. and now here we are with like. probably 8 even TAGGED AS JAIME in the last month .

on my hands and knees begging y'all to watch Blue Beetle (2023) when it hits streaming this weekend PLEASE?

[naivesilver]

@bewilderedmoth​ FINE. Fine. Since today is a Monday and therefore a day much more suited for a vitriolic commentary on terrible insects, I shall fulfill your request and the anon’s. I’m warning everyone in the premises, though -  this is a “no fucks given” list, so it may get ugly at any time. Also, as usual, this is only for things that I’ve already watched, so if you know of some cricket horror and don’t see it mentioned, assume I’ve yet to get to that specific adaptation.

Alright then! To the barricades!

1) Disney’s Pinocchio (1940)

The first of his genre. Look at this asshole - he’s literally the last creature I’d entrust my child to. The fact Pinocchio had to spend his first couple days of life with this guy shadowing his every step is mind-boggling, and it’s made even worse by the fact that the Blue Fairy put him in charge of another man’s kid, as though she had the right to make that choice.

(I won’t fall for the desire of dunking on the Fairy more, as this is a Cricket list, but believe me, the temptation is there. It always is.)

As Disney sidekicks go, he’s one of the worst. He’s not funny, and despite having literally ONE job he manages to fail spectacularly at it. He’s snappish at Pinocchio, he abandons his charge about two hours into the new day, he spends a much longer time flirting with female-presenting inanimate objects/animals/supernatural beings than doing any actual childrearing. He should have been forgotten the instant the movie left the theaters, but instead Disney made him one of his main mascots, giving him the role of storyteller or ghost or whatever the fuck they need him to do at the time. So not only is he single-handedly responsible for every other entry in this list, I keep finding him everywhere I turn my eyes to. A knock-off version of his Ghost of Christmas Past self was in the new Ducktales, too, so my friend freenklin (who already has had to endure many of my complaints) received some VERY disappointed scream-texts as I was liveblogging my watch.

Just...no. Get him out of my sight.

(Also Ewan McGregor is bound to voice him in the live action and like??? Excuse me??? Are we supposed to not make Obi Wan jokes??? Will he abandon his young padawan Pinocchio to the evil Strombolitroopers???)

2) Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night (1987)

This movie is at the bottom of my Pinocchio adaptation ranking, and boy, does it deserve the dishonor. The story is a weird mixture of adaptation and sequel, approximately a tenth of the characters actually appear in the book, and I can’t forgive them for ruining what could have been the coolest concept ever (Pinocchio as a pawn in a fight of good vs evil) into this disgrace of a cartoon.

As for the Cricket, in this case he’s not even a cricket. He’s a glowworm, and he’s a goddamn puppet too, to whom the Fairy gave life. I wonder, is the entirety of her job just...transforming people’s creations into sentient beings so that they can lead others to a honest life? Tell me, ma’am, do you want to breathe life into my disappointing Powerpoint presentations too, so that they might bully me into graduating?

Anyway, if you’re wondering what purpose Gee Willikers (sigh) serves, the answer is NONE. Pinocchio gets rid of him at least twice (good for him) and as easily as drinking a glass of water, he’s a burden to the (admittedly cooler) additional characters, like the aviator bee, and not only is he ugly as fuck, but also so annoying every time he gets a chance to speak that it’s a miracle he wasn’t cut out in post-production.

In short, disgusting. If he entered my home I’d swat him with a flycatcher until he leaves.

3) Pinocchio (2009)

This is essentially Disney’s Jiminy Cricket, but female, anthropomorphic, and with a passion for books instead of pretty ladies or ladies-adjacent objects. Mind you, a sapphic Cricket would perhaps have saved more than one adaptation, this one included, but I’m glad they skipped that part altogether. This miniseries has enough issues as it is.

I’m sorry, she’s just too annoying. Luciana Littizzetto can be funny, but in small doses, otherwise her jokes start to become repetitive. Two hours straight - and yes, it’s that much, because SOMEONE decided to follow Disney’s footsteps a little too well - are too long even for the strongest of hearts. Plus, none of the characters’ costumes are very flattering, accurate or well-made (except for Lampwick 💖), but hers just might take the cake. It looks like a mixture between a teenager’s first attempt at steampunk fashion and a Mardi Gras costume lifted from the discarded items’ bin at a cheap store. Takes you out of the fantasy more than anything else.

4) Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio (2002)

I’ve talked at length of the weirdness of this movie, but all in all it’s a pretty accurate transposition of the story, from the dialogue to the scenery.

Except for him.

The Cricket in this case does appear in the scenes belonging to him, but ALSO in a long and extremely useless sequence where he tries to find Pinocchio in the Land of Toys and gets kicked around by literally everyone present. Don’t get me wrong, that’s something I would have liked to do as well, but it was totally unnecessary, and it gave nothing to the overall story. This movie still holds the record as the most expensive Italian movie ever made, so wouldn’t it have been better for everybody to  skip that part entirely? Not only it would have saved them some money, but also it would have saved me from seeing this guy for an additional fifteen minutes on my screen.

Still, pretty tame compared to some of the others. Could have been worse.

5) Once Upon A Time (2011)

I debated long and hard before making this choice, and I’m not putting him in with a light heart, but before you come at me with pitchforks, please listen.

I like Archie, okay! He’s a fun character, the human side of his backstory was great and gave him a lot of depth and inner turmoil, and the concept of Jiminy Cricket being a therapist is amazing and hilarious. But he’s kind of a shit therapist, whose actions aren’t always what you’d expect from someone who’s supposed to be a conscience and a guide. And despite the show giving us the impression that he and Pinocchio had the same adventures as in the Disney movie (which doesn’t exactly endear him to me - if it wasn’t for his later character development he’d already be Lil Nas X-ing his way down to the bottom of my list), he and August never interacted on screen after the First Curse broke. Not once. And if there’s someone who needs therapy and support, that’s August Wayne Booth.

Yes, I did say at some point that I’d like to fix this in a fic. I’ll write it when I don’t have like eight projects on my table at the same time.

Finally, two scenes settled the matter for me: one, him pontificating at Snow about her trying to do everything on her own, without even pretending to help her set up the stroller she was struggling with at that very moment. I work with kids every day, I know exactly what she’s going through. Shut your mouth and open the damn stroller, Archie.

And two...That one fucking scene where he’s jumping out of Snow White’s cleavage. Honestly, what the fuck??? I wouldn’t even have remembered it if Libby hadn’t reminded me, so I suppose my brain tried to remove the traumatic memory before it caused any further damage, but it exists, and I’m still wondering why. What exactly was the deal with the writers, when they made that choice? I want a glass of what they were having, because by God, does it sound like a trip-inducing cocktail.

Aaaand we’re done! Remember, this is all part of my personal opinion, and I’m not to be taken seriously even on the best of days. Plus, my favorite cricket-esque character, aside from the book-accurate ones, is Gina from Piccolino no Bouken, who is a duck, a sassy little bastard and no closer to Collodi’s canon than any of these fuckers. So yes, when it comes to choices dictated by the heart, I am an hypocrite. Au revoir!

[anthonyreadsthecards]

Hey so I saw you talk about Escaflowne are there other anime that you like and would recommend?

I mean...yeah but I’m what the kids call a “filthy casual” when it comes to anime. I don’t really watch a lot anymore. I think last year I watched like two or three? I can recommend what I like but I’m just gonna warn you now you’re in store for a lot of Magical Girl anime. Read for more if you dare.

So I feel like the first and most obvious anime I would recommend is, of course, Sailor Moon. Now while I don’t normally care for anime that are over a minimum of 13 and a maximum of 30 Sailor Moon is one of the few exceptions. Stacking up at 200 episodes the series has four seasons and overall it’s pretty damn great. Yes there is filler and yes it is a bit dated but people don’t give Sailor Moon enough credit. Our main character Usagi begins the series a little self-absorbed and a huge cry baby but ends with the biggest heart out of everyone and sacrifices her life, more than one occasion I might add, to save the world and those she loves. Plus everyone has a Scout that they can relate to (Neptune is bae) and everyone has their favorite arc (Saturn/Mistress 9 or Nehelenia arc). And while people complain about the filler those episodes are used to round out all of the characters and give each girl their moment to shine. Unlike Sailor Moon Crystal but I’m not getting into that rant today. I prefer the japanese dub because that’s all I really had since the DiC dub was all we had in the States at the time but there is a new dub from Funimation that is very faithful to the original script so whichever you prefer on that end. We also have two movies which are great

Another 90s classic would be Cardcaptor Sakura. I unapologetically love this anime despite it not having aged well in terms of writing. Sakura Kinomoto is our main character who accidently releases the mysterious Clow Cards and she must find and capture the cards or else they’ll wreak havoc. Season 1 is all about capturing the cards and Season 2, the better season imo, is about Sakura becoming the new master of the cards. So the writing is a bit...problematic and this is mostly due to CLAMP’s, the writers for the show and manga, wanting to take the concept of love and seeing it from multiple angles in all of their works. Cardcaptor Sakura is no exception...however there is a lot, and I do mean a lot, of relationships that show age gaps between two characters. Sakura has her crush on her brother’s friend Yukito she’s ten and he’s in high school, Sakura’s dad was a fresh out of college high school teacher when Sakura’s mother was like sixteen or seventeen and they got married after she graduated, and then there’s Rika, Sakura’s classmate, who has a crush on their homeroom teacher and it’s just...sigh. There is a good episode in Season 2 when Yuki finally breaks it to Sakura that she’s way too young for him, besides him having eyes only for her older brother, Toya, and Sakura realizes that she doesn’t love Yuki in the way that she thought before and it’s really good. Nothing is sexualized, everything is cute, and the characters are allowed to feel and express themselves which is you know great. There is also two movies as well as the sequel to the show the Clear Card Arc but I don’t recommend the sequel mostly because nothing happens and it’s mostly used to show how cute Sakura and her boyfriend are...which is a lot I’m not gonna lie they are incredibly cute and I love them. That being said the rest of the series is full of low stakes questions not being answered and a cliffhanger ending and who knows when that’ll get resolved (I’m not bitter I promise). So yeah stick with the OG anime. There was no redub of the show so I would just recommend the Japanese dub.

Revolutionary Girl Utena is one of my favorite anime of all time. Seriously when I’m super depressed I binge the whole show. This show has a lot going on symbolically and that’s like crack to me. I love deciphering hidden meanings in shows and Utena has that in spades. The show subverts a lot of tropes and gives me so many feels. The show is about Utena Tejo who dresses in the school’s male uniform instead of the girl one. She is a tomboy, good a sports, and pretty decent with a sword come to find out. She duels one of the student council members for Anthy Himemiya the Rose Bride. Anthy, who is just another student at the school, is passed around from duelist to duelist and is treated however her owner sees fit. After winning Utena treats Anthy like a friend and protects her from other duelists so that Anthy can be free to make her own decisions. It’s so good. Like really good. My main complaints come from the loooong walking scenes to the dueling area that we go through every episode but honestly it’s worth. The characters are well written, not all likeable but well written, the animation is pretty, the jokes from the gossip girls are dumb and I love them, and the overall story is just great. We even get queer characters. There is a movie retelling the events of the show but it’s...well...different. I would stick to the anime.

So I you know how I mentioned I like symbolism in my shows? Well one thing that I really like is when it symbolism that involves fairy tales. Princess Tutu while funny when you say the title is another great show with darker things going on in the background than one would assume. In the show we follow Duck, yeah that’s her name, an actual duck that transforms into a young girl due to the machinations of the mysterious Drosselmeyer the author of the fairy tale we are in. This anime deals with ballet which I love and uses dance and music to help Duck purify the hearts of those who have been taken over by darkness. This show gets a bit dark over the course of the series but the hope and light that comes from it by the end is so worth it. 

Ok this is the last magical girl anime I promise. Puella Magia Madoka Magica is amazing, dark, subversive, and soul crushing. I love this show, again, for the symbolism, the characters, the music, the animation, and for how much it makes me cry. There are a lot of allusions to Faust and things get darker well before they get happier but they do get happier by the end of the series. Unless you watch the sequel movie The Rebellion Story and then you’re just left with bitterness and tears. The show was an actual show but then was later split into three movies, just the same show with more details in the animation, but personally the show was just fine with me. 12 episodes long you could get through it in a weekend. Just make sure to bring some tissues along and plenty of comfort food. 

So if you have an interest in RPGs and fantasy but don’t want anything to serious or heavy I would recommend Slayers. In this show we follow Lina Inverse one of the strongest mages of her time and we watch her blow up a lot of things. By episode 2 she gains her first, and constant, follower Gourry Gabriev a dimwitted but talented swordsman who is very sweet and endearing. This show doesn’t really have a plot except Lina and Gourry trying to make money so they can eat and Lina stumbles upon a quest where hopefully she’ll get some gold. This show is mostly an action comedy and boy does it deliver. This show had five incarnations and I still haven’t seen all of it in it’s entirety but it’s pretty great and has a lot of memorable characters. 

 If you want to watch something to mellow you out that also gives you that folklore and fantasy feeling then you should watch Mushishi. We follow Ginko, a mysterious white haired man, who studies and deals with Mushi, spirits...sorta. The show is set in the Edo era...I think and it really gives off this folklore and almost ghost story vibe. Like this would be stories that your great-great grandpa would tell you about when there weren’t so many cities and everything was trees and fields and there was a strange magic to everything. This show is by no means scary. I was really zen throughout most of it. Travis Willingham does great as Ginko and his cadence really helps with that mellow feeling. 

 Romeo x Juliet is what I would recommend anyone that is interested in a love story with a bit of war, destiny, and a whole lot of Shakespeare. This show is set in Neo-Verona which is a slightly futuristic but at the same time not. Lord Montague, Romeo’s father, has murdered Juliet’s family, the Capulets, and rules over the city with an iron fist. Juliet is a badass sword-wielding vigilante and Romeo is a soft cinnamon roll who needs to be protected at all costs. I really loved this retelling of the the classic story and I really hate Romeo and Juliet for reasons I’m not gonna get into as this list is already so long. The interpretations of the characters are different and unique and that alone is worth watch. If you know anything about Shakespeare you’ll catch the references to all of his other works, the bard himself even pops up in the show which was wonderful, and the even include several scenes where people speak in iambic pentameter, especially Ophelia. My only complaint about this show is the main musical theme which is “You Raise Me Up” by popular by Josh Groban and as a person who really doesn’t like Groban this was almost a deal breaker for me. Thankfully the song is sung by women in English and in Japanese and, when used appropriately, it really made the show feel as dramatic and epic as the original play. 

So if you like Dynasty Warriors, hyperactive cute boys, explosions, adorable father-son moments, a rivalry that borderlines on romantic relationship, and a bad guy who literally travels with ominous music and a death storm then Sengoku Basara is for you. Ok so when I first saw this show I was surprised how quickly I fell in love with it. Like it’s so stupid with how campy and action packed it is and I loved every second of it. We follow historical Japanese soldiers and fighters in their quest to defeat Oda Nobunaga the Demon King. Like most of these people actually existed but we gave them elemental superpowers and pumped up the action to the extreme. I don’t have much else to say except it was a wild and fun ride from start to finish. 

And I think that I’m gonna end this with Fate/Stay Night:Unlimited Blade Works. Having seen the original Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Zero I can say that UBW has enough from both series for people to find something to love. Also you don’t need to have knowledge of any of the other works to get into this series as it is a retelling of the original story. You say Fate/Stay Night was originally a visual novel with three routes. The Fate Route, the Unlimited Blade Works Route, and the Heaven's Feel Route. The first route is considered the “best route” as pretty much everyone survives it, the second there are some casualties but overall it is the actual best route because one of our main characters, Shirou, isn’t a complete idiot this time around, and the third and final route is super depressing and holy shit who wrote this? UBW is full of action, historical figures...again, great animation, great fight scenes, and a pretty good story. 

And that’s my ten sort of broad animes that I would recommend. I think that you’ll probably find something that you like in all of this especially if you like magical anime. 

Take care