#i have to hide behind alfonse. it's. a psychological thing.

[moe-broey]

Very Occasionally I think of picking a new FEH comic Alfonse to make an icon but ....... I am...... so emotionally attached to him....... this very specific Alfonse illustration that's ☝️😯

[iamdarkness]

Letters from Fodlan.

(Not Sent.)

 The accounts of the missing parts in To Feed a Tiger

These are Dimitri’s memories of those missing parts in forms of letters never sent to you. A/N at the end.

This is Feral Dimitri POV.

Chapter one.

 Now that I have left Askr to try my luck to beat destiny; I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I want to gift you my memories of the events that changed me for ever that had to do with you and them. This is the account of the times I encountered Lif, including the times I never told you, I witnessed for fear you would think badly of me.

  Then I gain I was in a bad place at the time and making bad decision. I am very aware that I can not send this to you ______, but I still want to put these memories to paper and preserve them for the time being. Then one day when I am a king and my battles done, we will meet each other again and then I will be able to tell you my self about this…And we will see each other again, of this I am sure. I will not bend or break. I must prevail and save my people and my self.

   The first night I saw him was the night you game me leave to use Corrin’s tree house. The half dragon had come to Askr in a bad state of mind and considered himself a danger to everyone. You had commissioned a tree house for him to live in, not too far away from the castle complex. It was a cabin proper but high up and propped up by four high trees. Prince Alfonse had been the one who wanted it that big you told me later. I suppose he liked the stories Corrin told you all of his childhood and his tree house. I can see the prince coming to spend some time away in here tom relax…but I digress.

  That had been a dark night. The moon was half full and there were groups of clouds lazily moving across it, blocking its light by intervals. That had been also the night you had come to visit me. That small act of kindness, had been the start of my recovery. The light at the end of the long tunnel of darkness. You had brought me dinner and I had done the best to get you to keep your distance but you never judged me. You stayed until I was ready to leave. I was in truth reluctant to do so. I felt you could understand my pain. You offered me apologies for intruding in my life, when you were right to do so and then you offered me a safe heaven where I could heal. You trusted me to follow you into the darkness of the night, to the woods, where the tree house I was to stay in was located and hidden. You knew what I could do and still you trusted me. I thought you foolish at the time, but this trust was what has kept me alive. After you left me to go back to the tree house I spent some time “conversing with the dead” as my hallucinations would not give me rest.

 After I had lost my eye my other senses had sharpened with the exception of taste. I heard the heavy steps of an armored unit make his way through the forest and as it neared the house I looked out the window. The house was high up and magically hidden as you had said, so I was invisible to the person below. My demons were never physical and even in my poor mental state I knew he was real, but it could not be so. He glowed brighter than the moonlight and a bluish color. His piercing red eyes searched the night for what I did not know. For a second I thought Death himself had come to get me and punish me for my sins. I could feel the rage and hate emanating from his blade like poisonous miasma, but he was not looking for me. The next thing I thought was that this was a spy and that he was wearing some strange armor that had some hidden virtue.

 I went down as silently as I had learned to move in my later years. He was, I suppose not expecting anyone around and was too distracted with his thoughts to detect my presence. Near the border of the fores he started to move in silence too. He moved like a predator; the same as I.

   Before he reached the edge of the woods he covered his glowing chest and mask, but before he did so I got a glimpse of his chest. I could see his ribcage inside the armor and the glowing matter was akin to water or crystal. It looked so in my eyes at least at the time. Once again I thought he could not be real, that he was a phantom made real to torment me and take away the only person in this world who had been kind to me. So I waited to see what he would do. If he was a spy come to do any harm I would finish him and if he was indeed a phantom I would still defeat it, or die trying.

   He stayed there in the darkness looking in at the light of the torches and the guards patrolling. He did not see to be surveying or to even care for the pattern of the guards. Then it happened. He tensed up and seemed to see something far away. It was two figures who had come from around the corner. It was you and Alfonse. He seemed to melt into tree he was hiding behind. I was about to pounce on him when you started singing softly. Your voice carried to where his hidden form trembled with a hidden emotion. The way he said your name, send shivers down my spine. It was the the prayer of the dying. The emotions in that sole word…Devotion, longing, sadness, love…

   Not too far from where you and I had sat you stood talking to a guard. They were giving their reports, not aware of the two persons intruding on their useless watch.

   -Do you want to go to the library and drink some tea?- You ask Alfonse.

   -It is late. Are you not tired?- Asked the prince.

 - It’s never too late to drink tea with you.- You say smiling while your hand touches his, almost by accident but his hand hand reacting at once catches your fingers in his. At this distance I can see him blushing hard.- But if you are tired…

   -No!- He answers faster than necessary, but he does not seem to care.-We should take it in the study. That way we can go right to sleep after.- You nod and the both of you turn to leave. Such an innocent, yet intimate exchange.

   -Alfonse.

   The stranger moved and my attention had returned to him. He had said the name with such hate and sadness. No… Not hate.. it felt more like jealousy. His Gauntlet-ed hand had carved the surface of the tree with its metal nails. He made to follow as you walked away, but he stayed in place. When you turned the corner he turned away but stayed a while. His figure leaned on the tree while he covered his face with one his hands.

  I turned away then. I felt I was intruding on a pain beyond what I had ever experience and too personal to witness. I only looked again when he made to leave. He uncovered his chest and face then and looked at the moon. From behind the mask the words of your song reached me with the voice of the specter. The whisper low and sad.

   -If I could,then I would…I’ll go wherever you will go…

   He came back a few nights later and I noticed that it was always the nights you were out on patrol.He had memorized your schedule it seemed. I got the idea, that even though he was jealous of Alfonse, he did not seemed to care for him or tried to harm him. There were nights when the prince would do a round by himself and the specter never came those days. I learned later that Alfonse was doing Sharena’s patrol since she had been working with the refugees and my specter friend had taken to spying her at town during the day,

   Then came the night my hallucination returned while we were talking during my dinner. You looked so sad that day and it sobered me up to see how haunted you were by the deaths you felt you had caused. You took responsibility instead of denying it, the way cowards always did. I knew then you felt the same way I did, but where I had become a monster you were becoming a light. I felt I should warn you about him. He was surely coming tonight and you were warned.

   Still I new you were not going to resist and that after my show of lunacy you would dismiss my warning as a product of my mind. I waited for him, hidden by the edge of the woods where he always hid to see you.

   He appeared again from deep within the woods. His slow determined walk turned quiet and again he covered his glowing chest and face. He stood there like I had seen him the previous nights. By the talk we had had earlier I guessed now that this was Lif, the person that had helped you before, but I was still unsure.

  Thankfully my demons were quiet that night and I was able to keep my sanity while this happened. The time when you came from around the corner of the building arrived. You were talking to Prince Alfonse and your hand movement reflected it was a quite emotional subject. Since I was closer to the clearing this time I could hear you better that the last time.

 -Luckily the potion was created fast and it is very safe.- I could hear the voice of the prince and his tone was almost soothing.

 -Yes. Even then I can’t help but worry about him not wanting to take it.

 -Why wouldn’t he take it? He must know you are only trying to help him.

 -He may not Alfonse. Most people that have this kind of psychological trauma and have hallucinations think they are real and there is no convincing them of the truth. I fear Dimiti may not understand that he is sick and that his demons are only the product of his sick mind. I worry so much about him Alfonse… I can’t…I don’t want him to die..

 This is when I noticed you were talking about me. What I felt at the realization was a jumble of feelings coming at me so fast it gave me mental whiplash. I was surprised at first and then I felt cold anger that you would think everything was just my imagination. I felt invalidated in my pain. Part of my mind, the one that was sick and delusional told me you did not believe me and did not care for me the way I had thought. But the part of my mind that had been touched by your efforts told me this was not the truth. I knew I was sick; and I knew I had been sick even before this. I had been told this so many times and I didn’t want to listen. What was worst was that my position as a prince meant that it was easier to ignore my mental problems than to risk their positions and this way the problems went unchecked until it was too late. Still, here there was a way for me to get better and people that cared for me. It made me feel a wave of warmth I had not felt since my childhood.

 -We will come up with a way to help him. Don’t worry.- He says softly and takes your hand. I hear a gasp from my right where the person watching you lays in wait.

 -Oh Alfonse. I am so sorry to drag you in. You keep telling me to not get close to the heroes and I know it is because you got hurt, but …

 -I have to learn to let go or I will never grow… but it is hard..

 -That’s because when you care for someone you give them your heart. You are so passionate Alfonse…You don’t do stuff by halves and that is the reason…-You let the silence end your sentence as you both stay watching one another. The steps of the guards may have been what brought your attention back to reality.- Any way…Yeah you better learn to let go or your future children will suffer for it.- You say with a laugh. He is taken aback by this and is visibly flustered.

 -What? My kids… erm…the things you say _____.

 -It’s true! I can see you not letting them marry until they are 40.

 -Not true.- He says and he sounds so young,- Forty years are a perfect time to get married.

 -Alfonse are you getting married until you are forty? Because I am not waiting that long.-You say and turn around to engage a guard. The prince stand there rooted to the spot with an expression between happiness and bashfulness.

 -I would marry you right now…- He says too softly for you and the guard to hear but I could hear them because he was closer to the tree line and because these words were echoed by the man standing near me at exactly the same time.

 The prince then joins you and the guard to take the reports and after a while I see you step aside and watch the place where we have dinner every night. Then you turn to the moon now past full and  the soft words of a song start to fall from your lips.

 - Come to my window…crawl inside and wait by the light of the moon. Come to my window… I’ll be home soon…I would dial the numbers just to listen to your breath. And I would stand inside my hell and hold the hand of death.- The reaction to the song was quite visible. Knowing I had told you someone would be coming, it felt to me like an invitation and it was plain he had taken it as such. But the words that had followed had truck him harder than the first. From where the prince was standing he gave you a look that seemed at the time unreadable to me at the moment. Now I know that he knew what you were doing. There was not much that would escape his sharp mind.- You don't know how far I'd go to ease this precious ache end you don't know how much I'd give or how much I can take. Just to reach you…

 -Ready? - He asked you suddenly ending your quiet singing. He looked troubled. You nodded and went to meet him to get back. Your patrol had ended. When they were at a distance I saw him lean to your ear and say something to which you shrugged in return.

 I looked back at him. He had one knee on the ground and he was leaning on the tree.It took some time but finally he got up and took some time to move. I suspect he was making up his mind about something.

 As you know I am quite tall and most of the time it takes some effort to be hidden well from all angles, but in my last years I had leaned well how to do so. I had sat among some leafy bushes between two trees.These bushes protected me from all sides. I was lucky they did as he did not walk in the same direction in which he went when he left the earlier times. He walked past me along the Western side of the grounds due North and I could see he was too distracted to notice me in my hiding spot. There was resolve and purpose in his steps and there was fire in his shinning crimson eyes. It was as if life had once again entered his being.

 If I was correct he was trying to get to your room that overlooked the central gardens and he had to get past the stables and the guards to do so. He seemed to have a very detailed outline of the castle and the location your room. I supposed then he had been in there before as a guest, but if he was an ally why hide from view? Had he done something to fall out of grace with the Order?

He hesitated before going past the stables and I soon understood why. I could hear the beasts grow restless as if sensing his presence. I heard Gerome talking to Minerva and asking why she was behaving this way. He stopped and listened for the hero’s presence. Indeed Gerome came out and talked to the guard who agreed to search for the source of the unrest. While they were at it the stranger had gone past the guards and crossed the grounds towards the entrance to the inner gardens. He was as agile and stealthy as a ninja.

  I decided then to come out of the shadows and let them think it had been me all the while the source of the beasts unrest. I knew if the stranger did something against you it would have been all on me, but I was sure I could stop him if it was necessary.

They saw me and asked me what I was doing, but a look in their direction shut them up. They knew who I was and I felt no need to explain myself to no one in any case. Lucky for me the stranger was already gone inside and had not heard the exchange. Once in the garden I too took to the shadows and surveyed the place. The gardens are vast as you well know and it took me a long time to locate my target. I found him by some rose bushes near the entrance to the entrance to the room complex where your room was located. He sneaked past the door and on to the side of the building until he came to the side of the camellia tree surrounded by laurels just under the balconies of your rooms. As expected there was no light in your room,nor the the prince’s. Instead of climbing up he waited in the shadows of the trees.

  I don’t know if you remember coming out to your balcony that night. Your light came on and after a while you came out of the room. You stayed there a while looking sadly at the gardens. He came out of the shadows to look at you and the soft and deep whisper of his voice reached me. I could not make out everything he said but I heard something like “… is the sun(1).” and as he talked to himself he quietly questioned if he should speak to you, light in the prince’s room went out. You went inside then. After a while he went out again and after looking over for prying eyes he climbed the wall to your balcony. By then I suspect you were asleep.He peeked inside and opened the door, but before going inside he paused unsure of his actions. He tried leaving but again he could not resist and opened it again and went inside. I was ready to climb and tear him apart if he was doing something untoward but just was soon as he went inside he had come out. He took out a flower he had taken from the garden and left it on the rail of the balcony…then he took it again and squished it in his hand. I found out later that he had placed a single kiss on your forehead and it had taken all of his will power not to spend the night watching you sleep.

 He sneaked out then and I did not follow. There were so much I needed to think about that night. Not only about the stranger but about what I had heard you say. That night I decided to give it a chance and try the potion I knew you would offer. The first thing I did that morning was take a bath in the gelid waters of the river that ran close to the tree house. I still feel shame about this but my logic was that by not being inviting to the senses I felt safer. It was an extra shield for me and if it made my enemies fear me then it was for the better.

   Knights later when it was again your turn to patrol I learned the prince was not going to be available to accompany you. I knew there were plenty heroes who would want to go patrolling with you, including my other selves who were very protective of you and the Fell Dragon whom you and Alfonse had almost adopted (2). I did not even offered to go out with you since I was ready to watch from the shadows and I wanted to see what the stranger would do now that you were alone.

   I watched over you from the beginning of your patrol. Even when stood outside in the garden looking up at the prince’s balcony and threw a small stone at the glass door, even knowing he would not be in there. I went to my spot near the clearing. Now with a cleared mind after taking the potion you had offered me it was easier to make better choices. I could not believe I had let him go so far as to get inside your room the nights prior. I was thinking of confronting him tonight and I was in for a big surprise when you appeared in the distance.

   The stranger had been waiting in the same place as before. Looking at him and knowing you were alone made wish he would not be wearing that mask. I knew by the glowing in the mask that part of his face was made from the same matter as his chest and I was not only curious to see his facial bones but mostly his expression when he saw you coming.

   Then you came and waited for the guards to report and stayed for a while writing down something on a small book. When the figures of the guard were gone you put the book inside your coat pocket and turned to fave the tree line. Unknown to me you had come earlier with Alfonse and had searched for signs that would let you know if he had come. Alfonse had found the scratches in the tree and so you knew where he would be hiding.

   You started walking towards us not knowing I was also hiding nearby. He seemed to panic for a second when we heard you speak. They were the lines of a poem I only remember but little.

 - “ Stay Shadow of my shy treasure. Image of the charmer I love best. Fair dream for which I die with joyful breast. Illusion sweet for which I live in pain…”

   He steps back and a shaky “No” leaves him, but he is now frozen in place as your figure enters the line of trees. You were guided by the sign of the scratches he had left on the tree so many nights ago.

 -“ It matters not that you slip through chains and embrace… when fantasy builds a prison just for you.” (3) - Now that you were standing just in front of him, his demeanor changed. It is as if he was steeling himself to fight. A fight I guessed then, that was against his feelings and one that was already lost.

 -Those words should be saved for Alfonse and I am not him.

 -You came to visit the other night.- You tell him, dismissing his words. He keeps quiet a moment.

 -I had an invitation. One you should not have given lightly.

 -I am glad you took it. I’ve wish to see you for a while…and I had thought it had been a sweet dream.

 -Why? I almost killed you and Alfonse. You should fear me and stay away from me.

 -I do not blame you for that; and it was you who saved us all in the end. I owe you everything.

 - It wasn’t just me who…

 -Alfonse please!

 -Don’t…not anymore...- He starts to say but your head leans on the glowing chest he had failed to keep covered. His arms jerk forward as if to embrace you, but he keeps them away.

 Until this point I had been confused by this interaction. Your words had been meant for a lover and I had thought you loved only Alfonse. Anger was beginning to seep into my heart. I had thought you better than so easy to flirt with another. Flirting while having a love so heartfelt and pure as the prince’s. Then hearing you say his name with such love made the truth sink in. You had talked about another Askr and that there was someone who had helped you defeat Hel called Lif. If this young man was the person that helped you and his real name was Alfonse and this meant that this man was that Askr’s prince Alfonse. All the pieces to my puzzle now fit perfectly. Now I understood how he new everything so well in the castle. It had been his home.

 -Can only Thrasir call you that now?

 Your words held no reproach, but his answer came in the form of his left hand caressing your head. His battle was truly lost.

 -I have words for him as well. Love and Innocence being some of them. Sometimes I feel I am polluting him.- There is a smile and fondness in your statement.

 -You think him pure…when he worships your memory every night before sleep and gilt takes him? Only to dream of you again.- I heard your gasp and your head turns upward to see his face. He does not flinch from your gaze, even after that personal revelation. I take it you understood he had done this as well.

 -You…

 -Every night.- He responds still not flinching. Your face is scarlet red. You lower your dead to his chest again. (4)

 -He…He’s the perfect gentleman with me. He barely touches me. Sometimes I feel like I am back in square one with him, but I don’t want to rush him if he is not prepared for more.

 -Fool…- He says with little venom and he takes to caress your cheek.- Why does he not act on his feelings? Was I this foolish myself? Yes…I lost so much precious, time I could have spent with you…You could both die any minute …has he learned nothing from my past?

 - You kind of told us and I quote "Get close to someone, and the pain of parting will be much more acute. You and Alfonse must remember this."

 -I meant the heroes.

 - I know this, but I think Alfonse took it more seriously. He still think I will go back to my world despite me telling him I will stay.

 -Fool...If only you were mine…- I saw him change again. He let go of you and even tried to repel you.-But you are not…My ______ is gone for ever… I need to go. I should have never come back here. This is not my place and you are not mine.

 -Alfonse…Lif- You change the name when he flinches away from you.

 - There is nothing I can offer you…nothing I can give you…Alfonse…how I envy him…

 -What is it that you think I want from him that you can not give me yourself?

 -...I don’t even have a heart to give you now…- He turns to leave.

 -Time…Time and friendship…That is all I ask…That is all I asked from the beginning.

 -I could never be your friend.

 -Please, I just want to help you…

 -Help me? How? I don’t need your pity or your friendship…I want...-He was about to leave but turns around and looks at you. He slowly takes off his mask and approaches you again. I could see he was waiting for you to flee or to be disgusted. I when I could no even see bone or teeth inside where his jawline would be. Whatever he though you would do however, he did not expect for you to take his face in your hands like it was a precious treasure. -So much more than that…-  He finished in a whisper. Once enthralled by your caress, he leaned over and kissed you.

 That kiss…How I longed then to be touched so lovingly, the way you kissed him then. He barely touched your lips, but you circled his neck with you arms and he deepened it while his arms sough to embrace you by the waist. Your hands tangled in his hair and I imagined how they would feel in mine. The moan of need that left his throat, appeared to have brought him to his senses once again and he let go.

 -I love you…I may not have a heart, but I love you with everything I have and I will continue to love you for ever…But so does he and I will not break his heart. If only one of us can be happy, then let it be him. Happiness was not made for me.

 -I love you too, Alfonse. Whatever form you take…but you are right… it is not his fault and it is not fair for neither of you. Forgive me for my selfishness.

 -Now go before the guards return and raise the alarm…He will be waiting…

 -Where will you go?

 -Does it matter?

 -It matters to me…to us. You can always return here.

 -There is…I have no place here. Now go.

 You sigh, say your farewell and leave. He watches you go and he puts his mask on again after touching his translucent lips with a sigh. After your form is gone from sight he turns and leaves. It may have been my imagination ____, but it seemed to me like his form did not look as somber or sad as before.

   I confess that… I felt jealousy of that love. No only your love for him but his love for you. He loved you beyond death and you loved him beyond appearances. In my life no one had loved me so. Yet you were giving me a part of your heart as Alfonse his friendship and Lif his pain. It had to be enough for me.

    A/N: Since Alfonse is a very intelligent man who loves to read and acquire knowledge, I am sure he asks the Summoner often about all kinds of stuff that the summoner has learned in their world. If the summoner can speak more than one language, he would be asking the summoner how to say  or write different words and phrases because he loves languages as you can see by him being a lost language translator. He remembers much of it because he has nearly perfect memory and loves the summoner very much that he tries hard to remember everything; specially the summoner’s favorite lyrics to songs poems or quotes from different media. Because The summoner does not share his perfect memory many of the quotes are not nearly exact and so I paraphrased quotes because this way the Summoner seems more like our real self who does remember parts of something but can’t access goggle to find the right quote.

  MY summoner is indeed Lif’s summoner as well. When the time line broke apart, she became two but when Lif’s Summoner died her part of the soul returned to the point when the time line broke, memories and all.

 (1) “ What Light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and ____ is the sun.”

“Should I listen for more, or should I speak now?”

Romeo and Juliet.

 (2) I love Grima and sometimes I feel like this dear dragon is still that child who is lashing out after being abused and neglected and knows no better.

 (3) Full Poem.

Stay Shadow of my shy treasure. Image of the charmer I love best.

Fair dream for which I die with joyful breast.

Illusion sweet for which I live in pain.

Your winning graces all my heart enchain,

It follows as the steel, the magnet’s test.

But wherefore you win my love and made me blest.

If thou must mock me, fading soon again.

Yet canst thou never boast, with fullest pride,

That triumphant o’er me is thy tyranny.

For though thou from the dose embrace doest glide.

That held thy visionary form from me,

But fancy builds a prison still for you.

 Sor Juana Ines De La Cruz. Paraphrased in actual text for plot reasons.

 (4) Alfonse taking Lan Zhan words to heart. “ Every night is every night” Lan Wanji Master of Demonic Cultivation XD . Sorry I could not resist.