#i hope no one gets upset at this descion

[ultimate-jester-competition]

Wildcard!!!

Due to the uneven number of contests for round three, as requested, Jester from the Darkest Dungeon will be entering the competition!

[thenextchapterbegins]

Lifting the gravity from my shoulders

Continued from X

@ofgravitation​

“No.” He says a single word as he motions the other to follow as he leads the other to a more quiet spot next to a window the view outside was cloudy and grey with a gentle rain drizzling out as izuku takes a seat.

Izuku turns and looks out at the window for the longest of moments before letting out a low sigh. “I’m having this conversation with todoroki and iida too if I ever get the time to speak with him. This will not be a fun conversation but it is important and I would ask you to let me talk and finish before you reply. I came to a realization a few weeks ago that this circle of friends...well its not healthy. At least for me anyways. I pondered for the longest time why I felt this way but then it clicked. none of us became friends naturally. I saved you from the 0 pointer and you just stuck to me like glue afterwards. I helped iida with a situation of equal peril and then we stuck together like glue after that..and todoroki well that is an entire thing. In two situations I cant even properly vent about my distress with them.” He chuckles sadly before the smile slowly fades.

“None of you know me...not really anyways and maybe part of that is partially my fault for assuming my friends who sing such praises of me would give one actual fuck about my life. I suppose that's my fault for not telling you all my life story. But it was fun to watch you guys talk about your families, your pasts, ask each other questions expect those type of questions never came towards me.” His eyes slightly narrow.

“Iida is too prideful, I tried to discuss the thing that happened between us because i need to vent on that situation but do you know what happened? He blamed me for bringing it up because it upsetted him. Not like I have anyone else to talk about it and I would hope my friend could see that the situation troubles me as well and I'm not prideful enough to just compartmentalize it and move on. Hoping that my friend could show me some compassion and a shoulder but I suppose that was too hopeful a thought. todoroki is a ball of trauma that can barely talk in a social situation to save his life, and your too overly optimistic that it pisses me off to no end. Do you know that I said something in one of our last conversations so utterly distressing that I was heart broken when you merely casted it aside. Then to my shock I said something in passing barely above whisper around denki. A classmate that is simply a mere acquaintance to me and he pepped right up and I offered a shoulder, someone I couldn't really classify as a friend offered more compassion and insight then you in the fucking half a year that I’ve known you!”

“So, to save what good images i have of you three and to save myself a cycle where I slowly grow to resent you 3 more then I already have grown to feel. I think the responsible thing to do is to cut off my friendship between you 3. A friendship built off traumatic situations cannot thrive nor do I wish to continue to feel this pain. I will say I am sorry for letting this build as much as I have and I should have spoken of this sooner but I hope you can respect my descions.”

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather Chapter 78: Who Am I Talking To?

Wednesday, December 20th, 1989 Pittsburgh Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

"Thank you Pittsburgh, we love you!" Vince shouts at the wild crowd chanting Crue.

We run backstage sweating and panting. This was our last show of 89. We are heading home for the holidays.

"Shit I'm so fucking tired." Tommy breathed out while using a cloth to wipe his face.

"Same fuck." Vince huff's as he drops himself on the couch in the change room.

"Here." Mick walks over to us handing each of us a water bottle.

"Hey boys you excited." Doug smiles walking into the room with Fred walking in behind him.

"Excited for what?" Tommy asks.

"For the Christmas break." Fred says with excitment. "I finally get to get away from you fuckers."

"Haha very funny Fred." Vince chuckles sarcastically.

"Man I can't wait to see my family. This tour is exhausting." Doug groans.

"You're exhausted?" I question looking at Doug. "We're the ones playing every night."

"Yeah well still, keeping you guys in check is extremely difficult." Doug says as he walks and sits by Vince. "So what are you guys doing for the holidays?"

"Ugh, I have to spend Christmas with Heather's family." Tommy says dryly.

"Is that a bad thing?" Vince chuckles.

"Well kind of, they can be annoying some times. Especially her mom, her and Heather are always nagging me."

"What about your family?" I ask.

"Her family and my family are coming to our house. Heather wants me to clean up and help her cook. As if I know how to cook." Tommy shrugs.

"I don't know why she would trust you in the kitchen, drummer. I wouldn't eat anything you cooked, I'd rather starve to death." Mick speaks up.

All of us start laughing. Tommy throws his cloth at Mick and he grins and swats it away.

"What about you Vince?" Doug leans back on the couch looking at Vince.

"Me." Vince grunts and leans back on the couch as well. "I'm going to spend Christmas with Sharise's family."

"What about your kids?" Fred asks.

"I'm going to see Neil, but I can't see Beth. Elizabeth won't allow me to see her. She's keeping her away from me. I'm hoping that me and Sharise can have a child togther soon."

Doug patted Vince on the shoulder. I felt bad for Vince. He was always complaining that Beth would on purposely tell Vince to come see Elizabeth on the days that he was out on tour just so he wouldn't be able to see her. She wanted his money but didn't want him around. I hope he gets to have a child with Sharise.

"Well at least Sharise wants kids with you. Heather won't even talk about children with me." Tommy frowns.

"Give her time Tommy she'll come around." Doug says.

"She's had three years now. It's going to be four when we reach May of next year." I point out.

"Exactly." Tommy sighs.

"Well, since we're talking about families. I'm meeting Emi's family for the first time." Mick speaks.

"Good for you Mick." Fred nods. "I'm spending time with Jess's family for the first time."

"Ouuu Fred you and Jess getting serious?" Tommy chuckles.

"He's got googley eyes for her." Vince laughed.

"Yeah, I do." Fred smirks. "It's about time I settle down instead of fucking around like you clowns."

I listened to the guys talk and laugh about spending time with families and loved ones. I felt bad that I didn't have a family to talk about. I was hoping that no one would ask me any questions. It would make me feel worse.

"So what about you Sixx?" Doug looks at me.

"He's obviously going to be with Mani." Vince chuckles.

"Bitch." Tommy sneers under his breath thinking that I didn't hear him.

After he says that, the room goes silent. All the guys look at me with wide eyes and shock.

"Tommy!" Fred growls. "That's not cool."

"Don't speak about her like that." I move from the table and walk towards him. "Seriously Tommy leave it alone."

"What? I'll never forgive or like her for what she did."

"That's fine if you don't wanna forgive her or like her. But fucking respect her Tommy. She's my girl!" I raise my voice.

"Oh I'm sorry Sixx." Tommy touches his heart turning to me. "I didn't mean to disrespect your girl who can't even tell anyone about you guys relationship." He snarled.

"Tommy enough." Mick speaks up.

"Enough of what?" Tommy questions. "We all know that their relationship is in the closet. I feel sorry for you man." Tommy smirked and shook his head. "Can't kiss, hug, or hold hands in public."

"And you can't have children with Heather." I spat. "Cause she probably knows that you're still sticking your dick in different holes."

"Fuck you Nikki!" Tommy yells.

"Alright boys enough!" Fred yelled. "Change and let's get the hell outta here! I'm tired of your shit!"

I back away from Tommy. I walk to the side and grab my bag and walk out the door.

On the jet..

I sat in a seat alone writing in my notebook. I've been writing a lot of poetry and stories since I left rehab. It's been keeping my mind busy, especially from drinking.

"H..hey dude."

I looked up to see Tommy standing by me rubbing his hair. I scoffed and went back to writing completely ignoring him.

"Can I please sit?" He pleads.

I shrug but continue to write, I'm not sure what he wants to talk about. I'm pissed at him after what he said about me and Mani. It's clear that he doesn't support my relationship.

"So uh, what are you writing?" He asks hesitantly.

No response.

"You uh, writing new lyrics." Tommy says nervously as he starts using his fingers to drum on his thigh.

No response.

"Sixx c'mon, please can we talk?" He pleaded.

I sighed and looked up at him then closed my book.

"Talk."

"Ok, well I'm angry at Mani because she shit on something that was special to Heather. And on top of that she nearly killed you Nikki. That was uncalled for."

"Tommy." I leaned forward so I could be face to face with with him. "I am sorry about Heather, ok. I apologized before and I'm still apologizing now. I know Mani feels bad about it too. But you need to let it go."

"It's hard for me to let it go." Tommy huff's leaning back on the couch.

"When you first brought Heather around us. She looked at me like I was shit, and she would always make snide remarks about me and the band. I tolerated it because you loved her."

"Yeah, you did." Tommy frowns.

"Look, I was mad at first when Mani did that to me. But in a way I deserved it. And if I'm being honest, I'm glad it happened. Because it brought us back together and helped us to talk about the things in our past that we never resolved."

He nodded his head and turned away from me.

"Tommy I love her, and I'm trying to stay on this positive path. I'm balancing staying sober, being in a secret relationship with Mani, these new emotions, touring, fighting with Brandi for a divorce, and you."

"Sixx-"

"Listen, if you can't let it go and forgive her than we can't be friends. Because I can't allow you to speak about her like that. She means a lot to me."

"So what are you saying?" Tommy mumbles and looks at me.

"I'm saying...that I'm choosing her."

It went silent for a long time. I could see it in Tommy's eyes that he was a bit upset. I hate to do this to him because we have been best friends since 81 and he is my terror twin. But this relationship with Mani means a lot to me. She trusts me, she loves me, and makes me feel good about myself. I want things to go further with us and I... actually.. we can only do that by keeping the negative people away.

"You really love her huh?" Tommy looks up at me with a sad face.

"I do Tommy, she means the world to me. She forgave me after everything I put her through, so that has to mean something worth fighting for. I don't want to lose any chance of happiness."

Tommy nodded his head slowly and rubbed his neck.

"Sixx, you're going to get mad at me. But I have to tell you something." Tommy says with a nervous look on his face.

"Please don't tell me you did something stupid." I let out and amused groan.

"Well...it could be considered funny." He shrugged chuckling.

"What is it?"

"I uh..I sent Mani a coke bomb on her birthday when she was in paris." He mumbled lowly.

"Tommy." I groan and slide down in my seat.

"Sorry I was still pissed off." He waved his hands. "But I'm not anymore, I see how happy she makes you and I feel bad for saying rude things about her infront of you."

"It's fine." I sigh and sit back up. "Just from now on I need you to be nice to her. Considering how much I hurt her I want her to feel safe and accepted with all of us."

"Yeah I hear you. We good?" Tommy raises his brows.

"Of course T-bone."

He got up to leave but stopped and turned around.

"Also, another thing Sixx." Tommy's face turns serious. "Remember how you said it wasn't Mani that drugged you. What did you mean by that?"

"I meant that it was her manager. She's not a good person. She tells Mani to do fucked up shit and she's always in her ear whispering bad things to her."

"So Mani always does what her manager tells her to do and say?" Tommy asks with concern.

"Did Mani say something to you?" I furrow my brows.

"N..no..I just wanna know." He chuckled nervously.

I sigh and scratch my head ready to tell him.

"Look Tommy, I use to manipulate Mani when she was younger because she couldn't think for herself. I would tell her what she wanted to hear or call her to make her pity me and feel sorry for me so I could get her to come to me. Then, I would make her do things that she wouldn't normally do. Like running away on tour with me. It was so easy because she was young and raised in a strict house hold and very sheltered. She knew nothing about the real world. She grew up never being able to make decisions for herself. Other people always made descions for her, including me. But I realized how dangerous it is to manipulate someone who can't think for themselves. It means that when someone tells Mani something, it's hard for her not to listen. Especially if that person has been in her life for a long time. Like her manager."

"Shit." Tommy mumbled and rubbed his head. He started biting his fingers tips and looked down at the ground.

"Yeah." I breath out. "Now that I'm sober and able to think properly I try my hardest to sit down and talk to her instead of putting thoughts and words in her ear. Mani's a sweet girl. I want her to make her own decisions. I want her to stand up to Tamara rather than say yes to everything Tamara tells her to do."

"Does she know you use to manipulate her?"

"No." I shake my head. "But I am gonna tell her when the time is right. It's something that she needs to know."

"Fuck." Tommy breathed out.

"Tommy." I called to him. "If she said something to you, you know you can tell me. Right?" I ask with seriousness.

"Oh..uh..no she didn't say anything to me." He studdred. "When I see Mani again I'm going to apologize for how I've been treating her. I want you and her to be happy."

"Thanks T-bone."

Los Angeles's

When the jet landed we all got out and gave each other a hug goodbye. We weren't going to see each other until next year. I got into my limo and reached home. I sigh as I looked around the big empty house. I didn't bother to put my stuff away properly. I sat down on the couch wondering what I would be doing for the break. Before Mani left she said she would call me and we can talk often. She's spending time with her family in Canada for the holidays. Every one has someone except for me. My holidays are going to be very lonely. I guess shit just doesn't change for me. I was lonely in the past, I'm lonely in the present, and chances are I'll be lonely in the future.

After taking a quick nap. I've been speaking to Mani a lot on the phone. I had to pretend like I was ok here. I told her that I was going to be hanging around with my friends for the Christmas break. But I have no friends. The ones that I do are still on drugs or drinking. Robbin called me as well but he was so out of it that I had no clue what he was saying. Tom also called and I spoke to some of my aunts and uncles. I wish I could go to Idaho, but there's not enough time. Plus I don't want to go to Idaho by myself. I got up then headed downstairs with my new base that Mani got for me. I sat there and started strumming but nothing was coming to me. I just felt bored and unmotivated.

Ring Ring Ring

I put my base down and walked to the phone.

"Hey."

"Hi babe."

"Hi princess how are you?" I asked as I walked back to the couch and sat down.

"I'm alright, just checking in on you. I hope you're ok?"

"Babe I'm fine, I keep telling you that. What's that noise in the backround?"

"Oh." She laughs. "It's my mom's church music. She plays it every Christmas. I can't believe you can actually hear it. I'm in my sisters room and the music is downstairs."

"Yeah I can hear it." I chuckled. "So is it just you and your family having a Christmas dinner or are other people going to be at your place?"

"Well we're actually going over to my uncle's house. Him and his wife just had a baby. So the whole family is going to spend Christmas there."

"That's...that's great." I mumble.

I stayed silent for a bit. Family. Something that I have never had. Going over to my girlfriend's house for a Christmas dinner to meet her family is something I wish I could experience. People always groan and complain about not wanting to see their in laws. But that's something I would kill to have.

"Nikki are you still there?"

"Oh ..uh sorry I kind of tuned out a bit. What were you saying?"

"I said so what are you doing today?"

I sighed. I wanted to tell her that I have no plans today or any other day but I didn't want her to pity me. I don't want anyone's pity. And I don't want her to travel all the way down here to come and be with me. I want her to be with her family. She deserves to have happiness. She deserves to smile.

"Oh, I'm going to be hanging with friends." I said with fake excitement. "We're going to go out and eat. You know, do guy stuff."

"Guy stuff?" She questions.

"No strip clubs I promise." I chuckled.

"Are they clean?" She asks with concern.

"Yeah babe they're clean." I assure.

"Nikki I can come after Christmas to see you-"

"Mani I'm fine." I assure. "You came out for my birthday so please spend time with your family as long as you need to."

"Ok." She says casually. "I'll call you later."

"Alright babe."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

We both hang up the phone. I think maybe I'll go out shopping for myself. And buy some Christmas presents for people. I probably won't give them the presents till after Christmas cause everyone will be with their families.

I tied my hair back and put on a baseball cap and sunglasses for my disguise. I grabbed my car keys then locked up and got into my car. It was busy out on the roads. People wanted to do some last minute shopping before Christmas.

I stopped and parked my car and got out then headed into the mall. I grabbed a shopping cart then walked around looking for things to buy. I picked up a couple of things that I thought Mani would like, I also got something for Fred, Jess, Tommy, Vince, and Mick. I got something for Tom as well, I'll have to ship it down to Idaho.

"Nikki?"

I tensed up hearing that familiar voice.

"Hi Brie." I smiled nervously.

"Hi." She smiled and gave me a hug. "Nice disguise." She chuckled.

"Well it keeps the fans from recognizing me." I shrug. "Uh..well it's nice to see you I have-"

"Nikki you don't have to keep avoiding me." She frowned. "I know you and Brandi are going through some trouble but it doesn't mean that when you see me you have to run away."

"I know." I rub my hair feeling a bit awkward. "It's just Brandi's your daughter and I don't want trouble."

"I understand." She nods. "But also I feel like you should try and work things out with her. I don't feel like you two really tried. You know she really misses you and wants you two to work things out. And well, so do I." She speaks softly.

And you wonder why I avoid you.

"Brie." I sigh. "I don't know if Brandi told you but I'm in a relationship with someone else."

I saw the hurt on Brie's face. I felt really bad for having to tell her this. Ever since me and Brandi have been having problems I haven't spoken to Brie. Last I saw her was when she came over to get Brandi at our Dr. Feelgood release party. Since then I've been avoiding her like the plague.

"So, you marry my daughter and tell her you want to have a family with her. But the moment you two start arguing you want to call it quits and move onto a different woman right away." She said bitterly.

"Brie it's not that." I groaned.

"So what is it?" She furrows her brows and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Brie I'm sober now." I sigh. "I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking. I'm clean and Brandi's not. So it's a problem for me."

She nods her and looks passed me like she's thinking. "Well problems have solutions. Why don't you come over on Christmas eve to my place and we can sit down all together and talk about all of this. Brandi will be really happy to see you." She pleads. "And honestly I miss you too. I'm sure you don't want to be alone for Christmas. I know you don't have any family here. And Brandi is still your wife."

"Ok I'll think about it." I nod. "I..uh..I gotta go."

I push my cart passed her and speed walked over to the line. I paid and ran out of the store. I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed for some reason. I threw my stuff in the trunk, climbed into my car, and sat there for a bit. Maybe spending time with Brie and Brandi wouldn't be so bad. They both miss me and I do need company. Plus I'm still married to her so it's normal for married people to spend time with each other.

"Fuck Nikki no, you can't." I grumbled to myself. "Fuck."

I drove out of the shopping mall parking lot and found myself down by the sunset strip. I watched all the teens hanging out by the clubs drinking and smoking. The place has calmed down since the early eighties. I looked down at my leg and realized it was bouncing up and down. Why am I feeling anxious and stressed out? I feel like I need a drink.

"Fuck." I groaned.

My problem is loneliness, it always has been. I turn and drive down to the cathouse. I park my car in the lot and climb out. I pull my hat down just a bit more to cover my face as I head into the cathouse. All these guys that never made it as rockstars are still here drugged out and drinking. This was a bad idea, I need to get out of here before I...

"Hey Sixx!"

I turn to the right to see who's calling me.

"King!"

I ran over to Robbin with open arms. He picked me up and gave me a big bear hug. Wow he looks like complete shit.

"Shit man where have you been?" He slurred.

"I've been on tour bro." I patted his arm. "You uh..you look..good." I lied.

"Thanks dude." He smiled. "Hey come sit." He grabbed my arm and walked me over to the booth he was sitting at.

"Hey Sixx what's up?" Riki walked over to greet me.

"Hey Riki."

He's another one that I tried avoiding. Especially because he introduced me to Brandi.

"I thought you were sober? What brings you here?" Riki asked.

"I was just driving by." I shrug. "It looks like King is doing his afternoon drinking." I point at Robbin.

"He's been here since morning." Riki chuckled.

"Well I have nothing better to do. Steven's pissing me off. He has lead singer syndrome. Thinks he's the shit, he's trying to kick me out of the band."

"He can't do that." I snap.

"Shit that sucks." Riki speaks up. "Hey you and Brandi still together or what?" He looks at me.

"We're married but separated." I say with nervousness.

"She really loves you Sixx, she told me herself."

I breath out and rub my face.

"Hey Riki you're stressing him out. Go get us some whiskey, Sixx needs a drink."

"Alright." Riki walks away.

"Uh no Robbin I can't stay, I'm trying to stay sober." I object.

"Sixx it's one fucking drink, it's not going to kill you like heroin nearly did. Come on bro for old times sake." He laughed and patted my arm.

"Robbin I can't, I promised Mani I would stay sober."

"Mani, Mani, Mani. Come on man, she's not here."

"Robbin-" I groaned.

"Ok, one drink. Just one drink."

"Alright here you go boys." Riki says as he puts the tray of shot glasses down. "I'll do one with you."

I look at the whiskey in the shot glass. My leg starts to shake underneath the table.

Would Iman find out if I had just one drink?

Will I be ok just having one drink?

"Sixx?" Robbin raises a brow.

It's only one drink. It can't lead to anything else.

"Alright, one drink." I smiled.

We pick up our shot glasses and down them. I clear my throat as the delicious taste of alcohol goes down my throat. I've missed this. I miss feeling alive, I miss hanging out with King and being at the cathouse, I miss partying.

"How about another?" Robbin slures.

"Sixx?" Riki looks at me.

"Yeah, I could use one more." I think one more will be fine. It's not like I'm over doing it. I rub my face and breath out.

"Atta boy!" Robbin yells. "Mani's been keeping you on a leash! It's time to free your self! Get the whole bottle Riki!" Robbin cheers.

"Alright, settle down Robbin." Riki chuckles.

Riki came back with two bottles instead of one. We opened them up and finished the whole thing. _____

Thursday, December 21st, 1989

Morning...

"Oh fuck." I grumbled.

I stird and looked around realizing that I wasn't at home. This looks like Kings house.

"King!" I called out.

My head was fucking throbbing. I rolled out of the bed and stumbled a bit using the dresser to steady myself. Something felt like it was coming up my stomatch. I looked around for the bathroom but couldn't find it. So I had to puke on the rug.

"Uh..shit." I groaned as I finished puking. I wiped my mouth and opened the door to leave the room. "Robbin?"

"He's still sleeping Nikki." Theresa said from downstairs. "Come downstairs and have some breakfast."

I walk downstairs and rub my face. I sat at the table feeling like complete shit for what I did last night. I broke my sobriety.

"Did we drive?"

"No, Riki called you guys a taxi and Robbin brought you here. Your car is still at the cathouse."

"Fuck!" I raised my voice. "Fuck!" I yelled slamming my hand down on the table.

"So." Theresa walks over with cornflakes and milk. "How much did you drink?"

She placed them down on the table then turned around to grab me a bowl.

"Two maybe three bottles." I say with disappointment in my tone. "Thanks." I say as I grab the bowl from her.

"And how does Iman feel?"

Ugh Mani will fucking hate me.

"She doesn't know, Theresa." I get frustrated and grab the cereal box pouring it aggressively into the bowl. "I'm not going to drink again."

"I said I was going to stop injecting heroin two years ago. So I went to rehab, but when I got out and came back home to Robbin. He had it all around the house and was doing it infront of me. So I relapsed." She says sadly.

I watch her as she picks up a cigarette and lights it up. Theresa used to be a beauty. Full figure, long black hair, tanned skin, with white teeth. Now she looks like me when I was on heroin. It's scary to see her like this.

"Have you spoken to Mani since Tamara fired you?"

"No I haven't." She shakes her head. "I don't want her to see me like this. I wanna be clean before I talk to her." She says blowing smoke out.

"She cares about you."

She nods her head and sniffles. "I always cared about her..I just..you and Robbin got me into this shit." She grumbles and points at me. "Now I depend on him for everything." She sniffles again. "My family won't even talk to me cause I married him. I have to spend my Christmas here with Robbin doing drugs." She sobbed.

I sigh and put my spoon down. "Theresa I can hook you up with a specialist. He helped me get sober. I can give you his number."

She snickers and shakes her head then puts the cigarette out in the ash tray. "He must be shit." She chuckles.

"Why do you say that?" I furrow my brows taken aback at what she said.

She gets up and leans close to my face placing her hands on the table for balance. "Cause you- are not-sober." She grins smugly and leans back. "Finish your cereal and get fuck out." She sneered and walked away.

I rubbed my face knowing that she got to this point because of me and Robbin. I introduced her to drugs the same why I introduced Mani to my life of decadence. The only difference between Iman and Theresa, is that Iman had her morals and was strong willed to never touch drugs where as Theresa gave in. I'll just finish my cereal and..

"Nikki!" Theresa shouted from upstairs. "You pouta! You puked on my carpet!"

I think I'll just leave now.

Nikki's house..

I picked up my car from the cathouse but before coming home I stopped to buy two bottles of jack. I might need them for later, you never know who's going to come over for a visit. I showered then brushed and laid down in bed. My head was hurting and I still felt like shit. I felt angry at my self for drinking. I swore to Mani that I wouldn't drink, but I did. And I had more than one bottle. The phone started ringing and I didn't feel like talking to anyone, including Mani. I was so angry at myself that I drank. But then again I can't ignore her, I love her too much.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby boy." Mani said in a seductive voice.

"Hey princess." I chuckled. "Better not let your mom hear you talking like that." I joked.

"She's not home, and uh, neither are my sisters."

I sat up on my bed and leaned back on the head board. "Mmm so what does that mean?" I breathed out smiling to myself.

"It means your hand needs to be inside your pants and my finger is going to be underneath my skirt." She chuckled.

I stopped smiling and sighed and stayed quiet.

"Nikki? Nikki, you there?"

"Is it..is it always going to be like this?" I ask sadly.

She sighs. "No it won't, and I'm so sorry for making you feel like this."

"It's ok babe, I put us in this situation. I know if anyone finds out about us it will be a problem for you."

"I'm sorry Nik."

"I just...it's frustrating sometimes when I see couples out walking together hand and hand or kissing and touching. And I can't do that." I say with agitation.

It goes silent on her end. I don't mean to bring up all these things before Christmas because I don't want her feeling bad for leaving. But all these emotions are just coming in and I feel like I'm about to drown in them.

"Do you want me to come back?" She mumbles.

Yes baby I do, I really need you here with me cause I feel lonely. Is what I want to say.

"No babe, I want you with your family." I lie.

"I love you baby boy." She whispers.

Nikki you have to tell her you drank.

"Mani." I said with nervousness.

"Yeah."

"I.."

"Youuuuu..."

"I um.."

"Nik, you sure you're ok?"

I can't do it.

"I love you too princess." I whisper back feeling very guilty.

"Aww baby." She chirped. "So how about that hand?" She asks seductively.

Afternoon..

I woke up after a nap. I really fucking needed it. I huffed when I heard my phone ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sixx it's Robbin, what's up dude?"

"Hey King, I'm good." I say

"Hey listen sorry about Theresa this morning. She's been in a bad mood since yesterday. That's why I went out to drink. Had to get away from her." He laughed.

"Nah, it was my fault." I chuckle. "I puked on your carpet."

"So, any plans today?"

"Mm, no not really. I'm going to be here alone." I respond trying not to feel sad.

"Where's Mani? I thought she was with you, that's why I brought you back to my place."

"She's with her family in Canada spending the break with them."

"Wow, so Christmas came early for you huh." He chuckled humorously.

"Yeah...I guess." I frown a bit.

"So, can I come over? We can chill like old times. We haven't really hung out in a while."

A part of me wanted to say no because Robbin is still snorting, drinking, and injecting. And I am trying to stay sober. But a big part of me wants to say yes because I don't have anyone to hang out with. Last night we had a lot of fun hanging out. It was like old times.

"Uh..no I'm waiting on Mani's call and we're going to have phone sex. So I don't want you to hear that." I lie.

"Alright Sixx, well I'll let you go then. Call me if you change your mind."

"Yeah sure no problem."

I hung up the phone and rubbed my face. I got up and walked around my mansion. What's the point of having a big mansion with six bedrooms, four bathrooms, three living rooms, a huge backyard with a pool if I don't have a fucking family. Does that make sense?

I walked outside and walked around my pool. I then came back in and looked in my fridge for something to eat but I didn't feel like eating. I then sat back down on the couch and turned the TV on. I watched MTV but I felt a little bored after watching it for some time.

I went upstairs to my office to see if I could find a book to read or find something to do so I could pass the time, but there was nothing. I walked into my bedroom and looked at the two bottles of Jack Daniels sitting on the drawer. There an was ich that was starting to form in my body. I bit my fingertips and started twitching my toes.

"Fuck Nikki no." I growled turning around and walking out of the room. I stopped infront of the stairs and started pacing. "Fuck." I rubbed my face over and over again.

The feeling wasn't going away. I needed something to do to get the feeling to just leave me. Maybe one drink can help get rid of the loneliness. Yeah one drink will be fine. This time I'm not around Robbin or Riki so I can control how much I drink. Maybe I can call Tommy and see what he's up to. We're both in the same boat staying sober, we can both look out for each other so that we drink only a little. I walked back into my room and dialed Tommy's number. My leg was still bouncing up and down. I hope he answers.

This is a two part chapter. Couldn't fit everything in one.

[twatkins-blog1]

I dont understand how a parent can get upset to the point that they will put the child out their homes.Indeed it is a very challenging task and at times we may want to even throw in the towel, but then that child(ren) will have two parents that gave up on them in life. Society blames the gangs and streets for certain actions our children make or take in life, but it’s up to us as parent to make sure they stay on that righteous path of being successful in life, school and anything positive they may expect or want out of life. As a parent if all you show and give that child(ren) is negativity always putting them down or shooting down their hopes and dreams, thats when they begin to seek that love they lacked to receive at home from mom and da so they found it in the wrong individual or group, that led to bad descion making, jail and or death. Too many of our youth lives are being taken too soon, and its because they didnt belong in the street, their parent put them there. as a single mother there has been plenty of times I was overwhelmed with the stress of raising my daughter and instilling the proper morals and standards into her, never do or have I doubted anything she believes she can achieve or want to do. as parents we are supposed to be their number one fan and supporter no matter how old they get. Can’t always blame the streets or the friends they keep, sometimes its us as parents and the things we’ve said or done that has pushed their love and respect to the streets and gangs. #SAVEOURYOUTH

[jude-harley]

mental health wheeeee

i’m going to talk about some mental health stuff, it’s okay if you don’t read, there’s some self harm talk and some friendship drama (i don’t blame them but i still have some feelings and if u think it might apply to you don’t worry i still love and care about you unless you don’t want me to love and care about you in which case i will respectfully maintain my distance) and also i feel like it’s kinda guilt trippy but i literally don’t know so

it’s just alot of me dumping my thoughts and feelings i’m not trying to look a certain way i hope, and i’m not trying to argue anything i don’t know this is just feelings 

but i’d really appreciate it if you like the post if you do read the whole thing

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow okay so i got some feelings

see, for someone with mental health issues, a fucked up past, and all the shit i’ve gone through, i’m actually doing pretty damn well.

key word: for.

i....... mean, it’s like.

on the outside, i’m doing okay. i have pretty damn good grades (A’s and B’s, even at my super hard school!), i socialize with people, i eat, i sleep, i bathe myself (most of the time.) hell, i haven’t even self harmed! 

well, i don’t know if i’ve self harmed or not, i guess. i don’t really know what counts as self harm. but i haven’t caused any physical damage!!!!! 

and so, so, so many people would tell me i’m lucky. but i can’t help but feel, am i really?

i know that probably sounds incredibly fucking spoiled, but it’s like that one comic about how the broken cup is mended, and the chipped cup is cracked forever.

i’m not kidding when i say that. i internalize everything and trap my feelings and never let them out, but they don’t go away. ever. and then like, i don’t have a standard of what “normal” is, and i wind up suffering and in pair for so long because i just keep going and going and going and going and nobody notices and i think it’s normal because none of my work is affected and i’m still productive and i help other people so nothing must be wrong???

i stayed with my abusive mother for so fucking long because of that mentality

i guess what i’m saying is that the very specific life i’ve lead has cooked up a brain with a very weird.... brain thing. i don’t really think i can call it a mental illness?

see, my mental health so much revolves around other people. i need other people as a reference point for whats okay, it fluctuates based on other people’s opinions of me, i place my self worth on how useful and productive i am, and the main, absolute main reason i’ve stayed alive and never self harmed is because of other people.

but like.... not in a good or healthy way. well, right now, since i’m out of my abusive mom’s household i’m doing better and am trying to stay positive and motivated with things like “you can’t die yet because you haven’t shown your art to the guys who made avatar yet!” i mean, that’s still based around other people’s opinion of me, but at least it’s a more stable goal than appeasing my mother.

like, i swear, the day that she took away my computer, and screamed at me and hit me until i was sobbing in my bathroom, THE ONLY THING stopping me from cutting out of how much i hated myself was that it would make a mess, which was not good or productive.

and it’s just???? been like that for so fucking long???? i know “any reason to not self harm or commit suicide is a good reason” but it doesn’t FEEL like a good reason. i still hate myself so, so, so, so fucking much. i feel genuinely worthless. 

and it’s like.... you know, maybe it would be better if i self harmed? maybe i should? because then maybe someone would care because literally all it fucking takes for me to feel good is someone telling me i do good. that’s...... that’s fucking it.

and yeah i guess this is partially about some shit that happened with an online friend group that resulted in me getting banned from the group chat (i made a hitler joke without thinking, it was along the lines of “don’t kill baby hitler if u travel back in time lol” and spiraled so out of control) and i genuinely feel fucking awful about it. and i’m not angry at them. i’m really not. i guess i just wish that, i dunno.... honestly. i wish i knew how to think and what to do exactly? because i had fucked up without thinking before and i’ve apologized before and said i would get better, and i’ve really been trying, i’ve been trying so hard to get better, but like, they’ve said i haven’t actually gotten better and i do feel really bad and idk i don’t know if i actually have gotten better and they were just angry or if i haven’t improved i dunno

and like the worst part is that i feel like i can’t express that i really am sorry without sounding like a liar and a faker and fucking manipulative and just trying to get it over with (even right now!!!!) because that’s how my mom was and god i feel like even right now i’m making more fucking excuses because i’m just a shitty person like that. i’m so sorry if it is like that don’t feel bad 

but also i guess it’d be nice if when calling me out and shit they had made me feel like less of a despicable person like they literally did say alot of shit like that and i don’t even remeber who did it (there were three times i was called out within the group chat, the first time i really WAS doing something shitty and i needed to be called out and i felt alot.... idk cleaner afterwards and i think i really did improve

the other two times i guess it was really just one guy who’s real name i don’t know and a couple other people (it’s such a blur i can’t remember) who were fairly justified but idk i wish that they weren’t so harsh about it i guess. i mean they didn’t have to be like “what u did wasn’t that bad uwu” but it would have been nice if they had been more like “what u did was shitty, but you can learn from it.” i mean i’m not trying to be passive agressive here this is legit how i feel. also i feel like they didn’t believe me when i apologized and i’m paranoid about being guilt trippy when i talk about my feelings (see: my mother) and i guess this just made it worse because i can’t say that it’s just my mental illness, there’s a strong basis for fact here and every time i feel bad about it i just feel more guilt trippy and it’s a horrible vicious cycle

DISCLAIMER IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT I STILL LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM EVERY DAY BUT I WANT TO RESPECT THEIR DESCION TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE

mina, vi, madi, if you are reading this, i am sorry, i really am. you don’t have to forgive me or be friends with me again but i don’t hate you and i don’t want to hurt you. i understand that i might hurt you without meaning to and it’s better for you to be away from me, that’s okay. but i want you to know you aren’t bad people, and i don’t hate you or not like you, and you guys deserve the best stuff in the world.

i dunno, i guess this kinda got off topic. odds are they won’t actually read it, and i still feel guilty trippy and bad. like so so so fucking guilt trippy. i feel fake and like a faker and my moiral hasn’t been online for a while and i really miss her

tldr: i feel like fucking shit and a faker who guilt trips people because i hurt some people and feel about about it and because i manage to remain functional and productive despite my shit and it makes me feel like a faker and also makes me want to self harm because it’s not actually that bad unless i self harm. i don’t actually want to die thank god now that i’m out of my abusive mother’s household but i’m so close to self harming. 

WARNING I TALK A SHIT TON ABOUT DEATH AND SUICIDE AND SELF HARMING

i mean i feel like it wouldn’t hurt if i just. did it once. you know i already get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting myself i could maybe just..... cut myself a couple places on my arms. on my legs. not neat, messy, natural, like i got them in a fight or in an accident. but i guess then nobody would still notice unless i told them but maybe i could tell them 

but if i told them then i would just be a faker, right, cause i don’t actually wanna die. again, literally i don’t want to die because it would be an inconvenience to other people. i have maybe, like, one reason i don’t want to die that isn’t “i’d inconvience other people and make them sad despite the fact that i’m a useless piece of garbage because one, death in general makes people upset, two, i’m leave behind such a mess, not just physically, but with all the paperwork too, and three, people wouldn’t actually miss me all that much, they’d feel sorry for themselves, feel soooooo bad because oh no where did i go wrong, all the bullshit like that.” of course, some people would be more than inconvenienced, my dad, stepmom, sister, pets, and hopefully my two best friends would be heartbroken, but my mom would only mourn for her hypothetical daughter, not her real kid who’s gender is... i don’t even know. probably a boy and a girl. but she’d never accept it. 

anyway, my only reason for living other than what’s stated above is i have to go show the avatar guys my work, and my long term reason for living is making a tv show a la gravity falls that alex hirsch loves so much he guest stars in it and maybe even works on it with me.

so alex, if you go, i go too.

but yeah see if i did that i’d jsut be doing it for attention and everyone would hate me because i’m amking a mockery of a real and serious mental illness. and then if my dad found out i’d be sent to a mental institution for a week (protocol where i live, if your child shows suicidal ideation, send em to the hostipal) and other people would be like, “yeah i’m in cause i took 48 prozacs and then went swimming in a pool of vodka that i not only drank but attempted to drown myself in” and i’d be there like “yeah uh i cut myself once for attention and it was specifically planned out in a place that wouldn’t kill me but would attract just enough attention to get other people to sympathize with me because atm i don’t actually want to die, i just kinda hate myself” and then they’d all hate me cause i’m a fucking faker who’s passing all they’re classes and even did well in most of them and is on track and doesn’t do drugs or have sex or do anything dangerous and i don’t really hate myself and i’m just a fucking leech on resources who think’s they’re depressed BUT THEY ARENT AND I’M JSUT A DFUKCING PIECE OF SHIT

and see i know this would happen because at my local lgbt+ club lots of people think i’m a faker and a prude or maybe they don’t and they see me as 100% mentally healthy or they even envy my life and if i hated myself they’d be like “wtf????? ur life i so good man???? like, only one parent is abusive??? you have good grades???? you handle urself??? you have friends????? you aren’t as bad as me”

and okay maybe they don’t treat me like that and they probably don’t but it’s how i feel. i feel like shit and a faker but why do i want to hurt myself so much but not die that doesn’t make sense

but listen if you get to the end of this, and you are reading this. this isn’t a situation where i’m like, “tell me how awful i am” see because after reading this i guess you get that i hate myself but i don’t hate myself but i hate myself for not hating myself that much 

so if ur reading this and u wanna help yes, yes, validation and positivity and “ur not a horrible person or a faker” would be unbelivabley helpful because like i said i’m very impacted by other people

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I feel sick. On friday i came home dizzy feeling like I was dead walking and passed out sleeping for most of the night into the day. I woke up sunday feeling a lot better but as i tried to eat my body was not having it. Even now I can’t stomach too much but apples and even then that is pushing it. i feel like at any second i will puke but It’s a faint sensation. I had two dreams that had me startled and put a slight cloud on my day until i forced the thoughts away. The first was strange and happened about 2 days ago. i was in an apartment listening to a friend of mine talk about his life. I was trying my best to fight trying to have sex with him and failing. even going so far as to entering the bathroom with him. ugh. i was pretty upset at myself in my dream cause I watched myself do it but in my head I was like ‘why are you doing this. don’t do it’. so anyway I have a pair of headphones on connected to like a walkkie talkie and I hear my ex’s voice on the other end. he’s talking about old money business and i click the talk end and ask him to repeat it. He is shocked and he says ‘your voice is too much right now’ and I apologize and ask him to repeat it. he starts to cry and i can hear the emotion and I look up feeling his pain. It was strange because I didn’t really care too much about the situation. I feel like I already moved on from him a long time ago and I didn’t regret my decision at all but haring the pain and emotion in his voice was too much. the dream ends and its a shallow dream so i know im near to akinng up. I carried that with me for the majority of the morning and it bothered me because i feel like i am being punnihsed for how the relationship went. I dragged it on for longer then it needed to be. wayyy longer and I still look back now and regret it but I’m learning to move past it and not dwell too much on it. I eventually was brave enough to face being alone and potentially being unloved so there is that. The other dream happened today. jesus had a weir dtanget and left a silly conversation we were having. i think he really just wanted to step away from me and i was actually pretty okay with it. I feel when we talk too much it puts a strain on our friendship. i wanna-say relationship but...I don’t like that. Inn my head im much more happy seeing it as a friendship because that means its safe. i almost don’t give myself any reason to be jealous  about others and i can give him my love in friendship and that is much more better for me. but some things he said got to me. He was talking about how dull and boring my life would be without him and at first i just joked about it but now I’m startting to see his point. Would i have been exposed to music without him? not as intense bth.My obsession with music and desire to persue it in some shape or form was inspiredby him and who he pointed out to me. I covet his songs so much. They are like staples for me and i dunno im actually listening to one of his songs now (let ‘em know by bryson tiller). So now that he has done his typical thing pretending to be upset and leaving “for couple of days” I have time to think. Its also venus retrograde whihc is like time to revisit and reassess how I see love, how i want to be loved and how I love others. also how my relationships look like and if there is a need for change. This is a simplistic view but its my understanding of it. So I know his venus is in Leo. which lmao is very fitting. hmm sometimes i wonder if I need to slow down with my thoughts of him. I am fascinated by him, pused by him, fired up by him, irritated, annoyed, and some feelings that i cant or wont name. So where does that leave me? Sometimes in my head i’ll call him allan and that makes me pause. Am i waiting for a saviour again? if i am i need to step back and realize that that only ends in pain and dissapointed hope. My last relationship i leanre da lot but it was under duress. it was painful and like forced me out of my caccoon under his hand and i felt so constrained as i tried to heal. it was too much for me and he never did understand me. Now that i’m just feeling jesus out I now see i see him as a saviour and i’m torn bewteen seeing him as one and being okay with it. is it so bad to have friends as liferafts? but at the smame time i dont think he should be treated like one :/ idk its weird though things have been feeling so surreal to me. watching my hands type and literally giving form to my words is unsettling to me. I feel like something is happening to me and i’m scared that its something bad. i don’t rmember being so sick before. in 3 years i only ever experieneced slight sniffles and here i am full blown sick and shit. i’m worried for myself and my body.I ask for michael’s healing and proetction. I am in a strange place and I wonder what will become of all of this. I feel so out of place. maybe its the books i have been reading too. When i read i somtimes carry bits of it into my life. i wake up in this world slightly disjointed and off. I finished reading parable of the talents and that left me shook. i have oto write a book review for that but ive been avoiding it for some reason? anyway I’m a lil way halfway trough lilith’s brood and I find the book fascinating and also scary in a way. i’m not scraed perse about the alients. or maybe i am idk. I’m more scared of the future where women and children will be vulnerable. why is it that males resourt to being bullies again once oscieties are gone? why sare they the most dnagerous? i mean even now they still are and its wrapped up in laws, decorms etc but in a dystopian futuere? terrifying. I couldnt be like Olomina and dress like a man because I am too fullfigured and womenly to pass. i am worried for myself. I just want to be free....i dunno what is going on with me? I ffeel like im drifting in and out of reality and things feel dreamy. I had a thought about my empathy and pisces power and like...maybe all my empathy is for books? thats when i feel so misty and out of it after reading ike my mind really led me away. im happy im reading again at least. it unsettles me that i am becoming  a women. I am entranced with myself seeing the curves, my skin and body seeing how beautiful it is but also seeing how dangerous it is to me and my life. How many times will people punish me for how i look? men mostly. and i dont mind suing what power i apparently have over them but its like i know it will be used aaginst me soon. i never feel wrong for knowing that my body is beautiful. I know it is and i know i am beautiful and a creature many may want to touch and have. I am growing into it and i feel like a flower that is maturing before peoples eyes and im afraid. i know fear is bad so let me say mor elike it unsetles me. but with chnage comes growth and i feel like because of my freeizing myself as i unthaw and turn into who i was supposed to be i am going to blossom very quick. its also weird too because as I say i want this this and this in my body over time i gain that. i was so e skinny and i wished to be thicker and now here i am getting thicker and i know if i atemore id be even thikcer and yet my stomach has not changedd and actually has remained smaller then it as before? i am also finally looking pretty. i felt like such an ugly child and now i wonder if its not that im being graced with it now but that i am seeing it in myself. i know i have eyes that can trap people. I actually look away to make them feel comfortable because if i stare too long at eople they either get caught up in my face (men especially) or they paue for a second.. idk. i feel like im changing t into something that ahs power that i am not comfortble handling;. or am i just being dramatic? the voice in my head is soft and quiet and that is the true me. I have to protect her because thhis world wants to hurt her and she is too good for it. that sounds weird.. But i know i have to keep this shell around me because peope see weakness and want to go for it/. when i gaine dback my sag and leo self i have used it like a shield against people and emotions. only a few know about my soter side/. jesus nampende and allan do. allan has used it and used it agains me to quiet myself, jesus looks down on it and i think nampende is the only one who sees it and sympathzes with it. alone i am soft and always ondering. when im with peoplei am dynamic lughing being wild and having fun. i know that that needs to be my face to protect me. these days i feel like i need to make a descion.  I dont know when and what i need to decide on but i know something will happen soon in my life. something big. idk.maybe its the new moon in virgo? or maybe its just me. im usually okay with momnets of confusion but coupled with this sickness and weird feeling im worried. i had my period so im worired im pregnant but....idk.anywasy on a more shallower side im getting my hair done and im trying to get a new phone. i know its mostyly because i wanna just fuck show people i actually am cute asf? for some reason i cna never capture how beauiful i am in pictures. maybe its the dymanicness of my face. idk i mosty want jesus to se it i think he thinks im ugy af and im like not??? if he saw me in person i dont think he would be saying and talking to me the ay he does. but i cant help things and tb its better that way. if i eve rsee him it will be a good suprise for me when i smirk at him like boyyyy you don fucked up;. anywyas im being etty and yes my exercises ha and will be fueled with this drema in mind veen tho i know it may not actually happen nor go the way i want ti to go. ughh sometimes i forget that im 23 and dont need to have it ll figured out. like thast not un expuse but i always be putting so much pressure on myself to know so much and catch up because i froze so much of myself. i know my body ma=eant well with how it chose to protect me but sis, i suffer lol.I am trying my best to just do my best. I feel tested and tested constantly but i guess with trying to be a better person and working on yourself. oh wait. PLUTO. i remmeber asking pluto a month ago to reveal all my bad shit a lotttt over the course of a month and sicne its a slow moving planet its prob now just hitting me. yikes. well if i cna make it through this then i really will be rdy for anything. so much pressure and stimulation i know i can survive but damn i need a break and shit.well i have tomorrow off so im probgonna chill and dhit. i have a meeting with some witches and other femmes in about an hour so lmao idk man im just trying my best. I hoope the universe sees that im trying because awd jesus i am. I love myself through this no matter what. the feeling that im gonna die is creeping up again its so strange i hvent felt this oh...its probably just anxiety over this sickess. ugdwheteriutuieyte45465hthrethuwt im gonna stop lol this has been too long already (peep the change in tone thast my sag self shining through)