#i just figured people deserve some sort of explanation ig

[elytrafemme]

actually im going 2 rephrase. im not against self diagnosis & im happy if my experiences can help other ppl figure things out & im sure im a hypocrite bc even my BPD thing is like... well u werent given a questionnaire and diagnosed professionally so none of the other stuff that went into this realization both on my and my therapists end matters. so its like im sure ppl think that im faking this too and by God i am scared that IM faking this lol. 

but what i just get. upset by ig is like... i think bc im in the same shoes but like. sometimes u read info abt mental health disorders & the info is online and meant 2 distill the experience down to be easily understood and ppl are like ok! This Applies To Me bc ultimately every disorder at its basis relates to some kind of human experience it just gets amplified thats all the controversy with the dsm5 etc etc

and i know bc i did that! when i was trying to figure out what was wrong w me (and repressing any part of me that thought it was BPD) i looked into disorders and went Oh Shit Thats Me bc i wasnt looking at testimonials or actual diagnostic info or studies yet i was like. well this summarized version (still from a reputable source or primary source. thats important these arent like random ass websites right) makes sense to Me. i did this with bipolar because i knew i had depressive episodes and i kenw i had periodic hypomanic (which i think at this point is below hypomanic but still some sort of psychological manic response, its complicated i can explain if anyone cares etc) so i was like this is probably it! but when i actually figured out ok how does bipolar affect ppls lives how does it manifest across a WIDE sample i was like oh, no. this doesn’t really make sense at all. 

and when u further deconstruct disorders as like... theres so much overlap and sometimes the traits that could be explained by X disorder are better explained by Y disorder bc to an extent these labels are ‘arbitrary’ (not the right word but u get it), you realize like ok. what im worried about IS valid but these arent the explanations. 

this is all to say that i get it and im not upset at ppl for being in different stages of realizing that. 

i think what upsets me is when i try to articulate 2 people like. here’s my experience w/ this right and its like, already so so hard to articulate bc  how do i capture this in a way that doesnt raise alarm but is inherently alarming but without that element of risk it just sounds too abstract? it sounds very much non maladaptive when i try to take out the parts that are really really bad so even trying to explain why i act the way i act is extremely vulnerable. and then bc i cant explain it ppl are like “oh omg i do that too” or they do the far less favored “girl that’s normal” which ppl, actually do say to me.

and i dont like this idea of ‘trauma olympics’ or comparison or whatever but i do think to an extent its important to emphasize that like... a lot of symptoms are really intense versions of what a person may everyday experience heres a BPD related example right. everyone has had times where they are irrationally hating a close friend of theirs. ESPEC if that relationship is already complicated . so whenever i talk about splitting ppl are like no no thats normal or Oh yeah i get it.

but splitting isnt “i have a complex dynamic w a person i have heavy emotional investment with therefore sometimes i really hate them” and splitting isnt “me and my friend have this underlying tension and now i kind of want them dead”. splitting for me is like... i would throw away my entire future for someone bc there is no no way that anything they want could be morally wrong. and then in the next moment i am CONVINCED i have to kill them because they are immoral and deserve to be hunted down because they are manipulative and vile and abusive. and its the same person and this could be an ENTIRE fucking stranger, ive done this with ppl ive known for like. a total of an hour. 

so its not like im trying to tell people like no you dont have BPD no you dont split etc. but its hard to say like. you dont get it. bc that makes people want to duouble down right!

but sometimes ppl dont get it. and it sucks bc i feel like im at a place where i HAVE to explain whats going on with me (tho ive resisted telling some ppl thank God) but whenever i do i regret it bc they very clearly do not get it and they’re trying but they like. make jokes about me being “actually a horrible person” or talk about how i need medication and its like. if you listened you would remember why i cant do that but at this point i dont think u listened i think the words went to your ears and you forgot what they all meant at all. 

[lxngbottom]

Mistakes That Last Forever. | N.L.

in which neville stumbles across... an “old friend”.

warnings: mentions of cheating, angst, pregnancy, slight trauma mentions (lmk if i missed any!)

i got inspired for this by an outsider imagine that i read like a really longgggg time ago... so enjoy this ig (AND YES THERE WILL BE A PART 2 TO THIS)

(PART 2)

—

neville’s whole life had been filled with regrets. they seeped into his skin, torturing his clouded mind on day to day basis. the trauma from the second war had left a mark on him, and even though he was now in the infamous herbology professor at hogwarts, he still didn’t feel as if he was living the life he had always wanted to. he didn’t feel successful, he didn’t feel... good about himself. and the main source of that?

you.

his biggest regret was losing you. hurting you. leaving you in such a needing time.

it had all started after the war. you two had been inseparable since 2nd year, as you were the one who had helped him down from the chandelier when he was tragically hung up by those pesky pixies. and ever since then, he was enamored with you. he was consumed by the mere thought of you. and, your feelings didn’t differ too much.

so, you two became official in your 4th year. you two were each other’s firsts for practically everything that could be a first. and, you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. you were so in love with him, it tore you from the inside out.

but unfortunately, the war arrived. and, it took a huge toll on your relationship. it affected each bit of what you guys had built together. after the war had ended, you guys tried so hard to make it work. but, neville... it seemed as if he just... gave up.

you would never forget the day you came home from work to your shared apartment, and heard strange noises coming from your bedroom. you went up, deep down, already knowing what the noises were. and of course, when you opened the door, your worst nightmare had became a reality. and even worse?

you were pregnant.

neville knew this too, but, he felt as if he had spent so long being “stuck” in a relationship with you, he never got the chance to meet new people. and because of that, for the sake of your child, you left. because, he had left you first, and he had done something unforgivable. something that would leave you scarred, and something that would take hold of you for years.

but, now things were different for you. you were more than content with where your life was at right now. you had an amazing job as the journalist for the daily prophet, and you were damn good at it too. it was a collective agreement that you were definitely a step up from rita skeeter.

neville couldn’t disagree more, though. not that he didn’t think you were good at your job, he always thought that you were an amazing writer. but, he had to force himself to cancel his personal subscription to the daily prophet, as the simple mention of your name on the front page, or sometimes, maybe even your picture, broke his heart to see. some from guilt, but mostly, from just missing you.

just five years later, here you were. walking through a muggle hardware store, looking at all of the houseplants that surrounded the small garden.

“mummy, look!”

you whipped your head around, and smiled when you saw your small son, chubby just like neville used to be when he was young. you had always tried to disregard the fact that he looked exactly like his father, but it was difficult to. you loved your son, with everything you had in your body, but, he was a constant reminder of all the pain that had been caused.

“very nice, nev!” you giggled, watching as your son played with a single pink flower bouquet. he grinned at you, and suddenly plucked the fresh flower off of it’s stem. you gasped, and wanted your hand at him, “neville longbottom! we don’t do that! do you want to get in trouble?!”

his face contorted into a guilty one as he made those ridiculously adorable puppy dog eyes at you, “i’m sorry, mum... i-i-i didn’t know. i was trying to pick it for you...”

you couldn’t help but to feel a little guilty as he sadly dropped the broken off flower on the floor, watching as it blew away from the huge fan that hung above the both of you.

“it’s okay, dear. but, try not to pick them from the actual stems, okay? just... look on the floor. you’ll see a bunch of free flowers everywhere.” you teased, sending him a small smile. he looked up at you, and those sad puppy dog eyes quickly sparkled with excitement as he ran away, looking around the garden for those small, long forgotten flowers.

you chuckled quietly to yourself as you watched your son, seeing how his eyes glowed from all of the plants.

yeah. he was definitely neville’s son.

you turned your body back around, attempting to continue your shopping. but, your body then collided with another, causing you to come to a complete halt.

“oh, merlin! i’m so—“ you were just about to spurt out multiple apologies, until, you looked at the figure.

there he was. tall, muscular, and a intent gaze fixated on his face as he stared at you.

“n—neville?”

he was so shocked. he couldn’t even let out a single mutter. you were right there. right in front of him. after not seeing you for so long, but thinking about you always, you were finally right here.

“y/n...” he breathed out finally, trying to not show how incredibly nervous he was.

this was the first time you two had seen each other since the day you packed all of your things, and left him standing alone at the door step that once belonged to the both of you. he could never seem to part with the apartment, the whole environment still leaving trails of you. so, of course, he still resided there during his off times.

“um—wow... shit—i’m sorry. you know... for bumping into you...” he laughed nervously, stepping away from you. you gave him a nervous chuckle as well, trying to hide the redness that was now blending within your skin.

“oh—it’s alright. i should’ve—you know... been watching where i was going...”

neville opened his mouth to respond, as he wanted to ask you so many things. but, he was interrupted by a small child running up to you, tears streaming down his face as he clutched onto your leg.

“mum...” he sniffled out, and you looked down with a concerned look on your face, “t-t-the lady yelled at me...i-i-i accidentally b-broke one of the f-f-flowers...”

neville knew those eyes. he knew that familiar stutter. he knew those tears. it was like practically looking into a mirror.

that was his son.

you looked over at neville nervously, seeing realization flashing in his green orbs. but, you bent down to neville jr, who was an absolute mess. he never took kindly to people getting onto him, especially if they were yelling.

“oh... it’s alright, nev. we have a whole garden at home that we can grow flowers in...” you reassured him, wiping his small tears. he nestled into your touch, “why don’t you go and pick out some seeds? any kind you like... i’ll get them for you.”

there was a shy smile on his face as you said that, and he looked over at the strange man that stood baffled beside you.

“okay...” he sniffled, wiping his nose, “but... who’s that?” he asked, pointing to neville.

you had never told your son about his father, and you had hoped that he never would. but, you knew the day would come. you just didn’t think that day would be today.

“an old friend, darling. now, do as i say and go find some flowers, alright?”

your son nodded, reluctantly leaving you with the tall man that he had no idea the identity of. you stood up fully awkwardly, and looked over at neville who’s face was now angry.

he watched as the boy ran off, “he doesn’t know who i am?” he asked through gritted teeth, his eyes narrowing at you.

you looked back at him, “nev—“

“no... how could you not tell him? that’s my son, y/n. you—you told me you were putting the baby in adoption... how could you lie to me? and him? why would you do that?”

you knew you owed the man an explanation, but all at the same time, he had brought this upon himself. and yeah, maybe it was fucked up that you had lied to him, but, you genuinely did believe at the time you were getting rid of the baby.

“neville... not here. please...”

“no, y/n. you owe me a goddamn explanation. i mean... this is my fucking child we’re talking about. look at him! he looks just like me!”

you looked over at the chubby boy, watching him closely as he skimmed through seeds, staring at the images on the front.

“don’t you think i know that, neville?” you whispered, “listen... we can talk about this. but, not here. and, not while he’s around...”

“no! i want to talk to him! i deserve it—goddamn it, y/n! how could you fucking do this to me?!”

“and how could you cheat on me?! after everything we went through together! you fucking left me in the dust!”

he could see the pain in your eyes. there was obviously still a lot of hurt, so much rage pent up from the whole scenario. of course you had never fully gotten over it. it was still something you thought about on a daily basis, as you had believed at one point that you would be married to neville by now.

“y/n...” neville started, stepping closer to you, “i—i never meant to hurt you...”

you stared into his eyes for a moment, trying to find some sort of other answer other than that stupid apology you had heard so many times before.

“it doesn’t matter, longbottom. i have to go. we can talk about this whole thing another time. goodbye.”

[all-of-the-imagines-for-eve]

United We Stand ~ Sweet Pea (Part 7)

A/n: Haven't updated this in a MINUTE, huh? Well, here's to the continuation ig lol

Word Count: 2537

MASTERLIST

Alene completely disappeared.

The first day Sweet Pea tried not to think about it but after an entire week passed where he saw absolutely nothing of her, he was worried. The others, who had classes with her, said they didn't see her in class. She wasn't coming gone to the trailer. THE trailer, because it wasn't his anymore. It was theirs. Except that now that she was gone it was just a place he lived, not the new kind of home they'd built together.

He hadn't even realized how much of his life was her. It was weird to sleep without her figure against his, her warmth and breath felt against his skin. Without waking up to see her face or hear her voice. Even just knowing that she was okay or being sure that she was well rested and had something to look forward to or smile about or a moment to relax and that no one had picked on her to much. Or... worse.

He was going out of his mind with worry. He got so desempate that he went to her dad's house. He knocked on the door, ready to face the worst, only to be surprised when a tired man that seemed ready to fall apart answered.

This was not the same man that had wrenched the door opened the night Sweet Pea had taken Alene away from this house, but he did have the same face. Did the Devil Man have a righteous twin?

"Uh... are you Alene's dad?"

The man looked up hesitantly, his shyness reminding Sweet Pea of how Alene used to be when they first met. It made him uneasy and he found himself readying for a jump scare or some sort of attack. "I have to say yes, don't I?" His eyes watered and he whimpered. Sweet Pea shifter uncomfortably. "She's gone. Been gone so long. Probably killed herself and it's all my fault. I'm such a terrible father. I wish she would come home. Place is so... empty without her. I miss her. Martha..." the man moaned miserably and Sweet Pea turned and walked away. She wasn't here. He didn't know who Martha was but Alene definitely wasn't here.

He hated to think about her in that house, getting beat on and touched and used in every way and then made to feel bad for the person who was ripping away at her with his claws. How evil does someone have to be to turn her disappearance into an occasion to talk about himself? He hadn't even asked if Sweet Pea knew anything, or asked why Sweet Pea was there or how he knew her. No, he was fishing for reassurance that he wasn't a terrible father. He was fishing for a compliment, an ease. It sickened Sweets. No wonder she stayed. She pitied him. She was too pure for her own good.

He waited until Monday, planning on going to the police after school if she wasn't there again. He'd been avoiding it because if anyone would be considered when a South Side-friendly North Sider went missing would be the Serpent who asked about her... but her safety was worth him being stereotyped and over analyzing and run through the wash.

Conveniently, that was the day he noticed her.

He hadn't realized it, but recently she'd worn more decisive colors. Black and purple and neons and pastels. Lively colors that drew the eye and made her pop out. Today, she wore one of her old shirts: a beige, long sleeved sweater and faded grey-black jeans. Turns out she had had a bunch of jeans that had just worn out over time, not one pair she wore every day. It hadn't been an issue before, but now she faded into the walls, keeping her head down and her body small and she weaves and bobbed and dodged and stayed hidden.

His eyes went wide. How had she backtracked so much from where she had been before?

...What had happened to knock her down?

"Lee!" He called, trying to maneuver through the crowd to her. The girl froze, her body responding without her permission. That voice, that name. It wasn't within her power to resist it. And once she saw his face? It was over.

He found his way to her, his hands hovering between them, wanting to touch her, but not sure if she wanted him to.

Spoiler alert: She VERY MUCH wanted him to.

He looked around at the most students who were giving them side eyes and slowing down to try and hear their conversation. He swallowed. "Can we... talk?" He looked at her desperately.

"What do we have to talk about?" She asked. Her eyes met his and he realized that despite her skill of blending in and fading out, she hadn't really backtracked at all. She still had all her confidence, she was just using it to hide.

His face twisted in hurt. "Lee-"

"Don't call me that," she snapped. He stepped away from her. She might as well have slapped her. She just needed a distance. She needed space. She needed him to stop saying that name with that voice, low and soothing and full of concern. It was too painful, too distracting. To him though, it seemed she was cutting that last string that held them together. They were worryingly far apart and he couldn't even begin to reach her.

His lips parted but no sound came out. He closed his mouth. She clasped her hands behind her back to try and keep hold of her self control. Finally he found his words. "So that's it?" His teeth locked together and the edge of his jaw pressed against his skin, working and grinding.

She looked around at the students too. Yeah, this wasn't a good place. "Let's go somewhere else," she said quietly. He followed numbly after her as she guided them outside, to the football field that was abandoned during school hours. The bell rang in the distance but neither of them much cared. Honestly school could suck it.

When they stopped, she stayed facing away from him. Her eyes were watering and her hands, now clasped in front of her, were shaking. His words ran through her head again and again as she swallowed her own words she was so desperate to say. That's it, he had asked. As if it was up to her. As if SHE had been the one to say that was it for them. SHE had not said that they would not work. Put this space between them that was killing her. She had hid, doing everything she could to be invisible in this school once again. And when she was really hiding, it seemed Sweet Pea was the only one who could see her. What did that mean? Maybe it didn't mean anything! Maybe she was just so desperate for an alternative ending to this story that she was searching for something that wasn't there.

Maybe she'd been a fun experiment this whole time. Could he solve the puzzle? Could he figure her out? Could he find a North Sider that wasn't complete shit? But then he'd gotten too involved and now...

Sweet Pea swallowed as he went to say her name to get her attention and then thought of her snapping at him not to say it. She didn't want him to call her Lee but he couldn't bring himself to call her Alene. He couldn't do that, it would be final then. "Hey," he croaked. He closed his eyes. "It's not easy for me to open up to someone that isn't one thing or another. I used to think this world was black and white, and then you cake along and became this gray area that scared and intrigued me and I was so drawn to you." He took a step closer. "So I'm not good at this. This gray area. This word thing. Opening up and turning what I'm feeling into explanation. But what I said, it... I didn't mean that we would never work. I meant... I meant that seeing you look so North Side terrified me because, what if you realize what South Side Serpents really are, you know? We're not always butterflied and safety nets. We're not always big and strong. We don't always win. We're not heroes. We do bad things and get involved with bad people. I mean, Tall Boy for one. The Snake Charmer." He flinched at the memories of the two people he never wanted to see again. "What I'm saying is that you're so... good. You deserve to be happy and safe and sure of where you are, and you can't have that with me. And I'm terrified you're going to realize that."

Lee turned slowly to face Sweets and both froze upon seeing each other's expressions. Both of their eyes were watery and her hands were shaking as he wrung his wrists. They were falling apart.

"This is ridiculous," Lee groaned. "Let me tell you now, I know you're not perfect. That the Serpents aren't perfect. But I was willing to work to make it work, imperfections and all. You aren't a safety zone, Sweets, you're my-" she cut off, suddenly realizing that they'd never officialized anything. She was so stunned that something came out of her mouth that she had been trying not to say. "I love you." Her eyes widened and Sweet Pea didn't move a single muscle, trying to process. "You're not perfect and you're not all good. But what the fuck ever!" She looked at him, her words growing louder. "I'm NOT a princess. I'm a prisoner. Cheryl is a princess. Betty is a princess. I'm trapped in this stupid world I want nothing part of, looking for a reason to escape. YOU are that reason, Sweets. You want to know what was going on when I was with all those North Siders? I was enjoying a joke. A temporary phenomenon." She stepped closer to him. "I went deep into hiding since we've been apart. Kept my head SUPER low and took absolutely no risks. No one else could see me, Sweets. I disappeared. I was invisible again... to everyone except you. I think I knew. I avoided you so much because I was scared you wouldn't see me like everyone else, even more scared that you would. But you saw me and it's so much better than I thought it would be." Her eyes closed. "I get it if you don't feel the same but-"

Sweet Pea rushed her. Their lips met and his hands pulled her close. She went tense, freezing, and then even so slowly responded. Her lips worked with his, her hands reaching up and tangling in his hair. They fused together, and to anyone watching it wasn't completely sure where one stopped and the other started. It was heated, their bodies lighting on fire. It was impossible to move, breathe, or even think because the sizzling and burning that made it impossible to part also made it unbearable to stay together. She shivered and his hands tightened on her.

Finally it ended. Mercifully. Unfortunately. The fire was terrible except that it was also life giving and cleansing. It super charged them and wiped every other emotion off the table. It was painful and it hurt oh so good.

When they did finally stop kissing, they didn't stop touching, keeping the fire alive. Their foreheads pressed together, their noses brushing and their breaths mixing. "I love you too," Sweet Pea whispered. The words were huskier than usual. Still smooth though, soft and gentle and full of ease and warmth. He suddenly dipped down, kissing her again. "I love you." Another kiss. "I love you." Each fast kiss came with little confessions between them, over and over again until they were laughing, Sweet Pea weak at the knees and Lee trying to wipe the tears that wouldn't stop. "Don't cry," he begged quietly.

"These are happy tears," she comforted him. "I don't think I could stop them if I tried." She laughed. "I AM trying, so-" Another laugh.

Sweet Pea smiled. "We're so dumb," he groaned. Lee groaned in agreement, her forehead pressing on his chest.

Lee leaned back, looking at the world around them. The sun seemed to shine brighter, the colors more vibrant and the movements of cars and wind-pushed plants smoother and more natural. She leaned away from him, grabbing one of his hands with two of hers. He rose an eyebrow and she winked. She sat down in the middle of the field, tugging him until he sat down next to her. "Lay down with me," she asked him, patting the grass. He did so, his expression unsure but curious. On instinct he put his hand under his head, his arm sticking out. She smiled, laying on her side right next to him, scooting as close as possible. The arm that was between her body and the ground she slipped under his folded arm, laying on top of their arms. Her other arm went over him and the leg on the same side of that arm went on top of the leg that was closest to her. Without thinking about it he put the other leg on top of the one she'd placed on top of his. His free hand moved down to allow his thumbs to trace her bare arm. The arm she had under his, under her head, she bent to brush her fingers through his hair or across his shoulder.

It was comfortable. So comfortable it surprised Sweet Pea. She moved closer so that her ear was pressed against the connection between his arm and his chest. She hummed. "I can hear your heartbeat."

He smiled. "How did you learn how to do this?"

She blushed. "I read a lot of books. And watch movies." Her smile was soft. "My mom used to tell me stories, snuggling up with me when Is have panic attacks. She said this was the most comfortable position she'd ever found to cuddle in...." The more she talked the quieter her voice got.

Sweet pressed his lips briefly to her forehead. "You never talk about your mom," he quietly noticed.

"She left," Lee answered. "I don't blame her, my father is... terrible. Tried to take me with her but I wouldn't go. He begged me not to." She flinched and Sweet Pea held her tighter. "I'm glad I didn't go. Despite everything... I look like her. He used to call me Martha."

Sweet Pea's eyes widened. "Your mom is Martha?" He felt sick.

Lee nodded. "Yep." Her words grew strained. "He used to say I was just as pretty as she was."

"I love you," Sweet Pea said.

She smiled. "I love you too."

With the sun above them and the grass under them and their words between them, they were cocooned in soft safety. Nothing existed outside of them. It was just them, here, now. Lee's past was dark and demented, but her present was good and her future seemed to be looking even better. Nothing else mattered.

-

Story Tag List: @shookyungsoo

FTL: @chipster-21 @alexa-playafricabytoto @bitchyseawitch @justanotherdaydreamersoul @wolfgirlxslytherin

[winterscldicr]

The Loudest Silence - Part 4

Pairing: Bucky x Reader Warnings: pregnant!reader, swearing(it’s me guys... it’s gonna happen), flashbacks, angst, heartbreak,  Wordcount:  1.2k Summary: After a few weeks of trying to decide how to tell Bucky something important. She is cut off when Bucky has something to tell her to. After finding out the reader previously, voluntarily, worked for HYDRA Bucky didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. With a few of the team members taking his side, and Wanda taking hers. The odds just seemed to be against her. Information about the reader: The reader has the ability to control the elements. Author’s Note: This has been a long time coming right? Okay so I know this isn’t the best part. But I just wanted to get SOMETHING out for you guys so here you go. A lot of this part IS flashbacks. And you will see it from Bucky’s point of view. Sorry for any mistakes in advance.{gif is not mine} Playlist: Madilyn Bailey - Scars, Tinashe - Flame, Sofia Kalberg - A Bible Of Mermaid Pictures (Acoustic), Zara Larsson - Funeral, Little Mix - Cannonball 

PREVIOUS PART || NEXT PART- coming soon

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As Wanda led Y/N out of the kitchen, Bucky stood in place, mortified. His eyes scanned the room catching sight of Steve who was looking down sighing. Both Tony and Bruce were trying to contain the sprays of water. Natasha was mumbling to Clint who looked looked like he wasn't sure what to do next. Soon they both left with Natasha mumbling "sort this out." to Bucky as she passed by.

Bucky eventually found his feet and began to head the direct of where Wanda and Y/N had went. Steve was quick on his tail placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder as they reached the door. "Not yet, give her a moment to calm down first." Of course, Steve was right, Y/N was far too angry. If Bucky had pushed her more she would have thrown a fire ball at his face. Not that he didn't deserve it, Bucky just didn't fancy the idea of being set on fire.

He couldn’t believe what he was being told. Y/N apart of HYDRA. That couldn’t be true, she would’ve told him, right? Needless to say he had to find out for himself. With all the gears and cogs twisting and whirring around in his mind, his rationality was shot. It wasn’t until he saw the heartbreak on Y/N’s face that he had realised he had gone too far.

“For fuck sake don’t you see! I don’t want anything to do with you, I don’t want to see your face I don’t want to be anywhere near you!” He snapped. “Bu-buck…” She whispered only for him to shout again. “Just leave, Y/N.” The sound of a chain breaking tore her gaze away from him and to her chest. A hand that he saw as nothing but delicate instantly flew to the now empty space. His heart stopped as he glanced towards his hand, in it, her necklace. Given to her by her mother. The only keepsake she had left of her. Out of shock he dropped it trying his best to keep tight lipped and stoic. The perfect representation of what one would call a poker face.

Before any more words were said Y/N had bolted and all around him were the disapproving looks of his friends. “That was a bit much don’t you think?” Wanda hissed glaring up to Bucky. “Do you honestly… honestly want her gone?” He shook his head feeling his heart drop into his feet. What did he do? He couldn’t talk, all he managed to do was think about Y/N's broken locket and stalk off to his own room without a single word.

Fast forward to the night he saw her eating alone at the kitchen table. His heart broke. He did this. He made her feel like she couldn’t be apart of something. He singled her out, made her vulnerable. “You need to eat… it’s fine.” He needed her to be okay, to be healthy, he was just glad that she was in fact eating. Sure not at the best of times. But eating nonetheless.

He had been woken up due to a nightmare and had figured that a nice bowl of soup would do him some good. He looked a mess and he knew that. Then she didn’t look to great either. Except to Bucky, she still managed to look like the most stunning person he had ever laid his eyes on. “It’s not fine and you know it.” She had retorted sharply making him frown. She wasn’t looking at him. If anything she was refusing to. Before he could get a word in she had excused herself leaving him alone. His appetite completely done for.

As the months past he couldn’t bring himself to face his love. Guilt overshadowed him, creating a big metaphorical storm cloud over his head everywhere he wandered. He hardly saw Y/N, not because he didn’t want to. But because every time he walked into the room she found an excuse to leave. Until the point where he didn’t even get a glimpse of her. She distanced herself, barely came out of her room, hardly spoke a word to anyone. The dynamics of the group changed drastically, bickers erupted. People argued over what she did or how she kept it from them. Bucky hardly got involved though, he didn’t want to.

He didn’t leave the interrogation because he couldn’t face hearing what she had to say. No. What he couldn’t face was her cries for help, how the agents man handled her. If he stood by to watch any longer he would have hurt someone, did something he seriously regretted. Gone back to square one. Everything Y/N helped him move past. He couldn’t stand watching as they injected her. So he left the room. He didn’t want to see he cry, or hear that she was being held in a cell like a damn prisoner.

That night he had a nightmare, the worst one he had since not being with Y/N. They were bad anyway, but without her by his side they were unbearable. All he saw was Y/N holding a knife to his throat, a sinister laugh. A trick of the mind telling him he deserved everything he got. He didn’t deserve a happy ending. Only death. He made his way to the kitchen still half asleep when he came face to face with his teammates. When he laid eyes on Y/N for the first time in months. Something was different about her, yet, he couldn’t fathom what exactly it was. He was still half asleep, still thinking of the Y/N he saw in his nightmare, he couldn’t see straight nor hear correctly. He didn’t want to hear anything anyone had to say in that moment because he knew he wouldn’t hear it right so he cut in.

“Are you serious? No! She’s manipulating you Steve! She’s manipulating all of you, that’s just what Hydra does.” His words flew from his lips without hesitation. That’s when he heard the whimper. No…. that couldn’t be his Y/N. Not again. He had done it again.

“I’m pregnant!!”

Her words cut through him like a knife. He winced as she backed away from him. His lips parted ready to give her an explanation, but he didn’t get a chance. Not that he blamed her, it was exactly what he did to her after all.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he watched Wanda steer her away from the room. His eyes starting to fully focus once more. “I didn’t mean it, Steve.” His words came out broken, his voice weak. For once he didn’t care that everyone could see him so vulnerable. All he cared about was making it up to Y/N. Steve led Bucky into the lounge watching a stray tear trickle down his cheek. “What’s been going on, Buck?” Bucky took a beat before turning to his best friend and explained everything. “I need help, Steve. I don’t want to lose her. I know I fucked up. I know that. I just… How do I fix this? I’ll do anything, just I don’t know where to start.” As the brunet turned more to Steve his eyes showed nothing but pain and loss. Not only did he push the love of his life away but now he had just found out he pushed away their child. His child. He had to fix it. He just didn’t know how.

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