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lullaandby · 4 years

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SECTION C.

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.

a treasure chest of anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo! You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

"These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad.

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

Dad. We're done here.

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away.

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese

Do it out

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential.

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one.

STORY- ME

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION.

Repression in females comes from mis placed validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

Jessica simpson?

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

MOTHER SHAME.

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

Just do it out. Oprah.

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science.

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

*****

SECTION D.

KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

BJs WHOLESALE

FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

You’ll have

infinite protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

Poetry.

POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

"I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

WHY WE KILL THEM

Let him live.

Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

How men don’t listen

How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

PHD. /// BOB

MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

DAVIDS BIRDAL

BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out because couples lie

S- CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

Black Lab

Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

*****

SECTION F

OVERSHARE****

METH NANNY pt2. 20 seconds

My go to overshare detail

Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

They'll go-

"ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened? {really dramtic sad face}

did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

it that what you did?

well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

The guy in the office who does barely any work,

yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

which is strange.

I've never stayed in a job past a year.

So Historically I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

Stories- work

*******

****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

FRIENDS (material. )

AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational FB posts turn into daily ones.

I called up one of my best friends after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

How did you know? She said.

If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

FRIEND BREAK UPS

TRUE FEMINISM

QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos and said, "oh my God.

Isn't he soooo hot?"

I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

and that’s Nasty Caroline.

And she said, " I know. I know-

{caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you. Keep building that tower."

We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

That’s not one of them.

Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

Twerking on a case by case basis.

SECTION G

MOCHA

OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

It feels incredible.

Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

for an empty ketchup bottle.

And you realize just they're working out a wide array of anger management issues.

Not really. on. my team.

CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

ah- but you had a whole craft bin.

I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

A hat with a pom pom?

Story- affirmative action

****

SECTION H.

DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means parents periodically send me unsolicited snapshots of their little cuties.

Which- is the same as a dick pic.

That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

Perhaps it’s because my personality is it’s own restraining order.

I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

In my twenties.

But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

And it all makes sense

DATING

Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

Ladies have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

Take body maintenance.

My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

including. her butthole.

Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

It's a welcome statement.

NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.

That's the aesthetic I desire.

A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

It's doable.

Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

BB tag. Dinner party.

***

2. CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3. Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

5. “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

7. Boys are always selling

8. At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

SECTION I

2. ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3. Brother is a nerd

5. NERDS

7. Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

10. Put you down for not knowing things

11. Ask about things they know you don’t know

12. Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13. Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.

15.

16. They don’t value.

17. Having athletic ability

18. Knowing about pop culture

19. Being able to socialize

20. Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21. Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22. Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.

24.

25. Things they do.

26. Being lauded for smart achievements

27. Knowing things in their field

28. Knowing niche culture things

29. Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.

31.

32. Things they get pissed off on.

33. If you don’t validate their knowledge

34. Making fun in anyway way

35.

36.

37. The kardashians of education.

38. Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.

40.

41. Reformed

42. Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.

44. Double down

45. Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46. Like doughnuts

47.

48. Dabbling

49. Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.

51. Professor

52. Debates and bows out when they loose

(The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)

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