#i just hate how ppl use body types like that as an excuse to objectify & also just behave in ways that make me uncomfy to read | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

femme-energy · 4 years

Text

I’m not going to lie I feel somewhat better after having this conversation. I haven’t talked about this man or topic in months because I didn’t feel the need to but here we are. This all stemmed from one question.

my best friend asked, “Dawg if someone were to come to you right now and say “Ana I have strong feelings for you” would you call it bullshit

I answered with:

“Absolutely. I strongly say that because i haven’t been emotionally available to anyone, not even online. I was going back and forth with my thoughts on being emotionally unavailable. i wonder if I’m emotionally unavailable because I’m scared or is it because I’m just not in a place to be vulnerable? It’s easy for me to establish platonic and romantic dynamics w/ ppl, but I realized I’m not on that time and haven’t been for awhile. Perhaps I’m emotionally unavailable b/c i can’t see myself being vulnerable. idk. what i do know is that i don’t like how this makes me feel. Vulnerability comes easy to me and i enjoy being that way with people. However, perhaps my previous relationship really fucked me up. In a way where I’m good with establishing any kind of connection with someone or maybe it’s because I can’t see myself allowing someone get that close to me again. Maybe I’m scared or I’m genuinely just okay with being alone. Or am i saying that because I’m comfortable? Or maybe that’s an excuse and use that as a safety blanket. So many questions. but to answer your question yes I’d think it would be absolute bullshit if someone expressed their profound love for me. unless it was someone from my past who still felt some connection to me but even then I’d be like “ok” and keep it pushing because right now I’m on defense mode. I’m safe right now. What if going forward I decide to be vulnerable again. Idk how i would even go about that. i get uncomfortable when men try to flirt with me or tell me how beautiful i am. When people try to spit their corny ass game. I cringe like nah I’m sorry but I’m not buying it. I’m good luv, enjoy. Thank you, next. My thoughts are scattered right now. I was just thinking about why I felt okay taking this mans money. It’s because although he finds me attractive i don’t care to entertain him so I’m going to use my “beauty” to benefit me. I’ve been objectified by men my whole life might as well make money. And then I think about sex or just intimacy as a whole. Connecting with someone mentally emotionally and physically. I don’t want to have sex and haven’t had sex since September. I don’t even think about sex until I go to bed because my dreams haunt me and clearly my subconscious is horny. Celibacy is my thing right now... even though again my subconscious tells me otherwise. I had a sex dream with fka twigs and i woke up heated that it wasn’t real. I’m so backwards which then had me thinking about my sexuality, how I’ve finally come to terms with it and how i wanna feel liberated. so then i start thinking about becoming a sex worker (dancer) and not even for the money but more so of having control of my body, to feel liberated and accepting me my beauty etc. IM ALL OVER THE PLACE.”

My best friend, “Sounds like you’re just trying to be open minded to help you figure some things out.”

Me: “dawg or maybe I’m just so lonely I’m trying to occupy myself by trying to experiment and then i start to think I’m being impulsive or ill hate myself for going down that whole i feel like i wanna spiral.”

my best friend: “do you feel lonely?”

Me: “Yeah, I mean, I miss Mal and it’s not even about the relationship. I think about this person a lot and I don’t talk about it because I wanna convince myself I’m over it. I’m over the relationship, but I miss him. I miss having the genuine connection where we actually had a shit ton of things in common. Music in particular. I miss being able to connect with someone on a level I did with him but not romantically. but i don’t have the energy to connect with anyone because i don’t want to. I’ve been lying to myself and or trying to convince myself I’m okay. Not to say that I’m not but I think about my previous relationship a lot. I think about my worth and who I was to that person. I feel as though we went through xyz and then he quickly started a new relationship with someone. I’m happy for him, but he moved fast as if we weren’t going through something. As if i was scum. So then I start questioning myself? like why am I still on that? Why can’t i move forward so quickly? What am i doing wrong? I’m not holding on to him per say, so why do I feel this way? I deserve happiness. Again, not to say I’m not over that relationship. I just don’t understand how he’s so happy with someone so fast. Ya know?”

My best friend: “Your friendship with Mal seemed like a friendship that comes once in a life time. Like separating him the person from the connection, and intimacy it’s like difficult to believe it can happen again. And it will, but maybe not the same way. If that makes any sense.”

Me: “so then Katy tried to tell me well you don’t know what he’s thinking. he could be missing you. he could be unhappy in his relationship. she’s like think about what happened when you rekindled? he admitted he missed you and couldn’t stop thinking about you. So i challenged her. I’m like well I don’t want to think that way because I don’t want to get my hopes up. And i don’t mean it in way of him coming back to me. I just know that that’s not it. I don’t even remember what sex with him feels like.”

Best friend: “Dawg, you went through a ton. And you’re the type of person to tackle your issues head on. While he’s the type of person to run from the issue to move on. It’s honestly not surprising you still about it because you still have questions you know?”

THIS IS WHERE I START CRYING BECAUSE IM ANGRY/HURT.

Me: “I just want to know how he’s so happy and moved on as if nothing happened. That’s what I’m thinking about. I don’t have any other questions for him. did he ever tell me he loved me? No, but he didn’t have to. I know he loved me. I just don’t understand why things went down the way they did when I came back around. I don’t understand why he chose to see the traumatic version of me when I was working day and night in therapy to be a better version of myself. I was in therapy for myself. To prove myself that I could be a better version of myself. I don’t understand why he wasn’t open to going to therapy to overcome the Trumatic shit we went through. If he needed more time because he was still holding on I would’ve accepted that. I never rushed him or pressed him after having a serious conversation with him about it. What doesn’t make sense to me is that he didn’t trust me but was capable of fucking the shit out of me. What doesn’t makes sense to me is that he admitted that I was Day ‘n’ Nite and how he’s always wanted me to be that person that he saw when we rekindled but couldn’t get over it because he didn’t want to try. So he leaves. I was finally the person that I always wanted to be because I was able to overcome my traumas. I showed him and to myself that I did it, but that wasn’t enough because he was still holding on to bullshit but was still able to fuck me. that doesn’t make sense to me. So he’s in a relationship and I’m glad he’s happy because I want people to be happy, but I don’t understand how that happened literally one week after him cutting me off.”

Best friend: “Mal runs from his issues Ana. Literally it seems like he has a built in “abort mission” button. And men think with their dick. They suck (most not all)”

Sobbing.

Me: “Which goes back to what I was originally saying. I wish I was able to connect with someone right now, but I can’t. So I feel lonely and occupy myself with bullshit and even then I still feel lonely. This whole quarantine is not good for my mental health. It’s so easy for me to isolate and spiral and we can’t even leave our house. I will sit outside in the sun and will feel better for like 10 minutes, and I can work out in my basement, but I’m going crazy.... Going back to the sex thing though. I just realized one of the reasons why I am practicing celibacy is because my body is sacred. my body has gone through some trauma and I’d feel triggered to have sex. I feel like having sex would cause a lot of PTSD and that scares me. Saying that out loud makes me sad because it’s like I can’t even enjoy sex. Sometimes I think about how I wish I was able to have sex with people without forming an emotional connection. Which then goes back to me wanting to feel liberated and experiment but I can’t even do that because PTSD. My body and spirit is too sacred to just be sharing it with anyone. Yes, I’m reserved but I’m not fucking boring.”

There’s so much more to say about this topic.

I don’t hate you. I’m just upset with you.

I don’t reach out to you because I can’t and if I was able to, I wouldn’t. Its always me reaching out. I’m good.

0 notes