#i just started doodling some lil guys and then it spiraled into this

[whatthefuckisasweep]

if you or a loved one share a blorbo with me, you may be entitled to financial, emotional, spiritual, and physical compensation

[tumblunni]

Umm im sorry i worried everyone!

Long story shory i managed to get past the suicidal moment and managed to talk to a staff member about it, albiet through the indirect awkwardness of sticky notes on the front of my door. Well, it worked! Even if it was quite a while of frantically scribbling and trying to go downstairs and hand it to someone and then giving up and ripping it upnand then trying again. Im almost out of notebook paper now!

So umm i talked to a nice lady who's YET ANOTHER new rotating staff member i never met before. But she said that maybe she can be assigned to me as my main nurse so at least im always talking to the same person each time when we're talking about the whole ptsd and anxiety thats the whole reason im here. And OH GOD THANK YOU she gave me validation that the Constantly Looking Through Your Door Every Hour So You Never Get Any Privacy was a REAL BAD IDEA in a goddamn psych ward! Apparantky its a stupid rule forced upom them by changing NHS standards since stupid brexit and our revolving door of new politicians cutting corners everywhere. It makes sense cos really its a very bigoted/stereotypical view of mental health people faaaaar away from a distance with no consideration to what they actually need to get better. "Oh check on the crazies to make sure they aint dangerous or killed themself when you arent looking", conpletely ignoring how such 24/7 surveillance could cause more suicides than it catches! And seriously let me reiterate how it did NOTHING to catch me when i wanted to kill myself the two times its happened already, its not like there's big visual signs, sometimes its just me sitting in the corner staring straight ahead and thinking things i feel unable to tell the staff members cos i cabt trust them cos of this bullshit. And if i really wanted to do it it would be so easy to just wait in between the checks! Its so dumb! And its so easy to just turn to face the door and say 'yes i'm here' every time they check and they just leave cos thats literally all they do?? Im able to do that in the middle of a damn breakdown! They dont even know if im okay or not, just that i didnt leave the room. And nobody noticed i had a big ol cut on my arm for three days!

So uhh yeah anyway the lady was mega nice and said they actually did anticipate that this rule would start off my paranoia and make me worse as soon as they first read my symptom list. And they said they were able to give me a guarantee of two hours unsupervised to just finally sit down alone and think and cry and get this combined weight of 8 days stress all out. And im allowed to go sit in the corner of the room where they cant see me and put the wardrobe in the way just in case i dont believe them.

So ive been sitting here in my little fort for a while and finally being able to hug my plush toys and just close my eyes and think through all of this shit. And like just.. Just this lady's kindness and knowing that im not being irrational for worrying and that i might have one person i can indeed talk to. It just helped a lot. I had a big stupid think and i think i'm..well im not okay but im not at risk of hurting myself anymore. I feel more optimistic that i'll be able tp endure all this if i know i can sometimes have a moment to just be allowed to be sad about it. And just not be seen. For the first ten minutes i was just all scrunched up repeating 'nobody can see me, nobody's allowed to see me' until i really believed it. Man im so fragile, just living in A House With Several People has already broken me down to that point! I feel proud i was able to build up a bit of a foundation again just by talking to myself and hugging a giant pokemon tho! And dear god all your messages really helped, thank you everyone! I feel a little bad that i wasnt able to draw anything good and post it for the one drawing request, but then i realized if its just to make me feel better im allowed to draw badly. Like how i was scrawling absolute nonsense on my arm with a pen two days ago, just so i wouldnt cut myself. It worked! It looked expectedly like what rabid depression scribbles look like, but it worked! So i probably wont show anyone my bad doodles but thank you for suggesting i do it! And the idea from someone else of just imagining some story prompts for those ocs i thought up shortly before i moved here. That cheered me up just to know people are still interested in that idea! I hope i can feel better enough soon to actually start drawing proper good stuff again so i can give them fittingly adorable designs! But just thinking up ideas in my head for lil offscreen mini stories helps me develop them even when i dont feel up to actually writing or drawing. And then there's the other people who just sent me hopes and prayers and messages of friendship and nice pictures! Oh god you guys are my actual lifeblood! One of the things i thought about while i was just chilling out was how i met all of my friends throughout my life and how they shaped who i became and how im like.. Just a big person shape made of links of friends, and all the ways i want to make them proud, and all the ways they saw worth in me even when i couldnt see it myself. And even thoigh many of them have left me they all helped lead me through so many spiralling paths to meet the others and to accomplish other things and to get to where i am today!

And just generally.. Uhh.. Love you guys a lot, okay.just wanted to let you know that im doing better, in case my mobile credit runs out. I love you so fucking much.