#i know this aint for nosferatu

[ibuprofenaddic]

the fuck..🧐

ummm? that shit don’t look right to me

[themarginalthinker]

gently holds Methuselah nosferatu Angiwar's face in my hands

I love you. the bitch is back tho, so stop fucking leaving the house

[armorabs]

Spongebob character hate list. Who and why. Let's goooooooooooo

i hate stinky because he was classist and cruel to a child clearly in poverty solely because he was an "undesirable" patron at his shitty restaurant, which is something that hits home and also because that child grew up to be my favorite character. so obviously stinky should die a thousand deaths (half joking)

bubble bass because hes unpleasant and unfunny and is continuously used for fatphobic humor primarily and has been since he was introduced but without any of the redeeming qualities of a character like patrick (who is also often used for fatphobic jokes, but like... exists as a character outside of the fatphobic jokes, and has a capacity for love and kindness that he demonstrates often and bubble bass never has) when there are so many other characters that are far more interesting and funny to utilize as recurring characters - and certainly no shortage of such characters who are more on the antagonistic side

every single stereotypical hillbilly character except for clem for just about the same reason: existing solely for fatphobic humor with no redeeming qualities to make up for the fact and like half of them are exactly the same in a way that suggests theyre meant to be parodies of something i dont recognize but isn't funny anyways

bunny and cecil just because i think they're annoying and not as cute as margie and herb, while also using bunny for fatphobic jokes periodically. this is the thing i hate most about spongebob as a franchise despite it being one of my special interests

nurse daisy bazooka for like the same thing but with transmisogyny added in like yeah in theory its awesome fred was madly in love with a woman who is buff and masculine but the way they designed and portrayed that woman is... tremendously awful and insulting. and she doesn't even really exist as a character outside of being a humorous love interest for fred or get to be humanized to any degree its just like look how funny it is that freds in love with someone so FAT AND UGLY AND MASCULINE. there were a lot of perfectly fine concept designs for her that were buff and/or fat without being such an insultingly transmisogynistic caricature so they really actively went out of their way for this. kinda hope everyone involved stepped on a lego for this one.

seriously what do the people working on this show have against fat people i just want to talk

slappy laszlo because i think hes unfunny and annoying and has nothing going on for him except, like, being another fish caricature of peter lorre but not really doing anything with that? i guess he's a servant of nosferatu now but thats kinda nothing to me. youd think itd appeal to me because i love nosferatu (both the spongebob character and the german silent film) but like... bleh

that bitch from atlantis and the weirdly human surfer bitch because theyre not interesting to me, i hate their designs, and i hate their voice actors

chum because i hate what they turned it into and it counts as a character now because theyve turned it sapient like twice apparently

lily plankton because the way she sexually harasses squidward just aint cute especially when you know that shes old enough to be his great grandma specifically the only way to come back from that and redeem her character is if you completely rewrite her as a wlw in a committed relationship with ella who exists separately and theyre both planktons paternal grandmothers cuz otherwise idk that was just too gross and weird for me to forgive

[clown-bait]

Monster Sneak Peek! (Monster Roommate AU)

To prove that this fic isn't dead heres a sneak peek at the next chapter for the monster roommate au! This chapter is proving to be LONG but this first half was a blast to write. To recap Leech had gone missing and Penny had to ask for some help. He wasnt happy about it.

---------------------------------

A screech echoed though the old barn of the former Hanlon sheep farm. Leech glanced furiously around the stall she was in. A moment ago she was full and happy then suddenly a cloth was pressed to her mouth and a bag over her head.

“WHO THE FUCK IS THE IDIOT THAT CHLOROFORMED ME!!” The vampire roared “CAUSE I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHO’S HEAD I’M RIPPING OFF FIRST!”

Her head snapped in the direction of footsteps and she tried to charge with supernatural speed but felt a chain attached to her neck snap tight. The nosferatu snapped her jaws in frustration.

“Ok guys get everything ready make sure the cameras are rolling and somebody wake up Chris” Zander shouted as he approached the struggling vampire.

“Don't worry we’re going to help you.”

“BITCH THE ONLY HELP I NEED IS FINDING SPACE TO STORE YOUR LEFTOVERS!!” She snapped.

The ghost hunter pulled a cross from his coat and held it out at the nosferatu who began to hiss loud and sweat. He quickly put it away at her reaction.

“She's possessed all right, did you see how much she recoiled in terror? this is definitely a powerful demon were dealing with here”

“Demon?! Motherfucker I'm friends with demons, you wouldn't know a demon if it came up and bit you in the ass.” Leech spat and pulled on her chain.

“Note the foul language and denial. The creature that has ahold of her is definitely scared and trying to protect its self.”

“Protect myself from what? This shit show excuse of a reality tv exorcism? Tell ya what, if you free my hands i’ll spew pea soup at big boy over there and speak latin backwards. These shackles are tight as fuck can’t a girl get a little comfort?”

“Gosh its foul mouthed.” the bigger ghost hunter said to the team.

“Yeah thats how they are bro it's definitely going to try to provoke us. Whatever you do don't engage.” Zander said to his team mate while placing different items on a table

“You started it.” Leech mumbled. “What are those?”

“We're going to force you out of this poor girl.”

“AH! So its to be torture! I can cope with torture.” Leech flashed a cocky grin and wiggled her eyebrows expectantly.

“Did you…. steal that line from Princess Bride?” the bigger ghost hunter Rick asked her.

“Eeeyyy! Someone finally gets my references! And to think I was gonna eat this guy first!”

“RICK don't engage it!” Zander hissed

“Found our villain! Now tell me do you have six fingers on your left hand or am I gonna be calling you Humperdink”

“I think it was the right hand” Rick interjected

“Huh no shi-OW FUCK JESUS CHRIST!!!” Leech screamed as holy water was flung at her face by the lead ghost hunter. A cluster of painful burns began to bubble on her skin where the water had landed. “RUDE!”

“Silence demon!”

“I’M NOT A DEMON! GOD you are like the biggest edge lord! What’s next? You gonna start shouting bible verses too like they do in the movies?” she snarled as Chris walked in the room.

“Z I had the weirdest fucking dream.”

“Not now bro we’re doing the exorcism.”

“Yeah poorly. Bet you dickbags got all your training from bad horror movies and porn parodies.”

“Sheesh that thing is nasty” Chris winced

“Demon Dick 5?” the Rick asked as his companions glared at him in shock and annoyance.

“One of my favorites Rick. I like this guy have him do the exorcism!”

“We've already wasted enough time!” Zander shouted and picked up a book from the table he began to read a passage and Leech dramatically pretended to hiss and writhe her tongue lolling out of her mouth. “Hahaha Man oh man if Phil could hear you guys talking about him like this he'd be laughing with me just as hard! Shit wait somebody text him for me!”

“Why would we do that? Also who's phil?”

“Oh right, Phil is Satan we used to play poker together before my boyfriend banned it from the house. Not my doing for once lets get that clear.”

“Don't listen to a word its saying guys”

“Aw come on Humperdink let me just text my buddy once” her eyes flashed white over in Rick’s direction before being splashed with holy water once again. The nosferatu’s skin sizzled and steam rose from her burns. “J-just….text…LOL getting… a half assed….exorcism…hit send…. mph there.”

Chris glanced over to Rick who’s eyes had rolled up into his head he was holding her cellphone which just buzzed with a notification. “RICK SNAP OUT OF IT!” he shouted and turned to the grinning vampire pelting a rock at her face. “LET HIM GO”

Leech spat as the stone broke her nose and looked back up sticking her tongue out through the black ichor dripping down her face.

“CHRIS! Control yourself!” Zander shouted and Leech winked back at the two.

“Read it Ricky!” she smirked.

“I-it says R-O-F-L cant be there, at yoga getting this ass….its a picture of a goat and a woman’s back side” Rick’s eyes rolled back down and Leech vomited a small amount of black goo onto the barn floor. “Phew that took more out of me than I thought” she muttered and panted.

“RICK!”

“I'm sorry she did something to my head!”

“Ok but can you at least show the picture though?” the vampire asked looking up from her now bruising eye and nose.

“NO!” the other two ghost hunters turned and shouted.

“OH COME ON! I wanna see that booty”

“WOW this thing is terrible!” Chris glanced over at Zander who was prepping to try another round of bible verses.

“I know bro this is one of the nastiest ones we've dealt with! This is pure evil we’re dealing with here.” The lead ghost hunter clapped his friend on the shoulder reassuringly.

“Aww I'm blushing! you really mean it?!” the vampire shouted to them

“Bro hand me my rosary.”

“What are those? Anal beads? So you HAVE seen Demon Dick 5!”

Zander got close and began to shout “IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST I COMMAND YOU TO GET OUT OF THIS WOMANS BODY”

“Hahaha that was totally a direct quote.” Leech laughed again but was cut short when the silver cross dangled in front of her face “FUCK GET IT AWAY!” She hissed and the ghost hunter dangled it closer to her. Leech could feel her skin burn with heat where it drew close. The ghost hunter threw another wave of holy water at her and she hissed in pain face turning skeletal for a second as her skin sizzled. “A-all right if were gonna get straight into the kinky stuff we should at least have a safe word. Mine’s usually Float.” she tried to joke through the pain. Her skin was on fire with the crucifix being so close.

“Z I don't think she's a demon” Rick said tugging on his leaders arm

“Rick I’ve been at this way longer than you I know a demon when I see one”

“Bullshit you're doing this all wrong. Plus Im not a demon I can prove it too if you hand me that orange.” Leech panted.

“I don't know Z this could be a trick” Chris said with worry.

“Look have you ever seen one do some of the shit she just did? Just hand her the orange”

“Fine Rick. Fine. We’ll humor you but if nothing happens we’re getting right back to the exorcism.”

Zander rolled the fruit over to the vampire who glared up at him from her knees “You gonna undo my hands so I can eat this?”

“No.”

“Weeeelllll fuck you then! So much for what’s left of my dignity.” she grumbled and bent down to the floor biting into the fruit as best she could to suck out the juice. “Ahm hoing to rerhet hiss ho huch…” she said while her fangs sunk in. Leech came up with a weak expression on her battered and burnt face looking nauseous and dizzy. “You're all gonna wanna stand back when I- HURK!” the vampire suddenly lurched forward and spewed out blood and guts onto the barn floor in an inhuman amount. She kept going for a solid five minutes until Leech was slumped over supported by the chain around her neck. “Huh, is that an engagement ring? Shit I need to chew my food.” she wheezed before emptying the rest of her stomach contents.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” all three ghost hunters screamed in unison.

“Yeah lets see Pazuzu pull that shit!” Leech grinned declaring victory before shouting at some unknown force in the ground “YOU HEAR THAT ZUZU? I JUST OUT WEIRDED YOU! WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW BITCH!? PEA SOUP GOT NOTHING ON ME!”

“Zander! If this is not a demon then what the hell is she bro?” Chris turned to his leader in a panic

“Nosferatu.” a vaguely familiar female voice said walking into the barn “What you're dealing with is a nosferatu.”

Leech sniffed the air and snarled in disgust.

“Fuck.”

------------------------

So thats what I got right now second half will be Pennywise’s embarrassing freakout. Lol Leech would be the type to get kidnapped and text her friend something stupid instead of calling for help. Hopefully Penny can get his idiot out of this cause she aint doing much for herself. 

[clown-bait]

Paranormal Journeys Part 6 (Monster Roommate AU)

So it took me a month to get this done because I have had one hell of a busy time these past few weeks. Also the massive writers block that didn't help. But anyway last time Leech did some snooping in the library under the clowns big red nose. Penny had to come save his trashpire from being discovered by Mike Hanlon who had already learned quite a bit already about what the clown has been up to. Leech flipped out and attacked everyone after waking up sick and hangry turns out theres some weird deadlight shit going on with her and surprise surprise no one is being helpful. Ok I think everyone is caught up now sorry for you new people if this is confusing as fuck. I’ll try not to go so long in between chapters again!

Part 6 Freddy Gets Laid

Pennywise returned to the main room in an eerily good mood despite what had just happened. Granted any good mood of his came off as eerie but this was especially cheerful for him. In fact he was practically glowing. “Where’s my Peachy?” he purred in a dream like state.

“You just missed her said somethin’ about getting someone to eat.” Chucky said stabbing Freddy for the 10th time as his wife filmed him.

The clown’s good mood came to a screeching halt. “SHE WHAT?”

“What she's a big girl Jingles she can handle herself. Look what she did to all of us!” Tiff blew a puff of smoke

“YOU PEOPLE JUST LET HER LEAVE? IN HER CONDITION? AND NO ONE SAID ANYTHING OR TRIED TO STOP HER?”

“Eh we kinda did? I don't know we were talking about Fangs PMSing, Freddy called my wife a bitch and she just sorta left.”

“You are all dead when I return from fetching her.” the clown growled and vanished.

“How many times has he threatened our lives this week?”Chucky asked the group

“I think this is number eleven” Tiff answered him. Leatherface shook his head and held up one and two fingers. “Oh shit is it really up to twelve?! Hey I might win the pool!” Freddy shouted happily

“Ah ah! I had thirteen! I'm in the lead!”

“Drac, I guarantee you he will threaten all of us again at least four more times by Sunday this is Jingles were talking about.”

“Not if he's in a good mood, and trust me he will be in a great mood”

“What is the circus in town or something?”

Dracula gave his roommate a catlike smile “I will let you all figure it out.” he said drifting out of the room leaving his friends to put the pieces of the puzzle together for themselves.

—————————

Leech shivered to herself as she walked along the snowy path through the woods near Neibolt street. She decided to cut through the gravel pit by the town dump maybe find an unfortunate dumpster diver no one would miss. Anything to silence this damn hunger. If leftovers couldn't stop the gnawing pain then fresh meat would, it always does.

Sure enough she came across a few homeless. Oddly she could tell their mood before even looking at their faces. This one was bored, another tired, one was extremely high and euphoric all smelled horribly unappetizing. Leech pulled on her beanie a bit tighter as a chill filled the air she had forgot to put on warmer clothes that weren't just sweats and a jacket not really suitable for winter in Maine. Hopping in the sewer wouldn't make things better its colder down there than it is up top and no doubt shed run into Penny who would most likely insist she return home after what just happened at the house. She didn't want to deal with him right now she just wanted to let predatory instinct guide her thoughts. Maybe she just needed to chase down and sink her teeth in someone. That had to be the reason for her weird behavior she's kept the beast cooped up for too long time to let it out.

Leech walked along the tree line staying just out of sight of the road till she came across a runner in the distance in a rush to get home. She's afraid of the dark. The vampire said to herself. “Wait how did I know that?” she said aloud. Leech brought her good hand to rub her head. The things that were happening to her…they were very…Penny. Was he somehow doing something to her? She did apparently get exposed to his deadlights just now but she technically wasn't conscious for it. Whatever he was doing one monstrous transition was enough in her life and this needed to come to a stop.

A warm scent brought her out of her thoughts as fast footsteps drew her focus back to reality. Savory flavor filled the air and a warmth creeped through her from the back of her skull to her face lighting her eyes up gold. She began to salivate as the runner came closer and the vampire stood still against the trees. She almost didn't recognize her own words leaving her mouth as the runner crossed her path.

“Better run faster!” she said in a hiss her prey slowed her pace.

“Pardon me?”

“It'll be night soon. Don't slow down” the vampire whispered “Don't slow down or the things in the dark will catch up!” Leech giggled to herself, Pennywise eat your heart out.

“WHOS THERE!?” the woman called out.

“No one else but the night and me” came a sweet whisper. “Won’t you join me for a moon lit walk? I’ll keep the other monsters away!” the words were like honey flowing through the humans brain she wandered into the woods in a trance like state till she suddenly came to, not knowing how far in she had gone or why.

The woman swore she caught a glimpse of something standing behind the trees grinning at her but when she looked again it was gone. She tried to leave when she heard a snap like a large branch breaking. Then she heard a pop and something like the sound of meat being stretched. That’s when she saw the tall thing standing in the now shadowy woods with glowing eyes. Someone or something was stalking her and it had tricked her deep into the darkened forest away from safe things like cars or street lights. She was all alone in the dark.

As the woman turned a face popped out of the bush. It resembled a human but it was skeletal and bat-like, the mouth way too big for the face and long needle like teeth accompanied two large dagger like fangs in the front. “NiCe nIGhT FoR a jOG AiNT iT?!!” the thing said in a distorted voice as the woman shrieked. A claw grabbed her face and yanked her into the bush the runner fell on her stomach and tried to crawl away but Leech pinned her down with a long clawed foot. The vampire smiled wide and slowly dug her taloned toes into the woman’s back. Delicious red bubbled to the surface and the monster’s prey began to scream.

————————————

Pennywise tore through the sewer in a raging storm the likes of which the town of Derry had never seen. He was enraged, confused and worst of all he was afraid. He couldn't sense his mate despite knowing all that was going on in his town he couldn't find her. It could only mean the power she had been gifted with was growing and the clown felt both proud and intimidated by it. This little blessing had come at an inopportune time for this cycle. He was hoping this…development…. would have happened after the seven were long and dead, but beggars cant be choosers and Pennywise could find a way to use this to his advantage somehow. The only issue he would run into was how unpredictable it made his precious mate. She was a liability to herself and the entire monster community when he wasn't near her and now that she was unknowingly hiding her presence, she was even more dangerous.

The clown’s frantic searching was drawn to a halt when a delectable smell kissed the tip of his nose. It was fear no ,not just fear sheer panic and terror. Penny began to salivate excessively it smelled delicious! Who was causing so much horror? He had to know! He searched the town but couldn't see. He saw the woman but not her attacker. Then it dawned on him. “Leechie!” he hissed with a grin. Not only had he found her but she had caught him a delicious meal to steal! How thoughtful of her! She might take some convincing of course but she owed him anyway. Besides Pennywise could be very persuasive. The clown chuckled darkly to himself and whisked his form away to appear in the woods. There was a body mangled and shredded, definitely looked like her handiwork but there was no nosferatu.

Pennywise snarled and ripped a piece of flesh from the carcass. It was delicious, the clown grunted and tilted his head back letting the meat slide down his throat the flavor still dancing on his tongue. Since when did she get so good at scaring her food? He finished her abandoned leftovers as quickly as he could not passing up a free meal and continued his search. His town was small she couldn't be that hard to find. Could she?

Hours passed and the clown stumbled into his home alone. He had failed.

“Jingles! Where the hell have you been all night?” Chucky shouted from the couch

“I didn't find her.” Pennywise mumbled ego bruised and officially worried.

“I thought you knew everything clown. Whats the matter losing your touch?” Freddy jabbed a sharp elbow into Penny’s side the clown snarled at him.

“She is…changing its not my fault I cant sense her.”

“What your magic dick juice do something to her?”

The clown opened his mouth to speak then decided to close it. The dream demon wasn't wrong exactly.

“Look we may help you out Jingles but you're going to have to owe us big.” Chucky said sliding in to take advantage of Pennywise’s rare moment of weakness.

“I’m thinkin free months rent he seems desperate enough hon” Tiff grinned as she studied the eldritch’s expression.

“Bubba and I want to put a hot tub in the basement and have poker nights again.” Freddy sneered. (Poker night was banned when Dracula tried to bet his lands and summoned a windstorm in frustration when he was informed that Transylvania is owned by the country of Romania not him.)

“Again with the hot tub? You don't even live here Krueger!” Pennywise snarled he didn't need their help he was the superior being how hard was it to find one small vampire?….ok he needed some assistance.

“Come on clown say it.”

A frustrated growl rumbled in the clown’s throat. “I need….allies….”

“You need what now?” The dream demon grinned wide.

“Allies.”

“Now now Jingles we've been through way too much to be just allies.” Freddy teased and the clown bared his fangs more in rage and defeat.

“Find my mate and I will allow poker night to continue. That’s all you are getting.”

“I was looking for the word friends but I’ll take that deal.” the dream demon winked and faded away to his own realm leaving his “friend” to grimace in disgust.

——————————-

Chris the ghost hunter awoke in the chair he had fallen asleep in but not in the same room. He was actually pretty sure this wasn't even the same building. How the hell did he end up in a boiler room? The human got out of the old chair and began to look for an exit or a phone. He could at least try to call Z to come pick him up. He must have been sleep walking again…. but that still doesn't explain the chair. He glanced over to the side and saw the words poorly written on the wall in children’s multi colored chalk:

One, Two Freddy’s coming for you

The ghost hunter stepped back “Who the fuck is Freddy?” he said aloud. He heard twisting metal behind him and then saw a set of pipes reading:

Three Four better lock your door

“What the hell is this?” Chris yelled out but getting no response other than metal and steam.

“Five six grab your crucifix.” a familiar voice called to him from above.

“Z-ZANDER? IS THAT YOU?!” the ghost hunter shouted said figure appeared in the window like an angel coming to the rescue.

“Seven eight better stay up late.” Zander said in a calm dream like voice. The panicked ghost hunter rushed into his leaders arms hugging him tightly “Bro I thought I was a goner this place has got some serious bad vibes” Chris mumbled as a strong arm wrapped around his back. a hand brushed his cheek and Zander tilted his chin up to his own. “I'm here now you need to tell me where we were before all this” he said leaning closer

“Eh-Z what are you-”

“Chris how long have we been friends? Don't think I don't know. I’ve always known.”

“Z-Zee”

“Now tell me where we were so I can take us away from this place.”

“Ah-a farm…. you brought us all to a farm we were going to get the demon out of the girl”

“Such a good boy for daddy.” Zander cooed and pushed Chris’ hair back and leaned in so close the ghost hunter could feel the stubble from his friend’s face prick his lips. As Chris closed his eyes Zander’s voice changed and he could feel multiple sharp things caressing his backside “Nine ten never sleep again lover boy” a deep voice growled and suddenly burnt lips pressed against his. Chris began to scream.

——————————-

Freddy reappeared on the couch about 30 minutes later half out of breath. The dream demon removed his hat and pulled out his vape and taking a long drag. The room stared at him expectantly as he seemed to take his dear sweet time and relax.

“Well?” Pennywise impatiently growled.

“Well what?”

“The location Krueger where is she?”

“Jingles give me like 5 minutes to collect myself jesus! Its been awhile.”

“Been awhile since what?” Chucky asked

The dream demon didn't answer and took another long drag of vapor.

“Did….did you?” Tiffany made a face that looked both shocked and disgusted

“Relax it was just head.”

“You went and got laid instead of finding my Peachy?!?!?” The clown roared.

“Jingles I told you to fuckin relax!”

“Relax? RELAX HE SAYS HAHAHAHAHAH OH ILL RELAX YES YOU WANT THE CLOWN TO RELAAAXXX” Pennywise’s form began to fall apart teeth appearing in places teeth should not be on a face, multiple eyes grew on his large forehead.

“iS ThIS rELaXEd EnOUgH?”

“Jesus christ Jingles let me get some action for once. Your chick’s been snatched up and is at some farm. Something about getting the demons out or whatever. Put yourself back together drama queen this is embarrassing.”

The clowns eyes went completely blood red at the word farm and he began to twitch.

“A  W H A T?!”

---------------------------

HE MAD. Im pretty sure everyone has figured it out by now whats going on with Leech. And Freddy’s Pan AF in my HC (don’t worry it was consensual you'll see.) Next chapter I’ve been really excited about getting to because its gonna be a bit of a comedic torture scene! So get ready for that. Also Mikes gonna come back!

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt st (Monster Roommate AU) CH24

OK IVE BEEN SO EXCITED TO DROP THIS CHAPTER!! Some wild ass shennanigans are about to happen guys!! Theres going to be a lot of Robert Gray in these next few chapters so get hype for that! maybe ill do some smut with him who knows.

CH24

Humans?

The clown looked in the mirror he kept in his lair for probably the 20th time that night and ran through several terrifying face transformations as if he was rehearsing. In fact that was probably the best way to describe it. The dawn was swiftly approaching to begin the day of Halloween, his favorite human holiday. It was the day the hunt was always the best for him, he could make 5 good kills if he really put in the effort making his stock for winter nice and full. Hunting in the cold wouldn't even be necessary if he did well.

Speaking of cold Penny felt a chill rush through the sewer, a reminder that leaner times were coming. Usually he would barricade himself off in the cart in between hunts to wait out the winter but this time around he had endless entertainment. Her flesh may no longer have heat but she would keep him warm in other ways. So many other ways. The clown chuckled darkly at his own dirty thoughts while rubbing a fresh hickey under his jaw only a few hours old.

Penny stretched and yawned feeling a sudden wave of drowsiness….strange….. he marked it off as the cold October air making him sleepy. Maybe a cat nap would help him be more alert for his hunt. It couldn't hurt to feel fresh on his biggest day of the year…. yes he thought a small nap would do. He laid on his pillow pile and attempted to shut his eyes and release his form. This wasn't comfortable he was too cold. Why was he suddenly so uncomfortable and tired? After tossing and turning a few more times he decided to find a different place to nap. His mate’s nest would be perfect, the mattress was a bit small but he'd be extra warm with her under the large blankets. Pennywise whisked himself away reappearing in her room where the vampire was sprawled out sleeping just as he had left her, spent and exhausted. He loved seeing her like this, covered in his marks and completely bare. He was half tempted to wake her up just so he could add some more fresh love bites. She’d probably kill him… not probably definitely. Penny instead stealthily crawled into her bed and fitted himself against her under her thick comforter. He slipped his long limbs over her body caging her into him, the nosferatu only stirred a little letting him hold her and welcoming his warmth. Penny buried his nose into her skin and let the sweet love pheromones she emitted send him into a state of pure relaxation. He was finally comfortable, finally warm and finally able to sleep.

Leech woke up that morning feeling weirdly hot. The first thing she noticed was the arm draped around her gripping her hand. It wasn't Penny’s arm this was human, and so was whoever was snuggled up to her. Leech attempted to squirm out of the strangers grip but was pulled back into him and held tight. She could feel whoever had her was lean and tall, his bare skin pressed into hers and his long limbs entombed her entire body. His hands were huge, the one wrapped around her pawed at her bosom causing Leech’s breath to hitch and jolt up out of his grasp. She finally was able to see who the hell was groping her and to her relief she was met with the sleeping form of a very human, very naked Robert Gray. Why the hell was he a naked human right now? She thought to herself sitting up and running a hand through her hair. Wait…. HAIR?

Leech tugged at the platinum locks attached to her head. It was fucking hair! Real hair! Her real hair was back! She also had normal ears, teeth and suddenly she was very aware of the beating thing hammering away in her chest. She was alive and human.

“Pen-er uh Robert! Wake up!” she shook her mate who grumbled and flipped over. “Wake up asshole its urgent”

“5 more years” he mumbled.

“You're a fucking human… I'm a fucking human!”

The man grumbled more and pulled the blanket up to his face. “Did you not hear me? Get up lazy ass” she smacked him with her pillow.

“Ngh what decade is it?”

“Same as it was yesterday moron.”

He flopped over onto his back and opened one beautiful green blue eye. “Why are you wearing your wig?”

“Its not a wig Pen look at your damn arm”

Robert scrunched his face and held out his hand suddenly he felt a rush of a million different emotions at once, some he didn't even know he could feel.

“WHAT?!!”

——————————

“WHY CANT I TURN BACK WHY AM I FEELING THINGS WHY DO YOU HAVE HAIR??”

“Pen calm down.”

“CALM I CANT BE CALM HOW CAN I BE CALM AT A TIME LIKE THIS IS THIS WHAT HUMANS FEEL ALL THE TIME?”

“You're panicking.”

“PANIC NO NO NO I CAUSE PANIC I CANT PANIC- WAIT I AM PANICKING- THIS IS PANICKING? WHY AM I PANICKING LEECH??? WHY CANT I CHANGE?”

“Pen control your emotions and breathe”

“CONTROL SHE SAYS IM FEELING EVERYTHING AT ONCE ALL THE TIME LEECH! EVERYTHING! HOW DO HUMANS GET ANYTHING DONE… BY THE WAY YOURE VERY PRETTY AND I FEEL THE SUDDEN URGE TO TELL YOU THAT WHEN I LOOK AT YOU!! LEECHIE HELP! HELP IM FEELING TOO MUCH!”

The former vampire sighed and pulled his face forward to kiss him forcing him to stop his shrieking. Robert immediately stopped and rolled his baggy eyes back as he closed them.

“Inside voice, deep breaths, count to 10. Try it.” she said pulling away and tapping his cheek.

Robert attempted to follow her instructions when he was startled by a loud shout of joy from down the hall

————

Meanwhile

Chucky was woken up by a horrible shriek. Fucking clown its too damn early for his shit. Charles pulled his hands down his face and was fully prepared to march down there and yell at Pennywise for hunting so damn early in the morning. He rolled his head over on his pillow only to be greeted with a sight he had been waiting to see for years. His wife’s perfect large human boobs.

——-

“FUUUUCCCKKK YESSSSSSSS!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Leech turned her head towards the shout recognizing the New Jersey accent as Chucky’s. She slipped on some clothes and left the room (and a very distressed Robert) to see if the dolls were also affected by this curse.

“Hey you guys got it too?” she shouted

“FINALLY FUCKIN FINALLY!”

“I’m going to assume that is a yes?” the vampire said as Tiffany opened the door wearing a nightgown and a huge grin on her face. Leech’s eyes went wide from the sight.

“Uh oh um heeyy Tiff?”

“Hey fangs stop oogling my wife!” came a very familiar voice from a very unfamiliar man.

“Holy shit Chucky? IS THAT YOU?”

“Yeah its fuckin’ me!”

“Fuck you look different!”

Leech felt a presence at her back and a very panicked very confused Robert stood behind her attempting to cover his front with a pillow. “Leechie, I drank some of your blood stash and I threw up in your trash can.”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT! JINGLES?” Chucky shouted looking at the naked extremely attractive man behind his roommate.

“DOLL?”

“YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN UNDERWEAR MODEL! HOW COME I GOT PUT BACK IN MY OLD BODY AND YOU GET TO BE A LIVING CALVIN KLIEN ADD”

Tiffany turned to Leech with a look of wonder and pointed at Robert with her thumb mouth open.

“OH GOD Sorry about him I think I need to find him some clothes…” Leech apologized to her.

“Does he really need them though?”

“No but its going to get distracting around here real fast with that bubble butt hanging out all the time”

“I’ll say holy shit” both girls giggled at Tiff’s comment

Robert turned around and glared at them. “Why are you giggling? THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GIGGLE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY AND YOURE GIGGLING?? HOW AM I GOING TO GET BACK LEECHIE HOW CAN I BE THE ALPHA PREDATOR LIKE THIS?”

Robert twitched and ran his hand through his hair going into yet another panic attack when he realized that he was no longer top of the food chain. His stomach suddenly lurched and he felt extremely dizzy.

“I’m going to vomit again.” he held his mouth and sprinted for the bathroom smacking into a very distressed very confused Bubba Sawyer.

The giant did not recognize this tall screaming man. He didn't recognize the humans in the doll’s room. What he did see was his bestest vampire friend surrounded by strangers who were all shouting. He would save friend yes! He would grab this violent tall naked meat sack for her just like he did at work. The giant bellowed and shrieked lunging for the anxiety filled Robert Gray who for the first time in all of existence knew what it was like to be prey. He was caught from behind and before anyone could stop the distressed giant he was hauled down the stairs a mess of flailing limbs being dragged to Leatherface’s red room.

“BUBBA WAIT THATS PENNYWISE” Leech shouted the three former monsters rushing after the giant.

“STOP YA BIG IDIOT ITS US!” Charles waved his hands at the giant from the other side.

The giant saw Tiffany move in from left and he was suddenly cornered by very angry pajama wearing humans. They were all shouting at him and flailing around for him to put the strange thrashing man down. The poor giant began to panic and crush the flailing man tighter to him the air going out of his lungs as he hollered and squirmed. What would Grandpa Sawyer do? ......Hammer! He thought pulling the tool out from his belt. “HAMMUH” the giant shouted.

“NO BUBBA NO HAMMER” Leech screamed trying to pull the giant’s arm back down with no luck.

“HAMMUUUUHH” he placed Robert in a headlock so tight he started to suffocate

“OH FUCK CHUCKY HELP ME STOP HIM”

“HELL NO FANGS I JUST BECAME HUMAN I AINT DYIN FOR JINGLES.”

“HAAAMMMUUUHH!!!”

The giant swung and Robert passed out.

——————

“Oh my god ok. Ok he's awake just deep breaths holy shit.”

“Leechie?” Robert gurgled realizing he was back in his mate’s bed “What-“

“You passed out and then Leatherface almost killed you.”

“Yeah Jingles you’re lucky Tiff stepped in with that floor board.”

“PEN-NEE BUHBUH SORY” Leatherface moped he felt horrible about hurting his friend.

“He’ll forgive you big guy just give him some time-” Leech patted the giant on the arm. “Right Pen???” she gave the dazed former clown a stern look.

“Just because I'm human doesn't mean you get to boss me around.” the clown growled.

“If you want to survive this ordeal I suggest you listen to me dear.”

“I suggest you listen to me bleh bleh bleh”

Leech slapped him on the shoulder and he whined and grumbled.

“Can we at least put some clothes on Jingles now? I’ve seen enough of the clown’s ass to scar me for life.”

“Yeah alright let me grab him something” Leech went to her closet and pulled out a pink silk bath robe “Try this Pen” the clown stood up and walked over to the dressing screen Chucky made a face and glanced to the side. Stupid sexy clown.

“All right it's a bit short but it covers enough, maybe Freddy and Drac have something you can actually wear.”

Tiff let out a small giggle as Robert came out from behind the screen. Chucky looked at the blush on his wife’s cheeks and then saw the former clown.

“COVERS ENOUGH? Fangs! His ass cheeks are hanging out the back jesus!” he shouted.

“Jealous of the goods? Benefits of a high protein diet doll” Robert looked behind him and leered at a blushing mortified Charles.

“I-Im not a doll anymore don't call me that”

“Don't call me Jingles then”

“Well before you two start making out, my stomach feels extremely neglected and because I'm human again I am going to eat some god damn pancakes. Come on Bob get that bubble butt moving.” Leech grabbed Robert and tugged him out of the room.

“Ugh Fangs get your gross boyfriend some fucking pants first!”

“OR DONT!” Tiff called after them.

————

The batter sizzled when she poured it onto the old pan sitting over the ancient stove how the hell Tiffany cooked anything in this old kitchen was a miracle. Robert hovered over Leech’s shoulder watching hungrily the scent of food making his stomach growl. He had never made human food before, knew of it of course, but never did he create it himself. Creation wasn't his thing. His mate had insisted he stay and learn though, they didn't know how long this human thing would last and the sooner he could take care of himself the better.

“Do we add the syrup now?”

“No we need to wait.”

“This preparation feels tedious how did this species not starve to death?” Robert took a swig of the syrup bottle

“Are you…..drinking that straight out of the bottle?”

“I’m thirsty Leechie this is all I’ve been given.”

“Oh my god you're an actual child. Get a cup and fill it with water you moron.”

“EUGH NO! Its tasteless!”

“Take my drink then jeeze!”

Robert grabbed the mimosa and sipped cautiously. He liked this drink it was fizzy like cola but made his head swim and his throat feel warm. He finished her drink and searched for more. She used this green bottle to make it right? Rob took a gulp from the bottle. This he liked very much.

“Ok you want fruit on yours?”

“Bah!” he swatted the air in disgust gulping more from the fizzy green bottle.

“You just drank fruit now Bob, here cut up this banana thats an easy task.”

Robert held the knife in one hand and the yellow food in the other. Ok Wise you can do this you're older than time you can cut a fruit. He suddenly felt that human fear again. What if he couldn’t? He'd never eaten a banana before what if she sees him mess it up….oh god then she’d see him as lesser than other humans! No, no, no, that wont do at all he had to impress his mate she had to see that he was still the superior being. He'd be the most superior of all the humans until he was back to his full glory! Yes he would cut this banana he would do it perfect and she would throw herself at him for being the epitome of human perfection! Robert ran through every memory he had of food preparation he remembered how Leatherface cut up meat by raising the knife high and chopping. Seemed pretty simple, how hard could that be?

Suddenly while deep in his day dreams pain shot up Robert’s hand. His finger was spurting blood and quite a bit shorter. Oh no this wasn't supposed to happen. He began to panic again. He was human he couldn't grow it back what would he do?

“LEECHIE?” he shouted a mix of shock and fear in his voice “What do humans do when they…. lose… things?”

“What are you talking about?”

He held up his blood covered hand to her and the other part of his finger.

“OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“Do I eat it?!”

“No Rob don't fucking eat it!!”

“Ok but it does look appetizing!”

“Don’t fucking eat it you idiot we need to get you to a doctor.”

Robert licked at the blood pouring from his hand and snarled when it didn't taste the same as it used to. Leech shut off the stove and rushed the leaking Pennywise out of the kitchen and onto the couch flying over to the stairs to yell for help.

“CHUCKY? TIFF?”

“I AM ABOUT TO FUCK MY WIFE RIGHT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS! WHAT THE HELL IS SO IMPORTANT?! DID JINGLES REALLY FUCK UP THAT BAD?!” came a very angry response from upstairs.

“He cut off his finger!”

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Charles swore “JUST……. PUT IT ON ICE AND GIVE ME LIKE 30-40 MINUTES!”

Leech let out a long frustrated groan as Leatherface lumbered into the room to see what was wrong this time. She then looked at the disaster that was the kitchen. Robert had smeared his bloody hand all over the place and was now sitting dazed and leaking on the couch. Oh yeah, stop the bleeding right. Leech waved the giant over and told him to get her a towel which she grabbed to put pressure on the wound.

“AHH DONT TOUCH IT!” Robert hissed like a child afraid of a bandaid.

“You’re going pale I need to stop the bleeding or you'll pass out again.”

She grabbed his hand and wrapped up his wound Robert watched intently eyes flicking up to her then back to his hand. He felt warm.

“All right this is gonna get a little jankey but let me get some duct tape to hold the towel on there.” she said and let out an exhausted laugh “Jesus fucking christ what a disaster.”

Bubba stood over Robert and held out his dismembered finger which he had helped place in a bag of ice.

“PEN-NEE FINGUH” he said happily hoping that his kindness would help the former clown forgive him faster for what happened earlier.

“Uh thanks..” Robert awkwardly took the bag and set it on the coffee table staring at his severed appendage.

“Ok hold it out I'm going to wrap it up tight. Thank you for the help Bubba.” Leech smiled at the giant.

“BUHBUH CWEAN PEN-NEE AN WEECH EET” The giant set their neglected pancakes on the coffee table. They weren't hot… more lukewarm really.. but she was starving and she hadn't had human food in months.

Leech finished wrapping Robert’s hand only to notice he was watching her and to her surprise he was actually blushing a bit. The former clown’s face was hot and his chest felt tight, breathing was a bit difficult. He was embarrassed to be this vulnerable, power was so important for him and to be bested by kitchenware especially in front of her… but the way she held onto his hand and the way she teased him about it while laughing….It made him feel tingly but in a good way. He was feeling all these strange emotions at once but the strongest most prominent one he felt now made his human heart thud loudly in his chest. Was this what she felt all the time? For him? He had loved her in his own way before but he never felt it like a human did. Not until now.

“Hey ruffles you're doing your day dreaming thing again.” her voice broke him from his haze she still held onto his hand and Robert closed his free fingers around her’s smiling a bit to himself. He felt the urge to grab onto the former vampire and hold her tight against him. He just wanted to engulf her completely but he sat still in his seat deciding instead to watch her with curiosity. It was all over for him when she kissed the bandage on his hand. That’s it. He had to touch her.

Robert burst from his seated position and grabbed Leech by the face roughly kissing her. He pressed her into the corner of the sofa aggressively moving his mouth against hers. Tongues explored each other and new hair was roughly pulled and tangled in fists. When they finally broke away Robert sat back staring at her panting without saying a word.

“Uh you're welcome?” Leech laughed straightening out her hair and Robert actually chuckled a bit to himself at her joke. She pulled his face back over to look at her’s tracing his cheekbone with her thumb.

“You know what humans call that feeling?”

“The heart racing warm one?”

“That’s love Robert Gray.” she laughed and kissed him again. Looks like they'd be having cold pancakes for breakfast.

---------------------------

BIG BOY HAD A BIG DAY! Not ever a full hour of being human and he already passed out and cut his finger off. What a great start for clownboi. Chucky is so jealous tho poor guy. Robert is basically that stupid sexy Flanders moment from the Simpsons. Or Toki from Metalocalypse when they all stop jerking off. Chucky really wants to voodoo body jack dat ass and he’s super embarrassed about it. Im so stoked for this new mini plot. Then I plan on finishing the christmas adventure with the paranormal investigators. I finally got some stuff for that one too!

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU) CH18

OH WOW LOOK WHOS FINALLY UPDATING! Its been awhile and I need to get the main plot finished before I do anything else with the holiday plot so heres the next chapter. The gang gets take out and bonds a bit over kung pao and entrails. 

CHAPTER 18

Bad cop, Worse cop

“Well while we wait, Leech right? A word please.” the elder clown turned to the vampire. She went to stand and follow him but wobbled on her still busted leg. She would need fresh blood to heal it she had to kill again.

Leatherface helped her to the kitchen and sat her on a chair patting her head with a smile and walking out. Uncle Penny was very quiet it was actually making her quite unnerved. “Alright look this aint easy for me to say-”

“You want me out don't you. What? You worried I'm gonna ruin your little protege or something because he caught a case of the fucking feelings?” she spat claws drawn.

“Will you let me finish? Sheesh you're a little spitfire no wonder the kid likes ya.”

Leech hissed “Fine”

“Junior in there… my nephew…or whatever you want to call it. Look I like that kid a lot alright?” the elder clown began. He seemed to be struggling with this quite a bit “He’s a bit more of a drama queen but he's still a version of me. The kid likes you fangs he likes you a lot. Just be good to him alright?”

“Wait you.. care about him?” Leech instantly dropped her guard.

“Yeah kid, I guess I do.”

“I'm starting to see the relation now, you're both secret softies.” she gave him a devious smirk.

The elder clown grumbled and helped her up. “Don't tell nobody.”

————-

“Chucky does it really matter what we order were just trying to find to information” the female doll reached for her wallet that her husband was going through in search of money to pitch in for their order.

“Look we might as well get some good food outta this Tiff, and I want some of that kung pao.”

“If the doll gets chicken I want noodles” Ash spoke up slamming a $10 on the coffee table

“I'm putting in a request to keep this garlic free.” Leech shouted with a vigorous nod from Dracula.

“C-can I get orange chicken?” Jim poked his head from behind the couch.

“This aint Panda Express Jim they don't got that” Chucky grumbled getting out his own wallet.

“Get the kid sweet and sour pork” Tiff suggested.

“Ask for extra cooOOokiEs!” Penny spoke up jingling his bells as he bounced.

“Ok but do we want rice though?” Freddy called out to the rest of the gang as he repeated their orders

“Don't get it with shrimp I hate their shrimp” Uncle Penny joined in opening his own colorful wallet.

“Leatherface wants egg rolls” the giant excitedly clapped behind Leech and grunted “extra dipping sauce!” she said for him.

“What?! What do you mean you're out of the beef and broccoli what Chinese place runs out of beef and broccoli I'm calling Chin’s at least they have fucking orange chicken!” Freddy hung up the phone and dialed a different number “Hey Ken, its Fred. You got that beef and broccoli yeah?”

“Freddy were supposed to be ordering from the other place so we can find out who has the book.” the gang shouted at him.

“Oh shit. right.”

—————

“Never have I ever…been naked in public.” Chucky stated. The gang were all piled in the kitchen waiting for the unsuspecting delivery person to arrive.

“Oh fuck you.” Leech growled and took a drink along with tiff.

“Wait when did you go naked in public?” Chucky turned to his wife.

“Last girls night got a little uh….it got interesting,,,” Leech trailed off nervously as Penny spit out his drink. (which was just a cup of pure grenadine)

“You did what now?” the younger clown growled.

“Tiff may or may not have killed someone at a spa and then dumped the body at the Quarry” Leech laughed nervously.

“Which led to your brilliant drunk idea to wash the evidence off and hide the body in the lake”

“Look it was nice until that cop showed up! You even said so!”

“Wait you two went on a drunk murder spree and then skinny dipped after?” Chucky looked at both girls in awe.

“Well I had to swim out to the middle to sink the body and there was no way I was going to do that in my nice outfit.” Leech trailed off.

“Shit how come I'm never invited to girls night!?”

“Chucky you're the last person we’d invite to girls night.” Tiff rolled her eyes.

“Am I the first?” Penny turned to Leech excitedly.

“You're the second to last”

“Wait why am I last?”

A knock at the door broke the conversation. The monsters all went eerily silent horrible wicked grins grew on their faces.

“Ash and Jim should go upstairs.” Dracula suggested

“Wait you're not planning what I think you guys are planning are you?” Ash looked at the gang. He was still a good guy despite hanging with villains. Letting them kill some poor delivery kid was a bit over the line for him.

“Go upstairs Ashey” Freddy said clacking his knives on the chair he was in.

“I’m not ok with this”

“Sorry pal, gonna need you to stay out of this one. Bubba help me out here.” Freddy turned to Leatherface who causally walked over to ash and knocked him out cold. Leech snapped her fingers at Jim and pointed at the unconscious man. The poor servant struggled to haul him upstairs. A harder more impatient knock came at the door again. The monsters all vanished out of the room and silence fell upon the old house once more. The delivery girl pushed the door open with an eerie creak. “Um hello? I got a pretty big order here for a mister Kruger?”

The door slammed and locked behind her. She yelped in surprise dropping the bag of food.

“That bitch better not have spilt my chicken” Chucky whispered from the closet.

“Shhh Chucky!” Tiffany hissed.

“Babe I’ve been thinking about that chicken since the phone hung up the craving cant be stopped!”

“I cant remember did you get the white breast meat kind?” Leech whispered from behind them.

“Hell yeah thats the best kind!”

“Nice. I miss Chinese food”

“WILL BOTH OF YOU BE QUIET!” Tiff hissed rather loudly

“Who’s yelling in here? Girl doll, Leech stop chatting!” Penny's head appeared from between the coats

“I wasn't chatting it was Fangs and Chatty Cathy here. Also I have a name clown.” Tiff snarled.

“Yeah don't be mean to my wife Jingles!”

“All of you stop talking! How are you three this incompetent!” the clown hissed

“Hey! I’ve gotten better Pen!” Leech snapped at him, accidentally pulling the coat she was supporting herself with off the hanger and crashing into a broom.

“HELLO?!” the delivery girl called out frantically.

“Leech!”

“I needed something to hold onto! Are you're forgetting that my leg is fucked up!?” Leech hissed at Penny

“Ugh just come here lean on me”

“Aww thanks Pen~”

“Hey love birds shut your traps!”

“Watch your mouth doll!”

The door flung open and the girl shrieked. The monsters seemed slightly caught off guard all looking at one another to make a move.

“Oh hey there…uh you didn't see if the chicken survived did you?’

“You're still on about that?”

“i am craving that kung pao fangs.”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHAT ARE YOU AAAAHHHH” the girl screamed as her head was yanked back and a knife covered finger pressed into her throat.

“Wow you guys suck at this” Freddy laughed as the girl thrashed and shrieked.

“I am injured Freddy, also can you shut her up? I cant hear myself think.” Leech covered her sensitive ears.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll have Bubba tie her up”

“P-PLEASE STOP WHAT ARE YOU-“ the giant grabbed the girl around the waist and carried her away.

The delivery girl was blindfolded and strapped to a chair she couldn't see who was in the room with her but she could hear. Bells jingled around her and something growled.

“Mmmm I must say it is nice to get some take out from time” Pennywise laughed sniffing the girl.

The girl screamed and penny’s claws gripped her shirt sharply yanking her forward. “None of that dear, we just want to ask some questions. Then you can scream all you want hehehe.”

“YEAH LIKE WHY IS THERE SHIRMP IN MY RICE?” a raspy shout came from the living room.

“Alright bad cop my turn” Leech stood up to try to move Penny out of the way but doubled over in pain taking her chair to the floor with her. The clown snarled and released the girl going over to tend to his mate who was raking claw marks into the table.

“You're not going anywhere Leech just sit.”

“Pen I want to help.”

“You’re ruining my table with your helping. Sit.”

“But pen-“

“No buts Leech!”

The two monsters began to bicker and Dracula casually walked over to the poor delivery girl undoing her blindfold and gag. “You will have to excuse my associates my dear, they can be quite barbaric in their ways. Now, we have a few questions for you about your place of employment if you answer well things might turn out for the better for you.”

“W-what do you want to know?”

“YOU BREAK THE TABLE ON A WEEKLY BASIS PEN!”

“YEAH I BREAK THE TABLE! ITS MY TABLE TO BREAK NOT YOURS!”

“Pardon me for a moment dear” the elder vampire turned to the arguing pair. “*AHEM* WILL THE BOTH OF YOU EITHER REMOVE YOURSELVES TO A ROOM OR QUIET YOUR SHOUTING?”

The couple stopped immediately.

“……D-did you just tell us to get a room Drac?”

“Do you not think I am capable of making such remarks? I do live with Fred Kruger.”

“This is taking too long” the clown marched over to the girl grabbing her throat with his claws.

“WHERES THE BOOK?”

“I-I-I-I…”

“TELL ME!”

“Penny she cant speak because you're literally breaking her windpipe”

“Don't tell me how to intimidate my victims Leechie! Stop back seat scaring.”

“Hey I'm just calling it as I see it Pen”

The clown snarled at the nosferatu his claws making small cuts in the girls neck as he glared at his mate. “Your beloved is right clown she's no use to us dead” the elder vampire stated. Pennywise huffed and released the girl who began coughing and crying. Leech inhaled sharply and pushed herself up using her anger to mask the extreme pain in her leg and gut. She stumbled over to the girl and cupped her face. the elder vampire and clown watched on with interest.

“Girl, listen. We need to know if any of your coworkers meet the description of hair gel and revenge obsessed. Probably someone new in town, carries around a creepy looking book”

“T-theres A-Adam I g-guess… He doesn't seem revenge obsessed he seems rather nice really. Will you let me go now p-please?”

“See Pen? You just gotta get straight to the point and- Wait…wh-what was that name?” Leech’s eyes darkened and her blood ran cold

“A-Adam”

Bones cracked in the vampires shoulders and she pulled her hands away staring at her blood covered fingers and back at the girl. “Huh….that… thats interesting….”

“Apprentice, isn't that the name of-“ the elder vampire was cut off by Leech’s soft laughter that grew louder and frantic, her voice splitting into something demonic till the nosferatu doubled over and began shrieking.

“HAHAHAHA SEE YOU CANT HELP IT EITHER!” Pennywise shouted to her beaming with victory as his mate gave into a frenzied bloodlust.

“It seems she's been picking up your mannerisms clown” the elder vampire said to him.

“Birds of a feather.” Pennywise chuckled to himself as leech’s limbs stretched and dislocated. The nosferatu’s face changed to the large eared skeletal bat monster and her claws clacked against the kitchen tiles. The creature charged the delivery girl grabbing her face and tilting her head back. She frantically licked the cuts on her victims neck with greed and when the girl screamed Leech roared back at her in her face. The nosferatu bit down into the girls collar and began to shake her head side to side like a shark cutting out a large chunk of flesh. Pennywise grinned and let out an involuntary purr.

“Ah would you look at that! She's come so far. You must be proud of her.” Dracula said to him looking on like a father at his daughter’s graduation.

“Very.” Penny smiled dreamily. The elder vampire patted him on the shoulder and tipped his hat moving to join the rest of the house having dinner on the couch. Ash came downstairs rubbing his head going to the kitchen to fashion an icepack when he saw the murder scene unfolding in the kitchen

“What the hell happened here?”

Leech sniffed the air a chunk of flesh hung from her mouth. She turned to the human and lunged at him screeching, Ash quickly drew his shot gun and took aim. Before anything bad could happen something grabbed the vampire by the ear and sat her down. Whoever it was spoke to her harshly in Romanian and Leech felt weirdly compelled to obey turning back and landing in a squatting position.

“You need to show me how you did that vampire.” Penny turned to Dracula in earnest.

“What was I just doing?” Leech shook herself in a haze.

“You got triggered!” Freddy shouted with a mouth full of noodles. “Some guy named Adam has the book and you freaked out.”

“WHAT?”

————————

Gasp what a twist. Not really but I’m excited to reveal Adam the vampire to you all and the real reason Leech left him. Also Dracula shouting at night creatures to sit the fuck down in Romanian like he does with the wolf in Bram Stokers Dracula. PS: Don’t break Pennywise’s table.

[clown-bait]

Monster Christmas PT2 (Monster Roommate AU)

Ice skating Penny! I’ve been so excited to post this guys you have no idea. He’s basically Bambi during that winter scene but a giant killer monster trying to hunt. Its so pure. Also two monsters having a bloodly snow ball fight and making horrible macabre jokes like two giant NERDS. I love them they’re OTP. 

Monster Christmas Part 2 

Pennywise the Figure Skating Clown

“Oh there you two are I was about to come look for you but I got caught up having a lovely conversation with your Uncle Bob! He's going to show me around town tomorrow so you two can go to work!” Leech’s mom smiled happily at them. She really was the cutest mom.

“Yeah we ran into him on the way back from our um… smoke break…” Leech pulled at the bottom of her dress.

“Ugh Lucy darling you know I detest that habit of yours.”

“Its a hard habit to quit.” Robert gave her a wicked grin and she elbowed him hard.

“‘I’m calling a cab. Well drop you off at the hotel mom we’re uh we’re going to…”

“Grab a drink?”

“Oh look at you two! Finishing each others sentences! So adorable!”

The two monsters both blushed. “Mom! D-dont”

“Well you have to come up to my room I brought my home made lemon cookies the ones you loved when you were a kid!”

Leech whined realizing she cant indulge in her favorite treat. “We’ll take them to go.” Gray smiled

———

“Wull eh offishully loff your mofer” Robert popped the last of an entire box of cookies into his mouth.

“You're just saying that because she fed you”

“You never feed me!”

“I bring you snacks all the time”

“Yeah as bribes!! And then its “Penny don't eat Randy he tips well. Pen will you help me make food I can’t even eat for some dumb holiday that worships a bird. Oh Penny never mind eat Randy for me he's tipping Sandy more. You were perfectly capable of eating Randy yourself you know!”

“The “Randy incident” does not need to be brought back up” she growled shuffling her feet in the snow.

“Do you know what he was afraid of?!”

“Are we really doing this?”

“VAMPIRES LEECH! I literally just turned into you!”

She paused and turned to him.

“Wait why me specifically?”

“I don’t know….. maybe I like the way you look when you get, as you say, hangry”

“Aww really?!” her face lit up like a christmas tree.

“Yeah yeah enjoy the compliment……lazy bloodsucker…”

“Awwww Penny” she stopped and hugged him tight. Robert rolled his eyes and pulled her into him.

“Don’t let it go to your head.” he smiled into her wig

———-

He brought her to the town square and paused to look at the giant tree in the center. They saw other couples drifting around the ice rink together, blissfully unaware of the monsters watching them.

“You know, I bet you'd be killer at ice skating.” Leech gave him a sly grin

“Why’s that?”

“Its like dancing but on blades.”

“Go on…”

“Not the kind you're thinking of….. but I suppose you could kill someone with them if you got creative…”

“Hmmm… we should try it.”

“Ice skating or murder with ice skates?”

“Both!”

“Yeah because that would go over so well.”

“Fine! We’ll just do the boring part” he grabbed her hand and rushed to get in line.

—————-

“Ok so I haven't actually done this in years. Last time I did was with Adam and I nearly broke my leg…”

Robert growled at the mention of her ex. Leech gave his arm a shove “Oh stop you got to rip him apart be happy. If it makes you feel any better I'm already having a way… better.. time….” they both paused to watch a beautiful young girl drift by with hunger.

“Dibs! I call dibs!” she elbowed him.

“You already ate tonight!” he hissed “You know I’ll just take it from you anyway.”

“That’s not how dibs works”

“As if I care. Alright lets make it a game then, who ever lures her first wins.”

“You are so on.” the nosferatu licked her lips and grinned.

“Um sir I don’t think we carry your size skate…” the attendant pointed at the disguised clowns massive feet. Leech snorted and Robert gave her a shove.

“Its ok I brought my own” he smiled

“Hey! Hey Rob! Robert! Brobert!” she elbowed him over and over till he turned to look at her.

“What!?”

“You wanna know why people are terrified of clowns?”

“I’m going to regret this aren't I?” he sighed “Fine, why?”

“The bigger the feet, the bigger the dick!” she snorted again and banged on the railing.

“Did you- did you just compliment my dick size?” his face became slightly pink

Leech wheezed at her own terrible dick joke. “Hey, I aint wrong big boy!” she gave him a flirty wink Robert turned bright red in embarrassment. “I cant take you anywhere.” he grumbled.

They sat down and Gray materialized skates onto his feet. Leech snickered as she laced hers up.

“What?” he glared.

“You're so going to fall on your ass.”

“Am not!”

“Have you ever skated before?”

“How hard can it be” she saw him put weight on the blades under his feet and watched as his knee wiggled off balance.

“I'm going to totally win”

Robert stood up attempting to intimidate her only to wobble and catch himself on a ledge. Leech snorted with laughter.

“D-dont laugh at me!”

“Oh my god you're like a baby deer trying to stand!”

“S-stop I am the alpha predator! AAHH” he fell to the side and opened his legs wide to stabilize himself.

“This is golden and we’re not even on the ice yet!”

She left him to go skate around on her own. He sneered and giggled when Leech wobbled a bit as well but as soon as she got the hang of it she was gliding around with ease. “You coming Bambi?”

“Why are you calling me that? Don't call me that.”

“Because I know you’re going to spend half the time trying to stand the fuck back up.”

He growled and attempted to enter the ice rink watching the girl they were both competing to lure. He instantly slid sideways and latched onto the wall in embarrassment hearing an all too familiar cackle from behind him. “How are you so good at standing on ice! Tell me!” he snarled

“Good? me? Pleeeaase they always picked me last for hockey when I was a kid.” she frowned at the memory and sighed. “Come here ruffles I’ll help you.” The vampire drifted over to the wall and hoisted him to his feet. “Hang on to the ledge for a bit and watch my feet.” she showed him the way to push forward and he watched her movements. “Go slow. I know how you like to rush things” Robert nodded and copied her with eyes trained on those pretty little legs. She turned around so she was skating backwards and started showing off “Not too bad! Still awkward as hell though!” Leech teased, suddenly she fell back when she hit the wall and Gray unable to stop crashed on top of her. They both looked at the compromising position they were in and Leech let a slight blush creep onto her face before they both burst out laughing. “Oh god we’re terrible at this!” she wheezed “I bet that chick is laughing her ass off at us” Gray’s laughter died down and he lovingly placed his hand on her rib cage. The young vampire’s lips parted and her breathing deepened. Everything around them seemed to just melt away.

“It seems like I'm ill equipped to hunt in winter.” he chuckled. “I’ll need to practice”

“You accidentally caught me though, that good enough?” she gripped his coat and pulled him closer.

“Mmm I’d say its better” his eyes changed color as he leaned into her, his cold hand cupping her cheek. Leech closed her eyes and craned her neck to meet him their lips inches away from one another until they were interrupted by an angry female voice. “Hey Romeo and Juliet! Get up or get a room I'm working on my routine here” they both turned to find the girl they were trying to hunt standing over them with her hands on her hips. Robert gave Leech a sly grin. “Time for you to lose little hunter!” he hissed “How rude of us to get in your way miss! My apologies!” he turned and attempted to hoist himself up the girls eyes grew wide when she saw the handsome man before her leaning on the wall for support. “Say I'm quite bad at this and you seem to have great skill care to help?” his eyes flashed hungry yellow. “Wh-what about your girlfriend?”

“What girlfriend?” he grinned making the memory of Leech and him disappear from the girls mind. His victim smiled and beckoned him to follow her.

“Oh you dick!” Leech growled “PLAY FAIR ASSHOLE”

“Like you were ever going to play fair in the first place darling.” he smirked awkwardly pushing himself along the wall away with her target.

“Ok you may have a point…but still!” she snarled and stood up fine if he wanted to play dirty she’d be more than happy to get dirty. Leech buttoned her coat up tighter and scraped the ice with the blade of her skates making a pile of white powder. She grinned and looked over at Robert who was leading the girl to an exit his eyes glowing bright like candles. The vampire stood up and skated over to him as fast as she could manage she skidded her skates so a spray of powder hit him on the back. She heard the disguised clown snarl and turn, thats when Leech nailed him with a ball of ice on the side of the head. “YOU LITTLE BRAT!” he roared and the vampire howled with laughter. Robert scooped up some of the ice shavings around him and lobbed a giant ice ball at Leech’s face. He grinned triumphantly while the vampire shook the ice out of her wig.

“Um hello?” the girl asked as the two disguised monsters glared at each other.

“Not now Ashley” Gray snarled preparing to wipe the sly smirk off his lovers face.

“H-how did you know my name?”

He paused and looked over to his victim. “You must of mentioned it on the way over here or something.”

Robert turned back to Leech but she was gone, vanished into the other skaters.

He grumbled something to himself and pushed his victim away from the crowd “Hey careful! I’m a finalist in the skating competition!”

“You think I care?” Robert arched his brow and pulled her behind a store where he backed her into a corner.

“Oh mister you’re too rough~”

“You have no idea” his eyes began to shine.

“I bet you like it rough too.” the girl grabbed at his belt buckle. Robert raised his brow unamused. He was about to mock her when he heard a familiar hissing from above him, his golden eyes trailed up long black gnarled claws till they locked onto two terrifying orbs of moonlight. They watched each other with intensity as the girl fumbled with his belt. He knew she was getting jealous and seeing his vampire get so worked up made his eyes shine even more. Robert gave Leech a victory smirk and a white gloved hand grabbed the girl by the throat. He began to squeeze the life out of the poor girl while practically eye fucking the vampire watching from above. Ashley screamed and his other hand covered her mouth. “That wont do you any good little miss Muffet. No one can hear you right now” his disguise melted away into the clown she screamed again “That was your favorite rhyme when you were little wasn't it? Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and way! hahahahaha!” he sang in a demented voice as horrible black claws creeped down the side of the building and a low churr filled the air. The clown removed his gloved hand from her mouth Ashley was hyperventilating now and tears streamed down her face. A new sickening voice whispered in her ear dripping with venom “then along came a spider who sat down beside her” The poor girl turned and was met with the face of skeletal bat like creature. The beast opened her fang filed mouth to let a long raspberry colored tongue drag along the girls face. Pennywise purred with delight. “And frightened miss Muffet away.” He sang his is mouth opened up and thousands of black spiders poured out of it onto his victims face and chest. The girl let out a primal screech of sheer terror.

The spiders on her vanished into shadowy smoke. Pennywise charged forward and ripped at the girls body creating a hole so big it nearly tore her in half. Leech sat on her wall and watched the life fade from her eyes as blood fell turning the white snow beneath them red.

“Sometimes I forget how dangerous you can be” she mused while she observed him rip the body into pieces tossing some in a pile to save for later. Penny looked up from his meal and grunted in approval. The vampire crawled off the wall and sneered at the corpse.

“You got jealous didn't you” the clown grinned face covered in gore.

“Shut up you won the game don't rub it in.”

“Aww my little hunter is a sore loser!”

“I just didn't like the way she touched you” Leech grumbled.

Pennywise chuckled a bit digging in the torso of his victim till he found what he was looking for. “I got something that will make you feel better!”

“What?”

He held out the humans heart in one large gloved hand dramatically dropping on one knee mocking a human proposal “Take my heart love!” he let out a burst of laughter at his macabre joke. Leech snorted and put her hands on her knees gasping for air while the two of them had a giggle fit over the warm mangled corpse. “You fucking nerd” she scooped up some blood stained snow and threw it at him. It hit Penny in the chest and the clown growled. “Oh naughty naughty little hunter! Now you've really done it!” he grabbed a much bigger snow ball and lobbed it at her laughing when the force of it nearly knocked her down. The vampire hissed and threw one of her own hitting the clown between the eyes. He shook the snow off his face while his ruffles jingled like sleigh bells in the night.

Leech walked over to him and picked up a strip of meat from the carcass. “May I?”

“Hmm you may. You might be earning it in a bit though.” Pennywise grinned wickedly.

“Thats a win-win for me.” the vampire rolled out her tongue and sucked the flesh, making sure the clown could see. he huffed “Dirty little thing, trying to tease Ol’ Pennywise”

“You already teased me plenty in that other alleyway.” she said mouth full of meat.

“I never planned on stopping.” he grumbled, turning to the corpse

She finished her last bite and silently stalked over to him her footsteps light and soundless like an owl’s wings. She tried to creep behind him but the clowns eyes were already shining gold in the night. When her arms snaked around his torso he switched their locations suddenly they were in the sewer and Leech had fallen off of him with a thud the corpse from their dessert landing next to her.

“Ow hey Pen!”

“Look who's falling on their ass now!” he laughed at her. “Shoulda known better than to sneak up on the likes of me little hunter.”

“There a reason you brought me here? Or are we just going to chit chat all night”

“So eager I love it!” he chuckled reaching out and pulling her into him. “don't worry little one you'll get me soon, I want to have some more fun first.” Leech smirked at him and snaked her hand up his chest.

“Such as?”

“How about a little role play hmm?” he leaned down to meet her gaze and smell her arousal.

“Oh you kinky bastard~” Leech snickered as he nipped the top side of her face.

“You be the fox little hunter and I’ll be the hound.” he chuckled darkly “If I catch you I get to tear you apart”

“And if I get away?” she nipped at his nose

“You’re not going to love” he growled. “I always catch my prey.”

Leech kissed him with a snarl “Come and get me then.” she whispered against his lips.

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LOOK AT THESE TWO CUTE ASS DORKS! They're having such a good time being fluffy af and dismembering people! Also people tend to forget that Pennywise tore Betty Ripsom in half, he didnt just bite her once he probably ripped her apart while she was still alive man. The clown is fucking brutal. I want to explore that a bit more since Leech is a lot more like a paper shredder that will strike up a casual convo while torturing you (she’ll be breaking an arm and go “Oh hey thats a cool shirt what size are you? I think I’m going to keep that when I’m done!”) while Penny’s more like a grizzly bear wood chipper that will dismember you alive while giggling to himself. They both get off on it though, its their shared hobby.