#i like how when he was asked on march 9 2024 what happened on march 9 2024 he's like ??? no clue sry

[il-predestinato]

Oh, Charles... your memory isn't bad. It's just selective. 🥺

Saudi Arabia 2024 // Val d'Argenton 2012

[hotforharrison]

It's been about a week, and I'm back to the cathartic land of the void.

Out of the 371 tracks on the Spotify Taylor Swift Complete Collection playlist, the shuffle feature chose probably the sole and single one that could reduce me to a crying mess -- happiness from evermore.

I had listened to it exactly once when the album came out before I decided I wasn't going to listen to it again because it felt vaguely like some things that were starting to go on with my marriage.

I didn't add it to my liked songs and completely forgot it existed until shuffle thrust it upon me today.

It went from vague to some of it being very clear and applicable.

I know it's not supposed to be a sad song, but I'm still clinging desperately to my wishful thinking and not ready to give up yet. I've been with him almost half my life, and I don't know how to just let that go when I have even the tiniest sliver of hope left.

I so easily upset him and ruin our time together, with things that wouldn't elicit the some response if it were his girlfriend in my position. I know it's because of all the heartache I've caused him in the past, that his fuse when it comes to me has shortened over the years and only has the tiniest bit left. He didn't deny it.

I admitted to him that I spend all of my time with him walking on eggshells, questioning everything I'm going to do or say in my mind, and still fail consistently. He told me it wasn't healthy to live that. I told him that I know.

Everything about this is hard, but the hardest thing is seeing him have that happiness that used to be ours, that I want more than anything to recapture and have again.

We were each other's person for a lot of years -- years that I took for granted until they abruptly ended last fall. Now, he has a new person, and she has him, and they have happiness.

I have what feels like a gaping wound in my chest and only a box of cheap off brand bandaids to tend to it.

We'd always had a sexually open relationship since we met in person for the first time and started long distance dating, but we transitioned into a polyamorous one 9 years ago.

While my husband has had a number of girlfriends and women he's seen over the years, I stopped trying to date anyone else 8 years ago, after I found and briefly had my second "boyfriend" ever (my husband being the first). "Boyfriend" is a term I use very loosely for that relationship.

And here I sit 8 years later, once again wanting to find a boyfriend, with the term not used loosely this time around.

I'm not going to start trying to date again until I've lost quite a bit more weight.

I told my husband to be honest with me and asked him what he would think if he met me today for the first time. He said he would have found me sweet and fun to talk to, but I wouldn't be on his dating radar.

He didn't answer in an unkind way, and I'm not upset with him for how he feels.

I mean I also have an upper limit, based on what activities the person can do. If we can't spend a day at, like, the natural science museum or zoo or aquarium or a larger mall or something along those lines and walk around there without constantly stopping, it's a compatibility issue.

As far as my current progress goes -- my highest weight was 352.8 lbs. I started on September 22 of last year at 340.6 lbs. My 2024 starting weight was 309.1 lbs. My last weigh in was on March 1 at 295.4 lbs. Before my ankle surgery was scheduled for January 19, I wanted to get into the 280s at some point in February, which unsurprisingly didn't happen when I was unable to walk a single step for several weeks.

I obviously still have a very long way to go to get down to a healthier weight. The upper range for me being a "healthy" BMI at my height is 169 lbs.

I've been pretty on point with my moderate keto diet for months now, but there's an unfortunate limit that's been placed on me for activity.

My foot and ankle doctor said I'm not allowed to start working out until I'm cleared to do so. The soonest that would possibly be is my 12 week follow up on April 8. Over a month away.

I was cleared to walk again a week ago tomorrow, though, and I've been doing that in moderation.

For the first few days, my stupid calves were killing me after not being used for several weeks. Adding in multiple stretching sessions a day and massaging them helped clear that up. That pain is fortunately 100% gone now like it never existed in the first place.

I wasn't expecting to, but I'm definitely not getting in those 10,000 step days I aimed for last year. So far, it's been a "good" day if I do 3,000 or so steps, and it's been up in the air for whether I end up regretting it the next day or not.

My goal is to gradually up the daily steps starting this week with a baseline of 3000 increased by 50 steps per day, and dial back if the swelling and pain flare up.

On an unrelated note, I also wrote another 2000-ish words over the last week for one of the Harrison fics I was working on. The story is unfortunately not to that point chronologically yet, though, so for now it's a future snippet. It was very clear in my head, and I didn't want to lose it, so into the a new future chapter document it went.

[immortaltale]

jurgen klopp on pep guardiola

29 december 2015: "if this rumour is as well-tuned as all the other transfer rumours here, then pep will go somewhere else completely. but if it really happens, then in comes perhaps the best coach in the world. that would make it that bit harder for all the other teams." (x)

10 april 2018: "we are not more experienced than the city players in this competition. we all know about pep, best manager in the world, and then it was clear that they will be outstanding." (x)

23 november 2018: —pep guardiola or jose mourinho? "pep guardiola. it's not about better, i think pep is the best coach in the world. so you could have asked about any other name. it’s not about the comparison with jose, pep is doing quite alright." (x)

3 january 2019: "i really like pep, and i admire his work, to be honest. he's an outstanding— for me, world's best manager. that's how it is. and i don't say that now because he said we're the best team in europe or whatever." (x)

26 september 2019: "pep guardiola...what can i say? he has won so many titles, the way his teams play. he’s so exceptional, hands down the best manager i’ve coached against. it was an honour to be nominated alongside them." (x) 

8 november 2019: "i couldn't respect him more. for me he's the best manager in the world. wherever he was, a proper impact on his team." (x)

21 december 2019: "i'm lucky that i can say that my teams were at least close to his teams because i've said a lot of times, i think he is the best manager in the world. what he is doing with his team is incredible. the way they play, i really like to watch." (x)

27 june 2020: "for me, pep guardiola is the best in the world, and maybe that's not right because i don't even know a lot of them. but of the ones i know, he's the best." (x)

4 july 2020: "i respect what he's doing, when we meet i want to beat him or his team, but i have absolutely no problem with admitting my 100% honest opinion that he is the best manager of our era." (x)

12 may 2021: "city has an incredible squad and the best manager in the world, so that makes it a good recipe." (x) 

29 october 2021: —who do you think is, then? best manager? "for me it's pep." —pep guardiola, best manager in the world. "yes, for me it is." (x) 

8 april 2022: "pep is the best coach in the world. i think we all would agree on that. and it might be a coincidence that it didn't work out so far in the champions league or whatever, but the things he won, the football he plays, if anybody doubts him, then... i have no idea how that could happen." (x)

8 april 2022: "all what i say about city, i mean. i really mean. they're great, pep is the best coach in the world, i have no problem at all with that. i always wanted to be the coach of the team who can beat the best team in the world, and actually i achieved that as well somehow." (x)

9 april 2022: "i respect a lot what they are doing, to be honest. it's an insane football team, and for me the world's best manager. so that's a combination which makes it quite tricky." (x)

15 october 2022: "i don't know how often i have to say it, or maybe i don't have to, but i think it. he is the best manager in the world. and he's proving that all the time, every day. it's special, what they are doing, it's really special, and i respect that." (x) 

1 april 2023: "i consider him the best manager in the world, and i like how his teams play, which is the best thing i can say about a coach from another team." (x)

24 november 2023: "if i have to tell you how influential pep has been on football, it would be a real joke to be honest. he is and, i don't know how often i have said it, but he's the best manager in the world." (x)

8 march 2024: "i'm not sure how often in this club we have to say [it so that] you know how much we respect the opponent — in this case now city — and mean it. pep is the best manager in the world. i have no problem, i have a really good life with being not even close to that, it's absolutely fine, believe me." (x)

8 march 2024: "i know i'm quite good at what i'm doing as well ... i know i'm not bad, but you ask me about the best, and for me, he's the best. bam. so that's it, that's why i say it." (x)

[dear-diary-im-still-here]

March 12, 2024. 9:39PM

My chest feels heavy. I feel like I can’t think straight.

Everything keeps moving forward and I feel stuck in place.

What is going on? Why do I feel this way? Why can’t I let this go?

I don’t know what to say… I’ve left out so much that’s happened since our ‘big’ conversation. There have been times when it’s just been us two, and we just hold hands. Why?

Why?

WHY?

I don’t know why drunk me, feels fine and more than willing to hold on. Why does drunk me feel fine? The last we sat across from each other, I couldn’t help but wonder why I thought it was okay. Do I just like being held?

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE physical touch. I crave it, makes me feel wanted. Or maybe makes me feel like I’m loved, but who knows if that’s the other party’s language?

Anyways Saturday I was caught off guard. I came out the restroom and he was alone. I asked if he was okay, and I’m not really sure what else I asked, but I couldn’t hear him so I asked him to come closer. I could swear he kissed my neck, or he wanted something more. Had he kissed my neck hard enough, he would’ve left a mark. It was quick, but it was enough for my heart to stop. Am I crazy? He swears he blacked out, so does that mean he doesn’t remember?

Should I ask…do you remember waiting outside the bathroom?

Why am I letting this happen? How does he truely feel? I’m so in over my head, I don’t know why I let it happen. The way he caresses my leg, or plays footsies. WHY DO I LET IT HAPPEN?

Then, in May we all plan to go somewhere. Am I afraid? Yes. And I sure there will be time to hide away? I’m sure. When? Who knows. I hope we can stay away, but can I trust myself? Drunk me can’t be trusted. I let my emotions or feelings carry me away. I’m excited but anxious. What to do what to do what to do. I’m scared.

I want to message him. But wouldn’t he have done so? I don’t want to message and it’s taking everything inside me not too. Who can I talk to this about? No one. I know it’s wrong. But it doesn’t feel wrong. Am I crazy?

9:54PM

[catolinewsdailyreadings]

Tuesday of the Third Week of Lent

Readings of Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Reading 1

DN 3:25, 34-43

Azariah stood up in the fire and prayed aloud:

“For your name’s sake, O Lord, do not deliver us up forever, or make void your covenant. Do not take away your mercy from us, for the sake of Abraham, your beloved, Isaac your servant, and Israel your holy one, To whom you promised to multiply their offspring like the stars of heaven, or the sand on the shore of the sea. For we are reduced, O Lord, beyond any other nation, brought low everywhere in the world this day because of our sins. We have in our day no prince, prophet, or leader, no burnt offering, sacrifice, oblation, or incense, no place to offer first fruits, to find favor with you. But with contrite heart and humble spirit let us be received; As though it were burnt offerings of rams and bullocks, or thousands of fat lambs, So let our sacrifice be in your presence today as we follow you unreservedly; for those who trust in you cannot be put to shame. And now we follow you with our whole heart, we fear you and we pray to you. Do not let us be put to shame, but deal with us in your kindness and great mercy. Deliver us by your wonders, and bring glory to your name, O Lord.”

Responsorial Psalm

PS 25:4-5AB, 6 AND 7BC, 8-9

R./ Remember your mercies, O Lord.

Your ways, O LORD, make known to me; teach me your paths, Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior. R./ Remember your mercies, O Lord.

Remember that your compassion, O LORD, and your kindness are from of old. In your kindness remember me, because of your goodness, O LORD. R./ Remember your mercies, O Lord.

Good and upright is the LORD; thus he shows sinners the way. He guides the humble to justice, he teaches the humble his way. R./ Remember your mercies, O Lord.

Gospel

MT 18:21-35

Peter approached Jesus and asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, 'Pay back what you owe.’ Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives your brother from your heart.”

[zak-shit]

march 1st 2024 9:14 pm

don't greatly feel like doing this rn, but i know I do need to.

brain is constantly racing lately. i mean constantly i really do.

the grief of losing lisa has been coming harder, i really miss her and i cant believe she is really gone. i will never forget that woman. lisa was truly my favorite person growing up. she's a real angel now.;/ Marisa Lynn just called me while I was writing the below stuff, she said new years eve was the best. I think about thanksgiving alot too, we had a all nighter, I'll never forget seeing Lisa on the back porch as the sun came up. and that was practically the last time I really saw her. Her health went downhill so quick after that.. I had the thought earlier like things just came together in a way, and that night was almost a send off for her. except nobody knew. it was really our fucking reunion., and it turned into our last night together.

tomorrow ive got to go to my brother casey's wedding ;| i haven't seen this side of my family in like nearly 5 years. i ordered something I really like to wear, something that is appropriate, but also boldly ME. It may not arrive in time, and I don't know what to wear in that situation yet, also don't know if what I already have that is appropriate is something i feel comfortable wearing/ me. :/ but its fineeeeeee this wedding will happen. i'm going to see both of my brothers tomorrow, my dads brother (he's chill) and my other niece's and nephews. just weird bc i don't know these people honestly. we have a zero on the relationship bar. idk that just makes me anxious, uncomfortable... shruggg. i just know when I have a life event I wouldn't invite them, but I feel obligated. however i do also feel immensely happy for Casey, the divorce of his first marriage im sure was extremely hard for him. i'm glad he has a great partner now, large happy family. he seems content the last few times I'd seen him. Casey is the only one I have seen in the last 5 years. My aunts funeral, fathers day like two years ago, and Marissas baby shower. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be celebrated and have who he wants to show up for him, show up. I'll also have Cece, and Marissa there to keep me company.

i feel alone. Wrote that before Marisa Lynn called me. Expecting and hoping she calls me back. Idk, its Friday night and I'm all alone, not much is stimulating to me. I don't have a hyper fixation right now, so its like I have nothing lol. makes me feel like a zombie just coasting through life. I understand why my comfort/ favorite/ go to people cant hang out tonight but idk I miss them. And I had to cancel plans with Alyssa for tomorrow bc I changed my mind on attending the wedding. Texted her asking about other days after we talked and she said she was soooo happy I was going. and nothinnnnnn. idk a little "let me seee" and then get back to me would be nice... i know shes got alot going on though. im not upset with her at all. but I miss her :( Ruby cant hang because her back is killing her :( also not upset with her at all, i see her all the time lol. but idk maybe i'm just a bit bored... I have decided to start working shows at the theatre again! maybe partly for a little stimulation. Its been so long since I've done a show! I used to think strongly that I couldnt do it because I'm not getting payed.. but I was never payed before, I always did it because I enjoyed it so much! Its something to do thats a passion of mine. also the sense of community is great and admirable. everyone who is there.. wants to be there! its not like at work where people are miserable. I applied on the website, but i think I'll draft an email to someone tonight. I wanna jump on this burst of energy for it before it goes away and I don't take it up again. plus I'd like to see how much I like it. Crazy being able to get back into hobbys. lol for so long I thought it was possible to make time for it. and hey with me being active there again, maybe it would be easier to also get Cece into it.

I also bought some adderal from Kerri, I think thats what has awoken quite a bit inside me. i really need this shit to be real human. lol especially the highted emotions. I've actually cried both yesterday and today. and its been so therapeutic. Lisa also took me to my first audition into the theatre, she sat there while I did it, she filled out the paperwork. I thank her for that. I wished I could in person because that really means alot not looking back and seeing how far that took me/ changed my life. it really did change my life. so did our pitch perfect binges. <3

my mom has been really good lately. she stopped drinking as much. like for a few weeks, maybe 2 weeks. she didnt really drink at all. shes been alot more active around the house, she said she would treat herself to it on saturdays. which is fair, thats cool. so yesterday, a thursday when I came home and I could tell she at least had a buzz going on, it instantly locked up. idk i was dissappointed, i was angry, I was sad. It triggered me for sure, because, for once I wasnt expecting it. at least on Saturdays I would expect it. I can clock when shes had a sip of alcohol better than I can clock probably anything. so she cant lie to me about it.. but also highly emotional on it because I've wanted the last few weeks to be our reality for so long, and so badly... she really seems ready to cut it down to one day a week. and I know she can do it, she just did it. she just has to stick to it. I have high hopes, thats why I didnt blow up or something about it, also because i'm smarter than that, i know time and place to be heard best. and after a drink its never there. I just mentioned it this morning. I think she had a tiny bit to drink tonight too.

currently talkin flirtin with trey <3 i want him :((

xoxo wasted a bunch of time its now 12:29 am need to try to get sleepy byeeee

[siberianoverture]

Don’t You Know - 8

previous: CHAPTER 7

You're asleep when the plane touches down in Wakanda, but wake when the door opens. Bucky watches you open your eyes and assess the surroundings again, seemingly afraid of Hydra agents jumping out of shadows and taking you away. Peter's gone in an instant and Sam makes himself scarce.

"We're in Wakanda, I have friends here that are going to help you," Bucky says waiting for you to untangle yourself from around his arm. "Help me?" you stand up and stretch your limbs. "Get rid of Hydra in your brain." "Oh," you nod, "makes sense," looking back at him you ask "is T'challa king yet?" and Bucky is baffled how in the world you even know about Wakanda, let alone about its former crown prince. He doesn't have time to question you because Shuri steps onto the jet. "Ah, I was wondering when I'm going to see you again. It's a small world after all," Shuri exclaims ignoring Bucky and he thinks he's going to explode if someone doesn’t explain something soon. Shuri ignores him though and shakes your extended hand. "It's good to see you too, Princess." Before he can say anything Shuri is leading you away and he's left standing in the middle of the plane with a sudden headache. * "I can't believe he's the one you've been waiting for. He was brought by Steve years ago and never mentioned you," Shuri talks dragging you to where you suppose her lab is, "I mean he got out in what? 2014? And he only brought you out now? I have half a mind to take his arm away..." Shuri stops rambling when you stop in the middle of the corridor frozen in your step. "What do you mean? What year is it now?" Shuri looks at you like you're crazy, but you probably are. "2024." "So, you're telling me he left me there for ten years?" "I know, right?" Shuri resumes walking and you automatically trail behind her, "I mean he was snapped away for five of them so you can't really blame him for those but with how adamant you were about going back to Hydra for him one would think he'd be back for you guns blazing the moment he got at least some of the memories back." You hear Shuri rambling, but you can't focus anymore on her words. You had the opportunity to get out of Hydra time and time again, chance to run away or even to get help and asylum from Wakandans but you went back for him again and again. To your soldier, to the blue eyes that in rare moments of humanity gained back had so much life in them you could drown. And he came back for you, got you out, but after what? Ten years? How many lives did you take thinking that you were waiting for him, preparing for a mission together so you could run away to the life you created in the moments of clarity, and he was already out? He was out, building a life for himself, and you were still playing a monster waiting for him. You let yourself be guided through the weird procedure with even weirder machines, not finding in yourself to care anymore and trusting the Princess not to damage you permanently. You lay on an uncomfortable table with millions of wires all around you and let your mind wander until you finally fall asleep listening to Shuri humming a song you're pretty sure you heard somewhere before. The boy from earlier, you learned his name is Peter, is there too and you should be warier of falling asleep with a stranger in the same room but at this point, you really don’t care. * "I think, I'm not sure, she's not loyal to Hydra, only to me. Or her handler," Bucky stops for a moment and thinks about your behavior, "Or maybe to me, as soon as the director dropped his order, she went back to me. She's programmed differently." Sam nods. "Are you okay? I know we fought Hydra before, but this was different." Bucky doesn't have an answer, adrenaline still in his veins and feelings and thoughts messy inside his head. There's some history he can't hope to understand without speaking to you or Shuri or T'challa and he can't shake the feeling he won’t like what he's going to learn. Or at least hopes to learn. He's not sure Wakandans are still eager to trust him. Sam leads him to the seats in front of the labs and sits him down. "Peter's with Shuri, we can talk if you want to," Sam offers. Bucky just leans his head on his friend's shoulder and stays silent for a while. "It's just, I have this feeling that it wasn’t the Soldier that trained her, not the same one that was sent after Fury, it was the rest of

humanity that was left in him. I feared my handlers, she trusts me, and instead of being relieved for herself first, she was relieved I was free and thankful I came for her." Sam is quiet. "I think that she's not like me, that they didn't erase her as well as they did my brain for some reason." "That's good, maybe she won't be as difficult as you, not so brooding." "When Shuri is done with her she will remember everything she's done, what Hydra's done," he trails away, "what I've done, what I've taken from her." "Hydra took from her. From what I gather, you assured she survived." "Thank you for being here." Sam hums in reply, too tired to speak, and Bucky continues. "I felt so awful knowing I made her life hell, but when I look at her, how she reacts, what she says, I think I didn't make it as bad as mine was. Maybe The Soldier protected her somehow. Maybe I was there too, taking care of her." "Whatever happens, remember you pulled her out of there." Bucky can hear Sam's breathing become shallower and more even and after a while both of them are sleeping, in uncomfortable seats, waiting for Shuri to step out of the lab. * It's early morning when the doors finally open. "She's awake," Shuri says and Bucky almost hugs her. Almost, because Shuri doesn't seem to be as happy as he is. "What's wrong?" he asks and feels Sam’s hand on his shoulder, keeping him grounded. "Maybe you two shouldn’t speak just yet." Bucky's brows furrow and he looks over to Sam and back to Shuri. "What do you mean, is she still under Hydra's influence?" "I removed all that, but if you hope to learn about her time before that she doesn't want to remember. And she doesn't like what she is remembering from Hydra." "That's okay, I didn’t like that either," Bucky mumbles and pushes past the Princess. "You really should give her some time," Shuri tries to stop him, but he steps into the lab before any of his friends have a chance to protest. You're sitting on a table he remembers laying on during his procedure, Peter by your side, your hands in his on your lap, talking quietly about something. You look up when you hear doors slam shut and jump a little and Bucky immediately regrets not closing them gentler. You slide down from the table and he can see the storm of emotions raging in your head on your face. The sadness is expected and he wants to assure you everything’s going to be okay, but then decides it's stupid, and before he can decide what else to say you're angry. You march closer to him, and he swears you look like you want to punch him. He'd let you. "You left me there," is the first thing you say, almost whispering, and Bucky's breath hitches, "You left me there, with those monsters and you've run away to build yourself a new life," you're still whispering but your voice sounds like a scream in the silent lab. There's so much hurt in your voice he'd rather you punched him. "I didn't remember you," he interrupts, and you laugh at him. "She's given you your memories back too!" Angry tears cloud your vision, but you don't care to wipe them off, "And you only came after all these years!" "Do you even know what they made you?" Bucky snaps back and of all the things you expected to hear from him, this wasn't one of them, and Bucky sees it. It's clear to him you don't know but he can't stop his anger now, even if it’s not directed at you, "They made you forgettable! You didn't exist for me until a few days ago." You blink, your tears falling as you look for a hint of lie at his face, but under all the anger, you see he is honest. It suddenly starts making sense. How he always seemed to get to know you all over again. How he promised to keep you safe every time you met. You always thought he wanted to remind you, show you he cared. That that was the kind of person your soldier was before Hydra. When you noticed he forgot something you always thought Hydra took his memories, that they were doing something wrong because you always remembered him. After all, you needed to remember him, he was your partner, and you were his. They didn't take his memories;

he didn't have any in the first place. You put your faith in someone who forgot about you the moment he was out the door. The realization hit you like a wave of saltwater, trying to push you under until you drown. Even now, he didn't remember you. Even with Shuri's machines, he doesn’t remember the moments of light stolen from your captors. You see his lips moving but you can't hear anything as you crumble to the floor. You know you're screaming but only because your throat hurts. There's no sound, you're underwater. You feel his hands on your shoulders, one cold and one warm, but someone is pulling him back and Peter's face appears in front of you. The sound comes back with a pop, and you cling to Peter as you cry for the man you lost.

next: CHAPTER 9

taglist: @lozzybowe

[miki-agrawal]

Are we really in for a summer of love? A post-vaccine dating investigation.

Dating podcasters, condom companies, bartenders, and college students weigh in on the horny months to come.

Originally Posted On vox.com By Lauren Vespoli On may 3, 2021

How much kissing will happen this summer? Annette Riedl/picture alliance via Getty Images

This story is part of a group of stories called

“I’m excited to go a bit buck wild and feel so much safer,” says Elena, a recently vaccinated college student. “Just go on a lot of dates, make out with some guys, nothing serious.”

The 20-year-old Salt Lake City resident, who asked that her last name be withheld to protect her privacy, is ready to make up for lost time in her romantic life. She did some app dating during the pandemic, but Covid-19 was a constant presence, with several of her dates later telling her they’d been exposed (though she never caught the coronavirus). During quarantine, Elena spent time rehashing missed chances in her love life. “I was just thinking, ‘When I’m out of this, I’m going to make the most of every opportunity,’” she says.

In Manhattan, Marc Hernandez, a bartender at the cocktail bar Ampersand, says that even at 50 percent capacity, the scene — “which has always been one for first dates” — is already feeling like its pre-Covid days. “That gets me thinking that the summer is going to be a little wild,” he says.

“WHEN I’M OUT OF THIS, I’M GOING TO MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY”

“Shot girl summer.” “Vaxxed and waxed.” The “whoring 20s.” As the US becomes increasingly inoculated and the weather continues to warm, the number of Americans who are ready to date is on the rise: A Morning Consult survey for the week ending April 25 found that 53 percent of adults feel “comfortable” dating right now, up 9 percent from the last week in March (although women still feel less comfortable than men). Everyone from Andrew Yang to the bidet company Tushy — which is maintaining a herd-immunity countdown clock at CanIEatAssYet.com — are building anticipation for a hedonistic release of pent-up sexual energy.

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“Hot vax summer is coming,” Insider proclaimed in March. “NYC singles ready for ‘slutty summer’ of casual sex,” screamed the New York Post. Clearly, many are ready to throw themselves back into the social melee. “Touch starvation” is real, and it can increase stress, depression, and anxiety. But after a year of such intense isolation, fear, suffering, and grief — and as the pandemic continues to rage across many parts of the world — the answer to how people will try to make up for lost time and lost touch is more complex than the orgiastic fantasy hawked by Suitsupply.

According to psychologist Amanda Gesselman, associate director for research at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, the pandemic has motivated American singles to look for partners rather than casual sex. While “there will [certainly] be people having the time of their lives” when it’s safe to do so, Gesselman says, “we actually found that people are less interested in no-strings-attached sex than they used to be.” In a recent Kinsey Institute study on post-pandemic sex (conducted in partnership with Cosmopolitan and Esquire), which surveyed 2,000 Americans between the ages of 18 and 45, more than half — 52 percent — of singles said they want to find a committed relationship post-pandemic, while about only one in 10 said they’re looking for no-strings-attached sex.

“That was a bit lower than we expected, considering everyone’s locked up and has been for a year,” Gesselman says. That said, as most people have spent more than a year worrying about infection and thinking about how to protect themselves from germs, she reasons the mindset “might be extending to sex with unfamiliar partners.”

“WE ACTUALLY FOUND THAT PEOPLE ARE LESS INTERESTED IN NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED SEX THAN THEY USED TO BE”

Ilana Dunn, co-host of the dating podcast Seeing Other People, says she’s been hearing similar feedback from listeners and friends. “Everyone’s like, ‘Yeah, of course, I’m going to get really drunk and go wild for like, a week. Because we need to do that. But my goal is to find someone.’” In an Instagram poll that received more than 1,000 responses, Dunn says she was surprised to see 88 percent say that as people get vaccinated and the world opens up, they feel more inclined to look for something serious, while 52 percent said they’ll be open to hookups once they’re vaccinated.

Gesselman believes the pandemic has pushed many people to be more introspective about what they want in their lives, particularly younger adults. “When you’re in your mid-20s and you have your entire future ahead of you, and then you just sat through an entire year of social isolation and halted progress, it really makes you think about the things you want in your life,” she says. “I think a lot of people are thinking more towards what would make their future the best rather than what would be good short-term gratification.”

Meanwhile, condom companies are cautiously hopeful demand for their products will continue to grow along with the vaccinated portion of the US population. Male contraceptives saw a 2.5 percent uptick in sales at the beginning of April, according to Ken DeBaene, LifeStyles’ vice president of sales in the Americas, who says he’s “optimistic this is a return to more normalized consumption levels.” (Between late March and mid-April, the sexual wellness industry overall saw a 4 percent sales bump.) LifeStyles is looking at returns to employment in the hospitality and service industries, as well as colleges’ fall opening plans, to help anticipate demand, DeBaene added.

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At LOLA, a feminine care and sexual wellness company, chief marketing officer Monica Belsito says both “self-play and partner play” have been prevalent this year, with the brand seeing a 40 percent spike in lubricant sales and a record number of preorders for its new vibrator. However, as vaccinations of younger populations increase, the company “expects STI protection to steadily increase, creating a demand spike in condoms this summer and fall.”

Many people are also searching for a historical precedent that can shed light on what awaits us in the post-Covid recovery period, from the Roaring ’20s — when the nation indulged after the ravages of World War I and the 1918 pandemic — to 1967’s Summer of Love, when tens of thousands of young people gathered in San Francisco to listen to rock ’n’ roll, experiment with sex and drugs, and protest the Vietnam War.

“If you look at the middle to late 1960s as an opening up after a period of considerable repression in the ’50s, I think the parallel is not unreasonable,” says historian Dennis McNally, who also worked as a publicist for the Grateful Dead. However, he points to the FDA’s 1960 approval of the first birth control pill as a key influence in the sexual liberation movement that climaxed that summer. Even after seeing the hordes of spring breakers that descended upon Miami in March, before vaccines were widely available to younger adults, McNally isn’t convinced the vigilant “pandemic safety” mindset will be banished with vaccines. “The message of all of this is that reality is dangerous, which is a very repressive lesson, and it’s going to take a while, I think, to unlearn that lesson and be able to go out and relax,” he says.

As for the Roaring ’20s comparison often attributed to social epidemiologist Dr. Nicholas Christakis, the timeline he’s laid out doesn’t predict a pendulum swing away from the risk aversion of the present moment until 2024, when vaccines will have been distributed around the world and there’s been more of a recovery from some of the pandemic’s economic devastation. He sees this summer as having the potential to offer “a taste of the past and a hope for the future,” Christakis recently told NPR.

“PEOPLE GO ON A DATE AND NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BESIDES COVID”

Gesselman and Dunn also cite lingering pandemic-induced social anxiety as another obstacle to a bacchanal this summer. “A lot of people didn’t date last year, and I keep hearing from our listeners that people go on a date and nobody knows how to talk about anything besides Covid, and it’s not leading to good date conversations,” Dunn says. And in Gesselman’s research, one of the top fears respondents have cited is not having the ability to protect their own mental health as they reemerge from quarantine. “It seems like people’s biggest concern is when life opens back up and they’re finally able to pursue these connections, ‘What if I get rejected or things go wrong? What happens if disappointment strikes?’” Gesselman says.

Elena, the college student who’s excited to get back to more carefree dating, is also wary of the expectations she and many of her peers are putting on this post-vaccine summer. “I do think people have very, very high expectations, because you kind of need to live your entire life that’s been put on hold for the past year all in this summer, and if they’re not met it’s going to be tough,” she says. “But I think for the most part, people are really down to do anything.”

Tushy is a bidet startup which aims to replace toilet paper, Tushy was founded by Miki Agrawal.

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Coronavirus, Davos, Impeachment: Your Wednesday Briefing

(Want to get this briefing by email? Here’s the sign-up.)

Good morning.

We’re covering China’s handling of a deadly outbreak, speculation about Vladimir Putin’s next moves and an Armenian outpost that tracks cosmic weather.

China’s leader under pressure as deadly virus spreads

Experts at the World Health Organization will meet today to determine whether an outbreak of a deadly coronavirus that is radiating outward from the Chinese city of Wuhan is an international health emergency. Here’s what we know.

In a vivid report from Wuhan, population 11 million, our correspondent describes how nervous residents are buying up face masks and flooding hospitals to report fevers and coughs. He also explains why President Xi Jinping, who is eager to expand China’s global influence, is under pressure to show that the world’s most populous nation can responsibly handle a public health crisis.

Details: The outbreak has already killed at least nine and infected more than 400 people in China, and spread to at least five other countries, including the United States. The virus is thought to have originated with animals but is now spreading from person to person.

What’s next: The worry is that the outbreak will ripple farther across Asia as many people there travel for the weeklong Lunar New Year holiday that begins on Friday, and possibly turn into a pandemic.

Background: China withheld information during a 2002-2003 outbreak of another coronavirus, SARS, that killed more than 800 people. Mr. Xi’s authoritarian government has vowed to do better this time, but it’s already controlling the narrative about the virus by censoring news articles and social media posts.

Go deeper: Our graphics editor mapped where cases have been reported so far. Others have most likely gone unreported.

Climate change tops the agenda at Davos

When President Trump swooped into the World Economic Forum in Switzerland on Tuesday, he implicitly criticized Greta Thunberg and other climate change activists, saying that they peddled warnings of doom at a time of economic prosperity for Americans.

But global warming and sustainability were the meeting’s main themes, and Ms. Thunberg, 17, refused to share Mr. Trump’s optimism. In her own speech, she warned the Davos elite that inaction on climate change was “fueling the flames by the hour,” and implored them to stop investing in fossil fuels immediately.

Quotable: “From a sustainability perspective, the right, the left as well as the center have all failed,” Ms. Thunberg said. “No political ideology or economic structure has been able to tackle the climate and environmental emergency.”

Related: Our correspondent took an in-depth look at how climate change contributed to the devastating fires that have so far burned through more than 16 million acres in Australia.

If you missed it yesterday: Federal funding to fight natural disasters in the United States is complicated by conservative states that either play down or completely avoid mentioning climate change in their applications.

Impeachment trial opens with partisan clash

Democrats may begin their oral arguments as early as today in the impeachment trial of President Trump, who is expected to return to Washington from Davos hours later.

The trial began in earnest on Tuesday with partisan fights over its ground rules, and Republicans blocked Democrats’ efforts to subpoena witnesses and documents related to Ukraine. Here are the highlights.

What’s next: The White House had wanted to quickly dispense with opening arguments so that Mr. Trump’s team could complete his defense before the weekend. But moderate Republicans insisted on a rules change that would give each side 24 hours over three days — not two, as the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, had proposed — to present its case.

Related: Mr. Trump’s trial is the second of the mass-media era, but the news media is not allowed to bring cameras into the chamber to record it. That means cameras and microphones controlled by Senate staff members will dictate what the public sees and hears.

Putin keeps Kremlinologists guessing

Russia’s chattering classes are busy parsing the surprise constitutional changes that President Vladimir Putin announced last week, changes that could create new avenues for him to rule the country for the rest of his life.

Or perhaps not. On social media, our correspondent writes from Moscow, Russian political analysts “have put forward so many different theories that they paint a picture of a nation in collective befuddlement.”

Case in point: Mr. Putin’s announcement prompted a string of high-level resignations and unexpected appointments. Yet the new cabinet, announced on Tuesday, includes the most prominent members of the last one.

Background: Many analysts initially thought that the constitutional changes were intended to allow Mr. Putin, 67, to take up a powerful role when his second presidential term expires in 2024. Now they aren’t so sure.

If you have 7 minutes, this is worth it

Pennies from heaven

Scientists see giant particle accelerators, in which protons collide at astonishingly high speeds, as an essential technology for unlocking the secrets of the cosmos.

But spare a thought for the Aragats Cosmic Ray Research Station, above, a mountaintop research station in Armenia that tracks exploding stars and the cosmic weather they produce.

The station, established by the Soviet Union in 1943, gradually lost influence as particle accelerators and other technologies came online. But its staff members are still churning out papers, our science reporter writes, and its buildings and instruments have endured “like ghost ships in the cosmic rain.”

Here’s what else is happening

Remembering Auschwitz: Dozens of world leaders are expected to speak out against anti-Semitism at an event in Jerusalem’s Holy City today for the impending 75th anniversary of the liberation of the infamous death camp in Poland. A philosophy professor drew lessons from the Holocaust in a piece for our Opinion section.

Terrorism crackdown: Britain said on Tuesday that it would introduce tougher laws that will entail longer prison sentences and end early release for people convicted of terrorism offenses.

Royals abroad: Prince Harry is said to have arrived on Tuesday in Canada, where he joined his wife and their 8-month-old son, Archie. But almost nothing is known about their plans to live part time in the country.

Deep sea discovery: Scientists dropped alligator carcasses deep into the Gulf of Mexico to investigate what scavengers might be lurking at the bottom. They were surprised by what they found.

Snapshot: Above, Lebanese demonstrators face off against the police this morning, a day after the government announced a new cabinet. The country has been mired in a debt crisis and protests over corruption and mismanagement.

I quit: Our collection of 21 first-person narratives discusses quitting all sorts of things, including jobs, sex, a famous band — and even the task of writing about quitting.

What we’re reading: This article in The New Yorker. Brent Staples, a Pulitzer Prize-winning member of the Times’s editorial board, calls it “a vivid new history” of “how slave rebellions (not white abolitionists) defeated slavery in the hell that was the Caribbean.”

Now, a break from the news

Cook: If you’re looking for comfort food, make a batch of sopa de albóndigas, a Mexican meatball soup.

Watch: The Welsh actor Michael Sheen discussed his portrayal of a serial killer dad on the show “Prodigal Son” and how he does — and doesn’t — take his role home with him.

Read: Kyle Chayka’s new book, “The Longing for Less,” explores minimalism as a manifestation of civilization’s discontents, among other things.

Smarter Living: Organize your fridge the way pros do. It saves both food and time.

And now for the Back Story on …

The media spotlight

One of the reasons Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan, cited in their decision to step back from their royal duties is the need for a more private life.

The desire is understandable. Paparazzi hound celebrities of all kinds, and the prince’s mother, Diana, died in Paris as her car raced away from photographers.

Fifty-one years ago, another hounded Brit took a very different approach.

John Lennon had become a global star as the Beatles rose to extravagant heights of popularity, but in 1969, the band was inexorably breaking up. The other Beatles’ lack of enthusiasm for Mr. Lennon’s devotion to the conceptual artist Yoko Ono added to the tension — and further whetted the public appetite for gossipy details.

After the two married in March of that year, in a hastily arranged ceremony in Gibraltar, they knew there was no way to avoid being set upon by reporters and photographers.

So they invited them in. They took up residence for days at a hotel in Amsterdam, holding open hours from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., and later did the same in Montreal, using the “bed-ins” to promote global peace.

That’s it for this briefing. See you next time.

— Mike and Sofia

Thank you To Mark Josephson and Eleanor Stanford for the break from the news.Andrea Kannapell, the Briefings editor, wrote today’s Back Story. You can reach the team at briefing@nytimes.com.

P.S. • We’re listening to “The Daily.” Our latest episode is about President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial. • Here’s today’s Mini Crossword puzzle, and a clue: Guitarist’s time to shine (four letters). You can find all our puzzles here. • Nicole Perlroth, who covers cybersecurity for The Times, answered readers’ questions on Russian hacking and the coming U.S. election in a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything).

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