#i love author cameos and this brings me no end of delight

[firstofficerrose]

Is that Dr. Edgeware? But... happy???

[thedrarrylibrarian]

Can I say that I'm SO excited for this rec? It's always so much fun to host a guest in the library, and I have loved reaching out and making new connections with people I hadn't talked with before, but it's EXTRA fun when the reccer is already a friend AND when she recs a brilliant fic that I hadn't previously read! I don't know what else to say about this lovely writer than she's a wonderful and positive addition to our fandom, and a dear friend of mine. Without further ado, here is @nv-md to share our April Happy Hour Rec!

On a normal day, my inbox is not usually a source of joy. Bills, ads, work, and more ads, means that I spend most of my time avoiding emails at all costs.

However, an email from AO3 brings me nothing but joy.

An email that one of my favorite authors has written another seven thousand words (that I get to savor for free in the middle of the produce section while ignoring the poor man behind me who just wants to buy squash)? 

Well, there’s no greater joy than that.

And I’ll be taking zero comments at this time about how much I rely on fanfic for serotonin.

So, onto the fic in question!

I cannot recommend InnerLilith’s work enough. Like honestly, all of her fics are bangers and you should feel free to stop looking at this post to go and read them all right this moment. But, if you want to stick around, I’d love to tell you about ‘I’m lying when I’m looking away’.

I'm lying when I'm looking away by InnerLilith (6,757 words, rated E)

Sometimes it takes a Purim party and a flapper dress for Harry to figure out what he likes. (Spoiler: He likes Malfoy.)

This fic features: Jewish holidays and traditions, Draco in a flapper dress, flustered Harry, hilarious banter, meaningful discussions about gender norms, the smuttiest smut that ever smutted, and a soft ending that melted my heart.

I fell into this story headfirst and it was nothing but delightful from start to finish.

Harry’s POV is perfect. He’s a goddamn mess, has no idea which way is up, and waxes poetic about Draco’s legs and skin and lips and collarbones, and generally makes a fool of himself in front of all of his friends. Classic Harry James Potter behavior that I will never get enough of.

“Then he was striding over, all that leg just exposed, so Harry could see the muscles shifting with each step, the ripple of satin over his hinging joints, the soft, dark promise of what hid underneath.”

Draco is cool and confident (omg the snark), his legs are long, his dress is short, and I love him as much as Harry does. Honestly, I think about Draco in a flapper dress at least once a day.

“Malfoy certainly seemed to think nothing of it, sauntering around like he was born in that flapper dress. And maybe that’s what the big deal was for Harry, actually—how Malfoy acted like it wasn’t a big deal at all, and how he was right.”

Everyone is at the Purim party, including our beloved Fred (who lives), and they all make cameos as they watch Harry drool over Draco. If I tried to include all my favorite parts, then I would just have to copy the entire fic into this rec, but just know, the gang’s all here and it’s wonderful and brilliant. Lilith nails each voice, their costumes are hysterical (I will never recover from Luna as a demiguise), and I wish I was cool enough to be invited to their party.

In between eating hamantaschen and celebrating with wine, Harry and Draco circle each other all night. They’re not enemies, but it’s clear they don’t quite know how to be friends either, and they’re so obviously into each other that you can’t help but root for them to figure it out. There’s just enough ‘will they or won’t they’ to keep you on the edge of your seat and to make the ending that much more satisfying. Then—

THE SMUT! 

That’s all I can say about that because you need to read it yourself—it is delicious—but here’s a little teaser.

“Harry tugged his clothes off frantically, and when Draco brought a hand to the straps of his dress, slanting his brow in a question, Harry said, leave it, leave it, and his voice sounded cracked and desperate.”

This fic has it all and you will not regret one moment spent in this world. I wish that we could gather around a table, drinking and eating and laughing and talking about this fic. Since we can’t do that, please read it and then come and yell at me about it. 

Happy reading and a big hug and kiss to the Librarian, your hard work does not go unnoticed and it is sososo appreciated!

Hugs and kisses back and thank you to @nv-md for joining us for Happy Hour! As always, if you enjoyed a fic, please leave a kudos or comment!

Lots of Love and Happy Friday!

[kuwdora]

Star Wars audiobooks! I've been restless for new Star Wars since Andor ended. Been going through a handful of Disney era and Legends novels over the last few months. I have enough reactions to get down into an actual post. Mostly I'm just going to be foaming at the mouth over Marc Thompson and Sam Witwer's narration and falling over myself about the characters. I have listened to: Dark Disciple, Last Shot, Disney Thrawn trilogy, Heir to the Empire, Darth Maul: Shadow Hunter. Lots of these books I liked, some of them I didn't but the narration and characters are still amazing. Motherfucking MARA JADE. Asajj Ventress!!!!!!!! I have no rational mind about Maul and I am one of those feral stick figures chewing on Thrawn. Hnnghh.

First of all, let me start with Marc Thompson. He's been doing the audiobooks for years and years now. Here’s a great intro where he’s talking about the differences of doing character voices and learning the importance of bringing the right dynamic to the prose. He slips so seamlessly into his Star Wars voices reel, ahaha.

Here is a really cute Lip Sync Battle where Marc Thompson will say a line and then have a fan lip sync the same line back at the camera. His energy, his energy I love it so much. Everyone is having SO MUCH FUN. There’s also a cameo by Star Wars author Christie Golden in this video. Super cute.

First book:

Dark Disciple - Christie Golden Narrated by Marc Thompson

Alright I actually had picked this up ages go from my library and never read it but since I’ve been on an audiobook kick, Marc Thompson got me goin’ with alllll his voices.

I love Asajj Ventress so I was pretty much guaranteed to enjoy something from this book. Apparently it was written based on some unfinished scripts for an arc that would have happened if the show didn’t get cancelled. Knowing this makes a lot more sense with regards to the pacing and I think I would have preferred the animated episodic for this since I think a lot of the early Quinlan and Asajj stuff dragged a little too much. However I did appreciate getting more of a deeper dive in Asajj’s head and it really made me want to go digging through AO3 for some amazing character studies that I know must exist at this point.

But yeah, I didn’t think I’d enjoy the eventual romance between Asajj and Quinlan but Quinlan was such a perfect set-up for a fall from the Jedi Order. I think I’m just really easy when it comes to whumping the fuck out of Jedi with torture and their own emotional repression.

I was really into all the Dathomir scenes and the history of Asajj with her sisters being touched upon again and how she managed to not “go crazy from the dark side” because of the balance she found because she was a Nightsister.

A++ for Asajj having to go to Boba fucking Fett to mount a rescue mission inside a fake heist.

Really I think I’m just so easy for murdery women with a rage boner. Fuck Dooku.

Marc Thompson’s narration was a delight and I definitely would recommend this for anyone who enjoyed The Clone Wars series and wanted to get a little more Asajj screen time. Here’s a scene where someone pulled Clone Wars clips and put Dark Disciple audio underneath. Marc Thompson bringing incredible Dooku subservience and Sidious danger, hhhngh.

7/10, would listen to again even though I'd rather see the finished episodes.

Last Shot (A Han and Lando Novel) - Daniel Jose Older Narrated by Marc Thompson, Daniel Jose Older and January LaVoy

This book was extremely disappointing. Normally I am a fan of seeing fan-favorites have their mid-life crises but I was extremely bored and over with Older’s take on Han having an existential crisis of who he was as a father an husband in this post-Empire world. Lando on the other hand, was having a crisis of genuinely having fallen in love and not knowing how to handle that. I fucking loved that.

This book had multiple timelines and jumped around a lot and I don’t know if I just wasn’t focused enough while listening but the timeline jumps were jarring and incomprehensible at times. The action plot ended up being rather unsatisfying.

It was also very jarring to have three narrators for the different timelines and I kind of feel bad because I went and looked and Older’s narration is just consistently getting panned across all reviewers—and for good reason. Thompson and LaVoy are experienced voice actors and with Older in the middle, Older just seems slapdash in his reading. If it was just Older all the way through I might have been more forgiving but going back and forth with everyone… it really was painful at times.

It was a slog to get through this book, really. What I actually really enjoyed was all the original characters: an Ewok slicer, a nonbinary hot shot pilot, and Lando’s love of his life whose name is slipping my mind even now, agh. I wasn’t fan of the villain character, unfortunately, and it was a bit of a letdown that the action plot was just… I don’t know, boring. It was a riff on transhumanism except with droids and a bit of droid supremacy to it and I was just... tired by it.

Marc Thompson was KILLING it tho. His performances always fucking delight me. January LaVoy’s narration of Lando and L-3 were also really great even though I just wasn’t into the scenes themselves.

3/10 - do not recommend, HOWEVER I would read fic about the lady ewok hacker Peekpa.

Darth Maul: Shadow hunter By Michael Reeves Narrated by SAM WITWER

I am, as the fannish parlance goes, Not Normal about Maul or Sam Witwer's performance as Maul.

This novel takes place just before the events of The Phantom Menace and it’s a Star Wars story that is very, very narrow in scope. The stakes are still very high because someone has gained information about the Trade Federation’s impending blockade and Sidious sends Maul to go and take care of it. The whole story takes place in the underbelly of Coruscant and I gotta say, it’s really refreshing after going through a bunch of Star Wars shows, books and films where it’s all galactic hopping whirlwind stuff to have that's in one place and happening in a short amount of time. I think it's something like 2 or 3 days that all the events happen.

Michael Reeves is a man of deep characterization and creates an amazing sense of place in the Black Sun alley of Corusant. We get very little Sidious and Maul interaction but what bits we do get are fascinating and haunting. I do like the ‘less is more’ approach here with these two...although I will say I’m not sure I would have picked up this book if I hadn’t gone through The Clone Wars and lost my goddamn mind over Sam Witwer’s portrayal of Maul.

And his performance here. In this book. I don’t know what it is about Witwer but when he does Maul my brain just lights up in a way that I haven’t really gotten outside of live theater performances. He brings this sense of ruthlessness and competence to Maul, his gleeful rage and oscillating mania as he ends up tracking an information broker and Jedi Padawan. Oh, Witwer is truly just. Fucking amazing, okay.

I would love this book even if it wasn’t Witwer narrating it but my god he elevates it to a whole new level. I got my copy from the library but it is immediately on my to-buy list once I can buy books again.

Michael Reeves also wrote for Batman the Animated series and Gargoyles which makes a whole lot of sense in the way he’s able to just create such lush sensory detail of place and people, oh holy fuck. He’s the writer who wrote the Gargoyles episode about Broadway accidentally shooting Elisa with her gun (this is an episode that got pulled from airing and I don’t think they have on Disney+ right now). Aw man, alright I definitely need to read more of his stuff now.

The action plot is Lorn Pavan is a down-on-his-luck fellow who got information he shouldn’t have and he is trying to sell it, Darsha the Jedi Padawan gets sent down to bring in a Black Sun informant and things go tits up for her in horrible ways. Darsha and Lorn’s paths collide and they try to survive Maul. I love everything about these characters, except for the end where Lorn started having romantic feelings about the Padawan. Blech.

Also somehow I think I-5 is now my second favorite droid character I’ve come across in the greater Star Wars canon (Chopper will always be my #1 grumpy cat droid). Witwer has the best dry delivery for the droid character. Like. It’s so fucking GOOD.

I’m also impossibly impressed and obsessed with Witwer’s performance of Sidious and the Jedi Council. His Qui-Gon is SO FUCKING GOOD. His Palaptine has my teeth rattling in my head oh my god.

Here’s the first 5 or so minutes of Shadow Hunter, hhnngh. You get Maul, Sidious a drunk Lorn Pavan, and my new droid bestie I-5:

I am 100% going to be reading Michael Reeves’ other Star Wars novels. Apparently he has a series that follows a Jedi-in-hiding post-Order 66 and I want to just dunk my head in all the Star Wars noir, I guess, yes please.

10/10 - I love, would heartily recommend to anyone wanting a kind of story that’s more heavy on character and setting and also SAM WITWER!!!!!!!!! Maul. Hnnghghghgh.

TIMOTHY ZAHN TIME.

Thrawn Trilogy (Disney era) Thrawn, Thrawn Alliances, Thrawn Treason Narrated by Marc Thompson

This was my second time through the Disney novels. I watched Star Wars Rebels first, then my friend jb_slasher told me about Thrawn having novels. I had vaguely heard of Heir to the Empire over the years and also my friend recommended the Disney trilogy so I figured I’d start with that since I was diving off from Disney canon anyway.

My god I love this trilogy so fuckin’ much. Marc Thompson out here nailing it. This Thrawn is the type of character who is always the smartest person in the room and I should get irritated by that like all the other characters but mmmm, I have a competence kink. And I am just over the moon with how he instills loyally and allegiance in his crew who can now have a commander who is not interested in politicking his way through things but actually is committed to strategy and whatnot.

Also fucking Zahn made Thrawn go back to space college. And gave him a little protege who he grew to admire. Eli Vanto is a great character, I am reading a lot of slash about them obviously but yeah, I loved seeing his growth throughout the trilogy. And THRAWN ALLIANCE. Y’all. Y’all. The Star Wars memes about Thrawn and Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker are AMAZING and really do the hilarity so much justice. Here's a fantastic book trailer cut together with Marc Thompson' narration, hnngh.

This man absolutely knows who Darth Vader is and Darth Vader is like “oh fuck no you don’t.” And when Thrawn had met Anakin during the Clone Wars and Anakin had to try and work together with him? Perfection. Bonus Padme getting to be a ridiculous and foolish badass when she goes looking for trouble. And also her also having a competence kink for Thrawn, too. It cracks me the fuck uuuuuup, okay.

Thrawn absolutely hates politics so fucking much and I love to see how that is the primary way he gets thwarted or has to build his strategy around. Because people are fucking assholes and political everywhere. Seriously, have I mentioned how much I love Marc Thompson??

Thrawn Treason gave us more of Thrawn’s people and whatnot with the Chiss which I also liked but I’m really less interested in their motivations and experiences as a culture on the edge of the Empire. More here for Vanto now getting to be the fish-out-of-water and leveling up and getting all the respect he deserves.

MARC THOMPSON, y’all. He does a great Thrawn, an AMAZING whinybaby sycophant Ronan of the Starkiller Project, and his Eli Vanto Space Yokel intonation is 💋. Also I feel like the loyalty and trust that Thrawn earns from his subordinates really feeds into this praise kink thing that everyone develops by being around him. I love it.

10/10 will lose my mind and listen/read this trilogy again and also read all the fanfic about it.

Heir to the Empire Timothy Zahn

I am sorry it took me 30 years to get here but I AM NOW HERE FOR MARA JADE’S RAGE BONER. Let me repeat: MARA. JADE. !!!!!!!!!

Also holy fuck. Luke Skywalker getting to be smart, technically creative and able to navigate through terrible situations in spite of a Force-Blocking Macguffin is AMAZING. I was not expecting to be this into a post-Empire Luke but I really fucking loved it.

I also love all of the Han and Lando scenes in this (WAY MORE than Last Shot, sorry Daniel Jose Older).

Leia and Chewie!! On Kashyyk!! Talon Karrde was so great (Thompson made him kind of sound like Antonio Banderas??)

Thrawn and his bestie Pelleaon! What a fascinating dynamic.

I actually was not very into Thrawn’s vibes in this book as much as I was in the Disney stuff. I don’t know if it’s because of the vibes they wrote him in Star Wars rebels that got filtered back into Zahn’s take on him for the books (or if it was the other way around?) - Like, the calculating tactical and man of strategy is still there, but… hm, I’ve been struggling to articulate what about it that didn’t tickle me as much. He’s still playing the long game in every situation but I don’t know… I think there’s this more pragmatic view of people he has in the Disney books that he doesn’t get here in the first of this trilogy. I haven’t gotten to the other two books from this series yet so maybe I’ll feel differently later. The anniversary edition of the audiobook that I got from my library was narrated by Marc Thompson and he (you'll be so surprised) fucking nailed it all for me. Love love love.

10/10 timothy zahn, I love you. You got an amazing way of writing action. I gotta read more of your stuff. Anyway, I'm also starting the Ahsoka novella that I think (??) is not quite canon anymore since they got a final season for Clone Wars, but it's by E.K. Johnston and narrated by Ahoska's voice actor Ashley Eckstein. Don't have enough thoughts about it yet but I love Ahsoka so I'm sure I'll have a decent time.

[magicofthepen]

🐛🪳🐞

bug me for fic recs!

aand *spins fandom wheel* let’s do one per fandom/sub fandom again!

🐛 Recommend a great WIP / unfinished chapter fic everyone should leave a comment on!

I was just talking about this one in the tags of another post, so:

Causal Sequence by @leia-stark / @joycieillustrations: Chancellor Narvin spends every evening in the Lady President’s quarters. Set during Gallifrey Series 5.

(Romana/Narvin series 5 fake relationship—because best to feed the rumors that they’re involved, especially if it hides their actual secrets. only three chapters so far and it hasn’t been updated in a while, but I really hope there’ll be more—the banter and snark between Narvin and Romana is spot on for where their relationship is at in series 5 and I really want to see how their Practical Plan inevitably leads to Complicated Emotions.)

🪳 Recommend a great AU!

in honor of it recently updating and the author promising that it will be finished(!!):

The Law of Gravitation by @bardqueenofgallifrey:

Bill Potts has had her life turned upside down - in the space of a year, she's ended up as one fourth of the biggest band of the century, and become a global lesbian icon. Which, let there be no misunderstandings, is pretty awesome. 

What she didn't need was to fall for some mysterious girl who keeps turning up in the front row of their concerts, a girl with a star in her eye. 

And if the gay panic weren't enough, Theodore (or, the Doctor, as his older fans call him) and Missy are sitting on some secret that only River Song seems to know anything about, a secret that could bring up a dangerous part of their past with their ex-bandmate Harold Saxon - and a horrific reporter called Kovarian seems determined to unearth it, at any cost.

(aka the band au. twelfth doctor era centric, but there are so many cameos. it’s such a delightful fic, I love reading these characters—many of whom never interacted in canon—spark off of each other. it’s fun and heartwarming and funny and angsty, and I’m looking forward to rereading at some point!)

🐞 Recommend a favorite fic or several from one of your friends, or a fic author you really look up to!

oh there’s so many I could list for this one, so let’s go with an author I look up to, but who I don’t think I’ve talked about except to friends, because I didn’t do much original posting about Steven Universe. and it’s hard to pick just one fic to rec, but let’s go with this one:

Marching On by @oathkeeper-of-tarth: Garnet, Bismuth, and Pearl, and the end that is anything but. "Change Your Mind" episode tag.

(this author was The steven universe author for me back in the peak of my SU fannish interest and wrote such amazing rebellion-era fics and character explorations. so of course, when I did a spontaneous rewatch last fall, I immediately went and found the fics of theirs I hadn’t read—including this one, which absolutely captures the nuanced feelings of the finale, starring the three og rebels.)

[luthienebonyx]

Yuletide Recs

This is the first time in about five years that I've participated in Yuletide, and I was the very lucky recipient of two lovely gift fics, both of which gave me exactly what I wanted for their respective fandoms. I've also done recs for nine other stories that I enjoyed a lot. My two gifts: Peelian Principles Fandom: Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch Author's summary: "You're very calm about this," Seawoll said on the fifth day. Characters: Peter Grant, Thomas Nightingale, Alexander Seawoll, Martin Chorley, Sahra Guleed This is Nightingale's POV during the period in Lies Sleeping when Peter was held prisoner. I really felt the lack of Nightingale after I read Lies Sleeping, and this story does a terrific job of satisfying the ache I had to know what was going on with him. This is a fabulous portrait of Nightingale. I particularly love all the little, Nightingale-ish ways in which he betrays that he's frantically worried about Peter. I love this story and would rec it even if it wasn't written for me - but it WAS written for me, which just makes it all the better. Who Interrupts the Act Fandom: Sebastian St Cyr Mysteries - CS Harris Author's summary: Sebastian just wants to reunite with his wife. Unfortunately for him, everyone else seems to have other ideas. Characters/Pairing: Sebastian St Cyr/Hero Jarvis I asked in my request for a story in which Sebastian and Hero at least try to be a normal Regency titled couple without a murder or some sort of mystery getting in the way for at least a little while - and this story has fulfilled that beautifully. The setting has been realised in just the right way and the constant interruptions provide little cameos for various other characters. I love the clues to a possible case that each visitor brings, and would really love to read about it at some point. Sebastian and Hero have other things on their minds, however. ;) I'm just so happy that this story exists! Other recs: A love so much refined Fandom: Devil's Cub - Georgette Heyer Author's summary: "Your transformation into a doting husband astounds, but you must also be seen out and about in order to ensure no one questions the legitimacy of the story we've concocted." Characters/Pairing: Dominic Alistair/Mary Challoner, Justin Alistair, Leonie Alistair Devil's Cub has a certain something about it that sets it a little apart from Heyer's other works for me. I'm not quite sure exactly what that certain something is, except that this story has nailed it. It feels like the world of Devil's Cub. It's Dominic's POV, and I do love the way he's written here, but all of the characters are done well - most particularly Justin - and the married relationship between Dominic and Mary is everything I could have asked for. The Bones of the Hills Fandom: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, The Tiffany Aching series - Terry Pratchett Author's summary: The old people called the biggest flints 'calkins', which meant 'chalk children'. Characters: Tiffany Aching, Nac Mac Feegle The Nac Mac Feegle find an orphaned baby troll, and the usual sorts of things ensue. This story manages to capture not just Tiffany and the Nac Mac Feegle but the essence of Pratchett. The dialogue and Tiffany's POV are both top-notch, but the pun… OMG, the pun - or play on words - towards the end is as terrible as the best puns always are. Madalena and the Dark Dark Evil Wings Fandom: Galavant Author's summary: The day that Madalena wakes up with wings is a good day. Characters: Madalena, Wormwood Oh, man, post-canon Madalena wing fic!!! I loved Madalena's POV all through this, her shallowness and self-absorption and utter disdain for anyone who isn't her, and her delight in her beautiful black Dark Dark Evil Wings. I loved the Dark Dark Evil Everything in this, and had to stop to listen to 'Do the D'DEW' when I was halfway through reading. Precedent Fandom: The Good Place Author's summary: What do you do when God kisses you? Characters/Pairing: Chidi Anagonye/Eleanor Shellstrop Set during Season 4. Eleanor kisses Chidi and Chidi is plunged into a crisis of indecision (more than usual). Chidi's constantly stressed running inner commentary is VERY him, and I can also hear Eleanor clearly in her dialogue. I love the point he's at when the story reaches its end. Never Be Anyone Else But You Fandom: The Marvelous Mrs Maisel Author's summary: Susie Myerson is on tour with her favourite (only) client. It could be worse. Characters/Pairings: Midge Maisel/Susie Myerson, Midge Maisel/Lenny Bruce This is a fabulous character study of Susie and her many feelings about Midge the entertainer and Midge the person. I loved how brash her inner voice is, even when she's reflecting on past pain and unhappiness. Need Against Need Fandom: Mindhunter Author's summary: At the end of the hall there was another door, a bedroom door, Bill suddenly realized, and his breath caught. Holden opened it without hesitation, and Bill followed him across the threshold. Characters/Pairing: Holden Ford/Bill Tench A small window into Bill's deepest and darkest desires. This story is short and intense, and suits the canon and the characters really well. The Snow Woman Fandom: Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch Author's summary: Teresa Nightingale and Peggy Grant deal with someone freezing people to death in London. Characters: Peter Grant, Thomas Nightingale A genderswap/Rule 63 case fic. Peter/Peggy's narrator sounds just right, and I particularly love this Nightingale, and all the ways in which she is so very much a female product of the Edwardian age while still being very much Nightingale. Through All the Years, This is My Home Fandom: Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch Author's summary: At night, when the rest of the staff and most, if not all, of the masters were asleep, Molly would wander the moonlit halls and remember what fresh air felt like on her skin. Of Molly, of Thomas, and of the years they've spent together - and of the Folly, strong and everlasting. Characters: Molly, Thomas Nightingale This is a lovely character study of Molly through the years, and about her bond with Nightingale - and with the Folly itself. If You Could Only See the Beast You've Made of Me Fandom: What We Do in the Shadows (2014) Author's summary: One must never lose sight of what's really important, even especially if one is a werewolf. Characters/Pairing: Stu, Nick, with a hint of pre Stu/Nick Stu POV after he becomes a werewolf. This story made me laugh and laugh and laugh. The Stu voice is perfect, and there are so many great lines that the story left me with a huge grin on my face.

[takaraphoenix]

Movie Review: Mary Poppins Returns

Granted, this one doesn’t go into my series of reviews, but between my 2019 Movie Ranking and my Barbie Movie Reviews, I’m having fun formulating my thoughts on the movies I’m watching, so I figure, why not also write a review for this one.

Now, if you’re looking for... kind words, then this is not a review for you. There was nothing about the movie that was positive for me personally. As a fair warning, if you absolutely love this movie, maybe... don’t indulge in this review.

Well, this movie was surprisingly a worse disappointment than expected – and I was fully expected to be disappointed by this disaster. Alas, it definitely exceeded expectations there...

Where do I even start...?

Things Mary Poppins didn't need: A romantic sub-plot, a villainous sub-plot, ridiculously large blown outta proportions CGI adventures...

Seriously, this movie is over two hours long and one thing that was most definitely unnecessary was for Lin-Manuel Miranda's character to get a love-story with Jane Banks...? What for? Like this movie isn't already long enough as it is.

The extremely mustache-twirling villain was also rather unnecessary. The first movie did quite wonderfully simply focusing on the family issue! There was no need for a bad, evil villain. And here too, it is quite unnecessary. Rather... tiresome, actually.

And I love Lin, I really do, he is great. But holy shit, what in the world was that accent?? That was just horrendously bad. Not as bad as whatever Meryl was going for in this movie...

It's also rather boring to see just how much it beat for beat repeated the structure of the first movie, just blowing it all out of proportion on the way – it's the same structure, but it all had to be bigger and each scene had to be longer than they used to and brighter and louder, gods the colors alone are so loud, and they crammed more and more songs into this, it's nearly constant singing.

Nearly constant singing and yet... not a single memorable song. They were all so... shallow. They weren't emotional or deep or just joyful ear-worms that stick in your head, like the first one had. They were just so utterly forgettable, by the next song I had already forgotten the last?

And that is actually the one thing I did not expect! Literally the only thing I was excited for about this movie was the music because of Lin. He is so brilliant, I had... such high hopes for the music, but it's so incredibly boring and by-the-numbers, just like the rest of the movie is.

Now, on to the acting. Emily Blunt was a shit cast for this. Like, damn. The woman has not even half the charm of Julie Andrews in her prime – and that's hardly her fault, but why would you do a recast sequel at all. And she just brings the entirely wrong energy to Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins is not supposed to be a likable character, she is supposed to be stoic and keep the softness to herself and away from the kids for the most time. It was such a delicate balance that Julie did back in the day and Emily is completely falling off the edge, with her constant grinning. She is brimming with so much excitement – and that might be a good thing in many, many roles; Mary Poppins is not meant to be a character who so openly expresses joy and excitement. She is proper and prim and stoic; that's who she is. All the excitement that Emily brings to the role is... misplaced.

I have to admit, I am absolutely biased against this movie. I'm biased on the personal side where I'm an author and I hate that Disney is just this greedy to go against the author's wishes. The author, who disliked the first movie and spent the rest of her life declining any attempts to make a sequel because she didn't want her work to be adapted by Disney.

The greedy, selfish, dickheaded move of making a post-humus sequel after getting the estate to sign for it is... gross. It is gross and disgusting and disrespectful.

The very least you could do if you shit on an author like that is... actually having something to say. They didn't. Beat for beat, this movie simply repeats the first movie.

Turning chores into fun with magic, gaslighting the children about what is happening, actually helping out the adults more so than the children, the 2D animated adventure with the kids and talking animals, the “chimney dance” scene just now with the new profession, the upside-down side-quest, the visit to dad's work-place at the bank that leads to an outfall, and it all ends in a delightful family trip to the park... it's... literally the same movie, just louder and... blander.

And that is simply disappointing, even more so when you consider how disrespectful the very existence of this movie is to the original author. She... truly deserved better than to have Disney, in an attempt to make even more money like they don't already own literally everything, make this absolutely unnecessary repetition of a movie she already disliked.

(Truly the only charming things about this movie were Dick Van Dyke's cameo at the end, because it pulled on my nostalgic heart-strings, and Lin-Manuel Miranda's joy and excitement.)

[kero-reviews]

Happy Monday and hi :)

This week I’m reading:

Ruin and Rising by Leigh Bardugo

Illuminae by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

The Ancient Magus’ Bride Volume 10 by Kore Yamazaki

and The Complete Sherlock Holmes Volume 1 by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

And I finished:

Kakegurui: Compulsive Gambler Volumes 6, 7, 8, and 9 by Homura Kawamoto and Toru Naomura

Kakegurui Twin Volume 1 by Homura Kawamoto and Kei Saiki

and Siege and Storm by Leigh Bardugo

Ruin and Rising is the continuation of my GrishaVerse readathon with @books-take-flight and the final book in the Shadow and Bone trilogy. I haven’t officially started it yet, so I don’t have much opinion, but I’m sure I’ll love it as much (or even more than) the others I’ve read so far!

I got to read a little more of Illuminae this week! I’m surprised by how different this work is the second read, but I’ll get into that more with my review after I finish it. I’m not able to read it as quickly as I’d like, but I’m still glad I was able to give it some of my time lately, and I hope I’ll get that again this coming week.

The Ancient Magus Bride is a beautiful and magical manga that another friend of mine got me into. This is the newest volume to come out, so I’m even more excited to read it. That being said, I’ve been excited for this volume for a long time, it’s the first book that goes past the anime, so it’s going to be all new content! The author, Kore Yamazaki, said in a mini comic at the end of volume 9 that the college arc (which starts in volume 10) is where the story is “just getting started”, so I’m on the edge of my seat, completely excited as to where this story will go.

And, as normal, I haven’t touched Sherlock Holmes. I generally bring it with me if I know I’ll be somewhere for a long time and don’t want to be without a book, so it doesn’t get read often. Part of me wants to focus on this great piece of literature and finish it, but the other part is too excited about all these other series to stress about this too much.

・・・・・・・・ Spoilers Ahead・・・・・

And this week I got to get caught up in the Kakegurui books!! I’m so excited by the new arc and the new characters! The student council president has set up a gambling election where every student is allowed to gamble for the chance of becoming the new president. I assume season two will go over this arc, but we’ll have to wait and see. We get to meet Kirari’s cousins and sister in this arc and watch them gamble alongside the school body, and, most importantly, we see them gamble against our infamous protagonist: Yumeko. They all have such fun personality that I accidentally binged the rest of this series, which is one of the reasons I was so glad that Volume 9 got delivered a little early. The next volume comes out in a couple months and I will definitely be preordering it, I have to know how the future gambles go down, if Kirari’s sister will allow us into her personality a little more, and how Yumeko is related to Kirari and all of these other new relatives.

Kakegurui Twin is a prequel to Kakegurui, following Yumeko’s best friend’s arrival to Hyakkyaou Academy. The volume was a little slow in starting and slightly jarring since a different artist illustrates it, but I got completely hooked. We get a few cameos and a lot of fun new characters too. But most interestingly we get to see how Mary gets brought into the world of gambling and how it parallels to Yumeko’s.

Finally, I finished the middle volume in the Shadow and Bone trilogy, Seige and Storm. While I loved how this story explores a bit more into the amplifiers, what I loved most from this book was the new characters. Sturmhond was an absolute delight to get to meet. He’s sassy, confident, and capable. And the twins Tolya and Tamar were everything I didn’t know I needed. Their strength astounds everyone in the series, as does their loyalty and easy personalities. I hope we get more from them (and my original favorite: Genya) in the third book. I can’t wait to start on Alina’s journey to the firebird, in fact I hope to make a start on it tonight.

Well, I was able to get lots of reading done this week. I set myself a goal of 3 books a week to make my Goodreads goal possible, and while I want that to mean 1 novel and 2 manga, I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of weeks like this one where I get caught up in the manga series and read many more than the 2- which is fine by me!

I hope everyone has a great week!

Happy reading!

[queerwalrus]

So a while back I asked people which of two (then supposedly) short fics they would like to see first. My brain got sidetracked by Bastard Hamilton and then Thanksgiving break so they got temporarily sidelined, but now I’m back to working on the one people seemed to like the most - the modern AU where Billy is the Jets QB (which is now shaping up to be long as hell). I’ve got a snippet more of that here!

“Go bother them.” Gates instructs. “And don’t let Thomas give you too much red wine – you’ve got an early practice tomorrow.”

“Yes, Dad.” teases Billy, and then he swings himself out of the car just in time to loop an arm around Abigail’s waist.

“Billy!’ she says, delighted, and flings her arms around his neck to hug him. He carries her halfway up the stairs while she shrieks and the wine she’s brought Thomas bounces against Billy’s back. Thomas’ voice through the intercom speakers is crackly and so cheerful Billy will happily guarantee there’s a glass of wine waiting for him when he gets upstairs.

There is. Thomas hugs him with a glass in both hands before he passes one to him, and kisses Abigail on both cheeks before he gives her the other. He looks like he’s about to do a GQ shoot and the gigantic loft apartment looks like it belongs in an interior design magazine. Billy so badly wants to be Thomas Hamilton when he retires.

“There he is!” says Flint, emerging from his study. Madi is trailing behind him with three print journals in her hands.

“Hey, Billy.” she says, distractedly, pouring over a marked page in one of them. “Please tell me you’re writing a refutation to this, James.”

“Of course I am.” says Flint. “It’s fucking bullshit is what it is. He’s fucking Gal-Pal-ing matelotage - I’m going to tear him a new one.”

Thomas, beaming, passes him a scotch.

“Want to co-author it?” Flint asks Madi, glass raised in a half-toast. His sweater has elbow patches. Billy can’t decide if he hates that he loves it or he loves that he hates it.

“I’ll leave this one to you.” Madi says, grinning.

“Well, the next article I marked you need to refute – sit down, have a look, what do you want to drink?”

Abigail crosses the room and sits on the arm of the wingback Madi has settled into to read over her shoulder, sipping at the wine Thomas has given her while she does.

“How’s that chapter looking?” Flint asks Billy, propping his hip on the huge recycled wood dining table.

“I’ve got a draft for you to look at.” Billy says, pulling the print copy out of his satchel.

“A full week early!” says Flint, delighted. “This is why you’re my favorite.”

Abigail flips him off with a finger that shimmers thanks to her gold-glitter nail polish.  Billy grins again.

“What’s for dinner, Thomas?”

“John’s bringing Thai.” says Thomas. “From that place we like near your place.”

“Oh – it’s going to be one of those nights.” says Billy. “I have an early practice, I probably shouldn’t be drinking.”

“Too much.” says Thomas. “You probably shouldn’t be drinking too much.”

“What happened at the office today?” Billy asks, taking a sip from his glass. It’s good wine. Billy’s always had a weak spot for good wine.

 “Debates happened.” says Thomas, fake-cheerful. “Fuck the entire Republican establishment. I hate all of them.”

Billy is very happy to drink to that, and he ends up calling Ben to tell him that the pick up address for the next morning is going to be Flint and Thomas’ place. He steals Thomas’ sweatpants and Harvard Law hoodie and refills the thermos at six in the morning while Thomas and Flint’s cats make pitiful noises at him and Thomas yawns over the last six months of the city budget.

“Bye, Thomas.” says Billy, leaning down to give him a one-armed hug.

“I’m going to fix the subway.” says Thomas, only half-awake.

“Of course you are.” says Billy, and then plays keep-away to ensure none of the four cats escape into the hallway.

***

Practise is less gruelling than it usually is after a night and Thomas and Flint’s, in part because Madi and Abigail absconded with the wine before Thomas got too far into his debate recap, an exodus prompted by Madi’s wife Miranda summoning her home. Billy had snapchatted Abigail a fifteen second video from the car in the morning to demand answers and it hadn’t been opened by the time he walked into the locker room. The door to the rest of the training complex slams open the second he arrives, and his coach appears with his hands on his hips.

“Bones!”

“What did you do, Billy?” asks Muldoon. “They’ve been muttering all morning.”

“I told Sportscenter I have a boyfriend.” says Billy, tossing his bag into his locker and putting his thermos down.

There’s a moment of stillness in which the entire room falls silent.

“Do you, you know, have a boyfriend?” asks Logan.

“Yes I fucking do.” says Billy.

“What about Abigail? Weren’t you dating her?” asks Dufresne, the backup QB.

“Abigail and I get coffee so we can complain about our occasionally crazy and always eccentric PhD supervisor.” says Billy. “Also going by the fact she -” he glances over at his phone “- just broke our snapchat streak I think she’s managed to land herself a pair of girlfriends.”

There’s another temporary silence while Billy’s teammates seem to process this.

“What does eccentric look like on a University professor?” asks Muldoon, with some trepidation.

“It’s Flint, what do you think it looks like?” asks Billy.

“Hold up, James ‘I can drink the entire Jets O-Line under the table’ Flint is your thesis advisor?”

“On international talk like a pirate day he came up with an entire backstory for what would drive him to piracy in the eighteenth century and spoke like he was that character.”

“What did drive him to piracy?”

“He’s gay.” says Billy.

“And? What does that have to do with his pirate backstory?”

“You got hung for being gay back then. Also Pirate Backstory Flint’s beloved Thomas had been imprisoned in a place he couldn’t be rescued from and Flint had turned to piracy as a means of revenge. It was all very melodramatic. Silver got a cameo as his one-legged cook, if I recall. I was the bosun. I’m pretty sure he and Thomas had kinky roleplay sex afterwards.”

“Your life is bizarre.” says Logan, and Billy checks him with his shoulder on his way over to his coach.

[podcake]

Podcast Teatime: Boston Tea Party

Hello again, readers! To cap off this fine interview month, I scored big with pulling aside the creators of Greater Boston Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason for some talk and tea.

(The following is a direct copy-and-paste from the email) 

Question One: I’ve always liked the semi-documentary style of your show. The way it often starts off with an interview that somewhat reflects the central topic of the episode is a nifty framing device. Is there any reason why you chose to do this? JVD: For one thing, our show is set in a real place, albeit a skewed, alt universe real place. Since we mention factual events and history, there’s already some bleeding between fact and fiction, past and present. Further, the show is about a community - a geographical area larger than a city. We have a large cast, but our thought process was the more individual voices that we hear from in the show, the larger our community feels, the more similar to a city and its surrounding areas it sounds. 

The answers we select from our interviews match the tone of what we’re going for, both for the show as a whole and the individual episodes. Some of them are funny, strange, sad, or a mixture of all of the above. It’s a nice, refreshing way to start, I think - hearing something real and authentic straight from someone’s mouth. It’s not written, it’s not rehearsed, it just is.  Finally, it was a good way to make the show more diverse, which was a huge concern for us giving that most of our cast members in Season 1 were white.

It’s a city. Cities are diverse, so it should have a diverse feeling.

Question Two: What is it about Boston that drives you write an audio drama based around it? Are you from that city or do you just personally find it interesting enough to write about?

AD: We’ve both lived in Boston for a long time, but neither of us is originally from here. We’re actually both from different parts of New York. For me, Boston very quickly felt like “home.” I love living in a city that you can reasonably cross from end to end on foot, and pass through such very different places. Boston’s one of the oldest cities in the US, so for good and bad, there’s a lot of history here, and Boston loves wearing its history openly. So it’s easy to find inspiration, both for quirky moments and dramatic.

JVD: Boston is such a weird city! So much of it makes very little sense. There’s this huge sense of working class ethos mixed with higher ed academia, it’s seriously progressive while also being incredibly old fashioned. There’s so much history and it surrounds us everywhere, but then there’s also a ton of development, so you have these old buildings next a bank-sponsored skyrise, the old Trinity Church is dwarfed by the John Hancock tower, but it’s also reflected in its windows. 

That’s Boston in a nutshell; this tiny, old little church directly next to and reflected in an imposing glass tower, Boston’s tallest skyscraper. In the Greater Boston universe, much of what’s happened in the past  remains in the present somehow; the sticky streets from the molasses flood in the North End, the fact that Wonderland is still an amusement park, the trash fire on Spectacle Island – and those are conscious decisions rooted in the fact that our history still surrounds us everywhere we look, whether we’re aware of it or not. 

There’s even some antiquated laws that are technically still on the books in Boston. I remember hearing you can challenge someone to a legal duel on the Boston Common because that law has yet to have been thrown out or redacted. And part of that weirdness to me is urban alienation. Every time I take the Red Line, I think of how weird it is that all these strangers are crammed together in this underground moving box, and everyone acts like they’re completely alone, ignoring the humanity, the community all around them. 

And that’s really a city in a nutshell. We’re all literally in the same situation, we have so much in common, but people sit seats apart from each other. They’re afraid of even their clothing getting too close to another human being. And I get it, because people are afraid of standing out and looking weird, or encouraging weird behavior from strangers. But I feel like the harder we try not to connect with other people? The weirder we all look! 

Question Three: Greater Boston is often described to be a sort of slice of life meets magic realism show…with a subway. Was this the genre you were aiming for or do you deem Greater Boston to be something else entirely?

AD: I think that description captures us pretty well. I worry more about the humor/drama balance than about nailing down a specific genre descriptions. That said, magic realism has certainly been a major influence on my my writing for many years, as have contemporary slipstream authors like Kelly Link. JVD: I appreciate the fact that our genre and tone are difficult to pin down. We wanted to create something complex, something that felt more like a novel in audio form, something that defied classification. It can be a tricky thing to balance, honestly, and we’re both very conscious about making sure some episodes are funny, some are more serious, while all of them sound a little…off, weird, strange, different. That’s the Greater Boston blend we’ve always been going for.

Question Four: Your cast of characters are colorful, to say the least. Is there anyone in particular that’s the most fun to write for?

AD: Well, they’re all fun to write for in different ways, especially because we’ve really tried hard to give them all unique voices. But I don’t think anyone will be surprised to hear that there’s a particular pleasure in writing Mallory. She was only ever meant to appear once, giving her recounting of Leon’s death, back in episode four, but she was just too much fun to write not to revisit her. And now she’s an important part of the full ensemble.

JVD: Mallory is a blast, but she’s also very difficult to write because you constantly have to come up with new and creative ways to swear! I’m not sure I can pick a favorite, honestly, but I love writing scenes with Gemma and Charlotte. They just have such an interesting and complex relationship. I really like Nica too and I use her to express a lot of my personal frustrations and demons. And Leon. Leon’s character is so finite that it’s easy to slip right into that voice.

Question Five: You’ve gotten to collaborate with quite a few people including those behind Ars Paradoxica as well as cameos by Lauren Shippen, Rick Coste, and Ryan Estrada. What was it like getting to work with them and what do you think it’s done for the show?

AD: Oh, it’s so much fun! We’re very lucky to have so many wonderful people who’ve been kind to our show. Getting Beth Eyre in for a recurring part through Season 2 was especially exciting, and she was wonderful! But one of my favorite aspects of this community is how gamely people step into help out on each other’s shows. So many of us have appeared on each other’s shows at this point! (I’m especially proud of my turn on The Infinite Now, in the episode “The Martian Thirst Trap.”)

Of course, that we were allowed to actually *write* a piece of arsParadoxica was a particular honor. They allowed us to write something thoroughly ridiculous for their characters, which was generous and a delight to be a part of. And “Curses” won’t be the last bit we guest write for other shows–but I think we’ll have some announcements to make about that closer to 2018.

Question Six: One of my personal favorite things about Greater Boston has always been the music selection. How exactly did you manage to get a soundtrack that screamed, “This an alternative version of Boston!”

AD: The music began with Dirk and Emily, who are old friends of mine. I actually know Dirk from my days in making comics, and we long talked about collaborating on a project. We *meant* a comic, but Greater Boston became the first project we actually worked on together. He and Emily happened to be talented musicians, playing primarily Irish folk and maritime traditionals, which is perfect for representing Boston. 

They then brought in Adrienne, who introduced the hurdy gurdy to our sound, which was a brilliant addition. Jim, who brings in the drums, is someone we both know through our teaching jobs. We kind of pull talent from all over our lives. Dave Lewis, whose original piano music appeared in season 2, is someone I hadn’t spoken to since middle school, but the show brought us back in touch!

BONUS: I’m sure many people want to know what pushes you to keep writing and creating your work. In something as rickety as the podcast scene, you never know what audience you’ll attract and what success may come your way, so what is it that keeps you determined in such a broad and still growing art field? JVD: A lot of what initially pushed us into the genre of audio drama was our frustration with trying to publish our fiction and produce theatrical work. It’s really difficult to do either of those things and what I love about podcasting is that you can just do something independently. 

It takes time, it takes work, it takes hours scheduling and recording and producing, but you’re able to make something complex and beautiful on your own and with the help of your friends. It’s more collaborative and hands-on than writing a story, and there’s more evolution in story than a produced play. And in either case, you have time to build an audience. 

Neither of us had dreams of producing the next podcast smash when we made Season 1. We just wanted to get our writing and stories into as many heads as possible. We’re actually blown away with how much Greater Boston has taken off. That’s not to say we’re some kind of runaway podcast smash, but it thrills us so much to know we have an audience. A small audience, but a dedicated one. That’s so huge to us. It’s a tremendous responsibility, in some ways. We don’t want to disappoint people. 

We don’t want to let anyone down. But it’s also thrilling and pushes us into wanting to make our show even better, with each new episode and season we write and produce. We also have to credit how nurturing and supportive the entire audio drama community is. It’s one of the best artistic communities I’ve ever encountered and it feels incredibly exciting to be a part of it, right now especially. I think in many ways, we feel really lucky that the show came out when it did, because we were among a lot of other fantastic audio dramas being released shortly before or after we kicked off. I think we’ve both longed to be in a community like this, where we can pop into each others shows or help record something for each other or even write something for another show. 

There’s something so rewarding about that to me. It’s the type of creative situation I’ve looked for my whole life.

AD: And the fact that audio drama is still a growing, developing field only makes being a part of it more exciting. Right now, it’s possible to jump in, and right away have your voice heard, and even feel like you’re influencing the direction the form is heading. The whole experience has been creatively invigorating.

It’s always these creative duos that give me some of the best answers. Hopefully you feel as warm and fuzzy as I do after that interview and are eager to check out Greater Boston for yourself. Thank you all for joining me for tea…now get the fuck off my Red Line.

[luminisvii]

So it’s pretty late right now and I’m liberally using the Bold function, but let’s talk about bad fanfiction.

Usually the first thing that springs to mind when it comes to bad fanfiction is My Immortal. Anyone who’s talked to me for more than five minutes knows that My Immortal is undoubtedly one of my favorite pieces of literature. And that’s not a joke, I think it’s an absolute masterpiece of bad. The misspellings, the reworkings of the characters to be goth/scene in an incredibly middle school way, to Marty McFly’s cameo to the chapter written by a self proclaimed troll--It’s a perfect storm of bad literature that makes for a hilarious read. I won’t get into a huge tangent but what makes My Immortal so funny is it has a certain level of naturalness to its writing where you’re never quite sure how serious the author is. The true joke is the mystery. We’ll never know who wrote the infamous fic and how serious they were when they did.

However, My Immortal is kind of scratching the surface. See, that’s a fic that’s actually funny bad. Most bad fanfiction is bad bad. Today, I intend to discuss the lesser known fanfic that I rank as being one of the most difficult reading experiences I ever had, and I only successfully pulled through after many years thanks to the love and support of my friends and us reading it out loud at 4 AM.

That fanfic is known as My Inner Life. Don’t let the title fool you, it was written well before our favorite goff showcase and it’s honestly a whole lot worse. This Legend of Zelda fic, written by one Jen and based on her dreams, features a young lady named Jenna who is a simple merchant traveling in Hyrule when one Link catches her eye and it goes downhill from there. The short version is that there’s a lot of overly dramatic sex, tedious clothes descriptions that include too many triforces, poor treatment of horses, Jenna getting praised and lavished with attention for no reason, and no research put into the lore.  After a while it straight up forgets about being an Ocarina of Time fanfic and launches off into some nonsense about griffins and an evil lord I can’t actually remember the name of (It was very late and I was very tired so I called him Lord Asshole after a while, it has the same effect) and also that The Griffins, who live just beyond the Black Mountains, do not trust easily.

If you wish to read it, you should probably quit now, but if you are too weak (which is honestly understandable) here’s my recounting of the story.

Where to start is a little bit hard, but a good place is the insane 2,000 word author’s note at the beginning. Jen, seemingly unaware of how thin skinned she’s being, goes on about how anyone who leaves her a negative review is being is immature and thin-skinned. Here’s a delightful excerpt that shows the author’s view on all of this!

“Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.”

She spends quite a bit of time talking about how reviewers need to be more mature as she dedicates that much time to complaining about negative reviews and methodically rebuking everything they say from her poor grammar to Jenna being a Mary Sue. Now, props to the author for straight up saying that Jenna is the obvious author avatar that she is--Jenna is simply the dream persona of Jen, which okay, fine, that is not that bad. It’s what happens with Jenna that really makes me want to drink.

The other majorly telling factor is the first line of the story itself.

“Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.”

You may have noticed a redundancy there. That is only the beginning. If you get tired of hearing about the same things repeatedly, you will be VERY tired very quickly in here. Jen likes to constantly explain things to the point where she has footnotes in the story, and just after citing a footnote she explains what was cited in text anyway so now you have a double explanation.

“A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.”

I love quoting that. I’m also not sleeping so I guess I don’t know the meaning of true love.

Anything beyond this point is where I start to die because I actually grew up playing Ocarina of Time and I’m quite well versed in its lore, so if you are too this is going to be about as pleasant as root canal.

Since me recounting everything in detail means we’d be here into the next year, I’m going to try to boil this down to its essence. TL;DR: Jenna meets Link and they fuck. Badly. A month later and they’re getting married so they can fuck more. This whole time you have King Hyrule who is treating a random merchant off the street better than Zelda, the Sages are just inexplicably back despite now residing in the Sacred Realm. Zelda also inherently gives up the throne because she will not marry and thus is no longer in the line of succession but this random guy from Kokiri Forest who married a random merchant is! Ruto is turned into a jealous harpy and the other sages hardly appear at all.

After they get married they go to the part where I quit the first time I started reading this fic which was the Bonding Ceremony. If getting married to a guy you met a month ago wasn’t enough, going to a monastery and getting telepathically bonded by drinking his piss sure is. Okay, it’s not JUST the piss drinking, but that was enough to make poor 2014 me stop trying and go lie down. They also fuck in front of the monks because that’s a thing straight people do, I guess.

Somewhere in there Jenna gets pregnant and has a child. She names the child Link Jr. I don’t have anything to say about that, I think it’s comedy in itself. On top of that Epona also gets pregnant so they get new horses named Midnight Star and Star Dancer. That’s not an important detail at all, my friend simply hates those horse names and I’m bringing them up on the off chance that she reads this.

Oh yeah, Dark Link is an antagonist at one point and he inexplicably talks exactly like a stereotypical villain and ties Link and Jenna up in a room and leaves them there for no reason like a small time crook leaving Batman in a cage with all his gizmos nearby. And turns out Jenna has magical powers and is from some ancient race of super people or whatever. They have to explain this over and over again in the same few paragraphs and I want to die.

Beyond all the bad sex that has tiger metaphors (Somehow Jen knows how tigers fuck) there’s the Original Material which had me crying more than the tragedy that was the remain of OoT’s story. Once we get tired of Link and Jenna’s love story and Tiger Sex, there’s suddenly an invasion from Lord Ariakas who is threatening the Griffins who live beyond the Black Mountains, just a day’s ride from Hyrule. He’s just some evil guy who threatens the Griffins, who do not trust easily, and who live near The Black Mountains. If you think redundancy is painful then prepare for the worst redundancy you’ve seen yet. I went insane when we were reading this and tallied all the times The Black Mountains are mentioned and turns out it was a whole lot less than I thought, but almost all of them happened in a short amount of time so it felt like an eternity of explaining The Black Fucking Mountains. Turns out I’m a masochist of sorts because this STILL didn’t shake me off. In order to repel Lord Arakias’ forces, Link and Jenna need to talk to the Griffins who like to make a big deal about how they don’t trust anyone as they instantly trust Jenna and let her into their royal court to give her support and magical gifts. It’s kind of incredible how Jenna does nothing and is constantly rewarded for it.

Sadly this ends in a cliffhanger, like all good terrible fanfics. But that’s a semi-coherent retelling of the actual plot. It takes way too long to explain any of these plot points in story. Characters constantly repeat themselves, there’s a bunch of small plot points I left out because we’d REALLY be here all year if we talked about this, there’s the original material where I have to give credit that she went and did this BUT ALSO DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MANY TIMES WHAT THE BLACK FUCKING MOUNTAINS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I’m not okay. Time for some deeper analysis of particularly notable parts.

The sex scenes are sadly some of the less entertaining sections. They’re pretty boring for the most part, but then you have shit like “I turned tigress” and my personal favorite, “when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.” That exact sentence shows up TWICE in the fic, same wording and everything. Remember this, ladies, next time you have sex with a man, caress his nut sack. It’ll be his undoing. It’s not just the silly wording, though, there’s some stupid stuff in there too about how having sex makes your children stronger and also exactly how much fluid Jenna is ejecting which is a little bit alarming to say the least. Otherwise they’re a bit bland and use the same flowery language that you’d expect from poorly written erotica. Also they fuck in front of a bunch of monks. It’s for the bonding.

If you’re into LoZ lore then you’re going to have a bad time, too. My favorite thing is showing people the segment where Jenna explains how the OoT timeskip works because it makes zero sense to everyone, OoT fan or not. Let’s take a quick history lesson for OoT if you’re not familiar with it. In Ocarina of Time, a major plot point and element of gameplay is that Link travels between past and future in a seven year gap. From Link’s point of view, the change is instantaneous, right down to the fact that his age changes from child to adult and vice versa. To everyone else, they’re living those seven years. Time continues without Link there to observe it, and in Link’s absence Hyrule collapses. Thus is the plot--trying to stop Ganondorf from destroying the future with a power that Link and Zelda accidentally gave him. The point is all Non-Link people experience time normally, and the world moves on.

Somehow Jenna missed something that I inherently understood when I was a wee child of 8, barely able to play Ocarina of Time due to poor reading comprehension and lack of Zelda Puzzle Solving Skills™.

“Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.  It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world.”

I’m not sure I really understand still. I’ve read this so many times trying to comprehend and maybe I’m just stupid but this doesn’t scan. But when you time travel it should affect the whole world or else that’d be pretty fucked. Back To The Future would be pretty wack if only Hill Valley was sent back to the 50s but everywhere else was still 80s.

God, I spent too much time on this. It still hurts my brain.

I also just have to have a section where I metaphorically hand Zelda a box of chocolates and a check for 5,000 dollars for even being in this mess. The real MVP of the story is Zelda for tolerating all this bullshit. She has to watch her father treat Jenna better than her, she gives Jenna a bracelet from her mother who is dead for Jenna’s wedding, she has to passively accept that because she isn’t married she’s lost her claim to the throne and it’s being handed over to Link and Jenna because despite both of them being nobodies they’re more legitimate heirs to the throne than the king’s own daughter. She also has to be the one to help Jenna birth her baby and it’s maybe a little bit weird to have the princess of a nation be your personal midwife. Even if she is your so called best friend. Were I ever in the circumstances of giving birth, I wouldn’t make my friends help. Please get an actual nurse. Also for some reason Jenna won’t stop calling her baby a miracle and it’s done so frequently it’s a little off-putting. Even the chapter where the child is born is called “The Miracle” like idk I know life is mysterious and miraculous but I’m not sure giving birth, something a lot of cis woman can do, is a “miracle.” Me not sobbing while reading this is a miracle. Zelda, honey, you deserve so much better.

I’m running out of things that will actually last a paragraph or so tangent wise, so time to wrap things up with smaller notes:

-Jenna thinks that you boot horses in the knees to get them moving. You are probably not riding a horse right if you can kick it in the knees while sitting on its back. That’s not even getting into other horse related mishaps like the fact that kneecapping them isn’t a good idea either.

-Link Jr. is capable of math at like, four months or something. I wish I was that talented.

-Ruto is my wife and I will not stand for this slander against her. Yeah, call me a fish fucker if you want, Sidon is cute too don’t @ me

-Take a shot every time Jenna mentions triforces on her outfit (actually don’t)

-Jenna makes a big deal about how Link has to go off to war and how she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her and it’s all very emotional but he’s back literally the next chapter

-One of my favorite moments is Mido rightfully pointing out that Jenna isn’t a Kokiri and thus has no right to receive a fairy but everyone thinks he’s being super rude for actually having common sense. They barely gave LINK a fairy and he grew up there!

-I inflicted this on my friends and it went as well as you’d think it would. Quote supplied by Jen who is not THAT Jen but a far superior one

-Somewhere in the fic suddenly Link and Zelda’s eyes are capable of changing color based on mood, or maybe they could do this the whole time and my eyes were changing based on mood alright, they were glazing over and I missed it

-Jen always types “threw” instead of “through” and it’s just enough to throw me off every time. Also every time a character starts a new sentence she starts another set of quotations even if they were already talking and occasionally she misspells “huge” as “hugh” which leads to some hilarious circumstances

-THEY DRANK EACH OTHER’S PISS

-Apparently when you are telepathically bonded with your Husband/Wife you aren’t allowed to be in a room with someone of the opposite sex AT ALL. Personally I think that reeks of insecurity

-Also because a good pal loses her shit every time we mention it, Jen couldn’t come up with a marriage ceremony that wasn’t just a christian one for a universe where christianity doesn’t exist, but she sure likes to put world building into those DAMN GRIFFINS

All in All? My Inner Life is not for the weak willed. It is INCREDIBLY long and redundant and while it’s still pretty funny, it’s mostly plain terrible. I consider is a much better showcase of what bad fanfiction is actually like, and also since it’s of a more standard awful, it means people can’t badly parody it while missing the point as to why it’s funny. So at least there will only be one My Inner Life and no imitators.

Seriously, I hate My Immortal imitators. Write your own terrible fanfiction, damn you! If I had a shot for every time a fanfic was compared to My Immortal I would be dead six years ago. Getting compared to MI is not a good thing, but not for the reasons you’d think. At least My Inner Life only shares the basic premise of a self insert character and the rest is a ride of complete bullshit that’s par the course for terrible Mary Sue fiction. Everyone loves Jenna for no reason and those who voice the valid concerns against her are seen as unreasonable and stupid. Characters are bent backwards to serve the threadbare plot and apparently Jenna’s love life alone is enough to constitute half of the story before we just plain forget it’s a Legend of Zelda fanfic and it goes off into some generic high fantasy horse crap with dragons and Griffins and some evil guy like what even is his name and it all ends without any real closure.

However if you are strong enough or maybe just a masochist (me) I highly recommend this fic for just being a test of endurance and also for all the funny little moments sprinkled throughout. It’ll certainly be a waste of time and it’s a good thing to read with friends. While it’s an oldie, it’s a goodie, and no one comes out unscathed.

Also the author apparently is a good sport about it now, although who knows. It’s just a thing I heard. While I like making fun of Jen throughout reading the fic, she doesn’t seem awful. Just perhaps young and unaware.

Truly, the real treasure was the piss we drank along the way. I’m sorry I will never be over that