#i love lying to myself abt drawing challenges

[moonjuiicee]

“i’m hoping to do all of the mayblade days” wow i lied right out of my ass 😭😭

my semester is ending and it hit like a truck oh my god. maybe i’ll play catch up, maybe not…i’ll probably replace days i don’t have ideas for with the days i missed lol

[eijiroukiriot]

After Months of saying i would i’m finally posting about my Kiribaku playlist! I’ve linked it before but I’ve never really gone into what the songs mean to me and how I see them in relation to the boys, and I think the explanations puts things into perspective, so I typed it all out!

This is my main krbk playlist - I also have playlists for Bakugou and Kirishima separately - and this focuses mostly on happier songs (and a few that are so ingrained into how I see them that I had to put them in anyway). I also have an angst-themed krbk playlist and post-breakup playlists for each of them! Really I just. love music and love seeing characters I like in it so this is fun for me 

Spotify Link

song descriptions under the cut!

i typed up all of this after 1 a.m. last night so not only is it very long it’s also somewhat incoherent but these songs mean a lot to me so if you’re down to read it then thank you!!

note: a few of these songs aren’t available on spotify at the moment but they’re so crucial to the Vibe that i’ve still included them here!

i. I Always Knew - The Vaccines

“So let’s go to bed, before we say something real - 

Let’s go to bed, before we say how we feel” 

-this is my Ultimate krbk song, man. the first time i heard it i was walking to class and i just had to stop on the sidewalk and take a Big deep breath. everything abt the lyrics fits them so well - i’ve talked about this before but the verses and prechoruses really capture that “being young and stupid and tiptoeing around your emotions” feeling, then the chorus hits and it just SOARS, and really, has there ever been a sentiment that fits them more than “it’s always been you” 

ii. Fly Me to the Moon/Lucky - Rick Hale

“Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore - 

Tell me I’m the lucky one you worship and adore” 

-I have an extreme soft spot for these boys and love songs. and this has been a part of my fic writing playlists for so long that it always makes me think of them. I don’t even have a lot to say by way of lyrics, this is a full atmosphere pick 

iii. If My Heart Was A House - Owl City

“Circle me and the needle moves gracefully back and forth -

If my heart was a compass, you’d be north” 

-boy if this song doesn’t make me think of bkg every time!! it’s the transition from the prechorus into the chorus that gets me - it starts so quiet, like there’s so much love inside of you that you’re still trying to keep down, and then the “bombs away” is the moment when you decide to stop running and just embrace it, and the chorus comes in so loud and strong and so thoroughly in love. call me a sap (spoilers: i do that myself multiple times here) but it really does remind me of what it must be like when bkg just...decides to let himself have this. and then i feel dumb bc this is about anime boys who are like not in love in canon at all but inside the intricate Kiribaku Canon i have built in my head oh yeah this is how bkg falls in love

iv. Knock Three Times - Tony Orlando

“One floor below me, you don’t even know me - I love you” 

-this is just the prime soundtrack for a college AU where kirishima’s dorm is right above bkg’s and he’s in Love with him. And Also, something about the bold retro vibe makes me think of kirishima, but that almost certainly a me thing! still a big bop though 

v. Intergalactic Disco - Interlunium

“So, with stars in our eyes, let’s fly through the glowing galaxies” 

-again, a big sappy atmosphere pick! i really do love the imagery in this one and the storyline of playing things off as just having a good time until it turns out the other person is as deeply in love as you are. it really is just That Song! please stan interlunium

vi. Animal - Neon Trees

“Here we go again, I kinda wanna be more than friends” 

-the ENERGY in this song!! the loud, highkey, driving beat! the vibes of being young and stupid and stumbling through having feelings for someone equally as inexperienced with love as you are! and yet the fact that we KNOW both of them would run full-force with it once they realize they both want it! the lyrics to this one do get a bit spicy but it’s really the high school crush energy in this one that gets me 

vii. If You Wanna - The Vaccines

“I don't want to do things independently, but I can't make you stay -

That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say...but if you wanna come back it's alright”

-the ENERGY in this SONG!!!! the electric guitar and the chorus so long you think he’ll run out of breath! bkg getting so fed up with being so close to kirishima’s face and not being able to kiss it that he takes the dive and goes for it and then goes to run away until kirishima yells WAIT- IF YOU WANNA COME BACK IT’S ALRIGHT!!!

viii. No One Like You - Best Coast

“Been around this crazy world, but I still wanna be your girl - 

Cause there’s no one like you.” 

-I feel like...if krbk had a cheesy high school romcom, and everything led up to a big dance at the end, and at the very end the camera panned out as they finally caved into each other and went onto the floor to do that slow dance, this would be the song. This is their slow dance 

-seriously like 70% of the lyrics to this song are “there’s no one like you” which is really, once again, just the Pinnacle of krbk 

ix. Idfc - Blackbear

“'Cause I have hella feelings for you -

I act like I don't fucking care, 'cause I'm so fucking scared” 

-the bkg energy in this song...the self doubt and the pining but the deep-seated belief that you don’t deserve this, even though you’re so close, even though he keeps telling you he loves you- but how could he, he has to be lying, and why would you even care, you don’t care about people like this- you never have, until now...oh this song is just DRIPPING in it

x. My Best Friend’s Hot - The Dollyrots

“Won’t you apologize to me, to me, to me? For being such a tease, a tease, a tease” 

-it’s a song about being pissed at your oblivious hot best friend who you have a huge crush on! they might as well have credited the lyrics to bakugou katsuki 

xi. Stay by My Side - Twice

“I can’t hold it back anymore - 

I can’t even believe how much I love you” 

-it’s Cheesy Romance! it’s cheesy romance that’s all this is!!! this one is pure michigan cheese!!!!! 

xii. Love Line - Twice

“With you by my side, I wanna take a shot, take a walk on the love line” 

-again this is a very me pick! this one’s been sitting around on my writing playlists for a long time and i’ve come to really associate it w these Boys. the member who wrote the lyrics has said it was about her first crush and it’s generally about just. being So enamored with someone you can’t stop thinking about them. and i’m a big sap so you know where that goes 

xiii. Maybe (Luck of the Draw) - The Vaccines

“There’s nobody else like you, there’s nobody else like you -

And if there’s nobody else like you, then maybe I want to spend my life with you” 

-this one always sounds to me like krbk growing up, spending late nights both awake in the dimly-lit kitchen of their second apartment, watching the hours tick by on the microwave clock as they just talk and argue and make each other laugh and slowly realizing that this is by no means perfect but there’s no one else they’d rather keep getting old with...i feel like this is another end credits song for them, you know? 

xiv. I’m Totally Obsessed with Him - Matt Fishel

“He’s in my heart, he’s in my lungs - he’s in everything that I touch” 

-matt fishel deserves SO much more than he gets i mean LISTEN to this huge campy gay anthem about being just extremely an unapologetically in love with your big gay boyfriend!!!! i feel bad making pride anthems like this about anime boys but i’m also gay and i’m here to say that the absolute SCALE of this - the explosion of electricity and infatuation and campy guitar in the chorus - this one has BIG kirishima energy. words can’t do it justice just please please listen to this one 

xv. Slayers - Matt Fishel (again lol) 

“We’re in this together, you and I -

Hand in hand, side by side, unbreakable” 

-It’s a song about being in love with someone who you see as your total partner, you rely on each other and protect each other and you’re with each other through everything, and it’s written through the lens of a fantasy story - this one always, always makes me think of the two of them in the fantasy AU, sworn partners for life, able to rise above any challenges in their path, flying into the sunset together after a long day of adventures, so happy that it seems to make the world spin 

-this really may be the most krbk song i’ve ever heard so please listen to it, 

-i played it for my krbk friend once and when he said unbreakable they started screaming

xvi. Hooked On a Feeling - Blue Swede

“I’m high on believing you’re in love with me -

I said, I’m hooked on a FEELING!!!!!”

-picture this: class A crammed into a karaoke room for a party, kirishima standing up in front of the scream and screaming “THIS ONE’S FOR YOU BKG” and belting out the entire thing, slightly off pitch but FULL of spirit, every time ‘girl’ comes up in the lyrics he sings ‘bakugou’ really really fast (‘I CAN’T STOP THIS FEELING, deep inSIIIde of me, bakugouyoujust don’t reallize!!! what you do to me!!!!”) and everyone is whooping and hollering along except bkg who gets so red that nobody can tell if it’s angry embarrassment or in love god just so in love embarrassment 

-it’s hooked on a feeling it has such loud kirishima energy do i have to explain myself here

xvii. Everyday I Love You - ViVi (Loona) 

“If only you liked me - if only you loved me

Like a fool, I think only of you” 

-note 1: stan loona

-note 2: this song is just such a sweet picture of pining!! imagining the stolen glances and ‘hopeless’ crush feeling when (in some AU where they both have. less emotional hangups the first time they meet) they first meet,, i can’t explain it for this one even it just makes me so soft 

xviii. Crush - Weki Meki

“This feeling- like I’m losing, it’s hurting my pride

But I can’t help it, I’m so curious that I’m going crazy” 

-i’m sure you can tell by now that i. Really like kpop but the first time i read the lyrics to this one i lost it! there are really too many lyrics than i can fit here that remind me of how bkg sees kirishima when he first realizes it’s really a crush that’s making him act like this - i really recommend that you take a look at the translation for this one!! it really has it all - being mad at your crush for how they make your heart pound, feeling like it’s hurting your pride, “it’s not like me to be circling around you like this, i’m gonna make a move”, the line about how “i’ll be better to you than anyone else” - seriously, i cannot exaggerate the bkg energy in these lyrics 

xix. Kimi Janakya Dame Mitai - Masayoshi Ohishi

“I want to get to know you more and more - but that kind of line doesn’t really fit me” 

-aaaand here’s a song that radiates EXTREME Kirishima Energy!! everything from the vibrant guitar to the big belted chorus to the lyrics about being, like, confused but absolutely buzzing and just wanting to be with them - it’s loud and bright and awkward but THRILLED about every part of it!!

-it, of course, helps that the title essentially means “it’s gotta be you” 

xx. I Do Adore - Mindy Gledhill

“Everything you do - it sends me higher than the moon” 

-like….is there a more classic song to associate with your favorite stupid pining high schoolers ship 

-don’t get me wrong i KNOW this one is cliche and i KNOW there’s other ships this fits better but i’m soft don’t @ me 

xxi. Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You - Frankie Valli

-legally this song is only Half in the playlist bc spotify likes taking it down and putting it back up at random but after writing fly me i can’t NOT think abt krbk when i hear it. i have no further justification 

-also imagine kirishima being loud and embarrassing and singing this song to bkg all the time

xxii. Television/So Far So Good - Rex Orange County 

“I don't know, no, I don't know what you like,

But if you're looking for something new, I know somebody that you could choose: 

What about me?” 

-what about MEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEe 

-i think it’s that driving guitar rhythm that makes this one for me. it just sounds so...ready to take on this weird new feeling of knowing how perfectly things could go with someone if you both just took the jump. it sounds very kirishima. 

-the content does start changing as it keeps going but those first few minutes and the RAP VERSE really have such bubbly dumb teenage ‘it’s our first time feeling like this and it might be a little too serious for us but why don’t we take the leap i’m sure it’ll be worth it’ vibes. it really feels like the first “what about me???” in the chorus should be accompanied by kirishima sprinting up to bkg and lifting him up and kissing him because he’s so caught up in this feeling

xxiii. Sweet Talk - Saint Motel

“When you laugh, I forget that it’s about me 

But it’s alright - cause being your punchline still is something” 

-we all know this is a krbk song, everyone knows it’s a krbk song, my non-bnha friend who I annoy constantly w krbk stuff knows this is a krbk song, honestly do I even have to explain why? it contains the line “you could yell ‘piss off, won’t you stay away’ - it’d still be sweet talk to my ears” and we All know how whipped kirishima already is 

xxiv. Into The Storm - Banners

“Through night and dark, through fantasies that fall apart,

Know you're always in my heart, anywhere you go” 

-Unconditional love! Working through the hard times together! and knowing these two, there have been & will be no shortage of hard times to work through. it’s that loyalty and devotion that makes this one. 

xxv. Talk Too Much - COIN

“Stay cool, it’s just a kiss - so, why you gotta be so talkative?” 

-when it comes down to it bkg and kirishima are two idiot 16 year olds who have never been in love before so you know they’re gonna stumble a lot when they first get together. i don’t know how to explain it but i think this really captures that

-also i feel like this is a pretty staple krbk song! i see it on so many playlists

xxvi. If I Tremble - Front Porch Step

“And if I tremble at the sight of you, it’s not because I’m cold -

It’s because I’m staring at the girl I want to love me when I’m old” 

-that idea of the kind of love you want to last forever, knowing the person you want to grow old with...I honestly don’t like this one for them that much anymore but it Did make me cry the first time I thought about it so it gets to stay. tbh when I’m soft enough it still gets me 

xxvii. Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

“You’re the only one worth seeing, the only place worth being -

The only bed worth sleeping is the one right next to you” 

-Saint Motel is just krbk culture at this point, this is another staple krbk song. I mean, the core theme is “I know I’m an asshole but I love you more than anyone” - come ON

xxviii. Wonderful Things - Ryan Corn

“So you say you wanna grab hold - well to hold, you’ve gotta let go

Of the only way you may have ever known” 

-is this song about god? maybe. is it about krbk? Oh absolutely 

-the themes of not knowing what you’d do without the other person in your life, and looking back on the person you were able to become because of them, and that lyric up there always makes me think of Kamino - it’s just all around got the themes and I’m very soft about that

xxix. Bad Enough For You - All Time Low 

“You love to hate me when I'm chasing you, 

And I hate to say this, but I'm stuck on loving you” 

-Okay this is totally 12-year-old me talking here but hear me out: Bakugou being convinced Kirishima could never like him more than this weird half-flirting thing they’ve come to and also being scared that he’d never be good enough for him, but him as he is now is letting them HAVE this half-flirting thing, so...he keeps it up, even though he wishes he could be the one to treat him how he deserves to be treated, but there’s no way he could be Kirishima’s boyfriend anyway so what’s the point in caring (but kirishima loved him the WHOLE TIME!!! they sort things out before long lol)

-also they’re both 16 and emo so. 

xxx. Instead of My Room - Charlie Burg 

“Can't we just put on Ramones? And we'll drive

And I'll kiss you, in my car, instead of my room” 

-if kirishima wrote songs with kaminari and sero during high school, i think they’d sound like this

-the lyrics to this one are just so Fun! it’s goofy and jokey and just having a good time! i can’t make the lyrics line up as much as i’d like them to but it really just sounds like them to me 

xxxi. I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith 

“I don’t wanna close my eyes -

I don’t wanna fall asleep, cause I’d miss you, babe” 

-i have exactly 2 krbk moods and one is “they are stupid. 16 and loud and just so dumb” and the other is “this is Love love, they’re gonna live off this forever” 

-kirishima looking over at bkg fast asleep the night after their wedding and feeling so wholly in love that he cries 

xxxii. Stutter - Marianas Trench

“So here I am - you can take or leave me,

But I won't ever be anywhere but here” 

-If krbk starred in a mid-2000s battle of the bands romcom with a car chase scene this is the song that would play in the trailer (I KNOW that’s crazy specific but that’s the image I always get when I hear this) 

xxxiii. Must Have Done Something Right - Reliant K 

“If anyone could make me a better person, you could -

All I gotta say is I must have done something good” 

-i feel like i’m 13 when i hear this song but it’s really really Them

-really i think the thing that keeps me so invested in krbk is that they’re so involved with each other’s character arcs - they’re constantly making each other better people, each of them is like a missing piece for the other, and they’re both so wrapped up in their own shortcomings that they barely even realize how big of an impact they’re having on the other. but really they would never be the same if they hadn’t met. and that’s the entirety of this song’s content

xxxiv. Deer in the Headlights - Owl City 

“Tell me again, was it love at first sight

When I walked by and you caught my eye?” 

-there is literally nothing in the lyrics that makes me think of them. this one is 100% for the vibe. and also kinda the lyrics in the chorus. like, being taken aback by how suddenly everything is happening but in a very excited and enthusiastic way. things don’t go Smoothly when they confess, persay, but oh man is it memorable (and loud and sweaty and hoarse-throated but never, ever sad) 

xxxv. On and On (About You) - Bowling For Soup 

“Now you can scream about the little things, slap me twice across the face,

Man it would be great if I could buy you flowers every day” 

-this is really middle school me speaking here BUT: 

-krbk don’t exactly work out in high school and end with some big fight but with time they both realize they were wrong and when they finally meet again at a class reunion they both wanna get back together but they’re still arguing and shooting quick remarks at each other but the whole time they’re thinking “man, if i could, i’d buy you flowers every day” 

xxxvi. Mamma Mia - ABBA

-it’s mamma mia. it’s just mamma mia

-it’s also kirishima’s inner monologue every time he thinks he’s finally kicked his crush on bkg and then he sees him for 0.1 seconds and falls right back in 

xxxvii. I Dare You - The Regrettes

“I can't seem to sleep, and I feel my pulse beating

I wanna keep all my control, but you're the one that brings the sun” 

-maybe it just reminds me of the music video song in quote love unquote but the second i heard this song i was like oh yeah that’s kiribaku

-the idea of trying to catch yourself as you feel yourself falling but also choosing to make the jump in the first place! the idea that you’re taking a big chance but things are so much better together that you’re not scared! you’re even pushing yourself forward! it’s truly for them 

xxxviii. I Want to Hold Your Hand - the version from Yesterday

-like, fuck the beatles but it’s a song about hand holding. come on 

xxxix. Love At First Sight - The Brobecks

“Turn the lights off, I’m in love” 

-that lyric has happened in canon. that lyric is the context of why bkg went to bed at 8:32 pm that one time 

-it’s such a sweet mix of being scared about falling in love but also...feeling like the world just got a little brighter, and kinda letting yourself sink into it in reluctant acceptance because it just feels so good? kinda hitting the same notes as If My Heart Was A House. idk the first time i heard this i thought abt the girl i have a crush on so i was like “nope. nope. refocus this to krbk” 

xxxx. Holliday - The Weekend Run Club 

“I'd never been so soaked before

I was drenched in your arms, dancing in your downpour” 

-this was on my discover weekly last week and I put it on here without thinking about it and now I”m really listening to it for the first time and. wow. Wow. 

-you know the scenario i’ve been bringing up this whole time of taking a leap into something awkward and electric that makes you happier than you could imagine? that’s the energy i’m getting from this

-just imagining krbk being out on their first date and it starts pouring so they duck inside and they’re like “well...should we just go back?” and then realize it’s so much more like them to run out into the downpour and get soaked and kirishima’s losing his mind laughing and bkg’s like “what are you so happy about idiot” and kirishima’s just like “i don’t know. i just really like this. i just really like you” and then they’re both kinda floating on air

[thebrightsessions]

Abt you not confirming any characters as poc: It feels a little performative. Like you go on and on abt how important representation is but you leave poc out in the cold. And this isn't even addressed in a way that makes it seem like you care or have thought abt it. I'm not trying to be rude, but it's a little (a lot) upsetting

I’m really sorry that it seems like I don’t care or that I don’t think about it - I do care and I spend a lot of time thinking about this exact subject. But, like 98% of my thinking, I tend to keep it to myself or conversations with close friends and collaborators. The internet is not always the best place to learn and grow. I even debated answering this ask publicly (or at all - as you guys know, there’s about 900 unanswered asks in here) because I’m always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, but I want to be transparent about this kind of stuff so that I can learn how to be better. 

This is a long post because I want to be as blunt and thorough as possible, so the rest under the cut. 

Representation is important but by talking about how I think representation is important, I in no way want to suggest that I am perfect or comprehensive with representation in my own work. I apologize if it’s ever come off that way - that is not my intention. I’m still learning and growing all the time - as is the greater population and wider entertainment world - and this inevitably means that I’m going to make mistakes or be behind the times or have major blind spots. I try to stay aware of my blind spots and listen to people around me who are smarter and better, but that doesn’t mean I can instantly course correct. 

When I first started The Bright Sessions, never mentioning anyone’s appearance in the show was a specific intention. I wanted our listeners to be able to imagine whatever they’d like to imagine and, selfishly, I was excited to see different interpretations in fanart, should we be lucky enough to have people drawing our characters. I naively thought that was unequivocally a good thing. After all, I loved imagining my own personal versions of the characters in books I read or podcasts I listened to - isn’t that the benefit of having no visual reference? I realize now how short-sighted that was. I still do think there’s beauty in having a completely open sandbox when it comes to visuals, but I also know better now that concrete representation is vital. 

Since then, I’ve been grappling with different questions. If I were to confirm someone’s race, would I be taking away something from someone? What’s the balance of having concrete, meaningful representation versus leaving doors open for listeners to make characters their own? I didn’t think about race in casting - perhaps another naive choice - so in making any races canon, would I have to recast? Limit the character’s race to the actor’s race? Are the rules different in voice acting? 

And, were I to make something canon, how would I do so within the podcast? This might seems like a lazy, cop-out question to ask myself, but it is something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. Certain characters have voiced their sexuality out loud because sexuality is something you can’t see, but it might feel awkward or shoe-horned in to have a character identify their own or someone else’s race out loud. In TV and film, the representation is there because you can see it - it isn’t being told to you. But of course, people do talk about their own experiences as a POC in real life, but that would mean writing a conversation specifically about the POC experience, which I feel isn’t my place to write. So, then, ideally I’d hire a POC writer, except I only recently started getting paid for writing this show myself and the last thing I want to do is cash in on someone’s experience and talents and then not pay them. That seems like the way worse option. 

Now, you might ask, “why not just confirm it on here or somewhere else online?”. Because it’s one thing for me to answer questions about a character’s favorite food or birthdays, but in my opinion, something as important as racial representation only counts if it’s actually in canon. I’ve confirmed some things that are heavily suggested in the podcast, but I’ve tended not to give answers about things like sexuality and race because until those things appear in the show, I have no right to claim them publicly for my characters. That’s how I feel right now but, as with all of this, my feelings may evolve. 

(sidebar: I did confirm Chloe’s panromanticism on tumblr before getting to it in the show, but she was already out as ace and I had a pretty decent idea that we were going to talk about her exes down the line)

So those have been some of the many thoughts that have been running through my head the past two and a half years and I still don’t have perfect answers for them. They are not at all meant to be excuses - I’ve been fairly upfront about the fact that my two big blind spots as a writer are gender and race representation. I know. That doesn’t mean I know how to be better. To be totally honest, I’m pretty scared to tackle those subjects as a white cis writer. I feel more surefooted writing queer characters - even ones with a different identity than my own - and male characters - even though I’m a woman - because men have been represented plenty in media. But when there’s already such a dearth of good POC representation (and the spectrum of gender representation) it feels like a much weightier thing to take on. But that should in no way stop me. Just because I fear identifying a character’s race in an audio format might lead to clunky dialogue, doesn’t mean it has to sound exposition-y and awkward. If I want to be a good writer, I need to find ways to write meaningful representation in multiple mediums, without sacrificing smoothness of writing. If representation is important to me in my work - which it is - I need to walk the walk and make sure that I’m considering what the breadth of representation actually means. 

(another sidebar because it always bears repeating: not everything can be everything for everyone. I get a lot of asks along the lines of “will you ever have a character who is x” and the reality is that I’m not running through a checklist of groups to represent in my work because I think that does lead to bad storytelling. That being said, if I want to challenge myself by telling new and diverse stories (diverse in the broadest sense of the word) and if I’m someone who believes that entertainment can be a force for positive change, I will do my best to widen the spectrum of the characters I’m writing. But: I am not at all obligated to do so. If a writer wants to tell the same story about the same people in 900 different ways for the rest of their life, they are allowed to do that. I wouldn’t want to do it - I personally believe that if you’re making something for potential mass consumption (as anything on the internet is), you’d ideally have good intentions that it would have a positive influence on the world. But the entertainment you consume does not have a responsibility to you. An artist is responsible for their art - if you make something and it has an affect on the world, negative or positive, you have to live with that. But as an audience member, I don’t think I’m owed anything by what I consume because I choose what I consume, and all the baggage that comes with it. If I waited for that piece of art that is perfect in representation and entirely unproblematic, I would be waiting quite literally for forever. Which brings me to my final point...) 

To be completely, brutally honest, there’s a trend on tumblr/the internet in general that I’ve seen grow exponentially in the past ten years that really worries me. And that is the constant tearing down of anything deemed even slightly problematic. I’ve grown so much as a human and artist in the past three years alone and I live in fear of making a mistake that will end my career and alienate my audience forever. It’s easy to get the impression from the internet that there is no room for growth. I would be lying if I said that wasn’t a factor in me steering away sometimes from things where the chances of me fucking up and courting hate are high. Again - not an excuse. I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what people on the internet think of me, I should stop being a coward and try things that are important to me, even if I do them badly on the first try. But I’m human and the truth is that strangers on the internet being mean to me actually really fucking hurts. And it especially hurts if I don’t even get a second try to do better. It is impossible and extremely dumb for me to wait for a time when I feel like I can tell certain stories without messing them up, but I think that’s an element of what I’ve been doing. That’s bad and weak-willed and I’m sorry. 

(final sidebar: this ask is not an example of the above. This isn’t a rude ask - you are well within your rights to be upset about this and as much as it stings to know I’ve disappointed listeners, it’s always good for me to know because that’s how I grow. I’m talking more about the hypothetical fear that I try to deliver on something that’s important to lots of people and fail and get a lot of means asks and then have a long cry about it.)

I don’t know if this sheds any light on my thought process or just muddies things further - I’m clearly still figuring things out. I think the main thing I’m trying to say is: I hear you and I know and I’m going to try and do better but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do things perfectly or even well. None of what I’ve said here makes up for the lack of representation or lets me off the hook, but I hope it gives you some insight into where I’m at now. The original run of TBS will unfortunately always be lacking in this regard - there’s nothing I can do to change that. But in projects moving forwards, I fully have the intention to highlight new voices and stories and perspectives. Especially now that I’m in more of a position to actually pay people. But I’m not going to sit here and promise you that I’ll satisfy you with my writing in the future. I have no idea if I will. I have no idea if I’ll even satisfy myself. All I ask, from you and all our listeners and my team and even myself, is that we continue being honest with each other and that we always, always leave room for growth. 

I’m sorry I’ve failed you, but I hope you’ll give me a chance to do better in the future. Stay strange. 

[survivorstorybookarendelle]

Episode 3 - Gain Some Numbers and Momentum! - Rhea

SO IM GONNA MAKE A CF ABOUT THIS BUT LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE REGAN IS A MESS AND ALTHO I LOVE HER TO DEATH WHAT THE FUCK after carson and sheas fight that turned into regan and carson and shea, regan and carson started FIGHTING with each other in this chat im in with them and amanda, and im like "this needs to die rn" and like yelled at them to like calm down and not fuck this up AND THEN REGAN STARTS PMING ME ABT HOW ANNOYED SHE IS BUT IM LIKE "believe me I KNOW" and so amanda and i are like "im fucking killing myself rn" and i got nehe to flip so REGAN BETTER NOT FUCK IT UP

Can you ask for a better tribe swap? Like come one Everyone who voted out shea but Amanda is on galu Falo That's an allaince waiting to happen Now I just need to bond with the other falo members like I did with Nevs and hope they are as easy as them to emotionally manipulate and take control of The only scary part is each tribe is now 4-4 nev and falo So I gotta hope my tribe is the physical type to stay out of tribal council Or I can easily by easy target as these asshats have no clue who I am Oh shit wait Ashley from hos is here. I mean we don't have any bond but I can easily form a bond with her I wasn't shady in HOS so she has no reason to think some type of way Sorry I talk so much I'm kinda not having good flashbacks. Last time I was in a survivor and we had a tribe swap and I was on a 4-4 tribe my ally got blindsided and then I was next.

Confessional #4- The swap was almost best case scenario for me. Rob is my closest ally. Luke was someone I brought into the alliance and Ashley is someone I've gotten quite close with on original Falo even though we're not aligned. Also after seeing how the votes went for Nevs last tribal where Carson got four votes. Maybe some of these people on this tribe were some of those votes for him. 

CONFESSIONAL

I'm honestly super super depressed over how the vote on the other tribe went out, I wanted it to go to rocks so that my two faves would be safe, but my Shea was voted out : ( I love him and carson and seeing them fight is sad for me.

There's a swap and I think i'm in a fairly good position, I have Carson and people that I think I can trust with me. I hope it works out well for me, but you never know

LMFAO IM DEAD I COMPLIMENTED RICKY AND HES A FLOP AT STORYBOOK BECAUSE I READ THE QUESTION WRONG whew im meredith being a catfish too huh Patricia Lintter: STEFFEN REALLY DID CRASH MY SKYPE WHILE I WAS TRYING TO REVOTE IN PI HUH

CONFESSIONAL

http://prntscr.com/eijdpc how ironic? Luke's best friend, ally, in a season he played with and he ALL CAPS his name and answers it first. I see you Luke :p I know you and Drew are like Bonnie and Clyde, going on calls and swapping idols together. Steffen probably knows all about it  END CONFESSIONAL

So, like, ugh.. we clearly lost this immunity challenge and it sort of blows. It's an instant tribal, and that really makes it worse. I am nervous about my spot in this game honestly speaking. I think that my days are numbered, and that pisses me off. I don't know what to do. Patricia suggested we sacrifice Amanda, and honestly, I'm okay with that. She's got numbers, and she's a powerful one. Her mist will kill you ALL, so people need to beware of that. I hope this plan works, so that I can gain some numbers and momentum!  I just want to be able to actually make it far in this game!!

well..... that last tribal council didn't go as i expected but i can't say that i'm SHOCKED't because i didn't really expect to be included in what was going on in the tribe since no one had really talked game with me and my excess exile time but at least it wasn't me?? nehe had said that everyone was doing carson and i was like okay cool whatever but then it was a 4-4-1 with shea, carson, and regan self voting so it was basically like regan was the tie breaker... and i know that 3 of the votes for carson were me, rhea, and shea but both patricia and nehe told me that they were going to vote for carson so one of them is a liar and i don't know which one it is..... my gut and read tells me that it was nehe that was lying i mean i could be wrong but i'm rarely ever wrong so bookmark this!! but regardless after the revote shea ended up going home so from the looks of the vote i was in a 5-3 minority on the tribe and things werent looking good but guess what binch there was a tribe swap where me, rhea, and patricia are on the same tribe and the only person from OG nevs that didn't vote with us is amanda who is the person i had the best relationship with out of the people who voted against shea so things are looking up 

remember when i just said things were looking up? well fuck me right i'm never going to be optimistic again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  we lost immunity and now only have less than 2 hours until tribal.... so right now its 4 original falo and 4 original nevs on this tribe  of the 4 OG nevs me rhea and patricia (i think) voted together at the last tribal so rhea and patricia want to vote out amanda because of that BUT i think thats the fucking stupidest thing i've literally ever heard of in my entire life because zach is joining our tribe from exile and he's an original falo so if we vote out amanda it will be me rhea and patricia on a tribe with 5 OG falo people like....... and patricia is saying that meredith will flip to our side next round if we vote off amanda tonight but why the FUCK would meredith flip next week if it would make it 4-4 and risk a rock draw it just doesn't make sense for merediths game so shes either lying or shes just bad at this game and i don't want to put my life in this game in the hands of someone who is either of those options if meredith flipped with us this week and i got amanda to vote with me we would have a 5-3 majority next week like that's the smartest thing to do???? i'm trying to not put a target on myself and let patricia take control but that's clearly not working and i just messaged meredith but she hasn't responded so that's why i'm here writing this instead of putting in work to actively do something   okay 10 minutes has elapsed since i wrote that last sentence i got tired myself out by thinking too much and now im probably just going to vote amanda even though i dont want to and its strategically stupid but i guess future me will have to deal with that bullshit because present me has had e n o u g h