#i love monica so much she deserves the absolute best she must have been terrified

[lilyofthevalleycaughtintherain]

she found hope

[vanessaxyvonne]

Somewhere Only We Know (Flashback / Update) || Self-Para

When: October 2018; October 2020

Where: London; Santa Monica

Warnings: Heartbreak / Depression

Based on: (x) 

Vanessa was headed home to London. Completely fleeing Santa Monica and from the public eye. She needed time for herself. As her head laid upon the cool glass of the town car that would be transporting her to her destination, she took yet again another shot of whatever rum she couldn’t recall pouring, her eyes fluttering shut as she tried to keep her composure. Finally, the car had stopped and the driver stepped out of the car to open the door for her, she thanked the person and walked up the familiar steps, taking in every memory once more. Once she arrived to the door, she could already smell the homey warmth awaiting her, but all she could hope was that the door would open. carefully, she knocked as she croaked out, “Brooke? Arabella? It’s me, Nessa.”

The door had suddenly cracked open, the brunette twins welcoming their cousin in with excited squeals and open arms. “NESSIEEE?!” Arabella squealed in delight. “Omigosh, what are you doing here, darling? Oh you must be freezing!!” The girl quickly ushered the brunette in as they closed the door. Brooke surveyed her cousin for a moment, her brow furrowing. “Something seems rather off. Usually when you come back from California, you’ve a sunkissed glow! Is something the matter? D’you get sick? Are you pregnant?!” Nessa’s eyes widened, but quickly shook her head.

“Uh oh…” Arabella exchanged a look to her twin. “I know that look…” She trailed off.

“No, Ness–” The younger brunette began to say until the brunette finally settled her bags down and crumpled to the floor in tears. The twins were alarmed at Nessa’s instant reaction and quickly rushed to her side and held her as tightly as they humanly could until the sobbing subsided. She didn’t say anything for that first day, all she did was sit next to the window on the floor, her head resting against the cool glass watching as it rained. While normally Arabella would joke about how Vanessa was movie level dramatic, her heartbreak laid beyond bounds of any sappy romcom to date. This continued for the next few days. Sitting at the window and watching the rain fall, the sun go up and down, the cloudy London skies were never ending. She barely moved, she barely ate. She just sat and watched the world around her continue to move as she sat still. Arabella and Brooke were worried, but knew that they couldn’t force her much, she was stubborn after all, as every Maldette was. Instead, they’d coax her, leaving food nearby, soap for her to shower, but otherwise, the movement was minimal.

For a moment, she forgot about Santa Monica and everything that had happened in it. Instead, it was just her and the trees above again, this time barren, stripped away of their color, but the branches still staring back at her with a certain kind of melancholia that made her want to reach up and take the branch by its hand and attempt to bring back the color. Perhaps it was the Scorpio in her that enjoyed the thought of life and death with colors. It brought her back to how her Avó Maria would always talk about life and death with such vivaciousness and such color. How life was filled with bright blues and purples but death always seemed to be black and white and grey. However, she never saw the grey in death. Always black and white. Then again, she never saw the grey in life either. She always viewed the world as one way or another. It was this or that.

“This or that,” She whispered to herself as she continued to walk, putting the sad song on repeat as she strolled along. As much as she had attempted to know exactly what she was doing with her life, she wasn’t sure at this point. Everything had turned into a violent 360 and at this point she wasn’t sure if she should even return to Santa Monica and dare show her face. She didn’t want to deal with the questions. She didn’t want to deal with the chance of potentially having to move on. This or that, never grey. She could stay in London or go back. She could win him back or let him go. She could be sure of the life she wants or give it up. She could learn more about herself and her faults or choose to run.

All she was ever good at was running away anyways. That was how she landed herself in London, hiding away in her cousins’ flat, hiding herself from the world while her brother, mother, and friends dealt with the fall out. She was sure they’d hate her. She was sure they wouldn’t miss her. Black and white thinking… She told herself. It wasn’t this or that, it wasn’t black and white. There were possibilities. There were chances. She began thinking of all the possibilities but most of them came up negative. Most of them bubbled to the surface made her eyes water and her throat begin to form that uncomfortable lump in the back of her throat. How did she get like this? How did she lose herself amongst the black and white? She wasn’t just classical she was modern.

As Nessa continued to walk around the giant park, she looked up at the sky again. Unsure if she was praying, unsure if she was begging, unsure if she wanted to be struck by lightning, she was clouded by the terrifying uncertainty again. There were millions that hated and admired her, but she only cared about the ones she held near and dear to her heart. Yet here she was, weeks shy of her 23rd birthday and officially unsure of her own future. She should’ve spoken up sooner. The rain began to fall again and so did her tears.

---

Vanessa blinked and here she was again in her beautiful penthouse. She looked upon the horizon as the sunset across the Pacific Ocean, a soft sigh escaped her lips as the melancholy song that reminded her of her sadness, of her despair, confusion, and fear, played faintly in the background. It was the first time in years that she was able to listen to it without breaking down in tears. Without switching the song, without having some sort of outburst.

 For the first time, in a long time, she felt, free. Sure, she still retained “the bitch” status, but she learned to use that as a power and not to let it be seen as something so horribly wrong with her. There was absolutely nothing fucking wrong with her. It was them. She wasn’t “too much”, she had all the right to be suspicious. She had all the right to demand what she deserved and she’d be damned to settle less than the best.

Going over to the refrigerator, she got herself her favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavor, Phish Food and moseyed her way onto the balcony, taking a seat to feel the cool ocean breeze. As the last few chords of the song played, she let out an exhale. Closing her eyes for a moment, recalling the pain she had been put through, but when she opened her eyes, she was once again met with the sunset. She was no longer that girl. That girl that chased after her paramours, begging to be loved. She poured all that love back into herself, focusing on designing, booking more shows to model, thriving, living, connecting. 

So with a smirk, the next song that played just so happened to be her favorite and as she kicked her feet up, she took a bite out of her ice cream with the biggest smirk on her face. 

She was no longer that insecure girl. She was that bitch. And damn proud of it too. 

[rebeccawritesbooks]

I loved the pregnancy prompt with Val and Lucille! could you do Lucille helping Valerie through the birth?

Of course! I hope you like this as much as the pregnancy one!

Valerie and Lucille both had the next two days of work, which was certainly unusual for them to both have a day to themselves at the same time.

The first day was absolutely perfect. It was December, and it had been snowing for the last couple of weeks it was also absolutely freezing, but that was okay as long as they were together that was more important than anything. They lived in a time where being gay was only legalized a few years ago and being able to have babies, well that was only just allowed too, it was still very difficult to be out in the open with their relationship and for their family.

Neither of them cared how difficult it would be they just needed each other, and at the end of the day, the people who knew them; friends and family like; Patsy, Delia, Trixie, Phyllis and Shelagh, they were the people who they counted on. They were the people that knew who Valerie and Lucille were and loved them for the people that they were and not because of their sexuality. Especially Patsy and Delia.

Being a midwife Valerie got to choose who would deliver her baby, everyone thought she’d choose Lucille, but Lucille didn’t want to and Valerie didn’t want her to either, she actually wanted Lucille to be holding her hand the whole time. She instead, without even a question had chosen Patsy to deliver her baby, she trusted her and she found Patsy to be the one she trusted to stay as calm as she could if anything did go wrong.

Valerie and Lucille decided to go for a walk, and go and do some shopping just the really small things, that to them they enjoyed doing together, things they missed out on when they were working almost 24/7. They had the perfect day, perfect evening too, cuddled up on the couch watching an episode of Doctor Who on television which Sister Monica-Joan had made them love.

At precisely 10pm Lucille went up to bed and Valerie made herself a cup of tea to take up to bed with her which she did every time she went to bed. However, although she didn’t know it yet, everything was about to change.

Valerie was walking up the stairs with her cup, she then felt her first labor pain, but Valerie being Valerie, she just went up the stairs put her tea next to the bed and got in next to Lucille. She didn’t think there was any need to worry her until there was a need for Patsy, so she drank her tea before trying to sleep as best she could until about 4am when she woke not able to take the pain any longer.

“Luc! Luc!” Valerie sat up, breathing heavily and shaking Lucille awake

“Val?” Lucille woke up suddenly, seeing Valerie sat up on her knees facing and clutching the headboard. “Valerie, how long have you been in labor?” Lucille asked standing up and running to the other side of the bed and picking up the phone.

“Since I came to bed at 10-”

“Valerie! You should have woken me!” Lucille said, with a frustrated tone lacing her voice.

“Why? So you could be sat up worrying until we needed to call Patsy? Which in turn would have me sitting up worrying about you, worrying about me. Neither of us needed the worry and you know it, love.” Valerie replied softly, holding her breath before letting out a whimper of pain “Just call Patsy!”

Lucille dialed the number quickly, whilst rubbing soothing circles on her wife’s back.

“Nonnatus house, midwife speaking, how can I help?” Patsy Mount asked as she answered the phone

“Patsy it’s Lucille, Valerie sh-”

“LUC! JUST TELL HER  THAT I AM IN A FUCKING LABOUR - ARRRGGHHHHHH!!” Valerie screamed out

“The doors open Patsy,” Lucille stated

“I’m on my way.” Patsy replied, and hung up the phone, grabbing everything she needed before making her way, cycling over to Valerie and Lucille’s home.

Lucille stayed with Valerie, rubbing her back “Maybe sitting or laying down would be better?” Lucille asked gently

“No! No! - wait - no grab me the bowl I’m gonna be sick!” Valerie cried, she had a really, very intense fear of being sick. Everyone else’s, no issue but her own she was terrified.

Lucille grabbed the bowl passing it to Valerie, who was quite literally trying not to throw up, even though her body was needing to. “Val, petal, your body needs to. I’m here, alright? Nothing bad will happen.”

Valerie nodded, in floods of tears as she gave in, letting her body do what it needed to.

–

Soon Patsy walked through the door and up to the bedroom of the couple “Oh dear, what’s been going on here then?” Patsy asked as she put down her bag and getting her surgical gloves onto her hands.

“She’s thrown up a few times.” Lucille whispered

“Nothing we can’t deal with.” Patsy smiled “Lucille why don’t you go and wash that out and then bring it back up.”

Lucille nodded doing as she was told, whilst Patsy not taking a no for an answer, helped Valerie of her knees and laying on her back “Have your waters broken yet?”

“No.” Valerie replied as she clutched the pillow in her hand above her head, trying to pant and quite frankly, just to breathe.

“Okay, first we need to get your bottoms off and your knickers too.” Patsy smiled in a reassuring manner, as she helped Valerie out of them leaving her in just a pajama top, which wouldn’t take long to come off too.  "Now legs apart sweetie… that’s it, I’m just going to check and see how far along we are.“

Valerie nodded, as she screamed with another contraction, and Lucille was back in the room. Luc went and sat quickly on the bed, putting the bowl on the table next to her. before she wrapped an arm around Valerie, and with the other held her hand.

Patsy finished up examining her "Valerie, I’m going to have to break your waters for you.”

“What?! Why?” Val asked in a knowing panic

“Because it’s nearly time for you to push and waters still haven’t broken on their own.”

Valerie nodded “Wait before you do I need to get out of this top, it’s too hot.”

Lucille helped her wife remove the rest of her clothing before she sat behind Valerie holding her in her arms and pushing her hair from her face. “I’ve got you, babe.”

Valerie quickly grabbed Lucille’s free hand, giving Patsy the nod to do what she needed to.

“Ready?”

“Just do it Patsy, please - OH GOD AHHHHHHHH!” Valerie let out another small scream as a contraction hit “I need to push!”

 “No, not yet, I need to break your waters, legs apart. That’s it.” Patsy elbowed Valerie’s knees apart properly “Stay like that, take a deep breath sweetie.”

Valerie breathed in slowly, and Patsy carefully broke her waters “There we are.”

Valerie at this point was just screaming on a constant loop.

“Screaming won’t help you, babe.” Lucille tried

“Well then you try pushing another fucking human being out a very small hole in your body!! ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH  I NEED TO FUCKING PUSH!”

Patsy had another check “Valerie, you’re ready, push with all that strength I know you have.”

Valerie let out a blood-curdling scream, squeezing at Lucille’s hands and pushing with all her might, and she pushed and pushed and pushed.

“Have a quick breather and then with the next push we should have baby’s head” Patsy Smiled, with a hand on Valerie’s knee “You have this, doesn’t she Lucille?”

“Absolutely, she’s the strongest, bravest woman I know.”

“She has to say that she’s my wife.” Valerie smiled through her tears and got ready to push again

“You can do this Valerie, a strong hard push, scream your head off if needs must but you must have the energy to push your baby out.” Patsy said firmly

Valerie took some deep breath before giving another had push as she screamed her way through “And we have a head! Stop pushing, stop-”

“W-what? why? what’s wrong?” Valerie asked shakily

“Cord wrapped around your baby’s neck, nothing we can’t sort out - ” Patsy slowly unwrapped the cord from the baby’s neck “There we go. Valerie in the next couple of pushes you will have your baby in your hands, you can do this. Now push!” Patsy said firmly, with the care in her voice that she had in everything she did and said.

 “I can’t…I’m too tired…” Valerie cried, shaking her head leaning back into her wife.

“Valerie you can”

 “I can’t!”

“Valerie, I love you but you gotta do this, for you and for us.” Lucille piped in, trying to convince her wife to push again.

Valerie was in tears, but she gathered her strength, squeezing again at Lucille’s hand and giving everything into the last few pushes. She was sure everyone in Australia would have been able to hear her with the earth-shattering screams.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!” Valerie screamed before hearing the cries of her baby and she herself was crying too leaning back into Lucille.

“You have a beautiful, crying baby girl!” Patsy beamed and cut the cord before wrapping the little girl in a towel and handing her to Valerie who happily took her into her arms, allowing her daughter to take a hold of her little finger with her fist. “Well aren’t you just something else.” Valerie cried

In fact, everyone, including Patsy was now crying, it was a room full of waterworks at the beauty that had just come of the birth.

“Tell her.” Lucille looked from Valerie to Patsy

“Tell me what?” Patsy looked up a little confused

“Lucille had come to the decision a few months ago that we would name her after our favorite people in this world, that’s you and Delia…”

“So, what are you naming her?”

Valerie looked to Lucille before back at Patsy “Her name is Patsy Delia Julienne Dyer”

“I- I’m honored. I don’t deserve it but I am truly honored.” Patsy smiled before seeing Valerie wince a little “Looks like the afterbirth is on its way, Val pass, your daughter over to your wife while I help you deliver the after birth.”

Valerie did exactly that, and Lucille walked around the room a little with baby Patsy, who was fast asleep already.

Patsy delivered the afterbirth. checking it over she realized very quickly some of it hadn’t come away and she went back to Valerie who had now lost a quite a bit of blood and was as pale as anything and getting weaker. “Lucille, I need you to phone for an ambulance. Now.” Patsy grabbed the needle, injecting Val with what she needed to help deliver the rest of the afterbirth.

Lucille rang for the ambulance and soon enough, they were all, including Pasty being taken to The London Hospital.