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sunsetswurve · 5 years

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Overcome / Numb (G.D) part 1

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

Skylar Martins has been going through a lot, mentally and emotionally. She’s lost in her own head. Everything is getting worse for her and she feels like she’s all alone, even when people are asking her if she’s okay. Feeling like a burden and a problem, she’s set on her life being like this from now on because there is no way out for her. That is until an old friend pops back into her life, seeing through her lies and getting her to see there’s more to life than what she’s doing.

A/N: Sooooo I’ve been going thru some rough stuff and this is the first time in a while I’ve written something. It’s been even longer since I posted any writing on the internet. Depression and anxiety are talked about. Suicidal thoughts are mentioned so trigger warning for that. Also, I’m not sure if this is going to be a friend!Grayson or like a relationship. heck I’ve always been bad at continuing stories so who even knows how far this will go. All depression and anxiety writing is from my own experience, I’m not trying to romanticize it or anything and i’m definitely not trying to make it that Grayson “cures” the main character. Let me know what you think, just please go easy on me <3

"Skylar, are you getting out of bed today? Don't you have work?" My mother asked from my doorway.

"Called out." I mumbled under my covers.

"You okay?" she asked, concern filling her voice.

"Yeah, I'm just tired and have a migraine."

"How are you tired? you've been in bed for the past 3 days. AND you've called out one day each week for the last month just to stay in your room. Do you even have sick time anymore?"

"Yes mom. Dont worry, I have enough hours. I just need to rest."

"Okay, we'll see when you lose your job for missing too much work. This isnt working Skylar. What’s going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Lies. Truth was my depression was the worst it's ever been. I haven't had any energy to do anything.

"Have you been taking your pills?"

"Yes." Lies. I don't care to anymore. It's ridiculous that I have to depend on stupid pills to be a normal human. If this is who I'm supposed to be. What’s the point.

"Bullshit." She rolled her eyes and slammed my door. I heard her go down the stairs and the front door slammed shut also. Nice. Very mature, mother. See, I'm so miserable and annoying my mother doesn't even care anymore. Just leaves me here to rot. I sighed and rolled over, looking at my phone. It was 2 in the afternoon. This is what my life has come to at 23 years old. Alone. Stuck in my room.

I used to try. I used to have energy to try and fight this. But recently its gotten harder and harder to get out of bed. I can see everyone's worried looks and heads shaking with disapproval, but its like there's this wall between what I know I should do to help this and myself. I'm stuck in this cloud of self doubt, self hatred. I hate that I'm like this. I see myself getting worse and yet I just can't put myself out there to say anything to anyone or express what I'm feeling.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. Numb, mostly. I'm just sick of being alone. I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in all situations. Always in a group of three friends, but the other two were closer and there was me. I've always been a shy person but after high school and stuff I went through in my first year of college, it got worse. I get nervous meeting new people, but I'm also nervous talking to people I haven't seen in awhile. I mean yeah, I have my family and even though I was that third person with friends, I still had friends. I'm also so close to my family. My cousin's been one of my best friends since I was born. But she's gotten pretty serious with her girlfriend so I'm pushed to the side once again. Not to mention they're talking about moving to the other side of the country. It's just gonna get worse.

I sound so selfish. But these are the thoughts that run through my head constantly throughout the day. Its all consuming. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.

With everyone in the house gone, I go downstairs and grab some cookies in the cabinet and sit in front of the tv. I'll be here for the next few hours until my parents and/or brother come home and then I'll head back upstairs. This is how it's been, avoiding everyone and eating junk to try and make myself feel less numb than I have been. I was switching on netflix when my phone buzzed.

"Hey Skylar, haven't talked to you in awhile. how have you been?" It was a text from Grayson. One of those friends I haven't talked to and don't freaking know how to talk to anymore because I'm a mess. I re-read the message a few times and wonder what I should respond with.

oh ya know, just wondering if I'll finally grow the balls to end my life or keep living in the hell I've created for myself. Oh yeah, that'll go down swimmingly.

"Hey, I've been fine, just working. How are you?"

"Oh are you working today? Could use a hair cut haha ;)" people only talk to you when they need something from you, they don't really care about how you're doing, silly.

"I'm actually off today, Gray." I turned back to the television, desperately trying not to dwell on the thought that he only wants to know what I'm doing just so I can do his hair. I understand with being a hairstylist that people want me to do their hair but its like. Even the people I see constantly do this, they see my behavior has changed, I'm not the happy person I was before. They've asked me how I'm doing -- at the most inopportune times, mind you. But if you think there is something really wrong, you shouldn't want to ask me while you're on hold with our supervisor, this conversation WILL end up with me sobbing and I really really don't think you're ready for it, Margaret so of COURSE I'm going to say I'm fine. A few minutes later, my phone lets out another buzz.

"Do you want to hang out?" That's different. No one's asked me that recently. Not that I'm the best person to hang out with right now, with the buzzkill I've become. I don't answer. Let's add "flaky" to the long list of flaws I've developed over the passed couple of months. Sometimes it's just easier to act like nothings happening. I turn over on the couch and fall asleep.

..only to be woken up 20 minutes later to the doorbell ringing

The hell? We live on a secluded dead end, no one ever comes here unless its planned, like ever. I open the door to reveal Grayson Dolan on my doorstep with a small grin on his face.

"Gray, what are you doing here?" I ask opening the door more for him to step inside.

"When you didn't answer my text, I figured you fell asleep because you've always loved your naps" he chuckled, since he could tell from the look of confusion on my face that is exactly what happened.

"ohhh" I'm not sure what else to say, honestly. I told you I haven't been the best with conversations lately.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks, taking in my disheveled appearance and greasy looking hair. Greasy looking because I haven't showered in days. Ya know, the things that happen with depression the internet and media don't tell you about when they're glorifying it for their aesthetic.

"Uhhh yeah. I haven't washed my hair in a few days. Look Gray I don't think--"

"No Skylar, really, are you okay? I was scrolling through twitter, saw one of your tweets and it's concerning."

"oh uh.. it's nothing, its just shit that comes to mind at night when I can't sleep." I say, hoping he doesn't press anymore. When I feel really low and don't know what to do, I let it out on twitter, no ones ever said anything before about it so I thought it didn't matter or they didn't care or whatever. It's been like this for years, so this really caught me off guard.

"Are you sure?" no.

"Yes." He gave me a look that definitely said he wasn't convinced, but shrugged anyway.

"Okay, so what are we watching?"

"Oh um, I'm catching up on Supernatural."

"Nice!"

"Gray do you even watch Supernatural?"

"No, but if you're watching it, I'll watch it with you. I wanna hang out and you're not busy. I miss you, so let's go! press play already." I gave him a weird look, this is different. Usually Grayson is really busy between doing stuff with Ethan and/or filming.

"What's going on? Where's Ethan? You two are inseparable."

"He's doing some stuff today. Tattoo and other errands. He'll be gone until tonight."

ahh, so he's just here because Ethan is busy and has nothing better to do

"What was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just got this disappointed and annoyed look on your face. What are you thinking, Sky?"

"It's nothing."

"Listen, I know we haven't talked in months but this is not the Skylar I've known for years and I know you're not okay no matter what you're saying behind that fake smile. I'm not going to push it. You don't have tell me right now. But I'm here for you, even if we just sit and watch TV, okay?" My jaw dropped a little, I was not expecting this. Especially since we haven't talked in a while. But Gray has always been able to sense when I'm feeling off. So I'm not too surprised. But to still want to hang around me even if I don't want to talk, like damn, that's so sick of him.

"Thanks G." I say, smiling slightly and lean into his shoulder, a small gesture to show my appreciation. We focused in on the tv and got lost in it for the next few hours.

I didn't notice how many episodes we got through until the front door opened and my mother stepped in.

"Wow. You're out of your room AND someone is here? I'm shocked." She said sarcastically and turned to Grayson. "Hi honey, are you staying for dinner?"

"Hi Mrs. Martins. I'd love to."

"Good! I'm glad someone's been able to get her out of bed." my mother comments as I roll my eyes and continue to focus on the television. I could feel Grayson gaze on me though, I kept facing forward, hoping he would let it go and thankfully, he did. I couldn't focus back into the show though. He knows somethings wrong. But like he really knows. And I'm gonna have to tell him something soon or he'll just be wasting his time and get sick of me just like everyone else. I started biting my nails as I watched forward feeling anxious and sick of myself.

"hey do you still have your PS4?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Do you wanna go play some before dinner?"

"I don't really have any two player games."

"That never stopped us before. We can take turns doing stupid stuff on GTA?"

"Wow I haven't played that in the longest time."

"Lets go!" He said, standing up and waiting for me to follow him upstairs to where we have the playstation set up. I slowly stood up and went along with him. "Remember when we used to play online all of the time?" He asked as I set it up.

"Yeah, remember how angry Ethan would get when asshole twelve year olds would kill us before we could even do anything in the game and I had to figure out how to start a server for just us?"

"Oh man, back when we were living in apartments our neighbors would get PISSED at how loud he would yell."

"And I'd be up here swearing, thinking no one could hear me but one day my mother came up here PISSED because I dropped the f bomb like a million times in a minute."

"She lectured all three of us the next time me and E came over." We both laughed at the memory.

After some time, my mother called up, letting us know dinner was ready. My brother and father were both home now and we all sat down for our meal.

“Grayson! It's been so long since you've been over! How are you and your brother doing?" My father asked

"We're good, Mr Martins. We're working on some new video ideas and Ethan is getting stuff for it today."

"That's great to hear. Its nice to see Skylar out of her room and have company over for once. She's just been in her room for months."

"Dad. seriously?" I ask, do we have to talk about how I'm fucked up at dinner?

"Well she doesn't help herself if she's not taking her medications." My mom comments not looking up from her plate.

"Mom!"

"Skylar why aren't you taking your meds?" My dad turns to me, everyone turns to me actually. I feel my face start to heat up with all of the unwanted attention. My anxiety rising for being put on the spot like this when Grayson was here, or anyone actually.

"And we wonder why I'm finding excuses to not sit out here with you guys all of the time?" I say, rolling my eyes before standing up and hurrying up the stairs to my room.

----

I go into my room and throw myself on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Now he's definitely gonna know I'm not okay. He's definitely gonna walk talk to me about that and probably try to help. He'll stick around for a week or two, see how annoyingly sad and stubborn I am and give up. Just like everyone else has when I've been like this in the past. As if he could hear my thoughts, I hear a knock and Grayson quietly say my name, trying to not disturb the silence.

I look up but don't make a move.

"Sorry you had to awkwardly witness all of that." I mumble. He comes in, gently shutting the door behind him. He lays next to me, also looking up at the ceiling.

"You know they're just worried about you, right?"

"I know," I sigh.

"You also know I'm worried about you, right?"

"Don't be."

"How can I not? Your tweets are literally screaming that you're not okay. You aren't taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from everyone trying to help you." My eyes start filling up with tears and my breathing start to get heavy. My skin is on fire, feeling like hot pins and needles are stabbing me all over. "Skylar?"

I can't say anything. It's like the floodgates have been opened. I dont feel numb anymore but I feel everything. Hurt, sad, angry and frustrated. All I do is curl into a ball, sobbing and gasping for air. I feel Grayson try and pick me up to bring me closer to him but I push him away. It feels like I'm being smothered with nothing touching me at all. I know he means well but when I'm like this, touching doesn't help. I feel him start to pull away, probably to get my mother since somethings wrong and he doesn't know what he should do. but I grab his hand and shake my head.

"Panic attack. Stay. Give me a few minutes." I manage to get out between strangled sobs. He nods, staring at me with worry. I'm not surprised he's freaked out. Usually when I have panic attacks like this I'm not around anyone, so he definitely hasn't seen me like this before. My mother has only heard me have them because I used to call her when I was in college. That was when they started to get really bad. He doesn't let go of my hand though, it would be hard to with me squeezing it, trying to ground myself while focusing on my breathing.

It feels like an eternity, but it was probably just a few minutes later when my breathing slowed and the pins and needles sensation had left. I let go of Grayson's hand and wipe my face, groaning once it really hit me that I just had a panic attack in front of someone for the first time in so long.

"I'm so sorry about that Gray"

"Did you just have a panic attack?"

"Yeah, again, so sorry"

"Don't be! You know I have panic attacks too. I've just never seen you have one and you've always been okay with hugging and stuff so that just threw me, I didn't know how to help you."

"I usually have them at night or I'm not near anyone when they do happen. Uh, I uh feel like I can't breathe and my skin feels like it's on fire and I'm getting stabbed with hundred of needles all over my body so I freak out even more when people try to touch me when they happen.

"Jesus, Skylar. Why don't you tell anyone you're going through this?"

"I don't know" I shrug, "I don't like to bother people."

"Are you serious? You wouldn't be bothering anyone, you just need to tell people how you're feeling when they ask, because I know they've been asking. They're really worried. I'm really worried."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I just need you to take care of yourself."

"That's really hard right now, G."

"Then let me help, let someone help, stop locking yourself away and thinking you need to go through this by yourself." Tears are now streaming down my face and I'm quietly sobbing. He brings me in for a hug and kisses my forehead. We stay like that for awhile. "We're gonna get through this. I promise."

For some reason, that just makes me cry even harder. Why can't I take care of myself? I used to be strong and independent. Now I'm weak. I need people to take care of me at 23? What is this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"I, uh, okay." I take a deep breath again. "I'm just so fucking weak. And helpless. You shouldn't have to be making these promises and be worried about me." I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts and take a few more breaths. "Like this is sad. Ridiculous. How did I get myself in this situation. I don't get it. I don't know or understand myself anymore and I don't know how I got like this." My panic was turning into anger now. Anger at myself. The world. God or the universe or whatever seems to be in control of all of this.

"Stop beating up on yourself for like two seconds to see that people care about you and love you. Sometimes life gets hard and we need help. If I was in this position I would want someone to help me. I can't stand seeing you like this. I WANT to help. Life got busy and I was a shitty friend that grew distant. But I'm here. Your family is here. I know for a fact that if Ethan was here he'd be agreeing with me. We've known each other for years. I know you ARE strong. You just need a little help right now. The only question is if you're going to accept the help or stay stuck." He got a little louder, was it because it's Grayson and he's just loud or wanting to make his point come across clearly? both, probably. I took a few deep breaths, really calming for the first time in hours.

"Okay."

#Grayson Dolan #Dolan Twins #Dolan Twins fanfic #grayson dolan fanfic #Ethan Dolan #Ethan and Grayson #Overcome / numb #dolan twin fandom #grayson bailey dolan #dolan twins imagine #grayson #ethan #fanfiction #TW: depression #TW: anxiety #tw: suicide mentioned

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hangeladavis · 5 years

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A Gift For You On My 30th Birthday

IT’S MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

This is an accurate portrayal of how I felt this morning when I woke up! 30!!!! WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! I have lots of feels so I made a playlist. Naturally. So here are 30 songs (+1 for good luck) that I love and a little bit about them.

Knockin on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan - My mom says that this is the first song that came on the radio when we left the hospital. Imagining that it’s the first song I heard is nice.

I Love Your Smile by Shanice - When I was a baby child, this was my song! Every night when my dad got home from work and walked into our apartment in Queens I would run to him and ask him to play my song and I would sing it. HARD! Mind you I was like 2 or 3 but it didn’t matter.

Fly Like An Eagle by Seal - Can we talk about the Space Jam soundtrack!? It was vibe to my 6 or 7 year old self and it still goes! I feel like this album was the first time I really heard music. And felt it.

I Wanna Be Down by Brandy - Ok so my dad got those Columbia House cds for 1c or whatever and the first one he gave me was Brandy’s self titled album. You couldn’t tell me nothing!!! Hairbrush karaoke on a million!

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child - When “Writings on the Wall” came out, I really tried to convince my friends to do a backyard performance with choreography and everything. They said no but it was then at 9 that I knew I wanted to be an artist, a director specifically.

We Can’t Be Friends by Deborah Cox - Another in the Columbia House cd collection, I played this album out and knew every word. I played it last summer after not listening to it for at least 15 years and still knew every word and every riff.

My All by Mariah Carey - “I’d give my all/ To have/ Just one more night with you” I had no real context for what I was singing but I used to sing this song so hard! I miss classic Mariah.

Kick Your Game by TLC - That Crazy, Sexy, Cool album was so classic and it was hard to pick one song but this was my jam!

I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5 - Now that I am older I question if I really want someone to be there with that much fervor after a breakup but when baby MJ sings “just look over your shoulders honey, oooh!” I feel it in my soul!

Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson - This song sends me. From the very beginning, to the beat drop. And when she grabs the phone from him and tells his baby “He’s not coming back/because he’s sleeping with me!” thats a moment. No one wants to be on the receiving end of that call but Diana gets what she wants.

That’s The Way Love Goes - JANET! Queen of the Whisper Sing! Duchess of Tight Choreo! I was way too young to be singing this song but I blame my dad. It’s a sexy jam and I don’t regret it.

Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah - When I was 10, some friends and I danced to this song at our elementary school. My mom choreographed it, we got matching outfits and we performed it. Another group of girls (who were admittedly more popular) danced to “Maria, Maria” and they wore matching cowboy hats. Naturally, there was a showdown on the playground over who was better. Naturally.

Just a Friend 2002 by Mario - Westbury Middle School! It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mainly the worst of times cuz middle school is hellish and there is nothing you could do to make me want to relive those years. But one of the sweet moments was getting a mixed cd from this boy that had a crush on me and this was the first song. Swoon It worked. We dated for a while. It was cute.

My Life, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin - This is the first song I ever choreographed and it changed my life. I was 10 years old. I showed my mother the choreo and she said teach me. It was in that moment that she validated my artistry. That’s why can’t nobody tell me nothing. I have been doing this for 20 years!

Healing by Richard Smallwood - My mother choreographed this piece for the church dance ministry, Choresis, at Memorial Presbyterian Church in Roosevelt, NY. It was one of their most popular pieces and it gave my mother the outlet she needed to dive headfirst into her artistry. I learned how to lead, facilitate and hold healing arts-centered space from my mother and the women she danced with. Their labor made me possible.

Air Force Ones by Nelly - Back to Westbury Middle School, this song is to honor the Air Force 1s wearing preteen I was. Ooh girl…

Ready For Love by India.Arie - When this song came out I thought I knew what it meant and sang it as such. Girl. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl… 15+ years later and the only thing I know is that I don’t know very much at all. Also this song is very hetero and I am indeed very queer. lol

I’ll Write A Song For You by Earth, Wind & Fire - Family road trips were not complete without this song. We still sing this song like it’s our job. I knew we were getting older when my brother Jordan couldn't hit the high notes.

As by Stevie Wonder - This song. Whew. When I was 10, my mother and I were asked to dance to this song at the funeral of a baby that died. We did and afterwards I was tore up. I kept thinking about my baby brother, Aaron, who has just been born and how I would feel if he died. I didn’t listen to this song for years. Until I really listened to the words and thought about a love that transcends space and time. This song inspired me to write a musical based on Stevie Wonder’s music. And it is my favorite song by my favorite singer.

Breathe from In The Heights Musical - Fast forward, my senior year of college my parents gave me tickets for In The Heights for Christmas. My best friend Lana and I sat in the second to last row in this Broadway house and when this song started I wept. I mean completely lost it. Because she was singing my story. I was flunking out of college my senior year and hadn’t told my parents. I had been a top student in high school and graduated #5 in my class. But I didn’t have words to name my anxiety, depression and fear that I had no idea what to do with my life after school. “And what will my parent say?/Can I go in there and say/"I know that I'm letting you down” This song still makes me cry.

I’m Here from The Color Purple Musical - I’ll let the song speak for itself. “I believe I have inside of me /Everything that I need to live a bountiful life/And all the love alive in me/I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree/And I'm thankful for every day that I'm given/Both the easy and hard ones I'm livin'/But most of all, I'm thankful for/Lovin' who I really am

Back That Azz Up - Ha! This is my favorite transition. This song is for my undergrad club days at A&T and the Blu&White fam.

Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey - But I don’t actually club for real because I am a grandma that missed my era. I could dance to disco all night actually.

Seasons of Love from RENT Musical - What can I say? I’m a theatre kid. This is for A&T’s theatre department that taught me so much and made me so much of who and how I am as an artist. And Rest in Peace to the mother of our theatre department, Frankie Day.

Screens by Zoocrü featuring Al Strong - In 2016, I met a woman named Margaret A. Brunson who changed my life. (She has that effect on everyone) The first time we hung out she took me to an Kickstarter kickoff party for a band named Zoocrü. I had never heard of them before but as soon as they started playing I was like Who are these boys? I offered my administrative assistance for their campaign and it turned into more than I ever imagined. That offer is what pushed me into consulting and it’s been a joy to work with artists and creatives. I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet - My grandmother, my Nanny, Evelyne Marie Laisure Marshall passed away on September 29, 2017. Her living made me possible and her passing changed my life. I talk about grandmas so much because I dont know who I would be without her love. I miss her so much but I find her everywhere; in my red fingernail polish, in my card shuffling, in my baking, in my political analysis, in my care. And yes, in the candy dish in my living room.

F.U.B.U. by Solange - Last year I created a show called “Buy My Soul And Call It Art”. I had no idea what I was doing but my Nanny had passed and my cousin Michael had passed and the Universe was telling me to “do it scared”. This song was featured in the piece because I never wanted anyone to forget who this is for, who this is centering. “All my niggas in the whole wide world…”

I Want You by Erykah Badu - The second show in the trilogy is “Buy My Body And Call It A Ticket” and that show almost killed me. I had to go somewhere deep inside myself and that place is dark and scary and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna make it out. But I did. And what brought me back was this. “I want you.” I want my body. I want my life. I want my love. I want myself.

I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker - Show number 3 (which will be rebooted) is “Buy My Art And Call It Holy”. Though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I cannot separate myself from my Christian upbringing and this is one of my favorite songs. When I sing it I am singing it out to my people. I am singing to you. “I need you/ You need me/We’re all apart of one body”

Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp - Yall there have been times when I wasnt sure if I was gonna make it to 30. Seriously. Depression and anxiety is real. Sometimes it zaps the desire to be right out of me. But I am here. And I am so grateful. Here’s to another day, another week, month, year, decade!

Crazy, Classic, Life by Janelle Monae - Did ya’ll think there wouldnt be some Janelle Monae on here!?! This is my theme song! Let’s ride this thing til the wheels fall off!

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