#i mean it's not really pharma apologism. only a little. but this is mostly about ambulon

[lord-squiggletits]

Okay another instance of "fuck canon" that's not just Pharma-related, but Ambulon related. I keep thinking of Luna-1 where Ambulon called Pharma "Doctor DJD" and I feel like that's such a total "he would not fucking say that" moment. Obv JRO controls the characterization so what's in the comics is canon/right, I just think that it doesn't make sense for someone in Ambulon's position with his backstory to be that petty towards Pharma?

Ambulon's a Decepticon traitor, he's on the DJD's List. Moreover, he's stationed on Messatine which is the DJD's home planet and is (was?) still an active battle front until very recently.

Proof that Messatine being the DJD's territory is common knowledge: not only First Aid, who's stationed at Delphi, but also at least three Autobots on the Lost Light, know that the DJD make Messatine their home. And this is long before Pharma does his monologue to Ratchet about his t-cog blackmail with Tarn.

Proof that Delphi/the nucleon mines were in an active warzone at least until Pharma started his plague: Pharma wouldn't have had any t-cogs to harvest if there wasn't a continuous stream of soldiers/war-dead coming in to use as his supply.

So then, Ambulon knew fully well that he and all of the rest of them were right next to the DJD's home base, and as an ex-Decepticon he knows he would be on the list. Probably not very high on the list, since Ambulon was a mere MTO who got turned into a failed combiner experiment, but he IS on the list; just because the DJD only proceed through the list in order of importance, doesn't mean that Ambulon wouldn't know that they'd come for him eventually.

And this is a really fucking neat idea to play around with! We don't ever get a canon/explicit explanation for why Prowl decided to station those three medics on Delphi, especially one who's an ex-Con on an execution list. Did Ambulon have a choice? Or was he told to go there with no argument? Either way, I think Ambulon deserves some major kudos, because he must have ball (bearings) of steel to be an ex-Con in DJD territory without constantly being on the verge of a mental breakdown or panic attack. I could honestly write a whole post on the question of "why were these three stationed on Messatine" in itself, but that's for another time.

The point I'm trying to make here is basically that Ambulon of all people should've been sympathetic to the circumstances that drove Pharma to do what he did: they were ALL stationed in the DJD's territory and they knew it, they ALL knew that the DJD's playbook is horrific torturous murder, they ALL knew that Ambulon was a former Decepticon. It wouldn't take a genius for everyone at Delphi to piece together the fact that the DJD would come for Ambulon eventually if either he wasn't evacuated or Delphi as a whole wasn't evacuated. But I mean, this is wartime, right? Every soldier is risking their life, everyone could die at any moment. They can't close down Delphi or evacuate all of the personnel in an active war front battling over a mine just because a medic or three might feel unsafe. Nowhere in war is safe. If High Command let everyone abandon their posts who was afraid of being killed, nothing would ever get done because war comes with inherent risk of death that all soldiers accept by participating, as well as accepting the obligation to follow orders on threat of punishment. (Almost as if Pharma couldn't have just evacuated or run away like Ratchet suggested, but JRO clearly isn't a military expert so I'll digress/chalk it up to "wasn't plot relevant to bring up".)

We got all of like, two pages that showed Pharma and Ambulon's working relationship, and the best we have besides that is JRO's word of god that Pharma and Ambulon had 'mutual reluctant respect' for each other. It's highly unlikely that the two were best buddies regardless, but I don't think you need to be friends with someone like Pharma, while sharing the same situation as him, to be a little more sympathetic to him? Like I get that Ambulon would be offended by the idea of his boss trying to frame him for murder to cover up his own murders, but the "Doctor DJD" line always seemed weirdly callous and petty to me. "Doctor DJD" implies that Pharma was some sort of willing collaborator or servant to the DJD which clearly wasn't the case. And I find it hard to believe that Ambulon, who knows exactly what kind of people the DJD are, would have an opinion of Pharma that was just "oh he should've tried harder/been less of a coward and resisted." Hell, Ambulon's reaction to Sonic and Boom showing up at Delphi asking for refuge was to instantly take pity on them and offer them shelter immediately; if he feels protective/sympathetic towards literal random nobody Decepticon soldiers, shouldn't he have at least as much feeling (if not more) for another Autobot who he worked with and supposedly had respect for?

Assuming that Ambulon got the full details of Pharma's blackmail deal. I mean, there's no reason to assume that Ratchet would've lied to First Aid and Ambulon about what Pharma told him (unless??? conspiracy theory!!!!) , so Ambulon should've heard about the t-cog deal and how it was the only reason the DJD didn't raze Delphi to the ground so long ago. Then again, maybe Pharma's story got explained to him and First Aid via Ratchet's extremely judgemental take on events, so who knows how much of Pharma's side of the story Ambulon would've actually known.

But wouldn't it be so much more interesting if, instead of sneering at Pharma as "Doctor DJD", Ambulon had a more conflicted perspective of Pharma's face-heel turn? Would he wonder how it is that someone who he had such respect for could've been so despicable? Or, more sympathetically, would Ambulon ever wonder if Tarn threatening Delphi was his fault for being there? Would Ambulon wonder what he would've done in Pharma's position, being forced to bargain to postpone his own horrific execution? Would he be angry at Prowl or the higher-ups for stationing them all in such a dangerous post to begin with?

I mean, the answer is that Ambulon was a tertiary cast member at best, to the point that half of his appearances on the Lost Light literally are shown in retrospect after he died, so there would've been no room to explore this in the plot, and Ambulon and Pharma were way lower priority compared to other, more important protagonists. I just think it would be interesting to explore these questions in other metas and fan works.

And yes, I do think Ambulon would not fucking say that ("Doctor DJD") regardless of what canon actually says lmao.

[hummingbird-of-light]

Desideria Praeterita

Part 23

Scotty

The Scotsman couldn’t help it. So he walked over to the medicine cabinet and searched it through for what he had hidden in the back of it.

Scotty pulled out a bottle of pills and swallowed two of them. It was a tranquilizer he hadn’t told Leonard about yet. He had gotten it from the local pharmacy.

He didn’t want to take drugs. But sometimes it was the only thing keeping him sane. It made him feel normal again. And… these attacks didn’t happen too often. Mostly when he was alone.

He couldn’t tell Leonard though. What would he think of him if he knew?

“Scotty-“

The Scotsman swirled around at the sound of that voice and dropped the bottle. The pills covered the floor and Scotty immediately fell to his knees to pick them up.

“I… I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up. I-“

Wait. This wasn’t Khan he was talking to. It was Leonard. It was his love.

He carefully glanced up from the ground to look up into Leonard’s face. The doctor was kneeling next to him, looking at the bottle.

“I… I can explain… I…”

But his boyfriend just hugged him tightly, pulling him closer to his chest. And Scotty couldn’t help but cry.

Why? Why did all of this have to happen now? This was so… embarrassing. He was embarrassing.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m sorry Leonard.”

But the man just held him, rocking him softly.

With him Scotty felt safe. He knew that Leonard would protect him. No one could hurt him with Leonard around him.

“I’m sorry.”

Part 24

McCoy

McCoy stepped to the bathroom door in their room and saw Scotty standing at the sink with a pill bottle. He frowned and wondered what it was.

“Scotty-”

The Scotsman whipped around in surprise and dropped the bottle. Pills spilled over the floor. Scotty dropped down and began guiltily apologizing.

McCoy sighed. He hadn’t meant to startle Scotty. He dropped down to the ground and picked up the bottle. Looking at the drug name he recognized it for what it was. Scotty must be having more issues from everything than he was letting on.

The engineer was still mumbling out apologies, but McCoy wasn’t listening. He just reached out and held Scotty. He pulled the man close as Scotty began to cry. He didn’t say anything as Scotty murmured out another ‘I’m sorry.’

McCoy’s brain was racing trying to think how to phrase what he wanted to say. He didn’t want Scotty to feel any guiltier, or think McCoy was trying to control him like Khan had. He ran his fingers up through the back of Scotty’s hair.

“I wish you had told me,” he finally said softly. “I want to help.” He paused, but continued before Scotty could speak. “Are these pills helping you?”

He felt a shrug and a nod come from the Scotsman.

“Ok.”

McCoy loosened his grip and pushed Scotty back enough to see his face.

“I… I know this isn’t the best time for this conversation, but I really think you should see someone. A therapist who can help you through all this.” He held up the bottle again. “These will only help you so far.”

Scotty opened his mouth to reply, but McCoy stopped him.

“I love you Scotty, no matter what, and I want to help. We don’t have to talk about this anymore right now, but we should later. Ok?”

Scotty hung his head, but managed a nod.

McCoy began to stand and pulled Scotty with him. He lifted Scotty’s chin with his fingers so the engineer was looking at him.

“I can’t imagine how hard any of this is for you, but I’m right here. Alright? We’ll get through this.”

McCoy reached for a hand towel and handed it to his boyfriend.

“Let’s get you cleaned up. Your nephew is out there all alone. He didn’t mean to upset you.”

Scotty turned back to the sink and turned it on.

“I told him a little. About the pharma issue and that Khan tried to run and shot someone. I didn’t mention that it was me.”

Scotty was watching him in the mirror.

“I know it’s going to be hard talking about your family with him, but it’s important. I have a feeling Khan played a bigger part there than any of you know about.”

McCoy wasn’t surprised when Scotty finished at the sink he turned around and embraced him tightly again.

“Thank ye Leonard.”

[bebepac]

The Double Date Mistake?

I am participating in @wackydrabbles​ prompt # 92 “I don’t think that was meant to go there.” will appear in bold.

This is also chapter 2 of The Meet:  To catch up on what you’ve been missing of the Meet so far Please click:  The Meet Masterlist

Original Post Date: 05/01/2021 at 3:15PM

The Book:  TRR

The Pairing:  Liam x F!OC (Liam x Jilian) 

Word Count: 1948

Summary: Jilian goes on a double date with Bebe and meets Leo for the very first time.  Jilian and Bebe share how they first met each other to the guys.  

Warnings: Sexual innuendos.  Profanity.  

Leo and Liam belong to pixelberry, Jilian belongs to @queenjilian borrowed for the duration of this series. All others are my own to help us tell the story.  

“And done. He has your number now Jili. Now fly my little birdies fly.”  

She thought he would text right away but he didn’t.  The whole way to Bebe’s apartment the twenty minute drive Jili’s phone was silent.

Bebe looked at Jili as she glanced at her phone.  What the actual hell?

She texted Jilian.

“Bebe why the hell are you texting me? I’m sitting right next to you?”

“I was just making sure your phone was on.”  

“I mean he’s still working Bebe.  He can’t just drop everything and just start texting away.”

“The hell he can’t. What in the actual fuck is wrong with you bruh?” Bebe grumbled as she angrily typed on her phone.

“Wing Woman are you trying to crash this plane?”

“The mother  hasn’t even taken off yet with you two trying to pilot it. I’m gonna need you to get your life together Jili.”  

The driver pulled to a stop. “Damn I really wanted to see how this turned out.”

Bebe got out of the car in a huff.

“I’ll let you know.”   Jili called out the window to her.

Jilian wasn’t going to let it stress her out.  He was still at work. She knew her job got busy at times, and she couldn’t just sit on her phone and do nothing.  As she was walking up the stairs to scan her door key fob, the phone rang.

It was a local number she didn’t recognize.

“Hello?”

“Jilian. It’s Liam.”

“Hi Liam.”

“I apologize for not texting or calling sooner.  Things got busy at work.”

“Oh I figured that was what happened.”  

"Bebe is something else. I feel a little attacked. I can tell it's from a place of love though."

"She's my best friend Liam. My true sister from another mister."

"So it's safe to assume you are single?" Liam inquired.

"I am, and for you the same?"

"Yes Jilian I am. Is it forward of me to say maybe we can change that for each other. I would really like to see you again. I'm off next Friday would you be free then?"

Jilian sighed.

"Friday is my date night."

"Oh. I just assumed you being single you weren’t seeing anybody even casually."

"With Bebe. We restaurant hop. We're self proclaimed foodies. 

Do you have any friends maybe we could double?”

“My brother, both him and Bebe have big personalities, I think they’d really get along.  Think she would be okay with that?”

“Yeah I think I could convince her.”  

They continued to talk, and about everything under the sun.  Liam was funny and witty and kept her attention.

She began to realize how much she had in common with the charming Liam Rys.  

She had cuddled into her bed under her covers laughing and chatting with him.  She finally rolled over realizing it was almost dawn.

“Oh my God! Is that the sun?!?!?!” she shrieked, surprised into the phone.

“I’m so sorry Jilian I completely lost track of time.”

“I have to go, I have to be at work in forty five minutes!!!”

Jilian said her goodbyes to Liam and hurried to work.  

Right when Jilian was sitting in her office reading over her chart  for her first patient’s checkup, there was a delivery.  

A large coffee drink had been delivered to her with a sweet gooey cinnamon bun.

“Gift for you Jilian Winchester.”  

Liam was really sweet.

She texted him thank you.

He had let her know he had an extra espresso shot added to her coffee.

Liam was a lifesaver.  

*^*^*^*^* The Double Date *^**^*^*^*

When Jili and Bebe got to the restaurant  Liam and Leo were already seated at the table both stood to greet them.  

Liam softly kissed  Jili’s cheek.  

Bebe glanced at Leo.  He was cute, but he was probably about five inches shorter than Bebe, not to mention Bebe was wearing heels making her tower over Leo.

Liam changed the subject breaking the ice between everyone, and the conversation between the couples started flowing.  

Jilian slipped in the subject of Liam and Leo honestly not looking much like each other.  

“We’re half brothers, we have different mothers. But don’t get it twisted Bebe.  I can scale you like Mount Everest. Taller women don’t intimidate me one bit.”

“Um….thank you for that blatant honesty…. Jili will you accompany me to the restroom please?”  

“Excuse us for a moment.”  Jili smiled politely.  

“Absolutely not Jili!!!!!”  Bebe was adamant when the door to the bathroom closed.  

“Bebe I didn’t know!  I swear when he said older brother, I was thinking he looked like him.  You would think older brothers are taller, bigger, and wiser. He is funny though.  You two do have similar personalities. Maybe try to focus on that Bee.  Let’s just try to have a fun time.  You don’t have to see Leo again.  But I know I want to see Liam again. I like him.”  

“You owe me big for this!!!”

Both women come back to the table.  Their drink orders had arrived.  Bebe takes a long sip on her drink.  

“That’s what I’m talking about!”  Leo smiled.  “A girl after my own heart.”  

“How did you and Bebe meet Jilian?”  

“We actually met in NOLA. We were both presenting at a medical conference.  Bebe for the Pharma side, because she’s a pharmacist,  and me for medical for being a nurse practitioner focused in the at risk population.”

Leo eyes flit to Bebe.

“So you’re a drug dealer?”  

Bebe smiled.  “ Legal Drug Dealer. Yep, that’s what I call myself. I’m slinging pills to pay the bills.”  

“I can dig it.”  

“We met the night before our conference began, in a bar.”  

When Jilian walked into the bar she noticed her right away.  There was a woman at the bar,  drinking her drink telling what appeared to be a funny story that had multiple people’s attention.  All were laughing with her.   She had to be a local. Jili thought.  

She had strings of beads around her neck.  

“What can I get ya?”  the bartender asked.  

She looked at Bebe.  “I want whatever she’s having.”  Bebe was the life of the party.  

“Well I did a little pre-gaming at the drive through daiquiri shop though. 

But mostly Hurricanes.  Get her a Hurricane Sal.”  

The bartender winked at Bebe.  

“Don’t skimp on the good stuff either!”  She yelled out.

Jilian’s eyes widened when the bartender  brought her the drink.

Bebe held up her glass to clink with Jilian’s glass.

“Laissez le bon temps rouler!!!!!”   The crowd screamed in agreement at Bebe’s declaration.

“What?”  

“LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!!!!!”  

Jilian took a long drink of the cocktail.  No wonder.  

“Yep! You like it.  I’m Bebe, what’s your name?”

“Jilian.”  

“I’m gonna call you Jili.  What brings you to NOLA?”  

“Work, a conference.”  

“Bleh you said the “W.” word.  That’s not existing in my life right now.  We’re here, we’re alive, no regrets Jili.  Let your hair down and enjoy yourself.  I mean literally.  That bun is a buzz kill.”  

Jili pulled the pins out of her hair shaking out her locks.  

“So much better!!!! You’re a babe!!!  See they’re already looking at you differently.  We’re not interested though.  Unless they’re buying more drinks.”  

Jili glanced at the guys that were now looking in her direction.  

“You’ve got a lot of bead necklaces going on.”   Jili commented.  

“There are two ways to get beads in NOLA.  Buy them or earn them.”

Jili looked at Bebe and raised her eyebrow with a smile.

“Let me guess, your ass hasn’t spent a dime tonight.”  

Bebe took a long sip of her hurricane.  

“Nope.  Not a single dime.  Including alcohol.  I'll tell you what Jili.  Life’s too short.  I’m not going to regret any of my choices.  I spent a year in Costa Rica, living my life Pura Vida.”

“Pure Life.”  Jilian smiled.  Bebe was a carefree spirit, and people gravitated to her.

“We’re only here for a blink Jili.  How do you want your story to be told?”

She decided to throw caution to the wind and party the night away with Bebe.

Jilian’s alarm went off the next morning.  She was incredibly hung over as she tried to pull herself together.  

She had a random memory of her and Bebe walking down  Bourbon Street singing “Lean on Me”  while they were linked arm and arm.  The drunk leading the more drunk back to the hotel.

She smiled, straightening her black business suit.  She was about to pull her hair up into her signature bun but decided to let her tresses fall free instead.  

As she was getting checked into the convention she slipped her ID badge and program of speakers, herself among the list.  

She heard her laugh.  Jili whipped her head around and saw Bebe at the back of the line with two others.  Bebe was wearing a bright pink business suit, and her shoes and clutch had the print of medications on it.  

“The legal drug dealers have arrived!!!! Big Pharma in da house!!!!!!”  

Jili laughed, shaking her head.  

“That’s how we met Liam.”  

“We found out later we lived near each other, and made plans to meet up.  Been friends ever since.  That was like six years ago.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t ask us how we met.”  Leo asked.

“I assume you are brothers…. You met… at birth?”

Bebe shook her head at Leo.

Everyone was calm after not to mention the alcohol free flowing.  They headed to  a lounge after dinner, called Blue Notes.  The music there was full of soul and blues.  

The drinks continued. The music there stirred the soul.  

“May I have this dance?”  Jili nodded, taking Liam’s hand.   He held her close.  

Leo eyed Bebe.   “You know, I have always been one to have a huge case of FOMO.  So you and me let’s hit the dance floor too.”  

Bebe downed her drink in one swallow.  “Why the hell not.”  

They walked out to the dance floor.  With Bebe’s high heels Leo was chest level to her.  He pulled her close resting his head on her bosom.

“Um….so we’re doing this… okay…”  Bebe looked surprised but she was smiling.

Liam laughed softly when he glanced in their direction.

“I don’t think that was meant to go there.”  

“The height difference honestly never crossed my mind Jilian.  Things seemed really awkward for them for a bit, for more so Bebe.  Not so awkward now.”  

Bebe and Leo were looking at each other laughing.

“You know this is never going to happen Leo Rys.”  

“A man can dream.  Well….It could happen for the night.  I can tell you’re curious. Let me tickle your fancy tonight.”

Bebe laughed harder at him.  “You don’t give up do you Leo?”

“Nope because I get what I want.”    

“If nothing else Jilian, I think they will at least be friends from this, if nothing romantic happens.”

The next morning Liam was cooking  breakfast when Bebe walked out of Leo’s room. Leo’s sweatpants looked like capris on Bebe.  

“Good Morning Bebe. Would you like some breakfast?”  

“Sure.”

Leo walked out of the room a few minutes later.  

Liam smiled looking at the two of them.  

“Breakfast Leo?”  

“I already ate.”  Leo winked at Bebe.

Bebe choked on her orange juice.  

“Oh you were talking about bacon and eggs, sure.”  

Nope not at all awkward at all.  Liam thought as he fixed plates for himself Leo and Bebe.

Bebe was climbing in her ride share when her phone rang.

“Bebe… Liam just told me you had breakfast with him and Leo… at his apartment.  You spent the night with Leo?”  

“Leo was right, Jili.  Not all of him is fun sized.”

Tags in the comments !!!! 

[inkskinned]

okay. when you go invisible there’s pros and cons. for example, who is going to apologize when they bump into you. that sucks. on the other hand, you’ll never take an ugly picture again. so that’s good.

pupils, it turns out, are a pretty important part of the eye, and they are black for a reason. and when your eyes cannot take in light, they cannot see. so being invisible comes with blindness; a painful irony. everyone seems to want invisibility for spying, for watching unnoticed. but others are as invisible to you as you are to them. the world cannot see you and you cannot see the world.

you learn in the second year of invisibility how to move around. your hearing is better than good. truth be told, you’re still waiting for someone to notice you just disappeared one day. nobody really seems to. before it happened, once, on the last day of school the teacher took a poll. “flight or being invisible”. one girl said “you don’t need a superpower to be invisible” and that struck you in your bones.

okay. pros and cons. good news, no responsibilities. stealing is easy. bad news, it’s a lot harder to steal if you can’t see what you’re stealing. worse news, you're naked. you tried clothes a few times but haven’t made the move north to justify all the layers. where’s edna mode when you need her? you sigh loudly on a train. the person next to you jumps. you feel bad about that.

pros and cons. pros: your landlord hasn’t noticed. he thinks you’re very busy. cons: you are not that busy.

you’re kind of used to people bumping into you - you’re getting good at navigating around them - when the first person navigates around you. it takes you a while to notice what happened because you were busy thinking about carmilla again. for a month you retrace your steps, wondering if you’ll rediscover this mystery person.

you’ve lost all hope of it reoccurring - maybe it was a fluke? - when it happens again. this time, carefully, you follow them. they pick up the pace. soon the two of you are almost-running.

“why are you doing this?” her voice is young and angry. you’re stopped at a street crossing. “why would you chase a blind woman?”

oh you’ve made a huge mistake. oh god you’re literally the worst. you’re out of breath. “I’m ...” it’s been a while since you spoke, your voice comes out fringed and raw, “I’m sorry I just...” okay now it’s awkward. how are you supposed to say i’m invisible i was surprised you went around me.

actually, that’s what you say exactly. it kind of just slips out naturally.

she snorts, but she seems to calm down. maybe she takes it not-literally. “i can hear you. you’re practically stomping.” she smells good. like flowers and lemons.

“i’m sorry again,” you say, “just...” you clear your throat, “not a lot of people notice me.” yeah, that sounds better. phrased more... diplomatically.

“I did,” she says. “you could have just asked instead of chasing me.”

you cough. “yeah.” take a deep breath, “that was shitty of me. i’m sorry i just...” you’re just invisible, “you surprised me.” you’re sort of at a loss for words so you turn to leave. “anyway, thanks for seeing me.”

“i didn’t,” she reminds you, and you laugh. she lets out a little note. “can you... tell me when it’s safe to cross the street?”

actually. you can’t. whenever you cross, you mostly guess and hope and base it off of when other people go. how’s a car supposed to stop for someone it can’t see. 

“uhmmm,” you say. “i’m kind of...” you’re kind of also blind. 

but then you realize you hear people around you. “okay,” you say, praying you won’t accidentally kill the both of you, “um...” and you both stand there and wait.

for a while, this is your only interaction among the human species. you’re not really sure how much time passes - without the sun it’s always hard. you judge it by population density. have a bunch of clocks in your house that read out the time audibly. 

you find her again in a bakery. you almost bump into her. you sit in a table a few away from hers, even though you can’t eat in public. someone tries to sit on you. pros and cons: people try to sit on you, but you always get the meal for free.

the thing is, people often see blindness as some kind of disease they can catch. you hear them avoiding her. you feel their awkwardness as they serve her things, how they talk down to her or overexplain things. you want to explain it’s just a part of who she is. it doesn’t make her broken or untouchable. you feel a fire in you. a violence that has no outlet, only a rage at how unfair people are around those who are different.

“hey,” you don’t know when you made the choice to walk over, but you’re glad you did, “don’t i know you?”

you can hear her smile. “i don’t forget voices. you’re my stalker, correct?” i laugh. “go on,” she says, “go ahead and sit.” 

you fumble for the chair. you hear her motion for a waitress, but you clear your throat. “i already ate,” you say through a growling stomach, “just stopped to say hi.”

she’s quiet. you hear something, and then you’re struck in the face by an unidentified flying object. you eventually judge it to be a salt shaker.

“you’re blind,” she says.

“ouch,” you say.

it’s a beautiful friendship. you tell her you’re too shy to talk in public. you share books on tape and sculpture projects and you almost feel normal for a fraction of a second. you go to support groups where you talk about how the government systematically devours anyone on disability, how people treat you differently, how there are no disabled princesses coming out of disney. how all love stories about people like you are tragedies. you start to feel un-invisible. the others help you learn things like how to use technology that describes tv, how to read braille. you discover words are more beautiful in 3D. she’s by your side while you finally watch the carmilla movie in the quiet warmth of your apartment’s safety.

well. pros and cons, because that lasts for maybe two months before she finally realizes: “are you naked?”

yeah, you are. you had been wearing things every time you’d hung out, swinging it so you two were always alone, but then she wanted to go for a walk. now how are you supposed to explain left boob: out. “um,” you say. how do you phrase: i wasn’t joking about that invisible thing when we first met literally nobody can see me.

that’s exactly what you say. 

maybe you’re still learning the whole talking-to-people thing. 

at first, she laughs. then she sobers up. “but really,” she says. “have you been screwing with me?” 

your heart bangs oddly at the idea she thinks you’d hurt her like that. “no,” you promise, before she can get angry, “let me... show you,” your voice cracks, “please.”

she pauses. the silence is long. “okay,” she says at last. “but if you’ve been pretending this whole time, i’m never speaking to you again.”

so you hold her hand (why is your heart a million miles an hour? is it fear at telling the secret? is it fear at the idea she might not believe it?) and you show her as best as you’re able. you speak in public, levitate things. people scream or jump or leave the building. 

you take her back to the cafe where you met. you order a coffee. the boy behind the counter asks her how she ordered without moving her mouth. she says she’s an expert ventriloquist. you both sit down at a table. you fumble for the chair again. it feels very familiar.

“i’m sorry,” you choke out, keeping your voice low so it’s hidden under the cafe’s dull roar, “i didn’t mean to lie to you.”

“your entire body is sitting naked on a chair right now,” she replies, and then she can’t stop laughing. after a moment, you join in. something about her laughter is so incredibly infectious. 

once she’s calmed down, she orders a cocoa. there’s a long pause. “well, that’s a kick in the teeth,” she says, “talk about irony. nobody can see you, but you can see nobody.” she blows on her drink. “how have you not immediately used this for money.”

you laugh. then you both spend a day walking and planning while she pretends to talk into a bluetooth. she’s going to be a ventriloquist and you’ll pretend to be the dummy. she’s going to be a psychic and you’ll be the voice from the other side. she’ll get you both into the white house and you’ll follow certain people around whispering “tiny hands are the devil’s work”. you’ll be an international spy, but because you don’t have an unending fortune to get you out of treason, she’ll have to teach you how to be good at being quiet. you’ll both be an international blackmail syndicate that specifically targets those who are privatizing the education and medical systems. you’re going to expose big pharma. the whole time, her hand is in yours and your heart is beating loud, triumphant, she-must-hear-it.

you go home with her. you’ve both been listening to harry potter. you sit and drink margaritas and discuss your houses (you, hufflepuff, her, raven-dor) and “did you put your name in the goblet of fiya”. you talk about how malfoy deserved a better redemption arc and how snape deserves a swift kick to the balls. you get tipsy and laugh and dance and sing and wear clothes. 

there’s a sound and then you are hit in the face by an unidentified flying object which you eventually judge to be a pillow. “sorry” she says, “i was just checking.”

at two in the morning you’re lying on her bed and her head is on your lap. she asks you, finally, that question: “how did it happen?”

you clear your throat. “i don’t know,” you say. the truth is, you’d always been in the background. you have no idea how long you’d been fading for. how long before you just blipped on out of existence. just that you woke up blind and scared and eventually learned how to live with it.

you get choked up, talking about it. how some stuff didn’t even change a bit. how people you cared about didn’t even notice. how a lot of them never asked what happened. and then you say: “for a while i was fucked up about my last sunset.” you sigh. “i didn’t appreciate it.”

she wraps her hand into yours for comfort.

then you tell her: you learned about other things. how snow sounds when it’s falling, or the sound clean hair makes when shifting, or how people can feel happy, so much that they project it around them. 

you don’t say: and i met you. and it was all worth it.

for a long time - and now isn’t time moving so quickly - this is your nights, her at your place or the reverse, walking naked with her in the park and having conversations in public. you even put some of your crazy ideas in action. you never get good at spying, but you do scare the shit out of kids that try to harass your best friend (and she is, isn’t she, isn’t that what’s making your heart crazy and making it so you don’t stop thinking about her ever and making it so every time you’re near her or around her or reminded of her you end up smiling) and you do a great job during halloween when she paints your body so you can wear a costume and be seen - and you help her as best you’re able, always, your princess who saw you when you were invisible.

she’s laughing. it’s winter, so you’re wearing many layers for her, even though it makes you sweaty. you’re picking out a christmas tree, which she finds completely funny. the two of you are doing it by touch. she’s using words incorrectly to describe things. “this one is ... robust,” she’s saying, “a tarpaulin sort.” 

you snort. you have finagled it so it looks like your hands are in your coat pockets when they’re really out in the open, fondling branches lovingly. “he’s a beauty,” you say, “gregarious.”

she’s laughing that infectious laugh when you hear it: the snow, gently falling.

you sneak the scarf just a little off your face so you can feel it, somehow shocked at the cold. you let one land on your tongue. her hands find yours, both of you cold. “it’s snowing,” she laughs, and then her free hand finds your exposed face, “it’ll land on you and turn you into the abominable snowman.” her voice is gentle, and the air smells like pine, and you realize for the first time: you are in love.

and for a moment, you are lost, but then her fingers are gently pulling you forwards, and an unidentified flying object very pleasantly meets you in the face, her warmth and her joy and that infectious spirit, her lips better than any sunsets you have missed, her heart a hearth you can always find warmth in.

pros and cons, you think, when she pulls back, but you can’t think of a single con to go with it. you kiss her and kiss her and kiss her and buy the gregarious tree and kiss her and stop for cocoa and coffee and kiss her and don’t care who sees.

that christmas, the two of you have your friends over (what a phrase, what a kind of idea, what a big soulful event of your friends) and you kiss her under mistletoe and hear others say ugh finally and laugh and hold hands and make new plans together and you never seem to stop finding reasons to touch her, and the wild experience of her, and the earth seems to forgive you for ever thinking you were happy when this, this is happy.

in three years, on that day, you’re married; and somehow, someway, she’s more lovely every day.

[sunshineweb]

How I Invest (And Why You Should Not Care)

I tweeted this yesterday –

I keep my equity investing simple –

1. High quality + simple businesses only 2. Rarely buy, very very very rarely sell 3. Equal sizing of positions at cost 4. <15 stocks + <3 MFs 5. No AGMs, no concalls, only annual reports

Has worked really well for me for the past 18+ years.

— safalniveshak.com (@safalniveshak) May 26, 2021

The response the tweet received was beyond my expectations. Check out the tweet, a lot of questions people asked, and my responses. Hope they are of some help to you.

Here is a little explanation on each point –

1. High quality + simple businesses only Here is what I mean by high quality (blue and green boxes are where I stay) –

Apart from good ROCE, profit growth, clean balance sheet, and good cash-generating capacity, I am also looking for a business that sells simple stuff, the nature of which is not likely to change drastically over the next few decades (but who knows!), and which also has a good growth runway ahead. Plus, the management has a good capital allocation track record and scores high on the integrity front. I do not have the heart or the intelligence to invest in ‘potential’ turnarounds or cyclical businesses. I avoid industries that I do not understand much – pharma, banking and finance, commodities – or business houses I do not trust much.

I do not put much weight on market capitalization while choosing stocks (have a mix of large, mid and small caps in my portfolio), except that I avoid penny stocks or those with low capitalization (like less than Rs 500 crore). Again, it’s a matter of personal comfort.

2. Rarely buy, very very very rarely sell I maintain a watchlist of stocks, which is largely a result of this process –

I buy stocks only when I find opportunities at valuations I am willing to pay. And when I say I buy stocks ‘rarely,’ such opportunities anyways do not come often. So the last time I bought a lot of stocks (mostly from among my existing holdings) was in March-April 2020. And then there has been a long period of inactivity.

As far as selling is concerned, I try to pick stocks that I would not have to sell, even when they become what people call ‘overpriced.’ Till a business continues to stand good on my quality parameters, I continue to hold. Else, when a stock becomes a large part of my portfolio (like more than 20%, I sell a part for rebalancing purpose). Here is my selling checklist anyways –

3. Equal sizing of positions at cost This is also a result of my need for keeping things very simple. I try to keep a maximum of 15 stocks in my portfolio and so the aim is to have not more than 6-7% of the total portfolio (which is 100% divided by 15 stocks) in each stock at cost (when I am buying a stock). Some stocks can go to 8-10% at cost, but those are rare.

Remember, I am talking about equal sizing at the ‘cost’ level and not the ‘current value’ level. My 6-7% holding at cost may grow to 15-20% and because of that some other holdings may come down to 4-5%, but that is not what I am tracking.

I agree that position sizing – which involves allocating capital as per your conviction with each idea – is a critical component of investing, but that is when you are doing it professionally or are full-time into it. Equal sizing – not worrying about individual positions, but ensuring that each stock idea is worth having in the portfolio – has worked well for me, and so that is what I continue with.

4. This is easy, and is again a result of my need to keep things simple. I have gone to 16-17 stocks sometimes, but have mostly kept it under 15. With two human kids and a pet at home, I find it difficult to manage more than 15 more crazy ones in my portfolio.

As for the mutual funds, again I try to keep the list small. One of the three funds is an ELSS (for tax-saving purpose) and the other two are diversified equity schemes. Mutual funds are around 10% of my equity portfolio, and I use them as a diversification tool (like international stocks, smarter people managing a part of my savings, etc.).

5. No AGMs, no concalls, only annual reports One, I am lazy enough to attend AGMs and conference calls. Two, I have been there done that for the first eight years of my investment career – while working on a job – and find not much incremental value in these events and activities. Third, for the kind of businesses I want to own, annual reports do a decent enough job. Fourth, I have also set Google Alerts for companies in my portfolio and watchlist and so if there is an important, meaningful news on them, I receive them anyways.

This is not to say that AGMs and conference calls are not important. They may be for you. For me, annual reports are enough.

Wait, What’s My CAGR? Well, what I just described above has worked really well for me for the past 18+ years. And this has helped me earn enough to pay all my liabilities, quit my job, work on things I love, rarely “work,” spend time with my loved ones without worrying where the next paycheque will come from, have 55388 unread emails in my inbox and still get away with it (though I sincerely apologize to those whose emails I have not answered yet), and freely write this post (with a cheeky headline) without the guilt of anything in it being made-up, because nothing is.

Now, who cares about CAGRs anyways?

Investing, my dear friend, is a very personal and lonely affair. I enjoy this loneliness – solitude – and also the simplicity that allows me to focus on more important things in life. This is ‘my’ way of doing things.

Your way is your way. If you know what you are doing, do it. Without any guilt.

Nobody cares. In a few years, even you won’t.

So, play your part and enjoy till it lasts.

* * * That’s about it from me for today.

If you liked this post, please share with others on WhatsApp, Twitter, LinkedIn, or just email them the link to this post.

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Stay safe.

Until next time, Vishal

The post How I Invest (And Why You Should Not Care) appeared first on Safal Niveshak.

How I Invest (And Why You Should Not Care) published first on https://mbploans.tumblr.com/

[titheguerrero]

Dander Up, Down, and All Around

Today's topics: VA health care politics; a clear-eyed and sane report from a bastion of managerialism, with related observations on innovators trying to create real bottom-up value.

It's the last day of the year, so let's get this done. Owing to various largely unforeseen challenges, happily now largely behind us, this "Dander" series was interrupted for some time. Apologies to anyone who noticed. In any case, to refresh: as Chief Blogger and FIRM president Dr. Poses has indicated often enough in these pages, health care developments raising our dander are still everywhere, all the time, and on the increase. Nothing particularly new here. Certainly not new since the 2016 election.

Except that in our current situation--inter-woven social (read: inequality) and political (read: everything inside the Beltway morphing from mere swamp to crazed greased pig trough)--the health sector is triply hard-hit. Really, it gets old to keep on playing nay-saying Cassandra. It's not normal.

Thus today in America the patient can't catch a break. For health care probably more than in any other first world country where budgets are still overstretched not to mention much lower, and where technology is just as uncooperative. Will the yellow-vests to come out on the streets over it, as they recently did over social engineering from the folks who gave us Freedom Fries? (Maybe up to three guys: John Roberts and Trump's two new USSC nominees, as ACA makes its way to them yet again.)

No need to hyperlink the following examples. Everyone's immersed in them.

Obamacare imperiled by twisted politics and jurisprudence, even though its recent mild decline in enrollments probably means little or nothing and the body politic wants it.

Ultra-right wingnuts flexing muscle by urging the dismissal of the capable (and quite religious) head of the National Institutes of Health. Why? Stem cell research, a promising technology that's run afoul of some ideological right wing evangelical cant.

Net-net, IT's impact on health care, coming as much from the well meaning elitist left as from the elitist right, still negative. It enriches tech- and health-organizational CEOs while patient satisfaction, provider satisfaction and life expectancy all three tank. (I know, it's complicated--we also got that opiate crisis.)

Corruption in government, tech, hospitals and big pharma: can you spell "conflict of interest"? Read pretty much any recent posting in Health Care Renewal.

I could waffle on and on. But instead of that let me focus today on one thing that's got my dander up and another that's actually tamped it down a bit.

The VA, yet again. No doubt, forever. Or, Why's the VA Such a Punching Bag?

Dr. Poses has been feeding me troves of data and news about the VA. I'm happy now to report just a few highlights. Oh, wait: lowlights. Dreary as ever. Ever since our Fearless Leader fired the capable David Shulkin, the question rings ever louder, "how bad can it get?" We now know the answer seems to be: bottomless pit.

Here are some of the lowlights. Bear in mind that, rightly or wrongly (we think mostly wrongly), Shulkin is now being blamed for all these deficiencies at the VA. Despite the facts that he was hamstrung from the get and that the VA was, like the EPA and others, one of the places where tge White House allowed chaotic privatization to run amok. We're in a fun-house mirror version of Ronald Reagan's "government is the problem."

Suicide Watch. Under this administration, while suicality remains rampant among veterans of recent Forever Wars, the VA has fallen down grievously on the job of addressing it. Last month's report from the government's own GAO confirms this.

Privatization Writ Large. Privatization initiatives, so dear to the hearts of cronies and lobbyists, are already in big trouble. Trump's own hand-picked successor to Shulkin recently had to admit to Contress the “The [VA] was taken advantage of because of the hasty nature that took place when the program was put together." Not budget dust, either: the agency paid out nearly $2B-with-a-'B' in unnecessary fees for these private booking "services." (In fairness let's put a little parenthetical note in here. As a former employee I know the VA itself causes unnecessary care delays. Service-connected disability ratings impede scheduling, as do salaried physicians' myriad ploys for putting the brakes on their own performance.)

Privatization Writ Small. Still, this privatization thing is a great example of two-wrongs-don't make-a-right. ProPublica informs us that what's "actually happened in the four years since the government began sending more veterans to private care: longer waits for appointments and, a new analysis of VA claims data by ProPublica and PolitiFact shows, higher costs for taxpayers." Can the VA claim better outcomes using any parameter at all? I think not.

Mar-A-Lago. Lots more VA stories are leaking out. None are especially edifying. But in some ways the most alarming and tawdry among them is that surrounding the troika of unelected Florida golfing buddies. For months or more now they've been calling a lot of that agency's shots. Direct line to the White House, demonstrable responsiveness on the part of VA apparat. Maybe the crowning glory in this administration's reputation for cronyism, this group--comics mogul Ike Perlmutter (you can't make this stuff up), Palm Beach MD Bruce Moskowitz and lawyer Marc Sherman, collectively known as the "shadow rulers"--have pushed a lot of policies and expenditures for the VA with zero expertise. Unless a lousy golf handicap counts as expertise. Democrats have vowed a response in the new Congress, and we can only hope Speaker Pelosi prioritizes that. I think when it comes to Pelosi versus Ike's Marvel Avengers, the lady wins hands down. The conservative (and probably still somewhat Moonie) Washington Times reports this will happen in the first half of 2019--both from the GAO and the House Oversight Committee. These guys are super bad COI news, having weighed in with their scant expertise on way too much down to VA job candidates.

The worst-of-the-worst for this poor agency is how the Shadow Rulers have gummed up its use of technology, especially IT. A little background: the VA was the one organization within the entire US Government that developed, back in the day with its VISTA technology, a fairly creditable in-house electronic medical record. VISTA, along with DOD's AHLTA (get it?) were supposed to play nice together but, despite billions in earlier expenditures, never did. VISTA might have survived but, starting with Shulkin (and probably predecessors) got deep-sixed by the bogus attractiveness of private-side EMRs. GE had its hands in there for a while: it deserves what it got. Now Cerner, the main vendor rival to the privately-held Wisconsin cult vendor Epic, has the inside track for crafting a workable EMR for the VA. But the Boys from Mar-A-Lago want to micro-manage this? Why? Earlier this month ProPublica disclosed part of the reason based upon FOIA-obtained emails. The doc among the troika has his own mobile app. Here's how it went down.

[N]ewly released emails also detail Moskowitz’s effort to get the VA and Apple to adapt his app. As a VA IT official described it in a May 2017 email, 'We are utilizing the native iOS mobile app, Emergency Medical Center Tracker, that Dr. Moskowitz developed.' VA health officials offered their own ideas for how a collaboration with Apple could benefit veterans, such as working on credentialing, data exchange and analytics, and suicide prevention research. But Moskowitz rejected the VA doctors’ ideas in favor of his own. 'These are good areas but not the emergency ones which my group of experts have identified,' he said in a May 2017 email. 'I sent an email to outline the recommendations.'

 'Nuff said. As someone who cared for thousands of veterans, I can't begin to describe how galling this is, even if the new guy, Wilkie, says he's trying to right the ship. While blaming his predecessors. If these gentlemen from Florida--that bastion of fair elections and cost effective medicine--were instead gumming up Medicare, threatening the health of parents and grand-parents of business leaders, dot-commers, millennials and trust-funders, we'd have heard a lot more hue and cry about the VA and its shadow rulers. Now I Pat Down my Dander. Soothing Words from Unlikely Places.  Oddly enough, the worlds of IT--absent the shameful events described above in connection with the VA--and management are beginning to pull themselves out of their torpor. Under the dual impact of the HITECH and ACA enactments, the IT and management communities strove for years to accommodate to this brave new world of individual mandates and EMR meaningful use, and the result was rather anechoic. One heard little complaining about the baleful effects of the IT pall dropped into the doctor-patient relationship. That's changing now, and the signs are everywhere, though sometimes hard to parse. Nailing down the how and why of this change can be difficult, but the effects of "unusability" are emerging into a vocal majority consensus. "Thought leaders" such as Robert Wachter and Donald Berwick have exerted part of this impulse to call a spade a spade in the interest of QI, citing, among other things, generational change. Smartphone users and tech-savvy students and house staff are much less likely to tolerate the Some of those properly impatient young innovators--and I don't mean the septuagenarian Moskowitz--went on to found start-up companies that are starting to move tecnology out of its old, enormously dreary meaningful-use rut. They're bringing patients--"engagement" the new meme--back into the narrative. What is this new narrative. The rather staid and managerialist health IT society, HIMSS, has this to say, couched in classic bureau-speak jargon, in its 2019 conference agenda, "6 Health Information and Technology Topics to Immerse Yourself in at HIMSS19." Translations into English follow.

Strategic Patient Experience Improvement (help the doctor with her workflow)

Aim for Secure Accessibility (make everything more secure)

Mapping a Vision to the New Consumer Landscape (improve revenue cycles)

Moving Precision Medicine into Primary Care (make "precision" medicine, whatever that is, or at least AI, work better--maybe with smart guidelines--for primary care providers)

Contextualizing AI for Healthcare (ok, we know that AI is really important)

Exploring the Pharma-Provider-Payer Relationship: the Last Step to True Value-Based Care (get everybody working together better now that fee-for-service care is giving way to bundling)

Stripping away the cant, these are actually pretty lofty goals and show HIMSS coming into its own. Charge capture, upcoding, and dashboards for managers watching 30-day readmission tallies begin to sound so 20th century. Care coordination from the bottom up, not just the top down, begins to appear more attractive as studies start to show that top down doesn't always work all that well. (Caveat: read the whole piece, not just the online abstract. JAMA is behind a paywall.) And the leadership is coming in some cases from outside classic health IT vendor-land, notably from innovation centers cropping up among many providers and payers.

Meanwhile, on just about a daily basis I learn about a new start-up addressing these issues, often based on newer concepts and approaches to workflow as ecological reflection of a unified community-wide integrated health care system.

Moving from encouraging specifics about health care realities and IT start-ups addressing them, to the more general and philosophical matter of why it's taken so long to get to this place, I conclude by drawing the reader's attention to some recently emerging, and highly salutary, public intolerance to bullshit. (Can this be a result of the clearly emerging disgust with insufferable politicians broadly speaking?)

The problem of obfuscation using bullshit, though it goes well back into the mid-20th century, was most famously addressed in the elegant short book On Bullshit published well over a decade ago by emeritus Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt. The latest incursion of vocal objection to nonsense in health care comes from a source that some might've considered heretofore unlikely: a couple of senior Wharton management professors. Though Lawton Burns and Mark Pauly barely mention their Princeton forebear in a secondary footnote, they nonetheless deserve an enormous shout-out for bringing attention to Detecting BS in Health Care. No paywall: use the link and download it now.

Burns and Pauly bring out all the other B's: to start with, buzzwords, bullets (silver), best (practices) and bandwidth. Lots of others. The one B they like: bottom-up. So do I. Hard to know how firmly the Burns and Pauly tongues were planted in the Burns and Pauly cheeks, but by cracky they surely know they're right about this. Common sense solutions so clearly and frequently give way to self-dealing and managerialist me-tooism in health care. Those who benefit from such nonsense have been called out often in this blog. But we can hope they now know not only are a few doctors now on to them, but some clearer-headed individuals from the management establishment as well.

Article source:Health Care Renewal