#i played 15min of cello today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

natandacat · 2 years

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The levels of stress I'm under are medically contraindicated so I'm making myself not be stressed by just embracing the idea of complete failure and powerlessness. Is it working? Mostly. My ability to focus on work is gone tough so that's annoying (I say while procrastinating on homework by writing this)

#just bitching #i can't even have a little beer to relax CMON #medical #i played 15min of cello today #im ecstatic that i can play again but its so frustrating like makes me wants to cry but i cant frustrating #that i cant play more than 15 minutes #i lost all my calluses too #the cello is just so important to me people dont get it #its like if you couldnt like. smile or laugh or cry anymore imagine that it would suck #im not even making art like when id raw or write its literally not even art to me its just me #i hate that i cant play 1h+ a day rn #like i dont need MORE grief like please thats jhst so much grief #i hate being physically disabled it sucks so fucking much #and i have to perform so that my uni doesnt kick me out and i cant speak up about the daily horrible ableism #no matter how demeaning and isolating #love being expendable. love being seen as an acceptable sacrifice #love being told i have nothing to contribute since i cant go to abled spaces that literally threaten my life #love that when i say those spaces dont have to be that life threatening in which case i could evolve in them im literally ignored #eyes shift conversations ends #'thats crazy' they say before dismissing my experience. yeah. it truly is crazy

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