cheatsykoopa98 · 5 months ago
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1 AM ramble but someone just pointed out to me you can see zooble's room in their pin wrapping background
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not only do we get to see what their room looks like, we also get an official look of the zooble box, and a mirror for them to look at themself. now I think this might be important. pomni had a scene in ep 1 where she looks at the mirror in disbelief that she looks like that now, and we know zooble changes their parts every day. I think caine did that to "help" zooble with figuring out their gender identity, which maybe or not be helping, considering what I hear of people experiencing gender dysphoria not liking to see themselves in the mirror.
and I do think the mirror is important, we get to see a little bit of the others' bedrooms as well, kaufmo, ragatha and gangle's, and none of them have mirrors from what I can see. maybe caine noticed pomni looking in the mirror and thought pomni might want one in her room just like zooble, not realizing pomni probably hates to look in the mirror and not see herself
also lets look at the other characters bedrooms
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ragatha seems to be very tidy (assuming everyone has to clean up their rooms and considering how messy pomni's room is) and not have that much stuff. a box of toys that she might or not play with considering its positioned as a seat for the piano. we dont know if she knows how to play (according to goose she knows the cello, so she could know the piano as well) and having so little fingers in her hand might actually not let her play the piano properly. caine could have just heard she likes music and put a piano in her room. also notice the piano is in the middle of the room taking center stage and we cant see a bed (yet). ragatha has mentioned nobody needs to sleep even though they can. do you think she (tries to) play the piano at night while everyone else assumedly sleeps? there is a song sheet at the piano but I cant read if it has an actual song name written on it.
also she has a shelf full of things that might be of her interest or template things caine put there. like balls of yarn, books, a gloink (how did she have a gloink before ep 1?) and a framed picture, which if it has an actual photo of someone there could open up a lot of theories to who is there. also the gloink being there points to either ragatha having already lived through a gloink adventure and keeping one in her room or keeping one after an adventure where she was hurt by kaufmo and abandoned by pomni. why would she want to keep it if thats the case?
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gangle's room is very dark with black walls. we cant see much but I believe she is in a really deeper depression than pomni. I believe to the point where she doesnt have the energy to try to escape, just mask as much as she can before her happy mask is broken again, poor gangle :/
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we dont get to see kinger or jax's room, even though I think there is a kinger door in the corridor. maybe kinger is too paranoid to sleep in his room. jax's only shows his door with the void breaking into view. maybe we wont get to see his room until the very end. also I remember there was a theory jax knows where the exit is, but doesnt leave. I dont think its true considering goose said jax deserves to be stuck in the circus, implying he cant leave just like everyone, but since he "has keys to everywhere", what if he has been to the void without caine knowing? pomni never made it through the end but if jax did, maybe what he saw there pushed him to be how he is now. maybe he doesnt see hope in escaping and thats why he turns into such a bad person, he could be a nihilist in that way
anyway sorry for the long post, I just had a bunch of ideas popping up in my head from this little detail I should have noticed when pomni's pin was released
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not only do we get to see her room but we also see the blocks spelling CBA, not sure if the B is supposed to count or not but its the second time pomni is associated with C&A, I do believe she was an employee there
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crguang · 25 days ago
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Okay sat, I might’ve forgotten to my anon mark at the end of my last message aand I’ve reread part 4 like 5 times, but still, 
what the fuck, literally was thinking abt it in all my classes. And I will be yapping, as I guessed.
First of all, fuck Kafka really wish I was tbh she is so annoying, like just assuming r isn’t that upset, like they’re just having a little argument when r is grappling w the fact that they fell for a criminal, and literally killed their coworkers and a ton of other people, she is pissing me off. Also the stuff abt Kafka and her nihilism…giving me some thoughts. Btw have himeko and Kafka encountered each other in this, or has Himeko just heard abt her? And shes so nice, calling r everyday and being so understanding…
I can’t imagine what Kafka did when she found out she got blocked. Her going to text u and then realizing she’s blocked…kafka pausing when she sees that r blocked her. Kafka waiting to get unblocked as she orders gifts for u, who keeps checking her phone for messages from u as she sends more gifts, reminiscing abt when your first met in the store, silver wolf and blade noticing how Kafka seems to be waiting for smth, Kafka who decides to text you on an encrypted number to see how you’re doing, Kafka who sees that she isn’t forgiven and orders so many fucking flowers bc she didn’t know ur favorite. Ugh I can imagine her bringing all of them into r’s house, god she’s pathetic, I need to kiss her so bad so she shuts the fuck up.
anyway I may or may not have started writing a Kafka fic 👀 tbh I don’t rlly read romance novels so idk how the typical academic rivals thing usually works, trope wise. For some reason I keep fixating on her fucking nails. Like to me, she has them manicured all fancy, but Im fairly certain shorter not manicured nails are better for fingering. On her violin ofc, obviously. I played cello middle and high school, and I kept them long, bc I liked scratching people don’t ask I was a strange kid, but I feel like she’d keep them short bc she’s rlly serious abt it. Also Kafka is so dislikable, her ego is so big, and she’s always calm, like if she didn’t look like she was trying and still top of the class it’d piss me off too 😭
Also in the wardence event rn, I haven’t played it bc I’ve been sleeping or smth like that, but silver wolf shows up 😭 like ik it makes the most sense, since she has holograms but Kafka showed up as a hologram once ok 😭 but what silver said is like “i heard u we’re joining the wardence, and two whose names I won’t mention insisted I go check on you. Why couldn’t they do it themselves.” Ugh Kafka is so obvious it’s actually gonna kill me. And yes wtf couldn’t Kafka have showed up, she’s worth like 11 billion, so ik she can’t show up all the but cmon. 
-🌠
hehfjfjgjfjfj posting a new chapter and having ppl go “man fuck kafka” is funny as hell because honestly, yeah, fuck her😭 i think it was important for me to portray how her personality can be irritating in certain contexts and how being with her really wouldn’t be bliss all the time cause she doesn’t deal with emotions much, and that includes others’. she’s not totally detached from them which is why she does try but it’s very clumsy. it’ll be elaborated on in the next part but in her mind she really has picked the best outcome here and even if she was acting in her own interest, she was protecting R, she’s just an information hoarder. being on the opposite side means you dont know wtf is going on in her head and cant explain her behavior as anything else but “she doesn’t give a shit about me”. it’s an interesting situation to write that’s for sure but im glad that her efforts, though genuine, make yall feel irritated bc thats the point hehe
what i wrote about kafka’s nihilism was not entirely true, and i did it on purpose because R doesn’t know her. i do think that nihilism/finality creates a certain distance between her and accountability. when you tell yourself that this outcome was always a possibility, that it could have happened anyway, the choice you make is no longer fully yours which means that the consequences aren’t fully on your shoulders as well. i think that makes it easier for the stellaron hunters to do what they do, that and the goal they’re working towards that is supposedly the best outcome for humanity. but kafka is anything but passive. she is not “subjected” to things, she has an active role in her future and the ones of the millions of people that it touches within the constraints of destiny. i think with nihilism it’s easy to fall into a state of learned helplessness, where you suffer through the things happening to you because “nothing matters” and “it was going to happen anyway”, but kafka is not like that at all. “if destiny doesn’t propel me forward, i’ll be the one to push destiny”— this is what she does, so describing her as a drop in the ocean isnt entirely accurate because she’s making waves. R will learn that
himeko and kafka have crossed paths canonically before the trailblazer so it’s the same in this. i like that himeko has an opinion of kafka that has been cemented through their brief meetings over the time. in that one “keeping up with star rail” where kafka’s kit is presented, hime has a lot of shit to say about her 😭 all bad. she’s also aware that kafka plays mind games in it so really for her to hear “kafka manipulated me” was like “fork found in kitchen” there’s no surprise there. one of my favorite qualities in hime is her understanding and ability to understand multiple perspectives at once, it develops her already deep empathy and its just very admirable. shes a very soft character, i love her
AND YESSSSS SHE DEFINITELY REACTED LIKE THAT TO BEING BLOCKED HDJFJFKKG she stared at her phone like “oh. they’re really mad” and decided to give them a few days to cool off which is why she sent the first gift and after that she’d be wondering whether to text you or not for like a week; would open her phone, type in your number, pause for ten seconds then go “they’re probably still upset” and send another gift. silver wolf would be like “damn youre on your phone as often as i am. whats wrong with you” and firefly’s eventually the one telling her to go there herself to apologize and not wtv tf shes doing which is why kafka finally texts 😭 shes funny asf. the sheer ridiculousness of ordering hundreds of flowers and taking over half an hour to place them inside your apartment (that she technically broke into) to surprise you is so patheticcccc i would have swooned a bit im sorry. like omg youre pathetic get out of my house but also kiss me before you go… “forget it i’ll just get all of them” can she die 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
aaaaa im glad you have time to write the academic rivals au!! typically people have the rivals work together in some sort of assigned group project to force them to interact together but you can go about it differently, like one of them’s practicing for a big piece and the other gets to the practice room too late but but the others are taken and they have to practice the same thing anyway so might as well. or the mc is struggling and kafka happens to pass by and give her some (snarky) pointers which turns into her showing her how its done and the mc actually learning from her (which would make me homicidal). they could also just happen to meet outside of the school context and start developing a new relationship that way. do what feels right!! and yeah, kafka’s nonchalance makes it seem like shes effortlessly good when in reality she takes that shit seriously and practices often😭 it’d still piss me off tho idc
silver wolf showed up in the other event and its just so ridiculous how they always have her everywhere man😭 like fine she’s always keeping up with new games coming out and shit but would it kill them to show kafka once im gonna tear my hair out, we even got to text firefly during the wardance like im gonna screammmm. but kafka and her sending SW to check ip on the tb is so stupid they care so bad😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 typical of kafka not to show or text herself i need to strangle her. the lufou hates her tho so it’s WHATEVER.
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gelarshiesprofruitboarder · 8 months ago
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haedcanoms ..... fro anyome yuo can thimkdj of 🙏🙏🙏🙏💥💯💯
this is gonna be. a big block of text. uve enabled me and now im gonna talk for forever. uh. :3333 (also a shit ton of my hcs are just me projecring shjt so.)
okayyyy uh. dave went to private school for like. 4 years. he didnt follow any rules and wouldve definitly gotten expelled ljke 2 weeks in but bro strider is. so fucking rich so he just payed to keep him kn. he still had to wear those stupid ass uniforms tho and now he absolutely hates wearing polo shirts. fuckinf despises them.
sollux??? massive h*r fan he makes a shit ton of uber obscure references that like no one gets but him and he makes liek anyone hes ever had a positive interaction with watch it. aradia also likes it bc he made it like impossible not to if youre close enough to him. he kinda got terezi in2 it and she really likes trogdor.ike REALLY likes trogdor.
speaking of aradia and sollux aradias like a massive goth music fan and they listen to that stuff together like all the time. he listens to more,,, mainstream ig stuff regularly but then aradia makes him listen to her entire collection whenever theyre together
Jane can speak french,,, shes not french or anything in thr SLIGHTEST but she learned it bc like. idk desserts are french sometimes. and she just randomly starts speaking french to be annoying n fuck with ppl. roxys learned a little bit from her so sometimes she does too but. rarely.
terezi sollux and feferi friendship 🙏🙏 thsyre so. important to me. i dont remember how much they imteract all together in canom ik jts at least once but... theyre literally a version of the primary colors please thsyrs so friedn group that youd think would hate eachother but they surprisingly dont
jane crochets also alongside baking. she makes people shit like. all the time and probably spends way too much on yarn. she does it while watching all those dumb sitcoms??? whatever theyte called (like parks and rec and arrwsted development and the good place. that stuff). she also sometimes hamgs out with rose and they crochet/knit together
dirk and roxy make like the most shitpost stupid meme references (more often roxy) and like no one else gets them or rreally finds them funny bc theyre all from like. 2009. or ehatever while roxy n dirk are from. the future (i forgot when and no im not lokking jt up) roxy especially has like. dumb tumblr humor and will say the weirdest shit and no one will get it except dirk
feferi sends sollux videos like "t)(is reely reminds me of you ♥️" and then its a 5 minute jerma laighing at car crashes compilation or some shit.
dave makes that type of music that either sounds like actual shit or really good depending on the person. like uber expirimental fucked up random sfx dumbest lyrics ever etc etc (idk how to describe it but like. if uve listened to like.... queef jerkey thats what im imagining)
if were imagining that quest for the missing spoon exists in homestuck (since the comics do, plus theres other stuff like movies and plushes) dirk definityly had the pepsi blue chilis centerfold cutout on his wall. i also think him and maybe roxy??? quote that shit like not even on purpose CONSTANTLY since it was such a big franchise. also i think itd be funny if people talked ab it like how they talk ab harry potter and shit like "oh my god im SUCH a geromy."
aradia plays cello. like this absolutely fucking massive one too thats like deep reddish wood and its heavy as hell and it shouldnt be feesibly possible for her to carry it around but she can skmehos??? and shes really fucking good too. she likes 2 play for fer friends n partners
feferi adores tmbg esp their earlier stuff but she likes it all. shes got a playlist of every single one of their songs she could get ahold of and badically only listesns to that one playlist. she also knows a shit ton about the band itself and knows fun facts about like every song and will NOT hesitate to infodump whenever something slightly related comes up in conversation.
sollux LOVES classic tetris hes extremely fucking good at it and knows how to do all the weird shit w/ the controller like hypertapping and rolling and honestly probably made up something new. he basically only plays past killscreen (he found an nes somehow and hacked jt to let him start anywhere) and is the type of guy to be like "Oh yeah thii2 2hiit2 ea2y here II'll giive you a begiinner level two." and then. start you at level 29.
i have more i think but i cant remember any besides like "__ is a fan of "__ !!!!!" bc i just live projecting my interests onto characters. again sorry for so many words um. 💔
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windypuddle · 2 years ago
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Ensemble Stars!! > Bungou Stray Dogs, Part 4
This one’s unfortunately also a bit of a doozy to explain, even though it’s smaller. beware of lore.
(A continuation of my Enstars as BSD AU, see other parts below) 
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 5]
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once again... so sorry about the formatting. this was going to be very different, as you might guess from the arrangement of character roles. i ended up not having enough characters that fit (and then realized i had extra characters in the agency and guild, but oh well)
look i don’t even want to deal with bram and all that nonsense. with regards to AUs, i usually give up around the current arc. this has to do with how i remake the narrative slightly based on the new characters and dynamics, and i can’t do that if i dont know where the actual canon narrative is going. that being said, the decay of angels are involved in a few arcs that have already wrapped up, so thats all good and fine and workable.
Eichi is an idealist. we all know this from enstars canon. everyone knows this. its the whole reason there’s a plot. it’s just that here he takes the idealism to the level of terrorism. he seeks the book out of a desire for equality, or at least that’s what he tells everyone; in fact it is a desperate and selfish quest to cheat death by rewriting his own fate. he hates his own ability and he hates this cruel world and he hates his illness and this is his way of fixing all of the above.
bonus: he has proper cello posture (i’ve seen some of y’all complain about fyodor)
Wataru is so important too. listen to me. listen closely. this whole au started because i was reading the tempest night story and could not stop making connections between wataei and fyolai. so there you have it. that’s why this AU exists. gay people. Wataru is extremely dedicated to both Eichi and his own constant performance. it is a cage of his own making.
the eccentrics had kind of an informal alliance, about 10 years before canon (to clarify: we’re going with closer to bsd ages ranges here, which means Wataru Shu and Kanata are all around 26 at the time of the main events) but what with the war, they drifted apart. the others view Wataru joining Eichi’s cause as a little bit of a betrayal.
Yuzuru... yeah he’s kind of just there. the decay of angels (a) plays up the angel motif already associated with fine and (b) is generally looking to rearrange the current social structure. Yuzuru is hoping this goal will Fix Everything and get Tori to leave the mafia. (tori is having fun lol)
Tatsumi, as a good Christian boy, is easily radicalized. He spread (admittedly hypocritical) anti-Ability teachings in Europe for a period of time, citing the war as evidence that Abilities cause ruin. He collected a decent following, who mobilized, cultlike, to go after Ability users. they captured Kaname at a certain point in time, and the mafia rescued him, which got him involved and indebted to the mafia. to try and repay this, Kaname went after the cult himself, and was killed. this made Tatsumi reevaluate his goals and join the guild. After his colleagues in the Guild were injured in the conflict, Eichi recruited him for the Decay of Angels with the promise of being rid of all his past crimes and helping
Tsumugi is the one who enables this, as his ability is the Perfect Crime: the one that erases all evidence. goddammit Eichi stop collecting people who are unhealthily devoted to you. eventual redemption arc with the mystery trio but its switch.
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backfliips · 1 year ago
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getting emo thinking about how important music has been in my life
putting a read more so i dont ramble on peoples dashboards
music has just been such a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember... I started playing instruments at a very young age, apparently one of the first big memories my parents have of my childhood is me playing our piano without any training and getting songs right bc I can play from ear which I think is a pretty solid way to demonstrate just how important music is for how i process things
i started playing the cello later when i was in 2nd grade and even though i have a LOT of trauma associated with the cello and orchestra in general it's still something I really want to return to someday... orchestra without the competitive edge feels almost heavenly, it's so amazing to make music as a part of a group... cello practice with my dad was probably the worst part of my childhood I still feel so much dread when I think about it. I was basically a prodigy from the beginning and because I set a high standard at the start my dad expected the same rate of improvement forever after that, and it was also coupled with him teaching me based on what he had read and observed rather than through his own experience playing a string and bow instrument, so he thought the techniques were easy and me not immediately being able to implement them was me not paying attention to or caring about what he was saying, so he'd get upset and insult me and say that I was terrible/lazy/awful/etc. for not listening to him ad not trying hard enough, and then I would get upset and cry and go nonverbal because I was like 8 and upset, and then he would get upset because I got upset and refuse to engage with me or quit with the insults until I could get my face back to a neutral position. so. I have a lot of emotional trauma around cello practice. but. that being said I do really miss playing it for fun. I was honestly very good at it. I would be better if I picked it up again and started playing.
I started playing the guitar when I was young too, my dad taught me how to fingerpick and now it's something I strongly associate with the good parts of my relationship with him while the cello I associate with the bad parts (cello practice with him was like extremely emotionally traumatic for me + my biggest trigger now as an adult is any sort of verbal berating while someone is playing an instrument, which is an extremely specific trigger and yet I found it while watching The Perfection --- great movie by the way i still highly recommend it --- so I know it's something that still affects me a lot)
But anyways, onto the rest of my tragic backstory :
When my parents finally split up when I was younger I channeled everything into the music I listened to and mother mother had such an iron grip on my head because I KNEW i was mentally ill in some way but I didn't know how to express it and I was so emotionally stunted and removed from my parents (see former experience with emotions around my dad) (and now they were getting a very very very messy and traumatic divorce and I didn't want to make things harder on anyone because I thought everything happening around me was my fault all of the time) (repeat ad infinitum) and mother mother expressed so much of what I was feeling and it just helped me process so much. When I moved out of my childhood home into my great grandmother's basement (which was literally hell for me like every morning i would watch to see if she was breathing to make sure I wasn't walking into a room with a corpse in it and it was so far away from my friends and i felt so isolated and sad and terrible all of the time and it was filled with mold and i was rotting there) I would just listen to music so much and it was like one of the only things that could take me out of the situation I was in.
I realized I was trans sometime before I moved out of my childhood home, maybe a year or two before then, and mother mother really helped me process that too thanks body by mother mother
When i got into high school i started to branch out a bit more and started listening to metal and found ghost which really impacted my artwork and just made me feel better about life in general
and now I just love music so much. One day I hope I can learn to mix and produce music so I can compose some stuff for myself.
anyways there isnt much of a point to this other than to say that music is a big part of my life and i love it a lot
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natandacat · 2 years ago
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The levels of stress I'm under are medically contraindicated so I'm making myself not be stressed by just embracing the idea of complete failure and powerlessness. Is it working? Mostly. My ability to focus on work is gone tough so that's annoying (I say while procrastinating on homework by writing this)
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gogolstoelicker · 3 years ago
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Hear me out hear me out, Fyodor!MC
Or like a Eren!Mc from attack on Titan because lord knows season 4 Eren was wild.
Dorm leaders with a Fyodor!MC
warning(s): mentions of blood and murder/killing
notes: •honestly, fyodor will probably do the same thing he did in bsd to nrc bc look at them
•I'll write for eren!mc later! (but pls remind me i might forget LMFOAOA)
Showing a calm and confident personality most of the time, you don't appear to fear your enemies, boasting enough courage to let yourself be captured by them.
Despite being extremely arrogant, you're a straightforward and intelligent individual with a truly sinister personality.
Referring to yourself as carrying out the lord’s will and always talks about the sinful nature of man.
Riddle:
well at least u didn't break any rules?
hehe but u did broke the law /TRUTH
will lecture u abt laws and rules and how it's important once he found out
dont know how since you're literally so secretive but
lets say he did
while he is horrified at what you did, he still can't just let it go that u broke some laws for the sake of "purifying the world or smth"
like there's surely some ways to purify people without having to break some laws
ur path as a priest era ig???
other than that, he likes how perfect is ur grade
and the way you play the cello
sometimes he asked for u to play it as a way to relax
it works btw‼️
he might also snatch ur hand out of ur mouth everytime u tried to bite ur thumb until it bleeds
he would scold u while he patches u up
Leona:
u give him the chills
and he's pissed about it
like some anemic herbivore is making his skin crawl??? what kind of pussy is he
may or may not saw ur ability😅😥
like u using ur ability on one of the dorm residents bc they tried smth with u
so u use ur ability on them and now everyone is scared
(fyodor's ability is called "crime and punishment", was not described yet but it was hinted that it can kill someone with a touch and is not restricted to skin-to-skin contact)
idk how the hell u got away with that but uh
lets just hope the school was fast enough to whip out some magic that can help the student before u got expelled
probably made the whole savanaclaw respect and fear u in a day
Azul:
probably kins each other LMFOAOAOA
well in a way???
this mc will surely fit well in octavinelle PLSS
ahem
is azul gonna be an ace(bsd) kinnie? he sure was
well thank god someone was there to stop u
or else azul will be hanging onto dear life /JOKE
(if u don't know what does that mean, then go see bsd season 3 episode 29. i totally didn't memorize the episode bc i keep rewatching it)
probably tried to hire u to play ur cello in monstro lounge
he genuinely can't tell what are u thinking bro
like he could stalk u around and he still wouldn't be able to tell what are u thinking
esp since you're either really calm and scary or just scarily weird????
Kalim:
aha u kind of scare him
😅😥
jamil probably doesn't trust u around him
i mean nobody trust u but
but jamil is esp on his guard
kalim is gonna get near u? u have jamil going 😡 at the back
(hes not mad at u btw, he's just staring to make sure u don't do anything)
pulled u up one time and u almost fall over
bc you're anemic get it
standing up too fast is gonna make u go through war and kalim will probably not get a hint
jamil have to tell him btw
and explain everything
kalim is a little more careful now
just a little tho
since if he forgor forgot, he'll do it again
ur talent in playing the cello bro
would u like to join his club?🌹
Vil:
u like people with good complexion so
so u def like vil
well in terms of appearance
we dont know abt personality yet
vil however? what does he thinks of u?
"pls fix ur appearance🕴😡"
ur hair is messy, ur posture is bad and u always bite ur thumb that causes it to bleed
he pulled ur thumb out of ur mouth every single time you tried to bite on it
and then proceeded to scold you about it
and then fix ur thumb if its bleeding
might even paint it
yassification of fyodor mc?💅
he really likes it when u play the cello honestly
like u finally look the slightest bit pleasing while playing that thing congrats omg😍
Idia:
u scare him on god
on the great sevens**
and the fact that you're not even a copy of kalim, cater or rook and u still scare him???
you know it's bad
well you're good at hacking and he probably does too so
so u guys might can bond from that??
i mean if you're not being usual ol' u, he can deal with u
but once u started going on abt the sin of mankind and how they should be punished?
he just
stayed in the corner and never come out
other than that, he's ok with ur company!!
you mind ur own business + he minds his own business
Malleus:
knows he's malleus draconia when u first met
decided to just play along with him
you're an interesting one, he must say
you always talked about how much sinful the people in this school are or just people in general and how you're going to purify them all
he thinks its light magic and go "idk how u ended up here🤗"
he's wrong btw💀
yknow that thing fyodor said? "together, u and i will cover this land with the blood of the sinners"
yeah u prolly said that to him or he overheard u said that to someone
literally him: 😃😮😶😥
you're amusing but
but murder??? war??? no thanks<3
but he really enjoys it when u played the cello!!
you're really good at it bro
he might have to hire u
/j
/hj**
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staylavendertea · 3 years ago
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music, ya know
this is a complete impulse of lying in bed middle of the night thoughts that i don’t even know if anyone’s gonna see that have been stemmed off the experiences of the past couple days, topic of 1:41 am mind boggle:
music and it’s aesthetic and importance in literal every sense cause it’s just that important to me
first experience of realizing this, i’ve always loved film scores and listening to music and the orchestral pieces from movies and shows, but it really seemed to hit me recently, like the fact that this week’s new LOKI episode, no spoilers, has the most badass score and a badass scene with such a perfect mix and musical atmosphere. i literally had one of my best friends over, who has a very small interest in comics, cinema, marvel in general, especially a show about a norse comic god that they know nothing about, and whilst they sat there for my own regard, watching the show like a normal human being would, i sat there clinching their hand, watching in awe as our music is louder than actors talking tv speakers spurted out the most spine tightening world building story and just wandered “jesus that was good” and whilst i will always think about the superior acting, cgi, the amount of different people that just went into those few scenes and like what was physical set and what was computer image and what the hell did i just watch that has my brain running olympic marathon circles right now?
the thought that said brain kept going back to was that fucking score. it was literally tearing apart of every corner of my head and why was it doing that?
second experience, another marvel one, but i digress. black widow (no spoilers i promise), thursday night, movie theater for the first time in i can’t even remember how long now and we set through so many previews just for fucking boss baby to start playing and the reaction of the theater to make me burst out laughing.
however whatever works in that little projection box, gets fixed and the movie is pushed to just a little before it starts, a nice small pepsi ad, the regal rollercoaster intro (if you go to regal movie theaters ya know what i’m talking about), and then i hear it - the marvel studios logo - something so musically engraved into my head that my ass that can’t sing for anything, can harmonize with the sound and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up around movie theater surround sound. but i can’t think of that now, i’m here to watch black widow, a movie on hiatus with the rest of the world for so long now, a character i didn’t know much about it or truly, didn’t have the most connection with in the first place. yet through that one movie, i seemed to build one of those.
ofc though scarlett johansson’s beautiful acting and world building, but it isn’t until the end of the movie that i even realize why. it was the fucking score again. when i think about it, the beginning of the movie felt like all of black widows scenes in the avengers movies for me, kinda just, there. not really emotionally tugging, not bad ofc either, but just, there. in the present, watching something cool in motion. but then it hits, what i can only describe as a theme that somehow tells the entire black widow movie in one singular composition. something so badass, story telling, but also just singularly black widow-esk. i can tell you that i walked out the movie theater rambling about the composition and looking up composers.
third experience, the most recent as it was literally like 20 minutes ago and sprung one train rail of a thought process that immediately tugged me into typing this brain vomit into a tumblr post. i have playlists. for everything. and when i say everything, i fucking mean everything. i’m a writer and a reader, i have playlists mostly for the young avengers, my most utter comfort characters, and their stories i’m writing. i also have playlists/genre/specific song for about every book i read.
when i read red white and royal blue when that came out, i noticed i listened to one of the drunks by panic at the disco the entirety of the ending of the book and the words and music fit together like puzzle pieces, not only did it make the reading experience better, but i was so fucking emerged in my over hyper-imagitive brain that when i finally actually finished the book, i still never left. rewind present day to the beginning of this past june, one last stop comes out, ofc i get it the day it comes out with my anticipation building like wildfire. i start reading that night and i put on my recents on my liked songs playlist (true to true spotify user) and i slowly over the next day as i read and finish the book, windle down to the genre, then the band, to the album, to the exact song that feels like the carbon copy of the words i’m reading. that song was only ones who know by the arctic monkeys. now go back to this past week, anyone who reads the carry on series knows, anyway the wind blows came out this past tuesday. i waited till wednesday to buy the ✨pretty special addition barnes and nobles copy✨ so that the dear friend that indulged me by watching loki that same day could buy it at the same time and make a cute book date or whateva. i started reading that night and something just felt ,,, off. i didn’t know what it was, but i was living off the pure joy that simon and co give me so i ignored the feeling. until i realized why it felt off this morning. i wasn’t listening to any fucking music, literally nothing, not even queen. motherfucking. queen.
i looked for the snowbaz playlist i made when i read carry on for the first time back in 2016/2017 when i was still a freshman in high school just to remember i deleted that literally forever ago. so i made a new one. like an hour and a half ago. very inspired on how i made the playlists for the young avengers and all their stories. letting the music talk.
the fact that all these rambling thoughts have led to this conclusion makes my head hurt, but for me at least in my own experiences. music talks. a two way conversation. a radio broadcast, turning the peg until you match the same frequency thats being put out and you can hear it and understand it. it’s like when you see comedians on stages or actors on panels, they talk, you have reactions, you talk back, and so forth the loop continues until the last voice, last note, rings out. music and songs and orchestral pieces and bands and composers and lyric writers are telling you the stories in reverse. they don’t know their doing it, obviously they meant something entirely different in their creations, but it’s like literature and any work of words and storytelling. interpretation. to me, the notes, pianos, violins, guitars, drums, singers, cellos, and anything that can make sound you can think of, is telling you something. whispering in your ear as you watch or read. facial features, emotions the characters dont say out loud, outfits, they way their standing or talking or moving or interacting with anything and everything.
when i just made that carry on playlist, i played it, decided to try read some good almost 2 am fan fic as you do, my hanging on by a thread sleep brain telling me words aren’t recognizable right now, and tighten myself into a blanket to see if i can sleep at all. the playlist still plays and my never shuts up head thinks it’s own daydreams, stresses out about anything it can, that is until the song plays. the one that just speaks the carry on trilogy language. the one that i found whilst i was reading wayward son and then would play whenever i re read carry on. the one that started this whole way too long ass post in the first place. cant be alone tonight by atlas. i heard just the first sound and i saw them, as if i were in the same room, like i never even put the book down in the first damn place because i’m actually terrified of finishing it. i could see simon in his oversized hoodies, baz in an outfit that was way too good just to be sitting inside, agatha looking as pleasantly pretty as ever, penelope poking fun at shepherd, and shepherd poking fun right back; bickering, laughing, saying the dialogues i try to remember so i can write them later, existing.
in a way music doesn’t just talk, but it lives. it lives and breaths. a three way conversation you could say. characters, stories, plot, and settings talk to the music, then the music delivers us listeners the message, so that we can send one back. this literally took me over an hour to write and i should point the important note that i do have synesthesia where colors and sounds and colors and words do the association so this entire thing might be me being entirely biased, but alas, i love sound so much and if there is anyone else that feels the same ways as i do as just a simple good film score and song makes anything ten times better, feel free to talk, i will totally be awkward, but i need some music freaks like myself around so feel free to hit me up, also if you love movies and cinema also feel free to hit me up as i need movie buddies and now it’s 3 am and i will be going to bed - peace out 🛸
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Text
the two princes season 3: episode 1
hey y'all!! just like during the season 2 release, im gonna write down my (completely unfiltered) thoughts while listening to the new season of ttp!!
[beware for spoilers, cussing, and general incoherent babbling]
ooh we're getting a catch up
the no'
oh noe his mem'rees
JECIFLDFYS
JPERCYJJE
YEAH
goat reappearance this season ??? eyes emoji eyes emoji
much much stranger........ ok foreboding
ooh cheerios
omg what
who is
LEGOS??????????????
his voice scares me
ROOSTER
SONG YEAH I RECOGNIZE THIS
GUITAR
i love noah galvin's voice so much yall.
HE"S IN LOVE YALL
ari'el's voice is so soft i love it sm
are they,,,,,,,, yknow,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "pals"
LAVINIA PLS I LOVE YOU
"i need to kiss my fiance!" yall
yall im
AND IN JUST THREE DAYS I MIGHT HELL YEAH WOOO WOOOOO YEAH
SO MUCH freakin true romance
i do i do i do I DO I DO I DO I DOOO
aww its so happy!! :D
i wonder how long it takes until it all goes wrong
RUPERT MADE PANCAKES???????????
paws on the table YALL IM
THEY"RE A FAMILY
theyrelafhalefsdkfasldckalsdmfadsf
"nothing is going to happen" explain the other 6 episodes then mf
BET MY LIFE?? n e ways
yeah rupert has it right
"my love"???? AAAAAAAAAAA
the story ends... :((
TRAGEDY IS FOR SINGLE PEOPLE LFJSDJFALFSKDJFJASFDSFLKASF
NO MATTER WHATTTT
spooned to death,,,,,, that's the way i wanna go
"suspicious salad forks" rupert i love you
"nothing will stop us" hmmm when have i heard that before
BREAKFAST IN BED
ACCIDENTAL COUP PJ
pj im in love with you sir
he cares so much awwww
this is giving me flashback to my cello playing days
is cecily in love with pj now.......... WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
"you had me at cecily what are you doing here" RELA
RELATIONSHIP???????
DATING??????????
JAAAAAAAOAN
oh fasldkfjkla
BRUHDFS PLS
cercy,,,,,,,,,,,
she's trying to make joan jealous and im so proud of her
AND ITS WORKINGGG
imsdalfkadsjfaskdg
CHANGE TEAMS??
biphobic joan,,,,,,,,,, huh
CECILY x CHAMBERLAIN
:(((((((
"super hot" im,,,,,,, girl hes FRUITY
YEAH YOU ARE BABE
yeah yeah yeah WOOO GO CECILY
DID IT IN HEELS
"adores" girl once again..... FRUIT SALAD
yep point proven
THIS SISIIS THEJSDJFLJA
SLKDFHJKAL
why is pj always getting threatened
imWAIT MORE SINGINGoh no :((
WHAT another ad???
yeah i hear ye hear ye now be quiet about it
aww
yall cryin
facts rupRU???
"RU"???????????????
OEJFSKDAMDNCJLSKADF
chamberlain ur gonna make me cry
yeah he made me cry
CHAMBERLAIN x BARABBAS COME TO LIFE
aw man :((
aw man :))
hes so sweet
OOH WHOS APPROACHING
YEAH LETS CHECK IT OUT
"lookin good ladies!! lookin even better boys hehe"
YALFKDFSLDFJF PRINCE DARLING
ITS HIM
UH OH
he sounds so old thSDFLKSJDF BEST LOOKING PRINCELSDFJ
malkia,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
what
is CYNTHIA ERIVO COMING BACK??????? BRING CYNTHIA BACK
hmhmhm yeah
"i dont think you came up"????? bitch ill kill you
ok dont be a fucking bitch alright
goddamn clam down
WHAT
no bitch DFLKS "WE HAVE FUN" ACTUALLY I LOVE HIM
hes so gay it almost feels offensive
wait whats he dLKSDFLJ THIGHS WHATHJKLD
BREAK INTO SONG
YEAH YEAH DO IT
abs,,,,,,, man i am
OOH PLUCKY LIL TUNE
PARTY ROCK IS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT
party prodigy,,,,,,,,, his character is straight out of glee
MAKE IT BOUNCE????? THIS IS A CHILDREN SHOW
no pls go away actually
i dont wanna listen to edm PLS
APOOPOO????
um weirdly racist????? or is that just me
uhm n e ways
i dunno what's going on man
pls i wanna skip this
pls step away from my ears pls too close
uhmmmmmmmmmmm asldfasdlfj amir
IM WITH AMIR FOR ONCE MAN
well uuhhh
ITS ADORABLE IMSDFJSDLF
"what could go wrong" cue the menacing ass music
OH MY GOD BARABBAS
hes depressed and drunk and singing and..... gay hMm??
rainy
OH they're going to the heartland huh
WHERE is he lost???? omg yall
are we getting a BARABBAS SUBPLOT?????
THIS IS ACTUALLY SO IMPORTANT TO ME PERSONALLY
BARABBAS SUBPLOT BARABBAS SUBPLOT BARABBAS SUBPLOT
WENCE???? omg
zoo baby
wencescalaueasus
ITS COMING????
THE END MOTHER FUCKER?????????????
calm down "the magnus archives"
uhmmmmmmm okay then
THE SDLFSD THE ENDING CREDITS
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thecringefailintherye · 4 years ago
Text
Melody (S.W.A.L.K) 1971 Livewatch
I have seen this movie. but not the whole thing (i got interupped the first time i watched it)... so here goes! 
movie load please
20 seconds of logos???
guitar song™
this movie is so nostalgic for no reason
Mark Lester and Jack Wild: did you mean, Oliver Twist and The Artful Dodger?
and tracy hyde shes here too
i love this movie sm wtf
can these credits end????
ok yes they can
70s film marching band scene
ornshaw drinking whiskey before band bc why not
danny is bby
mY mOtHeR dId It SiR
dannys mum is so annoying wtf
i really love tom ornshaw
run bitch run
The BB™
SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER???
look at his lil face ❤
MELODY MY DAUGHTER
a gowdfish please
aww look at her 
“ive done all those things i wanna try something new” LIKE DRAWING TIDDIES? DANIEL
“ah a boy gave it to me at school” was it ornshaw, i bet it was ornshaw
BITCH YOU RIPPED DANNYS TITS DRAWING
melody girl you cant play that fucking recorder
this film has great cinematography wtf
Melody Perkins Deserves The World !!
the gang go to school
Ornshaw Gets Bullied
“the jewish boys may now leave for private study” what about the jewish girls?? there’s clearly girls in the class?? why do they have to listen to the bible
ornshaw’s porn bible
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO JESUS WAS???
dont smoke at school kids
okay so shes peggy, why is she credited as maureen. who the fuck is maureen
hear me out, muriel is a lesbian. noone kisses for over five minutes unless youre proper horny and this bitch is like thirteen. she also says “i dont know, i never used to kiss boys”, because SHE DOESNT. shes lying because she doesnt kiss boys. shes closeted and thats whys she says she does. also, she got angry at peggy for saying she fancied a boy.
W I C
“saucy turtles make terrible bathmats, charley” okay okay jeez
ornshaws accent is everything
The Gang sneaking through the fence what will they do
uh oh danny
AWH YOURE BARMY
thats def gonna explode later
ornshaw gets kicked off the bus
but now hes on it
ornshaw and danny have such a wholesome friendship too bad melody ruins it oh wait
you’ve heared of ornshaw gets kicked off the bus now get ready for... ornshaw gets kicked out of the strip club!
you cant get a taxi!!! watch me hoe
where did ornshaw get the chewing gum from wtf
“shes always talking about people like you...” OH OKAY DANNYS MUM IS CLASSIST
“he could do with a heart attack!” WOAH OKAY
time skip to school
oh no danny’s seen melody
“we have three admirers of the dance!” ah shit
ah so maureen is the girl in green
why is ornshaw just standing there
FREE YOURSELVES
the girl gang is hilarious i love them
Muriel Kisses A Tombstone
uh oh dannys been found out
“HES A COWARD CMON”
ornshaw just yeeted his cat
i hate dannys mother sm
assembly time, an iconic part of british comprehensive school, since covid, i cant say i miss it
danny and melody !!
DANNY PLAYS CELLO THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO
melody and her friend are there because plot
melody sweetie baby i love you but you cant play the recorder
THEYRE PLAYING IN HARMONY DKDJSKDJSJKK 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
this is cute as fuck
melody is babey
oh explosives time??
i just dubbed these kids ornshaw and the pyrotechnics crew and it fits
dannys parents are annoying
i quite literally hate them
DANNY SPILT HIS COKE ITS SUCH A SIN
“neviw”
melody girl are you okay
melody are you lying about getting raped
oh time skip to school
we’ve hardly seen ornshaws home life so when will we properly meet him??
god i fucking love ornshaw its mad
oh this is an iconic scene if there ever was one
“go on tom dance with her” oh the ONE TIME ornshaw is called by his first name
youre mad !!
“girls are a load of snotty nose little so and sos” ornshaw aro king
is ornshaw.. scared of women
whatddya mean i dont dance very well!?
is it bad i lowkey crackship peggy and ornshaw now
YOU DANCE STUPID!
no one:
ornshaw: kicks peggy in the shin because he cant dance
“you big fat fool” yikes
danny u ok
ALL ORNSHAW AND HIS MATES DO IS CREATE EXPLOSIVES DJDKJSKt
oh it worked for once
i feel so fucking sorry for melody wtf
bb 🥺
im at the bit where melody is crying while putting on her mothers makeup 
SWEETIE ITS OKAY 
OH TIME SKIP TO SPORTS DAY! 
this film is so fast were already an hour in!
ornshaw giving actually solid life advice?? are you sure this is the same movie
“you youre gonna be bloody useless!”
i literally love ornshaw so much 
FUCK DANNYS MUM
GO ON DANNY 
YES MY BOY
time skip to school 3982903843290
wtf is a young latin scholars book
lahtimah
not ass latimer, arse
i hate the latin teacher
ornshaw every second: right uh erm um uh so yes sir oh uh mhm
*ornshaw and danny shoving pillows up their underwear*
“dont worry about it!!” dude hes getting spanked by the latin teacher ofc hes gonna worry about it
ornshaw and latimah
“vacate your mouth”
“because its a silly out of date language sir!!!” hes not wrong
uh oh 
what will slapping ornshaw’s ass with a dap even gonna do???
oh hi melody forgot about you
AWH DANNY SWEETHEART
“cmon danny dont let her see you cry!” i want a friend like ornshaw man
melody is just STANDING THERE LIKE GIRL LEAVE
“you can buzz off now love, tara, tooduhloo” have i said i love ornshaw? because i love ornshaw
danny dont abandon ornshaw !!
oh this is sad
danny? danny?? danny!!!??? DANNY!!?? 🥺🥺🥺
ORNSHAW RIGHTS MAN
ive felt sorry for literally all three of these kids now
ah fuck now ornshaws having a mental breakdown in the school halls
danny and melody’s relationship is so innocent and wholesome 
this is literally so bittersweet, like we’re seeing danny and melody being all cute and happy but we know that back in school ornshaw is literally having a breakdown over them
im tearing up over a movie about schoolchildren in puppy love
“will you love me that long?” “of course! ive loved you a whole week already!”
“hes come to tea! his name is daniel!” melody hes not your pet
melodys dad seems so cool why was he arrested
donald????
i genuinely love melody’s dad 
melody dramatically eats toast
time skip to school AGAIN
OH GOD I’M ACTUALLY CRYING
melody and danny are out on a date having fun and its the same song playing as the scene earlier on when danny and ornshaw went off somewhere at the start of the movie, melody has quite literally replaced ornshaw
i have real tears rn 
they skipped school to go to weymouth
danny and melody are literally adorable man
“shall we get married?” arent yall like 12????
oh back to school they got in trouble for skipping
apparently the poor cast got spanked for real and like yikes
we want to get married :D
ITS NOT MENT TO BE FUNNY!!
leave danny alone!
leave melody alone!
ornshaw please stop
ornshaw stop taunting him this is gonna end shittily
OH SHIT 
THEYRE STRAIGHT UP FIGHTING 
ORNSHAW AND DANNY ARE MF WRESTLING EACHOTHER TO THE GROUND
okay now ornshaw is literally beating him up okay
danny this is your fault for ditching him for melody sorry
top ten best anime fight scenes
latin man is back because plot
DID ORNSHAW GIVE HIM A BLOODY NOSE
i’m sorry danny 😭😭
ORNSHAW. DESERVES. THE. FUCKING. WORLD. AND. MORE.
let melody and danny get married!
wait so if 20 is twice as old as her then shes.. ten?? i think
melody ily
“all i want to do is be happy” BABY
OH FUCK YOU MRS LATIMER
oooh
THEYRE GOING TO GET MARRIED BY THE RAILWAY 
ornshaws unnamed friend is the true hero of this movie
is this the movie climax???
run! ornshaws unnamed friend! run!
IM SORRY THE’RE LITERALLLY GETTING MARRIED I’M 😭
“we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.. shaddup”
ITS NOT FUNNY ITS SERIOUS
IS ORNSHAW STRAIGHT UP MARRYING THESE TWO IS HE THEIR VICAR
HE IS AS WELL
“DICKS IS COMING!!!” as soon as they were getting the rings
RUN !!!!
ornshaw just threw the bible at his re teacher from the re scene at the start i love him
DANNYS MUM HAD IT COMING
name a more iconic trio than melody perkins, danny latimer, and tom ornshaw, i’ll wait
GO PEGGY!
ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND IS GONNA FINALLY GET HIS BOMB WORKING!
YES
GO ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND
“i’ll get you ornshaw!” dude how is this his fault its yours for unterupting the wedding latin man
again ouf is the true movie hero
wait latin man is dicks??? whos wannabe remus lupin then????
this just in: ouf is actually named stacey
oh god thats actually such a bittersweet ending
melody and danny trolleying off into the sunset
im actually crying like a baby rn
god that was such a good movie
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myfriendthedictionary · 4 years ago
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ehehehe who said I practice-
for legal reasons that is a joke, to my orchestra teacher, if you’re out there, I practice I swear-
or do I
speaking of orchestra jokes the cellists seem to have the most,,, some dude lost his end pin and how do you lose an end pin?!?!?
also, I’m crying over your fics again, o mighty ethereal writing immortal too good for all us humble hoomans stuck on this world-
*sniffs* I just- how do you write so well 😭
I could never achieve that level of ability,,, Is there any talent left for the untalented gremlin unworthy of being in your presence?
-🍵
aasdhash thats a big mood... but if ur orchestra teacher happens to be on this blog, i’ll vouch for you! (asdjas i too was uhhh also practicing the choreo i was supposed to and did not spend the day playing stardew valley-) 
h,he lost the end pin akskasd??? i dont even play the cello but that does seem hard to do haha,, but i think id lose my head if it wasnt attached to me, so i cant really judge haha!
aaaaaaaaaa youre so sweet!! im really glad you like it ^^ to be fair tho, i also write a lot of really bad things that just do not make it to this blog or to my ao3 haha... for every fic ive posted, ive definitely scrapped at least 6 others. writing takes practice and i have spent way too much of my time (read: more time than i should have-) trying to get a consistent style, but its definitely been an uphill journey!! 
never say never !! i have total confidence in you (and everyone else) in what you can achieve! writing is such a personal experience and there’s so much beauty in that!! even if you dont like your writing (or art or voice or really anything you make / do) at the moment, its something you did!! you made a thing !!!!!! something no one else ever has before!! even tho i dont always like what i write and choose not to post it, i always have to remember how cool it is that i made something unique! i put words on a page and they’re my words, and even if i dont think they’re the best words i’ve ever produced, how cool is it that we can do something like that you know?? there arent any levels in art or writing and i really encourage u to keep doing it (if its something you like or enjoy ofc)! i love to read all kinds of things from people with all different styles and experience and theyre all so cool! 
... ajsaskdas i am rambling again, but seriously, i believe in you (and anyone else who reads this)!!! it sounds cliche but learning to be proud of where you are is such an important lesson and probably the biggest one i hope more know ^^
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subarashiet · 4 years ago
Text
lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58
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purplecolouredglasses · 5 years ago
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Tag Game
Tagged by the absolutely wonderful @telltaleclerk​ - thank you so much for tagging me. :D
favourite comfort food: kale with sausage and potatoes or steamed yeast buns with strawberry sauce
favourite alcohol (or hot drink): I don’t really drink much alcohol anymore, but I have a fondness for single malt scotch which I only rarely drink because it’s expensive and I’m a poor grad student who can’t afford that kind of thing. Otherwise, I drink a lot of tea. 
favourite relaxing activity: Reading - I read a lot and just about everything from fanfiction to classical poetry. Swimming, running, and Ving Tsun Kung Fu are also on the list when I need a workout to relax.
favourite calming scent: jasmine
favourite relaxing (or uplifting) song: The Bach: Unaccompanied Cello Suites played by Yo Yo Ma album is my go to in order to relax. I’ve listened to that so often by now I could probably hum the entire thing in my sleep.  
favourite book to get lost in: Depends on my mood, really, though I often turn to poetry if I want to get lost in something. I’m currently reading Dorothy Parker and it’s just kind of perfect to forget about reality for a bit.
favourite chill-out TV show: Everything Star Trek. I’ve been a Trekkie for as long as I can remember and Deep Space Nine is my personal favourite. 
the best advice you’ve ever had: A lot of people are probably just as insecure as you are. Something my psychiatrist told me years ago, and also something I’d never really thought about before that. To my ADHD challenged self, and suffering from impostor syndrom, it felt, and still feels, like one of the most important things I’ve ever been told. 
Tagging: @thesammykinz  @dont-stop-believin-in-klaine @orianess @rai-knightshade @enbyboiwonder @impossiblepluto and everyone else who wants to have a go. :D
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glurbo · 4 years ago
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why i am like this
I ask the universe frequently; “why did all these people leave me” and though she never responds to my cries, I get a heavy feeling in my heart knowing why. I can't seem to accept that the only common denominator between me and my failed relationships (platonic/romantic/family) is me. The human condition doesn’t allow it such that one person meets 20 shitty people, I must be the shitty person. I will never claim to be perfect and I wear my vices on my sleeve: however, no one wants to admit they’re a bad person. Maybe, just maybe, realizing it may be me, is the key to having lasting friends.
Everytime i admit to the fact that I am suicidal it is met with the same questions. “But you seem so happy!” I never was. “What is so bad about your life?” it isn’t bad i just hate it here. Why do i want to kill myself. A question that weighs heavy on my chest. Most of it is because I know I will never be okay. For all my life I am stuck with feeling miserable because of my chemical imbalance. I will feel on cloud 9 one day and love life and want to change the world and the next day I will be holding a blade to my neck ready to end it all. Suicidal tendencies aren’t  black and white and sad and happy. 
I have contributed nothing to my community or the people around me. I am no more important than a piece of lint in the corner. This isn’t the life I wanted to live but I can not even achieve my dreams for my body is a piece of shit that can hardly stand. I’ve always wanted to be a musician. Either a cellist in a symphony or a bassist in a band, I love to perform. Sadly, I’ve plateaued with the cello meaning I won’t be able to get into a symphony, and my knees refuse to let me stand long enough to play bass on a stage. What is life when your dreams are impossible? What is the point? It’s empty and terrible knowing you will have to compromise and not even get a chance to ATTEMPT at living out your dreams. 
In my future I see college (I hate school) and becoming a biology major (I want to be a music major) and living in some semi big city working at the local hospital (I hate taking care of people). I can’t even imagine myself dating, and the world was built for love and enjoying companionship. I hate my attraction. I hate the fact I’m gay because simply: I don’t EVER want to enter another relationship with a man. Sounds harsh? It is supposed to be. I don’t know what I deserve in a relationship and I know if I were to enter one I’d self harm using sex because I dont know my worth. Men are scary, men hurt me because I am naive. Though I have had one good relationship with a man, it isn’t enough to redeem my trust in the male species.
Loveless, dreamless, and hopeless. What else is there to do besides kill myself?
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melancholy-smile · 5 years ago
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Got back to this blog and thank you @clowndaddyfleck for the tag!
1) Do You make your bed?
Only when I get guests. Mainly it’s for @thehumanplant, but only then. My bed is a mess and I don’t care.
2) What’s your favorite number?
13
3) What’s your Job?
...School.
4) Can you parallel park?
I’ll Parallel your mum.
5) A job you had that would surprise people?
Haven’t had a job so; Fun fact! I played Cello, and I went to orchestra camp for 2 week in the summer. 3rd grade to 6th I played, I stopped because we moved.
6) Do you think aliens are real?
Look, I don’t care if you think they aren’t, but something, someones else has to be out there, or it’s literally just wasted space, and we should feel alone. Very alone. Short answer: Yes.
7) Can you drive a manual car?
Think about it.
8) What’s your guilty pleasure?
Drawing Gore, Drawing on myself.
9) Tattoos?
I have ideas for where I want them to be, but only one idea for one. (Realistic heart in the middle of my chest- Yes, it will hurt.)
10) Favorite color?
Orange, Green? Red?? I don’t know, I like many colors.
11) Things that drive you crazy?
When someone/A teacher is clearly pissed off and people keep talking, and keep doing what caused the stop in speaking in the first place. I don’t want to hear yelling because you think your conversation is so important, shut up.
12) Any Phobias?
Spiders? The dark?
13) Favorite childhood sport?
When I was little, I don’t remember when, before 10 is all I can say, I once fell asleep while watching a game live, like in the stadium, with the crowd, so none.
14) Do you talk yourself?
Most things I do, ideas for stories, come from conversations with myself. I am good conversation, I am my own company. Talking to yourself happen when you isolate yourself.
15) What movies do you adore?
Both Tim Burton Alice in wonderland movies(You dont understand how much I sulked as a kid that Hatter couldn’t be my friend IRL), The Crow, The Labyrinth, The Never Ending Story, Rise of the Guardians, The Spiderwick Chronicles, A Monster in Paris, Maybe the Crow, Halloween, and Mama. I think that’s all?
16) Do you like doing Puzzles?
Puzzle games, but if you give me a 100 piece little puzzle I will smack my head off something. Crosswords? Word scrambles?? I’m so dyslexic it’s b a d.
17) Favorite kind of music?
Rock? That’s what I’ve always said. Though you turn on Jolene and I’m boppin.
18) Tea or Coffee?
I am currently having a coffee
19) What’s the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grow up?
I remember wanting to be a Veterinarian, my mom has said first I wanted to be ab Entomologist, I think, something with bugs.
I tag: @thehumanplant @eektheart @allevallie - Uh yea. Y’all don’t gotta do this if you don’t want, but you may enjoy it like I do.
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yum-cy · 5 years ago
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You reblogged an ask game. I will now require you to do all of them. Yes I know you hate me blah blah blah love you too
I cant decide if i want punch you for this or not. Also, flannel is repeated like 3 times
lantern: 6th grade science. i thought they were bitch. idk what they thought of me
frost: you deserve better and so do the people you hurt so dont do that this time around
maple: existing. ive never done it before (i dont really have an answer to this one)
harvest: idk. boris pavlikovsky?
fireside: i wanna look like a pirate/vampire/college student mash up
cider: i dont like food full stop.
amber: yall are so ready to punch nazis, but when was the last time you talked to a Jewish person. your support is important, but that doesnt just mean punching people for us
fog: i would lay down and ask for the zombies to kill me, so not too great
jack-o-lantern: kate mckinnon
spice: yep, my own (doors open and slam, electeonics turn on and off randomly, etc)
orchard: i wanna go to a haunted house or a corn maze or out of my house (all those things im not allowed to do) does that count? if not, figure out my emotions even a lil bit
crow: math? i cant do it and i kinda dont wanna fail
bonfire: small-ish? never silent, mine, full of people i love. always decorated for halloween. gothic and victorian. a manor fit for a "confirmed bachelor" but not as big and empty
cinnamon: if it werent for how much the world sucked, 1920s america. speakeasies, mafias, the disintegration of the american dream, a gritty undertone to something seen as sparkily? sign me the fuck up
cranberry: my hair. its ginger and fluffy and curly. people like it for some reason, but when they see it its like they forget theres anything else to me
maize: some random person came up to me when i was still living in ny, grabbed my arm and told me my moms name and the exact date of her death. it freaked me out then bc i was like 9 but it freaks me out now bc they were right
quilt: i take my tea luke warm (i dont like burning my mouth thanks) and i leave the tea bag in the entire time im drinking/waiting for it to cool so its so strong it kinda hurts by the time im done
pumpkin: neither. i think people are born as blank slates, and our experiences mold us. i also think we can adjust what kinda person weve become if we truly feel like theres a flaw at any point
moonlit: i cannot see the floor. carpet? i didnt know we had her
flannel: nope but ive dated shitty people if that counts
cocoa: probably what i already have. idk i sorta like what my hairs doing right now
ghost: my mom. the lady in the apartment next to ours when i was 7 that would give us lasagna
pumpkin spice: earl grey/black/peppermint tea or an iced vanilla latte
wool socks: crunchy colorful leaves, halloween decorations, wind
falling leaves: a boat, a fishing rod, a wood chipper
smelly candles: the original chapstick flavor
big sweaters: i like warmth but im always cold
halloween: the mayor from nightmare before christmas
cozy blankets: under my 3 blankets in my room
hot tea: the end of summer(august? july? i cant remember which)
flannel: april 4th, i have ocd and the number i get super obsessed with is 4(snap 4 times before walking through doors, etc)
chilly air: windy and overcast is great, sunny and stuffy is awful
scarves: prolly my musemem hoody and either my wonder woman pj pants or my ripped jeans
apple cider: just alex. i dont much like people so even if i admire them i wouldnt want to meet them in person(never meet your heroes)
haunted houses: i was held under water until i passed out when i was 5 and now i cant even go near any body of water(pools, lakes, oceans)
fuzzy boots: roaring 20s explained earlier
thanksgiving: alexxxxx. i love them. so much. but thanksgiving is a bullshit holiday
black friday: nothing that i can think of.
apple picking: either greece or rome. the architecture is incredible, the history is fuckin bonkers, and the mythology is incredible
corn mazes: nothing i do is ever really secret? i can play cello pretty okay, and im alright at writing?
hay rides: horse drawn carriages
the color orange: ribs by lorde. idk why but i love that song and i always think of fall whenever i hear it
windy nights: hozier. without a doubt
holding hands: soulmates are inherently amatonormative concept anf as someone on the aro spectrum(not fully aro tho) that doesnt sit well with me. so, no
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