#i really want to just be myself n be authentic or wtvr but
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random thought usually i kin characters that i love the most or characters i rather hate in a way (hate is too strong of a word though hmm)
#i usually don't exactly share things outright or directly abt myself to others. if you go out of your way to do so or analyze me you're#always welcome to do so ngl that intrigues me a lot. i do that w others often n the idea of the same happening to me just feels too foreign#i know hmm why exactly i'm like this rn n i don't care enough anymore to rlly write about it anymore#each time i think i write too much or say too much that's usually when i get worse n worse#earlier this year this summer when i was doing pretty well but then.. 'i talk too much'#n then part of me just disappeared since then#it hurts when it always feels like a part of me is just always hidden in a way. not that it's my intention bcs#i really want to just be myself n be authentic or wtvr but#this.. loneliness that has always been with me that i#hmm. thinking abt it n i haven't had any good dreams lately huh. despite sleeping early i still haven't rlly slept well#n the real world feels like a dream too. n then#this emptiness that's just always there despite all the things that have made me happy lately. it all feels like a dream#the past feels so far away. the sight of the stars the dawn on the horizon. the clouds yonder over the beach#all of it slipping out of my reach. the chill breeze hugging me n how free i felt in all those moments#reaching out.. reaching out wld leave me be to either fall or drown#in a literal sense n. also metaphorically#in hesitance for either outcome. perhaps everything's just taken away by the wind instead.#every trace taken away by the rain that floods my mind?#dunno what i'm writing. i just can't feel that i'm.. living properly. despite all of this#that disconnection or wtvr along w the regret n guilt n wtvr that just. piled up or wtvr#i lost a part of me that night. all these reflections confuse me so much n just warp my mind to other worlds#dilemmas so many dilemmas n these thoughts n emotions just contradict so painfully n#i'm fine. but. i don't want to forsake my progress or my younger n future self n#who am i? what do i want? why can't i.. reach out? incompetence on so many levels it gets hard to hold unto myself#but still i'll hope i guess. still dream n wish n write. but i'm just losing my energy n motivation to connect w reality#i'm sorry. for everything. so much i can't write.. but everything's crammed in my head or smth. but i'll be fine i'm fine#this is my fault. i'll do this on my own. i'm sorry#it's so confusing bcs i love myself more than i hate myself n i know what i need n should do but. yeah#i'll be fine eventually. with wtvr i'll do n wtvr pain so long as i still live even if i lose hope so long as i hold unto tomorrow..#i'm too tired to reach out for others n for myself anymore. i'm sorry. i'll be fine though i'll just think of other stuff for now
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back home <3
#🌙.rambles#earlier already actually but ><#playing ffxiv rn i miss this game#IT'S SO VERY NEAR CHRISTMAS N I'M NOT PREPARED OR WTVR AAAA#very nearly end of the year too oh my god time flies by far too fast#i feel better compared to earlier thankfully :< but still like. empty????#i'm.. really bad at friendships thanks to old ones i had that i got hurt from so hdklafjdslf T_T#recently i've been feeling like i've fucked up#but i'm too tired to reach out in any way anymore for either myself or for others n i'm sorry for both#i don't want to forsake myself. even if it's hopeless i still want to hold unto all of those dreams n wishes n words i wrote to myself#sigh yk i don't really purposely 'deceive' ppl n i hate that so much but i very much relate to ffxiv urianger#recently i've been. idk but just like the old days with fiction hehe#fe3h ffxv ffvii yeah stuff from my childhood specifically n then#n then. i want to help others in a way i know i can. n even if i cld help just a bit i.. really want to bcs i care for you all so much but#n then another thing you know that feeling when you really want to hate someone but. you can't.#i really can't hate them.. i say them but they don't go by those pronouns i just usually default to them to be ambiguous here#i can't.. hate them they mean so much to me after n all. once upon a time i used to wish for more. maybe i still do#then there comes the identity crisis. bcs i would bury this wtvr inside me to not ruin things anymore but#i want to be authentic i want to be true to myself i don't want to let go of all i've written to myself in the past#..i can't hate them bcs it was never their fault in the first place. but for them i guess none of it ever had to do with me#but that type of thinking is. nah bcs none of it is even certain but here i am already giving up? that's not like me at all#but for someone like me.. for reasons too long to write here i. i can't reach out more for myself#let's say if there were two sides in me; one's 'selflessness' is a farce to the other wherein it's merely just selfish#but to the other side. reaching out more for the whole self wld be selfish 'for the sake of the third-party'#if that makes sense 😭 but i don't know why i'm writing here wait#HELP I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO RAMBLE I WAS DOING PRETTY WELL THEN I GOT OFF-TRACK WHEN I STARTED WRITING#nyways i'm home yes i'll fix stuff tmrrw <3 oh dear christmas is so soon.. AGHH I'M FINE
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