#i really wish my partner wasnt gonna be gone for so long bc im already exhausted managing the house alone

[maraeffect]

haven't even been awake for two hours and this is probably the worst morning i've had in a while 🙂 cw EXTREMELY disgusting unsanitary tags.

[grabyoursnickers]

A month now. I might be lying if i say im okay or im fine. When you give all you have and all you could to something but it didnt end well. It didnt turn out like what you expected before. I think sometimes it gets harder bcs i have to change everything in my life. I dont like changes. I dont like new environment. It is one of my weakness.

I have always depended my life to her. My parents are far away from me and i dont have much friends here. She was the person that i wanna talk after i wake up or before i go for a nap. Giving her random calls just to hear her voice or whenever i miss her. Sometimes we didnt even have anything to talk, we just stayed on the phone bcs i just wanted to feel the presence of her. I enjoyed that. I loved when she talked about how was her day, when she complaint or when she laughed on my stupid jokes. By through a phone, we talked, we laughed and even we cried together. So, when the person that used to be there, where i can share and talk about anything left me, i got lost. I dont know where to begin. It felt like a part of my soul was gone with her. I thought i lost everything in my life. I got anxiety, i didnt sleep or eat well. My weight dropped drastically. It got worse when night came bcs everything started to haunt me back. I just cried and cried till i fell asleep. I guess that is what happened when you depend your life to someone else. I should have depended my life on myself and Allah.

I admit, everything started bcs of me. The reason is bcs im not ready for a marriage. Marriage is a big thing to me, like so big. There was a part of me telling me that i was ready for it but another part still wasnt ready. I wanna get married where i dont even have to feel hesitate with my decision at all. I want everything to be complete. Like i need to prepare myself in terms of financial, physically and mentally. I wanna give all that i have for my family. We used to have the thought that she can be a housewife and i will be the provider. By saying provider, it means i will provide everything to the family. Home, clothes, foods, knowledges, financial, i mean like all that i could. She lost her father at a quite young age. So she only has her mother. I know the struggle that she had to face bcs of the lost of her late father. It broke me to pieces everytime she said she missed her father, she almost forgot the voice of her father. I can do nothing except to comfort her by my words. And for that, i always have the thought when i get married to her, i will give her my whole heart, i wont even leave it for myself. I wanna fill those gaps in her heart by giving mine. There was a time when we talked about having kids and i said i wanted our kids to call me Baba (she called her father by that). She was so happy to hear that but little did she know, i actually agreed to it bcs i wanted her to feel close to her late father. I wanted her to always remember of her late father. She loves her late father so much, but she didnt get much time with him. Sometimes those little things that i plan to do if we get married keep on reminding me to her. So when she said that i dont want to marry her, it really sadden me. No, she is the only person that i have always imagined to have a future with. And now, she is gone and probably she already hate me. I remember on that day when i begged her to come back to me, to start over again. I remember everything that she said, i remember. That was the darkest moment in my life and i dont even want to remember it. It left some scars to my heart. I dont even have the thought of getting married with anyone else for now. Im still struggling even till now. Still recovering from the break up. Still finding my ways back to Him. I wanna focus on myself and family more. I wanna make my parents happy first. For now, i leave it to Allah when it comes to love life, partner or marriage. The right time will come when i am fully ready for it.

We have a past together. We know each other quite well. But we are not meant for each other. No matter how hard we try, we will end up split. So, "Us" is a history now. Forget about me and keep on moving forward. Dont think of me when you have someone new bcs it will hurt him. You have been living without me for a month now, so keep on doing that for another month. I am so sorry for still loving and missing you like before. I dont know how long its gonna take. Just give me a little bit more time, i will try harder to let everything go, to forget about you. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the birthday wish. Thank you for keeping on your promises, to love and care about me. I hope Allah will keep you and your mother safe no matter where both of you are.

#26062021