#i said blackrom ironically but. i actually mean it

[t-ki]

am i the only little man in th world who ships charles & mma. do they even Have a ship name.

anyway i just think that fighting n wrassling is homoerotic as fuck. thats all <3

[theorynexus]

This would seem to bring us to Post Number 60, the 62nd post of this series, if you count the decimalized ones.

LAST TIME ON MEAT EPILOGUE It would seem we are returning to John and Terezi, this time--- wooo!~   Apparently, he looks pretty bad. This is unfortunate. On the other hand:  YES, MEAT EPILOGUE CHAPTER/SECTION 6!!!

Hey, don’t try to shame John for being the sub in this situation. It’s not like he has experience with that kind of thing (not that it’s something generally to be ashamed of: I’m just saying that it is something he seems to be somewhat embarrassed about, and his inexperience meant that it wasn’t exactly by choice on his part--- which is not to suggest that Terezi molested him in any way).  Aaaannnd Trolls (especially highbloods) are supposed to be particularly vicious in nature, generally, right? It makes a whole lot of sense that that would extend to the bedroom, as well.

... But yeah, that doesn’t help with his health. He was already doing pretty badly, just after the surgery. He didn’t really need that sort of mess tacked on afterward.     Oh, and... why “mysteriously” sticky, you derp? XD

And I am glad you were kidding.   (That slapping was very interesting to hear. Hmmm.)      Yeah, him being confused and uncertain about it also feels just about right~ ~~~ On a random note, I am reading this just after going through the memo where Karkat, John, and Dave were talking about romance/the propagation of the species, and KK insisted that John and Dave stay away from troll women.    That makes this all wonderfully hilarious, in retrospect. 

Huh. I’ve never seen “cuckold” used in that sort of context before.  Indeed, this is quite the question, though.  Could John Egbert handle a blackrom? A caligionous one, at that?   A very hard question, that is.   I’m not sure he’s emotionally capable of giving himself into the kinds of hate and playful ribbing that would be constantly involved in that kind of relationship, if healthy.  I suspect it might have been just a particularly violent flushed thing, though.  We’ll see.

Pffft. Slithers.   That said:  Huh. I was not expecting that turn. Let’s see where this goes~

Oh my gosh, Dirk, would you stop being such a downer? XD I think this is indeed very, very cute~     Soul-shattering is a weird sort of term to use there, for a normal person. Seems right for Dirk, though. He understands the nuances of how shattering can be more or less than a whole break.

That is practically the definition of a subjective judgment.  I know you’re being ironic and all, but come on, man, that’s just base as heck. But yeah, I think he might have it bad, indeed. 

The question here is, “Does he mean to suggest that Andrew Hussie is God to him, or does he mistakenly [in the context of Homestuck, which has given no distinct evidence for it] believe that there was a God that he actually usurped?”   “replaced” is a very interesting and useful word, here, given the working interpretation that I have is indeed that he is interpreting AH as God and likely believes him to have abandoned Homestuck, thus removed himself from his directorial capacity over its narrative, until he managed to take over.

WHY ARE NEITHER OF YOU THINKING OF RETCON-PORTING IN TO RESCUE HER FROM HER DEMISE BEFORE IT HAPPENS?!?!?!? But yeah, you really should get home and recover first, if it is possible.

Whoops. Not a good sign. Noooot a good sign.

The Power of Three is a very strong thing.

Here we gooooooo!!!~    The first time (I think) that I’ve continued a post beyond one page!!!

No.  Also, probably Jake English. He has strange effects on people.

Wow, someone’s a bit miffed.  That said: Hooray, acknowledgement by the narrative! :’D

I do not appreciate your repeated suggestions that Jake is dumb! That said: No. No, I do not want to engage in wanton promiscuity with such a man.  I am, to put it quite simply, not interested in meaningless sexual encounters with people I am not deeply connected with. Even if I had such a bond with Jake English, I would not be inclined to engage in such activities. Quite frankly, I am not exactly partial to the type of equipment he sports. As for the political side of things... well, that’s complicated. Yeah, people can indeed become far too energized by the attractiveness of candidates and those associated with them, rather than their substance.  Maybe that’s the case, here.   I’d like to think that the actual results of the election will in fact prove people wrong. Maybe there will be exit polls that we can see excerpts of to judge things for certain.   I don’t know~

FINALLY, SOMEONE FRICKING ADMIRES THE SUFFERER!!!

Eh?  I mean, I guess even Dave and Karkat were acknowledging the possibility of a misstep. We’ll see what happens.

Heee’s probably gonna try to sabotage this, isn’t he?   Also, I wish I were more familiar with human muscle anatomy.

“The Kibosh” is a good phrase to use.  That said:  ***snerk***    It’s like Karkat has wedding day jitters. XD

Man, it is annoying how spiteful you are toward him, Dirk. Can you give him a break for just a second?   I mean, you probably caused the sweating to begin with.

Wow. Such dudebroism, which I just suddenly realized/-membered Dirk was supposed to slightly embody, somewhat.  (I blame Gamebro Magazine, and the sharp contrast between the diction there and Dirk’s writing style.) That is a funny description, though, the brain-tonguing.  Also, gosh, Jake is nervous.

Oh, hey, I think Dave’s going to finally get a feel for the Narrative, and maybe end up confronting Dirk.  That will be incredibly interesting.

Wow, this is getting to him.  It’s like he’s made of sugar, and someone’s just begun to drizzle water on him.  Or maybe made of witch.

***lip curls up in a snarl***    Dave better make this quick.  I am somehow edging on more angry at this Unreliable Narrator than I was before Alt!Calliope took over...!

Well, that’s, umm... interesting. Particularly, the cultivated Obfuscating Stupidity bit. But moreso the fact that Dirk will acknowledge he’s smarter than he seems.

Yes... I think I most definitely am more furious than ever at this piece of garbage, now.  After the sweet taste of freedom that Jake was finally able to feel, and the burst of confidence he’d found in it, you pour all of this blithering waste on him?   Jane was trying to use him!   I’m sure she hasn’t loved him for a long time, and even then, I Jake never toyed with her heart intentionally, I’m sure!   Grrrrr...!

Honestly, though, he brings up a complicated and intriguing question.  Jake has definitely been used and abused throughout his history, and at least part of his recent activity to exploit his Hope-y Assets must have been Dirk’s doing, but how much of his sexually promiscuous revelry has actually been something that he would not and did not choose, say, as a result of his drinking problem, rather than him reveling in his identity as a   

WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE 

 just as your pre-Scratch self was?  Regardless of the level of culpability he actually has in the matters of his life, he is nowhere near deserving of this kind of shaming, and Dirk should be ashamed of himself for this kind of disgusting behavior which he is almost certainly engaging in specifically to throw Jake off.

Oh, also, victim blaming is BS, and the answer is an unequivocal, “You, you insincere, megalomaniacal, self-justifying dirtbag.”

***is so fricking ANGRY that it is taking a great deal of willpower not to release a roar of primal fury and break my hand on my computer screen*** THIS IS NOT HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK!!! THAT IS NOT HOW SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO SUBMIT TO YOU LIKE THAT WILL BEHAVE, YOU FFF---     ***RRRRRGH!!!***

YOU HAD BETTER NOT FRICKING LISTEN TO THIS GARBAGE, JAKE!!! RESIST HIS INFLUENCE, AND---         Huh. The thought just occurred to me that both Dave and Jake could be interpreted as stand-ins for Simon, if Dirk were Kamina (despite how different Kamina’s personality is from Dirk’s), because Simon really seems like he could be interpreted as a Page of Hope too, for some reason (but curse my ADHD! XwX)   ---AND DEFEAT HIM WITH YOUR HOPE BUBBLE!!!

...  At least he apologized. For what that is worth.    This is going to seem so obvious to Dave, though.  Obviously, he isn’t going to kill his Bro, but... well, let’s see how things turn out. Hmm. Also, this is hilarious insofar as it derailed the press conference and probably took away much of the steam that could have been generated for the Karkat/Vantas ticket by Jake’s endorsement, but it doesn’t exactly do all that much for Jane Crocker’s side, either.  It was a very sickening and weird spectacle, but I am not sure how it will actually play out in their favor?   Seems like it might cause Jane’s side trouble, and might cause tensions between them.

I still can never consistently remember what “smh” means. But yes, “HICCUP???” is right.   STOP HIM, DAVE!!!  

TACKLE HIM AWAY INTO THE FUTURE!!!

Realistically, he should have no problem with speed at all. Time power shown a la cheating with Jade in games should let him get there instantly, and even his flash step that he has shown since before entering the Game should allow him to get there on time.      Man, Dirk is a prick about manipulating things. Especially since we are going to see things derailed and shift to another setting, right when Jake is supposedly going to make the biggest contribution he’ll ever make.  WHICH DOESN’T EVEN FRICKING MAKE SENSE!!!

[tropicalgoon]

Spoilers for the Homestuck Epilogue below.

First things first, i had caught up reading Homestuck on the exact day the Gigapause started (10/16/13). So long pauses and people arguing about canon was pretty common. Then the comic ended but later we got snapchats. Once the snapchats started coming people were unsure how ‘canon’ the snapchats were. Also    

i was surprised with how fast the rest of the Epilogue came out. I figured it would have been drip fed like the comic was but reading it now i can see why that was not the case. If you haven't read the Epilogue i have one thing to say.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONTENT WARNINGS THEY ARE NOT JOKES.

With that out the way, i think the biggest shift in the Epilogue vs the actual comic is that everything is way more mature. While Homestuck was full of angsty, snarky teens and a lot of jokes, ironic and not, the Epilogue overall has a more somber, powerless mood to it.

Also one more thing, i do not have a fav character or ship. So that might be why im upset about how it is.

Now i read the Candy choice first so ill talk about that. Now as soon as i saw the juju i knew it was going to have an effect. And i was right, the juju makes people feel okay with their surroundings and so when John ate it he felt at ease with the chaos his life and friends were becoming. But hoo boy did everyone suck all around. 

i knew Gamzee was gonna be back and i was not wrong. i think the whole iVe bEeN GeTtIn mY MoThErFuCkIn rEdEmPtIoN On sO EvErYtHiN I Do iS GoOd was a funny bit but maaaaaan did it get a lil crazy. Jake has always been a doormat and easily manipulated. So nothing too new there but it was nice when he ran off with lil tavros. Also i guess hes the earth c equivalent to a kardashian.

 It really surprised me how fast Roxy got together with John. In fact the Candy Roxy is way different than the meat Roxy. i guess thats the juju at work. Rose was sick with an “illness” but soon after the candy was ate she got “better”. What actually happened was she stopped trying to open her mind to the infinite degree and just let herself live in the moment and be truly happy. It was nice to see her and Kanaya have a happy life, at least until everything went bad. As for Dirk i felt bad for him because he always had that whole meta textual self importance thing going on so when he offed himself i was like oh no. Its nice that him and Dave had bro-sesions.

And now time to talk about Jade, Dave, and Karkat. It feels like Dave and Karkat have mostly stayed the same with a few big differences.1) they both are a little less insufferable, 2) Karkat has accepted he is a leader and 3) their tip toeing around relationships was kinda annoying. Which brings me to Jade. She was butting into all three of their relationships trying to force them to admit feelings. While ive seen some people say Hussie killed Jade i personally dont think so. Jade was always a headstrong, stubborn person who would go after what she wanted and i mean she was on an island by herself for most of her life if she wants to have fun let her. 

Jane really went off the deep end. Which i dont think was so far off her canon personality in the comic. Her denying being xenophobic while being incredibly xenophobic was funny but also pretty real. While i didnt like they way she interacted with Jake it honestly fits in with what happens in the comic. (the trickster stuff, the crockercorp kidnapping). Her whole shadowy rise to hidden power was inevitable also i feel like she was really echoing the Condense on earth. Allowing Gamzee to spread his faith while funneling her wealth and fame into passing the policies and laws she wants. I do not think its out of character for her and Dirk to hate trolls since their lives were so affected by them. 

Johns depression clouding his judgement and making him not want to react was sad to read. It really felt like he was just drifting around, letting all of the situations and chaos just wash over him. So when he was talking to Terezi and she helped him make sense of things it was a nice turn of pace.

Speaking of Terezi, its sad how long she went chasing after (Vriska). As of this moment i dont really think the quadrant system is really in place anymore (at least relationships with humans in it). With John and Terezi talking to each other it really felt like blackrom.  “1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y”. It is sad her obsession with finding (Vriska) led to her dying in the void.

Seeing Aradia and Sollux was a surprise but they really didnt add much to anything (esp. Sollux). It was kinda funny how much of a dickhead Cade (Calliope Jade) was towards her. Cade was interesting. i really feel like she acts like she did in the comic. 

(Vriska) returning was also not a surprise. She THE most known character. Of course she would be back, but not by her own accord. She wants the spotlight, she HAS to have it. Now that she is trapped on earth c she is now out of canon and so she is out of the spotlight. Thats why she was wailing about needing to SEE it. I think its kinda funny she ends up having a quick fling with Gamzee, and he tries to sell her on his redemption arc bullshit. It really shows how far her obsession has let her fall.

And now its time for meat. Honestly im glad i read candy first because meat was really nice to read after candy. As i said with candy, i figured meat would be the more active of the two (duality like the cherubs). 

First off it was really nice to see how much Dave believes in Karkat and how he thinks Karkat would be leader earth c NEEDS. In Meat they still have their relationship drama with themselves and Jade. I really feel like shes slightly more direct in this one. After the blowup 

John dealing with Roses instructions, finding and bringing together the younger versions of themselves so they could go fight a younger Caliborn and getting sucked into the the house juju was not a surprise since its been theorized thats what would happen. Of course Rose did not warn him, or even tell him what to do. Even when the younger versions of Johns friends die and get hurt he still tries to save them. 

Jake is a very powerful figure in the new earth, he doesnt even realize it. Which leads to everyone trying to get him on their sides. I honestly feel like this is partly his page powers (but then again the classes and aspects dont mean all that much) but he has always been unconfrontational and a doormat. Dirk, Jane, Dave, and Karkat only want to use him for his ass and fame so they can further their agendas. 

i think its rather fitting that (Vriska) doesnt get to see how the battle against Lord English ended. It was GREAT to see Davepetasprite^2 make a comeback and fight Lord English. She KNOWS the final battle isnt her battle but she is still THE ONE who turns the tide. She’s the one who has brought the winning piece so its still a victory of hers by proxy. Also she does not have the talk with Vriska (rose and kanayas kid) on a clown throw pillow so she does not get to do the self reflection she needs. Instead she gets sucked into a black hole.

The Jane and Dirk combo was not surprising, they both had the hangups about Jake and i feel like it ended the same way. Once they got what they wanted it was no longer exciting, or mysterious. But reading the political sabotage and Dirks plans coming together made me realize he was using her for his own gains too. 

Now the whole Rose dying because her physical body couldn't contain the infiniteness of infinity was truly heartbreaking. Especially when Dirk was fucking with Kanaya. i do not know how much of Rose was being manipulated by Dirk and how much was her wanting to end her chronic suffering(2real4me). Addressing all of the....implications around those two. i really do not think they ran off to be together. i believe Rose is the first person Dirk has really connected with on a actual personal level. From what ive seen he does not really treat people as well... people. I think him and Rose are feeling the, “i am the only real person here and everyone else is a puppet” feeling John and Terezi was talking about. But unlike John, Dirk was never one to sit idly by, hes a mechanic after all. All the pieces have to be in place.

The whole bit with Cade and dirk taking control of the narrative was something i feel like has been building up for a long while. The unreliable narrator has been established a few times in the comic, in friendsim, and now in the epilogue. But it does raise a good question about who has been narrating the story and can they be trusted to give us the truth. We saw Dirk acknowledge that he is not unbiased and says things as he sees it. Cade says shes unbiased and just gives the whole truth but all i can think about is how she made Jane carefully cradle the juju and put it on the mantle. Watching Dirk outsmart Cade was defiently exciting to read. I cannot wait to see where all of this is leading to. 

Do i think thats the end of both of Davepetasprite^2 and Lord English? No, as the comic has always said,” Don’t turn your back on the body.” We dont know where they ended up but we’ll just have to wait for more to come out and i cant wait. Does Rose, Dirk, and Terezi (i guess) have an agenda, yes. Do i have any goddamn idea what that is? Nope, and im fine with that. Overall i enjoyed both of them.

[solarianradiance]

Black Romance

The Black Quadrant of Troll Romance intrigues me to no end, and makes my thoughts churn like a creative slurry in a bucket, wandering what exactly its like under long term circumstances, the little intricacies of unwritten rules and expectations to be found within this sort of relationship.

How did it even first occur? What in Troll biology cause it to be a such a strong fixture in their social culture?

Perhaps these questions will be answered one day... probably in a way that makes me wish they hadn't and force me to moan like a lil bitch in disappointment.

We can only speculate for now however... which is what im going to do.

In its history, Black Romance likely started as a genuine desire to kill a rival, likely over the feelings of the same Matesprite, but unable to do so, in spite of the genuinely serious trying at mutual murder, only to find they dont mind each other so much, even if they dont like many other aspects about them~

 Even though they try to kill their rival they actually begin to make one another as strong as possible through constant conflict. Like two Knights sharpening their skills in a friendly sparing match. After all, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Given Troll society, they likely take this notion to heart.

Through this rivalry, their partner is made as strong as possible, so they may live to see each other again another day.

I think, in my opinion, a Black Romance is a relationship born of Hate and Irritation, but evolves into a genuine mutual love and respect.

It starts as Hate, but becomes Love over time.

They may start in opposite directions, but they ultimately end up in the same place.

Any actual pain inflicted upon your rival is to make them dulled and numb to that pain. Makes them ready to deal with it mentally. Their weak traits being absolved or mitigated to some extent, and their strengths expanded and reinforced.

The individuals, sharpen each others knives for their partners to use one another, so that they may also sharpen their skills, ensuring that they are both full prepared for the trials ahead.

A Black Romance usually revolves around the two partners actually trying to hurt and injure one another, both verbally and physically, but not cripple, maim or kill their opponent. Its the two trying to Dominate, but not so thoroughly as they cannot grow as individuals. To remove the blemishes in their techniques, working out the kinks in execution.

Blackroms must have times of bonding and enjoyment, a break from the conflict, to relieve stress... by ♠any♠means♠necessary♠~

This often revolves around the two Haters tending to eachothers wounds, and enjoying the typical Red Romance activities, like dinner and a movie, albeit with a side of snark, super sized. Probably poisoning their partners meal, just enough for them to get an upset stomach and vomit over it all.

Signs of affection take the forms of hand holding, kissing, and small levels of antagonisms such as harmless insults or mild scuffles. One method is manipulation to encourage romantic retaliations, such as stealing clothes, pranking their rival, or even publicly humiliating them in way that will embarrass them but wont destroy their standing or self-esteem.

Anything that gets under their skin without causing permanent harm goes and one must always be on guard and never show signs of weakness or reveal any information to their kismesis, lest they use this against their partner.

One sign of devotion in a relationship is wearing the colors of your partner. In the case of a Matesprit, its their favorite color.

In the case of a Kismesis, its their blood color, or at least a color they may hate.

All relationships are born of trust, but for a Kismesissitude, it is far more important, for they must both understand they are not trying to kill eachother while trying to wound one another. 

A good sign of trust is allowing your Kismesis to wear your clothes with minimal reservation, as they probably wont destroy it outright, but probably will at least modify it, such as dying it another color.

This trust is what is crucial for it to succeed, they have to try and hurt without killing. And due to nature of the relationship, they try to one up each other constantly.

Stabbing someone in the arm may result in them cutting off your hand in response.

This often results in the one of them killing their partner kind of unintentionally while being caught up in a whirlwind of passionate hatred~

Sometimes in bed even.

These bouts of hate filled fighting can spill over into society at large, causing damage and injury to others and their property.

This is why the Auspices were founded~

The importance of the Auspice in a Black Romance is critical, for they serve as the referees, and prevent the relationship from getting out of hand. The loss of one or both individuals can be devastating to the group, especially if they’re of great standing and use to said group. Losing your own members to themselves is embarrassing to say the least.

They at minimum, keep the two individuals focused, preventing them from getting embroiled in their bitter dark chocolate freakishness, and having them stay civil as well as decent in public.

Anyone can be an Auspice, be they a passing stranger, or a concerned friend. But many Auspices are more permanent fixtures, usually one party members current Moirail or Matesprite.

But most often, it is normally a third party that is a mutual friend, that aides in keeping things from getting out of hand. A platonic friend that can help cool the flames and calm the storms, so the ship will not sink.

But Not All Ashenroms Are Platonic~

Some Are Polyamourous Relationships Where The individuals Engage in Mutually Consenting Frivolity In Their Own Various Ways, Be They ♥Flushed♣Or♣Pitched♠ And Can Vary On The Individuals Involved, Creating A Sort Of Menagerie Of Earthly Delights, One Could Compare To A Candy Store With A Wide Variety Of Sugary Treats To Suit Every Taste~~~

Which Makes Such Relationships Quite Appealing To Most People~

However, there are times when someone is Auspicing for their own selfish desires. Attempts may be done by the Auspice to change the nature of the relationship, and pull an individual into another Quadrant.

This is why they are known to be “Meddlers”, and prolonged Ashroms are rare, especially when they dont make it to the bedroom.

When they do make it in, its normally so the two individuals can pail and the 3rd party ensures they dont kill one another and nothing more. Once completed, the relationship may continue or end.

If an Auspice doesn't know what they are doing, they may be unable to keep up and be ineffective, or even make the situation worse.

But in the case that an Auspice does succeed, and pays their cards right, everyone can have a grand old time together, creating a rare instance where more than two individuals has a well balanced Romance with variety.

Black Romance often ends in two rivals breaking apart, either they cant handle the stress or one of them dies, usually at the hands of their partner. Or one of them simply gets bored, and doesn't feel fulfilled like they once were.

A Black Romance is after all, based in enthusiastic engagement, and it is not unusual for the relationship to end in mutual separation.

But there are times when one side loses the romantic aspect, and the hate turns true and genuine, and kills their partner on purpose.

There are even instances of cruel situations where one partner is manipulating their other for dark machinations.

Machinations that are Darker than Black

Abuse does often occur, but a proper Pitched relationship has consent, subtext and subtle hints giving expressing desires, and when fulfilled, there is aftercare, wounds are dressed, and reminders that there is affection. Should a deed go too far, a boundary overstepped, a true Kismesis will in one way or another, express regret and remorse over a transgression.

Transgression may include overly controlling behavior, emotionally isolating them, direct harm with intent to cripple or kill, engaging in a relationship with your Kismesis’s actual enemies who want to kill them, destroying what is valued and cant be replaced and manipulating them for personal gains at their permanent expense, especially when they cant afford it.

A Kismesis cares for their partners feelings and well being, and a good one goes out of their way to ensure they are secure and safe, even when having fun.

An abuser does not.

But then there are the very rare instances, where Kismesissitude is so strong and so stable and healthy between partners, that they seemingly end up in the same place as a end of a Flushed romance.

A truly loving rivalry, whose only goal in it, is the joy of having it.

When it happens, its like Black Magic.

The two seem to engage in bantering and mutual antagonism, yet its clear they’re enjoying each other in the act. Vacillating between Red, Black and Pale all within moments.

Should a Black Romantic Couple reach this level, they stay together simply because they love being together.

Marriage exists within Troll society, though it is rare, especially when its outside ones blood caste.

Black Marriages are particularly rare, as the process of getting Hate Married is rather intense.

A proposal involves biting off eachothers right ring finger and swallowing it. Which is pretty hardcore if you ask me.

Which turned out to be too hardcore, which was phased out for simply biting a wound into their partners finger instead

Which was also phased out as it was a custom from a time before oral hygiene was a thing, people died due to infection.

Afterwords it became a case of merely scaring, then branding, then finally tattooing in your fiance’s sign in their blood color on your right ring finger.

A simple wedding ring is also acceptable, usually some cheap metal, like a Black iron ring.

Finally, the two tell each other a special secret about one another, usually something quite humiliating, as a means of making blackmail, so that either one wants to declare a divorce, they simply air their others dirty laundry.

[sburbian-sage]

How To Assimilate to Alternia

After every session, the players are dropped into a new universe for a new session. Old news. However, Trolls can get human universes and vice versa. This presents a dilemma. When I was unceremoniously dumped into this death world, I had to adapt quickly. Using my experiences, and other research, I have a few tips for how a human can survive that place, and without being trollracist in the process. Also useful if a troll from one caste has to emulate one of another.

Quirk Assimilation

Every troll has a Quirk, which is how they type and speak. Once you become the new troll, you’ll have to upkeep so as to not raise suspicion. You could just cut the lies, but it’s best to keep a low over until the meteors hit. When your planet is dying, you tend to believe a lot of stuff.

Best case scenario here is that the troll has some program or app that auto-quirks. If not, activate Trollian (this world’s version of Pesterchum) and look through previous conversations to piece together the quirk. Unfortunately, activating Trollian displays that you are “on”, and no doubt will someone troll you. So time to put those lessons to the grindstone.

Everyone forgets that Quirks are also spoken. This catches a lot of humans because we don’t know how to say “h3ll0″, and just saying “hello” doesn’t cut it. Put inflection. If you have to say “0h n0″, go hollow. And if the Quirk is “A LOT OF SCREAMING”, go SCREAM. But not too loud, I don’t know if Alternia has drinkable water, and grubsauce is shit.

Psionic Assimilation

Some trolls have Psionics, psychic powers. It’s common in lowblooded trolls, but uncommon the higher up in the hemospectrum. If you’re now a rust, chances are you originally has psionics. But now you don’t. Unless you’re the 2% of humans with PSI, but that’s unlikely. So this is tricky.

The easiest way to get out of it is faking an accident. Don’t use Trollian, trash your hive, and when you come back on, spread that lusus-shit story. Maybe change your quirk to be more “broken” too. If they used a lot of uppercase V’s, maybe make them W’s like something got smashed in your cognitive functions.

But some friends/enemies (those words are technically the same) might try to check up on you to perform first aid, or a finishing move. So just downplay it. If someone wants you to do psychic wizard shit, tell them to buzz off. Photoshop some picks of you doing said wizard shit. Just don’t let them get close.

Unless they’re a psychic wizard and can tell when you lie, in which case, it didn’t really matter. But they’ll have the good sense to not snitch.

Romance Assimilation

Get ready, bub.

First off, get ready to get steeped in romance. There are 4 types of romance, trolls are bisexual and poly-amorous, and they need it to live. You will be drowning in adoring bfs and gfs. But you need to learn the ups and downs, or you WILL drown.

Trolls think pity is love, hate is a valid basis for relationships, and that being a friend is also dating, so let’s extrapolate. 

Matespritship (<3), the Flushed Quadrant, is when two trolls, the Matesprits, have positive feelings like pity, admiration, respect, or actual genuine friendship, and take it to a personal level. It’s like regular human relationships.

Moirallegiance (<>), the Pale Quadrant, is when two Moirails enter a platonic bond for the sake of balancing each other out, and to help them deal with things. It’s like having a best friend, but romantic not really.

Auspisticism (o8<), the Ashen Quadrant, is when two parties are on the fringes of entering a Kismesissitude, but the third part, the Auspistice, keeps them from entering that. Usually done because it would be unhealthy. Not going to lie, there’s little difference between Auspisticism and blackrom-cockblocking. Keep people from killing each other.

Kismesissitude (<3<), the Caliginous Quadrant, is like Matespritship, but not positive, more negative. The subjects enter a rivalry, and hate each other, but still see traits they like. So they turn ambiguously-romantic rivalry into a nonambiguous romance.

Did that make sense? No?

Good.

Blood Hierarchy

Or the Hemospectrum. For reasons that violate biology that I will not get into, all trolls have different coloured blood. This ranges a vast spectrum, but the 12 official ones range a spectrum from burgundy to pink. Generally, red is peasantry and blue is aristocracy. Which is ironic if you know earth idioms, but this is real.

Any other blood colours are Mutant bloods, like candy red (yours), pale white, rainbow, or even being a hue off. Naturally, possessing mutant blood is HERESY *BLAM* is irregular, and will be met with summary execution. 

Wait, why did I make a Warhammer joke? This is literally Paranoia.

Anyway, this part is important. You will look like a troll. They often wear clothes with their blood colour on it. But if you bleed, it will be your blood. Since this guide is intended for humans, that means mutant-red blood, punishable by culling. Granted, there is one upside: before entry, the universe will not allow you to die. However, it can do everything to you just short of that. And to me, there’s not a lot of difference between execution and horrible maiming. Especially because having all your limbs crippled leads to the first thing.

Highblood Privilege

AKA, “Pink Dies Too”. Alternia is harsh on lowbloods. This is not hidden, they are brutal. So one would think that being highblood is a lucky roll. In which case, keep dreaming.

While lowbloods are brutalized often, they have one advantage; numbers. There’s simply so many of them. Assimilating as a lowblood is easy, just keep your horns down, and you’re golden. Highbloods, however, are rarer, and have more focus. If a lowblood walks into a highblood’s hive, people may assume it’s so they highblood can torment them, and nobody will blink. A highblood walks into a lowblood’s hive, and there will be investigations.

And this isn’t to speak of fuchsia and violet bloods. You will visually have gills, but they don’t work. This will make people wonder. And may Skaia have mercy if you get fuchsia. The ruler, Her Imperious Condescension, will send assassins. Once again, fear not death, but incredible, brutal violence.

So now you know what life in Alternia is. Now go find a deity to praise and pray that you don’t get sent there.