#i should be reviewing for finals tomorrow but I can't resist

[greycaelum]

canon compliant au where reader and satoru have already had kouki and are currently expecting their second baby but he gets sealed and can't see his family for a few years till he gets unsealed. the baby gojo was expecting to be born already being a toddler and seeing him for the first time wondering who this stranger is and why he's in her family's house AHHH THE ANGST

I remember, I wrote a drabble/headcanon (?) about Satoru being sealed off knowing Y/n was pregnant.

In case you guys wanna see that one it's [ here ] And I hope you enjoy this one.

Y/n and Kouki would definitely keep a photograph and tell Saika about it every day. It's ingrained in Kouki and her brain that Satoru is their father, even though Sai hasn't met him yet.

I think Y/n would take the kids away and out of reach from the Jujutsu Society so all Saika knows is that, Papa is away because he has an obligation and he's coming home soon.

When they go out they'd kiss and tell 'Satoru' that they're going out. Before going to bed kiss the picture good night and... "When are you coming home, Papa?" when they feel really alone and Y/n is working.

On a normal day, a six-year-old Kouki is busy reading a book, and a two-year-old Saika is waiting for her mother who went out to get Yakult from the nearby convenience store. The doorbell rang, the first ring... then a long interval between the second ring rang.

"Stay here, I'll get the door." Kouki stood up and walk to the camera of the front door lock. Saika however followed her big brother.

"Is that Mama with Yakult?" The little toddler asked, tugging her brother's shirt. "Onii-chan, Sai is hungry. Mama not yet?"

Kouki wasn't able to answer and hurriedly ran to the door, slamming it open. A man is squatting in front of their door, this man took off his blindfold and the familiar teary-eyed blue eyes landed on the two kids.

"I'm home..."

Kouki could not speak anymore but ran into Satoru's open arms almost knocking his father over. Saika on the other hand grew skeptical of this stranger that looks so familiar. Kouki Onii-chan is hugging the stranger so tight while crying.

"Dada?" Saika inclined her head to the side and ran inside the house.

Satoru's heart sank seeing his daughter run away from him the very first time he laid her eyes on her. She's the exact spitting image of his arctic hair and blue eyes but she's just like you, the soft eyes and adorable nose even the curve of the gentle lips. And he lost all the years of seeing her learn to crawl and stand. He lost so much...

"I'm home Kikufuku, I miss you, buddy." Satoru squeezes his son tightly, memorizing what use to be a baby now a boy who is still the same soft and tender child.

Saika came running back and stop in front of Satoru with curious eyes. Satoru saw something in her hand. Saika tug his sleeve and showed the photo frame. "Dada?" She squeaks in a cute and inquiring voice.

"Y-Yes. it's Dada." Satoru burst into a chuckle but a tear fell down his eyes, beckoning the small girl into his arms, gently hugging the fragile body, scared that he might hurt this little treasure. In his eyes and in his touch he's still his baby girl... A baby girl he finally got to hold in his arms. The baby he kept dreaming inside that dreadful place.

"I love you both." Satoru's throat tightened and kiss the crown of his children's heads. "I'm home, Papa's home." He inhaled and felt the small fingers of his daughter fiddle with his blindfold while holding the photo frame and sink her head into his shoulders silently like her brother, both just basking in Satoru's presence.

"Satoru?" The hard thing fell on the floor and your shaking voice rang in their eyes.

Satoru's heart painfully clenched, you lost so much weight and your shoulders are slackened. You wasted no time and envelope them in your arms, kissing your husband's forehead while tears stream down your face.

"I'm back Baby, I'm home Y/n," Satoru smiled and for a long time, his heart raced so hard it might break his ribs but he is feeling a sense of peace. The family he fought hard to come home to is finally right here in his arms.

—Grey,

[amourexion]

a Call Me by Your Name watching experience: reminiscing first love

(warning: SPOILERS!)

i'd like to share my watching experience rather than write some review about this film after four times watching it (and maybe fifth by tomorrow). no need to breakdown the story, it's no twist. the feeling is.

first time i watch the trailer, i was giddy as hell from the excitement. the trailer only has offered the feeling of gut-wrench and asphyxiation. the tears almost welling up in my eyes that time. with zero possibility of this film screened in my country and its absence from every corner of the internet, i watched and watched the trailer for countless time, and said feeling never deceased.

by the time the film present in the internet (gosh, finally! after 2 months of waiting), i discovered it a day after my birthday, so guess what? best birthday present ever! door closed, lights out, headphones on, as sacred as possible to treat this film, i began my roller-coaster of emotion.

my first watch

i watched it in a full concentration, i admit. i didn't want to miss any feeling. the beginning is rather a comedy, on how Elio dealt with his crushing feeling to Oliver like a complete teenager. how restless, how giddy; how he slowly lost his guard by the time he spent some more time with Oliver, and vice versa. and the revelation of their feelings towards each other--how sensual and loving, leaving you envy and craving to be held like them. nearing the time of Oliver's departure from Perlman's villa, things got more emotional on both sides. and the farewell is no good (or is it just me who can't stand watching Elio got all teary-eyed). tears wouldn't stop rolling on my cheeks after their farewell, as it was me who should, very reluctantly, let go of my first, beautiful love.

oh, and the ending. how i hate and love this scenes. and another prove that i can't watch Elio's sharp, striking, and beautiful feature drown in tears, as i, along with Elio, cried the heart out of ours at the last three minutes of the film. it is that type of film that would leave you stoned-silent even after the credits stop rolling. i got the strong empathy for Elio, and by now i haven't fully recovered from that feeling. i can hear his heart broken piece by piece inside him, as he slowly processed the news Oliver brought. and the very last scene! Timothée Chalamet deserve a very Oscar for that scene alone.

is first love always leave us like this?

we all know that Oliver is Elio's first love, and what he shared with his first is undoubtedly beautiful. after Oliver's departure and Oliver's marriage, i don't think Elio have really moved on. if you think what Elio and Oliver had during the summer is mere a fling, i don't think so. it did occur in a rather short span of time, but short time didn't resist the feeling to get stronger and stronger. in the beginning part of film we can see that Elio's attraction towards Oliver was sexual, proved by what Elio did to suppress his feeling when he was alone. but the feeling evolved into something much meaningful called love. cliché as how it sounds, but i can feel rather than see it in the film. when Elio hugged Oliver for the first time in the midnight scene, i can see and feel that Elio tried to convey everything within the hug-- the i-miss-yous, where-have-you-beens, please-dont-ever-let-me-gos, and love, love, love. and their encounters after, which is so heartwarming--i don't think Elio would simply move on without anchored to his summer experience. or maybe for Oliver too, although he's about to get married.

after my fourth watch, i begin to realise something in common between Elio and i--devastating first love. so i admit it. i had my first crush at 13. it was just an admiration at the beginning. but after so much time spent together, although mostly on professional occassions, the admiration developed into something more, and i dare to call it love. but i think it was kind of one-sided, since i never did something for my feelings and he kept move along with girlfriends. but after one and other girlfriend, he kept finding way back to me with god knows what business. when i am 17, finally, we did something like walk together, cinema (not just the two of us, but i count it), talking about each other's vision of life. on my 18th birthday he gave me something that i only read once or twice until now. i didn't dare to open it again, it was full of hope--hope of ours. and after that, nothing ever happen to us. we continued our respected lives, or at least i tried to. i looked for other boys, but nothing special had ever happened. and now, 20, i just had a recent encounter with him. it was just a simple text, only him inviting me to join his literature club (oh how we shared so many passion). i, being the coward, chose not to reply him, as my denial came up and told me to go find another, that it was just his formality with a friend with similar passion. i thought i was over it, but i often found myself revisiting all those few and small moments, with a little feeling inside me to have it back; to have him back, though i never really have him.

no, mine and Elio's story are not the same. what Elio had was so much more beautiful than mine. but here we are, still hoping to nowhere, to get back with our first loves, how much we deny it.