#i should have just made him a flippy boy with no other talents

[inkwingart]

me whispering softly but with feeling: fuck violins

[chick-from-nz]

Paper, Scissors, Rank (Ch: 6)

CHARACTER/PAIRING: Modern!Carrillo x Army!OC (eventually) 

WARNINGS: maybe some swearing, military slang, more military talk,  spelling and grammatical errors. Flippy floppy points of view and tenses. Could be very OOC/AU for some. Carrillo may not be narcos accurate as this is an AU. Some OC x OC 

AUTHORS NOTE: not too much happening this chapter, again a big thank you to @1zashreena1 for helping me with my ideas for this chapter. finally a first name for the OC, and Sinclair being a dick. hope yall enjoy

WORD COUNT: 3.1K

CHAPTER: 6 OF ?

TAG LIST(OPEN): @girlpornparadise @1zashreena1 @xxidontwikeitxx @nicke0115 @allalngthewtchtower @lettherebrelight

Greyson woke with a gasp, her head was pounding like she’d been on a week long bender, and her jaw ached beyond measure. She went to sit up only to fall back clutching her side in pain, Ugh what the fuck.  Shaking away the blurry vision that came with waking up, she allowed her eyes to adjust to her surroundings. She took in the clinically white walls and curtains, the bed that looked too medical to be her own and finally her eyes landed on the tubes in her arms. Why the fuck am I in the hospital!. A fresh wave of panic shot through the cadet as she went to climb out of the bed and find someone to explain to her what the hell she was doing here. But as she went to sit up again a pair of large, strong hands softly pinned her back in place. She swung to her right ready to give the person a piece of her mind, only to make eye contact with a pair of tired looking deep brown eyes. What’s Colonel Carrillo doing here?

“Don’t move Second Lt Greyson, you’re not in good shape” He offered softly. “I’ll go grab the medic in charge. Stay put” the last bit was said as more of a light order. He knew from her grimace when she woke that she was in more pain than she let on. He’d seen a similar look on his own face one to many times. He patted her gently on the shoulder, as to not aggravate her injuries any further, and turned to walk out the door and alert the medics, only to be stopped by a smaller, softer hand grabbing his own.

“Sir, what do you mean Second Lieutenant? I haven’t graduated yet!” Anger, always her go to emotion, bled through the initial confusion in her tone. There was no way she had graduated, she would remember that surely. She dared a glance at his face but first noted the way she was gripping his hand with such force she was probably hurting him. She dropped his hand like he was made of fire. Eyes dragged over his torso slowly, his shoulders were slumped, his posture nothing like the Colonel she was used to seeing, if only briefly. What the fuck has gotten into him?. “Sir, is something wrong?” her tone was soft enough to shock herself, was she subconsciously trying to comfort him, she shook that thought off, now is not the time for that you idiot.

Carrillo sighed, running a hand over his face like he was trying to wash away the hours a day he had spent reading over files while keeping a watch over her. He knew that when she came to, she would waffle off questions a mile a minute, without much of a care from her injuries. He had read over any report that contained highly detailed information about her. He had sat down with each cadet and discussed what she was like in training before he arrived. Most of the cadets enjoyed her company, looked up to her and envied her unparalleled skills. Yes some of the females were jealous of how she seemed to fit in with some of the boys and how many of the male instructors paid attention to her, but none displayed the attitude or mental instability  to want to physically hurt the cadet who laid awake in the hospital bed before him.

One way or another he knew the truth would come out, he could only hope that she would not try and seek vengeance when they finally found the culprit, or maybe it would help her , he mused.  “You’ve been laid up in bed for just over a week Greyson, whoever did this to you knew what they were doing and hit you hard. I’ll let the medics cover most of it but, you're a permanent member of my team now, your position in the army is safe. Congratulations for graduating” The last bit was added as a kind of after statement and accompanied with a shrug. He didn't really know what to say to the young officer before him. The attack on her had put the base, and his team who were currently scattered on deployments, into high alert. He didn’t know how to explain it but the sinking feeling at losing a team member, one as talented as she was, so soon had cut him deeper than he’d ever admit. Strange for only having known Greyson for no longer than a few weeks.

Greyson lay there stunned while watching him leave the room. Out for over a week, everyone has graduated, and she’s a permanent member of his team?. Who knew so much could happen while being unconscious for a week. Her side was itchy, too itchy. Lifting the blankets that covered her body and taking in a relatively large white bandage on her side has her eyes growing wide. The fuck happened to me.  Obviously her injuries were worse than the Colonel let on. He had said she’d been targeted, so whoever had done this had motive. The only motive against her she could think of was her tarnished last name because of her father. Of course that prick's mistakes would come round to bite me in the ass. Greyson laughed and regretted it instantly. The pain that radiated from her left side was some of the worst she’d felt since breaking three of her ribs in a kickboxing tournament, actually, now that she thought about it, the pain was the same. It wouldn’t surprise her if she had broken those same ribs again.

Turns out, she was, in fact, correct. The medics had entered the room a short while after the Colonel had left and detailed her injuries. Four broken ribs, a split eyebrow, forehead split from the opposite eyebrow to the scalp, a concussion that she would be nursing for another week or so, a broken nose that would soon be healed and last but not least, an inch deep stab wound to her left side that went from just above her hip to just below her ribs. Whoever had done this really did a number on her, that was for sure. The list of injuries sure came as a shock to the soldier, it was clear that the person who committed this crime was out for blood, and it was almost as though they had sought to kill her but had been spooked by someone entering the gym. She definitely had to see Calliope and thank him for saving her life, and thank Carrillo for saving her damn career.

It was around an hour or so later that her door opened again, presuming it was just the Colonel coming to check to make sure she hadn’t carked it since he last left the room, she didn’t bother to open her eyes or lift her head from the position of comfortable rest she was in. A mistake on her behalf, she tensed when a hand grabbed her own and began rubbing small circles on her palm. There was no way this was the Colonel. The hands were arguably smaller and not as calloused as the aforementioned mans were. Not that I paid attention to that, she told herself. Or more accurately, lied to herself. It was practically the only thing she had focused on when she had reached out to grab a hold of him. She could not shake the feeling of those strong, calloused and oh so large and warm hands travelling across other parts of her body. Ok seriously, not the way to think of him, even if he is a god of a man.  

Daring to open an eye just enough to get a glimpse of the person in her room, she nearly clambered from the bed in shock, although it really should not have come as a surprise to her that the Lt. Colonel had found his way into her room. She observed the fact that he looked shattered. Big dark circles under his eyes, slumped posture, and eyes that made him look less like the jovial forever joking around man and more like the man who carried the rank of Lt. Colonel. She heard what sounded like a sniffle come from the man, is he really crying right now?

Sinclair was indeed crying. He felt partially responsible for what had happened to the young officer in the bed before him. Maybe if he hadn’t have pushed her then she would have graduated with her pairs and be running round learning the ways of her new team. But no, here she was lying in a bed she had no place being, with an amount of stitches he didn’t even want to think about and probably hating his guts. Which he felt was probably the most accurate response she could have to this situation. Still, he had to try his luck. She had, after all, graduated and was now a serving officer.

“I’m fucking sorry, Ash. I should’ve gone after you and talked it out. I didn't want you to think badly about me because of it” He sniffed, voice cracked, but he continued on, “It's all my fault, i should never have put you in the position, I’m sorry” his voice tapered off at the end, broken slightly by his now croaky voice as the tears began to come full force, emotion over taking him more than he thought possible. He genuinely liked this girl, despite going about it the wrong way, he felt deeply for her and would continue to even if she rejected him, although this time he would cut his losses and attempt to move on. He jumped briefly when he felt her hand close in around his, he didn’t know she was awake. Now he felt stupid for crying.

“Sir, it’s not your fault, I don’t blame you for what happened. If anything, it’s my own fault for continuing to feel something for you even when I knew nothing could ever come of it. And for that I’m sorry” she stopped to gather herself, taking a deep breath before continuing, “But I do think it’s best that we stop whatever this could have been before it even begins. It will not look good for either of us, no matter how much we both might want it, I’m sorry Sir”  Ash cleared her throat before looking up at the man who was still rubbing soothing circles on her hand, his grip had tightened slightly when she said they shouldn’t continue, but he looked somewhat, relieved? And then he was laughing, a full bellied laugh that confused Ash to no end. She tilted her head at him, one eyebrow raised, and an expression that said Care to share what's so funny

“I knew it! I bloody knew it. Of course it wasn’t one sided, I knew you felt something for me” His tone was joyous, his smile was one akin to that of a cat that caught the canary. “Why didn’t you tell me, all this confusion could have been fixed, we could be together, right now, happy. You could’ve been mine already”

A shudder of disgust ran through the young officer, one strong enough for her to yank her hand out of his and bring it closer to her chest, safely away from his grasp. If Ash wasn’t already denying the man before her an attempt at a relationship, then his final sentence would have thrown her over the line. She wasn’t anyone's to keep. Let alone this deranged Lt. Colonels. If anything there was only one person, or team rather, she belonged to. And that was not Sinclair, no matter how bad he wanted that. His expression turned from one of joy to anger in a very short minute, one that scared Ash, not that she let that emotion cross her face, lest he think he’s won.

Ash gulped, gathered some courage and was about to give the LT. Colonel a piece of her mind when the door to her room opened suddenly to reveal Colonel Carrillo. It took Ash a moment to register the look of controlled anger on the Colonels face before she realized it wasn’t directed at her, but the man to her right. He took a calculated step into the room, before closing the door with a deliberate force. There was no denying who was in charge right now, the raw power the colonel was displaying sent a pang of heat straight to Greyson’s gut. Fuck why is he so undeniably hot right now, common Sir, hit him . Ash snorted at her internal thoughts. God, she was a mess sometimes.

The glare Colonel Carrillo leveled Sinclair with would make any sane man start begging for forgiveness on the spot. Sinclair had proven one two many times his intentions with Greyson, and now, having heard from standing outside the room, that he was trying to claim her as his own and convince her that they should be together, it made him irate. Obviously his previous warning was not taken on board by the lieutenant. Worse still, he had felt an unusual pang in his chest when he had heard the second lieutenant confess that she felt something for the dishonorable man standing before him now. “If you don’t get the fuck out of this room within the next ten seconds I’ll put a bullet in your thick skull. Obviously threatening your rank wasn’t enough, so don’t fucking try me this time Sinclair, that's an order!”

Ash gulped at the tension forming between both men. Sinclair had stood from the chair he had resided in and was nearly toe to toe with the superior officer. There was anger rolling off him in waves, his shoulders were pulled back and he was puffing out his chest. Fucking typical males, Ash scoffed.  But from her vantage point she could see that Carrillo was entirely too calm about squaring off with the man before him. He stood just an inch shorter than Sinclair but was broader by far, and carried a strength that surpassed any the lieutenant could ever dream to possess. He was staring down his nose at him, smirking to egg the man on to make the first move. And in the moment Greyson had never seen a more attractive sight. It was thrilling to be this close to such a raw display of power and such a far less man thinking he had a chance to beat the formidable Colonel Carrillo.

If Ash was to recall the day further on in her career she would say it was Sinclair who threw the first punch and started the fight, despite clearly seeing Carrillo mutter something low enough for only the men to hear. Whatever it was had its desired effect. The right hook that was thrown clipped the edge of the Colonel’s jaw but barely phased him, one minute he was registering a small inkling of pain, the next he had the slightly younger officer pinned to the wall, forearm across his throat, and hand grasping his pistol, ready to pull it from its holster and follow through with his current threat. He began to pull said gun from its holster, only to be stopped by a smaller hand covering his own and a quiet but firm voice whispering against the shell of his ear, “Don’t Carrillo, he’s not worth the paperwork”.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over him, what was he even doing?. Greyson was right, the useless excuse of an officer before him really wasn’t worth the paper work. He secured his pistol before ripping his arm off the man's throat, smirking at the way he was gasping for breath and beyond pale. Good  he thought, maybe this time the message has really been cemented in this idiots’ brain . He didn’t need to tell the man to leave, once he had gathered enough breath to move he was all but sprinting from the room, not even daring to glance back at the youngest officer in the room. Carrillo was startled from his thoughts when Ash punched him in the arm, before wincing and pulling her hand back. He glanced at her, a shocked expression on his face, awaiting her next move.

“What the fuck was that!?” she hissed out at him before taking in a deep breath to center herself, her vision was a little blurry but she attributed that to the fact she had practically leapt from the bed to stop the Colonel committing blue force murder. Even if she despised Sinclair and his actions, she honestly couldn’t believe she actually had feelings for a man like that, the idea sent a cold shiver down her back. Ash swayed on her feet, she was getting increasingly unsteady. Warm hands grabbed her by the elbows and guided her back to the bed, she was thankful for that, even if she was partially angry at the Colonel before her.

“Stop being difficult and stay in the damn bed soldier” His gruff voice made her shiver but she obeyed him nonetheless, likely due to the underlying order in his tone.  He seemed to think for a moment, contemplating the right words to say, before he shrugged and announced “The medics decided it would be best for you to be monitored for the next few weeks until you’re given a clean bill of health. So I offered my place, or rather the team's new headquarters. The rest of the team will arrive in a month or so off deployment, it's gonna be just us in the meantime” He ceased speaking for a moment as he made his way to the door, “I’ll go sign your discharge papers, we depart in twenty, chop chop Lieutenant” and without so much as another word, he disappeared out the door.  Ash was stunned, a seemingly normal occurrence while in his presence. A month in a house, alone with Colonel Carrillo, this could be both the best and worst thing to happen to her lately, but she couldn’t wait, this could be a wild ride, or a terrible nightmare.  Greyson hoped it was the former rather than the later.

[gdwessel]

G1 Supercard - 4/6/2019; Wrestling Dontaku Tour: Featured Matches, Tanahashi & Tenzan Injured; Nagata/Kojima in Crockett Cup; This Week’s NJPW on AXS

Yes, hi, hello. It’s been a bit. After two twelve-hour drives, five wrestling shows (which is apparently NOT ENOUGH judging by how many shows some people attended, or WORKED, during Mania Weekend), and a brush with death (I’ll explain next time I record), I needed to recover a bit. I’m still kinda half-assing it now, since I won’t be going through the full lineups for Wrestling Dontaku in this post. But youse all can forgive me, right? Anyway, let’s start with the whole reason I went to NYC...

(And hey, you can also listen to me do a podblast on Pro Wrestling Only about the event!)

ROH/NJPW G1 Supercard - 4/6/2019, Madison Square Garden, NYC (NJPWWorld / PPV)

Honor Rumble: Kenny King d. Jushin Thunder Liger, Great Muta [Wrestle-1], TK O’Ryan, Vinny Marseglia, Tomohiro Ishii [CHAOS], King Haku [Bullet Club], Cheeseburger, Minoru Suzuki [SZKG], Hirooki Goto [CHAOS], Jonathan Gresham, Toru Yano [CHAOS], Colt Cabana, Delirious, Bad Luck Fale [Bullet Club], YOSHI-HASHI [CHAOS], Rocky Romero [CHAOS], PJ Black, Tracy Williams [Lifeblood], Brian Milonas, Chase Owens [Bullet Club], Will Ferrara, Ryusuke Taguchi, Shingo Takagi [Los Ingobernables], Rhett Titus, SHO [CHAOS], YOH [CHAOS], Shaheem Ali, LSG, BUSHI [Los Ingobernables], Beer City Brusier (42;21, OTTR)

NEVER Openweight Championship & ROH World Television Championship Title v. Title: Jeff Cobb [FREE] © d. Will Ospreay [CHAOS] © (Tour Of The Islands, 12:52) - Ospreay fails his 2nd defense - Cobb succeeds his 6th defense, and is the 24th NEVER Openweight Champion

Rush [Los Ingobernables] d. Dalton Castle (Skewer Dropkick, 0:15)

Women of Honor World Championship: Kelly Klein d. Mayu Iwatani [STARDOM] © (K Power, 10:38) - Iwatani fails her 3rd defense - Klein is the 4th champion

NYC Street Fight Open Challenge: Juice Robinson [Lifeblood], Flip Gordon & Mark Haskins [Lifeblood] d. Bully Ray, Silas Young & Shane Taylor (Gordon > Bully, Four Flippy Splash, 15:01)

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship 3-Way Match: Dragon Lee [CMLL] d. Taiji Ishimori [Bullet Club] © & Bandido [Lifeblood] (Lee > Bandido, Desnucadora, 8:54) - Ishimori fails his 3rd defense - Dragon Lee is the 84th champion

IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team v. ROH World Tag Team Championships Title v. Title 4-Way Match: Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa [Bullet Club] © d. PCO & Brody King [Villain Enterprises] ©, EVIL & SANADA [Los Ingobernables] and Jay & Mark Briscoe (Loa > King, Super Powerbomb, 9:54) - Guerillas of Destiny succeed their 1st defense - PCO/King fail their first defense; Guerrilas of Destiny are the 54th ROH World Tag Team champions

RevPro Undisputed British Heavyweight Championship: Zack Sabre Jr. [SZKG] © d. Hiroshi Tanahashi (Jim Breaks Armbar, 15:14) - Sabre succeeds his ? defense

IWGP Intercontinental Championship: Kota Ibushi d. Tetsuya Naito [Los Ingobernables] © (Kamigoye, 20:53) - Naito fails his 2nd defense - Ibushi is the 21st champion

ROH World Championship 3-Way Ladder Match: Matt Taven d. Jay Lethal © & Marty Scurll [Villain Enterprises] (29:35) - Lethal fails his 13th defense - Taven is the 21st champion

IWGP Heavyweight Championship: Kazuchika Okada [CHAOS] d. Jay White [Bullet Club] © (Rainmaker, 32:33) - White fails his 1st defense - Okada is the 69th champion

Hoo wee, a lot to unpack here. This actually ran longer than Wrestle Kingdom 13. And it did feel every bit of that towards the end, sitting in MSG, I have to say. But this was a great show, and for being the last show I saw this weekend, it was a great way to end my Mania Weekend.

Which isn’t to say there are some major questions here. Like, was this the right move to take titles off White and Naito? Both are VERY over in their respective roles, Naito the only NJPW wrestler to get pre-match chants, White clearly the most hated heel in NJPW, both in Japan AND America. While Ibushi in his first championship as a contracted wrestler offers fresh title matches, Okada retaking the belt does not. And they were in the midst of an angle whereby Naito wanted to win the IWGP Heavyweight title while still IC champion. So that was... a waste of time and energy? Neither of which says the matches were not good, because both of them were. Just not sure of the results.

Tanahashi got injured, maybe by that Jim Breaks Armbar? So he is out of the next tour. So is Hiroyoshi Tenzan, which, not sure how he got injured considering he didn’t work this show. Maybe it happened during the New Japan Cup tour, or whilst in training. 

The Guerrillas of Destiny are now double-champions, however their belts were stolen by Toru Yano at the conclusion of the match. Not that anyone in MSG actually noticed, because everyone’s attention was on the (what we now know to be worked) crowd invasion by fucking Enzo & Cass. I really don’t want to spend too much time on those two scumfucks. MSG let their feelings known in no uncertain terms, however. As did many of the wrestlers, like, true to form, Tama Tonga. This was a recurring theme, of Ring Of Honor really not reading the room, and having such shitty booking decisions. The Women of Honor match was patently Not Good, and a waste of Mayu Iwatani’s talents; this goes double for the Beautiful People appearing at the end, to absolute crickets in MSG. Kenny King robbing both Jushin Thunder Liger and the absolute surprise entrant THE GREAT MUTA (yes, I absolutely did lose my shit seeing him at this show, why do you ask?) of an MSG moment (Muta did spit red mist in King’s face tho). A streetfight clusterfuck that became a 6-man match to put over Herb Gordon. The way too long ladder match. ROH stinks, folks. Stop watching them. They are awful. The only thing  on their end that was remotely good was Rush destroying Dalton Castle, but Dalton is either turning heel or leaving the company, following his attacks on The Boys. But yeah, this show made it crystal clear that NJPW are way better off without fucking around with Sinclair Broadcasting Group, especially if they are going to hire scumbags like Enzo Amore.

Dragon Lee finally wins the IWGP Junior Heavyweight title! That was a bit of a shocker. So was Ospreay ending his Giant Killer push by losing the NEVER title to a much deserving Jeff Cobb. Real happy he finally has an NJPW title.

Long story short, I really did enjoy this show, but mostly by ignoring the ROH content. I also had a wonderful weekend, where I met quite a lot of people, both regular folk and wrestlers (ZSJ! Shibata! Chinsuke Nakamura! Jiro “Ikemen” Kuroshio!), saw friends and co-hosts, ate some great food, and saw some awesome wrestling. Including the RevPro show on Friday, which had a lot of NJPW guys, but I don’t have the energy to go over that now. And what’s passed, is past. Time to look into the future yo...

This Saturday (my 46th birthday!), we begin the cycle of shows leading in to Wrestling Dontaku, which will be a 2-day event once again. I don’t have the energy to enter in the full tour cards right now. I will get to that tomorrow/Friday when I do a new Upcoming Events post. But I can go over some of the feature matches...

On 4/20, we will have Sengoku Lord in Nagoya, at Aichi Prefectural Gymnasium. Two title defenses on this show, as Kota Ibushi will make his first defense of the IWGP Intercontinental title against Zack Sabre Jr., who of course beat Ibushi during the New Japan Cup. Also on this show, Juice Robinson will defend the IWGP US belt against Bad Luck Fale.

Another title match takes place on 4/29, at the annual Wrestling Hi no Kuni  event in Kumamoto. Here, GOD will defend the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team straps against the Most Violent Players, Togi Makabe & Toru Yano. The main event of this show is a special singles match between Hirooki Goto v. Jay White. Not sure why, but here we are. There will also be a special singles, non-title match (if Juice retains on 4/20) between Juice v. Chase Owens.

The first day of Wrestling Dontaku, on 5/3 in Fukuoka, has the first time the IWGP Junior Heavyweight title is a main event match for a megashow in... a long time. (Someone tweeted when the last time was, and I didn’t save it, and I can’t fathom looking right now.) Dragon Lee makes his 1st defense against the previous champion, Taiji Ishimori. That ought to be good. Also, Jeff Cobb makes his first defense of the NEVER Openweight title against Suzuki-gun’s Taichi. And only that belt.

The following day, on 5/4, sees Kazuchika Okada make his first defense of the IWGP Heavyweight title against LIJ’s SANADA. Those three have had great matches before, including the recent New Japan Cup Final. They are also advertising a special singles match between Tomohiro Ishii v. EVIL, as well as a tag match that sees Dragon Lee & Will Ospreay team v. Taiji Ishimori & an X wrestler. Not sure why they are going the X route when we all know it’s El Phantasmo. 

As I said above, I will list all cards tomorrow or Friday in an Upcoming Events post.

Meanwhile, the brackets have been announced for the 2019 Crockett Cup tag team tournament, taking place on 4/27/2019 at Cabarrus Arena in Concord, NC. NJPW will be sending over the team of Yuji Nagata & Satoshi Kojima to this event; one assumed it would have been TenKoji were Tenzan not injured. They will face the recently dethroned ROH World Tag Team champions PCO & Brody King in their matchup. Should Nagata/Kojima win, they will face the winners of The Briscoe Brothers v. The Rock’n’Roll Express. Yes, you read that right. Over in the other block, an ROH team of Herb Gordon & Bandido (poor Bandido) goes up against a CMLL tandem of Stuka Jr. & Guerrero Maya Jr., whilst the War Kings (Jax Dane & Crimson) face off against the winner of a Wild Card Battle Royale that will take place during this show. This event will also have an NWA World’s Heavyweight title defense by Nick Aldis v. Marty Scurll. 

Finally, NJPW on AXS has a 2-hour special this week, with matches from G1 Supercard just last weekend. The advertised matches are the IWGP Heavyweight and Intercontinental matches. You can scroll above to see who is in those. Show starts at 8pm EDT / 7pm CDT.

And that’s it. I’m still recovering, so off to bed with this old man. Tour starts Saturday. Happy to be back. Hope you enjoyed the G1 Supercard, and anything else you watched during Mania Weekend. Come back for the Road to Wrestling Dontaku!

[pixiechanyeol]

I’m back from vacation (and crying) so i wanna make a list of all the trainees i will truly miss from produce 101′s last elimination.

Kim Seonglee who has a beautiful ass voice and got very little screentime. his vocals would’ve killed in the top 11. You will be truly missed ;;; a smiling angel :(

Byun Hyunmin My flippy boy :( Who actually has good stable vocals (i mean even his evaluation at the beginning was stable and he sounded great?) even after doing all that dancing and those flips and his iconic (well at least in my books) pushed back hair in the Right Round performance (still dead thx)

Woo Jinyoung cute cute boy, such a talented rapper, personally my favorite rapper on the show. He showed his own unique colors in his rapping. he went from rapping cute in mansae to nearly killing me in Who You. Why y’all hate talent???? Even tho he wasn’t my like /main/ bias. I think i’m personally gonna miss him the most.

Yoo Hoeseung another boy with another beautiful voice. Also did i mention he was hilarious??? he makes me smile so much and laugh so much. him, haknyeon, and samuel with the pants laksdjf. lip swipe boy. Also another legendary meme. If he got more screentime im 100% sure the ‘national producers’ would love him more.

Lee Gwanghyun im gonna keep my cool and not write a 5 page paragraph its fine. Boy really all rounder????? how dare y’all seperate the starship boys im bitter, sewoon was upset when he didn’t see gwanghyun’s face on the screen for the 35th place, and gwanghyun told sewoon he’s gonna miss him??? y’all hate friendship and talent that much. His voice???? beautiful pls. Dance??? of course boy smooth. Rap?? boy said he gave himself a challenge with rap but made himself sound seem like he was a rapper. Went from replay to rhythm ta like no big deal, like lmao okay. ELMINATED TWICE!!!!! Y’ALL REALLY DONE THIS TO THIS SWEET BOY IM SO MAD!!!!!!!!! he’s so sweet and might not be the loudest, but how is that a bad thing? he proved himself with his skills and personality what more u want from him. im done i wanna keep going but....

Lee Insoo SAME AS GWANGHYUN?? DO U HATE TALENT WHY WAS HE VOTED OFF TWICE, WHAT DO U GUYS THINK UR DOING???? BOY CAN CHOREOGRAPH, CAN DANCE, CAN RAP, CAN SING, ALL ROUNDER???? IM SO CONFUSED IM JUST BAFFLED TBH. Also king of friendship? taking his pals out and recording each other having fun just like it should be??? also king of spilling tea and having mnet call him? truly a king.

Lee Kiwon ????????? really y’all???? you out here embarassing yourselves by not voting for him. my heart? its sore it hurts. i wanna write so much for this boy but instead i’m just gonna link u to what you are missing out on. Disgusted, embarrassed, my cute lil bean. i would talk more about this talented boy but i hope the videos will do everyone justice (not that i ex’pect anyone to read this skdfja)

Lee Youjin Im still !!!!!!!!mad!!!!!!!!!!!! he auditioned with his own song. and killed it, he messed up but it wasn’t even that big of a deal???????? each evaluation he just kept improving more. im ?????? can my poor heart just rest pls.

Justin why??? what was the reason???? another boy going from replay to shape of you??? boy can do anything he wants like wow???? he’s so young too, small child, how do u feel, crushing a childs dream ???? i can’t wait for my yuehua boys to debut for everyone can see their mistake

Jung Dongsu  IS IT A HATING TALENTED PEOPLE COMPETITION OR WHAT????????????????????????? A CLASS PEOPLE!!!!!! ONE OF THE BEST AUDITIONS!!!! BOY OUT THERE KILLING IT WITH RAP BC HIS THROAT WAS BAD THEN KILLING US EVEN MORE. DID I MENTION HIM IN AMAZING KISS???? let me take some deep breaths okay

Hong Eunki Shhh, can u guys hear that? thats the sound of my heart breaking into 12billion pieces. Do i need to even explain how much i love this boy to you guys? Dance king? King of waacking? he made his whole right round team waack like what a fuckin legend. Boy out there being a leader that could literally give two shits rather ur popular or not. He gave an Hwanwoong the position even though he was a lower rank bc he believed that he fit the concept more. Most people would go for more popular members bc it does give them a better chance for score, but boy knows what the fuck he is doing. He’s so loveable? he makes friends with so many boys and he loves to hold hands. Literally can go from booty bouncing to graceful dancing. Idk if any of y’all seen his predeubt videos of him dancing, or auditioning for a play, or of him in drag(and not as a joke, it was a role in the play and let me say he fuckin killed it), but that boy can fuckin do everything. i just ;;; my heart hurts so much. Boy gives us everything adn what do we give him :( i hope you all will support him in whatever he chooses to do, bc u can’t deny that that boy is talented

Jung Jung/ Zhu Zheng Ting I DIDN’T WANT TO WRITE ANYTHING FOR HIM BC MY HEART, IITS SO SHATTERED, I ;;;; SMILING ANGEL, KING OF TRADITIONAL DANCING, KING OF TUMBLING, KING OF LOVE, JUST A KING. BOY WAS CENTER TWICE!!!! WHY DID U GUYS NOT NOTICE HIM!!!! he killed it everytime too :( He fills my hear with so so so so much love. He loves his members so much and cares for them. He’s trying so so hard to learn korean better for he can interact with everyone. His voice is also stable? He really never got a chance to show his vocals but with his little oppurtunities he showed everyone how well he did. Boy was in a national chinese dance competition and placed 1st. He had so much more to show and he was cut so short :( thank you for voting him through this far everyone, he was one of the “lesser” popular members, and me being not able to vote for him once breaks my heart. Thank you again everyone. Good luck to him adn the rest of the Yuehua boys on their debut and don’t get to follow their instagram. Also pleas continue to support the rest of the Yuehua boys!

And to the boys that i didn’t mention! YOU GUYS ARE SO TALENTED AND DESERVED BETTER!! I HOPE ALL OF YOU GUYS LUCK ON UR DEBUT AND TO KEEP THAT CONFIDENCE UP!

[cannabihh-blog]

Take Two - trigger warning

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I used to be a good one too. In fact, I used to find myself romantic. I used to imagine my stories written down and how I would phrase them. I lived to believe that my experiences were for a reason, and that writing would validate me. Maybe even someone would believe me if my words were in text. If I chose the right ones, maybe they would understand me. As a young child, about six or seven, I began to narrate my life to myself to practice my diction. I saw the world around me as a movie playing below as I watched it unravel from above, only there to observe. This ability crafted a talented young writer. I was gifted, although I did not perform well in school. At eleven years old after losing my older sister to an overdose, my ability to disengage from my experiences and surroundings immediately developed into something greater. I was able to disassociate, and as an effect, could recreate my history. So, I tried my best to forget about my sister. I no longer practiced writing. I practiced feeling nothing. By the time I turned 13, I began to obsess about the idea that someone out there was waiting for me. I believed in my heart that someone was hurting just as bad as I was somewhere out there, and that one day we would find each other and the pain would go away. We would be whole. I had forgotten who I used to be, and who I wanted to be. At this point I had spent so much time alone, that I was certain this was the way life was for me. I was comfortable socializing only in my fantasy, because I was terrified of people. I had already been betrayed and hurt. I knew it would only happen again. I imagined a copy of myself. I imaged another version of myself that could pass as a boy with short flippy hair. I wanted to clone myself so that I could have a soulmate. I imagined how nice I would be to myself if given the chance. I imagined sticking up for myself when a peer commented on my appearance, or how little friends I had. I imagined holding my own hand, having someone to sit with at lunch, and receiving a flower gram at school on Valentine’s Day. In private school, everyone got something for everyone for the 14th. In public school, everyone got flowers, but me. I didn’t know anyone, and no one cared to know me. I piled my pillows up next to me on my bed and wrapped my arms around it, kissing it to sleep. I understood my place. I understood what I needed. Eventually I made a friend, who I would call my best friend. Her name was Rena. I was in love with her. I was 14, but I knew love. It was a platonic love, but I couldn’t ever tell her how much I cared because I feared she wouldn’t be my friend if she thought I was a lesbian. I don’t remember how we became friends, but I remember falling for her immediately. She had gorgeous dark olive skin, brown eyes, and was hysterically rude. She was like me. We were progressive, academically motivated, and suicidal. We spent the summer together. I don’t think we spent a day apart. When we went to high school in the fall, she began to date a boy a year older than us. His name was Douglas Archuletta. He fit in with us, because he was progressive, academically motivated, and suicidal too. I instantly hated him. He bitched too much. We called him Debbie Downer. I thought he was a burden on our friendship. We bonded over making jokes about him, then they broke up. The boy took the break up pretty hard, and out of fear that he would cause drama that would burden his ex’s and my friendship, I talked to him about his depression. His dad beat him. I felt bad, but also couldn’t stand him. I got dragged deeper into the pity party, and we became friends. I hadn’t had any experience dating, but it wasn’t long before the boundaries of friendship were pushed. We attended a youth group that fall. I shared my first kiss with him there. I thought he would be good practice for a future boyfriend because he was pushy, I was extremely anxious about kissing, and I wasn’t interested in him, so I figured why not? Just two days later, the boy and I were in the back of my mom’s van exchanging pecks. We hadn’t made out yet. I hadn’t ever made out. I was too nervous and had been avoiding it. The boy had a tendency to become aggressive when aroused.  I hadn’t seen it before, but after kissing his neck two or three times, he pins my legs up above his shoulders, and pulls my panties to the side. Blood starts running down his nose. I was so scared the world around me begins turning to black, all I can do is repeat the words “No, no, no,” over and over again, but it makes no difference. He shoves his dick in my asshole and I close my eyes tight in hopes of leaving my body. I don’t. I fully experienced the pain. He doesn’t kiss me.  When he’s done he drops my body back onto the seat, my dress bloodied.  When I ask him why he did that after I said “no” so many times, he said “Oh, I thought you were teasing me, just playing with me.” I hadn’t ever gotten to make out with a boy yet, and my ass was filled with cum. I went home and cried until I puked. I looked in the mirror and convinced myself that this was God’s plan for me. I couldn’t handle the inevitable disappointment my parents would feel if I told them. I couldn’t handle the embarrassment of telling anyone my ass had been penetrated. I couldn’t handle the reality that I had been raped. So, like that, we began dating. Within four months my labia was bruised black, swollen like a balloon. I was in gym so girls noticed. No one asked me if I needed help. It still is black, but doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. When we broke up, Sydney Kittleson from youth group, the only person I had told when I lost my virginity it wasn’t consensual, threatened to tell the whole school that I had anal sex. I considered killing myself. When I broke up with him, he lifted me and pounded my head against the brick wall of the school pool. My friends looked at me as they passed silently. I especially remember Preston Soete. I had a crush on him in high school. Rena and I used to compete to see who he would sext the dirtiest. He kept his eyes locked on mine as he walked down the entire flight of stairs coming toward us, then walked by me, as the tennis courts went black with each collision the wall made with my head. I changed schools and went to community college.  Doug changed schools too, and went to my community college. He took my classes. I couldn’t escape him, and I was damaged goods anyways. We got back together. Eventually, we broke up again, this time for good. I took suboxone, soma, and percocets every day until I went to university. I had never fully come to terms with being raped, so it wasn’t hard to repress. I was good at forgetting. I was too good at forgetting. I forgot my time as an adolescent and teenager completely, but I knew there was something I was missing. I was starting my dream life, and had this lingering feeling that I knew something that I had forgotten. There was something I was trying to tell myself. Something was on the tip of my tongue. I quickly lost my ability to articulate. I formed a stutter. I was no longer a competitive speaker in debate. I was engulfed by this feeling that I had failed myself, but I had no clue as to why. So, I emailed Doug to ask what happened between us. I felt that something bad had happened between us sexually, but couldn’t remember anything. He claimed there was nothing that happened of that nature “that he could recall.” I was going to be on his campus on my 20th birthday for a debate tournament. He offered to tell me what he could remember. I accepted. I showed up at his apartment. He had gained over 60 lbs. He lived with a boy named Bryce who I had met when we all went to the same community college. Bryce was also in debate. I watched them play FIFA. Doug seemed manic. He was talking fast, about nothing. Bryce left for the awards ceremony. I stood up and told Doug I should follow Bryce. Doug pinned me to the ground of his bedroom, putting his entire weight on me. I squeezed in between his legs and wedged through the bedroom door. Before I make it to the door to the outside, he grabbed me by the waist and my feet left the ground. He threw his weight on me as we crashed onto the floor. My breath left my lungs empty, and I felt a the strongest sense of deja vu I have ever experienced. As I was trying to breathe past my joint asthma/panic attack, he drilled his waist into my back and locked my arms in his. I was able to draw in one deep breath. I held it in and freed my arms which pushed me out from underneath him, in between his legs. He beat me to the door. I was able to crack it open an inch and wedge my foot in the door, and fought to get my thigh through. I elbowed him in the rib, and made my escape. Three days later, I woke up at 3 AM. The rape played before my eyes like a movie on a screen, and I was able to take in a breath deeper than I had in years. It has been almost exactly four years since I have remembered now. I haven’t regained my vocabulary. My stutter never went away. I haven’t used hard drugs in three months. I’ve started fantasizing about myself again. The time we could spend being sweet to each other, correcting each other. Maybe we still have the time to try again at a dream life.