#i shoulda just walked out but it. doesn't even register til much later cause of all the praise n cause i'm probably dissociating like hell
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If I absolutely have to feel like shit could it at least be cause I let it happen again instead of cause I feel like I didn't do good enough
#beatin myself over the head w/ a stick like YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. HIS. APPROVAL.#he's just tryin to dig in any insecurity he can get his goddamn hands on it doesn't mean shit#like yea i know i'm ~ outta practice ~ cause that literally just means i'm not performin at a professional fucking level#you couldn't tell the difference if you stopped tRYIN TO SHOVE THINGS DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT FFS#i shoulda just walked out but it. doesn't even register til much later cause of all the praise n cause i'm probably dissociating like hell#like. are you fucking negging me#yes. yes he is#or some other adjacent tactic that rly shouldn't work on me anymore but here we are#it'd be funny if it wasn't so damn pathetic#which is smth i say a lot lately#i have no idea if i should like......try to give myself some credit for the few boundaries i did manage to hold#cause i mean i did......refuse to sleep anywhere near him w/o surveillance#especially not in the damn car cause i could end up literally anywhere#my mistake was compromisin on the sex stuff cause when i say no it becomes a negotiation n i always end up agreeing to smth#which woulda been fine if he didn't then go on to be a dick about that something#n also if it wasn't pretty fucked up to take it as a negotiation startin point#if i say i don't wanna have sex you know damn well i mean the entire thing no matter how many loopholes your definition has#hard limits aren't the fucking startin point for a compromise they're the bottom line#but he knows all that. he's not stupid he just doesn't care.#meanwhile i'm a fucking idiot for lettin him get away w/ it#i was doin so well. i mean sure i was losin my fucking mind but i wasn't even struggling not to go to him#why can't he just fucking leave me alone if i'm not even a good fuck anymore#spdrvent
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