#i shouldnt eat so much. hahaha. what is that? what fucked up shit is that that i said? hahaha.

[ithisatanytime]

i watched the video again man sneako you deserve props for that one, genuinely you looked real good out there im not saying that "due to the circumstances" you looked good you got hands and great defensive instinct.

upon rewatch i understood better what happened, ok so first of all sean NEVER tries to block a body shot from sneaky and in fact several times puts his hands on his head like hes under arrest to invite sneako to go ham, keep that in mind, sean is saying im not gonna block or dodge can you damage me at all? so you cant blame him for going hard on his punches, but when sean starts fighting back, his initial flurry sneako EXPERTLY blocks and avoids watch it again its actaully pretty special hes got more training than i gave him credit for, this frustrates the shit out of sean who launches into another combo, he penetrates sneakos defenses with some sharp uppercuts that daze him so he drops his gloves, and this is whats important, someone from sneakos camp throws a towel into the ring before but he might not have seen it, but it doesnt matter he shouldnt have had to see it its not a real fight and its over regardless, after sneako gets dazed hes dropped his gaurd competely and this is the part where sean fucks up in my view, everything up to that point i could chalk up to good fun, but he unloads with full force to the degree that if it were a professional boxing or ufc match the ref already would have stopped the fight because sneako wasnt defending himself and eating heavy shot after heavy shot, at this point one of seans friends runs into the ring and grabs sean from behind pulling him off of him.

Sean dropped his hands and only defended his head because sneako actually has hands and if the ufc champion is actively defending against body shots and fucking SNEAKO is sneaking in body shots that puts the whole UFC franchise in a bad light not to mention sean, so he stops bothering to defend as if to say look how tough i am. then he starts talking to sneako taunting him, but as hes taunting sneako hes eating jabs to the face, to his credit he keeps talking but i truly believe he didnt intend to eat the majority of those shots to the face even if they werent harming much he was actively defending his head at least at first, but sneako genuinely has hands and was still sneaking shots in. with that in mind, i am SLIGHTLY softening my stance but not entirely because of what happens at the end. basically sean felt that he would be able to embarrass sneako and impress everyone effortlessly but sneako has genuinely fast hands and accurate if a bit weak punches, so sean stops defending his body to eat the shots "on purpose" but hes still attempting to defend his head and hes getting popped almost at will by sneako in the mouth taking the wind out of his taunting quite literally. so when sean finally decides to go agro, he wants to really sell it, he wants that instant crisp knockout but not only does he not get the knock out his first sustained and very agressive combo is completely and utterly stuffed by sneakos defenses, sean is a self image oriented guy he knows how that will look, so he redoubles his attempt at knocking him out cold crossing a line you NEVER cross not even with another trained fighter. fighters know knockouts are not a laughing matter oh hahaha i got knocked out, every fighter anticipates their first knockout, they lose sleep over it, and half of all pros arent the same after their first knockout, fast tracked to retirement.

[hunbomb]

roommate! jaemin

i hope u guys like this one! i do :) 

warning: not proofread LMAO

jaemin: a huge flirt

like we been knew sis okay bUt its not like it defines him ya kno??? like yes he is a flirt but its not like he does it purposely

however that doesn’t stop every single girl from liking him

except for u cause you’re ~not like other girls~

jk you are 

cause who wouldn’t find na jaemin attractive?? tf???

okay but like the dealio between you and jaemin is that you are best friends 

and you have a fat crush on him (u have since the beginning of highschool LOL)

luckily for you, although jaemin is a flirt, he isnt interested in any girls so he doesnt bring any to your dorm

and even if he did, he would tell u because it would be shitty not to 

anyway

so u met in grade nine and yalls friendship popped TF off right away like you joined nomins duo and made it a trio in the span of 4 months and everyone was like???? this mf got that close to them that fast???? mastery

jeno was like ur brother from another mother fr

you and him told eachother everything and sometimes he would tell you things he wouldnt even tell jaemin. like everyone has those people that although theyre close w, there are some things you’d never tell and that goes for jeno and jaemin

jaemin never told jeno he listens to taylor swift

and jeno never told jaemin that he watched all of my little pony friendship is magic on netflix

but since you and jeno shared some personal things w eachother, you obviously told him about your crush on jaemin

and since you had a crush on jaemin, you never got like super super close with him just cause ur feels got in the way 

mainly just you never got as close to jaemin as you did jeno

sure you were bffs, but it wasn’t on such an intimate level

cause everytime jaemin would look your way you’d be gasping for air

so timeskip to senior year

everything is great

your friendship is still strong af and you guys are all planning for post secondary

jaemin and you get into the same uni right.... and jeno gets into the one the town over so your friendship wont take that much damage

but!!! jaemin wants to room with you!!! and ur like!! fucufejdsk!!!

cause like ofc you want to who wouldnt????? but you have such a massisve crush on him you dont want it to get in the way of not only yours but also jaemins university experience

you say yes tho and next thing you know youre unpacking all your stuff

the dorm is kind of small like there isnt a lot of space,,,,, theres two bedrooms but the beds literally take out the whole room HAHHAHA and then there is a chill space with the kitchen connected and u and jaemin have to share a washroom LOL

“jaemin what the FUCK did you eat??? beans??? i bet it was beans this shit smells so bad i-”

“it really do be ya own friends sometimes” -jaemin 2020 :((((((

anyway so like university life is good you and jaemin invite jeno over every weekend for a sleepover and vice versa its so cute GAH

but like,,,, here’s where the drama comes in

one day you are facetiming jeno and youre telling him about how you really like jaemin and blah blah ya know the usual

and youre not really looking at the screen cause youre doing your homework and focusing on that but jeno sees in the back that jaemin has fully entered the room

and you dont notice cause hes silent and your still talking but jeno is trying to get your attention UDHSJIA

and when he does you see in your part of the screen jaemin just,,,, standing there

cue you ending the call with jeno SO FAST and turning around like oH i thought you had classes right now?

“.... they ended early”

“i see” ://////////

you like get up super fast and just walk around him and go into your roomm shutting the door 

poor jaemin is just like “what”

cause to be honest he never really considered this situation ever happening yah he thought you were prettier than most girls and he liked the way you were able to talk to people so easily but he never would have thought you harboured feelings for him

so he kind of just leaves it be cause he knows that you def dont want to talk about it and is willing to wait for you to be the one who brings it up

so time skip to dinner youre both just eating in silence but you dont like it,,,

“what i said was true” you say and jaemin looks up and he knows where this convo is going but he lets you speak

“i didnt ever plan on telling you because i really like our friendship but i guess i wasn’t careful enough”

your heart is beating hella fast but you try to look unbothered and its going pretty good until jaemin asks you something

“how long have you felt this way?”

OKAY like it shouldnt be a big deal to tell him bc you already exposed yourself but for some reason that question just hit you deep cause you realized that youve liked him for so long and he never felt the same ya know

“i dont know,,, since the start of highschool? when we became friends i always thought you were cute and it just turned into a full blown crush”

jaemin just sort of nods in response “oh okay”

so that night your just laying in your bed full of regrets

you know things are about to be super duper awkward between you and jaemin and you wish it didnt have to be like that

so over the next couple of weeks its more awkward than it has ever been before and the sleepovers with jeno seem so divided 

its either jeno and you or jeno and jaemin its never the three of you anymore :((((((

jaemin isn’t ignoring your feelings though, dont worry! hes just trying to sort his out

because your confession kind of opened his eyes

he doesnt want to force himself to like you but he cant help but admit that when he first heard you talking about your feelings a huge warmth spread through his chest and he may or may not have uncovered some feelings

these feelings were always there but he suppressed in grade nine cause he thought you’d never like him and you just wanted to stay friends

so he pushed them down and never thought about it again

but obviously that didnt happen because now youre on his mind 24/7 and he wishes that he could just talk to you but hes kind of nervous

so after taking advice from jeno he tries to talk to you more, like asking how your day went and starting up conversations

youre  kind of like “what u playing at son” but you leave it cause you know jaemin would never do you dirty like that

it stays this way for a while until one night theres a particularly bad thunderstorm and jaemin is scared of thunder

and so when youre just playing on your phone jaemin opens your door slightly and has this scared look on his face

and you know that jaemin is scared of thunder so you open your arms without any words being shared

a huge boom of thunder makes jaemin squeal and jump into your arms

and he gets comfy under the covers as youre holding him, no words shared between you two

he starts to feel much better and this sense of comfort washes over him like,,, youre his home

and as hes falling asleep he softly mutters

“im sorry it took me so long”

and youre just straight confused like what does that mean is he talking about his feelings or just the fact that yall havent had such an close encounter in a while 

the next morning you wake up and jaemins arms and you guys are facing eachother

and hes already awake so when you oepn your eyes you find him already looking at you

“thank you for last night, youre the best” he whispers and youre like all good fam i understand

but then he leans in closer and is like “i should have told you this so long ago, but i am in love with you”

your eyes widen and youre like wh AT the FUCJ your heart is beating at like 420 bpm and ur shooketh

he just smiles and pulls in you in closer and its just a super soft moment and no words have to be said

that night you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner when jaemin just asks you be his gf

OF COURSE YOU SAY YES! you have been waiting for this moment for god knows how long

jeno is all like damn fina-fucking-ly i’ve been watching this romance play out for like 5 years! 

its super cute

its even better that you guys are roommates because youre already living together so you get to see eachother everyday

jaemins room as become a guest room for sorts as he now shares a bed with you

jenos happy af hes like YESSS I DONT NEED TO SLEEP WITH JAEMIN IN OUR SLEEPOVERS ANYMORE

jaemin: >:(((((( tf is that supposed to mean

you just laugh and youre like im not complaining hahaha and jaemins heart just stutters so bad 

he really does love you and he cant believe it took him so long to accept his feelings

and one night he tells you about how he pushed them down and youre like “exCUSE ME we could have been dating all this time u pussy”

sad jaemin :((((( 

anyway ya its so good its a win-win situation 

you get to room with the love of your life and its just magical there are so many soft moments between you two and just UGH relationship goals

i need me a jaemin

[warmau]

Love Struck!AU x Monsta X

me: im not love struck. hyungwon: _____ me: pause 

Shownu

you walk by and shownu sees it in slow motion, rose colored background and angel hymns playing in his ears

the food on his chopsticks falls right down because he’s still staring at the spot you where just in and jooheon gives him a weird look

when confronted with the idea that he sees you as something more than just a friend he short-circuits

“uh....well....that....well it....that....well...”

minhyuk: it’s ok, take your time

you catch him off guard one afternoon, reading a book recommended by one of his friends

you slip in beside him, pointing at one of the lines 

“isn’t this a little too poetic for your taste, hyunwoo?”

his lips part, glasses threatening to slide down his nose as he forgets how to string together a sentence

you smile and a warmth bursts through his huge body that he’s never experienced before

you don’t notice his neck go pink as you lean in even closer

he’s so scared you might hear the white noise blaring through his mind as your arm brushes his 

“do you like romance novels?”

you question, curiously and shownu wants to say one thing but all he can do is give out a curt

“i like you.” 

Wonho

doesn’t know where to look when you’re in a room

eyes go this way and that way and he starts bothering hyungwon for attention or picking at the lint on his sweater

when you address him, smiley and sweet, he knows his ears are on fire

and that if he makes a quick escape you might not notice 

so he always has some outlandish excuse

“kihyun needs me to crack his back - he’s getting so old these days!” “i made plans to go to the market.........in busan” “ouch! i think im having a heart attack - talk to you later?”

closes his eyes and the first image in his mind is you - every time

shakes his head like a confused puppy like: stop thinking about them!

but he can’t,,,,,he’s stuck

“i don’t get it - why do i keep thinking about them?”

kihyun deadpan: “you’re in love”

changkyun: “oh i was just gonna say he’s sick, but i guess that’s the same thing.”

for some reason you’re at the gym before him and wonho debates just turning around and dipping

so he keeps going in and out of the changing room with his duffel bag and everyone is like ..........?

until you spot him and wave and boy damn near drops this heavy bag on his foot out of surprise

you show him that you’re getting stronger, flexing up your arm and wonho just can’t control himself

“you’re so cute”

“what?”

“I MEANT........the dumbbells are just getting cuter........huh............”

Kihyun

suaveness backfires on him very hard

“the weather is so hot today and so are,,,,,,,,,” “and so is?” “and ,,,,,,,,, so are ,,,,,,, these pants why’d i wear jeans in the heat hahaha i need to go”

pickup lines he can never finish and you just look at him quizzically as he tries to save face

will not admit it to anyone but practices greeting you in the mirror 

gets caught by shownu who blankly watches kihyun posing in front of the mirror until it’s been fifteen minutes and shownu is like dude, get out - i need to shower

loud and confident usually, but somehow it becomes a little awkward when you’re around 

voice cracks on two or three occasions

you get invited to the summer barbecue kihyun is throwing and of course he plans everything perfectly

except for the fact that this is a beach and so everyone is showing up in,,,,,,,beach attire

and when you come running down the beach toward him, kihyun drops the burger he was in the middle of flipping and nearly burns himself on the grill

and you’re like oh shit are you ok and he’s like what do you mean im dandy ,,,,, as he almost puts his hand down on the grill AGAIN

and you have to catch him and scold him for not paying attention

and he whines because “it’s hard to pay attention”

and you’re like why??? it’s easy - just don’t put your hand donw on the fire-

but he’s like no no it’s hard to pay attention because,,,,,,,because

you: because???

minhyuk strolling by munching on his watermelon: because you’re in a swimsuit and kihyun has the mind of a dog

you: wh-

OOP too late, kihyun is chasing minhyuk down the beach with his skewers 

Minhyuk

won’t shut up about you 

“anyway they were playing the piano with me and they were doing so well even though they said they hadn’t played in YEARS!” “i think they cut their hair a little shorter, it looks nice did you guys see it what did you think?” “oh look they have the game they were telling me about-”

it’s like he’s the daily news alert

but all the news is about you

and when he talks about you - his eyes gleam with sparkles, he almost goes into a day dreamy like trance 

if hearts could start swirling around his head, they would

but when he is (rightfully so) accused of having feelings for you 

he’s like 

“WHAT? WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE?”

everyone: our ears hurt because you haven’t stopped talking about them once so ,,,,,, maybe ,,,,,,,, that’s the damn evidence 

refuses it before jumping back into a long rant about how adorable and perfect you are

one afternoon, hyungwon decides he’s had enough, so he tells you that you should try beating minhyuk at talking

so you and minhyuk play the compliment game - spewing sweet and corny things about each other back and forth

until you inch close enough that your noses almost brush 

and you go

“minhyuk, you’re so pretty far away but up close it’s even better!” 

he’s so shocked, flattered, and over the moon that he stares at you speechless

and hyungwon is like “finally. silence”

you start to wrry when minhyuk is frozen for ten minutes straight and you’re like “how do i get him to function again”

hyungwon: idk. kiss him. 

Jooheon

faints every time you lay a hand on him 

both metaphorically and physically

like you were accidentally pushed against his chest during the bus ride home and next thing you knew he almost blacked out and hit his head on the hand pole

obliviously, you always assume it’s because he’s dehydrated or tired

minhyuk: looking into the camera like he’s on the office

gets all tingly and giggly when you touch his shoulder

makes squeaking sounds when your hand brushes against his

basically becomes a big mushy puddle of heart eyes 

and mumbling incoherent sentences of affection

you: omg i think he might be having fever delusions or something

hyungwon: no,,,,,,,,,that’s definitely not it,,,,,,,,,

hates being told he should “just confess” like what the fuck do you mean “just confess” bold of you all to assume he can “JUST CONFESS”

everyone wonders what will happen when you two start dating and jooheon gets to kiss you

like will he just,,,,,,,,turn to dust? probably

you want to join the guys for lunch after their practice but the table is so cramped so you jokingly ask jooheon if “this seat is taken?” will pointing to his lap

never in your life have you seen someone flip their whole plate over to make room for yours and nod so hard you think it might snap their neck

you, embarrassed: o-oh i was just,,,,joking,,,,but,,,,um,,,if it’s ok,,,,,?

jooheon getting ready to just, turn to to jelly when you sit  down: 

changkyun: if he dies i get the rest of his rice 

Hyungwon

hard to read expression when you’re around but sirens are going THE FUCK OFF in his head whenever you as much as smile

anything you ask him or any questions directed at him from anyone else is just answered with a “hehe,,,,yeah”

can’t formulate much of a thought outside of: holy shit they’re so cute holy shit what do i do holy shit just lean up against the wall it’s fine holy shi-

minhyuk: bro what do you wanna eat?”

hyungwon looking over his head at where you’re talking with shownu: hehe,,,,sure

minhyuk: cool hyungwon machine broken

his nervous habit is chewing on his bottom lip and you think he’s just concentrating on music or on something

but head empty. just you. that’s it.

you ask hyungwon to teach you a little about turntables and being a dj

and he’s like “oh sure” but then you stand directly in front of him, back almost against his chest as you play around with the different switches

and he like,,,,,,,seizes function

and you’re like “oo can i try these on?” pointing to the headphones around his neck

and when you reach out to take them off, he just takes a hold of your wrists and you’re like “oh? i shouldn’t touch them?”

and he’s just like hyungwon, c’mon say something cool. say something that won’t be embarrassing like hehe yeah. this is your moment!

“you can touch me anywhere”

“what?”

“............i mean hehe sure.......”

Changkyun 

in capital L love with you but pretends he isn’t 

crosses his arms and tries to keep a straight face when it’s obvious you’re doing something adorable and everyone else in the room is like ahhhh cute!!!

changkyun, scoffing: it isn’t even that cute...........

wonho: you shouldnt lie with the lord watching changkyun

changkyun: what

when you’re not looking, he steals glances and lowkey hates the fact that later he’ll be trying to work on something

and he’ll remember how you looked today and it’ll make him pause and just,,,,,,,kinda wish he could just walk over and talk to you

there’s really no reason he won’t just ask you out - he’s just being a big baby

you think he doesn’t really like you all that much so you get a bit anxious when asking him for a favor

but you really wanna throw a surprise party for another member so you end up asking changkyun for some help

but when you do, you accidentally hiccup in the same sentence

and you’re like oh no im a fool but

but changkyun just breaks

“how are even your hiccups cute????????”

“wh-what?”

changkyun, reaching his breaking point over a damn hiccup: “oh my god im in loooooove with you”

“wh-what??!?!?!?”

changkyun, laughing without stopping as he pulls you into his arms LOL

jooheon later on in the day: so you’re telling me you confessed to them because. they hiccuped?

changkyun: yeah. im also contacting the genius world record to ask them to put it in as the cutest hiccup to have ever been hiccuped

jooheon: ok. whipped much. 

[bigskydreaming]

I’m three seconds away from a full on mental breakdown on any given day, every given day, and literally the only reason I haven’t yet is because I know that I just fucking fundamentally CANT AFFORD TO, like, that’ll be it, I just can not fucking afford to just collapse in bed and curl up and just.....let myself buckle under the constant pressure and stress I’ve been under for god knows how long, because even a fucking DAY for that, let alone two days or three, like....that’ll just be that much more in the way of expenses I can’t even pay NOW let alone if I miss one or more days of potential work. 

And so I keep going and keep going and I haven’t slept in like two days as is because I’m busting my balls trying to make all the money I need this week even though I KNOW damn well I can’t POSSIBLY do it, that its an impossible goal, like its not even that much money in the grand scheme of things but it might as well be thousands more considering the likelihood of me actually being able to make it and yet I keep burning myself out, using up everything I dont even HAVE to use as it is because I literally cant do anything else like there’s nothing else to do, my only other options are that or just...stopping, and I just cant do that, its not in me. And so I spend every hour of every day tired and stressed and pissed off and pound out a few angry posts on tumblr every time I take an hour or two off from work because I HAVE to, because I’m so stressed and angry my hands are literally shaking and I can’t focus on work because I keep getting distracted by how fucking much I just hate everything right now and I gotta just vent SOMETHING out before I can even get back to work because I feel like a slow pressure cooker that’s been building up pressure and steam and whatever for twenty five fucking years and I have to relieve some of that pressure, I have to vent it to try and keep it from getting to be too much but its not enough, its never enough. And the punchline is it really does feel like there’s this sense of urgency, like Im running out of time, but its not cuz its like all building to some kind of dramatic finish, its not like I’m gonna just fucking EXPLODE at any point once the pressure finally builds up too much, Im not gonna DO anything, its like the complete opposite. Its like...Im scared that one day I’m just gonna wake up and just be like...done. Even though I dont want to be, like Ill still want to get out of bed and work and try and do all the things I need to do and FIX shit, do the stuff that I’ve spent all this time working towards so I can finally have some kind of LIFE something thats not just a never ending cycle of get up, work, eat, sleep, 7 days a week, 30 days a month, over and over....I just won’t be able to. Like I’ll be all used up, nothing left, I’ve tapped it all, no more fuel in the tank. That’s what I’m afraid of and that’s why I’m so. fucking. mad. all. the. time. because I dont want that, its the last thing I want and Im afraid nothing I can do can stop that from becoming a reality and that just makes me more pissed off and like...fuck. I dont have big asks, I dont have big dreams, I dont want that much, and it just makes me more mad how pathetically small my wildest fantasies are right now and how unreachable they are anyway, even when, haha, funny joke, they’re all things that aren’t inherently impossible or out of reach they’re just ENOUGH out of reach that its like the universe fucking mocking me with what I want but will never get. 

I want a fucking jaw that works. I want a day where my head doesn’t feel like its gonna split out of my skull. I want to be able to watch or read something and just ZONE out and relax for the hour that takes without being distracted half the time anyway because shouldnt I be working right now, I want to not have to worry every. fucking. day. about having a roof over my head tomorrow, if this will be the night I end up sleeping on the street again, I want to not have to have a friend check I’ve eaten every day and not gone a couple days without eating just to have an extra twenty bucks towards rent, I want to be able to walk in a straight line without falling over, to be able to go outside and TALK to people, to fucking exercise again, because fuck, I never went to the gym because of muscles, exercise is one of the only non medication things that actually gets my brain working right, keeps me motivated and my stress down and without it Im stuck relying twice as much on medication that gets less and less effective every day because of my stupid fucking metabolism like hahaha great I have a skinny waist, thats really helpful in my celibate hermitage you know what I’d like even more though? 

BEING ABLE TO FUCKING USE THE MEDS THAT MAKE MY BRAIN ACTUALLY PRODUCTIVE FOR MORE THAN THREE HOURS AT A TIME BEFORE THEY WEAR OFF AND I GOTTA POP ANOTHER ONE. I have all these things I want to do and NONE of them are big, none of them are OUT there, like, I just want to fucking be able to write and tell stories and go to the movies every now and then and I cant fucking do any of that because my entire fucking goddamn life is nothing but a never ending cycle of spending every waking moment and every ounce of energy and willpower on just fucking staying alive, and not even so I can do any of those things, do anything that matters, no, just to KEEP doing the same shit over and over and over without actually going anywhere, getting any closer to my goals, like I’ve stalled or made it as far as this fucking anchor around my ankle will let me go or there’s just this fucking wall in my way and that’s it, doesn’t matter how far I acme to get here thats as far as I get, everything I try to get past it, to keep going, it all just ends up being just barely enough to keep me right where I am, treading water, not dragged back and having to do it all over again at least but what difference does it make when this is as far as I can get and Im fucking STUCK and THIS, HERE does me no fucking good, like what the fuck is that even? 

And I know that there’s no answer to that, I know there’s no fucking point, it just is what it is, things just happen and that’s all, that’s the entire punchline of my entire fucking goddamn soap opera trainwreck of a life and every stupid fucking thing thats ever happened, there is no point, there is no WHY, it just fucking HAPPENED and if I had the tools to get past that fucking wall, I could DEAL with that, I could make my peace with that, but stuck on this side of it not being able to go any further I just can’t wrap my head around it, I cant accept it, I cant be okay with something thats true whether or not Im okay with it, and I KNOW all that and so Im stuck. Im stuck being tired and Im stuck being angry and Im angry I’m tired and I’m tired of being angry and it just keeps going and going and Im afraid thats all its ever gonna do, is keep going and going and going until I just...run out of steam. Dont reblog please. I just needed to fucking scream this somewhere other than my head so my head can maybe shut up about it and try a new song for a change.

[twistedsimblr]

These  pictures  says a lot more to me as well. And I’m sure noone will take me serious but believe me the story I’ll do you will … lol 

Siren is my favorite out of the kids I just hadn’t figured out what to do with her. Now I have an idea.

As you probably know. The story I  plan on writing all of the kids except Ren die. 

Also I’m debating whether or not to have my simself die He just thinks she had died or something But to be honest I am leaning toward her dying. Leaving just M.K and Ren ( Don’t worry the story I plan has a happy ending of course   Who doesn’t like a good happy ending how if Meg dies? Only time will tell ;) )

But This story allows everything to fall into place in an area where it just makes sense right down to M.K’s tattoos. I also thought it would be interesting to note that M.K spends a lot of time with Meg because he knows this is going to happen  in the future which leaves the other kids sort of neglected. 

And  The other kids seem to be more independent and not as bothered by it but Ren Is curious .

 And she kind of  starts investigating  things. To a point where M.K has to step in and sort of intimidate her  to get her to back off a bit. 

Which only makes her even more curious eventually  in the end she ends up finding it out or he tells her himself making her promise not to say a word to anyone and that could have caused his graying hair  hahah.  But Ren promises him she wont say anything and she keeps her word and he offers her vampire training because of it to  make sure she doesn’t even though she didn’t directly ask for it it’s kind of their thing the way they bond.  When that  time comes when the earth is thrown into turmoil Meg and the rest act a certain way and Ren shifts her focus toward her mother whom shes not as close to but still loves dearly this hurts her brother a bit whose basically her best friend A.J But Ren wants to try and save her Mother because she is aware of the type of man her father is. 

And he tries so hard to keep that from Meg. But she knows too but she pushes it in the back of her mind because she knows He’d never hurt her.  But it is a reason why M.K has grey hair ;)   Of course it would be greyer in the story I keep multiple hair colors SO M.K becomes  Old snake lolol… and goes back and becomes younger again. 

the other two Hunter  Fae and Archie who will be a toddler 

I actually thought Hunter would also survive as he’s uh super hot when he grows up lol but he’d be a teen at the time and Ren would be an adult and Hunter would be some kind of ship mechanic. 

 ( Archie  will be the first to go because I’m horrible hahaha then Fae.)  An Illness takes A.J and Meg and Fae first Archie. 

 I’m not sure about the pets I am thinking something that M.K puts them in cyro sleep or something as an animal lover I can’t bring myself to hurt an animal even if its pixelated. 

But sometimes when situations are dire you can be tempted to eat somethings you shouldnt? of course I couldn’t but I heard stories of survival that were like that. Fucked up really. 

But still exploring this part.I could abandon them which would just add the heart break or I make some colony that allows them all to thrive for a time they take them with them .  until something after they leave earth. 

But an illness causes the Newfie to die or something due to lack of resources. later a warning to M.K that despite the fact they found this colony or something eventually hard ship strikes right? Nothing truly lasts forever. Maxx is put in cyro sleep  thats how he brought him back now.  Or He has the Newfie come back with him to the past. hence why he doesn’t age as well? So many possiblities. 

So this illness or virus   which leads to fae then later A.J then  finally Meg dying I STILL DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT TO MY BABY M.K  maybe become ill im not sure It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. 

Testing M.Ks tolerance more and more until after Meg dies he becomes a changed man full of guilt and hatred toward himself for a decision he made that he thought would help his family.  He becomes a cold hearted and distant pushing away his two remaining  kids and invested heavily in smuggling as well as likely drinking to the point where he’s trying to hurt himself where most would have poisoning. Acting like he just wants to die. He abandons them and goes into hiding for  long time. 

Everything is routine to M.K like he feels nothing. He fights a good fight to defend his cargo from pirates because well it’s his job and it pays a pretty penny who doesn’t like money? But he’s killed alot of people good people. As he’s also an assassin of sorts maybe?  Or just looking out for his daughter ;) despite him becoming this ruthless monster. 

I had an idea that M.K  he discovers a drug that slows or stops his healing factor  for a time like temporarily but eventually over time he becomes addicted to this because to him he sort of deserves to feel pain his healing factor is   thats sort of like wolverines but not as overkill  and if hes feeling weak it wont work as quickly  so he could allow himself to feel pain more intensely as well as  get hurt ..He can also attach limbs if he’s fast enough.Not many try to cut off his legs though  lmao. maybe a toe or something a finger a hand what ever an ear. Lazarus much?

Ren tries one last time to talk to him not having done so after her mother dies  and she finds blood soaked bandages  and blood everywhere or something and all these needles or something But he’s no where to be found at least so she thought M.K almost kills her not recognizing her at first  then  while nearly having a knife or something to her throat asks  How she found him. 

And that’s when she says she’s there to kill him and he just laughs and says everyone wants my ass on a platter Im not surprised what’s holding you back then? Because I’m your daddy?

. Ren being the best Bounty hunter or ranger in the galaxy or something. She and her father  they fight or something 

 But she wins and while M.K destroyed alot of things including maybe killing her lover  or something  a friend  maybe theres some resentment to being abandoned by the only thing she and Hunter had left? 

But she didn’t know the man her father killed wasn’t all he cracked up to be .or so was only interested in her because of him and was hoping she knew where he was she didn’t but wasn’t convinced also stole money from her and cheated on her. Maybe Ren knew she had to kill him  maybe she knew his location but knows she can’t kill him. 

 I also thought a brief arguement ensues with these so called good people her lover included her previous a male and I’m perhaps thinking her current being female.  And M.K kills them because  the man didn’t really love her and was just trying to get closer to him because the reward for him dead was hard to pass up. That though smart She was always so gullable and quite often when she thought she had thwarted her enemies it was M.K who did it all.  despite them being enemies He still looks out for her like I mentioned. And people literally shit thier pants when they run into him and if they want to do business with him well they better be paying good money for it. Or no deal. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if MK kills women too being that upset He goes back to his old ways.. And his sense of humor becomes twisted…  the hilarious thing is that as much as he loves sex I can’t see him even getting involved with someone and if he does it triggers some kind of memory or he feels dirty like a strange tick 

I say this because after sex with Meg he always washes his hands like he feels dirty so I’m thinking he has this thing were he feels gross. But sex to him is a a free meal. of blood despite him liking food. food becomes scarce so He’s gotta go all antique vampire like now which is why he was able to survive him and Ren. 

  He doesn’t really like to leave a trail and he usually plucks off people or women that he feels  wouldn’t be missed.

and had a bad reputation and was sought after she spares his life after winning   He tells her that he was proud of her and she cracks a bit.  Because she sees a glimpse of her father she hadn’t seen in a long time. then says theres a way he could be happy again and it was classfied and hence that’s what you see on my blog. Memories of the past. I actually think I'd have Archie Survive he's so much like his mum I love him 

[notconsolation]

So here’s my history. It’s gonna be long, so I fully do not expect anyone to read this, this is as much a record for myself as it is anything else. I fucking pray this read more works. If it doesn’t, happy scrolling, it’s a long one boys

It’s hard to place because my memories of the beginning are quite vague. It became noticeable at the end of the summer of 2012, so I’m guessing  it started in sort of late 2011. So I was 13. It sort of kicked off with orthorexia, but neither I nor anybody in my circle would have known the signs to notice them. It also turned into anorexia pretty early on I think. Or at least I just finally accepted the label after a while. I always hated the word, though. It’s a phonetically horrible word. The german was worse to me, though now I think it’s more accurate. ‘Magersucht’ - ‘gauntness/skinness addiction’ basically. I don’t know- I just started eating things like a salad with no vinegar and no oil once a day, then sort of once every two days and nobody really noticed. I went on an exchange trip to Spain that summer and I hated it because everything was oily and I felt the stains the food left around my mouth and had to fight the urge to wipe away at it constantly. I would try to cut it up and spread the food around the plate to get rid of oil, I’d rub it on my lips on the way to my mouth so that I could wipe it off afterwards rather than take it in. I went vegan I went gluten free I went uh.. food free after a bit basically. My mother noticed in late 2012 because she went away for a week and when she came back she said my clothes hung off me and I’d always been a size xs. Didn’t stop me from doing youtube workout videos from 11pm until 2 every night. God, my tailbone bled onto my sheets sometimes and I’d use that to pretend I was still getting my period. It was obsessive, but in a way that’s very removed to me now, because now I’m obsessive in so many different ways, though partially about the same things.

We spent a long time sort of not doing much except my mother fretting and my father not mentioning it and my sister rolling her eyes at my attention whoring by coercing my organs into imminent failure. We went to a couple of doctors to try to get some kind of diagnosis because I wasn’t strictly denying that there was something wrong, but I wan’t going to take the intiative to get ‘better’ from a situation which I perceived as not normal, sure, but not my responsibility to fix because it wasn’t my mind that told me I wasn’t normal and okay, it was everyone else’s. So if my being deathly thin bothered them, they could do something about it but I wouldn’t. I think that’s more or less what my thought process was. I guess around this time I was hovering around 42-44 kilos. I got so fucking good at figuring out which of my clothes weighed the most so that I could wear them when my mom would weigh me and cry. I knew she wouldn’t want to see my body, so I wore layers of wet clothes under denim and she never asked me to take it off cause she didn’t want to see my bones. In fairness I cried a lot, too. Sometimes I guess we cried about a lot of the same stuff.

My relationship with my ED is, to a large degree, inseparable from my relationship to my mother because for three very formative years in my life we spent every conscious moment aware of how much suffering each was going through, and that empathy magnified the pain and suffering itself. I talk about this in past tense when really I shouldn’t, but it’s easier to pretend now that we live in separate countries. She is the best person and I don’t know.

But anyway, we went to different therapists for a while. None of them did much. We tried this family based approach for a while which was... god i never want to go to family therapy of any kind ever ever ever again. Didn’t help, really. I saw that therapist about a year later when I was walking home from school and she stopped me and said I was looking so good and wasn’t it nice that I was recovering and I was thisclose to spearing her with a pitchfork and telling her that really, as a therapist that specialises in eating disorders she should know better than to assume someone is in recovery because they’ve gained weight before cooking her up like a suckling pig. She was probably objectively nice. But she was such a fucking Karen. Anyway, all this time I was still losing weight. I got up early and drank litres so I’d still weigh the same in the morning, but man. There was a morning when I overslept and I panicked and my mother panicked and we all cried and she wouldn’t give me time to layer up and drink and so - tada - there’s the number blinking up at me and everyone i angry and there’s a lot of snot from my mother and spit from my father, but my body holds on to its fluids because it knows i can’t afford to lose them. anyway, I hate the number 35.8 now forever. I’m not even entirely sure that was my lowest weight but I’ve literally blocked out those memories. I have no access to them whatsoever.

I have no idea how i never fainted. I missed a lot of school. Everyone went so far out of their way to accommodate me. I realise i haven’t been talking about what went on inside me and it’s because it’s like there’s a haze over it all, muffling the whole thing and inserting this sort of dead, lifeless ringing into my ears and before my eyes. I know I was obsessive and that I was aware that I should get better and I agreed that I should get better, but that I would always find ways to make sure I didn’t eat more than 800 calories a day at most. Thereabouts, anyway. I just Don’t Remember so much of it. But yeah. My parents got me a place on a clinic waiting list and I got moved up to have an interview with the Oberfrauärtztinchefincaptainsirmaam and i am so very grateful that she was so very awful. I distinctly remember her telling me i should be strapped to a bed with a needle in my arm and that i shouldnt be thinking and doing school work anymore because intense thinking can burn as many calories an hour as a lumberjack at work. So when a spot opened up at the clinic I was able to beg and cry and beg my parents for one last shot at doing it myself. I have no idea why they let me, I really don’t. By this point one or more of my organs had probably been permanently damaged and it’s a miracle my bones aren’t entirely porous and brittle. I get survivors guilt sometimes because I really do think that, objectively, I shouldn’t be alive. I shouldn’t have made it through that. And I was so difficult about it. I would say I want to recover, and then not do anything to further that. I’d shoot down every suggestion and option and resolutely state that I was different and so, sorry mother mine, but the big fat book you bought with helpful tips and tricks? not gonna help, go away, leave me alone. I guess that was my version of teenage angst: ‘go away, I don’t need help literally staying alive because I’m a different human being from every other human being that’s ever gone through this’.

I do still believe that, in a way. I believe that everyone’s experience of it is different, and the causalities are so muddled that they’re barely discernible, but I was such a bitch about. I mean I still am, 100% but..!.

But I did gain weight back. I was still fucked up inside, but people stopped asking if I was feeling okay and started telling me they were so glad and proud that I was feeling better. Nobody really thought ‘hey, maybe telling this girl constantly and with strong, authoritative voices that she needs to eat eat eat eat eateateateatEAT might fuck her up a bit uwu’. It’s simplistic to blame it on that, though. But yes. I gained about 30 kilos in 2 years and I hated every second of it and my mental state deteriorated pretty steadily and lo, my anorexia became more akin to binge eating disorder. Depression kicks in, identity crises abound, the constant nagging intrusive ideas and noisy background of thoughts never stop, gender dysphoria jumps on the bandwagon for a while, and all manner of those tasty self-destructive tendencies find days of my life to cronch down on and consume whole.

But it always comes back down to food. I’ve made the binge eating section of this so brief because it exhausts me so and because I’m not sure how comprehensible it is as a concept to people. When you say binge eating disorder people sometimes think ‘oh shit man, I get you, I eat waaay to many pizzas AND, christ help me, sometimes I have a whole tub of ice cream by myself i hope god can forgive me hahaha’

BUt, Chad, what you fail to understand is that this is chronic behaviour where I consume sometimes seven or eight thousand calories at once and calculate every single one afterwards and literally worry that my stomach might rupture from the sheer volume of food and also that I’m doing yet more serious long term damage to my body and oh! hey frantic google searches on how diabetes works and if you can get it from repeatedly eating whole jars of nutella! didn’t see you there!

Listen, it’s all been a downer, yeah. By this point I’m assuming I’m speaking exclusively to the future self that I wrote this for as a record of what I remember. But listen. It always comes down to food for me. It just always does. And this whole thing was just sparked by the notion that I would love it if more people were aware that, sure, I deal with it because I have to and because it’s what one does, but if you could just... not bring up food to me unless I bring it up first? that would be great? And i don’t mean questions about my thoughts on it or anything, I just mean specifically for the future prospect of eating. For that very specific thing, if you don’t bring it up I’ll be super grateful because yeah, I’d love to watch a movie with you, but I’d love it even more if I didn’t have to spend an hour thinking of an excuse for not eating popcorn or not wanting to go for drinks afterwards. I think it would be amazing if we could establish a dialogue as a norm.

something like at some point having a conversation with someone along the lines of

‘hey, you know I don’t judge you or expect you to justify your eating habits to me, right?’

‘wait, really?’

‘yeah, that’s your business and I honestly don’t care, so you can stop stressing about it’

This has been an ED chat with Hannah

[eternlmisery]

what can i say? I love rich people drama 

that’s the worst marriage party 

joseph is living 

hahahahahaha 

steven is literally the most genuine and nice character out of all the carringtons

fallon hahahahaha 

one “little” decapitation 

hahaha sotpp the shade is real 

hahahah i love her yasss

the shade is SO real 

I LOVE JOSEPH SO MUCH 

“I can hardly keep up” 

well at least it didn’t rain 

well... it did rain blood so 

the shade... the shade of it all 

fallon is mood 

yeah yeah whatever just money we don’t give a shit abotu matthew

fuckk

that’s about to be real

hahahahaha steven is amazing 

DIDNT STOP YOU BEFORE

“assume” 

fallon is literally me when i fight with my dad 

SAME THIGN 

hahahahahaha this is literally creepy 

DAMN 

i still dont know what coo is 

you shouldnt like cry 

oh my god ew

ew

continues to be ew

uhm anyone? hellooo? 

jesus can’t she do her job correctly? 

this is giving me so much anxiety 

MEMEMEME

this is a legitimate panic attack mood 

hahahahah i fucking love these two siblings 

this is lit 

“who are you again?”  

right. 

HER LITTLE LAUGH 

oh yeah that one

ate everything else gave her one croissant 

fucking people? 

i don’t know

i mean you have a job man 

well i might as well eat 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA

every single day 

i love fallon so much 

STEVEN STOP LITERALLY BEING A DETECTIVE 

just fuck the driver again and tell him to be quiet

can you?

can you really trust family?

[grubhivemind]

RYAN: -she's here at sage and jack's place, knocking on the door impatiently. she's like 99% sure jack isn't here because she made the mistake of messaging him ahead of time, but even if he isn't, sage might be able to tell her where she can find him. she takes a drag off a cigarette while she waits for an answer.-

SAGE: -oops, she napped for too long, and the door knocking makes her get up off the couch sleepily and stumble to the front door. her hair is a mess, but she smiles seeing Ryan when she pulls the door open- hey!!!!!!

RYAN: -manages a little smile for sage, but damn ryan does not look great. she's got her own hair pulled back but it's still managing to stick out all over the place. and she looks tired, sickly even. she'd look even worse if she didn't have her shades on to cover her eyes.- 

RYAN: hey baby. 

RYAN: i dont suppose jack is home is he?

SAGE: -uh oh...she doesn't look so well.- no actually but are you okay?????? -is it bad she's a little relieved that ryan  needs help right now? it takes the focus off of sage at least. maybe she's a bad person for feeling that way-

RYAN: -exhales smoke, muttering.- figures. 

RYAN: im just... peachy. -waves her hand around.- 

RYAN: im pretty sure jack is avoiding me is all. whatever.

SAGE: -frowns- why would you think that??? -steps to the side so she can come in-

RYAN: -shuffles on inside. every step feels so heavy.- well first it just started with him cancelling plans. turning down offers to hang out and shit. 

RYAN: and then... since easter i havent even heard from him. 

RYAN: -gestures wildly again.- hes never here when i say im coming over conveniently.

SAGE: oh...... -she sighs a little and goes to get ryan some water because she doesn't look good- did something happen on easter?????

RYAN: no. 

RYAN: ... -sighs- i mean.

RYAN: nothing happened with him. 

RYAN: i was at james and roxannes for easter you know like we usually do. and i asked jack to hang out after but he turned me down. 

RYAN: and its like whatever!! it didnt bother me. i just made other plans and... 

RYAN: -runs a hand through her hair- i hung out with this dude nellie and. shit. 

RYAN: man i fucked up. 

RYAN: jack probably found out with his dumbass soothsayin bullshit. fuck.

SAGE: oh....... -hands ryan a cold bottle of water- that's pretty weird!!!!!!! 

SAGE: what do you mean you fucked up???

RYAN: -takes the water bottle and casually sips- ... 

RYAN: i was out partying all night. 

RYAN: aaand the following day.

SAGE: -she knows the power of reactions so she just nods- it happens...... 

SAGE: it's okay

RYAN: -glances away, unfortunately a little irritated by that response. but... that isn't something she's about to take out on sage of all people.- 

RYAN: i guess.

RYAN: i mean its clearly not entirely okay.

SAGE: yeah but....... 

SAGE: sometimes you go backwards before you go forwards???? it's something i learned in the hospital i guess....relapsing doesn't take away from all the progress you've made so far

SAGE: i don't know what's up with jack

RYAN: -finds an ash tray to put her cig out in. there's gotta be one around.- it does when you could end up dead. 

RYAN: hes being-- hes being an asshole. -runs a hand over her face, trying to contain the emotion suddenly threatening to surface. she isn't usually like this...- 

RYAN: he shouldnt have taken me back if he cant deal with my shit.

SAGE: -ryan's words bring up some thoughts she immediately tries to ignore- i had no idea..... 

SAGE: are you okay????

RYAN: ive been sober like... eight or nine months?? fuck. 

RYAN: you know how dangerous it is to pick that shit back up suddenly? 

RYAN: im fucking stupid. -sniffs-

SAGE: -she nods, expression softening- i don't think you're stupid at all 

 SAGE: i think you're trying your hardest and deserve more support than you're getting

RYAN: -turns back towards her suddenly. she can't hide the way her mascara is running past the shades.- ive got PLENTY of support. 

RYAN: i always fucking did. -draws in a sharp breath, shrinking back and internally scolding herself for lashing out at sage of all people.- 

RYAN: im just ungrateful. 

RYAN: and he thinks-- he thinks im his responsibility. 

RYAN: i never wanted that... i never wanted to dump all this baggage on him. 

RYAN: ... but it doesnt work that way does it?

SAGE: -it hurts to see her aunt in so much pain. she feels small when it comes to trying to help, and it doesn't seem like she has any of the right things to say. are there any right things to say?- i don't think you're-- -she stops herself because she's thinking that won't help either. and she doesn't want to make ryan more angry and frustrated than she already is. it's understandable why she's feeling so strongly- 

SAGE: i...... 

SAGE: he hasn't said anything so i can't speak for him but i don't think you're dumping baggage on anybody

RYAN: -rubs at her eyes under her shades- i know you dont think that sweetie... -sighs- 

RYAN: but its still there. you know? people can see that. 

RYAN: everybody tells me aw ryan its alright... these things happen. everything will be okay. 

RYAN: and its fucking hard to hear when i see how much it hurts everybody. 

RYAN: ive got one selfish fucking disease. and nobody wants to admit that it is. everybody just wants to think about me and help me and i cant fucking... deal with what i do to people. when i never gave anybody anything in return.

SAGE: -she looks down for a moment- yeah....... 

SAGE: i know what you mean.... 

SAGE: it's really hard

RYAN: -sniffles again, running a hand over her hair.- yeah? 

RYAN: i always thought hed understand too. 

RYAN: ... maybe he understands too much. maybe thats the problem. i dont fucking know.

SAGE: -she nods before just...leaning over to hug her tightly-

RYAN: ... -carefully wraps her arms around her too, hesitant at first, but then she squeezes just as tight.- 

RYAN: it sucks doesnt it? 

RYAN: feeling like a burden. 

RYAN: -scoffs- when everyones so good to you... like you dont deserve what people give to you. -pets at her hair-

SAGE: -her eyes are watering a little but she blinks the tears back- yeah.......... 

SAGE: and it feels like.......they're disappointed when they can't make what's happening go away.........and then you feel bad because they feel bad....

RYAN: -outright laughs about that, she's so relieved to have this conversation. that someone who gets it is actually sharing it with her.- FUCK yeah. jesus. 

RYAN: like shit man... i know i need help but... 

RYAN: theres only so much anybody can do for me. i gotta figure out the rest of it on my own. 

RYAN: and i just... want people to be there sometimes. i just wanna know we can all still be cool without people worrying about me all the time. 

RYAN: slap me on the wrist from time to time to keep me straight. its whatever. but fuck... aint nobody my keeper. i wouldnt wish that on anybody hahaha.

SAGE: -keeps holding onto her. her eyes are still brimming with tears but she's trying to blink them back- i know right?????? like..........sometimes you just know they're thinking about what you're struggling with?????? even if they don't say it.....

RYAN: -pulls away to frame this sweet niece's face, brushing away her tears, but only to make way for more. it's good that she's crying. it's good that it makes ryan want to cry more too.- well hey... 

RYAN: if you ever need someone to feel like a pathetic loser with then im your girl. 

RYAN: we dont gotta keep it together for anybody... just for a lil while. that sound cool?

SAGE: -she nods, forcing a smile- you can always come to me too!!!

RYAN: -pets at her hair some more.- im gonna do that. 

RYAN: we can just veg and eat ice cream and watch sad movies and shit. itll be great. 

RYAN: we should do that tonight. 

RYAN: ... and jack cant avoid me if im already here. -snorts-

SAGE: -she giggles a little while sniffling- i like the sound of that!!!! 

SAGE: like a sleepover!!!!

RYAN: hell yeah. 

RYAN: please tell me youve already got ice cream...

SAGE: DUH!!!!!!!

RYAN: thank FUCK. -laughs- 

RYAN: grab the ice cream... ill get us something REAL sappy to watch.

SAGE: -she giggles with ryan and wipes her own face off- okay but no movies where the dog dies!!!!!