#i started it some time last year around october i think?? spn has just slowed me down a lot :(

[caswlw]

How many seasons of cm have you seen

i’m on 7x06 rn :D

[oiseaux-de-proie]

Even when it is the weekend my chest often feels tight and I feel like I am running out of time. It’s harder for me to slow down. I think it’s an anxiety response due to overthinking about the responsibilities I have. Anyways, I’m sitting down now to take some time to think through things.

This past week has not been bad. I still feel like things are shifting and I’m making progress in some way, I just don’t feel as much momentum as I did the previous week. My mood is a bit lower and my anxiety is higher. It’s a bit of a trudge and an active struggle but I am still moving forward I think, with processing things, navigating my own emotions and thoughts, and trying to be more aware and less judgmental of them. I have been trying to meditate at least a bit every day, and do grounding exercises. There hasn’t been much going on otherwise other than working. The other night I did go to hang out with some people I knew from community college for a bit and that was nice. Nick showed me this anime called Wonder Egg Priority and I felt drawn into it. So far it’s struck me because I’ve related a lot to the main character in it, and the parts about friendship remind me a lot of myself and Lost. I’m hoping to watch more of it later. I went hiking today too, just like I did last week,

I should talk a bit about Lost even though for some reason it’s a bit painful- hell I don’t even quite understand why it’s painful. I don’t know why my mind’s made it this thing that I walk on metaphorical eggshells around. I can’t think of something that is tangibly wrong or that’s happened. The conclusion I’ve come to is that what’s going on is systemic to me and relationships right now and it’s due to things that have accumulated a lot over time.

Ever since last year- last winter- winter of 2019 into 2020 something shifted. Lost and I connected just as well as we did before then. Our connection is electric. Things flowed so well- but also my thoughts flowed far better too, and I had less anxiety than I do now. Then in October something snapped in me. I still have those blogs from then. In hindsight I know it’s the accumulation of everything that’d happened with the spn I’d been suppressing for years. I started to have emotional flashbacks and nightmarish episodes that spiraled and repeated through the entire winter. My worldview crumbled. Everything in my mind crumbled and I became very paranoid and insecure and fell further and further into the rote pattern I have of feeling guilt and blaming myself and thinking that everyone will eventually unveil me to be a fraud- including Lost. And the depression. It’s hard even now to remember the transition of it all because of how foggy it was, but I think it shifted the foundation of everything for me including how I cope with relationships, and my trust in people and in myself eroded.

On the tail end of that Lost and I had decided to jointly study a bunch of philosophy things but I had a very hard time keeping up with it due to where I was mentally- and when I started medication I went even more numb. Especially with the coronavirus lock downs. My anxiety and self judgement worsened and I became more judgemental of myself the more I couldn’t keep up with studying and the more I felt I couldn’t comprehend the abstract concepts that I used to. Summer was a clusterfuck, and further and further removed from myself I got into the stuff with Lans that caused things to be more tense between Lost and I for various reasons that are not worth going into now that it’s over. But just since then things have felt tense and I haven’t known what to talk about, often even hiding my own thoughts from myself, and just...

I know that a lot of problems lately are due to the anxiety I am experiencing, and emotional trauma responses I have mentioned before. I have been constantly harshly judging myself in my own mind and as a result I project that onto everything around me and I am always searching for ways to confirm that bias, now even in Lost, especially since I am the most vulnerable to her. Ever since things with my parents, especially, I have been trying to minimize my vulnerability to emotions and people as much as possible in a frantic attempt to minimize the extent to which I can get hurt- but as a result I have just been shutting down more, even to Lost, and presuming that she is going to judge or misread me when she is genuinely trying not to. As a result of my compounded behavior changes over time she senses my assumption that she will attack me and has developed her own pattern of holding things back and assuming that conversations will go nowhere...That’s why we mutually agreed to take a break. To reset this. It won’t be reset entirely but we want to let go assumptions and edge back a bit towards square one of things. I was very terrified of this at first because I have serious abandonment anxiety I am realizing (primarily from a lot of spn things in hindsight) but I did reason that out and come to the conclusion that space for a while is healthy. So we will not be talking until her semester is over sometime in early May. I am not sure how I will unravel things. I hope that time will tell. Sometimes I feel bursts of clarity. I just know that to be able to clarify our relationship I need to specially *not* focus on it much, and focus on myself and continuing to heal, because my wellbeing is what will promote the wellbeing of my friendship with her and all of my other relationships.

The changes I have felt I am not sure how to articulate even still but I will continue to move forward. I feel as if I continue to throw up as many things as I can the pieces of the picture will eventually begin to come together of their own accord.

I’ll continue some other things later.