#i started this on halloween 2020 lmfao

[shiftylinguini]

Do you take prompts? If not, have a nice day, but if so, I love your Bound series, and I was wondering if you'd consider a prequel about Remus first realizing that he's both desperate for, and desperately possessive of, Sirius, when they were back in school.

YES, hello, I do, however it goes without saying that it takes me forever to actually post them LOL. Anyway, I wrote this yonks ago and tidied it up this afternoon because I was in a Mood, and here we go. 

Warnings for jealousy, Hogwarts era, casual promiscuity and references to Sirius/OFC, werewolfy imagery, Irish Remus and general angst regarding boys being careless with each others’ feelings. enjoy! lol. 

It’s Halloween, and Remus is miserable.

***

It’s Halloween, and Remus is miserable.

There's a party in the dungeons; the Slytherins are hosting. "They're twats," James declared before he left their dorms, deliberately dishevelled in his pirate costume, a cutlass dangling from one hand and cider in the other. "But they throw a good piss up."

Peter agreed, predictably affable and struggling into his Peter Pan outfit. Sirius ignored them both, concentrating on doing his eyeliner right. He's a self-declared glam rock icon tonight, black glitter and flares and Marc Bolan curls. His pirate costume (second mate to James's Hook, of course) lay discarded on his bed in favour of something louder, more offensive, more Muggle.

They've all been too polite to ask why. (They all know it's because Regulus might be there).  

The party probably is good. Remus isn't there.

He was there, for an hour or so. Just long  enough for two chipped mugs of butterbeer heavily spiked with cheap whiskey and to see Sirius with his tongue down Margot Holdings' throat, his lipstick smearing crimson onto hers.

Remus begged off then, made his escape after throwing James some crap excuse about how the moon two nights ago was still making him feel woozy. James knew it was bullshit. He said nothing though, and let Remus scarper off like a kicked dog. James is the best of mates that way; he bulldozes through most conversations and into people's lives but he knows when to be quiet, how to keep a secret.

When to let Remus skulk off to their dorm to hide in his bunk and stew about Sirius.

Remus pulls the curtains tight. He kicks his shoes off, but leaves the rest of his costume as it is, pressing his face to the pillow and probably smearing lazy Dracula greasepaint all over it. It was a half-arsed effort, really. Three quarter-arsed, at best; Remus doesn't like dressing up as monsters. (He has enough of a time playing human).

He closes his eyes, then opens them again. He huffs grumpily against the pillow, wriggling to get comfortable and failing. He feels crap. He has no valid excuse for it―not one he's willing to admit to.

James knows about Remus and Sirius, and the bed hopping between them. He has ears, and eyes, and the dorm's not that big. It's not really a secret. The four of them just act like it's one, for everybody's sake.

Whatever it is, it's usually just a mess. And not a particularly monogamous one.

Remus has no reason to be upset about it. He and Sirius aren't an item. They're something, but Sirius isn't breaking any rules by snogging pretty girls under dimmed party lights. It might be nice if he didn't do it in front of Remus, but it also might be nice if he hadn't tried to make Remus a murderer two years ago. There's a lot of ways they could be nicer to each other. In perspective, the kissing doesn't seem that bad.

Remus could do the same, and might, if he trusted himself around anyone other than Sirius. (If there were girls as pretty as Sirius).

Remus doesn't trust himself with people other than Sirius, though. He's bookish and boring and plain and sometimes he daydreams about ripping his classmates apart. He's tall and pleasant and polite, and he's forever five years old, a rag doll in a wolf's jaws in a field in Ireland, changed and scarred. Sirius gets it, even if he can be a prick. He pushes buttons. He lights up the room. He gets under Remus's skin and makes him feel sane at the same time. He's one of the few people Remus trusts himself and the wolf around, even if he doesn't really trust Sirius anymore. Sirius fucked that right up for the both of them. It's confusing, but Remus is smart. He'll figure his way around it.

He devours books instead, pages and scrolls and tomes. He tries to be boring. He tries to be plain. He tries to be someone people like but mostly forget, the nice Irish lad tagging along with loud James and cocky Sirius and sweet Peter. He worries sometimes that he's doing it too well.

He tries not to think of Margot's hands on Sirius's waist, but he falls asleep to fevered images of them just the same.

***

Remus half-wakes to the <i>swish</i> of curtains flinging open. There's a low giggle and then the thump of platform boots hitting the floor.

"Moony." The bed dips. "Moooonyyy."

Remus is half asleep, surfacing from dreams he's already forgetting. He snuffles into his pillow, as if he can bury himself like a mole and back into sleep.

He's almost back asleep when he feels arms wrapping around his chest, Sirius spooning up behind him. He smells like alcohol, the remnants of cologne and clean sweat. He smells like someone else too; Remus shuts that thought down as quickly as he can, but it's too late. That little wolfy part of him that doesn't vanish with the full moon is always attuned to these things, pricking up its ears and growling low and threatening. Remus feels it in his belly. He's wide awake now.

"Sirius," he whispers, low and annoyed. He swallows. "You know this isn't your bed, yeah?" he grumbles.

Sirius laughs. He's drunk, loose and pliant. Remus doesn't know if that means he fucked her. He could tell, if he tried, if he let the wolf sniff her out. He's not going to do that though. He's got to have some self respect.

Sirius snake arms squeeze around him tighter. His knees are tucked up behind Remus's. "I couldn't find you," he slurs. "And then James said you were sad." Sirius exhales on a half yawn.

Remus waits, but Sirius doesn't say more, as if this is enough of an explanation as to why he's crawled into Remus's bed and wrapped around him like a vine.

Honestly, it is. Sirius can be complex, and sometimes he can be impressively simple.

And if Remus keeps his eyes shut, and doesn't look at the time on his watch, then he can pretend it's only been half an hour since he left the party―that Sirius noticed quickly and didn't stay on for hours, 'til dawn was approaching and the morning birds were chirping, didn't finger Margot behind a statue and kiss her neck until he left marks and then saunter back to his other mates, proud and loose-limbed and swigging whiskey before working up a sweat on the makeshift dance floor. That he didn't ask James as an afterthought once he'd had his fun, <i>hey, where did Mooney bugger off to?</i> That he didn't come and hop into Remus's bed as a way to end his night instead of the purpose of it.

It's a night thought. It's horse shit, and Remus knows it, but if he never sees the time then it will never be confirmed. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, if your best mate is a careless prick but you weren't there to see it, then did it really happen?

Behind him, Sirius's breath gusts over the back of his neck, and then again. The rhythm of sleep. His chest rises and falls easily, pressed all up against Remus's back, hips flush against Remus's pyjama-clad thighs. Remus keeps his own breathing shallow, tries not to breathe him in. It makes his head spin a little, not quite enough oxygen getting into his lungs. He's wide awake, and so is the wolf, the scar on his shoulder prickling like pins and needles and his senses tingling too.

His pillow is going to smell like Sirius for days now after this, longer if he hides the case from the elves and doesn't let them wash it. He'll want to roll in it, smell like Sirius, rub his face over the plain cotton and mouth at it until his breath dampens the pillow and Remus can taste it on his tongue. He might let himself do it. He'll hate himself afterwards, but he might let himself all the same.

He blinks, his vision swimming a little from his half-held breath before he gasps down a lungful, and there it is. Sirius all around him, thick in the air. He smells sweet, and sleepy, relaxed and content, and with a bitter pang Remus can smell her too. The wolf inside him can smell her. Remus braces for the comforting lurch of anger, of rage, for gnashing teeth and snarling lips, but it doesn't come.

There's a whine building in his chest instead, something sad and bereft, hurt. It feels like ears pulled back against his head, like a soft muzzle pressed against the cold ground. It sounds like a kicked dog, crawling on its belly back for more anyway.

Remus sniffs, blinking the sting away from his eyes and feeling his lashes come away wet. He curls a fist into his blanket, fingers tense and his breath shaky as he alternates between short sharp breaths and letting himself breath Sirius in, his chest tight from more than Sirius's boa constrictor arms. His eyes droop eventually, his face sore from frowning, but sleep hovers in his periphery like the moon slipping out of view over a highway.

Remus is too smart to fall for Sirius. The wolf isn't.

***

[xlbi]

i will keep doing these every year for the foreseeable future but i draw the line at changing my age in my bio

i was honestly dreading doing this for 2020 because i figured it was just a sad empty hole of a year, but when i actually look back and think about it, i had some of the biggest milestones of my life this year??

FOR ONE, in a stunning twist of events that no one saw coming (least of all myself, which is why i didn’t even bother to include it as a goal in my post last year), i. got my license o: i have mentioned getting my license (or rather my failure to get it) in literally every one of these posts since i started doing them and it finally happened asdjagkdjls 

actually being able to drive on my own without crying and panicking is a different story lmfao but baby steps

other good things from 2020:

-ilmbw 2020!! + bitf retreat as a co

-i dont know why because this is super specific but i think about the time me nicole sereena saúl and juliette went to barneys in santa monica ALL the time i think because it just represents pre-covid life so beautifully, like it wasn’t a Big Event it was just a random night and we went out and had lots of fun

-kara’s bday dinner + giant margaritas

-beach painting w sarah

-cuties/advent of helanicola

-speaking of which: three (3!!) classes with judy, created my graphic memoir!! busted my ass but i am so proud of the finished product; won the dept prize for roots that she nominated me for

-related: got to see my monologue performed in lips (twice) and sereena brought me flowers !!! that was also the same day we got brunch with sarah which might have been the VERY last time i had bottomless mimosas :’(

-published last fem article/a diet by any other name

-heaven on earth party although we both emerged tattooless (we couldn’t have known though!!)

-first (and last) gymnastics meet at ucla !! 

-lots of coffee shop “studying”: attempted flowerboy, coffee connection, that french one down gayley, the one that was trying to be a sushi place, the one with no wifi, the expensive place in ktown with the scary parking guy

-big haircut + bangs that looked good for a whole 24 hrs

-rebecca’s LA visit!!

-graduated from college?? even though it was obviously not under ideal circumstances this is still something i never thought would happen so like damn

-started painting/doing art more; carved my first stamps!! printed a tote!

-baking zooms w alanicole

-got some good quality time in with emily before she left for boston :’)

-picnics galore this summer/fall (even winter, honestly) / painting at the park by myself / charcoochie

-skating!!

-started trying to do more fun things with my makeup

-went through a couple of therapists this year but i ended up with katie and i really like her so far

-monterey day trip with abi and nicole

-carmel trip with benj

-related: first second thirds :-)

-first internship

-picked up a cube??

-my best halloween costume to date if i do say so myself

-did i mention i got my license

-got my tragus pierced, got a new tattoo!!!! fish joint from ian

[starchildrenofdustand-ashes]

I was tagged in this tag thingie by the amazing @laviepotato !

Rules: answers the questions, then tag 10 followers you want to get to know better!

Name- Jill

Pronouns: she/ her

Star sign: Scorpio

Height : 5’1

Age: 20

Wallpaper: like phone wallpaper? Lol it’s this really cute pic of Flower the skunk from the Disney movie Bambi 🥺

Hogwarts house : ravenclaw 💙

Ever had a crush on teacher : LMFAO NO

Coolest Halloween costume: One year my friends and I went as the Heathers and we slayed so hard.

Last kiss: ooooof literally not since my senior year of Hs (which is feels like forever ago but you don’t understand how much my germophobia has impeded my amorous life 😭)

Ever been stood up: no lol

Favorite pair of shoes: I have some hot pink leather converse with this really pretty art nouveau type pattern on them

Ever been to Vegas: yes! And it was hot and I had several asthma attacks lmfaooo

Favorite fruit : grapefruit or cantaloupe!

Favorite book: the last unicorn or the picture of Dorian gray.

Stupidest thing I’ve ever done: I have chronic back pain and I burned my first heating pad... so I made a makeshift one out of a wet towel and I heated it. And at first it worked really well! But then when I went to reheat it, i didn’t realize it wasn’t damp enough and that it had started to dry so it set on fire in the microwave. It was so scary lol.

Favorite show: it’s currently Julie and the Phantoms! But I also loved The Haunting of Hill House/ Bly Manor and Friends always has a special place in my heart

Last movie you saw in theaters: it’s legit been over a year since I’ve been inside a movie theater. It was Cats in January 2020 😳

I’m gonna tag some of the mutuals I always see on my dash/activity feed! 🥺 @natalie-natalie-natalie @stormy-22 @andthis-iswhy-wetellthestory @thatgirlintheaudience @hashbrown-slut and that’s not ten but I can’t count and tagging scares me so ahah (sorry if you’ve already been tagged - ignore me! )

[lesbianmaxevans]

2020 ‘Best Happenings’ Tag

tagged by @bookcub

January- ??? honestly january was a Bad month bc someone I considered a close friend blocked me and then I spent the rest of the month practically s*icidal so................ yeah. N/A

February- I stumbled upon Kennie JD aka one of the best youtubers and also my fave. also started watching The Dead Lands which is a fucking masterpiece!!!

March- I started talking to @lesbiandiegohargreeves aka one of my best friends on here 💖

April- I was able to work from home which was so nice I was getting appropriate amounts of sleep bc I wasn’t stressed about being in the office lmao I hate capitalism......................

May- I was churning out fics and having fun sharing them w sam lmao

June- I’m drawing a blank but the final episodes of alexa & katie dropped on nf that month so I’m gonna go w that lmao

July- I’m sure other things of note happened but I got @transgeordi to watch the star wars ot w me for my bday and they loved them 🥺🥺🥺

August- I think this is when I started talking to @itmeansdove?? love u yona

September- I was watching smallville for the first time and going fully feral over clana. s4b was PEAK

October- did I do anything except my 31 days of halloween challenge???? I honestly can’t recall. also debatable to say that was a positive bc I was majorly fucking up my sleep schedule to post those edits daily lmfao but I’m proud of myself for accomplishing it!!! wait jk I was just reminded that I had the delightful experience of watching @caminadrummer’s breakdown as they finished merlin for the first time

November- I started watching the expanse and it’s been fun to see luze’s excitement when I attempt to discuss it w them (also I’m not caught up yet I’m on 3x11 but the plan is to be caught up by the time 5x01 drops)

December- we are one day into the month so idk but I have been reluctant to use my pto at work so I guess the fact that I’m not gonna be working a full 40 hour week at all this month :)

tagging: everyone I’ve already tagged above, as well as @craashdowns, @claudia-kishi, @alexkamal if you want!! and anyone who sees this that wants to do it feel free to say I tagged you

[frenchibi]

3, 9, 19 and 22 pleeeeez

THANK U!!! I may have gone a little overboard answering these (sorry not sorry)

[End of the year asks]

3 Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Can I have… three? xD (Yes I can, to hell with the rules!!)

The Regrettes (they are SO FUN and I saw a concert in November that was AMAZING) - listen here!

Delta Rae (to be fair I knew one of their songs prior to this year, but then I delved further into their work and AAAAA they make such diverse music I LOVE IT) - listen here!

Dirt Poor Robins (listen. LISTEN. They make musical theater concept albums with a Tim Burton feel WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE) - listen here and here and  here! (can you tell i am obsessed with these)

((honorable mention, I got into Starkid musicals this year and I AM SCREAM))

9 Best month for you this year?

This is such a difficult question, because every month there were really cool things?? (This has been such a good year overall?? ALLOW ME TO GO OFF FOR A SEC)

((adding a cut because this got long I GOT EXCITED, my life is cool???))

In January I got to do a lot of skiing, I had a RAD new year’s party (mostly we played board games and it was exactly what I wanted), and I explored my city a lot? Also there were lots of cool new shows out to watch! AND I visited @notinvidia !!

In February I had a visit from this friend….. and he came to my choir concert at a massive fancy venue that we don’t often get to play………. and I took him skiing………………. OH WAIT THAT WAS YOU WASN’T IT :DDDD(also I was in a bit of an anime nostalgia phase and that was FUN)

March was my birthday (and I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH AAA I had such a lovely party!!!) and also a bit of a pokemon go revival phase (don’t @ me) and I went on a bunch of rly cool dates with some rly cool ladies!! Meeting new people takes a special kind of energy and I seemed to have a lot of that in March! Also, March marks the beginning of Strawberry Season and I was So Excited hafjkshfhasjkl

In April I got into starkid musicals and spent the rest of the month bingeing everything they’ve ever created - also I got back into painting and I was SO HAPPY to be creating in a medium I hadn’t stared down to death y’know? *glares at ao3 page* Also I still got some end-of-season skiing in, that was very cool!

In May I began to change my aesthetic/clothes a little and I am SO HAPPY with these changes?? Also, I went to London to see @books-and-trees and she showed me a lot of really cool queer places, lovely bookstores, AND she took me to see Les Mis live which has been a LIFELONG DREAM it was AWESOME!! ALSO I met Sandi Toksvig??? Which I still can’t quite believe?????

In June I went on a family vacation to Turkey and it was so fun?? Also I absolutely gorged myself on strawberries and figs (livin my best life tbh), I got back into lots of reading (which, YESSSS) and I finally found a shampoo to solve my hair problems?? It was a good month xD

In July I went to my city’s pride parade with my favorite people (AWESOME), I had a concert with the band I’m in (AWESOME), I allowed myself to go to my favorite art supply store and GO APESHIT (AWESOME), and also I had a brief visit from some dear friends from India!!!!! (AWESOME)!

In August, I attempted a competitive sports thing for the first time in years and I PASSED and was so proud?? Also I took my little sister on her first vacation without our parents (it was SO FUN) and I saw the musical Come From Away, a 100-minute show that had me full-on crying for 95 of those minutes. It was AMAZING. I also went hiking with friends, and I was really obsessed with hot chocolate this month? lmao

September was Friend Meeting Month!! Everyone seemed to be back in town (and by that I mean EVERYONE, I met with twelve friends I don’t often see? TWELVE??? Yeah), and also I was back to choir and band after the summer break, which always really excites me! ALSO, @annoyed-basically taught me how to cross-stitch!! I had a bit of an anxiety-high this month, but I worked it out with my therapist and it all turned out ok :D

In October - I had another band concert and a really cool writing workshop where I met some amazing women! I was also sick for three weeks (oof) but I did catch up on a lot of shows during that time (lmao) and I saw another choir in concert and really, really enjoyed it! Also, we had a Halloween game night with a spooky game and it was SO FUN!!! Also I looked up some really cool DIY stuff for christmas gifts and started CREATING things!!!

November held another trip to London - and this time I SAW HAMILTON!!!!!!!! And oh my GOD it was AMAZING?!?! (I also saw Matilda the Musical, which made me cry LOADS and was so nostalgic and WONDERFUL!) I went on a work trip with my mom, and treated myself to a massive (MASSIVE) plushie because I had a bad day - I also had a choir concert, received a lot of cool art supplies in the mail that I’d ordered months ago and forgotten about (lmao), and had some really really cool nights out with friends!!! I also bought a gorgeous vintage dress that I am incredibly excited about!! AND I went to the aforementioned Regrettes concert (They kicked ASS!!)! ….yeah I think November might be my favorite month, maybe??

December is not over yet, but it has been quite cool so far? Bit of a stressful time preparing for work things and getting gifts done, but I had another choir concert that was awesome, I’m gonna go to some Christmas markets and also I have a five day skiing vacation with my sister coming up, and another new year’s eve party that I’m organizing! Aaaa!!

In conclusion, I have been stressing about my life but ACTUALLY I am living the dream, pretty much?? dfhjklahsdfjk I had a really really good year and I was overdue for one, after the pits of despair that were 2016, 17 and 18 :’)))

19 What’re you excited about for next year?

I haven’t actually planned far ahead yet, beyond like… February? So I am excited for whatever 2020 holds beyond that? I’m sure I’ll manage to do some really, really cool things!!! So far I have a night at the opera planned with a friend (and I am so excited, I so rarely meet people who enjoy opera as well???), and also a trip to India to finally see @joanofarcticmonkeys again, AAAAA!!!!! I AM SCREAM!!!! Also I might get to meet more online friends next year??? Looking at u @floweringscrubs :D

22 Favorite place you visited this year?

I mean… I went to London a LOT (lmao) and I am obsessed with the musical theater scene there? With how every theater is individually decorated and designed and stuff?? Also I went to some really really cool bookshops… :D

Other places closer to home that will always stay favorites include the gorge I like to go hiking in, the art supply store, the bar I frequent with my friends, and the mountains for skiing!!

…ok i’m gonna shut up now lmfao thank you for asking tho and making me remember that I’ve had a REALLY COOL YEAR!!!!!