#i tend to be less judgy about this when it comes to other countries' food

[vashti-lives]

🔥

(topic: drink, or food, or both!)

oh boy. i have a big one! oof people aren't gonna like this.

right now american cooking is way too dependent on garlic. especially restaurants. i know all you garlic lovers out there are currently outraged but look! i do not actually think it is to your benefit! i am allergic to garlic and the amount of restaurants where i cannot eat anything on the menu but steak with no fixings unless someone alters the way they prepare food is ridiculous. and like, when it's an Indian place or something i get it! but when i go to a basic pub food style restaurant and cannot have a cheeseburger because the ground beef has a seasoning with garlic powder in it there is something wrong.

at very minimum their flavor palate is too narrow and frankly, when they've got garlic in the hamburger and garlic in the butter and mayo and garlic in all the dipping sauces and in all the salad dressings and the in the seasoning they put on the french fries i start to wonder... is it really that garlic is enhancing every one of these things? or is it that... they're trying to disguise lower quality ingredients with a strongly flavored additive so they can charge more?

and if you're not allergic to garlic you're never going to notice this but it's there! the amount of times i have asked if a cheeseburger has garlic, had a waiter look at me like i'm crazy and then come back five minutes later to tell me in a very baffled tone of voice that yes there is garlic in the cheeseburger is WILD. a cheeseburger is my baseline ask because 1) i like them and 2) if there's garlic in the burger there will be garlic in basically every other item on the menu except maybe like, sweet breakfast for dinner options like french toast.

it's notable that NEVER ONCE have i been told, oh there's garlic seasoning in the ground beef but we can just make it without. it's never happened. because these resturants are all buying pre-seasoned beef patties, probably because it's cheaper. if they weren't it would be super easy to make me a cheeseburger without garlic!

so yeah, i think A LOT of restaurants are tricking people into paying too much for cheap food by adding garlic where garlic doesn't need to be.

[sandyferal]

Vieratom and Monty Darklight. The main characters of a story I’ve been working on for many many years.

I know I’ve posted character stuff for Vieratom before, but I just keep working on this and I like to keep it together.

HUGE DUMP of story, character, and world building info beneath.

Vieratom is the first-born Princess of a world with absolutely no natural sunlight. The average life span is a few hundred human years. Each of their years is two human years. So what they’d call fifty years, we’d call one hundred. Many of the animals in this dimension are light sources, and most residential areas are lit up like crazy with artificial light. The crops don’t need sunlight. Even so, there are still seasons because somewhere in this dimension there is a place with sunlight and weather etc. that is tied to their world, but no one can reach it. People use magic, drawing from a underlying well of dark and light energy that exists throughout their dimension. The dark is by far more powerful, but is rarely used as much as the light. The dark energy is easier to access the less life you have in you.

Despite being the first-born Vieratom’s right to the throne is in question. Mostly due to the fact that she was perfectly healthy in the womb, yet was born dead, and came back to life an hour later. Ever since, she and the magic she holds have grown in an incredibly rapid and unhealthy way.

While her survival was at first seen as a miracle, two (four of our years) years later she was upstaged by the perfectly healthy and normal birth of her sister Monty. From the moment she was born, Monty was far more beloved by the kingdom. It was very likely that she would end up ruling the kingdom instead.

In this world, when one reaches adulthood, their parents give them gemstones to symbolize that they’re their own person. On her twentieth birthday (fortieth in terms of human years), Vieratom still failed to recieve anything from her parents. When her grandfather died shortly after, she stole his gemstones (he had his dead wife’s too) and kept one for herself.

This gemstone gave her the power to make anyone (who is attracted to women) attracted to her, to the point where they were basically mind controlled. It changed her body, making her less gaunt and giving her more curves. She uses this power to travel to another dimension and try to take it over.

The other gemstone she left to Monty, not knowing what it did. It gave Monty the power to make anyone (romantically interested in women) fall in love with her. She doesn’t use it much, as she doesn’t want or need to make people fall in love with her.

Basil is Monty’s childhood best friend. A gardener who helps grow food for the palace, and tends to the royal garden. Vieratom has had a crush on him since she was little. He knows this and has had to turn her down.

Violet is Basil’s girlfriend. She’s not royalty but she’s still pretty wealthy, and is very judgy. She and Vieratom get in fights a lot, but she’s not great at actually hurting her feelings, and at the end of the day will be able to sympathize with most people including Vieratom. Mad that she has weak magic (and practically no tits). Dates Basil mostly because he’s one of the only people who can stand her somewhat bitchy attitude. Not specifically because she’s sure she loves him.

Monty will eventually marry Basil, but despite this it’s unclear whether or not she has romantic feelings for him. They never date or court each other, their marriage is known to be an open relationship, and they have never said openly that they love each other. They have a child and they’re still both happy in their (possibly platonic) marriage. Monty is possibly aro, but could be pan, no one knows (harder to tell bc she’s definitely not ace).

Tentacles are something that all people in this world have. It’s how they channel their magic. They all start as black and plain at birth, but develop and change as each person grows. How many tentacles you can grow and how much slime they produce are indicators of magical strength.

Ten is the maximum amount the most powerful beings can grow. The average is 3-4 for women, 2 or 8 for men (who usually either have weak magic or overly powerful magic) and 5 for royalty.

When Vieratom died right after she was born, her tentacles lost the ability to change. They’re stagnant, still black, and the slime that they are covered in is an unhealthy yellowish-brown. They have the color and texture of tapioca pearls, yet are a bit firmer. Despite their inability to properly change however, they became unusually powerful as she grew older. She can sprout seven in total, and usually has one or two out at all times. They are each at least twice as powerful as one of her arms, and more powerful than her legs, as she often uses them to walk. She can also use them to open up dimensional portals (or more accurate, rip the fabric of her universe where it’s already been weakened).

Monty’s are pink. They have developed the ability to spray a strangely appealing fragrance. While most of her tentacles are covered in a healthy clear slime, tips are not slimy, but very sticky. This allows her to grab and attach her tentacles to objects and surfaces. Underneath the slime, they feel like Satin. She can grow five of them, an average amount for royalty. She has never tried to use them to walk on the ground, but she’s just strong enough to be able to use the to cling to the ceiling. She will sprout one or two for a few minutes or hours on a daily basis then retract them.

Violet’s are, well, violet. They are not slimy. They are just slightly damp like grass covered in dew. They feel like velvet, except for the tips, which look and feel like violets. They are filled with water, which can be sprayed out like a hose. The violet on the end changes with the seasons just like a real violet, though it never dies, and doesn’t require sunlight (like most plants in this world). The pollen acts a bit like real sperm, releasing during a climax, and contains eggs. She can grow two in total, a below-average amount, which she is self conscious about. They are a little weaker than her arms. They are almost never out.

Basil’s are grass green. The tips are yellow in summer, orange and red in fall, white in winter, and pink in spring. It feels both somewhat like a vine, and somewhat like a frog’s skin. It’s slightly slimy (like a frog), more so in fall and spring, less so in summer and winter. They can photosynthesis using any light source, not just the sun, and this will make it so they use less of his body’s energy, and even provide him some extra nutrients. He can grow two in total, and they are usually both out and active. They are always a bit stronger than his arms, but are weaker during summer and winter.

Tess lives in a different dimension than Vieratom. In Tess’s dimension, people live on isolated islands that don’t interact much. There’s not a lot of wars and countries, mostly states made up of small villages with many friendly rivalries. It’s always fall or spring, which means trees go from colorful leaves to blooming flowers. Pumpkins are the most popular crop and pumpkin spice is the most popular flavor. The days are longer and the nights shorter, and all people have either freckles or light to moderately brown skin from being in the sun so much (in fact those are the only two “races”). Many of the residents have physical traits similar to both dwarves and elves. This means that when it comes to things like body hair, size, and demeanor, they are often on either end of the spectrum, as opposed to being in the middle, despite the fact that they are all of the same species. They also have a lifespan lasting multiple centuries. However, time moves differently between their dimension and Vieratom’s.

Tess is genderfluid, and only a few years younger than Vieratom. He meets her when she comes to his dimension to take it over. He falls under the spell of her Gemstone instantly, and is brainwashed along with a good 60% of the population. Yet, even without the influence of the Gemstone, Tess adores Vieratom. He’s self aware enough to know that it’s not a good thing considering how violent she is, but he’s still hopelessly in love with her and will follow her to the ends of the Earth, or through different dimensions.

[hetaliashippingrecipes]

AUSTRIA/HUNGARY (Part One): Cherry Apple Strudel (Happy 150th)

Not straight from the

this is a horrible picture but it was midnight by the time I finished this and my dining room lighting is horrible

I’m not overinvested, your FACE is overinvested

Okay! So! Figuring out recipes for them is super tricky because, I mean, what makes it unique to the ship? They share so much food culture already. This and any other recipe one can come up with for both of them could easily belong to either of them individually. But, at least in my mind, I tend to associate apple strudel with Austria, and cherry strudel with Hungary. Both countries make both, but whatever, this is my brain. Hungary is also known for its sour cherries!

Note: I referenced several recipes for this, and I’m not 100% happy with the dough. This is only the second time I made strudel, and it was harder to work with this time around (by some miracle, I nailed the first one - I’m not even really a baker at all, so it was a pleasant surprise). So this recipe may be more of a guideline - if I make this again, and it comes out better, I’ll update. WARNING this is really image heavy.

Ingredients:

FILLING:

6 cups sliced apples (Granny Smith or Golden Delicious - more on this later) 1.5 cups sour cherries (WELL DRAINED if using jarred) 1 cup plain breadcrumbs 6 tbsp butter Lemon juice (half a lemon’s worth is fine, it’s just to keep the apples from browning) 1/4 tsp(?) of cinnamon (I think I used more - taste and check the balance to your liking!) 3/4 cup(?) granulated sugar (more or less, depending on the sweetness of your apples and cherries. Again, taste it to check!)

DOUGH** (again, I fucked up here, but this is what I started with):

2 cups all-purpose flour Pinch of salt 1 egg 100 ml lukewarm water (yes I just changed systems mid-post but most measuring cups have both cups and ml)

OTHER:

Melted butter Confectioner’s sugar A clean bedsheet (I’m serious)

Here’s everything except the eggs, butter and breadcrumbs, plus wine - the recipe in my “Imperial Recipes” cookbook I got in Prague had 2tbsp white wine in the dough. I was skeptical, it was the only recipe I saw that had it, so I ended up skipping it.

A NOTE ABOUT THE APPLES: I knew Granny Smith apples were supposed to be best for strudel because of the tartness (they also don’t disintegrate easily). But since I was using sour cherries, I was worried it would come out too tart. In the end, it was just fine, if not a bit too sweet. If you’re using jarred cherries, which have added sugar, you’ll probably be fine with Granny Smith - and you may want to lower the amount of granulated sugar to 1/2 cup instead of 3/4 cup. If you’re using fresh sour cherries, bless you for having the patience to pit them, and since there’s no added sugar, keep it at 3/4 cup and Golden Delicious is probably fine.

Also:

i care about these things. also it’s what i had in the house

STEP ONE: PREPARE THE FILLING

If you’re using jarred cherries, slice them, leave them in a bowl for a while, then leave them on a plate with a paper towel to dry. Slicing them will both ensure that there are no pits (see the picture!? it might still have pits even if it’s pitted!) and also that the texture is better with the apples. You do NOT want much of the syrup in this; it will create too much moisture and your strudel may burst while baking. (Spoilers: mine did anyway. So be careful. It still came out pretty well.)

Peel and slice your apples like this. For best results, have an inanimate object look judgy over your handiwork

After the cherries are well drained, combine in a bowl with the lemon juice, cinnamon, and sugar, and cover while you prepare your dough. This seems backwards but trust me - even more liquid will come out of this while it sits there. AND IT STILL BURST IN THE END.

STEP TWO: PREPARE BREADCRUMBS

Melt butter in a pan. Throw your breadcrumbs in. Toast until brown. Don’t burn. Set aside to cool.

STEP THREE: DOUGH

Combine flour, egg, and salt, and gradually add the water as you mix. Form it into a ball once it’s done. I didn’t get photos of this because you try holding your phone and doing it.

NOTE: I beat the egg well beforehand because some cute old lady on youtube with an incredible sturdy dough did. No other recipe I saw had it - many used a well, like when making pasta. This method may be better.

Here’s where my dough went weird: I noticed it looked too dry, so I added a tiny bit of water. Then I added a tiny bit of flour because it was too sticky. So I’m pretty sure my proportions were off. I should have been more patient with it - my guess is it would have been okay without anything extra if I just worked the dough more and trusted it. Also, I was approximating from a recipe that used grams, because I don’t have a scale. Bad idea. I’m going to buy a scale.

Knead the dough. You want to knead it a LOT. Science time: kneading activates the gluten which gives dough its elasticity. For something like pancakes, you don’t want to overmix because too much agitation activates the gluten too much and it can make them tough. But this is strudel - you’re going to be stretching the dough out a lot, and it should be paper-thin, and not tear. It’s going to need to be on the tough side. I had a video of myself doing a fun kneading technique but apparently you can’t directly upload and embed here (I’m not doing youtube)? So go to this video, which uses a different dough recipe which you may want to try (and canned whipped cream in the middle?! wtf), but the fun part starts at 5 minutes in:

Also, THAT VIENNESE ACCENT. If you ever wonder what Austria might sound like. I imagine something like this but 20 years younger and more oboe-like in timbre. Anyway.

Spread your clean sheet over the table, and flour it well. Roll out the dough first, then stretch using your fists (phrasing). I also could not get footage of this because I was working alone. Again, refer to the above video. THIS IS THE HARDEST STEP. Be patient, but also work quickly. Gravity is both your friend and your enemy here - you want gravity to do the work, but if you leave it for too long on your hand, it’ll tear the dough. You may end up with a few holes anyway - depending on how big they are, you can either leave them or patch them up. This is going to get several layers upon rolling, so it’ll be naturally patched up, but it’s thinner in those spots so you risk bursting. If you look closely you can see where I patched it up. You also want to cut away the thick edges, because they will make the strudel lumpy and weird. Brush the whole thing with butter. I almost forgot, which you can see in the pictures below.

Also, I did this sideways, because it was late and I remembered wrong. DON’T DO IT SIDEWAYS. Put the filling along the LONG edge, not the short one. I was so tired. However, if you know you have a small baking sheet, this may be better. It’s your call but it’s better to do it the long way...

Whatever, the breadcrumbs HAVE butter in them, right? Nah, don’t forget this step like I did. Butter it, spread the breadcrumbs, then put the filling over it. I used a slotted spoon because it was so damn soppy.

For the next step, which is The Moment Of Truth, also please refer to the above video, because again, YOU NEED TWO HANDS FOR THIS.

Yeah, so this was supposed to be rolled the other way, but what you do is pull the sheet up and flop it over on itself repeatedly, folding in the edges about halfway through like a gigantic egg roll or burrito. You can butter the top of the rolled part on each step, but I’m not sure how necessary it is because the other layer it’s touching is also buttered. I did it, because butter is great.

IF you do this the right way, you can place it on a baking sheet in stages and snake it, or a U shape like in the video. If you do it the wrong way or your baking sheet is small, roll it one more time onto the parchment, but butter the parchment first.

Brush the top with more melted butter. Don’t put One Coin figurines in the oven.

Bake at 375F for about an hour - it may need more.

And now for The Other Moment Of Truth:

So this is what happens when it bursts. But it’s nicely golden brown at least! Top it with sugar while it’s still warm, but let it rest for a half hour before you cut into it.

NOTE: This serves A LOT OF PEOPLE, but strudel freezes incredibly well, if it’s well-wrapped. I had strudel that was several years old and it was still pretty immaculate. I think it survives better months in the freezer than it does for a week in the fridge, because the fridge can make it soggy. Freezing it preserves the crispiness, and you can reheat it in the oven. Please don’t microwave it, you’ll make Oma cry.

Enjoy!!!