#i took wayy too many photos of him

[nucrests]

[takecareluv]

i’m projecting SO hard rn but i have a rq for you babe!! imagine ur hairdresser cutting ur hair WAYY too short for what u asked for and ur miserable and vinnie is there to be like! it’s okay! u look great☺️ LMFOAOA ty🫶🫶

a.n hi, my love! oh no, we’ve all been there... i’m assuming this is coming from personal experience so i just wanna say i’m sure you look absolutely beautiful babe, don’t doubt it for a second 🫶🏼 also i’m supposed to get a hair cut on thursday and this made me a little nervous ngl haha. anyway, hope you like this & makes you feel better! sending lots of love <33

bad haircut || vinnie hacker x reader

you made a beeline for your car, trying to avoid bumping into as many people as possible.

as soon as you were sat in the driver’s seat, you slammed the door shut and allowed all the tears you had been holding in for the last ten minutes come out.

what a mistake, you thought out loud.

earlier in the week, you were scrolling through instagram when you came across a local hair salon that had slowly becoming popular in your area. you stalked their entire page and were rather impressed with all of the photos they had posted of their client’s hair. not a bad photo in sight. you’d recently been in desperate need of a hair cut and figured why not go to them.

well, you thought wrong.

you knew you should’ve gotten out of there the second you walked in the place and they told you one of their newer hirees would be doing your hair.

now here you were crying the whole car ride home with the worst hair cut of your life. you didn’t even bother putting music on, that’s how upset you were.

in the back of your mind you knew you were probably being dramatic, but as of right now it felt like the end of the world.

once you reached the driveway of your home and came to a complete stop, you grabbed a sweatshirt from the backseat, slipping it on and pulling the hood over your head so no one could see the horrible hair cut.

before you got out, you took a quick glance in the mirror to check that no strands of hair were peaking out of the hood. you also made sure to wipe away any dried tears that had fallen to your cheeks so no one could tell you’d been crying.

but just with your luck, that was the first your boyfriend noticed.

“baby, what happened? are you okay?” he rushed over to you as soon as you entered your shared bedroom.

“yeah, i-i’m fine” you mumbled, trying to hold yourself together, although all you wanted to do was cry and rant about the stupid haircut that probably wouldn’t grow back for who knows how long.

but instead, you kept quiet in attempt to switch the subject.

however, vinnie would not budge, he needed to make sure you were okay. any other occasions you would’ve thought it was sweet, but right now you only wished he would let it go. “are you sure? it looks like you’ve been crying, love. you know you can tell me anything.”

as you thought about it more, you came to the realization that you wouldn’t be able to hide it forever. it would be hard wearing hoods for the next three or so months. meaning, much to your dismay, vinnie would eventually have to see your hair. why not rip that bandaid off now.

“so you know how i had that hair appointment today?” you waited for him to nod before you continued. “well she kind of messed it up… bad.” you sighed as you pulled the hood off your head, finally allowing him to see what had you so upset.

you grew more nervous at vinnie’s lack of response. oh my god, he must think i’m so ugly. he’s probably going to break up with me. i should’ve never gotten this hair cut. so many thoughts were racing through your mind as a single tear fell from your eye.

vinnie pulled you into his warm embrace. “oh baby, no don’t cry. you look beautiful. there’s nothing wrong with your hair. you look just as gorgeous as you did before, okay? you’re still the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen, you hear me?”

“really? you mean that?” you looked up at him with a pout.

“yes really, sweetheart. i would never lie to you. you are stunning. my pretty girl, always will be.”

you nuzzled your head further into his chest, now tearing up due to his sweet words. “i was so scared you would think i looked ugly and break up with.” you giggled slightly, realizing how absurd you actually sounded.

“what? baby, are you crazy? i could never break up with you. especially over a hair cut. i would be a complete dick if i did that.”

“now c’mon,” he continued, “let’s go cuddle and we can watch whatever movie you want and soon enough you’ll forget all about your hair cut. mkay, baby? how’s that sound?” he questioned, kissing to the top of your head.

“can we order milkshakes too?” you asked shyly.

“of course, sweet girl. anything you want.”

[katsuflossy]

Misguided Spark

Pairing: Kaminari Denki x black reader

TW: Suggestive themes, some obscenities, Becky

A/n: Why do I always get inspired by Tiktoks 😭😭 but anyways I’ve been giving Mr Bakugo wayy too much attention and neglecting our shocky boy Denki. So please enjoy!!! 💕

P.S. credit to my bb @iiminibattlehero for giving me a title when my brain was pooped😣

You’ve been with Denki for two years. After joining Uravity’s agency, you’ve met the bolt of lightning that struck through your beautiful black heart (this was after many failed pickup lines and one failed date that resulted in your favorite shirt getting seared off.) Denki did nothing to conceal you, in fact, he showed you off despite your protests; the few couples photos on his Instagram told the story of your love life—not secret but it’s none of your business. 

So why do his fans pair him up with every other hero?!

You would’ve understood if he was shipped with his friends and other heroes in the Big Leagues; your reputation being Uraraka’s sidekick had granted you some fame but you hadn’t reached the big pond yet. 

However, his mass of fans and reporters paired him with everyone under the sun—heroes and sidekicks alike—except you. Just last week Mina nearly choked out a reporter because he trailed her during her patrol, asking what she and Chargebolt did last night. Who knew a simple drink with close friends would spread like wildfire over the news. Oh, not to mention you were there too, holding Kaminari’s hand and laying your head on his shoulder. Your brown face and body had been cut out from every magazine seen the next day. The picture of Mina and Kaminari at an older drink night resurfaced on your timeline, showing Mina slapping his back as he choke-laughed on some beer. 

You didn’t tell Denki your insecurities about the whole world romanticizing him with other very pale—except for Mina’s case—heroes. You can picture his exact laugh, his hand falling on your cheek while affirming you had nothing to worry about. You’re his lovely lady forever and always. 

However, tonight was a different kind of irritation.

The bedroom finally fell quiet, your steamy session released the sexual tension during today’s joint practice. Kaminari’s eyes followed your heavenly molded ass all around the gym, and your own followed his nicely sculpted back when it was angled in your peripheral view. The deed was done now. Your finger made pointless drawings on his naked chest as you laid against his stomach, looking thoughtlessly up at him and his blonde glory. Two nude bodies curled against each other in comfortable silence.

At least that was the case until your phone pinged due to a notification. Your phone glowed the Twitter symbol, the only app you used to keep up with the hero scene and news. One glance at the title and you wished you had put your phone on Do Not Disturb.

Chargebolt's with a civilian fiancee?! Read more about the Electric hero dating top American chef, Becky Gudhear, and their secret relationship.

Your lips formed a scowl at the picture. The blond female chef was entering a car as Denki held her umbrella above her head, the rain clattering against the umbrella as he smiled at the lady. Only for you to remember the next two minutes after the photo was taken; Denki snatched you up, running through the rain as both screamed in delight. 

You shot up from his muscular chest, the middle of your brows creased and your brown thumb scrolled through the hashtags. Denki looked at you before going on his own phone.

Deku’s ratty shoes @noticemesemmpai: “I didn’t know Denki liked white girls *this goes completely with my fantasy*”

Ground zero’s harem girl @otakuforevaava: “Not him cheating on Mina.”

Ground zero’s harem girl #2 @lemmebiteacrumbofdatass: “@otakuforevaava Nah, he’s with Jiro. Did y’all not see when she gave him that hug?”

Your eyes darted from one ship to another, none ever mentioning you, before throwing your phone on the mattress. You swung your legs over the edge of the bed, removing yourself from its comfort to pace around the room in frustration. Denki cocked a brow at your strange behavior; you weren’t usually this upset and if you were, you’d simply just watch baby videos until you perked up. The screen glowed through the mattress despite being faced down, holding the secret of your furrowed eyebrows and sharp glare. He took up the phone, showing all the news outlets, fan mentions, and titles creating a relationship not with his black girlfriend but with some random lady that he helped out of the kindness of his heart. 

“Damn, they’re really going bonkers over this one act of kindness. Is Chivalry that dead?”

“As dead as their brains are.” You grumbled out, flopping back on to the edge of the bed.

“It’ll die out in a week. Give or take.” 

“Or not at all. They always come back when they spot you 6 feet from this lady, then resurface this same picture or even better crop me out and photoshop her in it!” Your outburst was met with silence and a wide-eyed, very concerned lighting wielder. 

“...but it’s cool tho.” 

“(Y/n)? Why didn’t you tell me this’d been hurting you?” Your gaze averted to your fingers, twiddling as your embarrassment heated your cheeks.

“I didn’t want to because I thought you’d think I was silly for thinking like that. Plus, I was the one that told you that being with a superhero like you will make me look like a whore trying to climb the ranks.”

“Silly? Baby, I nearly threw your teddy bear across the room because it was looking at your ass too much. If anything I’m the silly one.”

“You didn’t nearly throw Parker across the room, you did throw him across the room.” Two pairs of eyes went to the slumped bear at the opposite corner of the room. It’s patched tongue ratty due to the force it was a victim to.

“... And I’d do it again.” Your attempt to sigh only released the giggle in your throat as Denki continued.

“And baby? Fuck what these tabloids are saying. You’re a skillful fighter and Ochaco’s number one sidekick! If that isn’t a fine, brave, amazing woman then I don’t know what is.” Your body tingled in warmth, unable to hide the physical effects of his compliments as wrapped your arms around his neck, kissing him straight on his lips.

“Thank you Denki, I really needed to hear that.” 

“Oh, I’m not done yet.” He moved out of your embrace, kneeling to set his phone up on the bedside table. The lamp was used as support, showing the front camera the entirety of the room. 

“Denki? What are you doing?”

“Don’t worry doll, just sit there and look pretty.” He continued to tap against the screen before a familiar symbol popped up.

Tiktok, one of Denki’s favorite apps, met your eyes as it began to start up. Denki was one of the only pro heroes on Tiktok, which garnered him 5.5 million followers, and at least a million views each video he made. He swiped and scrolled until his eyes lighted up.

“Go put on my shirt. I don’t want them seeing any parts of you only for my pleasure.” You raised an eyebrow at the request but still complied. 

“Now come here, sexy.” Your footsteps hesitantly approached his side of the bed, unknowing about what scheme he made up in his brain. You stopped right where the camera couldn’t see you but you were too far for his liking, so he grabbed the plush of your thigh, pulling you close enough to bury his nose into your flesh. 

“That’s more like it. You ready?” 

“Denki I swear to God you better answer me. What are we doing—”

He tapped the screen, unaffected by your threat, and began to record. The beat was all too familiar before your eyes widened and your face erupted in heat. Sex Talk?!

“Aye uh...ahhh.” He wasted no time getting into character, sticking his tongue out as he winked at the camera. Your melanin-rich thigh stared back at you through the phone, making it known that the leg Denki held indeed belonged to a black person. His hand, under the shirt, kept firm on the back of your thigh to ensure that you stayed within the frame as he continued his Tiktok.

“Aye, bad bitch tastes like cherry kiwi, real big titties these double DDs.” He sings out the song, pointing to your very exposed thigh. Your face hot, the thought of this going online burned your face with not only embarrassment but also excitement. You buried your face in your hands as Denki skimmed your leg with his nose.

“Mwah…” He pressed his lips against your flesh, the epicenter sending tingling waves through your body as he looked straight up at you. His eyes twinkled with mischief as the sound ended. He grabbed the phone before you could reach it, hitting ‘post’ before you could snatch it out of his hand.

“Denki! Your PR manager is so going to kill me.” You scrolled through his phone frantically; it was already pinging with likes and comments from the video posted just 10 seconds ago.

He plucked the phone from your hands and placed it down on the table.

“Never mind that baby girl. The song said a bad bitch tastes like cherry kiwi and I suddenly forgot how that taste. Maybe I should sample you again…” Without ceasing he pressed his lips against yours, ready to start the night off again. 

(H/n)’s footstool @blackshipper: @theeofficialy/n this you? *Chargebolt’s new TikTok*

Chargebolt and (h/n) sittin in a tree @comegetyalljuice: I fucking knew it! (h/n)’s living our Chargebolt fantasy.

Stream Sex Talk by Megan @kpophoebutnotondalow: If your man ain’t kissing up your thigh like Chargebolt did with (h/n), is he even your man?

Mirko’s left rabbit foot @westanMirko: Guys, that’s not @theeofficialy/n, that’s Mirko duh…

You rolled your eyes at the tweet before scrolling through the rest of them. Denki’s chest raised and lowered as he looked through his own phone. Suddenly, you received an email notification. Your eyes widened as you read its body.

“Denki! Some talk show wants us to come in and talk about our relationship. They finally recognize that I’m your partner!” He craned his neck to face you, offering a smirk at your excitement.

“Good, that’ll show Parker who you’re real man is!” The teddy bear stayed in the corner it was thrown, now laying on its side, looking solemnly at the bed. 

“You’re annoying.”

“You still love me though.” A smile spanned your face as you inched closer to Denki’s. Your lips met his in a soft embrace before withdrawing. 

“Yeah, I do.”

[qyu-inactive]

My thoughts and feelings about Outtakes 13-15💛

@shhhlikeme i decided to make you a post about my thoughts and feelings about your new outtakes cos i definitely had wayy too many for an ask. Under the cut just because this became longgg.

I took so many screenshots while reading this so I wouldnt forget anything and just that these are my favourite parts as well 

Outtake 13

Okay this outtake was both amazing and gut wrenching. I loved getting to see Kenjis thoughts so much!! His and Aones friendship is so beautifully written in this story, I really appreciate how much detail you put into side charcaters. I see it a lot in shojou manga where the main girl just sometimes straight forget she friends at all because its a love story but the fact that Kenji has been a constant in the whole story is wonderful and I love it so much.

Of course as all good friends are he's angry at reader-chan for breaking Aones heart, but like if anyone yelled at me like that I would crying straight away. Reader-chan is a lot stronger then I am to hold it in as well as she did. When he said/thought "And it was all your fault" that hurt

OKAY BUT AONE PROTECTING READER-CHAN, I LOVE IT SO MUCH. AONE CAN BE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR🥺

Outtake 14

This outtake was great, im glad things started to look up and brighter. I love how you used K_nji 😂😂 its so perfect to describe the duo together. I swear tho there are so many boys with similar firsr names in haikyuu, we've got Kenji, Kanji and Keiji. Im glad they mostly go by last names, even tho there are similar last names: Wahio and Washijo, Ojiro and Ohira.

I do lile that k_nji's are trying to help him actually get over reader-chan for the time being. Deleting photos and changing wallpapers. I really really liked Aone and Kenji having their silent conversation and Kanji just being the loud and doesn't know when to be quiet boy he is

When Aone asked  “…….You know how to make the pain……stop? I broke, this poor mountain man needs a hug and to mend his broken heart🥺

Your gifs are always amazing and I love what they add to the story but the mean girls one. Kogane was gonna die if he said anything more in that situation 😂😂😂

Step 4 🍆 i don't know what I was expecting when I saw the title but this whole section was a whole lot of kogane needing to learn subtly and how to read the room and a reminder of simpler days when Aone would just tell Kenji about his wet dreams😔

BUT THIS BIG DUMB BOY KOGANE COMING IN WITH THE "OH BUT YOUVE SEEN HER NAKED THO SHES HOT AS FUCK" (obviously my own paraphrasing😂😂) I was ready to slap this boy though the screen.

Outtake 15

Okay finally at the last part, finally a part thats looking up for our losty couple. Thinking about them being in university and still heart broken hurts😭 but the magic of coincidence and now Aone and Reader-chan have to work on an assignment together.

When reader-chan said she'd also been crying every night since the breakup, that really hurt. Knowing both of them are sharing the same hurt but dealing with it separately is jusy like your twisting my heart on purpose.

And that Aone ans Reader-chans backgrounds were the matching 😭😭

Okay but like I'd be checking out Aone too if he was in my class😋 when he wanted to consesnsually bend reader-chan over the desk and more. First we stan a man who respects consent but also wants to satisfy you so bad. Second these two better get back together soon so there won't be sad tears, just years of pleasure💦

The post nut clarity😂😂😂😂 I'm glad Aone cleared his mind a bit but the dead squirrel thing. I would be turned off for hours after seeing pictures of dead squirrels😰

"allow me tell you both about my plan to…. to get the girl of my dreams back.” YES YES YES THE WAY I SCREAMED WHEN I READ THIS. YOU GO GET YOUR GIRL BACK AONE, SHOW KENJI LOVE IS WORTH IT.

Okay these are all my thoughts, I'm sorry that this is so long omg. You blessed us three amazing cheaters today tho and I couldn't hold it in. I really can't wait till the next chapters💛 also remember about kenji's over life if we will ever see that bloom, maybe he'll be inspired to take a leap of faith. Obviously I understand you've got uni so take your time!!

[misfit-among-the-angels]

It’s been a few days since I saw Edguy in Berlin and well, post concert depression is killing me big time. Anyways, I’m just gonna share my wonderful memories of the concert, because it was an amazing experience!

This time we (me and my best friend) were at the concert place 3hrs before the door opens and there already were some people,tho not much. We joked,talked n stuff through these three hours but gods, time went way to slowly and knowing that I’m not a patient person it was an agony to wait that much, especially the last hour before the door opens. We were planning to end up in the first row somewhere between the middle and right side, but it turn out kinda opposite. The first row was wayy smaller and I was damn lucky to take place on the left side of the stage IN THE FIRST ROW!!! And my best friend was right behind me. Like my other friend said, gods granted me the first row this time because of my b-day, lol. It’s a bit sad that we could get any merch, so we just waited for the opening band - The Unity. Actually we got trolled a bit because just before The unity went on stage they played The Trololo song and I was like THE FUCK?! but it was pretty funny. They actually were pretty amazing and since I knew their songs I was singing along. But there was one little problem, something was wrong with mic because we could barely hear the vocals. But all in all it was good, I was noticed by vocalist and guitarists few times, so I was happy! :D (here you so some pics since I can’t upload vids..)

Also I met the vocalist, but I will talk about it later. Also I forgot to mention that we had Lithuanian flag ‘cause you know why not :D I couldn’t stand in one place because I knew that in just few minutes I’ll be seeing Edguy with my own eyes. As always Felix was the first one to come out and I swear my heart skipped a beat when I heard the first lines of Mysteria and when everyone (including me) said them aloud. And then the best moments of my life started. Other guys came out and at first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, especially when I saw Tobi. Love tiger was the first song, I was jumping and screaming the lyrics annnnd then there it was, the very first eye contact with Tobi (I had plenty of them during the show). I made sure to take as much pictures and film as much vids as I can of Jens because @karolinametalrock couldn’t be with us and she’s THE BIG Jens fan. I can’t post vids here so I will do it on IG. Anyways, the second song was Vain glory opera and gods that solo by Jens took me to another dimension!

A post shared by Miss Nightmare (@my.own.chaos) on Oct 1, 2017 at 1:12pm PDT

Tbh I would lie if I’d say that I wasn’t having an eye contact with Tobi in every song, because I WAS. I mean most of the time I was staring at him, so you know :D Of course I had an eye contacts with other guys too and this is amazing!

I think this one was taken during Mysteria, but I’m not sure. I think by the third or fourth song I was out of breath, but nevertheless I headbanged, screamed as loud as I could and in general was partying. Land of the miracle form now on will hold a special place in my heart since it was one of those songs where I got super emotional. Also I was filming one part of the song and Tobi look right at me and even kinda pointed at me!!! And I’ve got it all in the little vid!! And then there was a song that I was waiting to hear for soooo long, Lavatory love machine. I found a vid of it!

I was a little bit disappointed that Tobi didn’t do anything dirty, you know he loves to do some of that stuff during this song. He talked in German a lot. I could understand few words here and there, but tbh I wasn’t really trying. I was just looking at him. Also speaking about him, all the photos that i took of him where kinda fucked, I guess it is my phone’s fault. And this one is probably the best result that I’ve got. I know the picture isn’t good, but gods, look at Tobi’s legs ugh ♥ Okay, I’ll stop right here before it’s too late, lol.

The piper never dies was the longest song on the set but HOLY SHIT it was GOOD!!! And as always idk how it happens but it seemed that the song wasn’t long, it seemed that they played the song in like 5 minutes. And there was Tears of a Mandrake. And I have to say that the audience was one of the loudest even tho Tobi said that in this tour it is the smallest audience, but we were loud AF! I’m just gonna show you some more pics before talking about the rest of the concert.

Idk if this was true, but in the pic it seems that Jens is looking at me.

Felix had his few minutes of “fame” too :D Drum solo with a little surpirse - Game of thrones theme song. That was unexpected tbh, but I’m not complaining since I like GoT. I just wonder who from Edguy watches it too, lol Here is my vid of it (GoT part is not included tho)

A post shared by Miss Nightmare (@my.own.chaos) on Sep 28, 2017 at 3:50pm PDT

Ministry of saints was the song where I lost my shit :D During the chorus I was jumping and screaming the lyrics even tho I was out of breath and also it was so hot but I didn’t care, lol. And of course Tobi noticed me. Somehow I didn’t cry during Save me, but I was close to that.And hey, there is another vid that I found. What I noticed only now is that Tobi was looking more at our side and you can even see him looking at me since I was standing right beside the person who filmed this

Then was Out of control and again I was filming and Tobi literally looked right at me. I wasn’t looking though my phone so I was more than aware of this. Then there was Babylon. I mostly headbanged during this. Actually Tobi talked a lot in German, he told some jokes and I’m sad that I wasn’t able to understand them… Then was Encore and I realized that the concert is getting to an end and I was like NOOOO i DON’T WANT THIS PERFECT NIGHT TO END!!! The last ones were Superheros and King of fools. During the end of King of fools I showed horns to tobi (you know when you take your fingers to your head and show horns, lol) and he pointed at me!! Here’s the video

I spend my last energy and last screams on these two and then it was over…

I was really close of catching a pick, but my best friend got more lucky, he caught Dirk’s pick. During the concert I met another fan, so after a concert we talked to her. When I was siting outside and waiting for my best friend I actually cried (also I cried on the bus on my way back to Lithuania. Post concert depression..)

I’ve mentioned that I met few members of Edguy, so this is how it happened. I already had this idea to at least try and wait for band to come out. There was one interesting and kinda sad thing. Tobi took a taxi because according to the manager he was feeling unwell, but a band has a bus, so where was Tobi going?  I was pretty sad because meeting Tobi was and still is one of my biggest dreams (at least now i can say that my soul mate knows about my existence so mission complete lol), but we asked manager if others could maybe come out and say hi. At this time were were only 4 people. And luckily for us Dirk was the first to come out. He was so nice and he actually asked us how many kilometers we had to travel to see Edguy and when I said it was about 1200km he was like wow :D Then after few minutes Felix came to say hi. I also hugged him!!! His hug was strong, I like that omg and the last one was Eggi with The unity vocalist. Jens couldn’t come out because he was already asleep. So here are some photos, pardon my looks because you know I was indeed after a concert so. Also the middle picture is with me, my best friend and Dirk.

This concert was THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT for me. I still can’t believe that I met those guys and talked to them, I can’t believe that Tobi indeed acknowledged my existence. Of course it will be next time and hopefully then I’ll be able to meet Jens and Tobi

[be-awake]

A&B

Looking back at everything, over the years I've known him and the years he has stolen my heart and soul. We used to talk, alot , and anyway we possibly could. We had this problem though of running away from one another when one of us would get too close to the other. We have been so destroyed by other humans who have claimed to love us ,and with that painful break we learned how to run away as fast as we could if anyone no matter who it was, once they got that close to us we ran fast and hard to get away. Also over the years, we got closer, became better friends, best friends. We listened to one another better, stood up for each other no matter what it was that they did wrong or good to someone we always stuck up for each other and we did it from more than 1,000 miles+ apart or just a few minutes drive down the street. We gave our friendship our all. We gave each other a love that not even us understood. However once that closeness came even between us we still ran, no matter how painful it was, we still ran. The silence over 2 1/2 years was hard. Life changed alot for the two of us in our separate lives.My mind would constantly wonder and think about him. The thought ran through my mind, down to my heart , then exploded into my soul. My love for this human, this wonderful man, my best friend was so intense I could feel his energy. It freaked me out because I could only feel him when we lived in the same state. However, to my knowledge he lived in many states across the U.S from Utah. Well turns out I was very wrong, and my soul was right. He was home. I can't remember who contacted whom first, or how we contacted one another, but it was like clock work. I felt his energy and it was not even a day, more like hours and we were talking like he had never left. Back to where we left off.. except he was committed.  Just my luck right?! Broke me so bad, but I stayed. I missed my friend. It was so nice to wander the city and take photos of whatever. Just being with him was all I honestly cared about. Hearing him talk, sing, watching him be a complete goofball was wonderful. For how empty I felt before that day from my divorce , was so dark and depressing. He lit up my life, my heart, my soul once again. It was so nice to be happy, to be light on my feet. It was the most unexplainable feeling I've ever had to just have my best friend back. Then I found out he was engaged to this girl. I swallowed my pride, I was happy for him that he was for once happy and going to settle down. That didn't last long. As we know, a few months passed by and we started talking again and this time we got pretty damn close, and not just friends either. We fell for each other hard.  Again.  But neither one of us was willing to run. After a few amazing months, I'm unclear of what all happened or why we stopped talking. We didn't run, we just faded. 

      It was strange.

                                   We had very little contact from October 2017 to  September of last year, 2019, Then either the day before or after or even on Thanksgiving he had me come over. He was drunk as he tended to be from time to time. He and I talked, we cuddled and one thing led to another. 

                    ....Breath...

 I remember waking up next to him; Best warm fuzziest ever. The ones he makes me feel are out of this world, no way to explain them because you can't. It's just love honestly.  Our bodies entangled together. His skin was like magic to me. I've never experienced bliss before until this moment. Sense then we have been inseparable, until well after my birthday in April this year things drastically changed. He was doing something more positive for himself to better his health. So from April 15,2020  today, May 23, 2020,  it has been hard for me and possibly him as well. I just don't know because he doesn't talk to me much anymore, even when I'm sitting next to him. We hardly talk, touch, look at each other, goof off, kiss, make love/have sex, hug, hold hands. Kisses on the forehead have stopped, texting slowed wayy the fuck down, open communication came to a halt; which was weird cuz he and I a few days before my birthday talked about how happy we were that we could come together sit down and talk about anything and everything no matter what it was about. He and I could talk about it, work through it and get through anything. Now... With all this change, he doesn't talk about anything hardly ever. He avoids me when I bring up things that bother me, doesn't answer any real serious question I ask or text him about. He hardly is exciting to have me come over when we couldn't wait for our weekends or our Tuesday nights for our time together. I feel like I bug him even when he says I don't bother him. His body language says so differently. So I'll stay from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon then I  go home. When I would get to him the first thing always was a kiss and hug hello. Come Monday it was always a hug and kiss goodbye however we never wanted to let go, or have me go home. He used to tell me that I was home so I didn't need to go home. His home was my home and he wanted to keep it that way because he hated how he felt when I wasn't there with him. Now; I go over there and no hug, no kiss just a hi how are you? That's it. No excited ness in his voice. He now asks me when I think I'm going home. Or how long I'm staying this time.. we hardly ever shower together, craft together. However , we have had a few nights by the fire but with like 5 to 10 feet between us. The silence that I could hear past the fire crackling and making its own little firework show, was painful. I sat by myself hardly on my phone. While he was always checking his phone or playing a game as he sat farway but next to me while I stared and watched the fire. I thought my heart breaking deafening, I was wrong. To me he didn't notice, he didn't care. Because even if he couldn't hear it, anyone who is connected to any human like he and I are.  You would feel it, you could see it. Yet he said nothing nor did he ask. Once we went inside he was quick to go take a warm bath upstairs which I can't ever join him...ever.  I don't take baths at home cuz my tub is tiny and it doesn't stay warm for nothing. However he and I used to love taking baths together all the time. Shit I remember one time tell him no it was okay that's just he goes to take one and I'd wait for him. He looked at me with the most shocked face, grabbed my wrist to pull me closer to him. He grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder and took me into the bathroom, locked the door and told me I was going to take a cuddle bath with him because that's what we do. I laughed so hard just because of how he said it. Mind you this man, this human, I would move mountains for. He is the first person I have ever had in my life who accepted me 2000% and I accepted him 2000% flaws and all.  Anyhow back to where I was; We cuddle like maybe 10% of the time when we sleep. Before we always made sure that even if we couldn't cuddle some part of our body or skin was touching the whole night. Most nights he either had me pulled so close into his body with his arms wrapped around me, not letting go. Or I held him so close into me and my arms wrapped so tight around him. 

 It's rare that this happens anymore.

......breath.....

 I feel so broken; like it's my fault.  anytime I bring it up or ask about us and what is kinda eating at my brain.. he says we are good and that he loves me . So things have changed. I just think he lost the spark he used to get with me. What changed everything, was he decided to make a change for his health and stopped drinking and smoking. He has over a month sober from drinking and about 3 weeks of no smoking. I couldn't be more proud of him. He was so unsure if he could do it again. He has blown me away with how much he has been working out. We go on walks that aren't very talkative and silent. He is just less interested in us. In me. I feel like because if you were in my shoes..how would you feel with such a drastic change? However he still has his moments that last a few minutes to maybe a few hours and only for one day possibly two; if I'm lucky but never the whole time I'm there like it used to be, then back to what he is doing. He has these raspberry moments, like the raspberry you give people on their tummies to tickle them. Well I'm a very ticklish person, he does this and doesn't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't breath, due to my laughter, we are having a blast. I can't complain because I've missed this terribly. Then he stops, then it goes silent again in the room around js.. Also mind you we haven't really kissed or made love in over a month. He says it's his antidepressants which it very much could be and he has told me that. However with everything else I feel like I'm not enough. That I'm not what he wants anymore. Oh side note I gave him a ring that means alot to me because it is a ring that I designed for him years ago when we first got together. I was planning on breaking the rules . Before he moved years ago I was going to ask him to marry me. Well, when he found the box in my room, he opened it and looked at it. Asking me who it was and if it was my ex husband. I told him it was what I had made for you. He was shocked, and put it on. We exchanged small vows, and it was just us, because that all we needed was us. No paperwork because you don't need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love someone. 

He used to wear his ring  all the time, every day 24/7, he never claimed that the ring bugged him either. Now, he hardly wears it . Complains that it bugs him because he normally doesn't wear any jewelry except his Celtic cross; which we both have one. I fell in love with it, and copied him. If I remember correctly he gave me mine after we were together for 4 or 6  months but I am not forsure on that.So I feel awful that I did this a few weeks ago...

 I took his ring one day to see if he would notice at all. He didn't. I was fucking broken. One weekend I was over there after having his ring all week, and him unaware that I took it. He showered, then got dressed and asked if I had seen his ring? I played dumb and told him no. He started to panic a little, continuing looking for it, as he was looking he told me how he took it off this morning to do yoga because he got all sweaty and he didn't want to loose it; mind you I wasn't there this morning when he did yoga, I got there in the late afternoon. So him telling me this, I thought well fuck maybe he may really want to wear it this time, I was excited about this thought.  I told him I'd look in his closet because maybe it was on his dresser in there. Also side note his ring was in my pocket this whole time as he is sitting there looking for his ring and lying to me.  So I walk into his closet, pretend to find it. He walked over so quickly. Hugged me kissed my forehead and said he loved me and didn't know what he would have done if he lost that ring because it means everything to him. At this point I feel like it doesn't mean anything to him. He didn't worry about it till after I was there a couple of hours and also didn't notice it wasn't there for a whole week.  Next time I took it,it was on his bookshelf, it had been for a few days. I was struggling so I wore it to feel him.. his love, his energy. I forgot I was wearing it and went home with it on. Few days passed, I was getting ready to head over to his house and I told him how I had his ring, and also why I had it. Again his ring was missing, The ring he loved so much and felt empty when he didn't have it on. Well again, I had it he didn't know until I told him I had it because I forgot I wore it when I was depressed and couldn't get out of a very dark place.. Not once did he ask if I had seen it or anything.. sure tells me alot when he didn't worry about it for a week or a little bit longer than a week. The next day he and his mom went out thrift shopping. I chose not to go because of the current state my mind was in. While they were gone I decided to place his ring on his speaker, right by his side of his bed. When he returned home I was gardening with his dad outside. Once we both went back down to his room, he noticed his ring . He thanked me for giving it back. Then in the next ten minutes it wasn't on the speaker anymore, the whole weekend I looked to see if he was wearing it, he wasn't, and he still isn't. So where it disappeared to is beyond me. Also he doesn't send me funny, cute,sexy photos of himself at all anymore. We used to send them to each other all the time. Sadly I've stopped sorta because I get responses like "having fun?" Or no response at all... NVM I've written a lot and I have 1 follower. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I honestly have no one to vent this to. He said I can always vent to him, and I've tried with this before but I guess it's all in my head because he won't ever really talk about it or answer anything anymore... It honestly ripped my heart out, tearing my soul to tiny bits. He doesn't see all this, that I'm going through or experiencing and it's like he doesn't care. I just need reassuring that this isn't all in my head and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He also is avoiding me when I ask if I can come over or when I can see him next. This has been the first week like a full week that we haven't seen each other. He hardly texts or calls or responds to my texts and it kills me. It kills me to think that he is done. But treating someone like this and how it makes me feel is uncalled for, also unnecessary to do to someone who you love mind, heart and soul. It fucks a human up. Drives them insane. But what do I do if I am wrong? What if this is all in my head and things are only going this way because I'm projecting them? I honestly need someone to see this, a stranger, a human, alien, anybody. I need an answer to this issue that I'm experiencing. I need a human to talk to that isn't scared to talk to me like I feel like he is. I can't take this. I need to know if I am projecting and fucking shit up or if he really doesn't give a shit and doesn't love me but doesn't have the balls to tell me and end it.

I hate saying let alone think that.

Thank you for hearing me vent and what not. I just need someone, anyone. So I'm begging anyone, I wouldn't care if he stumbled upon this himself and read it. Maybe if I was lucky he would respond to it, to prove to me that I'm projecting and to knock this shit off because he truly loves me . If he does find this and read it I hope he proves to me that he loves me and cares because my brain is evil all the time and I've just needed an amazing hug and one life changing kiss like he used to give me daily. I don't want to lose him. I love him with everything I am. I just can't handle this pain. 

P.S. 

B- I love you with everything I am. I want this to work. I can't be silent. I hope this gets your attention finally because I can't keep ignoring this, whether it's just my evil brain projecting or if you're really done. I need to know please because it's breaking everything I am. I love you. Forever and a day. Always. Xoxo A