#i want to bible bonk him so fucking bad

[nerdragenewvegas]

me, pre Fallout, never having really seen anything with Goggins in it: ehhh he's hot when he's a ghoul but I don't know if he's my cup of tea otherwise me, a month deep in whore-prison with the other ghoulie girlies: I want this weird cryptid ass looking tv evangelist so fucking bad I cannot actually verbalise it, but what I can tell you is that it is something so deep and primal and ancient that I could stand before Cleopatra and attempt to explain myself, and despite us sharing no common tongue, she would understand me.

EDIT: Oh no i got up to the part where it's a flashback and he's a hot uncle and i am literally at critical mass what the fuck

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - s3e6: hercules unwound

yeah it’s season three now. sorry. season 1 had sixty five episodes in it and season 2 had..... four. i don’t understand it either. but none of those episodes had mice, so i guess we’re here now!! (if i’m wrong, and they did have mice, feel free to get back to me, but i definitely didn’t see any mice on the wikipedia page.)

episode summary: inexplicably existing in ancient greece, the boys plan to steal zeus’ lightning bolt. which is the source of his powers, i guess? i don’t know. this episode makes no sense.

the rundown:

so here’s the thing.

they introduce ancient greece.

they introduce hercules.

they establish he’s a crybaby who has twelve (12) chores to do today, which... seems like an excessive amount of chores, sure, but he’s literally just rolling around on the floor and having a tantrum about it.

zeus gets pissed off and electrocutes him.

and then the warners show up. “i’m lost,” says wakko, “is that our cue?” they have no idea. they’re confused. i’m confused. this short has gone in like eight different directions since it started.

still, they potter down to where hercules is crying, introduce themselves (left; yakkoles, right; wakkonemnon)

(above, the goddess of cuteness, aphrodottie.)

and then dot goes and lays on the floor and decides she doesn’t want to do it.

“you wanna just skip this cartoon?”

“yeah.”

“alright, see ya, pal.”

and off they go, i guess.

that’s.... as accurately as i can summarise it. none of what happens there has anything to do with the mice or the future plot, so i’m just gonna skip past it, if that’s okay.

poor hercules. having to clean out the stables all by his lonesome.

meanwhile, after a sudden jumpcut, we see aristotle desperately trying to teach his class the source of zeus’ powers. it’s the lightning bolt, you goofs! the lightning bolt equals unlimited power!

none of them care.

good thing someone does! so we can get the review started already, christ. this is how they’re arranged at first, but it’s only for a couple of frames, so i’m highlighting it because it’s very funny! and also very easy to miss.

“we, pinkus, shall steal zeus’ lightning bolt, overthrow the kingdom, and

TAKE OVER THE WORLD.” good thing they managed to squeeze another closeup in there, huh. just can’t have an episode without them.

“but how do we get to the tippy-top of mount olympus, where zeus lives?”

“i have that figured out, pinkus. behold, across the street, the agean stables, where legendary, famed and godlike horse pegasus spends the day.”

calm down, brain. jesus. i thought pinky was the one with the Horse Thing. brain goes onto explain that every night, pegasus flies back to mount olympus,

okay.

and they’re just gonna hitch a ride. climb on his back without him noticing. steal the minivan, except the minivan is a flying horse.

so off they go to do that, i guess!

it immediately cuts to them being chased by cerberus, with a “run, pinky, run!” from brain, which is cute. his name is pinkus, in this interation, but brain calls him pinky for short. did the writers intend that to be cute? probably not. do i find it cute? absolutely.

it’s very peatb-esque. still, they outrun it eventually.

“in future, pinkus, let sleeping guard dogs lie. especially when one has three heads.”

“funny. the middle head seemed so friendly.”

honestly? the animation here is cute. and it kind of sucks that they gave the good animators whatever this episode is. is there something i’m not understanding? it’s just been completely threadbare random throughout. they always seem to give the good episodes to the guys who draw them weird. it’s upsetting.

but the stables are there, so off they go.

so while hercules cleans out the stable and whines about it,

medusa gives pegasus a makeover. she is just dying to braid his tail, for no extra charge. this would probably be a lot funnier if i knew who they were trying to make fun of, here? but it’s all good. (that’s one of the problems i have with this show, sadly. all these celebrities stopped being quite so famous literally before i was born. hoo hoo. i’m sure there are like, 30-40 year olds who appreciate the humour far more than i do.)

the mice have found their target. soon, they will strike.

“there he is, pinkus. in all his wing-ed glory.” he puts the stress on the “ed” and it’s uncomfortable. nobody says words like that, brain! or i guess he does? whatever.

so they climb this conveniently placed shovel, ready to jump right on! because, yknow, it’s right there.

except hercules decides that, yknow, he needs a bigger shovel to... clean out the stables with, and--

look. guys?

i have so much anxiety, okay? real talk for a sec. you see my head? nothing up there makes sense. this is why i run a cartoon mouse blog. one of the ways that manifests is in incredibly nervous coprophobia. i don’t like to talk about it. it makes things difficult for me. this episode makes things difficult for me. i barely made it through the stupid... garden of mindy. you don’t want to see this, i don’t want to see this, i do not want my comfort characters to have to deal with this, and i do not want to put myself through the heart attack of trying to transcribe it like the... bad children’s tv jokes bible. okay? i’m skipping this section because it doesn’t add anything and i’ve had enough.

hercules uses the shovel. the mice get dirty. presumably, between scenes, they go take a bath. let’s just say that happens. whatever. cartoon logic.

but nobody takes a bath without hercules’ sayso, so he decides to beat them to death. this is just the first frame i skipped to. i assume this is what’s happening.

i’m not enjoying this episode.

homeboy decimates a wheelbarrow. it has good faces, i’ll give it that. this episode has good faces. is it wang? why on earth would they give wang this bollocks.

“be gone, manure sprites!”

yeet.

thankfully there’s nothing weird in this barrel. it’s whatever medusa was doing pegasus’ pedicure with. dish washing liquid, i think? whatever that means. i’ll be honest, too many gross things have happened in this episode and i’m not sure i could handle anything e--

ah.

what.

thankfully, pegasus decides this is a good time to get the fuck out of dodge.

the mice agree.

hercules grabs bucket girl and also gets out of dodge.

that was weird and random and not needed.

but like, it’s fine. it’s good. they’re on the horse. the horse is flying directly towards mount olympus. yknow. it worked out.

conclusion:

as zeus mopes about his son’s work ethic, the mice get on with their own, tiny mouse jobs.

“upon that table, pinkus, is zeus’ mighty lightning bolt.”

“gee, i hope he has it charged up.”

with a LIGHTNING CABLE!! hoo hoo. hee. those were definitely not a thing when this came out.

brain doesn’t find it quite so funny, sadly, but he chooses to ignore it in favour of hustling his little mouse ass onto the table.

“all power is ours, pinkus. now to-- take over the world...”

bonk.

this is not the first time this has happened. (or maybe it is? chronologically? who knows.)

but oh no! zeus looks through his big old zeus telescope that he has and works out that the stables are worse than ever, actually, and hercules has no intention of cleaning them.

he’s off having a coffee break with medusa! typical. time to electrocute him.

so zeus reaches for his trusty lightning bolt.

pinky’s so chill about this. he’s just vibin.

yeet.

he just straight up throws the whole thing. does it respawn? y’all. i don’t get it.

“i sense the pivotal moment of failure quickly approaches.”

unfortunately - or perhaps it is forunate, depending on how you look at it - zeus just straight up misses.

the mice rebound.

aaaaand that can’t be good.

sploosh.

of course, whether or not this was zeus’ intention, the upshot is that the stables are nice and clean, finally.

so hopefully we never ever have to go through that again.

on the downside, the mice did drown, so i guess that’s the end of this blog.

brain: 3 ½ pinky: 5 ½ outside influence: 8

“as your reward, you get to marry a goddess.”

“the goddess of love? the goddess of beauty?”

“no!”

“the goddess of cuteness, aphrodottie.”

(so we iris out on child marriage. goodnight, everybody.)