#i want to draw pride art but this class is kicking my health's ass

[theduckboy]

hi happy pride 🏳️‍🌈 (dc fan pride month starts a day early because we are cool 👍). i look away for like a month and the miguel o'hara spider-man tag turns into 90% reader fanfiction posts. What is happening dude

[tavarillasgalen]

2017

The year of recovery.

Another year of doing things I’d always wanted to, right from the very start. My first New Year’s party. I rung in 2017 with my first New Year’s kiss. I went to see the ice castles. I officially dropped out of my sorority. I got out of a toxic living situation and moved into my own studio apartment and got my first taste of truly living alone. I quite like it. I got to really experiment in the kitchen for the first time and came up with some dishes I love. I got to decorate, a bit, grocery shop, all of that. It was a dimly lit apartment, but it was a space all mine. 

I went to the Vagina Monologues at Westmini and performed in the one at the U. I conquered my fear of my roommate and didn’t let her presence keep me from performing. And I was good. I was really good.

My boyfriend and I celebrated 1 year of being together and Valentine’s by going out to a fancy restaurant. The bf and I went to the ballet and got insanely good seats. $100 seats for the student price of $15? yes please. We went on a little picnic and then to Benihana for his 21st. We went to the Holi festival. We celebrated his first publication. We went to a Cold War Kids concert. We went to an art show he had pieces in. We went to another art show a mutual friend have pieces in.We went to the Tulip Festival. We went to an underground hotspring at the Homestead Crater with some Westminster friends and all got dinner at Red Rock after. We went out a few times with his friends. We went to my first Pride. We went to a baseball game and mercilessly made fun of the teams the whole time. I celebrated Eid with his family and their Bosnian Muslim community. We went to the Red Butte Gardens. We went paddleboarding/kayaking for the first time. We went to the State Fair and got the ice cream that makes you look like a dragon. We went to see bell hooks talk at UVU and then later to a MUSE concert. We went axe-throwing (he kicked my ass). We went to Antelope Island and got caught in the middle of a giant herd of bison. We went to a Halloween party hosted by the couple who’s wedding we went to last year. So many cute little dates all throughout the year - to the aquarium, to park city, to the mountains, to stargaze, etc. So many movie nights and cuddles and making food together (our lava cakes tho... so bomb). Hanging out while he did research over the summer. When I lived on my own, I texted him whenever I didn’t feel safe, and he’d come right over and just be with me. Seeing Christmas lights. Ice-skating. Him spending more time with my family, building a gingerbread town. 

I went blonde for a few months. The girl who did it first messed up and my roots were white and there was a band of darker blonde, but the salon fixed it for free. I’d always wanted to go blonde, so that was cool.

I started auditioning again, and I got a part in a commercial for a concert for the deaf and hard of hearing! A few months later, I got my first paid role in a workout series. I met with an agency, and whereas the agent told everyone else there for acting to “email me a reel, and I’ll get back to you”, she took one look at my resume and was like “this is impressive, I’ll email you about callbacks.” I went to callbacks, and they said they’d sign me if I cleared my skin, went back to my natural hair color, and brushed up a bit with some acting classes. 

I went down the southern Utah six times this year. Once with my dad and michael. Once with the whole family. Once with my dad and johnny. Once with my mom and my younger brothers. Once with my bf. Once with everyone except for mom and david. Mostly, we stuck around Snow Canyon and the outskirts of Zion. But with my dad and Johnny, we also hit up Bryce Canyon and Capitol Reef. With my bf, we had a romantic bath, and spontaneously went to the Grand Canyon. 

I turned 21, and I have a whole other post about that experience lol. But it’s nice to be able to go to bars and order cocktails when I go out to eat. Amaretto is def my fav. 

I went to the lantern festival and it was as magical as that scene in Tangled made it look.

I went to Pennsylvania with my mom to visit family. We stayed in the house she grew up in, visited with family, got ice cream from my cousin’s work. Had cocktails and talked on the porch. Went out with my cousins and their friends. Went on a coal mine tour. Lots of home-cooked meals and just casually hanging out. Walking around Scranton, my mom reminiscing on her childhood. It was really lovely. 

I did a video shoot with Bella - basically a “day in the life at the stable”. She did so great with the cameras, I was impressed!

I got my tubes tied, and my boyfriend was such a support through it all. Driving me to surgery, taking care of me after, taking me to get acai bowls and play games, helping me around. Being there for me too when my parents found out and were furious. 

I’ve gotten close with Bella again. Moving back in with my parents definitely helped, because then I could see her everyday. It’s still a process, but it’s so much better than it was. Hanging out with her in the pasture. Riding for fun. Just sitting with her in her stall. I feel like I’m still somewhat scared of her after the kicking incident, but I’m slowly getting over that. I love her. I truly do. I am so grateful to have her in my life. She has been so sweet and saucy. And I feel like a good rider most of the time. I’m very grateful for things slowly going back to how they were in this regard; getting my relationship with my horse back.

Classes spring semester were again, a struggle. I just barely passed some and failed others. Mental health things, you know. Hard to pass a class when you can hardly ever go to class. Summer semester, I started off strong, but ended up dropping all my classes and taking the summer off, per my dad’s suggestion. Fall semester, I did all online, and I was able to keep up, for the most part. I passed all my classes and finally got taken off probation and put back into good-standing. For the first time since being at the U, my semester gpa was above a 2.0.

I attempted therapy multiple times, found one I liked, but the commute was 4 hours rt, so I quit fast. I recently found another, and so far, it’s alright. It’s progress, you know? Progress is important. 

I did a summer internship with the Start By Believing campaign in Salt Lake. Such an incredible experience; I felt like I was actually making a difference, and so amazing to be working alongside like-minded and determined people. 

I lost ten pounds, and have reached a point with my body where I don’t feel absolutely terrible if I overeat. I’m only 15 lbs away from my goal weight, something I can easily achieve through working out regularly and eating healthfully. Here’s to that in 2018.

I learned soooooo much about makeup, skin care, and hair care. I started investing in high end makeup. I started actually cleansing my face and exfoliating and moisturizing and all of that. I started using hair oils and the like. I can’t believe I didn’t do all of this before, especially with my dry skin and hair, but now, skin care is one of my favorite things. Sephora’s quickly become my favorite store. My hair is actually soft and silky all the time.

I went on accutane, and it’s finally starting to clear my skin! The only side effect I’ve experienced has been the extreme dryness everyone does. 

After moving back in with my family in July, my relationships with all of them have increasingly gotten better. It’s good. So good. I really regret having grown so distant over the course of college, but I’m doing my best to mend things. Thanksgiving was good; Christmas was even better. I feel like I got everyone great gifts. And I’m grateful things are better. 

I started regaining interest in things I used to love. Reading for fun. Drawing. Writing. I’ve stopped caring so much about what other people think of me. I’ve started caring more about my health. I feel like I’ve made real steps towards recovery and self-betterment this year. I’ve stopped being so tolerant of not being treated as well as I deserve. I’ve started forcing myself to do things, because I know I’ll regret it later if I don’t. I feel like I’ve made real progress as a person this year. Here’s to more of that in 2018.