#i want to go back to my promp.to blog so bad

[ofcaramelandcoffee]

i can’t find the motivation to cook, clean, write, or draw

i have a strong passion for cooking, always experimenting with recipes and trying new ones. but i can’t even find the motivation to cook scrambled eggs? i have to drag myself to the kitchen with the thought of, “ollie’s hungry” or else i don’t do it. i love writing like no other, i aspire to be a novelist, but i can’t even get a word down. i’ve been wanting to draw both commissions and personal pieces, but tbh? i can’t even plug in the tablet, and all i can do is become frustrated with myself and entirely unmotivated to even try. and the kitchen continues to be a mess, i haven’t swept the house like i wanted to, i keep forgetting to shower or do even the simplest chores like hanging the laundry. fuck, walking the dogs is hard, and that takes what? 15 minutes?

all i can do right now is play video games. i finished all the missions on ffxv. i’m just bullshitting around now, collecting every item i possibly can. 100% completion i guess, i still don’t know wtf i’m doing. i just can’t focus on anything else

i’ve never cried so much. it’s so hard to make me cry. to even tear up. because i just... can’t. i don’t keep myself from it, it just doesn’t happen for me. but i feel so much goddamn pain, i can’t help but to cry, and everything feels like it wants to spill over

all the other deaths i’ve been through, i knew were coming. i was able to prepare for. but not this one. this one was so damn sudden and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to handle it. i don’t know how to be okay. it hurts so much, and it won’t stop. i don’t hate that i’m crying. i hate that i have to cry, that he was taken away

i can’t help but think about how i’m not ever going to see him again. how i’m not going to be greeted by his happy wiggles, his whining, his high pitched complaining bark. how i’m not going to be able to sit down and just hug him. how he’s not going to sit on my lap or give me cuddles

i fucking miss the big lug, and i hate that i have to. i wish i could only miss him because i’m far away. goddamnit, i wasn’t supposed to miss him because he’s dead

i’m so afraid that life is going to take someone else away. that cancer is going to take another family member away. it’s taken everyone else that died, what’s stopping it from taking someone else? my mom, my dad, my brother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... me. it follows our family like the plague. even if someone isn’t biologically related to us, it takes them away apparently

i’m terrified, because i know i’m at a much larger risk than most people. think of a cancer, and my family’s probably survived  or died from it. a hysterectomy and mastectomy would greatly reduce my chances, and i want to get them away, but fuck...

i just. goddamnit... i want him back. he was supposed to be there. we worked so fucking hard to give him his life back. we spent so uh time, money, effort, dedication, and devotion trying to make sure he could go back to his youthful puppy days when he could run and play without pain. and for what? for the gods to play some kind of sick joke on us? punch us in the gut and rip our fucking hearts out?

he survived through so much. so many health problems. why couldn’t he have survived through this...? why did it have to take him?

...i’m not okay... i’m so far from okay...