#i wanted to stay at starbucks but I just didn't have all my art stuff so I couldn't draw properly so now i'm just home and i'll make it work

[zhuhongs]

Ah yes, space. I’ve always lived my life thinking that i was the type of person that didn’t really take up much space. Physical size aside, I had always lived in rather small places. Well small compared to the average american. I ate so little, did so little, and consumed really so little compared to my peers. When people talked about how compact Taiwan and most East Asian cities were, i figured space and size would be no problem. But even with how tiny i thought I was I realized that westerners, especially were raised used to a certain degree of space that just didn’t exist here unless you were very rich or lived in the countryside. Like I’m used to sharing a room but i’ve always lived in a situation where i was home a lone alot. So I could go in the living room and sprawl out all of my stuff and have a large space to exist in. Even though it was small compared to most Americans it was rather large. I had no clue, I never had that sort of perspective. Or if I was walking around I always sorta expected to have a big sidewalk to walk around on and to be far away from everything. Or if I wanted to listen to music I didn’t need to use headphones, or if i walked around with a drink it wasn’t a big issue. But here you really can’t carry much around with you, or if you do you need to be careful about those around you, because every space is shared. Its things like being in a small classroom and dropping your stuff because the desk is too small to fit all of our books, pens and everything. Or things like buying food on the street and expecting to eat it when you get back home because theres nowhere to sit. If you sit on the side of the road and eat you will very likely spill unless you are very careful. And I was never a very careful, graceful person even back in the US when I had so much space afford to me. So being here right now I often feel very embarrassed about how much space I take up. Like I know obviously there’s nothing wrong with that, obviously we all deserve space, but it’s more embarrassing how visibly Western i am. Like i’ve gotten adjusted to this aspect of living in Taipei quite a bit but man, somedays it really gets to me. Like i’m such a disorganized and clumsy person, those are not sins by any means but man do I feel strange about it. Like I wish I could just be better at living in a more organized, well planned out way. But everything I do feels sloppy and like it messes up the people around me. I shouldn’t care about that, I should only are about me but when it’s a constant feeling, I can’t help but notice it. It makes me realize how the US is so different from a lot of the world.

I feel like this lack of space affects me a lot more than i realize. I get really frustrated about it sometimes. Like I want to goplaces and do things but like I feel like it’s so inconvenient to eat or to go study or go out and draw and as such all I really do sometimes is stay on my phone and it’s so… yea. I’ve been going through a massive art block recently too. It feels like nothing I draw looks good, or I can’t bring myself to make any art because I can’t allow myself to be messy and occupy an ugly space in my sketchbook. I want it all to be beautiful but since it isn’t, i just don’t draw and don’t draw and as of recent the only thing I do is write in my journal. And I love writing too but sometimes I think that too much introspection is a bad thing for me and it makes me more miserable than happy. I just want to have the space to exist, or to get rid of the part of my that is embarrassed to be myself in the presence of others. But I’m still bothered by it, and being here has def exacerbated that fear I’ve always had of being too much. This isn’t to say that Taipei is a bad place, its great. It wasn’t healthy for me to have this fear anyways, if I stayed in the US I’d def still have this latent tendency to make myself small, but now I moreso need to learn to accept myself as it is. My issues are just being pointed out to me because I can no longer have the advantage of knowing my surroundings to a T. Now I’m in a new place and I can’t hide from myself anymore. So I have to lay it bare and make peace with it. That’s good but it’s just a bit miserable. But i’ll be okay. I’ll figure it out. I just need to verbalize it and none of my friends are picking up and I don’t want to sit at my desk and physically write so this one will go onto the internet for everyone to see.

[pbandjesse]

I thought I was feeling better but now I'm not so sure. Today has kind of been all over the place. 

I had trouble sleeping last night. Having my phone be able to be used is a mixed bag. Because I ended up playing around on the internet to much and searching on ebay for wedding stuff. And like. It was fun but also I wanted to sleep. But had a lot of trouble accomplishing that. 

I got woken up at 6 and wanted to keep sleeping but couldn't. I got up and got dressed and felt alright. My hair felt to fluffy so I wore a beanie. In 95 degree weather. It was a choice. 

Breakfast was great. But I felt so beat up. James was going to come visit for a little after lunch. And I was looking forward to that. And would try so hard to feel better. 

I wore a mask for most of the day. I was for sure more peppy with the kids. But I was also coughing. 

I was very dizzy for a lot of the day. But I would have a lot of fun with the kids. I am worse at remembering to take pictures with this new phone. So I didnt get any pics of the kids work. But it was fun watching them make stuff. 

And I felt happy despite the heat. 

James asked if they could bring me anything. I had requested my cutting mat and rotary cutter. And tissues. But I wanted something cold to drink. So they would stop at Starbucks and get me and Charlotte drinks. Best partner. 

They got here at noon. And honestly I felt like garbage. 

And then I felt worse because I was not happy and James was here and all I wanted was to be happy. But I couldn't shake it off. 

We went to lunch but it was a weird squash thing. And so we went back to the art shed and I had my frappichino and we talked. 

The kids were like screaming on the field when they saw we were holding hands. And then two that knew who James was starts screaming that it's okay!! They are engaged!! It was very cute. 

The kids on the field were very funny to listen to today. I heard Kenny scream cry at one point "I'm not a baby!!! I'm a little boy!!!" And I almost lost it it was so funny. 

Me and James laid in the hammock but I got overheated so they worked on some prep for me. And I would sit with them for a bit. But I was feeling really bad. Really low. And I didn't want them to leave but I also desperately wanted to lay down. 

So soon James left. Brought me an oatmeal cream pie before heading out. And I would lay in the dark until my next group came. 

The last group was fun though. They wanted to sew and make things with wire. So we did that. I was overheating really bad. But I worked on my quilt stuff while they worked in their ideas. It was nice. Even if I didn't feel well. 

Once they left I had to take a shower. It helped but I still felt exhausted. So I slept. 

I almost missed dinner again!! But I woke up right at 6. And dinner was great. 

It was lasagna and amazing bread and a salad. So I was very pleased. I even had seconds. 

I stayed to listen to them sing camp songs. Made me smile. But I also wanted to be alone. 

I came up here and laid down for a while longer. Worked in my painting. On my quilt squares. And now I'm cleaning up to head over to the girls village to watch a cabin. 

I plan on coming back here tonight. But we'll see. I may sleep there for a little. I am just really beat. 

I hope tomorrow is better. Not as hot. I hope the trend of feeling better continues. 

Sleep good everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[oopsitsmyfandoms]

The Squip Squad goes to Disney World

This is a random list of head canons i compiled. i could literally go on for sooooo long about them and disney cause i practically live there but i thought that might be excessive 

so lets start off with them flying to disney from new jersey and how much of a train wreck that would be

the only one of them who has ever flown before is chloe. she went to visit one of her relatives in CA before in like 6th grade so obviously she's an expert on flying because of that one experience

christine is the mom of the group, texting all of them beforehand giving them lists of what to pack 

 she goes through everyone's suitcase before they leave for the airport 

 this is why they're behind now as they scramble through the airport trying to find the security check

"Chloe i thought you knew where the hell we were going" 

"I do!"

she doesn't. she has no clue

they end up getting stuck at the metal detectors because OF COURSE brooke brought her opened starbucks and they wouldn't let her through the checkpoint with it and she REFUSED to go without it 

 so she's standing there and they all wait on her before going through the like (rookie mistake) 

once she's done with her venti-whatever-frappachino, they go through the line 

and just their luck the metal detector is like freaking out when rich goes through the line halfway through their entire group 

 and he starts freaking out cause what if its the squip and what if they're not going to let him on the plane and this is going to ruin his magical fun time with his friends that he rightfully deserves

but its not the squip. he didn't take his belt off and they're all gucci. 

 his tiny mistake cost them an extra 30 minutes wasted though 

 so yet again they're scrambling through the airport trying to find terminal 13B 

 they finally find it and just their luck the flight was delayed 40 minutes 

"it's all good guys!" the ever so optimistic christine says, "now we can hit up the food court!"

cue the entire squad cheering for food

jake flips his shit when there's a sabarro in the food court. he drags rich with him but all rich wants is a cinnabon 

 "jake its 9am why the fuck do you want sabarro instead of breakfast? c'mon man" 

 the girls wander around looking for a healthy snack place 

they end up finding a really cute one with a little coffee shop and they stock up on snacks and drinks for the plane ride 

 brooke finds the pinkberry and literally cries because holy shit she's going to disney and the airport has a pinkberry this is the best day ever 

michael and jeremy get burgers and find themselves wandering around the gift shops and little boutiques

jeremy realizes he left his earbuds at home and then they go on an adventure to find him a pair that aren’t ridiculously expensive (which is nearly impossible but chloe finds them in a store and finesses her way into getting him a deal)

they all end up getting back to the terminal just before their flight lands 

brooke has a mental breakdown cause they're supposed to board the plane in 5 minutes and her venti-whatever-frapp just hit her and she REALLY HAS TO PEE but airplane bathrooms terrify her 

 so her and jenna SCOOT to the bathroom cause no girl ever goes alone and the rest of the squad gets everyone's carryons ready 

 as soon as brooke and jenna get back they get to board 

jenna is decked out with her travel pillow, eye mask, and earbuds 

 she puts on a netflix series and legit shuts herself off from the rest of them the entire flight because they're loud and rambunctious as hell 

christine gets a window seat while jeremy sits between her and michael. they're the most sane of the group. 

 jenna also has a window seat a row up from them with chloe between her and brooke.

chloe had the isle seat but brooke gave her the puppy dog eyes cause she wanted to be able to talk to rich and jake across the isle 

THANK GOD the seat between rich and jake was empty because those two literally sprawled out across it the entire time (brooke would occasionally hop over there to chit-chat when chloe would doze off)

CUE A LIZZIE MAGUIRE PLANE MOMENT BETWEN ALL THE PRECIOUS COUPLES AT ONE POINT IN TIME

the almost 3 hour plane ride actually isn't so bad. jeremy's anxious self almost had a panic attack at take off, but michael and christine were able to calm him down. 

when they land the entire squad is very cranky from being cooped up side by side for such an amount of time, but as soon as they get off the plane and into the airport their attitudes get better 

they're at the airport ready to get on the magical express transportation when michael sees the disney store and forces everyone to go inside 

they easily blow some money between the NASA, disney, & universal stores in the airport and then they go get in line to get on the magical express

it takes them to their hotel (they stay in art of animation resort and i know thats hella expensive but let my kids live this is a hc so anything can happen) 

 they end up staying in the cars themed suites because rich and jake DEMANDED it 

 they won't stop making 'KACHOW' noises the entire fucking trip

so they all unpack their stuff and get ready to go eat dinner in the parks. they decided to go to magic kingdom the first night because it has the most food options 

 they end up going to cosmic ray's starlight cafe and the entire time the whole group is rich's impulse control so he will refrain from jumping up on the stage with the animatronic alien and dancing cause it is his first day and they do not want him getting kicked out of the park

so they finish eating and go get in line for rides with smaller lines since they're all tired and want to make the most of their time since its like 8pm by the time they're done eating 

they ride pirates of the carribean and thank god they were the only ones on their boat because it erupted in a splashing war and they almost got kicked out but somehow they miraculously didn't 

cue christine becoming a total mom saying 'if you don't keep your hands in the ride at all times we are going home immediately"

they then go over to the haunted mansion 

 michael and jeremy are fascinated the entire time about all of the eye tricks the ride plays on people 

 when they're walking through the interactive graveyard brooke and christine act like little kids, touching all of the interactive stuff they can and squealing when water or air puffs out and sprays them

when they get into the ride chloe is the one that screams just to scream and fuck with people 

she thinks its funny but when jake gives her a death glare to knock it off cause he's seriously scared she stops 

jenna is the person who tries to take pictures with the flash on and the entire group of people around them (including the rest of the squad) tells her to knock it off

they end the night with some shopping in the main street USA giftshops 

brooke and chloe find matching minnie ears and vow to wear them the rest of the trip 

this vow ends 15 minutes after they put the ears on cause damn those really hurt your head 

the entire squad established that each day they would all disneybound a certain movie and they surprisingly pull it off and it looks AWESOME

like its so good people come up and ask for pictures with them 

jenna is the self proclaimed artsy photographer of the group and gets roped into taking all of their pictures 

she doesn't mind though cause they're her friends and she enjoys taking the pictures just as much as they enjoy getting them taken 

christine has a backpack with extra money, sunscreen, water, portable phone chargers, and snacks just in case anyone needs anything

jeremy and michael do in fact blow all their money at the star wars launch bay

jake and rich blow all theirs on food. like all of the mickey mouse themed snacks? yeah they've each had at least 12 of every kind

brooke and chloe spend their money in epcot going around the pavilions buying trinkets and snacks

christine gets all the plush toys she can get her hands on. jeremy has to cut her off at some point

jenna spends her money at downtown disney at all the stores they don't have back at home

rich and jake definitely buy two of the big turkey legs and try to sword fight with them just cause they're dorks

[thisnerdsadventures]

a summer to remember

hello friends, i definitely just abandoned this whole blog, now didn't i

well i am happy to report that i am still alive, and am thriving!

Here's a rundown of everything that has been going on:

[inserting a readmore because this is long af]

May

So in May, I was definitely just all over the place because I was 1) trying to finish a paper published in a conference!! it literally drove me insane. anyways, then i had to go and finish a 78 page thesis, which involved a really convoluted timeline because i had to finish it ~ a week before the actual deadline so my PI could read it over, but then i had to finish it a few days before THAT so my PhD supervisors could read it over, which meant that i had like one (1) week to write like. all of it.

Luckily I had most of the first half already written, during whatever shitshow April was (April was a lot of coding for the paper, and then not having time to write my thesis). But THEN i had to organize all the data from my own personal experiments, make figures, and draft the entire results section. AND i had like two final reports to do for my class, so my last weeks of academia looked like....

Of course, the day before my thesis was due, I pulled an all nighter, because, of course. What other way would I ever end my academic career. Submitted it though, and I graduated! [LINK TO MY THESIS]

Also! I got vaccinated and felt like death for a whole day, but then my friend came over and we ate fried chicken and watched this show called Miraculous, which is a kids show from France, but for some reason is actually hilarious and really entertaining. Then I felt better, so I proceeded to work on my thesis.

Also, I guess I should talk a little bit about the class I took this semester, which was an industrial organization economics class. We looked at things like how different markets are organized, why they are that way, what market concentration means, how mergers affect competition, and what kind of effect that may impose on consumers. For the final case study (which, I will say, I wrote like 2000 words in a single day, so . applause for me), I looked at the Nvidia-ARM merger and how that may or may not affect competition in the GPU market, the CPU market, and the mobile chip market. I think my analysis was a little bit more surface level, which was fine for me, since I'm by no means an economics expert or even remotely should have any expectations at all, but I read a lot and learned a lot and that's the goal!

So yes, my brief excursion into the field of economics was overall positive, I feel like I learned a lot and now I can read financial articles about the tech industry and not be completely lost, which, again, was the goal.

But yes, May was a lot of work, and once it wrapped up, I got to spend a lot of time with friends post-vaccination! After the 1 or 2 week mark after my second dose, I started going back to the gym, especially to play basketball with folks, which I had missed a lot. I spent a lot of time at my old dorm just hanging out, and got to have a cute salmon dinner over at my other friend's place. And we made cheesecake too.

June (MA->NY->MA->CA)

I finally went to visit my best friend in New York. I hadn't seen her in > 400 days, so it was really a very anticipated event, except we saw each other across the crosswalk, but then the light took like five minutes to turn green, so it was really anticlimactic. Anyways, we ended up bumming around New York and Long Island for a week, and it was nice to spend some time with her after such a long gap.

We spent a day at a vineyard and I fell asleep so

After getting back to Boston, my mom came back from Taiwan to help me move out of my apartment. It was a lot of finding people to sell things to, sweating because it was very hot that week, and praying everything would work out (it did). I also got to have a few final meals with various friends and my mom and I got to take one last lark down the Infinite, which I was really grateful for because it was the first time visitors got to go inside campus in over a year.

Also got into my school's MBA program! Yes i applied to a deferred program (which is like you get into a program, but you don't have to go for 2-5 years, as a way of getting in right after undergrad/grad school, but then accumulating some work experience first). It was hilarious, I was literally shopping in my campus store for a new sweatshirt and I got a phone call from the admissions office saying I got in. My mom had been pushing me to apply to grad programs, and I didn't tell her about it because I didn't know if I would actually follow through. But I got to surprise her with the news, and she was so happy she did the whole "calling all the relatives" thing again.

After flying home, I told myself I'd read more and exercise more, which I have been doing. I got a membership at Planet Fitness, which has been really good for me (going 3x a week), and I've made my way through at least 5 books this summer so far. My holds list at my local library is literally insane. (For recs, I recently read Normal People, which I absolutely devoured, and In the Dream House, which hit really hard for me.)

This summer was also really about reconnecting with high school friends. All three of us were unemployed, with plans to come in the fall, so we were all free to hang out all the time. We started out at the local library planning out a road trip, and we worked out a few times together, and a few coffee dates too. We took a fun day trip down to LA one day, and we visited Malibu, went to the Getty, hit up some local food places in the city. Driving down the PCH with Taylor Swift blaring and the windows down on a hot June day, just hits so different. There is nothing like it.

My friend's birthday was in June, so we put together a little video for her and bought some jewelry, and had a Zoom call to celebrate. Then I got BBQ with some friends and sat in the parking lot eating ice cream until 11 at night just trading stories from our pasts. It felt like the perfect summer life, just staying out until whenever, grabbing food wherever we wanted, with friends I had had for literally a whole decade.

It was already a really good summer, but then July. July was crazy.

July (CA -> MI -> CA -> NV -> CA -> WA -> OR -> CA)

So one Sunday morning, I woke up to a text

Actually, I'm going to do a separate post on the whole Michigan trip because that sh** was on another level of spontaneous, impulsive, crazy life stuff. But anyways, so July started off with a trip to Michigan to visit my friends, and then I came back for the 4th, had 36 hours of rest before my high school friends and I went on a road trip.

This road trip was a little ambitious. We hit spots all up California, from hiking in Sequoia Nat'l Park to Kings Canyon, driving up to Sacramento and visiting art museums, and then going up to Tahoe but staying in Nevada, going kayaking and hiking and sitting on the beach for hours. It was reallllllly hot, but luckily I don't think it ever broke 90 degrees. The views were beautiful, especially at Kings Canyon. The drive in, you're surrounded by huge rock walls, with a thin river rushing by next to you. The hike itself literally feels like you're in nature, like the trail is somewhat defined but not paved, there are no sounds of traffic, the path isn't heavily trafficked so we were the only ones there for the most part. We even saw a deer and washed our faces in the river. Throughout the whole thing, we climbed into so many waterfalls, trying not to slip on rocks.

I hadn't been to Sacramento in over a decade, but it was a cute day trip. There isn't a ton to do there, but it was a nice reprieve from the constant driving and nature. We visited the Leland Stanford Mansion, the Crocker Art Museum, and Old Town Sacramento. A good chance to get a nice coffee, a sit-down meal, and some air conditioning. At Tahoe, we went kayaking on Pope Beach, with the clearest water I have ever seen, followed up by a hike up to a beautiful view of the Lake.

On our way back, we stopped at a lot of interesting places, like small towns like Lee Vining, where we found an Upside Down House; Manzanar, the site of an old Japanese internment camp during the WWII era (which also hit hard); and Randsburg, a literal living ghost town. Overall, getting to travel with my friends finally was so fun, they were so much fun to be around for five days, and getting to explore so much of California was so fun - even though I'd been here for so long, I never knew these places existed.

So I came back and had around 48 hours to recover before my mom and I took a trip up to the Pacific Northwest!

I've always wanted to visit Seattle, and figured I'd hit Portland on the way too. We originally wanted to go to Hawaii but it got so expensive by the middle of the summer, so we decided to stay a little closer to home (probs the better decision bc I was already so tired by this point).

Seattle! Got to visit Pike Place Market many times, grab some coffee at the original Starbucks, see Mt. Rainier, and grab food with three friends! Also went to Bainbridge Island for a day which was SO cute - got to do an olive oil/balsamic vinegar tasting, which sounds so extra, but is actually really unexpectedly fun. At Starbs, I did a cold brew flight, which resulted in a rough night of tossing and turning for me, but I think it was worth it. Other things included the Pinball Museum, Space Needle, and Chihuly Glass Museum!

So I lowkey really wanted to visit Portland because I wanted to achieve a long-lasting dream of seeing an NWSL game in person. So I went to the Thorns Pride game!!

The Thorns fanbase is actually insane, I cannot express to you, like there's this whole fan section that actually did synchronized cheers and routines and was actually ROARING when they scored the entire game. I swear the audience was actually watching them at points instead of the match. Overall, the stadium was going crazy, like I thought I was at a tied Celtics-Bucks game with how loud it was in there. Also I swear, Ali Krieger made eye contact with me and waved.

In addition to that, Portland also has a huge rose garden, a nice Japanese tea garden, a lot of good donut stores and a huge bookstore, so all very up my alley. We also took a day trip to see Mt. Hood and more waterfalls!!

That's a summary of the SEA - PDX trip. Once I got home, my high school friends and I did not waste any time on reuniting to hang out - we went and played ball, grabbed lunch, and then coffee, and then did the same exact thing like two days later and watched a bunch of TikToks, and then spent a whole day at the beach to send my good friend off to medical school in Arizona. They somehow convinced me to go in the water and I got body checked by a wave.

Saw this sculpture on the beach and teared up a little

So proud of my friends for making it to med school, I am so excited to see them at their white coat ceremonies and beyond, I swear I will cry at every step of the way I'm so happy for them. Now that July is pretty much over, most of my fun summer plans are too, and I finally get a chance to catch my breath from that busy busy month. Spending a lot of time watching the Olympics and trying to muster up the motivation to start a fulltime job in < 1 month!!

Overall, I feel like I've been having a really solid summer given the year that was the covid year. I had a Lot of fun, literally probably two summers worth of fun consolidated into one. I think in the beginning of the year, I really wanted this summer to be good, and I didn't have a lot of set plans for the summer, even by the end of May. But somehow, things came together, like Really together, and I had the best summer of my life in this summer 2021. On top of that, I'm reading more than I have since probably middle school, I feel the most in shape that I ever have, I can DRIVE NOW. Only thing that would've made it better was if I got to go back to Taiwan to visit the fam, but unfortunately I can't go back because of strict travel restrictions there and they had a COVID outbreak too :/ I still got around 3.5 weeks of summer to go, so we'll see how the rest goes :)

[pbandjesse]

Today didn't go exactly as planned but it was a really good day. This was a nice little vacation. I didn't spend to much money and i feel really happy. Im sitting in my hotel relaxing and enjoying my night. Im really looking forward to going home though. I miss my cat and my apartment and my boyfriend.

I slept really well last night. I woke up with the sun and I was so cozy with my feather pillows abd blankets. I stayed in bed until 830. Playing on my phone. Being comfy. It was really nice.

I got up and got washed. My makeup looked great. I felt really cute. It was a bit colder today but it was still beautiful. I had breakfast in the hotel's restaurant. I listened to my podcast and just wanted a chill morning.

I got my backpack and headed out into the world. I tried to walk out of the parking lot from the back side and i got turned around and while the veiws were beautiful I was annoyed with myself for going the wrong way.

I walked up to a local park that has a small museum on the property. But it was closed. Thats okay. I kept walking. Then I decided I would go to the Garden of the World. A private park that is set up to emulate different cultural landscapes. Cool.

I walked up to a 711 to make it easier for a lyft to find me. And I got there in less then 15 minutes. California is funny. It would have taken me 2 hours to walk to this place but it was a less then 15 minute drive. Everywhere has been like that. Its bizzare.

But we get out there and its closed. Until 1. Okay im bummed but its fine. Not a huge deal. I walked around that area and found a neat little store and got myself a hair clip that I have had on my wish list for a while. And I got Jess a present. I still had like a half hour until I needed to be at the meeting thing. So I walked.

I ended up finding a really awesome Portuguese cafe and I got their signature pastry which was essentially a warm baked pudding. Almost like a creme brullee. It was great. When I was done I called a car and headed to the meeting.

The gps got confused and me and my driver had some trouble finding the building. But we did it and I was on time. The lady at the front desk wasnt very nice to me. I told her what I was there for. Who I was supposed to meet. And she just said. I dont know what that is is who that is. And i tried to show her my itinerary and she snapped at me. And I was about to get upset but someone leaned over the wall and figured out what was going on and solved the problem. Thank you nice lady.

The meeting was funny. When they asked me to do it they said it would be about 10 to 15 people. And that was fine. But when I got there today it was only one person. Well the one person and the person running the meeting. I don't know what happened but it was funny to me. Like I still had a good time and it was nice to talk to them both butt they spent $300 a night for this hotel for me. And they flew me across the country. And it was only one person. We could have done this over Skype guys. Like I'm not going to turn down what has been a really nice couple days but it was just pretty funny.

I told you my story. I told him about my art and my history. Medication and trials and errors. Insurance issues and finding a doctor. All the scary parts that go around being a patient. Even though it was only the one person I was talking to I really hope that my story can be impactful enough that she will really understand when she's out trying to get doctors to carry this medication and to prescribe it to people that it's a big deal. And financially it's a lot. That just because it works doesn't mean that everyone can take it. It's not just about filling a prescription with this kind of thing. There's a lot that goes into it.

But it was a really nice hour. I was there until about 1 and then I went to call the car and head to my next thing. It was funny while I was sitting outside waiting for the car a guy walked past me and told me it was too cold for me to be sitting out there. And I'm not going to deny it wasn't chilly. But it was still about 55°. It was funny people were walking around and basically winter coats. And I had a sweater and a jacket on. I didn't even have double tights on! It was beautiful. Californians art week.

I took the lift up to the Thousand Oaks Mall. According to the internet there is a branch of the California Art Museum there. Cool. I decided to just wander the mall for a while first. It's a nice small. Have an indoor and outdoor apart. Lots of pretty fountains. I walked around the Disney Store and I'll look for new shoes. Because the shoes I wore are killing my feet. They will not be travel shoes ever again. I didn't have any luck with shoes but I was enjoying just walking around. And then finally I found the branch of the museum. Was to galleries. Except they were closed for a private event. Awesome. I was pretty dejected. This was now the third thing I had been to today that was closed. I went and sat down and called James. I just needed to talk out my feelings because I was feeling stupid.

He made me feel better though. I think I was starting to feel like other people were going to think I wasted my trip. Like I didn't go to the beach and I didn't see a ton of things. But I don't actually feel bad. I had a great time. I walked around. I cried at mountains. I bought little Trinkets and got to see a bunch of antique stores. I decided while we we're talkin that I would go back to the gardens of the world. It said it would be open to the public again at 1. And it was about 2:30. So that's what I did.

First though I decided to buy myself a present. I know it's just a couple days after my birthday and I said I would stop by myself things but I was a little upset and I bought myself a stuffed lion from the Japanese store. And I love him so much. He's so soft and he's slightly under-filled. He's just perfect. So I don't feel bad about my purchase at all. He's great. His name is Daniel.

Once I bought my lion I wandered out of the mall in search of the Goodwill that I read was on the other side of the mom. I did find it. It was a pretty good Goodwill but I didn't find anything I wanted. I was mostly looking at shoes anyway. There was a very cute bear shaped rocking horse and a small Hello Kitty car for toddlers. But I wanted to get to the gardens. And they were only open till 5. I didn't know how big they were and I didn't want to feel rushed so I called a car.

This is the first time ever I had that was chatty. He was really nice and asked me all about my life story. And we talked all the way until we got to the gardens and then dropped me off. It was nice.

The gardens were beautiful. Free to the public. Privately owned by an elderly couple. They had apparently owned a travel agency and when they sold it they decided to take their millions of dollars and open this 44-acre public garden. It was amazing. Completely privately funded.

I wasn't sure if I was allowed to take pictures. There are a couple signs that said stuff about like photographers and that you need a permit but I wasn't sure if they were talking about like pictures of people like wedding photos and then I saw one sign that said something about cell phones but I was confused so I only took a couple pictures on the down low. Just in case. It was mostly empty. A couple small groups besides me. I walked the whole ground and it was beautiful. There was a section that look like an English garden and one that looks like an Italian Villa with Italian cypresses in a fountain. Lots of fountains. Each little cultural section had a water feature. The Japanese pagoda was really pretty and it was just so nice. I walked it twice. The first time around just kind of sneaking pictures of my Furby and enjoying the quiet. It was a little cooler and clouds were rolling in but it was still very nice. I got to see a lemon growing on a tree for the first time in my entire life. That was really cool. And then I found a volunteer. He was a really nice guy. I asked him to tell me all about the gardens and he did and then I told him where I was from and got to tell him about ships and he turned out to be a volunteer at the Reagan Library. So that was cool meeting another Museum professional. And so I walked it one more time and really enjoyed myself. And then I headed out. I wanted to see what else I could do with my day.

When I had left from the gardens the first time I had made a left. So this time I made a right I walked and walked and then I was just too tired to walk anymore. And I really lucked out because as soon as I call the car it started to drizzle. And then it started to rain. Thankfully I was right next to a Starbucks and they had an umbrella outside so I didn't get all wet. And my driver was very fast. But I got in the car and it started pouring.

I have the car take me up to the Target. And the rain had started to Peter out by then. But it went into Target and I found some sneakers. They have memory foam insoles. And they're very comfy. I also got a juice that is fine but kind of grassy tasting. And then we just walked around the shopping center. I went and all the little stores. Enjoyed the scenery. I was kind of on the top of a hill and I could see the mountains on all the sides and it was just so pretty. I don't know what it is about the mountains here but they make me want to cry when I stare at them for too long. I just find them so beautiful. It's different than the ocean which causes a different reaction in me. If I had another day I would probably try to get out to one of the mountains again like I did last time I was here. But It's okay that I didn't do that this time. I'm a little too sore from all the other walking I did to get lost in the mountains where I can't call a car when I run out of steam.

I just had to get something to eat and was a little frustrated because I couldn't find just like a grilled cheese sandwich anywhere. But I ended up at a brewery in the shopping center that was really cool on the inside. I liked the big silver Brewing machine things. And the food was good. My waitress was really nice. And I just listen to my podcast and enjoyed myself.

It was really running out of steam though. I thought the food would help but it didn't pick me up as much as I was hoping. I was a little disappointed in myself because I had tried to find the postcards or something to give as gifts to people. And I just completely failed. I couldn't find anywhere that sold anything like that. Thousand Oaks isn't really a tourist destinations they only have anyting. And so I kind of wandered around the shops longer to try to see if I can find anything similar to that. But I didn't have any luck. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow at the airport I can find a couple things but I'm not holding out hope. Because I have assumed it's going to be incredibly expensive if I can find anything at all. We'll see. I was trying not to be too hard on myself though. No one's going to be mad at me. Even though I'm afraid that they will be.

But like I said I was getting really tired. I went back to the Target one more time just to see if I can maybe find any California type stuff there but like I said Thousand Oaks isn't really a tourist place so no luck. I tried on a sweater and then I just decided it was time to go back to the hotel. I caught a car and then I got back and I was very happy to be here.

I ran a bath and I'm packed my bag. Started packing my actual suitcase bag. I might have to use both backpacks. I haven't exactly figured out that part yet. But I'm not that concerned. My bath was really nice. I got a bloody nose while I was in there but it wasn't too bad. Mostly just surprised me. Put away things and put my outfit out for tomorrow. I packed what I could. Put all my receipts in one bag. And now I'm just kind of sitting here and watching videos. I'm going to go to sleep soon though. I'm really tired and I got to wake up early to get the ride to the airport. They're coming to pick me up at I think 8:15. My flight is in two parts. I think I'm flying to Chicago and then from Chicago to Baltimore. I'm not positive it's Chicago though. Wherever it is I have an hour and a half there so I get to at least get a snack if not dinner. It's going to be a long day though. I don't get back to Baltimore until about 10 p.m. and then I work Friday morning at 9 at ships. So that's like a whole thing. Pussy town Much sleep I can get on the airplane but I'm not holding out hope. I hope you guys all have a great night. Wish me luck tomorrow. It's going to be a long travel day. I'm really excited to be in the same city as my boyfriend and my cat. Though I am a little sad I missed the snow storm today I'm glad that it's not going to affect my flight tomorrow. I hope it's just a really nice day. Sleep well everyone.

[pbandjesse]

Welp i just accidently closed my post i was writing. Ugh. Super. Just a cherry on top og how crappy im feeling today.

Im trying to not feel so out of sorts. But today was Another pointless snow day. And it didn't even snow!! And my hands are cold and i have felt sad and guilty all day. Its not been fun for me and i could barely focus on anything worth while. And now im really worried about rent because of all this time off and i just put money into savings for the first time in forever and now I just feel unsettled.

I am trying really hard to be positive. But its been really hard.

James went to bed early last night. I stayed up for a couple more hours and had fun looking up furby listings and finding fake knock offs. And i slept okay.

I was not thrilled to get a snow day part 2 text. But I tried to take it in stride. Even though it never snowed and it just was miserable and raining and cold. But no snow.

Me and James stayed in bed until about 9. He got up and went to 711 to get us breakfast. I was dressed and loving my make up by the time he got back. That new eyeliner I got is excellent.

Once we finished breakfast we cleaned my apatment. And it feels much better in here now. I was feeling frustraited though because I knew James had plans for the afternoon but he wasn't giving me a straight answer on when he was going to hang out with Brandon or whatever. And Ben wanted to get together to take pictures and i wanted to give him a time but James wasn't helping me. Finally he said he would leave at 130. Okay. But then Ben canceled. Okay guys. So I just felt more and more unhappy. Like with James its fine you have other stuff going on. Im not trying to play games. I dont care if you leave at noon or 7pm. I just want to know the plan so i can schedule my day!! I get really upset by wasted time and these last couple days have really been hard so the playing sround doesn't sit right with me.

We went to soups on for lunch but they didn't have the one i wanted. And the one i got really wasnt good. But now im realizing i dont have a sense of smell right now. So its possible the soup was fine. But it did have undercooked peas in it and i didnt appreciate that at all.

We stopped at Starbucks. I got cake pops. And we said goodbye.

I walked home. It was so gross out I just wanted to be home. The rain had stopped for a bit though. And so i stopped at the art store, not dick blick but plaza, and got big paper and paint.

If I was gonna be sad snd despondent, i could at least paint.

So i did that for an hour. And it helped a little. Everything helped a little. I tried on all my outfits for this weekend and California. I organized. I went to the store and got a pizza. I tried not to be miserable. I laid down and watched the new shane dawson doc. Its been a weird day for me. I just feel so unsettled.

I eventually took a bath. Put some green dye in my hair. Scrubbed. Mask. Upstairs. Jammies. Painted nails. Did eyebrows. And now im listening to true crime videos and ready for bed.

I realy hope we work tomorrow. I may be doing photos with Ben in the morning but if i feel this torn up its not gonna happen. Well see.

Send me your good vibes. I need it right now.

Good night.