#i was going to go as gomez with my bf as morticia but he can’t make it into town and our band gig was canceled

[samissamazing]

honest thoughts on the last 3 people you dated. honest thoughts about the new people they are dating

OK, so for this I’m going to talk about the last 3 people I’ve actually “officially” dated, and not just the people I’ve spent a lot of time talking to/flirting with/ etc. Also sorry not sorry for the novel, but I tend to get long-winded, and you did ask.

So first, there was Charlie.  Charlie was my first real boyfriend way back in high school.  We were introduced by one of my best friends, and we hit it off right away.  We both had so many similar interests, I thought he was cute, he was a teenage boy not completely ruled by his hormones, he was super nice, yadda yadda yadda.  So we talked for about a year, mostly over facebook, before we finally actually started dating.  Now, important side note:  my mother is batshit crazy.  Like, so incredibly controlling and manipulative, and had to be in control of every single aspect of my life.  And she didn’t give 2 shits if I was ever happy, but she did care a ridiculous amount about my grades.  If I didn’t come home with straight A’s, i was grounded.  So she was the type of person to ban me from talking to someone if she thought they were interfering with my grades, and she had lengths she could take to achieve it.  So naturally, I wanted to keep my relationship with him on the down low. And he knew about that.  One day he asked me why we weren’t bf/gf yet, and I straight up told him it was because I wouldn’t be able to see him.  I wouldn’t be able to go to his house and hang out, I wouldn’t be able to go places with him, stuff like that.  And he told me that wasn’t a big enough reason for us not to date, and I was like “alright, if you insist.”  About 3 weeks later he started getting upset that I wasn’t able to hang out with him and go places with him and do cute coupley things with him (this was before either of us had our own car) and I was like “I fucking told you.” and after that I basically just started working with him to not be a dick so that he could get another girlfriend after me and we broke up on the first day of junior year.  We both were involved with another service organization, so we did have to see each other relatively often, and after that he got kind of physically violent towards me and in general and there was one time that he was upset that I didn’t stand up fast enough after kneeling for a huge group picture and he kind of just grabbed me by the arm and yanked me up and I basically just said “if you get within arms distance of me again, I’m calling the cops” and I never saw him again.

As for his current girlfriend, I don’t actually know if he’s dating anyone because in my mind, he pretty much fell off the face of the earth after that, but thanks to instagram, I did find out that his girlfriend after me was a brunette that wanted to study marine bio, but her school didn’t offer it so she was just general bio, who liked the beatles and star trek, who also did musical theatre.  So basically a 2nd rate version of me because at least I’m hot.

Then there was Casey.  I was with Casey for about 3 and a half years.  I met him pretty much as soon as I got to Florida Tech, and we started dating less than a month later.  When it was really good, it was great.  But when it wasn’t, it was kind of miserable.  I knew early on that my major wasn’t going to be able to pay all my bills, so I kind of figured that if I find someone who’s studying computers or an engineer or something, I just needed to snatch them up, and then I’d be set for life.  So in the beginning, yes, it was just about the potential money, but then I did start to really like him.  It was pretty great in the beginning, but then the relationship started to become pretty unbalanced in what he was asking of me versus what he was giving me in return.  It became pretty clear that we weren’t taking on the world together, but it was more that he was taking on the world and taking me along for the ride.  I kept telling myself “Just think of that paycheck.  You’ll never have to work a day in your life,” but after I got really sick, it became so clear that he didn’t actually care about my health unless it interfered with his ability to stick his dick in me.  He always claimed to support me in my other endeavors, but he really never gave a shit about anything I did with the drama club or with the swing club to the point where we needed his help for a few nights with the last musical I did, he straight up refused to help because he didn’t want to put the effort into it, and the person we did end up doing the job we needed him to ended up fucking up pretty much every night and actively hurt the show. He’s a good guy.  He does care, he’s just a little shady in how he gets things done to care about people. He’s thoughtful, but he doesn’t think his thoughts all the way through.  He also has a tendency to just make shit up to get his point across, so if he’s ever told you something, try to verify it with someone else.  

I don’t think he’s dating anyone right now, and I do feel really bad about how much I hurt him when we broke up.  I genuinely thought he saw it coming, especially because things had just not been the same for at least 6 weeks, and I didn’t even want him touching me, and I was getting more and more vocal about how unhappy I was and how frustrated he was making me, but according to him, it came out of absolutely nowhere.

Then there was Matt.  I tried so hard not to fall for him, but in the end, I still did.  We met by playing Gomez and Morticia Addams in The Addams Family Musical (hello, cutest fucking “how we met” story ever).  We didn’t start dating until a few months later though, mostly because when we met he was in a relationship with this batshit crazy bitch who treated him like absolute garbage.  I needed his help with the next show, so we started seeing each other more often, and we started learning more about each other, and long story short, I was one of the only people who outright told him that his girlfriend was treating him like shit and that he needed to leave her, and at the time it was just because he was my friend and I cared about him, but I hadn’t caught feelings just yet.  And I was a support system for him while he was going through that, and he lived in the building right next to me, so I gave him rides home from rehearsals, and it was super easy for one of us to pop over just to hang out, and he’d come with me if I needed to go on a late-night run to walmart or something.  And the more time I spent with him, the more I started realizing how great we were for each other.  If you asked me to build the perfect man for me, you get him, and he was even more than I ever could have thought to ask for.  He was tall, handsome, a dancer, a singer, an actor, did musical theatre, played piano phenomenally, played spanish guitar, a fencer, loved to show me off, was a great cook, was passionate, was willing to try new things that I liked, introduced me to cool things that he liked, was so incredibly thoughtful, was spontaneous, planned a bunch of surprises for me, put effort into dates, and when we were together, everything just felt so right in the universe.  It sounds cheesy, but that’s the only way I could think to describe it.  It seemed that every time we were together, there was some sort of sign that was telling me that we were meant to be.  I mean, we met playing the absolute definition of #relationshipgoals, we saw a shooting star on a late night spur of the moment beach trip, we got separated at walmart once and found each other holding the same item that we wanted to show each other, we kept finding more and more things we had in common, and so on.  I had never met anyone that I was able to just be completely, unabashedly myself with.  From the moment I met him, there were no walls, there was no front, and there’s absolutely nothing that I’ve held back from him.  He’s the only person I could just sing in front of and not worry about sounding good and what he might think of me.  And everything fell into place so perfectly, and I hesitate to use that word, but it’s true.  It was perfect.  We’d sit down and we’d talk about things, and we both agreed that we were terrified out of our minds, but we didn’t have any doubts that we were meant to be together.

Then it all went to shit.  Long story short, I took an internship in Atlanta, we spent a couple weekends going back and forth between Florida, Atlanta, and Louisiana together, and we’d spend probably about 3 hours on the phone every day when we were apart, and he went through some shit, and us being apart kind of forced some quiet into his life, and he had to come to terms with some issues that were unresolved with his last relationship, and he broke up with me out of nowhere over the phone while I was in Louisiana one weekend, and I was like, “I understand you’re going through some shit, if you think this will help, then ok, and I’ll still be here to love you and support you through this.” so I’m over here going absolutely nuts and losing it more and more every day because I’m beating myself up thinking that he’s hurting and I can’t be there for him, and I should never have left Florida in the first place, and I need to get back to Florida ASAP, and he was telling me that he felt like he didn’t have many friends, so I was so worried about him, and all that jazz.  So we’re still talking, still friendly, and skipping a bit, I find out that he broke up with me a week after he convinced a girl he routinely assured me I would never have to worry about, she likes him but he could never like her like that, she was way too young for him, she’s not his type, she knew how crazy he was about me, etc. to break up with her boyfriend.  They start dating soon after, they try to keep it quiet, but her ex boyfriend starts talking to me, I start putting together the pieces, and Matt told her he loved her back in March, and we didn’t really start hanging out until April.  The problem is that the more I think about it, the more that some little things don’t add up, and not necessarily in the “I should have seen this coming” way, but more in the “Maybe he didn’t anticipate falling for me as hard as he did” way and I can’t get out of my own head and I went on a crazy downward spiral for a while and I’m still not completely out of it, and it was not a good couple of weeks, and I just miss my best friend and even after how much he absolutely destroyed me, I just can’t stop loving him no matter how hard I try, and the worst part of all of this is that I’d still take him back in a heartbeat.

As for his new girlfriend, she’s pretty.  She’s a fucking blonde (they all are).  But she’s young, and she doesn’t have a whole lot of friends that are girls, especially older friends that are girls looking out for her.  The thing is, she’s a lot more sneaky and manipulative herself than she actually lets on.  The current rumor going around, which considering what I know about her, I’m inclined to believe, is that she’s using him as a way to get out of her parents’ house.  Watch, she’s going to try to move in with him before the end of the year.  And before shit hit the fan, I’m sitting there, trying to be supportive even though I didn’t really know her that well and telling her that if she really is that unhappy with her boyfriend, she really does need to set some limits and leave him, she’s given him way more chances than he deserves, she’s young and pretty and she’ll have so many more boys and she can do so much better.  Also the thing is that she’s used to having a lot of boys constantly throwing themselves at her, and Matt has been described as intimidating, so knowing that’s not something that is likely going to happen anymore is probably going to affect her a lot more than she might realize now, so she’s probably going to start sneaking around, flirting with people behind his back to get some more attention (tbh i speak from experience.  Not with Matt, but in another time) and that’ll be a shit storm waiting to happen.  Either way, she’s got the world ahead of her, and I genuinely hope she meets the man of her dreams soon so she can fucking give me back mine

TL;DR

Charlie:  Piece of shit, literally has no impact on my life anymore

Casey:  Heart’s in the right place, just didn’t work out

Matt:  Everything hurts and I’m dying