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bcdwhcre · 4 years

Note

Oml I've had this request idea for so long so I was wondering how you'd do it. How about some headcanons/little scenarios of Levi, Erwin, and Hanji getting caught making out with their fem so by someone else in the scouts? 😏 This has been in my head so LONG soooo I feel like you would portray it well

“Caught,” Levi x Erwin x Hange Headcanons

okay okaaaay cute idea🥺

Summary: getting caught making out with your s/o by another scout.

Warnings: implied smut with Erwin

Fem!Reader

Levi:

He’s always been the type to be clingy and openly affectionate in private. He never really liked PDA or even being flirty with you in front of others. He liked to cherish you behind the closed doors and show you how much he loves you there.

It never bothered you, you were always professional when it came to your work so you agreed with him about not wanting to show too much of your relationship to the other Scouts.

One day Levi was more clingy than usual, he said it was only because he had a nightmare about losing you and it felt too real. The entire day when no one was looking, he would touch you in any way he could. Grabbing your hand, touching your lower back. He felt like he needed some slight touch of yours to be reminded you were still here.

Around the afternoon, he had forced you to stop your work and come to his office. It had bugged you but you couldn’t sit there and complain about Levi wanting to be around you for every second.

He was just a teddy bear, very hands on and loving so him having a dream about you no longer being here- it had crushed him in ways he couldn’t explain. He was deeply in love with you, he couldn’t handle losing you so the slight dream just fed into his insecurities and anxiety that he had to be around you.

As you stepped inside his office after knocking, his eyes lit up when he seen you and instantly stood up from his desk as you walked over. His arms embraced you in a tight hug, his lips kissing the side of your head and a sigh of relief slipped out of his mouth.

“Why did you call me here?” You mumbled, rubbing his back and he grunted under his breath, his eyes moving to look at you.

“Just missed you is all.” He barely said loud enough for you to hear, feeling embarassed for admitting that out loud. He felt dumb for bothering you and taking you away from your work to see him but he felt like he needed it desperately.

“Hm, because you missed me?” You teased, making him roll his eyes and his hands grabbed a hold of your cheeks firmly, staring into your eyes.

“Yes,” He quietly said, admiring you as his thumbs rubbed over your soft skin.

Time felt like it had frozen still just for a moment, his eyes burning into yours and another huff escaped his mouth as he tried to rid the insecurities he had replaying in his head.

You could tell how frustrated he really was, he hated to be deep into thought about everything- especially when it came to negative thoughts. You moved your hands to rest on his sides, gripping onto the material of his shirt and tugged him closer.

You wanted to take away his troubles, his thoughts and his anxiety. You wish you could easily take it from his hands and deal with it yourself, he deserved to be happy everyday.

As you felt his thumbs brush over your cheeks, you leaned up to press your lips on his. A gentle kiss but it definitely made him feel better, making all the stress slip off his shoulders and replaced with love and butterflies.

His hands stayed firmly on your cheeks, afraid of letting you go but also not wanting you to pull back from his lips. He just needed this a little longer. He had tilted his head, leaning more into your mouth as both of your lips moved in sync with one another.

Suddenly the door had opened up, Armin and Jean walking inside while calling for Levi before noticing the scene before them, making them freeze in the doorway and made the both of you break apart and glance back at the door.

All four of you stared at each other, the awkward tension and not really knowing what to say about what had just happened. Your relationship wasn’t a secret, no, but it wasn’t clear if everyone knew about it or not considering you two aren’t much of a pda type couple.

Armin and Jean’s eyes were wide, they had no clue about your relationship so walking in felt like they violated your privacy and saw something they weren’t supposed to see.

Levi grew frustrated, staring at the both of them and crossed his arms over his chest as he gave them a cold stare.

“You either speak on why you’re here or leave.” He simply said, causing the both of them to stumble on their words and Armin ended up just grabbing Jean and dragging him out of the office.

“We’re so sorry, we didn’t see anything. Ignore us.” Armin rushed out, grabbing the door and shut it, hearing them panic as they go down the hall,

“You scared the poor boys.” You glanced over at Levi, making him roll his eyes and meet your gaze.

“Maybe they should learn how to knock.”

Erwin:

Erwin is the type of person who likes to have everyone know you’re his but he’s also very professional in his work and making sure that his work and your relationship don’t intertwine and ruin one another.

He’s always kept his head screwed on and he always treated you more like a colleague while working and you always done the same to him. He cared a lot about his job, it was one of his favorite things along with you.

So, it didn’t bother you to have him focus on his work during the day and come home to cherish you ten times more. It was a good mixture to keep the relationship healthy and stable.

But one particular day, you found yourself a bit more needier and trying to go about your work as if nothing is wrong was bugging you. You couldn’t help but think of Erwin repeatedly, the other night replaying in your head of him touching you in all the right places.

It was really starting to annoy you, sure this has happened before but the other times it was easy to manage and ignore. This time it just was on the tip of your brain, repeating like a broken record and it was starting to make you go crazy as you keep catching yourself zoning out and daydreaming about it

You were stationed on the opposite side of the base, trying to concentrate on the plan for the expedition coming up and as you sat there trying to listen, it was getting more evident that you were dozing off into thought.

After a while there was a meeting that had to be held with most of the Scouts, mainly the higher ups, to discuss the next expedition but you were too lost in your train of thought to even realize what they were saying.

“Y/N.” Levi snapped his fingers in your face and your eyes shot up to meet his, the scary plain look on his face and you could automatically tell he was irritated.

Erwin had looked across the room, noticing you zoning out and he tried not to think too hard about it, you two were at work- not at home but he felt like there was something wrong, maybe you were upset or too in a depressing mood to work.

As the meeting went on, it had finished up and Erwin had asked for you to come to his office and at first you thought that he had caught on and it had actually excited you a bit but the both of your thoughts were far from similar.

Once you stepped inside, you turn to face him as he shut his door and you reached out to grab a hold of his hands. He had looked at you with concern and before he could ask you what’s going on, you had smashed your lips onto his.

He was a bit taken back but he couldn’t deny that he liked the sudden kiss from you and he wasn’t too phased since it was inside his office. Your hands had moved up to cup his cheeks and eventually sliding them back to tangle in his hair, both of your lips molded together.

Suddenly the door had creaked open and someone had grunted loud enough for the both of you to hear. Erwin had ripped away from you, both of your eyes moving to meet with Levi’s as he shot you both a disgusting look.

“Please, there’s a lock on the door for a reason.” He rolled his eyes, walking inside and slamming the papers on Erwin’s desk before returning to the door.

“My apologies.” Erwin spoke, making you hold back a laugh at how red his face was from embarrassment.

“Tch, save it. Just lock the fucking door.” Levi shut the door behind him and that’s when a laugh had slipped past your lips.

Erwin was completely flustered, his cheeks heated up and the look of fear knowing Levi had caught the both of you making out. You didn’t find it that much of a big deal, it was Erwin’s office after all- not his fault that Levi didn’t know how to knock.

“Whats so funny?” He raised his eyebrows in amusement at your small fit of giggles as you shook your head.

“It’s funny how flustered you are.”

“I’m not flustered.”

“Hun, your face is more red than a tomato.” You pointed out and he huffed out a breath, moving to sit down at his desk trying to rid of the thoughts of being walked in on.

“C’mon, it’s not that bad. We were just kissing.” You teased, leaning over his desk to place another kiss on his lips and he looked up at you, the small smile edging in his lips.

Erwin remained silent, his large hand reaching up and caressing one of your cheeks as his thumb brushed over you skin slowly. He released another breath, the sight of you instantly making his nerves calm down and the embarrassment slip away.

“Still humiliating.” He said sacrastically, a gentle chuckle leaving his lips and you rolled your eyes.

“Better get over that thought because I’m not finished with you yet.” You mumbled, grabbing a hold of his chin and he had looked at you surprised.

You couldn’t care less about Levi walking in, your main thoughts were still on your boyfriend and the previous thoughts you’ve been having all day and being seen making out wasnt going to stop you from getting what you wanted.

“Oh?” He simply said, collecting his thoughts and finally realizing what you had been talking about and it made him realize why you’ve been zoning out all day. It made sense.

“This time, lock the door.”

Hange:

Now, Hange never cared what anyone thought whether it was about her or her work so she wasn’t ashamed or phased in the slightest when she got into a relationship and she sure wasn’t embarrassed to show it off and to show you off.

But you, on the other hand, were the opposite. You were really shy and awkward when it came to opening up and you were always flustered when it came to the Scouts teasing you about your relationship.

You weren’t embarrassed or ashamed to be with her, you were more than in love with her but you weren’t used to this sort of attention, you’ll admit that she’s actually your first relationship so you were still getting used to it.

You worked under her, being apart of her team and helping her with a lot of research studies she was obsessed with, that was the main reason why you two gotten so close.

As you stood inside her little lab, sitting on a stool and reading over papers while she mumbled to herself about some theory she was testing out. You glanced over at her when her mumbling got louder. Hange is always unaware when she starts talking to herself when working, you thought it was cute.

All of a sudden a loud excited scream left her lips, almost startling you and she jumped up.

“I figured it out!” She laughed more to herself, completely forgetting you were in the room as she grabbed her pen and began to scribble down on her journal.

“Figured what out?” You spoke, your eyes turning back to the paper before you and her eyes shot towards you.

“Something about Eren’s titan form.” She couldn’t hold back the excitement running through her veins as the adrenaline was pumping through, making her more hyper than ever.

She went over to where you were, her arms wrapping around you from behind and she glanced over your shoulder to see what you were reading before sliding it away from your vision.

You turned your head, raising a eyebrow all while the butterflies swarmed your stomach when her grip around you tightened, her lips planting a gentle kiss on your cheek, making your cheeks grow red.

“What?” You asked, noticing how concentrated she was on you and you were almost convinced you had something on your face.

“Nothing nothing, I’m just happy is all.” Her voice was low, making a small smile come across your lips.

Hange couldn’t help the overwhelming amount of love she had for you. She was deeply in love, more than she can explain out loud and it was never her intention to fall for one of her cadets or anyone in the Scouts period.

But the day you came in after the training corps, set on being under her team and wanting to work with her little experiments and loving her theories just as much as she did- she suddenly fell right into that deep hole with you.

She always thought that she would only be in love with her work and her job. She never seen herself with anyone before you only because everyone thought she was crazy for being so obsessive over the Titans and wanting to learn their way of thinking and behavior.

But you, pushed her in the right direction and always gave her good advice and made her feel more confident in her work, even though she was pretty confident before but having you was like a big bonus.

You could tell she had gotten lost in her train of thought again, she always zoned out and thought about you and it was always cute to see. Soon she had snapped out of her, her attention back onto you and she leaned down to press her lips on yours.

It was a soft kiss, definitely meaningful to the both of you. Your hand moved up to cup her cheek to keep her in place, tilting your head and leaning more into her. The small make out session was starting to get heated pretty fast but it ended abruptly when the door had opened, both of your eyes shooting over to the door to see Eren.

“Oh- I’m sorry, I didn’t- I wasn’t- I didn’t see anything.” He stuttered, quickly walking out and shutting the door behind him.

“Don’t worry about it, kid!” Hange shouted as Eren’s face turned bright red, quickly walking down the hallway and away from the room, trying to rid the scene he just witnessed.

She turned to look back at you, your face completely flustered and bright red again. The embarrassment lingered over your head like a rainy cloud and she couldn’t help but laugh at it.

“So humiliating.” You mumbled, shaking your head as you looked down to hide your face considering how hot your skin was.

She quickly grabbed your chin and tilted your head up to look at her, the small smirk on her face had made you almost melt beneath her fingertips. Her lips kissed your red cheek a few times, trying to hold back her laugh.

“Don’t be embarrassed, it’s his fault he barged in here.”

“I’m still embarrassed.”

“Don’t be!”

Anywhooooo, been a long few days. 🥺

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kittydcoxx · 3 years

Text

Stay with Me.

KAEYA X READER.

Warnings: light angst/heartbreak but nothing bad (happy ending)

The tavern was as crowded as usual, and by that meaning almost completely baren for a rainy Wednesday afternoon. As you order a apple cider from Charles, the tavern door bell rings and you instinctively turn to check.

"Ah~ it is pouring out, I need a drink to combat the dissapointment of getting my fur cape wet."

Kaeya. Of course he wasnt the last person you'd expect to see open the tavern doors, he just wasnt much of a "afternoon delight" type drinker. Still, you stare as he tries to cooly swipe off the wet rain from his uniform as he walks towards the counter and takes a seat next to you.

"Well, well! Good afternoon y/n! What a suprise to see a beauty such as yourself here at this hour."

He raises an eyebrow and smirks as he turns to look straight ahead and run his fingers through his hair, not allowing time for you to respond before he has a drink in his hand.

"Afternoon Captain,"

You face him and smirk with the same intensity of flirty-ness as he just had.

"Of course you would be surprised to see me at this hour, you usually drink yourself to sleep before i order a evening drink."

You chuckle and look straight ahead and take a swig of your beverage, the confidence of your little witty come back replays as the cider burns your throat.

"Oh ho, well thats quite the attitude! I must ask, whats the purpose of this?"

"Hmm?"

"The occasion? I've never seen you drink three days in a row, I've been sober enough to pay attention to that."

The truth is, the last few days you've been at a bit of a crossroads. You know you and the Cavalry Captain share feelings, but you have a job offer in Natlan. This job is a dream to you, ever since you were a child. You could never dream of passing this opportunity, but you question if this possible romance could be the first significant one. You've been meaning to bring it up to him, but recently you just havent seen enough of him to bring up the subject. As a result, you turned to the more than occassional drink at the tavern to brighten your mood from the decision that faces you.

"Well then if you're interested, it actually... might concern you."

Your face is flushed red due to nerves, of course it doesnt directly concern him since nothing astronomical has occured in order to absolutely weigh your decision based on a man, but you didnt want to leave without warning.

"I see, well, we haven't..." His cheeks grow the slightest bit red as his eyes skip to look around then back at you.

"we haven't progressed to that yet, have we? I mean, you're not pregnant are you?"

"What?!" You're taken aback by the direct-ness of his statement, about the fact that he thought it could even have been a possibility. Was it confirming your suspicions of him returning feelings? "No, i- its not that! That is out of the question completely!" You yelp as you shake your hands as a frantic meaning of saying "Absolutely no way".

"Of course! of course.. i just figured i'd ask in case, but i guess drinking for a few days regularly isnt particularly healthy for a baby."

You roll your eyes and take another swig. Oh boy.

"It's actually more of an advice thing, i suppose."

"Ah~ well! lets discuss then, hm!" He happily takes a sip of his wine, his face surprisingly relieved.

"So? What do you need the great Master Kaeya's guidance on?" He smiles and giggles slightly.

"Actually, I'd like to take this outside."

"But its raining cats and-"

"Outside. please."

Your tone picks up more aggresively and he gets the memo. He takes one more sip of his beverage and you do the same with yours. You pay Charles and meet Kaeya right at the door.

"Get ready for the rain, sweetheart"

Your heart jumps as he grabs your wrist and swings open the door, pulling you with him down the street, stopping at a small archway behind a building, big enough to comfortably converse without being cramped or drenched.

"Now, where were we?"

"right.. well.." You look down and fidget with your thumbs, only to look back up at him and see him gazing into your eyes, examining your soul and what felt like your heart. Did he already know? It sure felt like it.

"I have a big decision to make, but i want to ask you before i come to a concrete decision."

He nods as a sign to continue talking, acknkowledging his position in helping you decide.

"I might have to move away. To natlan more specifically. I've recieved a dream~ job offer that i simply cant refuse, unless i was faced with new circumstances here in Mondstadt."

"Hm, And how do i play a role in this?" He asks as he folds his arms and leans back against the stone wall.

You explain to him his part, and he lets you talk until you are completely finished. you tell him your feelings, your worries, your doubts, and your hopes. Every single one that included him in the package. He looks at you sternly the whole time, but he looks hurt at the same time and you wonder why.

"Well, i honestly dont know what to say to this y/n. You know i cant leave Mondstadt if we were to persue eachother."

"I know."

"Then why bother telling me? Why not just leave, hm? Before damage could be done? before you told me all this, confirmed my hopes in our relationship but crushed it with the fact that you 'might' leave? You should have just spared me and left!"

He looks emotional and teary eyed, much more that you're used to seeing from a man who held such a cool composure 24/7. Have you hurt him that much? Does he hate you?

"I can always stay if you wan-"

"No. Its your dream job, and you shouldnt pass it off. I just cant promise that i'll wait for you."

He steps closer to you, inches from your face. His breath is warm and it contrasts with the cold rainy air. He slowly takes your hand and hold it in his, then lands a soft passionate kiss onto your lips. A few seconds of the kiss pass and he breaks for air and looks at you, making strong magnetic eye contact with you.

"Y/n, I can't wait for you."

"You dont have to. I can stay."

He runs his hands up your arms and grips firmly onto your shoulders and kisses you again, and when he pulls back he lets out a heavy sigh.

"There's no staying, just be safe. Please."

Your throat swells like a rock is stuck and your eyes burn hot along with your ears. You cant muster any words, you just stand there maintaining a sorrow eye contact for a few seconds.

As you both stare in silence, he slowly lets go of you, and as soon as his hands depart from yours, he turns and walks out and into the road. The further he walks and fades from your vision, the further you slide down the wall until your behind hits the wet floor as you curl up to your knees. Hard, Hot tears stream steadily down your cheeks as you hide your head in your knees, sobbing hard yet silently. Your heart aches and your stomach churns.

You want to run and look for him, grab him by the waist and embrace him in a hug from behind as you cry against his back, but he has already erased you from his plethora of memories as he sulks in his room with a drink. The night is weary and so are you. You walk home, replaying the scene in your mind over and over, and the instant you step into your home, you fall to your knees and sob once more.

You dont even close the door behind you. You cant do anything but cry, you had no idea you felt so strongly for Kaeya, but you had to put it all behind you.

He probably had.

What feels like an hour or two goes by and you barely made it to the couch, where you lay sprawled out, half on the couch and half not as you stare into empty space, thinking of nothing but everything at once. Why did his mood snap so quickly? Why did he cut you off? Was it self defense? What could he gain by pushing you away? You had no clue, but you didn't want to dwell on it and start crying again, so you just lay there trying to fall asleep.

Suddenly, a warm, slender hand grazes your back and rubs up and down softly.

"I'm sorry."

You jolt a little, but you dont get up immediately.

"How long have you been like this? Its almost night again y/n. Have you gotten up at all!? Your door was wide open, I was worried."

No response from you as you try to analyze the voice. It sounds like Kaeya, but you had remind yourself that he wanted nothing to do with you.

The man sighs and walks away. A hallucination for sure, you thought. The male comes back and lifts you by the shoulders. He sits on the couch and then lays your head onto his lap.

You look up and are met with blue eyes, one scarred and one as normal as you're used to seeing on him, though both glossy as if about to cry.

"Kaeya?"

"Mhm. Sit up Darling, you need to drink water."

You obey and sit close beside him, sipping the water he hands you with both hands on the glass like a child. He puts his arm around you and his hand on your head and gives you a soft yet quite long kiss on the head as you finish your water.

"Im sorry. We can work something out. I know that i shouldn't.. I can't push you away."

You dont fight his embrace as it gets firmer, and his body trembles slightly as if he is crying.

"Do you want me to stay?" you ask sheepishly.

"My dear, its up to you what you want. I'll follow you in whatever you decide. Im choosing to persue you, the rest is yours to seal."

"I want to stay." you state calmly.

"As you wish." He eyes your empty glass of water and gets up to pour you some more. When he comes back you sit against him again, and drink the glass empty, then put the glass on the coffee table and lay your head on his lap.

"Sleepy?"

"Mhm.."

He chuckles and holds you as you fall asleep, giving you tender kisses all over your face. When you fall asleep, he carries you bridal style upstairs to your room and tucks you into your bed. For a moment he stands there and ponders leaving you to rest, but the guilt of the words he said yesterday and seeing your state today convinced him to stay at your side. He walks to the other side of the bed and crawls in beside you, wrapping his arms around your waist and gives you one more peck before falling asleep.

You wake up once in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and when you come back to your room you're awake enough to process the fact that Kaeya was indeed in your bed. You crawl up into where you were in the bed before but this time facing him. You run your fingers along his face, feeling every bone and inch of his smooth skin, his tan beauty enhanced by the glow of the moonlight that peeked in through the window across the room from the bed. Your run your fingers down his hair and admire how his hair falls down his body. You've only been this close to him once, but never had you touched him like this. Your face was red and your smile was definitely pronounced, and as you stroke his cheek his eyes slowly open to see your expression.

"Good morning y/n~" he smiles and wraps his arms around you softly.

"How did you sleep?"

"Actually, its midnight."

"Oh, i see. Well, lets fall back asleep shall we? Or are you wide awake?"

You don't respond immediately but instead wrap your arms around him and hide your face in the crook of his neck.

"Back to sleep.."

He chuckles and brings you closer to his body, rubbing your back and stroking your hair until you both are hazy and about to fall asleep.

"I love you..." you whisper, half aware of what you just said and half not.

He pauses for a second, then gently squeezes your body as if to be his response back.

"I love you too.." he whispers back, his words echo in your mind as you drift to sleep, your dreams filled with nothing but happiness and him.

You would stay in Mondstadt, but occasionally take trips to Natlan for a few weeks, and would try to take Kaeya with you if he wasn't too busy. The two of you became inseperable, and quite the item for some time, the story of your romance left most who heard it in tears.

After every time you tell the story, he grips your hand and grabs your face softly making you look into his eye.

"I'm glad you stayed."

He says as he pulls you in for a tender kiss, which is usually embarrassing in public but you dont mind in this case, because it was of genuine emotion and not of his flirtatious teasing.

You really do love him.

NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!

This was my first fanfic LMAO

#genshin impact kaeya #kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya #kaeya alberich #kaeya genshin impact #genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #diluc x reader #diluc ragnvindr #genshin zhongli #zhongli x reader #tartagalia x reader #Spotify

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siserary933043 · 3 years

Text

Caravan of love

God I need a cigarette! I gasped as I collapsed, exhausted, at the top of the small mountain my team had just hiked up in the Lake District.

Youre supposed to be setting us a good example. Khalid laughed as he flopped down next to me quickly followed by his two schoolmates.

Fu…To Hell with that! I laughed, I deserve one after a walk like that.

Still laughing at me puffing and panting the boys whispered something, then Khalid turned to me and asked nervously; Do you really want a smoke?

I was supposed to have given up…but…yes… at this minute I would absolutely love one. I replied.

Jonny, he turned to his friend, give her one.

Id love to; but will a fag do? The good looking teenager giggled.

When the penny dropped that Khalid had made an innuendo the laughter got even louder.

You boys will get me the sack! I chided them as I took the cigarette from the packet. Jonny knelt beside me as he lit it in his best James Bond manner.

Youre leaving anyway, the other boy, Fletcher, corrected me.

He was correct; this was my last day as a teacher in the UK and I was only doing this course as a favour to the Headmaster.

Im Nina and Im a 25yr old supply teacher in the North of England. Because I was sick of not knowing which school Id be at from one week to the next I was catching a train home to Bishop Stortford the next afternoon after Id safely put my three teenage charges on the coach home to Newcastle. Id been at this school 7 times in the last three years and had developed a good reputation among the pupils and staff, but knew that there was no chance that Id ever get a full-time job.

Every year twelve schools from the Newcastle area take part in an outward bound competition in the Lake District spread over four days. The Headmaster at Ponteland Comprehensive, where Id been teaching since January, was desperate for his school to do well for once; but Mr. Winnet who was meant to be in charge of a team of four had hurt his back so I was corralled into spending four days climbing hills, canoeing, orienteering and walking through rivers with three hormonally challenged 15 year olds while getting paid for it!

I already knew the three boys in the team from my time as their stand-in Maths teacher and hadnt had any real problems with them; even though they were all from the notorious Darras Hall Estate. These three were regarded as ‘saveable by the Headmaster and the course was their reward for 100% attendance and working hard.

Im a naturally sporty type of girl; so with my help and leadership we had been ‘neck and neck with Scotswood Grammar School and climbing this hill in the fastest time meant that we were the Champions!

Youd better finish that quick, miss! Jonny shouted, Walker Academy is nearly here.

Khalid and I took a last puff from our cigarettes and made a drama out of stubbing them out and wafting away the tell-tale smell of smoke, although there was a gale nearly blowing us away.

I grinned and shook my head when I read the sticker on the boys caravan door – ‘If the caravans a-rockin; dont come aknockin! Hardly appropriate for a group of schoolboys; I thought.

Whats going on here? I asked as I suspiciously sniffed the air in their caravan when I went to collect them to go to the evening meal and presentation.

Nothing, Miss. They all chimed in unison.

If thats what I think it is, you really will get me sacked. I tried not to grin as I definitely smelt dope in the air.

The boys didnt admit to anything and we made our way across the muddy field to the main building. It was quite a distance as we had been allocated two caravans at the far end of a large field; the other schools had large tents closer to the main building and toilet block.

You look nice miss. Khalid told me as we walked past the other schools tents.

Thank you, I smiled in appreciation, a girl never knows what her luck will be like in a place like this.

I did actually; even though I was wearing a nice short denim skirt and a fitted zip-up hooded top there was absolutely no way I was going to pull on my last night as an English school teacher. The best looking guy was obviously gay and the other teachers and the instructors all looked down their noses at my team as they were from a rough council estate that didnt fit into their ‘elite club.

After dinner and the short ceremony we tried to mingle with some of the other teams but when I had to stop Jonny from hitting a taller boy from Scotswood I thought that a tactical retreat was called for.

Have you got any of that stuff left that I didnt smell earlier? I asked Khalid as I pinned Jonny to the wall as a teacher from Jesmond led a whimpering boy away claiming that Jonny was ‘going to kill him.

He nervously looked at Jonny who was their natural leader; then nodded nervously, Why Miss?

I think that this young man needs to relax and, if memory serves me right, that should do the trick!

Youre cool, Miss, Fletcher told me, with a lop-sided grin, for a teacher!

I asked what he meant by that and the boys all told me why they liked me above all of the other teachers as we wandered back to their caravan.

The boys were being trusted not to wreck the van as they should have been chaperoned by Mr Winnet but he had got the train home earlier in the day.

As Khalid unlocked the door he turned and grinned, Weve got some booze too!

Why am I not surprised? I chuckled as I took a seat in the middle of the bay window.

Khalid brought his large rucksack in from the bedroom as Jonny produced a tin with 5 spliffs in it from his.

I shook my head in mild disbelief as they poured large measures of vodka into tumblers and topped it up with coke from the ceremony.

Where did this come from? I asked as I put the glass to my lips, I know you didnt bring it with you; we checked your bags.

This morning; when you were putting Winnet on the train, he grinned mischievously, I robbed two bottles and some cider out of the shop over the road.

The boys let out a cheer as I shook my head in mock disbelief.

Jonny opened his tin and offered me one of the spliffs.

Id rather have a ciggie if someone has one. I shrugged my shoulders, Ill have one of those later!

As we sipped the vodka and coke the boys bombarded me with questions: ‘Did I have a boyfriend? ‘Why was I leaving? ‘What was my home town like? ‘What was university like? ‘Had I ever taken drugs? ‘Did I have any tattoos or piercings?

It was fun talking to them and I tried to be as honest as possible as they genuinely wanted to know what life was like away from their town. I admitted to smoking dope and occasionally dropping a couple of Es and I had three tattoos; showing them the Angel on my shoulder and the Celtic design on my lower back but letting them guess where the other one was.

When Id finished my large glass of vodka and coke we all lit up the spliffs…WOW…Id forgotten how good that stuff could be and how powerful.

My head was spinning when Fletcher handed me a second large glass of vodka.

My legs were now curled underneath and I began asking about their lives. It wasnt long before they started talking about girls.

As the drink and dope began to take effect we were all in a giggly mood and the boys became braver as they talked about the girls and other female teachers in very personal terms.

I began by admitting to being quite wild at University but not actually telling them exactly what Id done – just letting them guess; which was fun.

The boys quickly became excited when I didnt blush or rein them in so their questions soon became very sexy and personal.

‘Did I play with myself? ‘Did I use sex toys? ‘Had I ever been with another girl? ‘Had I ever seen a porn film? ‘Do you suck cock, Miss?

Without hesitating I replied, Yes or of course, to just about everything.

The boys were all grinning and had twinkles in their eyes as they continued asking me about my sex life and confessed to all sorts of things that theyd been getting up to with the girls at school who Id previously thought relatively innocent! How wrong I was!

Jonny told me that Nadia gave the best blow-jobs because her tongue was pierced but Carly would let them cum on her face.

Apparently at least five girls in 5c, including both Thompson twins, had shaved their pubes off! I couldnt remember if I even had pubes at that age!

Their dirty language and descriptions were now making me very, very horny and I was beginning to think I should leave them as I really needed to frig myself.

What do girls think about when they play with themselves? Fletcher asked.

All sorts, I guess. I answered then took a draw on the last spliff that Khalid had passed to me.

Like fantasies? he continued.

Yes, I raised my eyebrows in mock amazement, girls have sexy fantasies just like guys.

All three looked genuinely amazed and it was only then that I remembered how young and immature they really were.

So what are your fantasies Miss? Jonny asked me.

Ooh, I couldnt possibly say. I said as coyly as possible.

I nearly gave the game away when Khalid immediately started talking about him and his elder brother roasting a girl as her 15th birthday present.

By this time I was permanently squirming in my seat and I was sure that Jonny and Khalid were looking up my skirt and could see my red panties. They certainly made no attempt to hide their bulges that where poking through their jogging pants as they moved into the corner of the sofa for a clearer look.

Im going to have to go for a wank now! Jonny snorted as he thrust his hands inside his pants and finally adjusted his hard dick. I uncurled my legs to make myself more comfortable; making sure that they got an unobstructed flash of my soaking knickers and hopefully some of my gash as I knew my pussy would be sucking the gusset in.

Would you like me to do that for you? I smiled.

The poor kid didnt know what to do or say.

Im serious, I beamed, as I took another slurp of vodka, do you want me to wank you off?

The boys nervously looked at each other, unable to comprehend what Id just said.

I manoeuvred until I was kneeling on the sofa and facing the 15 year old schoolboys.

Oh come on guys, I pleaded as I slowly unzipped my top, youve got to know how horny youve made me.

The boys were still silent but now grinning madly.

Ill show you mine if youll show me yours. I giggled as I took my top off then seductively cupped and stroked my tits through my pale blue lacy Wonderbra.

Ive always had nice tits…no thats not quite right…I have fucking lovely tits…everyone says so! They are medium sized (32b), firm and pliable clay and my nipples poke up to the sky. They have passed ‘the pencil test several times!

Jonny shrugged his shoulders and pulled the waistband of his pants down with one hand and waved his prick at me with the other.

Mmmm, that looks nice. I purred as I unhooked my bra and let it fall to the caravan floor. Do you like my tits?

The boys nervously nodded. Jonny and Khalid were still in front of me but Fletcher was sitting slightly behind getting a good view of my arse as well as a side view of my tits.

Get your cocks out and Ill show you my tattoo! I teased as I unbuttoned the side of my skirt.

Khalid quickly whipped his out closely followed by Fletcher. Their cocks looked gorgeous; Khalids was about 6 inches long and quite thick and a lot darker than his olive skin – I couldnt wait to suck it! Jonnys was about the same length but not as fat and Fletchers was short and fat – just like him.

I could feel the sweat running down my back as I stood up and let my skirt fall to the floor. The boys couldnt take their eyes off me as I slowly pulled the front of my knickers down so that they could see my hairy pie and my little red devil tattoo but not quite everything.

I dropped my chin onto my chest, fluttered my eyelashes as innocently as possible and told them, Well, Ive seen yours…would you like to see mine?

Fuck yes! Fletcher gasped as he stroked his cock. Actually they were all slowly masturbating in a well practiced manner. Thats another thing about me…I love watching guys play with themselves…as long as there is some left for me.

It took a tug to prize my knickers out of my sticky pussy but Khalids jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw the long string of juice that was stuck to the gusset!

I slowly looked around the caravan at my three students. They were like putty in my hands as they devoured my naked body with their eyes – they were going to be my sexual play-things for the rest of the night.

Do you still want me to …wank you off? I suggestively licked my lips and met Jonnys gaze, or would you like me suck it?

Ooh, Miss…suck me off…PLEASE MISS! Jonny pleaded.

I rested my knee on the seat and leant forward, jiggling my tits for him when I gently wrapped my fingers around his hot pink shaft. Perhaps it was stage-fright but it wasnt as hard now as when he had first flashed it at me; but I would soon put that right.

Does that feel good? I asked. The boy grinned and nodded. Lets see if the Teachers better at sucking cocks than her pupils?

Ahughaghaghooohhh. He groaned when I covered his swollen plum and kept on pushing until his squishy cock filled my mouth and my chin touched his hairy bollocks.

God his young cock tasted lovely…all hot and sweaty just how I like them. Years of practice came in useful as I began fucking his cock with my mouth as I breathed through my nose. Just as I hoped it instantly began to stiffen and filled my mouth so I had to eventually let most of it glide out so I could suck him comfortably and stroke his shaft and balls.

My head was spinning as I put on a show for his friends; slurping and sucking his dick like a porn actress.

Squeeze my tits! I whispered in between slurps.

Jonny slid his hand around my neck and began caressing my breast; making me gasp when he touched the nipple.

Squeeze them harder! I pleaded, Dig your fingers into my tits!

Oh fuck! he gasped but obeyed, digging his nails into my flesh and shaking my puppies like a kitten with a ball of wool.

When I felt his balls tighten and his breathing became shallower I tightly gripped the base of his shaft and making sure my breath engulfed his knob I looked up into his glazed eyes.

Miss! Im cumming! He warned me, MISS! My balls are aching…Im cumming!

Do you want to cum on the Teachers face? I teased Youd like that wouldnt you? Spunking all over her face!

Yes, yes, yes! He winced and manically nodded his head as I flicked my tongue across his japs-eye.

Go on then, I whispered as I furiously rubbed his shaft and aimed his piss-hole at my face.

I too was now squealing with delight as he tried to pull my nipple out of its roots when the first jet of hot teenage spunk splashed across my face, then another and the third landed in my eye.

Oh God! Oh fucking God…Miss! He gasped as I sucked the last dregs of salty spunk out of his cock.

Delirious with desire I raised myself up onto my feet. As his spunk dripped down my face I asked, Who wants to be next?

Me Miss! Me Miss! Fletcher shouted as he raised his arm in the air for attention, forgetting that he wasnt in class.

I picked my knickers off the floor and wiped the excess cum off my face then lay down next to him with my face in his lap.

His short stubby cock looked lovely as I licked some bitter pre-cum out of his tip.

As I stroked his cock I turned to the other two, I need one of you to lick my cunt.

They both looked shocked that Id used the C word. It hadnt dawned on me that the boys and I had probably used every other word in the dictionary during our sexy chat but at this moment in time it wasnt a vagina or a pussy between my legs it was a CUNT a hot and horny CUNT that needed a good tonguing.

Jonny instantly knelt on the floor and pulled my legs apart; staring at my hot pink gash.

Ive never done this before, Miss. What do I do? He looked at me excitedly.

Just lick it like its an ice cream then, I told him as I pulled the sticky flaps apart to expose my clitoris which was sticking out like a third nipple, then flick your tongue like crazy over that.

Ill try my best miss. He said in a soft voice. Even the boys calling me ‘Miss was becoming such a fucking turn-on!

Oooooohhhhh yeesssss! I moaned when he made his tongue glide up my groove.

He was a fucking natural; his untrained tongue lapped up my love juices and he sucked on my labia as his fingers stroked and caressed the inside of my thighs and the crack of my arse.

After a minute or so I bent over to greedily eat Fletchers fat prick. We moaned and groaned in unison as his cock fit perfectly into my mouth and Jonnys tongue fit perfectly into my sopping cunt.

Yeh….yeh…yeh…yeh! Fletcher kept gasping as he twirled my around his fingers as my mouth created a vacuum around his dick.

Without using words I made him spread his legs so I could get a tight grip on his hairless sack while I bobbed my head and swirled my tongue around the purple knob.

Oohya! I yelped when Jonnys tongue suddenly touched my clit making me jump and I let the cock slip out of my mouth.

YES….YES…YES! I cried out, Finger me! Finger me!

Jonny dutifully poked my twat with a long middle finger giving me a little bit of relief as I returned to my oral administrations on his fat friend.

Fletcher grabbed two handfuls of hair and began bouncing in his seat as he fucked my mouth. I met each thrust with a bob of my head as Jonny did wonderful things to my cunt and clit with his fingers and tongue.

My whole body seemed to convulse as I gave and received oral at both ends.

Aaaaaggghhh! Fletcher gasped as he neared orgasm.

More fingers! I shouted to Jonny as my own fingers furiously wanked the fat cock until it showered my face with thick lumpy spunk.

He inserted a second then a third finger and viciously licked my throbbing clit until I panted for air then WOW!!!! A mind blowing orgasm flooded my body. I didnt scream or cry out like I usually do…I just grinned myself silly as the sweetest feeling in the world engulfed my whole being as Fletcher covered my lips with solid globules of sticky cum.

My orgasm left me shattered so I flopped back against the cushions and gently stroked my tingling cunt for their amusement.

Khalid was now standing naked in the middle of the floor stroking a stiffy that looked like it was going to burst.

Come here baby, I whispered and patted the cushion nearest my head, and Teacher will take care of that ache for you!

He didnt need telling twice and was soon waving his dark uncut cock in front of my face. I couldnt wait either and immediately filled my mouth with my third rock hard teenage cock.

My tits…my tits! I moaned, Do what Jonny did and squeeze Teachers titties for her…nice and hard…hurt me!

His hairy olive fingers were soon mauling my mounds as I sucked his dark pipe for him.

Oh yes…thats good! I grunted with a mouth full of cock as he stretched my pink rosebud nipples as far as they would go, making me suck the life out of his young dong.

As the third boy to get his cock sucked I knew that he wouldnt last as long as the others and I was right. Khalid soon grabbed my head and forced his long thin dick past my tonsils and came straight into the back of my throat and down my neck.

I was now insatiable and judging by the three hard cocks that were in front of me so were they!

Now… fuck me! I called to Jonny as I lay flat on my back and spread my legs for my young lover, curling one ankle over the back cushion so that my hairy cunt was on show to the whole world.

With a huge grin on his face he knelt between my splayed legs and eagerly guided his six inches of throbbing cock into my willing hole.

Ooohhh yes baby! I panted as his cock filled me up, does that feel good fucking your teacher?

Yes Miss it does, he chuckled as he began thrusting his hips and forcing his cock into my belly, Its fucking…fucking amazing!

My head was shaking from side to side and I was playing with my over sensitive tits as Jonny proved to me that he hadnt been lying about fucking lots of girls at his tender age…he was quite a swordsman.

Fuck her mouth, Jonny told the others, one of you fuck her mouth…lets roast her!

The smile on my face would have lit up London when Khalid suddenly appeared next to my face and forced his cock past my lips for a second time.

I was in raptures as Jonny forced my legs back until my knees touched my tits making his long thick cock tickle the inside of my belly and the darker boy grasped two large handfuls of my mousey brown hair as he wildly fucked my mouth and throat. All I had to do was lie back and enjoy it as they now treat me as their sexual plaything for nearly fifteen minutes.

Jonny hadnt cum and sweat was pouring from his face when Fletcher begged him ‘for a go!

Okay, he panted, but Im not finished with her.He had hardly pulled his cock out when Fletcher lunged forward.

Wait! I gasped as I pushed Khalid away from my face, let me get on top…I want to cum again.

I positioned Fletcher so he was sitting on the sofa and I straddled him. His thick cock felt wonderful as it stretched my aching cunt. I quickly accustomed myself to his girth and rocked backwards and forward rubbing my clit against his pubic bone as I squashed my tits against his face.

The other two wandered off and opened the bottle of cider as I fucked their fat friend within an inch of his life!

No matter what I did to him; I couldnt cum. I bounced on his cock, I ground down hard, I twisted and rotated, I fucked him fast and I fucked him slow – nothing! I kept getting close but nothing.

I was becoming desperate when I spotted Jonny and Khalid whispering conspiratorially; then giggling like the teenagers that they were.

Jonny stood on the sofa and edged towards me waving his flaccid cock in front of my face. I didnt need asking twice and hungrily gobbled his young meat as I bounced on the fat cock in my cunt.

Id been with two guys at University once and had dreamt of doing it again; never dreaming that it would be with school kids; but tonight it seemed so much sexier and dirtier than in my fantasies; especially because they called it ‘spit-roasting.

If fucking and sucking two cocks was exciting Khalid soon moved the action up a gear!

As I ground my pussy down onto Fletchers cock Khalid began shaking my tits with one hand and stroking and nipping my arse with his other.

Go on. Jonny urged him as he held my head while I sucked and licked his rock hard shaft.

Khalid nervously ran a finger between my arse cheeks and hovered a finger tip over my anus as he rolled my nipple between his fingers then tugged on it just the way I liked.

Go on! Jonny was becoming agitated, Shes not stopping you, is she?

Without any warning he jabbed a bony finger past my sphincter and about in inch or more slid inside my arse making me gasp…with pleasure!

Ugh…ugh…good. I gurgled.

I fucking told you she would like it! Jonny admonished his young friend. Khalid soon realised that I was enjoying having his finger up my arse while the other two ‘roasted me he soon began twisting my nipples and finger fucking my arse with two fingers.

Fletcher broke off from suckling my tit to ask; have you ever been water-tight Miss?

What? I asked as Jonny sat on the top of the cushion watching the action.

Airtight you dozy cunt! The good looking boy laughed, Airtight!

I shook my head and raised my eyebrows to let him know I still didnt know what he meant.

There was a look of surprise then delight on his face as he told me; you take three cocks at once…one in each hole.

Id never heard of such a thing but the crazy grin on my face must have told him that I wanted to try it…NOW!

Right…get up bollocks face, Jonny said as he slapped Fletcher on the shoulder, lets change places.

We took a moment or two to decide who was going where and which would be the most comfortable way to perform this lewd sexual act.

As I gulped down a belly full of cool cider, we agreed that I would fuck Jonny, suck Fletcher and because he had the thinnest cock; Khalid would be the first to fuck my arse!

I was shaking with excitement as I fed Jonnys 6 inches into my well fucked cunt. When I was comfortable Khalid lined the tip of his dick against my puckered anus and spit a gobful of saliva between my cheeks as lubrication. I clung onto Jonny as Khalid slowly worked his cock into my virgin arse-hole.

Agh…ugh…ooh! I grunted through gritted teeth as my arse felt as if it was being torn in two.

Oh shit! The boys gasped in unison.

I can feel your fucking dick touching mine! Jonny giggled as only a thin membrane separated to hard cocks inside my body.

After making sure that the boys wouldnt budge I slowly rotated my hips and gently moved my arse so that their cocks moved a little bit as I became acclimatised to the feeling of being full beyond belief.

Okay, I nervously told them, but be gentle with me.

Thankfully Jonnys position meant that he couldnt be as forceful as he would have liked to be and my arsehole was too tight for Khalid to fuck too fast so I was soon nearly hallucinating with sexual elation.

After a couple of minutes I began to relax and the three of us began moving with a bit more freedom making me groan and moan and gasp and giggle with gratification.

Now…now! I gasped and nodded to Fletcher, Im ready…make me airtight!

Fletcher shuffled along the sofa and placed his purple knob on my bottom lip. I nodded my head and his fat cock stretched my mouth and jaw.

I snorted and gagged but I wasnt going to stop now! I could feel my poop-chute stretch and loosen up with every thrust from Khalid and the more relaxed I became the harder Jonny banged his cock into my cunt from down below.

Fireworks were soon going off in my head and clitoris as I began spontaneously orgasming. Little ones, big ones, short ones long ones…one after another untilI was just hanging on to the boys…like a limp rag.

Yes…yes…YES! Khalid wheezed as he rammed his dick into my arse like a fucking piston then suddenly stopped as he filled my shit-hole with his cream. His cock came out of my arse a lot easier than it went in!

Get off me! Jonny demanded as soon as the other boy stepped away. I want to fuck

your arse.

He virtually pushed me away in his haste to bugger me. As soon as he was standing behind me he forced me back onto my knees and spread my cheeks to view his friends handiwork.

Oh man, he exhaled noisily, that looks so fucking sweet…look… your spunks still coming out!

I was now trembling with anticipation as Jonny tentatively nudged his fat cockhead against my tingling anus. Khalid had stretched my poop-chute but Jonnys cock was definitely fatter and it still wasnt that easy for him to get his knob past my sphincter.

Aaaaahhhgggggg! I howled as he finally plunged his dick into my arse. As soon as the knob entered the rest just slid in like greased lightening. AaaaaaAAAGGGGHHHHHH you bastard! I screamed again when he began fucking my arse as hard as he had my cunt, but it didnt stop him.

I was biting my lip and had my face buried into a cushion to stifle the pain as he pummelled my arse with his thick six inches. The pain was becoming unbearable and electrifying so I didnt want him to stop.

Oh Jonny, Jonny, Jonny!I cried with tears of joy running down my face, Harder baby…harder…fuck my arse…fuck the teachers arse!

The teenager was now grunting like a wild animal as he revelled in the discomfort he was causing me.

Thats it…yes…yes…yes! he groaned as he speeded up just before he too filled my anal cavity with lovely teenage spunk.

When he withdrew his cock I could feel my hole gaping open and the overflowing spunk running down my thighs.

Its your turn now. Jonny wheezed and pushed Fletcher with the extra wide cock forward.

My arse was already stinging from the two buggerings Id just had but when Fletch pushed his fat mushroom in I gasped and felt like Id died and gone to Heaven. This boy was in no hurry and fucked my arse very slowly – each stroke nearly turning it inside out.

Oh baby, baby, I whined, that feels so fucking good. Youre making Teachers arse very, very sore and I fucking love it!

As the other two boys sat in front of me taking it in turns to feed their cocks into my mouth I panted, Thats it…faster…faster…fill my arse with your hot spunk…go on do it!

Hearing my husky voice sent him over the top and I felt my arse get warmer as he filled it with hot spunk.

Over the next hour or so the boys fucked me in every combination imaginable.

When I eventually collapsed, exhausted on the floor, my arse had been fucked ragged and my cunt was nearly worn out and my jaw was aching so much I could hardly speak; but I didnt care…this was the fucking of a fucking lifetime.

Id heard about the staying power of young boys but…shit… these boys were out of this fucking world.

I could hardly move the next morning when I woke up in a sleeping bag next to Jonny. I pulled on my top and skirt and hobbled to the shower block like John Wayne after a 200 mile horse ride.

I stood shivering with aches and pains under the hot shower; hardly able to wash myself as I relived the previous evenings events over and over and over again in my head.Pangs of guilt struck me as I got dressed in my tiny caravan but I reminded myself that the boys had promised to keep what we did a secret (hardly likely – I know) and after all in five days I would be on the other side of the world starting a new life in New Zealand.

https://www.superbestaudiofriends.org/index.php?members/olevridis.10679/#info

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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I finally got to go to work at my new site! And I really like it! But today felt like a really long day. I havent worked 7 hours in a row for a while. So I am pretty tired.

I had a really hard time last night. I was really emotional and I didnt feel good still. I cried a bunch and I just felt really dumb for feeling so sad for no reason. So sleep did not come easy.

But I woke up in a better mood. It was a very grey day. And as I was getting washed up and dressed it started snowing again.

The apartment was incredibly hot. The heaters worked to well today. But it was cold outside. I had to leave here really early to go get fingerprinted and I was nervous about driving. And while I feel a lot better, my cough has gotten more annoying. Its just like a tickle that happens in the back of my throat and its very embarrassing because there is a pandemic happening around a cough!! So I try to keep it in and then I choke and sound insane. But I got washed up and dressed and said goodbye to James and sweetP and off I went into the wet world.

The snow was very pretty. But still a little scary to be out in. It was mostly just wet though. I got to the finger printing place and had trouble finding the front door but I did it and helped the uber eats guy find the door too. We were both confused.

The girl who did my prints was very nice and it was nice talking to her. I didnt have to pay because it was for the Y so that was cool. And it was a quick process. And soon enough I was back out into the snow. Wishing I had a hat and different shoes.

I went home and it was still early. I dont love starting work at 11. As it cuts into my art and lazy morning time. But It was only 930. So I had breakfast and watched a video. I worked on a new loom. And listened to James lead their very first substitute teaching class! It was super cute hearing them talking to the kids and I just felt all proud and bubbly about it.

I wish I could have stayed and listen longer. But soon enough it was time to walk to my new job.

And it wasnt a bad walk. I brought an umbrella, as the snow was wet and heavy. It would soon turn to ice and rain though so the site stayed open. All good. It is actually a really easy walk. And it turned out when I got lost the other day I was only one street over. I dont know how I had gotten lost but I made it there with no trouble at all.

I got inside and they showed me where the academic support area was. And I got to meet the people Ive been texting with and everyone was so nice! I had a really nice day actually! Its a much smaller group, closer to my PAL location. And there were even a few kids from my last site there! So that was a nice surprise.

I had to do some waiting and while I did I ended up buying a chair on Instagram from a local antique store and its super strange. It's a dressing chair and James is gonna pick it up for me tomorrow. I'm very excited.

I spent the first hour getting acclimated and showed around. Signing things and filling out paperwork. I was a little annoyed because all the paperwork I had gotten together and printed for the last site somehow got lost again and because I dont have access to it on my phone or tablet I would have to wait until I got home to sort it out so that was dragging on me. But honestly. It was a great time.

The kids are sweet. But it was a long day and filling in that time was hard. Especially because I was feeling a little run down. I did get to lead a art project and that was a great way to introduce myself. This site lets the kids watch some movies during lunch and pick up time. And we did multiple little projects in the afternoon and went to the gyms to run around. We had peaches and cheez its for a snack and I really enjoyed the peaches. I should buy peaches more.

I really like my coworkers though so thats pretty great. The one is a woman and Im only with her for the first hour, but she seems nice. The other I am with for most of the day and he made me feel really cool but it was also because he seemed really cool. And I hope we can work together well. We brainstormed some art projects and other project ideas. And he's much more into the physical stuff then me so it was fun to watch him come up with games and things in the gym. I played catch with some girls. I did try to do the lead stretching he had but I got a crazy charlie horse in my side that scared me so I stopped after the first couple stretches. I dont know what happened but I hope it doesnt happen again.

The end of the day I was just cleaning and making plans for tomorrows project. Im going to try to get them to sew. Well see how it goes. But I have a good feeling. Its a young group but not to immature. I think it will be good.

I was happy to go home though when the last kid got picked up. My new coworkers are a little nervous about me walking home which is very sweet of them. But the sun was still out and there were lots of street lights. And I was home quick.

James had put together snacks for me so I wouldnt get an upset belly while waiting for dinner. I got the best partner. We had little pizzas for dinner. And as we were cleaning up got a frantic call that apparently a pipe from our apartment was leaking into the girls below us. Aw man. So it was a frantic figure out where that water was coming from and James figured out it was coming from the sink. So we had to turn the water off there whille I ran downstairs to talk to our neighbors and get some duct tape. Mr Will is going to come in the morning to check it out. But water damage is my nightmare so I was a little unsettled.

Once we got it sorted out things felt okay. I went and did some organizing in my studio. Worked on some art. And now I am on the couch being sad about my mouth hurting but also just enjoying listening to James play monster of the week with their friends and weaving a beautiful story and it just makes me laugh and its great.

Now I am going to wash up and get in bed. I hope its an easy sleep. For you as well. Goodnight everyone! Be safe out there.

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neganandblake · 5 years

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I think I liked you better when you didn’t have a knife in your hand, Peaches... Chapter 199 - The Ghost

When Blake finds herself sold out to the Saviours by her abusive fiancé, she realises that she’s certainly not on her own anymore and finds an unlikely friend in Negan. And Negan does NOT like men who beat their girlfriends, one tiny bit….

(Masterlist can be found on my page.)

Chapter 199 - The Ghost

[Negan is still mad about the fact that Nick is sniffing around Blake at every chance he gets, and we all know that petty Negan is never a good thing. But when Blake takes a walk down to the kitchens, something she sees there is about to bring back some memories she wished had stayed buried...

——————

The wind and the sleet had arrived soon after Negan had left the garden that afternoon.

It couldn't even be called a storm, but even so, each and every one of the Sanctuary windows seemed to rattle and shake, causing each resident to give an involuntary shiver every time they heard the wind battering against the window panes.

The last run was due to arrive back later that night, but in the meantime, Negan had put a stop to anyone else leaving with the weather as it was.

As much as people presumed he was a hard-ass, he wasn't about to risk any of his best men out there in conditions like that.

It was late evening now, and Negan was still in a foul mood since his run in with Blake and Nick earlier today.

He had relegated himself to the rec room for the afternoon, lazing across the large sofas and smoking away half a pack of cigarettes he had stashed away for an occasion such as this, daydreaming about what it would be like to ring that fucking asshole's Nick's neck.

But as pissed as Negan was, he knew he would have to see Peaches at some point and probably grovel.

Yeah he was fully aware of how much of a prick he'd been. But shit, he wouldn't have had to say any of that shit if Nick hadn't been standing there, a fucking smirk plastered all over his goddamn face.

Oh how Negan wished he could have wiped that smug smile from that mother-fucker's lips, right there, right then.

Negan could hear Blake's soft voice on the other side of the cherry wood by the time he finally reached the door to his and Blake's room up on the third floor.

Knowing he couldn't do anything about the obvious smell of cigarette smoke that clung to him, Negan turned the handle and went inside.

Blake was there of course, perched on the edge of their large bed, as was Mia, the blonde tucking her up beneath the covers snuggly.

Negan knew how much the kid hated any kind of storm, and so Blake had blatantly made the sensible choice of letting her sleep in with them tonight, rather than get woken up by Mia's crying in the early hours from next-door.

Both girls looked up as he entered and closed the door behind himself with small snap.

Blake still looked completely unimpressed, glowering at him over her slender shoulder.

"You decided to quit being an asshole yet?" she asked coolly, turning back to Mia and smoothing the bedcovers down over her middle.

Negan pursed his lips together and moved over to the couch.

"Ass-howl'," Mia repeated with a giggle.

But Blake quickly gave a tut, turning her attention to the little girl.

"No, we don't say that, baby. That's a bad word," she muttered, before glancing back to Negan.

"Bat Mommy gowt to say it," grumbled Mia, folding her chubby arms huffily over her teeny chest.

"Ain't bein' an asshole, Peaches," uttered Negan irritably, removing his jacket in much the same manner and tossing it haphazardly down onto the leather couch.

Was he really being an asshole just for not wanting to watch some other guy lusting over his damn girl?

"An' Daddy say it!" Mia huffed again, sounding annoyed at the injustice of it all.

"Could've fooled me," Blake snapped, shaking her head and scowling at him. "So, what? You got a problem with me being down in the garden's now is that it? Don't think I'm doing a good enough job down there or something?"

The blonde woman sounded hurt, her green eyes searching his face for any hint to what he had meant by his earlier outburst down in the lots outside.

A wave of guilt, at this, hit Negan hard.

Shit, he had never fucking wanted to make Blake feel this way. But this was all because of that asshole Nick.

Negan was sick to the goddamn back teeth of him sniffing around Blake any chance he got.

"Well it ain't like you haven't got enough help down there, is it, Peaches?" Negan bit, turning away from her and pulling off his boots one by one, dumping them on the floor next to the sofa before making for the bathroom.

But behind him he heard Blake get to her feet and follow him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked sounding angry now.

But fuck, so was Negan. Pissed that that fucking prick had caused a goddamn rift between them. (Although he tried to dismiss the nagging feeling that it was actually Negan himself causing this fucking rift.)

"You know what it means, Darlin'," said Negan in a meaningful voice as he entered through the bathroom, flicking on the light, as he heard Blake close behind him.

He wasnt in the mood for any of this shit, wanting nothing but a shower and to sleep, maybe forgetting, for just a night anway, that this Nick guy, that Peaches seemed to be spending every fucking second of every fucking day with, ever even existed.

Pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it into the wash basket behind them door, he made to grab his towel from the rail, when suddenly Blake circled around, coming to a stop in front of him.

Pressing a hand to his bare chest she stopped him in his tracks.

"No, I don't, Negan," she said firmly, that frown still sat between her brows, but her eyes were now wide and worried looking, searching his face desperately. "Look I don't know what's up with you lately, why you've been checking in on me down in the gardens every five minutes, or why you've been acting like such a child -"

"Well maybe your new fuckin' boyfriend down there will be more fuckin' mature, Darlin'," Negan growled at her, cutting her off mid-sentence. The words spilling from his lips poisonously before he could help himself.

And for a moment Blake stopped, blinking, She closed her mouth slowly and took a step back, her hand dropping suddenly from Negan's chest.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Negan's mind was whirring was possibilities now, scenarios that he had no proof of, working their way around his head.

Did she look mad?

Guilty?

Had she been thinking about Nick? Fantasising about him? Wanting him more than she had ever wanted a rough old dog like Negan?

It was a long second now before Blake took a second step backwards, the frown on her forehead deepening.

"You mean…...wait..." she uttered with a frown, looking a little disbelieving now. "...are you talking about Nick?!"

Negan took a moment to reply, merely giving a seemingly un-caring sniff.

"Well the prick's been tailin' you around for the last two fuckin' weeks like some kinda love-sick puppy, Peaches. What the fuck else am I suposed to think?" Negan said, feeling his hackles raise at just the mention of the guy.

But Blake seemed to waver for a second, before a bemused sort of expression slowly began to dance its way across her features.

"Negan, YOU tail me around like a lovesick puppy," she said sounding slightly exasperated, but far more calm than she had a few brief moments ago.

But Negan wasn't taking that. This wasn't the same. This guy was new to the scene.

And besides Negan had seen it first hand. The flirting, the laughing…

"Sweetheart, it's obvious the goddamn guy has got a thing for you!" Negan uttered bitterly.

But at his words, this time, Blake was still for a long second or two, before, to Negan's surprise, her lips twitched once, then twice, and a sudden laugh escaped her lips before she could stop it.

She bit down on her lip to stop herself from giggling further.

But this only seemed to anger Negan more. Shit, did she really think all this was fucking funny?

But he barely had a second to dwell on this, as Blake lowered her eyes taking a step into the dark-haired man, her hand making for his shoulder.

"Errr, baby..." Blake murmured in a sympathetic sounding voice, giving his shoulder a gentle pat. "...I have a feeling YOU might be more Nick's type."

Negan blinked.

What?

"He's gay, Negan," Blake said with a slow nod, her eyes meeting with his, as though she wanted to make sure explicitly he understod what she was saying.

"He's-"

"Gay, yeah," Blake repeated, giving his shoulder a squeeze before dropping her hand and sauntering over to the bathroom mirror above the sink to peer at her reflection. "Definitely not interested in me."

Negan was silent for a long moment before he lifted a hand, running it through his hair as his dark eyes widened.

"Well...shit…" he managed to murmur out, feeling all of a sudden very, very fucking stupid.

"Yeah, shit," Blake said pursing her lips and staring back at him over her shoulder. "So next time you go getting jealous, you may want to get your facts straight first."

Negan could have kicked himself.

Fuck, he'd been such fucking idiot.

"Peaches, I'm fuckin' sorry, I-" he began, knowing it was better to start grovelling sooner rather than later.

But Blake merely turned back to him, smirking now.

"Nu-uh," she said in a vixen-like voice, strutting past him and bumping her hip payfully against his bony one as she went. "You can make it up to me later, asshole."

She shot him a suggestive look glancing up and down his body over her shoulder, before biting her lip and giving a small laughing shake of her head and disappearing back into the bedroom.

Negan gave a sigh. Shit, he really was fuckin' lucky to have a gal like her.

Still ruffling his dark hair, he wandered back into the bedroom, to see the blonde tucking a a whining Mia back into bed.

"Noh, I wan' milk," whined the toddler wriggling and twisting beneath the bed-clothes. "I thursty!"

Blake gave a sigh and got to her feet.

"Alright I'll get you some milk, baby," she said softly, turning to slip on her sneakers.

"I'll go, Darlin'," Negan offered.

But Blake merely smiled up at him. "It's fine, I'll be back in five," she said making for the door. "You can take care of that."

And with that, Blake cocked a thumb over her shoulder to where Mia was currently clambering out of bed, whinging as she did so. Obviously in a mood for terrorising her two parents tonight.

Negan gave a loud, tired groan, as a smirking Blake headed off out of the room, closing the door behind her with a gentle snap.

------------------------------------

The Sanctuary felt like an ice box as Blake walked down the drafty corridor heading toward the kitchens.

She rubbed at her arms as she went, cursing herself for not putting on an extra layer on top of her black sweater.

The walk didn't take long, down to the first floor, where she noticed it was far more drafty due to the large doors at the far end of the docking yard being left wide open.

That would only mean one thing of course, that the Simon, Gavin and a few of the others were now back from their run, safe from the storm.

And as Blake turned the corner she saw now that they were not alone, with Simon standing there addressing a small group of seven or eight people she had never seen before.

"...now you follow the rules and you'll find that we can all be very accommodating here…" she heard Simon utter, causing Blake to bristle slightly at the sound of his voice. Even know although she had forgiven as much as she could, it is hard to forget what the mustachioed man had tried to do all those weeks ago.

But shaking these thoughts from her head, she walked up to where to small group stood, nodding to Gavin, who was stood at the back of the pack, as she passed by.

Part of her felt proud, as this was obviously another group that the Saviours had picked up on the road and had taken in, under the promise that they follow the rules and do things Negan's way.

The Sanctuary was certainly big enough for more people and Blake now hoped that by next year, if her plans to expand the gardens went well, then there would be more than enough food to go around threefold.

But as always, the people in the small group, as she passed them, all looked frightened and mistable, huddled together, seeming nervous of coming here to the intimidating factory building for the first time.

But as Blake walked by, she didn't even notice one of the men from the small crowd step forward, his eyes widening suddenly as he looked at her.

"Blake?"

Blake stopped suddenly in her tracks...her blood running cold.

That voice.

No.

But it couldn't be. It just couldn't…

Blake's heart began to thud in her chest, her stomach twisting into knots and her breathing becoming shallow, as Simon faltered in his speech, the entire room falling eerily silent.

It couldn't be him.

He was a ghost.

A memory.

This wasn't possible.

Swallowing hard, it felt like an eternity before, on shaking legs, Blake managed to turn herself around, her wide eyes full of horror as her gaze settled upon a person she had never thought she'd see again. Not the ghost, but another now...oh so familiar.

Tall…

...blonde…

...with piercing blue eyes that reminded so much of someone else's…

Eyes she had stared at while cold fingers had been clenched around her throat, choking the life from her.

Blake stopped, her chest rising and falling hard now, as the man stepped forwards out of the untidy group, taking one step, then another…

And before Blake could even move, he had launched himself at her, tugging her to him in a tight hug.

"Blakey, I-I never thought I'd see you again," he breathed into her ear, that voice- so familiar, sending a cold shiver through her entire body.

The man pulled back from her and stared into her eyes, shaking his head in a look of pure, happy disbelief that she was here.

"W-Where's David? He here with you?" said the man Blake had known for a very long time.

A man she had spent night's out with. A man who she had had over to her apartment on game days. A man who she had spent time with at family occasions.

A man who looked eerily familiar to the man that had abused her, for so very long.

Brandon.

David's brother.

------------------------------------

#negan #negan twd #Jeffrey Dean Morgan #The Walking Dead #twd #the walking dead fic #negan fic #jdm #negan oc #negan and blake #negan otp #negan fanfiction

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clowngremlin · 6 years

Text

it’s only 8:20, but im in a positive mood so its time for my good things list!!!! i will be combining saturday, sunday and today’s because i havent written one since friday!! under the cut because its very long!!!

saturday:

-a very obvious good thing is my top surgery assessment!! i have already made a post about it but it went very well and i am excited for the future!!! it was also nice to see my gender therapist!!! he’s a really nice and cool dude!!!

-going to the mall after gender therapy!!! i went to a mall i dont normally go to because its in a different city than the big city and the city i live in, it’s in more of a city/suburb sort of thing, but it’s a nice mall!!! they have a great food court with a sick arcade but i didnt go to the arcade, i just walked around the mall!!

-i got some really fun keychains for my backpack and phone!! i got a waluigi one for my phone, a jack-o-lantern one for my phone, a popplio one for my back pack as well as a gengar in a pumpkin for my backpack!!! they were all really reasonably priced, because im pretty sure they’re imported from japan!!! i also wanted to buy some love live merch for hope and i, but they didnt have any of hope’d favorite girl, and the love live stuff as a bit expensive and i really wanted the other ones more but its good to know they have them there!!!

-got some delightful bootleg garfs at the mall too!! and for only $2!!!! it was so excellent!!! they also had a big garf car sticker, but i didnt have enough to buy it because i wanted to save some money for going into the city to go to my favorite vintage stores and the flea market!! also i dont have a car, but i thought it might be a fun sticker for my skateboard or sketchbook!!!

-went to my favorite vintage stores and got some nice things!! i got a cowboy shirt, and a cool cardigan that matches one of my new shirts i got for my birthday!!

-the girl working at my favorite vintage store complimented my outfit again and we had a lovely conversation!! we also talked to this dude who was buying a really cool shirt that i wish i could have bought, but im glad he got it because i have too many shirts anyways and also he was wearing a shirt i had tried on a few weeks ago, but didnt buy because i wasnt super into it so im glad it got a nice home and his outfit was so good!!! it made me feel better about being a masc presenting person who wears funky clothing!!!

-talked to one of my best pals on video chat because i was having a panic attack about work and it helped me calm down and it was so nice to talk to him :>

-in the morning before gender therapy, i got some quality puppy time and eli was very good and did excellent on his walk and made many new friends and was very snuggly!!!

-i wore an excellent outfit that consisted of a rainbow checkered button down @delusionaljellyfish gave me for my birthday, my favorite jeans, a pair of cool dinosaur socks that went really well with the button down, my favorite jacket and my favorite vans!!

-it was nice and sunny and warm!!!

sunday:

sunday was a bad all for the most part and i cried at work like twice and once on the bus going to my friends house from work but there were some positives so we will focus on that!!!

-worked with one of my friends at work!! i actually worked with many friends, but this friend is like an actual friend outside of work too so it was nice to work with her

-did a good job sampling at work even though i wanted to not be at work and felt upset the whole time, i tried to not let it show and did my best and people really liked the samples

-heard a weird cover of the jeepers creepers song at work

-after i got off work which was early because of shift was cut which isnt good and i got upset and got in trouble for being upset about it, i went to one of my best friend’s house and we watched the umbrella academy and had some tasty drinks!! we also snuggled with her cat and she listened to be vent about work

-this gets its own point, my best friend bought me a creme egg mcflurry!!!! this is a double whammy, because it one, means its creme egg mcflurry season again and that’s one of my favorite treats, and two, my best friend bought me ice cream, which is always nice!!!

-the umbrella academy gets another mention because its so fun and i love it

-had a discord call with @delusionaljellyfish !!! i always love talking to amanda and she was working on a really cool drawing while we were talking and i love seeing her art, she’s so talented and im not saying that because i’ve tagged her in the post, im saying that because i genuinely feel it and its the truth and she deserves recognition for all the hard work she puts into her art and she is one of the most talented people i know!!!!!!!!!!

-also had a video call with one of my other really good friends!!!! we talked until like 1:00 am and he listened to me vent about work as well and we also talked about other really interesting topics!!

-got gendered correctly at work and had multiple people call me sir, and one guy called me buddy in that way that older men call young men buddy, which was nice and gender affirming

monday (today):

-got to sleep in!!

-got to spend lots of quality time with baby boy eli!!!! and i got payed to do so!!!!! i would have done it for free, because i had nothing better to do today anyways, but extra money is always a bonus

-it was nice out when i took eli for his walks, and he made new friends as well!! he makes new friends where he goes and everyone is so delighted to see him!!

-got gendered correctly by the people in my building for once because i dont think my dad has told them im a guy, and often misgenders me to our neighbors, but i think these people are new and so they dont know im trans!

-worked on my comic for a bit and listened to some reel big fish and had such a nostalgic throwback to being in elementary school because i used to listen to a lot of ska dfghjhgjdfgj

-had a phone interview that im hoping went well!!

-realized that i need to stop stressing out about work and all this shit that in the grand scheme of things, isnt a big deal!!! i have been through worse things, and those things were only temporary, much like how these things are only temporary!! things will get better and be ok!!!

-talked to many friends today!!! im in a fun discord sever with some new pals and i talked to some of them about being transmasc, i also talked to one of my friends from work after she tagged me in a post about not stressing about things which was actually really solid advice and i needed to hear it, and she said some really nice things to me!!!! it made me feel really nice on the inside!!! someone im online friends with also sent me a really funny mgs video on discord!!! i also talked to @bruisedratboy today and i always love talking to josh, he’s one of my really close friends and he’s great!!! and im also not just saying that because i tagged him in this, i genuinely love josh and think he’s a great dude!!!

-had a nice conversation with my dad when he got home from work and we hung out with eli and ate dinner!! he also made bacon sandwiches is which si tasty.....

-my dad bought me my favorite pop, which is the blue mountain dew!!!

-my brother and i had a nice conversation before he left the house in the early afternoon, and i helped him pick out a jacket to go with his extremely good outfit!! he also made me coffee which was really nice of him!!

-i got that extremely wonderful anonymous ask today!!! anon, if ur reading this, i just want u to know how much that ask meant to me, like i genuinely mean that. it made me so happy, especially since i’ve had some really fucky days lately and have been feeling really upset and not very positive, but im trying and so im glad my positivity is being appreciated and that u like my posts!!! i hope ur having a good day, and u continue to have good times and such things because u must be a wonderful and kind individual to send someone such a delightful thing and u deserve good things and i appreciate u so much, whoever u are!!!! this is what the anon feature is for, babey!!! sending people delightful messages and leaving good feelings!!!!

-i got followed by someone on instagram who makes really cool pins and if i can save some extra money, i will see if i can buy one some day!!

-eli was extremely cute today!!!

#the wretched gremlin strikes again #spencer's good things list

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welllbeing · 7 years

Text

Today and yesterday made me realize that I either a) need some serious fucking help, b)need different birth control, or c) both.

because yesterday I was happy and spent the day with grandma and then at like 5pm I was suddenly crying my eyes out on the couch while she was napping. and then I was just sad so I went home and went to bed at 8. then today I was like pissed off and angry all morning and then I took my lunch and as soon as I got home I started bawling with wes on the phone because he asked me how I was and I just fucking lost it so I hung up and then mom called and that made it worse so I literally spent my whole hour long lunch break crying and then spent fifteen minutes at work crying at my desk. and then literally ten minutes later I was calm and chatting with people at work and actually getting my work done and then I went home and worked out and called my dad and was laughing and talking a mile a minute and now I’m like really happy.

so idk my mood swings have just been awful lately and idk if its the stress of being on my own and everything in my life being turned upside down thats screwing with my bipolar gened self or if its the birthcontrol fucking with my hormones because I started that around the same time.

but like

I was totally ready to dump my boyfriend and cut my mom off and even thinking about quitting my fucking job to go hurl myself from the top of my apartment building and then ten minutes later was like ‘wait why was I gonna do that again? everything is great’

I forgot that why I havent really heard from bear this week is because he was working his other job WHICH IS THE WHOLE REASON WHY HE WASNT HERE THIS WEEK so he texted me apologizing for working so much. so now I feel dumb because I totally forgot that he has three fucking jobs.

and my mom hadnt been answering my calls much because she had been doing so much to come visit me and was planning on being here tomorrow afternoon so now I feel like an ass for leaving her on read and ignoring her call

and my friend texted me 5 times to make sure I was okay because I forgot that I had put her on silent and hadn’t responded

summary: I am the worst fucking person ever.

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fmtou · 5 years

Text

Addicted

You really are my drug.

You really are the medicine.

You really are the thing I hate and I love the most.

***

Ive been feeling depressed because every single thing. Might be from the monthly hormonal cycle that effects how I react to every single thing in front of my eyes.

I think I did bad on the job interview. I think I did bad on my work. I think I made a lot of mistakes. I think I hate myself. I think I hate you because I dont wanna miss you. I am ashamed of myself. I am disappointed with myself.

You called after the job interview. Well we talked about it after I did the interview, I wasn't calling you but you happened to be beside the one who I called. You didnt seem interested in my story at all. I want to cry because of the fact that you are no longer want to talk to me, and the fact that I failed the opportunity I've been waiting for.

I called another friends. I called quite lot people because I feel sucks. I still feel empty. I was hanging out, laughing with my friends. I felt empty still.

Then you called. I was not interested talking to you either because I felt like you dont wanna talk to me. I didnt pick up because I was still with my friends, didnt know you call. You said that you wanted to ask how my interview was. I told you it was bad. I was bad.

When I got home, you called again. I really dont wanna talk to you at that time. I mean, I need a hug. You didnt say anything, you were just wanted me to tell you the story, to shared it with you. I wasnt in the mood to talk so, I didnt say much. I think I need my time alone too. So you said, "call me whenever you need to talk." "Okay" I replied.

Bullshit. Tell me how can I just call you freely? Like we used to, how? Knowing that we were not just friends...we were not lovers too, HOWEVER, HOW? Knowing that you're getting married next year, a day before my birthday. You better shut the f up.

Ok.

I actually miss you so bad but I kinda forget about you. Like, bye. I watched drama all day. I turned my phone into flight mode.

I felt uneasy. I checked my phone, turning on my wifi. Gotcha! There you go! Caught you in my WhatsApp. I replied your chat as simple as I can. I hate you. To be honest, it kinda warm me to caught you on my WhatsApp asking me how I'm doing. Sorry not sorry.

***

You came super late to work. I was just went to the toilet, heading back to my desk and there you were! "Good morning"

"Its not morning anymore. How do you come so late" I answered coldly.

"Good afternoon then" you smile so bright, being silly.

Then you asked how I am. I think you almost back hug me and kiss my right cheek, or was it my neck???

We talked. Then I feel better.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

Text

i’m not really sad or anxious. i’m more or less kind of pissed off. and i wish i had anxiety because in a way being pissed makes me sad because it means my personal patience has run out.

this person is sick and the way they treat me is abnormal to any relationship, romantic or not. it’s very harmful of them to act the way they do and then pull away. its wrong and manipulative and disrespectful. i’m tired. my whole life is built around them and when its not you can tell theyre disappointed and like ‘well fuck u then’.

i do nothing. even if i was asking for money, which i dont, it would pale in comparison to the trauma he causes and he pays to get away with it. he believes people talk shit about him, that no one is trusted - but all theyve heard is these things hes done. when he freaks out and stops talking to me for a few days, for little to no reason. when im blamed for the pitfalls of his life.

he told me it was “not nice” and “not appropriate” to i guess even respond to his message that he doesnt want to be asked to hang out or help and that hes “taking a step back”. like, in no previous relationship id i have to account for the days when my boyfriend is “taking a step back” and no longer exists in my life but teyll be back in three days having done their own thing which includes trolling dating sites and talking to other women and i’ll be asked in back handed ways if i’ve been with anyone else.

my response was that i wasnt about to argue with him and that ive been nothing but appreciative of the help hes given. around noon the source of his stress right now popped up and wante to give hm money so i tried to work that out for him but that was a huge mistake even remotely being involved. i shouldve taken and kept all the weed and stayed quiet. when our mutual friend called again to ask to get a hold of him in the afternoon, i tried to call then texted him to call this guy and he responded “youve already bothered me x amount of times since i asked you not to”

and “bothering” is literally just sendng a text message. i’m not allowed to send even a text message. and if i do, god forbid it’s more than one and longer than four sentences or else ive sent “a wall of text”. like i’m tired of living by arbitrary rules that benefit no one but him. he forces everyone close to him in his life to follow these rules or he legitimately punishes them. but he first will put in just enough time and effort for you to feel like you want to be around him before slowly subjecting you to these rles one by one and telling you everytime by ignoring them you’re disrespecting him when he does nothing but give to you.

i needed a small reminder that this behaviour is abnormal. when i told a friend, she said ‘why would anyone think that sending a message like that would get no response in return? no one would feel okay about that especially if you hold a romantic relationship with this person’

i’m tired of being seen like an inanimate object that he pumps money into to keep around / for maintenence. like i feel like one of his tools. just another tool he has to service and take care of and oh sure he loves his tools but theyre kept on the floor in the garage.i’m not even allowed to be myself with him because he’s forced all of the “myself” out of me. i’m whatever came out of his mold. i don’t tell him half of the shit i would tell someone else, i reguarly choose not to talk to him about things in my life and i dont even speak to him the same way i do other friends.

but he presents, sometimes, the things i want. like maybe even what i want most in life. like dangling a carrot in front of a horse. so because i so desperately want these things - not that i want him, anyone coud fill his shoes, but what he presents - i tend to do more to have them in my life. i put up with being treated unfairly. being belittled. being asked to wait on him hand and foot. perhaps the role has even brought me comfort since i did the same for my mother and perhaps a same sort of resentment was built there too. sure - my mother would “always be there”. an she would “always help” but like .. it had to be the very worst situation and no other option in the world but to ask her to do something. and she would use it - i bought her pants, why doesnt she clean up after me.

but i wanted a mother, you know? i still wanted a mother and a family and i still begrugingly did all the stuff she wanted me to do until i just stopped one day. i say hes alot like my father because he has endearing qualitles of an old man. but he does not share the personality of my father. my father was a strong man emotionally and mentally. he saw some shit and he did not once take it out on the people around him. maybe thats the most important thing my father ever did in his life. he didnt become violent or hold resent towards women or treat children badly. but he had “excuses” to do so. he had the traumas and lonliness and shitty dealings of life.

my mother was coddled, expected to care for her family. but our days were run by her emotional instability. everydays success was based on her mood and how she would lash out on people. by noon i may have had several arguments with her. and she didnt want a kid - but wasnt she a great mother. she hated helping me - but look at all the toys she bought.

i see this sickness in him. what is it? narcissism? borderline? bipolar? does it matter? who cares what its called when it affects all the same. i’m predisposed to being a victim - perhaps they know this and see it. this is all over a garage door. but he wont say that - its about the money, its about his time, its about my lack of job but this doesnt matter until the garage. its “no problem” until the garage. its trapping.

on a strategic level i feel like i should play the game until i can get the money to get a business liscence, which he already offered. i may be able to just help myself with that last boost and it would be a really hard independent road to take but a really respectable one i may proudly suck dick for one last time.

i am everything he wants to be, really. independent, making my own rules, putting up with the people i choose to put up with, bartering services for goods, hanging out with a variety of people doing a variety of activities and being responsible for something people want to be apart of. i dont have to answer to my parents and i have no family responsibility - i could just run.

today is the launch of something ive worked really hard on for the past few weeks. he will forget and ill receive nothing about it. its proof of the insignificance of my life to him. i am trivial. my whole being is trivial. nothing i do is that important. maybe thats my last straw. you know, maybe thats the pinnacle of disrespect for me - all i want is to be acknowledged for something i actually worked on and i’m nothing more than a bag of meat. i have no brain, no concious.

i wanted to cry when a friend took it upon herself to mention my website at a meeting recently. like someone actually saw value in something i do. he shows me photos al the time of the things he builds and i’m supposed to feign interest on a regular basis. i wont even get that.

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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I wish today wasnt over. Not even because today was this amazing day. It wasnt a bad day. I just dont want the weekend to be over. At least I have tomorrow.

I ended up sleeping in the studio last night. My back hurt in bed and I felt really uncomfortable so pretty soon after James fell asleep I went in there and watched videos for a while before I fell asleep. Beside sweetp and the sun waking me up, I actually slept really well and when James came and got me at 9 like I had asked I felt pretty good.

James was making us crepes. And they were excellent. Some of the best he's made. I appreciate the effort that he puts into them and they tasted amazing.

And I felt pretty alright today. Except for my arm. My arm has been killing me and its been on and off all week. Its not fun. James tried to rub it and that helped a little but I think I might look into like. Icy hot patches or something. Cause its like in the back of my left shoulder and it radiates down my arm to my elbow. Its shitty. But I tried to not let it ruin my day.

It was incredibly foggy this morning through the early afternoon. Like when I woke up I looked out the window and we couldnt even see the house across the street. It was wild. And it mostly stayed like that.

Me and James had talked about going on a walk in some nature. And it was decided we would go to Fort Mchenry and walk the seawall. See what the fog looked like on the water. And man. It was creepy!

I enjoyed walking around though. Seeing the water birds disappearing into the fog. It was just a nice walk and it was nice to spend time with James. Just talking and goofing around. I love him and honestly I miss him. We have complete opposite schedules right now and it sucks. But hopefully these new jobs work out. Fingers crossed.

We headed back home after we finished the loop and got back to the car. James asked me if I wanted to do anything else but I just wanted to go to Comlumbia to go to the big thrift store there but it would cut to close to when he had to go to work so instead I would do that later and we would just go home for now.

James made me a grilled cheese and I watched him play video games. But after a while I was restless and decided to head out. I kissed on James for a minute and then I was off.

I had a nice drive out to columbia and it was a nice time looking around the thrift store. I got some presents. And a few little things for my store. I also got a velvet overall dress thing? Its very fancy while also not being fancy? I love it. It has pockets.

I had to wait in line for a while but that was alright. Someone tried to cut the line because of the 6 foot gap and the cashier shut them down and then smiled at me. It was pretty funny. I also got a coupon so that was cool.

I went to the goodwill not a while away from there next. I got another skateboard! Just like I said I wanted! Only $8. I also got a desk organizer that Im pretty excited about. I already set it up and it feels very organized now. I love organizing things.

I started heading home after that but decided to stop at that Second Chance place me and Jess had gone too. I didnt get anything but I had a fun time looking around and seeing the things they get from demolitions. Very neat. But the warehouse was cold. Much colder then it was outside.

Because once the fog left, it was like 65 degrees today. Which is wild because thye are calling for 6 inches of snow on wednesday. I really hope it snows but I also really hope it doesnt affect our planned santa trip on thursday. Like it will be okay even if it has to be a different day. But still. Mixed feelings about possible snow storms.

I was kind of tired by this point of the day and I headed home. I unpacked my things and took off tags. And then it was just a productive afternoon. I did some organizing. I wrapped some gifts. I worked on some art. I cut out a bunch of fabric for bears.I hung out with sweetP. It has been a really nice night.

I took another bath. Helped my arm pain. And now I am just in bed. Waiting for James to come home. My allergies are acting up a little but I am in a good mood. I am hoping tomorrow to work on sewing and art all day. I also am going to finish the story quilt. So wish me luck not messing it up again.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of yourselves.Goodnight!

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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I find it really frustrating that I can not fall asleep at night and then I am not awake and happy until like 4 pm. Its frustrating. And like. If I had a scheduled job like James, that went from 2 til 10. I honestly think I would enjoy that. Because at least Im awake for most of that time and maybe it would knock me out after. I miss my afternoon job. I miss overnights. I hope as the world opens up again I can find something like that again.

Today wasnt all bad. But I was so tired. Its that kind of tired where I can barely see straight. Its not fun. James woke me up like I asked. And I got a shower and washed the leftover dye out of my hair. I wore my new dress and I felt very cute. I got on animal crossing for a little but after I completed the little tasks I had I just sat on the couch and watched videos. I had a donut. And we hung out for a while.

But I was. Very tired. He decided around 11 to start getting ready for a bike ride. And I told him I felt like a drain on our family and he tried to make me feel like I wasnt. Because he really doesnt feel like I am. But its hard. Capitalism has tainted my self worth. But it is nice to hear him tell me that its okay.

So while he biked I stopped fighting myself and slept. But I slept a lot longer than I expected to. I asked James to wake me up when he got back but I honestly dont know when he got back. Because he did come wake me up but I think I fell back asleep? Unclear. I wandered out around 130 and he was making pasta and offered to make me lunch. I asked for a grilled cheese. Which was good but I have a wound on the roof of my mouth again so it hurt to eat it.

But we sat together and ate our lunch until it was time for him to leave for work.

I didnt really know what to do with myself. James suggested working on stuff for me and Jess's store because he can tell I feel better when I am making that stuff. And its true. But it was hard to like. Get started. I also knew I had to go to the grocery store and get white vinegar and quarters. And I thought I would try to find a jean jacket to paint or bead.

So I psyched myself up and headed out. I decided to drive to the thrift store fire. And I didnt have amazing luck, but I did find a pretty good jean jacket. It smelled weird though so I put it in the laundry when I got home. And I got a pair of sweatpants and a sweater for James. I saw there was a Lidel across the street and I had heard it was a nice grocery store so I decided to try it out.

I would say. Mixed results. It was very pretty inside. Kind of a fancier Aldi. A really nice baked good section. I did get vinegar. And they had bundles of dried lavender so I got one of those for the car. Which I dropped all over the self check out and made the security guard laugh at me. Oops.

Since I did not get the quarters (or soda) I needed. I put in the grocery store by Hampden and headed there. I was like a half hour away. Which was a little surprising. But that was okay. I had a nice drive.

When I got there I decided I would order chipotle because it was in the same shopping center. And when I logged into my account I found I had a free entree! Excellent. So I got free chipotle for dinner. And I got my quarters and soda and was in a very good mood.

I walked across the street and grabbed my food. The manager there was really nice. And then it was time to go home.

I got back here and unpack a few things. Had my chipotle, which was very good. As I finished eating I felt a little mad because I actually felt good. Like perfectly awake and happy. And it was 530 pm. It was just. Frustrating. But I decided to go with it.

I cleaned. I tried to run the dishwasher and found the start button isnt working? So I washed everything by hand. James says he'll look into it and if we cant figure it out well ask Mr Will.

But I vacuumed and got to work on some shop stuff. I photographed all the little things. And a tote bag. And since I was doing all the frog plushes I decided. What the hell. Ill post it on my frog instagram. I havent posted on there since June but I still have 3000 followers. So what the hell.

And I am so glad I did. Because within an hour I had 300 likes on the first post and nice comments excited I was coming back and that the froggies were going to be for sale finally. And that gave me so much joy that people were excited so I got some inspiration for more froggie based things. Like making patches on the totebags. And so I worked for a couple hours making some of those. I am really excited. We already have like 30 followers on the new instagram. I am just really excited that other people are excited. It gives me something to work for.

I worked on those frogs for a while. And then went to get the mail. My new velvet body suit came. The one fits great. The other is fine but was a surprise thong. Still will be good under a sweater which is the whole point of the body suits.

I took a quick shower and now I am on the couch looking at creepy videos and thinking about making hot chocolate. I hope James comes home early. He has off tomorrow and I hope I can just feel normal like I do right now.

Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves.

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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My allergies are still bothering me today. They are not as bad as they were yesterday. I dont feel as miserable. But they take it out of me. I just woke up from an hour nap.I still had a pretty good day.

I slept alright but getting up was hard. James drove me to work and I loved my new dress, and I wore some of the earrings mom gave me on sunday. But my hair was bothering me because it was so humid. But its all good.

James dropped me off and I brought the rest of the paper for larger projects. I lugged that over to the office and basically threw it on the ground because I didnt have a good grip on it. Oops. I checked in with Alexi and she wasnt sure if they were throwing me in with a group and I was like. Half the day?? But it ended up that I wasnt with a group and I was good to just have my day.

And that was excellent. It was really hot and I was tired. But I spent the first 2 hours just cleaning. Moving furniture. Organizing supplies. Just making the space really nice. I still want to get an outdoor rug for the cement floor. But moving the furniture helped a lot.

Around 1030 I felt dizzy and a little overwhelmed. So I took a break. I was feeling bad all of a sudden and it had me upset.

So I rested. I had a podcast on, but I slept lightly for like a half hour. And that helped my mood for the rest of the day. I made some lemonade and went and sat with the group that was doing the project in the front of the art building. It was my group from tuesday! So I was happy to sit with them for a few minutes. But I also went back in to do more cleaning and prep work.

I had my lunch. And got to work on some loom making and string sorting. Charlotte and Alex came knocking and were on the search for 2 missing lunchables. They were pretending to be FBI agents and it was very silly. They were also telling everyone they were in charge now because all the office staff were dealing with something off of the camp property. The horse camp girls were out on a trail ride and one of the horses stepped on a wasp nest and a bunch of the girls and horses got stung. Which sounds terrifying. I heard an ambulance was called but I dont actually know. Very scary. I have not had a bad sting or anything this summer. Lets hope that trend continues.

I spent the afternoon working on the sewing machine Jess gave me. And man. This was a frustrating one. I couldnt figure out the tension. I couldnt find a manual online. I was just getting really frustrated. It took me almost an hour but I finally got the thing to work! The tension is on the front of the machine and I had to loop the tread around that and then back up to the places I would normally thread. Its still not perfect. I broke 4 needles and it jams all the time. But I think with patience I will be able to get a few kids on the machine next week. Well see. Im excited for the possibility.

I asked James to come get me at 430. And he did just that. But in the meantime I spent the last half hour of the day in my hammock. Some kids had been in them chilling for an hour so I just let them while I sewed my quilt from last year. I got some rows for top stitching done. And I will try to do more tomorrow. I want to have some not complete next week that I can use as an example for the kids. I would love to have them make a quilt square but that could be asking a lot. Well see. Maybe Ill make that a plan for later?

Once I was done cleaning I went and talk to Alexi and Heather about school kids and stuff around that. Its still unclear if its happening. And now the governor is saying schools can open and everything is thrown into chaos again. No one is ready to go back to school. Everyone has prepared for online learning. Why are they doing this. So its all very confusing. I hope they have some kind of programing. So that I will have some kind of a job. But I honestly dont know whats going to happen.

When I got in the car with James we talked about it. He said if I dont work as long as Im feeling fulfilled at home, making art, trying making youtube videos, taking care of myself, he's not worried. He needs a job to feel complete, but I dont. So Im mostly just worried that he would feel taken advantage of. I dont want him to feel like that at all. So fingers crossed I guess?

We stopped for burgers on the way home. Had dinner in the living room. I tried to play animal crossing but the controller wasnt working well and I just felt frustrated. I laid on the couch with James for a while but at 6 I was like. Yo I am very tired.

So I slept until 7. Then James was like wake up! And I was like 15 more minutes! And then 10 more minutes! But I got up eventually and he gave me a very small cheese cake. And we have been hanging out in bed since then. The sun is already down. Summer is ending. I am going to go take a shower and get ready for bed.

I have a busy day of many groups tomorrow. I hope it is just a fun day with lots of laughs. For everyone! Goodnight you guys!

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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I am very ready to go to bed. I actually left work a little early today because my chest was hurting. I think I am mostly just tired. But Im also still hurting today. So who knows.

I slept okay but I woke up cold a few times and I had bad dreams about my teeth getting pulled. Which is like. Pertinent. My tooth really still hurts, and its hard to focus on much else. But I made a big effort towards that.

I woke up today and James was in the other room. He was pretty low energy. He didnt sleep well. But he made me a sandwich because he loves me. And I got dressed and headed to work.

I started the day pretty frustrated. Heather was on vacation and I was unsettled by that! I go to her a lot so her not being there was a bummer. And then Chris was not sympathetic to my needs of more set up time. So I talked to Charlotte and she told me she had check in handled and I headed up to arts and crafts.

Where I spent more than an hour setting up. Like just a lot of time getting ready. But today was honestly great. I had a Counselor in Training. One of the YPL girls. Very sweet. But I was like. Why are you here. I dont need help. But she was fun to spend time with.

And the kids were really good. We did scraft prints and they were all really good listeners. Even the ones who didnt love the print making worked hard. And some of them really really got into it! I ran through the whole project and did a print to show them and then basically let them just do the thing. We had some vocab words, they used them! They did a good job keeping their prints clean! It was great.

I had a couple hours after that first group and so I took a walk. Went to see CJ. Pet the ponies. I had lunch.

But I was not 100% present. When I wasnt "On" for the kids, it was hard to like be positive for the morning. But the afternoon went better.

The project continued to go well. And then I had fun hanging out with my CIT and she was fun to talk to. She told me that she thought I was a lot younger then I am and that I had a young spirit. I joked about being the oldest person in the world. But I was in a really good mood and had fun talking to her.

She'll apparently be with me again tomorrow so thats nice. It made cleaning and resetting going easier. Even if I am out of baby wipes and that makes me feel like Im missing a step in my cleaning.

The last group of the day was the younger kids, 4 and 5 year olds. Same as Ill have tomorrow. And this was an untested project. But once they got it it went so well! They used stamp pads as the actual stamp in a stencil. And because it was just a rectangle it gave the pieces some really neat textures. And then some of the kids just wanted to draw and the one boy made these hilarious drawings that he let me keep.

I was in a good mood once we were all cleaned up. But I was low energy. And then my chest started hurting. Its like the front part of my arm and the part of my shoulder near my chest. Its like an ache. And over the next hour it got work and work. So I went and talked to Alexi, told her I wanted to go home. And she wanted me to see the nurse but honestly what is she going to do. If it still hurts in the morning Ill go talk to her. But really I just wanted to be alone in my house.

I stopped for a sandwich. And was home by 530. Which was good. And needed. I was tired and my arm aches and I felt dirty. Eating helped a little. I played a little animal crossing. I talked to my dad about possibly coming to visit. I took a long bath. And now I am just laying in bed watching videos.

I really hope I just wake up tomorrow and feel better. I know I will have to look into a dentist but not right now. I hope you all have a great day tomorrow. Take care of yourselves. Goodnight

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pbandjesse · 4 years

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I was in a pretty good mood until my job just sent what I think are ridiculous requirements for what they want us to accomplish in the next 3 days. I now feel upset and kind of sick over it honestly. I am still going to try. But I do not feel comfortable with what they are asking me and it sucks. I am really trying my best but today was the best work day at home I have had and now I feel a little like the wind was taken out of my sails.

But Im not going to focus on that. I did have a really nice day. Even got outside a little. I slept a little better last night. Still not great but better. I woke up at 9 and was tired but didnt feel to bad. I mostly just wanted a shower. But I waited until James was done and then got up closer to 10.

I didnt wear the outfit I was planning. Felt to cold. But I was good. I wore something warmer and had breakfast. Once we were done eating we went outside for about an hour to assess the brick situation. We worked on pulling the bricks out of the pile and making a little wall with them. I think we did an excellent job. I even found some worms. I did some digging with 2 stickers to try to break up some of the packed down soil. We dont have any tools at this point but it was a lot of fun to be out there. I did scrape my 2 fingers on a brick though so soon after that we went inside.

I worked one some art. Sanded the spackle I put down yesterday. Its not all the way dry still so I didnt get it finished finished. But progress was made. I also worked on making a silly little frog stamp. It was fun.

I heard Mr Will out in the alley and so I went out to the fire escape to yell hello at him. He said he is doing just fine. And I told him about the brick project. He mostly seemed confused as to why we were doing it. Bored mostly. But he was mostly concerned that apparently someone had cut a tree down? I didnt even notice and I still dont exactly know what he's talking about. Wasnt us. I dont have a saw big enough for that. He said he's going to investigate more. Curious.

Last night I made up some shortbread cookies and today we baked them up and Im proud to say they came out really good! It was a simple enough recipe but they had to dry out over night to get the right crumble and it was worth it. I am real proud of this one.

Me and James hung out for a while. Had grilled cheeses. Worked on work stuff. I did some research for the BMI. I was actually really proud of all the work we were able to do accomplish this afternoon. We did a good job. I sent my small research to the people in charge at the museum and they already told me they were excited for what I had accomplished so far. Felt good.

Around 4 I went to lay down in the studio to watch some videos. I know I fell asleep around 5. And woke up alittle after 6 when my dad called me. It was nice to hear his voice.

James made us dinner. He made me a veggie burger which was really good. My allergies are bothering me though so I feel really tired right now. I think it is time to wash my face and try to get to bed earlier. Well see how that goes.

Tomorrow I will start working on all this stuff school wants from me. I will also try to do some script writing for the museum. It will be a lot but I just gotta hope I have another good day. I hope you are all having good days too.

Goodnight everyone.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.

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