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strangeocto-blog · 5 years

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I enjoy writing...

**2 days ago**

Waking up Surique looked around for Yong noticing him gone already to start his daily duties, he got up and started to ready himself for training. While taking a bath in the river by at laid next to where he and Yong resided with the waterfall splashing over him, he began to think to himself.

"I don't deserve a love like Yong gives me, what did i do to have someone like that?"

"I shouldnt be here, maybe it would be easier for him if I just left..."

See he had a long going issue of putting up walls when people get to close and then the walls would start rising up. Creating thoughts of doubt and pushing him to run away. This would be a trial for himself and Yong. Can he overcome them this time or would he never see Yong again.

Getting out his bath and drying off he went back into the house without following his training regime. Didnt grab anything just in the wall across from their bed slammed a single word into the wall for Yong to see.

Sorry.

Immediately leaving afterwards he headed for the Earth capital to see his old friend, Beifong. Upon reaching the grand earth capital city the guard stopped him at the gate asking his business within the city, as he had a bad reputation for being at the center of trouble inside the city.

"What do you want within the city walls Surique?" Asked the guard forcefully.

Eyeing him up and down to upset him like always, he replied "I have personal business to tend to Jax, now move or ill move you because we both know that i have don't have patience."

"Are you threatening me you litt...." Was all jax could muster before he was greeted with a extremely hard hammer into his left side ribcage. Keeling over coughing blood Surique bent over and smiled.

"Next time I tell you to move just do it boy or practice your fighting to actually pose a challenge because you claim to be of the Lemurs of fire valley. Youre a disgrace." Walking past him he yelled back to him, "You would do well to remember I dont make threats, I make promises."

Jax punched the ground causing a small hole and fire wrapping around his fist, *Someday ill beat that Badger..

* He thought to himself wiped his blood and stood back at position. Onward to his old friend and mentor High Chief Counsellor Beifong.

Travelling through the streets he once ran on as a criminal when he was younger, Surique took the underground shortcut straight to the Council chambers to check if Beifong was there. Coming up from the underground he moved towards the high built doors and pushed them open. Proceeding to the middle of the wide open chambers he looked up to only see one member of the council atop the throne like seats. Sari Beifong. A well seasoned counsellor, heavily decorated general for her acts during the 4th great war and a Bear of the Earth. Looking up from what she was going over for the next counsel meeting, she smiled at Surique.

"What can i do for you, Surique?" She asked politely but not without a touch of caution in her voice.

Smiling at this he replied, "I'm here to find the whereabouts of Beifong. I need to speak with him about a personal issue and this is the last place I feel his presence being within my earth sense." Before continuing he locked eyes with her and declared, "I just want to know where and no one will be getting in my way today. Do you know of his whereabouts Sari?"

Assessing the situation and his behavior being out of the ordinary for him, she immediatley sealed the council doors preparing for a conflict just in case. Afterwards replying, "I do know where he is currently, but i have to inquire as to what it is you wish to speak with my husband about, before giving you any information."

Without hesitation Surique pulled up Valun, gripped the handle and threw it at Sari yelling, "JUST TELL ME WHERE HE IS WOMAN!!".

An immediate response was given as the earthen bracelet of extremely high density was spread around her hand like a glove she caught Valun and hurled the legendary hammer back him simply stating, "Rethink your choice young Badger, as this course of action will not end well for you."

Surique stopped for a moment and assessed the situation. He wasnt himself, he only wanted to talk with Beifong. He trusted him. He could take the reasonable route and tell her but he didnt trust her. Which made it difficult for him to choose that path. The more he thought about it, the more upset he became. Winning him over, he took his battle stance and declared, "Youre right it wont end well for me. Ill have more blood on my hands. Now, tell me where he is or i go through you too and force it out of you."

Sari got kept a calm composure but she was taken back by the ferocious look in Suriques eyes and then she smiled. Jumping down from the thrones, landing gracefully on the chamber floor she took her stance and pulled her weapons. Two flawlessly crafted bedrock warhammers. Each with her crest engraved into them. The fight had begun.

Sari made the first move swing one hammer into the ground spraying sharp shards to Surique, while simultaneously slamming the other into the ground to releasing a massive boulder up into the air and then swinging three sixty to slam her hammers into the boulder to send it flying at an extreme speed towards him. Defending himself Surique brought up a wall of high density earth that the shards stuck into and with great effort rearing back his hammer with both hands to slam it into the massive boulder. While he shattered the boulder the impact pushed the handle hard of Valun harshly into his right wrist causing his wrist to break and Surique to yell in pain.

"Over already great Badger of the High Mountain?!" Sari asked mockingly.

Surique calmed his breathing and stated, "Not in the slightest. The first one is free."

Encasing the break in his wrist with stone he pressurised it setting the break and grunting loudly. He looked at her smiling wildly, "This is gonna be fun!" He declared.

Sari took a small step back and before she could ready herself, he slammed his fist into the wall with great force causing the shards to shoot out at a tremendous speed. Sari barely got the dome of earth around her in time but still one shard made it through piercing her left shoulder. Blood splattered the front side of dome and she screamed in pain. The dome began to tremble, she looked up and then the earth above burst open revealing a wild eyed badger. Regaining herself she shifted the earth beneath her to move out of the way of the hammer being swung through the open wound of the dome barely getting out in time. Furious and genuinely worried for Surique as well as her own safety, she slammed her feet into the ground forcing a pillar to erupt and slam into Suriques chest rising upwards with the pillar till it pinned him to roof of the chamber. Placing his hands on both sides of the pillar he took a deep breath and squeezed causing the part of the pillar pinning to shatter. Landing on the ground he looked up and Sari stared back at him. He put his weapon down and charged her with fists clenched. Respectfully she dropped her weapons, ripped out the shard in her shoulder and charged back at him. Clashing in the middle of the chamber blows were traded and the earth beneath them erupted with the force of their resolves.

This went on for a little while before Surique had enough. Sari knew her energy was dimishing as she had been out of conflict for quite sometime, but she relished in the feeling of the fight. Feeling her start to slow down with her blows Surique saw the opening and shifted the earth beneath him to position himself. Ducking a left hook, he ran his fist through the ground compressing stone on his fist and came up to slam his fist directly into her abdomen causing her to keel over and cough up blood. Raising her hand as a sign of loss and surrender, he backed off.

Panting and wiping the blood away from his mouth he said, "You've lost and i accept your surrender. Now tell me where Beifong is."

Looking up at the only loss she has encountered on a battlefield, she smiled through the blood and declared, "You will not see my husband."

Roaring with anger he yelled, "SO BE IT!"

"I'm outta here, ill find him on my own." He sighed, dropping some medicine on the floor in front of her and then took his leave.

Upon his way outta the gates before he got too far, he geard a familar voice call out, "I know where Beifong is Two. Come with me let's talk."

Turning around Helix was walking towards him and he stated back at him, "Better be telling the truth or ill beat your ass too."

Walking through the deep forest lush towards the crater where Helixes base of operations resided, a conversation started.

" Now kid we go way back, i practically took care of you and I know how you get but youre going about this wrong way. Some advi...."

Cutting him off and stating very clearly, " Listen Helix, either tell me where he is or like I stated I will gladly beat you down right here and force it out of you."

A look of determination and the will of earth stone cold locked in his eyes, Helix knew that this was gonna get physical. Hoping to de-escalate the situation, he replied calmly, " Surique, you really dont want to do this, ill tell you, i just want to talk with you first. Maybe i can help kid."

"I tried." is all Surique said in return and sank Helix down to his neck in the earth beneath him, condensing the dirt to hold him in place tightly.

With a smile and a bellowing laugh Helix roared, "Wrong choice kid!" Breaking free from the earth with ease and a explosion of dirt Helix jumped backwards landing forcefully onto the forest floor. Looking up he didnt see Surique and smiled. Clenching his fists tightly he slammed the ground sending an explosive shockwave through the earth around him forcing the ground to bellow and blast upwards. A shout came from the west side of him, "Motherfucker!!" Moving his right foot quickly towards the shout and the bellowed earth rapidly wrapped tightly around Surique.

Laughing loudly, "Cmon kiddo, i taught you better than that juvienile shit. Show me some resolve."

Struggling, Surique knew that unlike Sari, Helix would hold nothing back because of their history and that made him realize that instead of using anger he needed to calm himself. Closing his eyes, Surique took a deep breath tasting the earth on his tounge and exhaled feeling a sense of life wash over him. Opening his now focused eyes he looked directly into Helixes eyes and smiled.

"Shit." Helix said under his breath as Surique pulled the earth wrapped around him tighter and then burst from sending Helix stumbling from the immense shockwave. Capitalizing on his stumble Surique slammed his his feet down as he landed and sent massives tremors forth ripping the deep rooted trees from their homes within the earth, as well as, causing the bull to land flat on his butt. Swiftly rising five pillars of stone around Helix, Surique spiraled them around the old bull removing any chance he had to retaliate. He kept a firm grip on the spiraled stone and stated to his old friend, "You lose, now tell me where he is."

Smiling at how much this once undisciplined, rowdy runt has grown and acclimated to the earth, he complied acknowledging his defeat.

"Beifong is currently seeking guidance from the earthen ancestors at his mountain."

After telling the spiral stones receded freeing Helix and Surique walked over to help him up. Shaking the dust off of him, Helix smiled at him, "No matter what has happened or will come to pass kid, im proud of how much youve grown. Ending a match with me that quickly takes alot of skill and precision."

"That's the only way i know to fight you. The longer the match, the harder it becomes. Always been one of your best qualities and thank you for the compliment." Surique said with a smile, and finished their conversation.

While leaving Surique looked back and waved at his old friend. Helix waving back thought to himself, im lucky he didnt kill me, he grown but still has a tendency to let emotion get the best of him. He'll do great, well back to business.

With that he shook his hair out one more time and took his leave back to the Crater of outlaws. Surique in the other direction running towards Beifongs mountain to find his teacher and talk with him.

It was nightfall by the time he reached the mountain and Surique thought to himself reaching the large opening his mentor had made when he raised this Mountain from the bowels of the earth, Just in case Yong has already learned where i am or headed to i need to keep him away until i figure this out. I need to feel like i deserve him and the love he gives. I need to be okay with myself and allow him in. With that he placed his hands on the Earth sending a resonating pulse to very brink of his seismic sense to let Darva know he needs the earth elementals help. Darva feeling the pulse sank into the earth and traveled to him. Rising up in front of Surique he looked down at him and leaned down to hear his request.

"Darva if anyone comes to this cave keep them out, including Yong. If beifong leaves let him go and if you get hurt in anyway from this request, come to me in the mountain. I will rebuild you." Surique told the towering gentle giant.

Grunting loudly meant he agreed to his friends request and sank back into the earth awaiting any intruders. Surique moved forward heading into the entrance and dissapearing further in. Coming into a lit up hollowed out core, adorned with statues of the elders from the earth kingdom, he saw Beifong kneeling in the center.

Sighing with relief, he smiled and called out, "Beifong!!"

Recognizing the voice of his oldest student, he stood turning around and put up a hand to greet Surique. "Hello Suri. I assume my wife told you where to find me?" He asked quizitivly.

Stopping abruptly, Surique rubbed the back of his head nervously and replied, " Not exactly Master Beifong. Sari is a very strong willed woman and protective. I fought her. She lost. Then i met Helix who wouldnt tell me where you were and him i fought... Well i subdued him, then i got the info where you were and now im here."

As he finished he looked up to see Beifong smiling but he look concerned. "You fought Sari, to get info of where I was. That woman is going to be the death of me one day." He chuckled a bit before continuing... "I trust you did not kill her as she can be very over the top with combat?" He finished asking with concern in his tone.

"She is a very formidable opponent, just out practice and i left her some medicine. No killing blows, just let her feel the presence of the earth. She will be just fine in a few days." he assured Beifong.

Kneeling back down Beifong motioned Surique forward to join him and Surique followed direction. Eyeing him to get a feel of what he was seeking, Beifong began, "What is it that you are in need of my friend?"

Surique looked down to collect his erratic thoughts, looking back up at Beifong with tears in his eyes he answered with voice trembling, " Beifong... I don't.. Feel like i deserve Yong and what he has given me. Ive always been the outcast, the badger that had to make his own path and.... What if I fuck this up?"

Moving closer Beifong wrapped him in a hug giving Surique some advice he lives by to this day, "My friend it always wiser to find out rather than to suppose. If you believe you will fail, you will. Let your walls down, give as much as you receive and trust in the man you know you are. Never give up child."

Suriques eyes open wide and the realization of Beifongs advice set him free. Wrapping his arms around Beifong tightly, letting the tears flow he thanked him. Returning the embrace with full force beifong released Surique and stood to leave but not before providing a small bit of counsel upon the young badger, " Stay here for awhile and meditate on what ive told you. When you are ready, go to Yong. As he will be worried." Finishing his sentence he squeezed Suriques shoulder and took his leave.

Standing up Surique moved to the center of the ring within the mountain. A wave of earthen energy washed over him as he entered the center ring and made him feel a soothing calmness. Before he was able to kneel he heard a loud thud back at the entrance and only one thought came into mind, Yong.

He raced to entrance using him seismic sense to read the battle ahead. Darva was being taken apart but defending like he asked. By the time he reached the closed mountain entrance he placed his hand on the wall with tears in eyes he heard screaming on the other side of the wall, trying to talk to him. He felt Yong place his hand on the wall and yell "FINE YOU WIN! YOU ALWAYS WIN..." Afterwards punching the wall with force that Surique felt and with tears in eyes he said to himself, "I havent won this one my love. Im sorry."

With that he went back to the center to see what was left of Darva waiting in the center for him. After repairing him and bring him back to his full elemental glory, he apologised. "Im sorry Darva, i shouldnt have put this burden on you."

Darva looked down at his friend and leaned down torwards him. Nudging him in the chest and grunting, Surique smiled at the acceptance of his apology. With that Darva sank back into the ground and took his leave, having done his duties. Surique knelt back in the center and began his self search to acceptance.

A month had gone by and Surique finally arrived at home. Breathing in the fresh air deeply, he sighed with relief and a new sense of self. Using his seismic sense he noticed Yong was sleeping on their bed. Thinking to himself, "this is for shocking my foot to wake me up you silly wolf." Bringing up valun Surique slammed his hammer down sending a precision shockwave to bed shooting Yong up into the air and through the roof downwards to Surique. Startled and shook a storm began to form Yong caught himself in the air, ready to fight. Seizing the opportunity of the startle, Surique kicked back into the ground and lauched himself with a pillar into yong tackling him into the ground and greeting him, "Hey there, have you seen a weak little wolf they call legendary? Has a white tail?"

Tears coming up and shook from the entrance of one love, Yong wrapped his arms around him holding him close.

"Im not going anywhere silly wolf. Youre stuck with this old badger." He replied hugging him back.

#fantasy #storytelling #short story #elemental #fiction #entertainment #word vomit

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…

I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.

Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).

Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.

Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.

I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.

Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.

Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.

I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:

Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.

William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.

Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.

David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).

Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.

Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.

Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.

Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.

Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.

William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.

King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.

Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.

Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.

David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.

Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.

Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?

Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.

Barker Amen to that, sister.

Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.

Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.

Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.

[General laughter from the panel.]

Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?

King Tell me.

Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.

Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.

Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.

Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.

Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.

King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.

Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.

King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of

Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.

King OK. Felicia?

Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.

King William?

Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.

Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.

Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.

Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.

King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign

Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.

King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?

Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?

Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.

Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.

King So you dont blame her?

Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.

King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian

King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?

Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.

Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.

Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?

Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.

Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.

King Andrea, what about you?

Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.

Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?

Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.

Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.

Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.

King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

King OK, Id like to move along to

Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?

King Of course, David.

Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.

Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?

Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.

Sparks Fuck you.

King If we have that out of the way

Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.

King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?

Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.

Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.

Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.

Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.

[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]

King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?

Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.

King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who

Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.

King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?

Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.

Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?

Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.

Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a

Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.

King Anyone else?

Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.

Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.

King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.

Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?

[General laughter at the word handsome.]

Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.

Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.

Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?

Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.

Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.

Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.

King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?

Sparks They didnt.

Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um

Russell The perception.

Wiggins Right.

King I believe you have a daughter, Helen

Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!

King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?

Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.

King Im just saying

Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.

King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.

Allen No law says he has to.

King What if hes hiding something?

Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.

[General laughter.]

Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.

Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.

Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.

Barker Cant argue with that.

Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.

King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?

Russell Not relevant.

King It doesnt speak to character?

Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.

Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um

Sparks A breath of fresh air?

Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.

King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?

Allen Correct.

King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?

[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]

King What about you, Felicia?

Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.

King Gary?

Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.

Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.

King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?

[A long silence at the table.]

Russell Whats your point?

Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?